Until the End of Time
Chapter 13
I won't lose you again!
Again....
Again?
Sanzo clenched his teeth and grabbed a handful of his hair, bending down over his kitchen table. He knew it wasn't possible, but his brain seemed to hurt from all of the confusing images and... could they really be memories assaulting him?
During their fight, a feeling overcame him that was more powerful than any one he'd ever felt before.
Loss.
The feeling of losing him over and over, the anguish his heart went through every single time, knowing that there was nothing he could to do to stop the cycle they were locked in. And he couldn't let it happen again!
The problem was that he didn't understand where these thoughts were coming from. He had only me Goku a few months ago. These emotions that had taken hold didn't make sense. When had they met before? How had they been seperated? As far back as he could remember of his life, Sanzo had never met someone even remotely like Goku besides in his own dreams.
His dreams.
Sanzo let his hair go and leaned back in his chair, looking up at the ceiling. Before meeting Goku in person, he hadn't given much thought to the dreams. He knew that themes often continued in dreams, and had always told himself they were nothing but subconcious images that came in the night and had nothing to do with his life.
He hadn't had as many since he'd met Goku, but when he did they were far more intense than they had been before. He'd never let himself look too closely.
Himself with long hair, Goku with long hair, chains and flowers, a bond that was never understood at the time. Two others who were there, who pestered and annoyed, but were friends and so he tolerated it. The childish innocence in eyes he saw every day, golden eyes, which always seemed to calm him from the stresses of the day.
But it didn't stay like that. The images altered, and there was a vehicle. Many days spent in a vehicle, with those familiar souls around him, although they had altered in appearance slightly. A journey of some sort, in which he fought with some kind of magic that he now couldn't imagine coming from himself. And that familiar presence, always there, protecting him as he protected the other, and the other two seemed to vanish as their bond grew, so that this brunette seemed to become the focus of his life, his heart and soul.
There were others, seeming to be in different times in history. Different and the same, always haunted by the image of Goku, there to exasperate... and love him.
But these were bare ghost images. He didn't know why, but the others seemed to come to him stronger, more clear. In which he would reach forward and would feel the soft skin of the youth. He would feel the adoration that had come with much resistance in his heart, knew the moment when something had changed inside of himself and he'd had to face the fact that the boy had come to mean far more to him than he'd ever thought a person could.
But there was something dark there, and Sanzo recalled the dreams with blood and pain, and nearly cried as though they were his own. People he didn't know, dying and killing and leaving him. A danger in the one he loved that he could never truely grasp the severity of. When golden eyes would narrow, and pointed teeth would show in a sneer, and Sanzo would deny the danger to himself and would do anything to get the one he knew back.
And the golden circlet.
Sanzo paused, his eyes moving to the livingroom where Goku slept on the couch. When he was up and moving around, his hair would hide it well. However, as he slept, the locks would shift, and Sanzo could see pieces glimmering in the faint light. In the dreams, it was always there, a side fact that he'd never paid much attention to before. The only exception was in the darker dreams, not the ones that featured Sanzo alone, but in the ones with the beast, when his heart was most desperate to return Goku to normal.
He didn't know where these thoughts had come from, but he knew that whatever that golden headband was, it was important. It was something that could change everything, of that he was certain.
Getting to his feet, Sanzo made his way toward the couch. He'd seen it in Goku's eyes, even from the moment they had met. Goku hadn't questioned the words 'lose you again'. The youth knew exactly what was going on, and Sanzo wanted some answers. He couldn't stand the confusion anymore.
"Hey," he said, bending and nudging Goku's shoulder. He felt a little bad for waking the other. Goku had admitted to him as he'd laid down that he wasn't getting much sleep at Gojyo's, with all that was going on. It appeared that, even in the safety of the hideout, sleep was a rare occurance for everyone.
Goku's eyes opened tiredly, settling on his own. Then they focused, and their expression became hopeful and puzzled at the same time. Sanzo had pulled away after their kiss, too upset and confused to offer any explinations, simply dragging Goku out of the diner and into his vehicle. On the way to his apartment, Sanzo had began a conversation, but had kept it strictly on the upcoming war. He didn't give Goku any chance to ask questions, especially since he knew he couldn't give any answeres. They both wanted to know what the kiss really meant.
