Chapter 3: Curiouser and Curiouser

Jack pulled into his own driveway, not bothering to pull his truck into the garage as he was not going to be home for very long. He collected his mail, picked up his paper, and went inside. There was a vile smell coming from somewhere in the house.

He dropped the mail and paper inside the door and covered his nose with his hand, hurrying into the kitchen. The culprit was easily identified: an opened carton of milk from… he tried to remember… three or four… maybe five days ago. Grabbing it cautiously, he hurried it outside to his bins and tossed it in, then decided it wasn't worth going back inside until he had given his house time to air out.

He went on over to his next door neighbor's house, knocking on the door and taking a deep breath. Mrs. Tucker was one of the sweetest women he had ever known, but she was a bit mad, especially when it came to her dog. Waffles was a Pekingese that was as spoilt as they came and weighed at least twice what he should, because he was fed on some weird gourmet dog food that had a green label with a white dog with a bow in its hair on the label. His diet was supplemented by liberal amounts of people-food, and he spent hours of his day lying next to Mrs. Tucker while she read romance novels purchased in massive quantities in conjunction with sweets that she shared with Waffles at the end of every chapter.

While he waited, he looked around the street uncertainly, as if worried that spies might see him entering the mad lady's house and his manly reputation would be shredded.

"Oh, look, darling, it's Uncle Jack come to visit you!" Mrs. Tucker exclaimed to her squat furry companion as she opened the door, by way of a greeting. Grinning up at him from her formidable five foot two height, he was suddenly struck by the thought that if given enough time, an owner and their dog would start to look quite a bit alike.

He smiled at her, said, "Hello Mrs. Tucker," and then looked down at her side, where the furball was wagging its tail and panting up at him, no doubt overexerted from the act of trotting to the door as he knocked. They had almost identical smiles. "Hello, Waffles," he said politely.

"Oh, I told him you were coming today and he was ever so excited. All I have to say is 'Uncle Jack' and his little tail goes wild and his eyes light up."

Jack bent down and pet the little dog. He was a great lover of dogs, as anyone who knew him knew, but he did tend to prefer the larger, slightly rougher and tougher varieties. And this dog was the exact opposite. Nevertheless, there was something contagious about Waffles's obvious love of life. And why should he be anything other than thrilled with every moment of his life? He lived better than most of the world's population of people, without any of the worries or responsibilities.

As Jack stood up, his knee protesting loudly, Mrs. Tucker said, "And what exactly have you been up to? Nothing dangerous, I hope."

"Of course not," he said with a smile.

She glared at him suspiciously and nodded. "Well, you seem to be in one piece at least, that's always something… oh darling don't go out in the front yard, there are cars!" she suddenly exclaimed as Waffles wriggled past Jack's legs and set out to investigate the front yard.

"It's all right, he can't get away from me if he wanted to," Jack assured her.

They went into her yard to watch as the dog took his time finding a place worthy of his mark. Just as he had selected one of Mrs. Tucker's many garden gnomes (the one with the green tunic and yellow cap. Hideous little thing, Jack thought, concealing a grimace as Mrs. Tucker exclaimed, 'Oh, poor Peaseblossom!'), Carter's car turned the corner and pulled up into his driveway behind his own car. He glanced at his watch and frowned. She wasn't early, he had just lost track of time. Two rather large alien men, however, were noticeably absent from her car as she climbed out of it alone.

He waved at her with a plastered on smile. Mrs. Tucker was going to love this. And Carter… well, in all likelihood she was about to get enough dirt on him to last a lifetime. "Who's this, Jack?" Mrs. Tucker asked as Carter came over to them, smiling and looking back and forth between the woman and the dog. "Um, Carter, this is my neighbor, Mrs. Tucker. Mrs. Tucker, this is Major Carter. She works with me."

"Deep space whatever," Mrs. Tucker said with a wry smile, smiling at her.

"Yes, that's right," Carter said with a convincing smile.

Mrs. Tucker shook her hand warmly but said, "You're just as bad of a liar as he is, my dear. And much too pretty to work in something so boring. It's nice to meet you."

"Thank you. It's nice to meet you too…" She looked down at the dog who was now sniffing her shoes and said, "And you as well." She smiled wryly at Jack, and he could tell she was speaking so formally to the dog to egg Mrs. Tucker on and hopefully get a few worthwhile tidbits for it.

"Oh, yes, Major Carter… that's awfully long, dear…"

"Sam, please," Carter said with another smile.

Jack scowled at them both. "And I'm Alice," the elderly woman said with an affectionate smile that told him she had instantly taken to Carter. This was going to be bad.

"Alice?" Jack repeated. He'd lived next to the woman for almost eight years and not known her first name. Carter was here two seconds and… he sighed. It was only going to get worse, wasn't it?

"And this is Waffles. Waffles, say hi to Sam, she's a friend of Uncle Jack's." Sam knelt down to pet the dog, who had apparently decided she was a-okay by his standards. Looking up at Jack and shielding her eyes from the sun, she mouthed 'Uncle Jack?'

His shoulders just slumped and he looked thoroughly embarrassed. "So, Carter," he said pointedly. "Where are Jonas and… Murray?"

"They're on their way. Jonas was having trouble… figuring out what to wear. Murray was assisting him."

"God help us all," Jack said seriously. "Okay. Well maybe you should go wait…"

"Don't be ridiculous, Jack, we can see your friends arrive from the kitchen window. You'll both come in and have some tea and cookies."