"I need to know some things," Sanzo said.
Goku closed his eyes, nodded slightly, and sat up. "I don't know what I can tell you," he replied quietly.
"There are expressions in your eyes when I say things. There are things that you say that show there is something more to this. The dreams that I've been having through my life, they aren't just a coincidence. I knew who you were before we met, and if those dreams aren't evidence, then your reaction earlier is."
"What reaction? Shock to being kissed?" Goku asked, his expression becoming slightly guarded.
"You weren't surprised as I was when those words came out of my mouth. Even if I didn't know what they meant, you did. And this," Sanzo paused and lifted his hand, his fingers passing Goku's hair to run along the edge of the gold headband. "I know that there is something to this beyond being a strange decoration. I don't know what it is, or why I know, but it's there. I need to know what is going on."
Goku shrugged a little, also reaching up to touch the headband. "I had thought that I would be without this eventually, that I might have enough control to be able to live my life without it. However, it's become obvious that I need such a thing to be able to live in this world. It has no real secret to it, Sanzo. It is what it is, but I don't think you're ready to know it's purpose quite yet."
Sanzo frowned, not satisfied. His thoughts on it had been correct, and he didn't much like not having the answers about it that he wanted. But it would have to do for now, and he had more important questions to ask.
"And these dreams I've been having. I've meantioned them before, and your expression became strange. The feelings that come with them are so strong that they remain unforgettable to me. There are countless different amounts of images that come to me at night, most of them of you. We've known each other before, haven't we? It's the only thing that makes sense."
Goku visibly sucked in a deep breath, then stood and moved around Sanzo, pacing around the room. "What can I tell you? I don't know if your'e ready for all of this. It might make things worse! You haven't remembered on your own, you've simply been seeing things piece by piece. You haven't discovered it, and what if I tell you and you don't believe me? Or if it only confuses you more and ruins any chance you have of remembering on your own?"
Sanzo was shocked to see tears falling down Goku's cheeks and he stood, pulling the other into a tight hug before he realized what he was doing. When it registered, he simply held the other tighter, as Goku began to sob, clinging to his shirt and burying his face in Sanzo's chest.
"What if you never remember on your own? I want to tell you so badly. I want to tell you everything, let you know what we once meant to each other. It's so hard to stay silent, to sit back and wait for things to become as they were before when I know I could urge things on a little faster. And what if you never remember things by yourself? I could still love you as much as ever, but how can we be happy with all the secrets I would be forced to hide? But if I tell you, it could ruin everything!"
This was something deeper than Sanzo had ever imagined. The words Goku was saying revealed more than he probably realized. They had known each other, and it had to be a different life, because it certainly couldn't of been this one. They had been together, caring for each other so deeply that Goku's heartache was obvious.
He couldn't ask for more tonight. There was too much on the table anyway, so much he had to process. And he didn't want Goku to suffer more emotionally than he already was. Both of them should get a good night of sleep, and talk again in the morning.
"We won't worry tonight," Sanzo said quietly, leading the other toward his room. "It is hard on both of us, and it can wait until we've both had time to calm down and think. I don't want you to think about it any more for now, just relax and get some sleep."
Goku sniffled, his crying slowing to ragged breathing and a miserable expression. His eyes looked around him and Sanzo hid a small smile as the misery turned to bafflement when he noticed he was seated on Sanzo's bed.
"Lay down," Sanzo ordered as he slipped off his socks and shirt, still a little too uncertain to remove his pants or change into pajama's, before slipping into bed.
He pulled Goku against him, spooning the other in his arms. He could feel Goku's shoulders start to tremble again and scowled at the back of the other's head. "I let you come in here so that you won't lay on the couch and cry all night. Don't be melodramatic, you are a man aren't you?"
"Of course I am," Goku growled, the sound of tears gone from his voice.
"Glad you remembered. Now, go to sleep."
For a brief moment before sleep overtook him, Sanzo inhaled Goku's scent with a feeling of euphoria. The warmth and comfort of holding the smaller form in his arms couldn't be denied. And for that short time his brain stopped spinning and the tension left his body and he was able to just feel the other so close to him... feel real content.