She turned briskly back into her house and Jack shrugged and looked at Sam with a "what-are-ya-gonna-do" look on. Sam, to his horror, scooped up the dog and cuddled him all the way inside, talking to him "quietly," but clearly meaning for Jack to overhear her, as she was asking him lots of questions about "Uncle Jack."

"Okay, Carter, that's enough," he said mildly as he shut the door behind him. "You tell Jonas and Murray about this and you'll regret it."

"I won't say a word," she promised. Jack eyed her and the dog suspiciously.

"He has legs you know. He can walk."

"He obviously likes to be held," she countered easily.

"Yes, he does, don't you my darling," Mrs. Tucker said, coming back into the foyer with a smile. "The cookies are ready, Jack, your favorites. Come on." They went into the kitchen with her and sat down obediently as she started serving them (and Waffles) tea and cookies.

"You're still taking Waffles on his little trip, aren't you, dear? Only I told him you would, and he was looking forward to it all morning."

"Yes, of course," Jack said patiently.

"Oh good. Hear that, darling, Uncle Jack is still taking you for treats."

Carter almost snorted into her cup, but she restrained herself impressively.

"I've just got… other people we work with coming too. Friends. They ah… needed to go to the pet store as well so we decided we'd all go together."

"Oh, that's lovely. Lots of new friends for you today, darling," she said to Waffles, who was lapping up tea that was mostly milk from a cup on the floor and not paying her the slightest attention. "I hope none of them are bringing big dogs that will intimidate my little angel," she said to Jack, suddenly fearful.

"No," Carter assured her. "They won't be."

"Good," she said with obvious relief. "Do you have a dog, my dear?"

"Oh, no. I don't have time for a dog right now, unfortunately. I'm away from home way too much."

"Mmm," she agreed, nodding grimly and gesturing to Jack. "Like this one here. You kids all work much too hard these days. Never taking time for yourselves, you know. When you get to be my age… well, that's obviously a long way off for you, dear," she said with an affectionate smile, which Sam returned genuinely.

As strange as this little old lady and her little old dog were, there was something warm and instantly likeable about them both. She understood why the Colonel put up with her eccentricities and the dog he pretended to find irritating beyond belief. They were both very endearing, as if they were out of an old book.

"You're awfully young to be so involved in your work that you don't have time for a dog," Mrs. Tucker observed casually, continuing the conversation.

Carter didn't know what to say to that, so she didn't say anything.

"Not like this one," she said, affectionately patting Jack on the arm with a warm smile. "I'd be careful if I were you, dear. Don't let them make you get old before your time."

"I'm not that young," Carter insisted, as Jack declared, "Hey, I'm not THAT old!"

Mrs. Tucker smiled at them both and briefly gave Jack a look he knew would mean he would find himself interrogated about his relationship with Carter on every subsequent visit. Jack decided a change of topic was in order, and Mrs. Tucker's favorite topic was currently waggling his rear end next to Carter's legs, wanting her to pick him up.

As she obliged the little footstool, Jack said, "So he just needs a new case of food? The same kind?"

"Yes, and I told him if he was very good he could pick out a new toy as well today."

"Ah, right," Jack agreed, nodding with a practiced seriousness.

The familiar sound of a car in the driveway next door made both Carter and Jack glance out the window. Waffles raised his ears at the noise but did not bother to bark. "That'll be Murray and Jonas," Jack said, standing up quickly. "Guess we'd better be off."

"All right, let me say goodbye to my little darling and get his things for you," Mrs. Tucker insisted, taking the little dog from Carter and disappearing with him.

"Things," Carter leaned over and whispered. "The dog has things?"

"Shh," he said, mainly so he wouldn't have to respond.

Mrs. Tucker bustled back into the room trailed by Waffles, who was sporting a plaid coat and being led on a matching leash. Jack held out his hand automatically for the leash, while Mrs. Tucker went round the kitchen with the bag of items that always came with Waffles. To the dog treats and a bottle of water, she also added several large biscuit tins, saying, "Extras for you, Jack, and to share with your friends as well. I was going to bake you a pie, but Waffles insisted you would be wanting cookies this week."

"Thank you, Mrs. Tucker," he said as he accepted the care package, studiously refusing to look at Carter, who was practically shaking with the effort of containing her laughter.

Mrs. Tucker walked to the door with them. Smiling at Carter, she said, "Stop by again any time, dear. Waffles just loves to have visitors, and so do I. I'm sure he'd be thrilled to have an Auntie."

"Thank you," Carter said with a sweet smile as Jack fought the urge to shove her out the door. He groaned as they set off across Mrs. Tucker's yard back to his own.

'Murray' was peering into his living room windows while Jonas 'kept watch.' He spotted them both and waved, his grin visible even from the distance. Jonas was wearing the sweater Jack had recently given him (as a joke, that only Jack and Carter had got) for Christmas: it was bright red with a big reindeer on the front. Teal'c was wearing the largest Fair Isle sweater Jack had ever seen in his life and a bright orange knit hat (that clashed horribly) to go with it (and conveniently cover up his Apophis mark).

"Great," Jack muttered as they headed towards the rest of SG-1, Carter giggling now that they were out of earshot of Mrs. Tucker. Waffles, his feet moving rapidly to keep up with their longer strides, let out a noise as he hefted his weight around that sounded like something between a snort and a sigh. "You said it pal," Jack muttered. "Well, let's get this show on the road."