Chapter 13
I won't lose you again!
Again....
Again?
Sanzo clenched his teeth and grabbed a handful of his hair, bending down over his kitchen table. He knew it wasn't possible, but his brain seemed to hurt from all of the confusing images and... could they really be memories assaulting him?
During their fight, a feeling overcame him that was more powerful than any one he'd ever felt before.
Loss.
The feeling of losing him over and over, the anguish his heart went through every single time, knowing that there was nothing he could to do to stop the cycle they were locked in. And he couldn't let it happen again!
The problem was that he didn't understand where these thoughts were coming from. He had only me Goku a few months ago. These emotions that had taken hold didn't make sense. When had they met before? How had they been seperated? As far back as he could remember of his life, Sanzo had never met someone even remotely like Goku besides in his own dreams.
His dreams.
Sanzo let his hair go and leaned back in his chair, looking up at the ceiling. Before meeting Goku in person, he hadn't given much thought to the dreams. He knew that themes often continued in dreams, and had always told himself they were nothing but subconcious images that came in the night and had nothing to do with his life.
He hadn't had as many since he'd met Goku, but when he did they were far more intense than they had been before. He'd never let himself look too closely.
Himself with long hair, Goku with long hair, chains and flowers, a bond that was never understood at the time. Two others who were there, who pestered and annoyed, but were friends and so he tolerated it. The childish innocence in eyes he saw every day, golden eyes, which always seemed to calm him from the stresses of the day.
But it didn't stay like that. The images altered, and there was a vehicle. Many days spent in a vehicle, with those familiar souls around him, although they had altered in appearance slightly. A journey of some sort, in which he fought with some kind of magic that he now couldn't imagine coming from himself. And that familiar presence, always there, protecting him as he protected the other, and the other two seemed to vanish as their bond grew, so that this brunette seemed to become the focus of his life, his heart and soul.
There were others, seeming to be in different times in history. Different and the same, always haunted by the image of Goku, there to exasperate... and love him.
But these were bare ghost images. He didn't know why, but the others seemed to come to him stronger, more clear. In which he would reach forward and would feel the soft skin of the youth. He would feel the adoration that had come with much resistance in his heart, knew the moment when something had changed inside of himself and he'd had to face the fact that the boy had come to mean far more to him than he'd ever thought a person could.
But there was something dark there, and Sanzo recalled the dreams with blood and pain, and nearly cried as though they were his own. People he didn't know, dying and killing and leaving him. A danger in the one he loved that he could never truely grasp the severity of. When golden eyes would narrow, and pointed teeth would show in a sneer, and Sanzo would deny the danger to himself and would do anything to get the one he knew back.
And the golden circlet.
Sanzo paused, his eyes moving to the livingroom where Goku slept on the couch. When he was up and moving around, his hair would hide it well. However, as he slept, the locks would shift, and Sanzo could see pieces glimmering in the faint light. In the dreams, it was always there, a side fact that he'd never paid much attention to before. The only exception was in the darker dreams, not the ones that featured Sanzo alone, but in the ones with the beast, when his heart was most desperate to return Goku to normal.
He didn't know where these thoughts had come from, but he knew that whatever that golden headband was, it was important. It was something that could change everything, of that he was certain.
Getting to his feet, Sanzo made his way toward the couch. He'd seen it in Goku's eyes, even from the moment they had met. Goku hadn't questioned the words 'lose you again'. The youth knew exactly what was going on, and Sanzo wanted some answers. He couldn't stand the confusion anymore.
"Hey," he said, bending and nudging Goku's shoulder. He felt a little bad for waking the other. Goku had admitted to him as he'd laid down that he wasn't getting much sleep at Gojyo's, with all that was going on. It appeared that, even in the safety of the hideout, sleep was a rare occurance for everyone.
Goku's eyes opened tiredly, settling on his own. Then they focused, and their expression became hopeful and puzzled at the same time. Sanzo had pulled away after their kiss, too upset and confused to offer any explinations, simply dragging Goku out of the diner and into his vehicle. On the way to his apartment, Sanzo had began a conversation, but had kept it strictly on the upcoming war. He didn't give Goku any chance to ask questions, especially since he knew he couldn't give any answeres. They both wanted to know what the kiss really meant.
"I need to know some things," Sanzo said.
Goku closed his eyes, nodded slightly, and sat up. "I don't know what I can tell you," he replied quietly.
"There are expressions in your eyes when I say things. There are things that you say that show there is something more to this. The dreams that I've been having through my life, they aren't just a coincidence. I knew who you were before we met, and if those dreams aren't evidence, then your reaction earlier is."
"What reaction? Shock to being kissed?" Goku asked, his expression becoming slightly guarded.
"You weren't surprised as I was when those words came out of my mouth. Even if I didn't know what they meant, you did. And this," Sanzo paused and lifted his hand, his fingers passing Goku's hair to run along the edge of the gold headband. "I know that there is something to this beyond being a strange decoration. I don't know what it is, or why I know, but it's there. I need to know what is going on."
Goku shrugged a little, also reaching up to touch the headband. "I had thought that I would be without this eventually, that I might have enough control to be able to live my life without it. However, it's become obvious that I need such a thing to be able to live in this world. It has no real secret to it, Sanzo. It is what it is, but I don't think you're ready to know it's purpose quite yet."
Sanzo frowned, not satisfied. His thoughts on it had been correct, and he didn't much like not having the answers about it that he wanted. But it would have to do for now, and he had more important questions to ask.
"And these dreams I've been having. I've meantioned them before, and your expression became strange. The feelings that come with them are so strong that they remain unforgettable to me. There are countless different amounts of images that come to me at night, most of them of you. We've known each other before, haven't we? It's the only thing that makes sense."
Goku visibly sucked in a deep breath, then stood and moved around Sanzo, pacing around the room. "What can I tell you? I don't know if your'e ready for all of this. It might make things worse! You haven't remembered on your own, you've simply been seeing things piece by piece. You haven't discovered it, and what if I tell you and you don't believe me? Or if it only confuses you more and ruins any chance you have of remembering on your own?"
Sanzo was shocked to see tears falling down Goku's cheeks and he stood, pulling the other into a tight hug before he realized what he was doing. When it registered, he simply held the other tighter, as Goku began to sob, clinging to his shirt and burying his face in Sanzo's chest.
"What if you never remember on your own? I want to tell you so badly. I want to tell you everything, let you know what we once meant to each other. It's so hard to stay silent, to sit back and wait for things to become as they were before when I know I could urge things on a little faster. And what if you never remember things by yourself? I could still love you as much as ever, but how can we be happy with all the secrets I would be forced to hide? But if I tell you, it could ruin everything!"
This was something deeper than Sanzo had ever imagined. The words Goku was saying revealed more than he probably realized. They had known each other, and it had to be a different life, because it certainly couldn't of been this one. They had been together, caring for each other so deeply that Goku's heartache was obvious.
He couldn't ask for more tonight. There was too much on the table anyway, so much he had to process. And he didn't want Goku to suffer more emotionally than he already was. Both of them should get a good night of sleep, and talk again in the morning.
"We won't worry tonight," Sanzo said quietly, leading the other toward his room. "It is hard on both of us, and it can wait until we've both had time to calm down and think. I don't want you to think about it any more for now, just relax and get some sleep."
Goku sniffled, his crying slowing to ragged breathing and a miserable expression. His eyes looked around him and Sanzo hid a small smile as the misery turned to bafflement when he noticed he was seated on Sanzo's bed.
"Lay down," Sanzo ordered as he slipped off his socks and shirt, still a little too uncertain to remove his pants or change into pajama's, before slipping into bed.
He pulled Goku against him, spooning the other in his arms. He could feel Goku's shoulders start to tremble again and scowled at the back of the other's head. "I let you come in here so that you won't lay on the couch and cry all night. Don't be melodramatic, you are a man aren't you?"
"Of course I am," Goku growled, the sound of tears gone from his voice.
"Glad you remembered. Now, go to sleep."
For a brief moment before sleep overtook him, Sanzo inhaled Goku's scent with a feeling of euphoria. The warmth and comfort of holding the smaller form in his arms couldn't be denied. And for that short time his brain stopped spinning and the tension left his body and he was able to just feel the other so close to him... feel real content.