Until the End of Time
Chapter 14
A familiar scent waved over him, one that he hadn't woken with in a long time. It chased away the usual feelings that overcame him as he woke, the sadness and sense of incompletion. He felt happy, the pure and undiluted type where, for at least the moment, nothing else existed.
Goku turned as gently as he could, glad when he opened his eyes, to see Sanzo's sleeping face. He recalled endless mornings like these, when he would wake a few moments before the other, and he would spend them just looking at him. He wondered if it was normal in people to feel like this. Their relationship was a continual story of hundreds of years, yet he never grew tired of moments like these. He never felt anything less toward the other, as though each morning was the begining of another precious day, despite how many they had behind them.
Reaching up, Goku traced a line on Sanzo's face that was presently absent, but was almost always there when he was awake. A small scowl on his brow that caused Goku to smile with fondness. In every lifetime it was always there, one trait that was never different, even if Sanzo's hair were brown or red, his skin pale or dark. And perhaps it was twisted, but Goku couldn't help but think it was cute. Especially when it wasn't there, because it meant he'd been able to relax Sanzo to the point where he had finally stopped worrying.
This was the first time in this lifetime that Goku hadn't seen it.
Sanzo had actually let him sleep next to him. The first time, it was always important. It meant that Sanzo trusted him. It was easy to be in danger when you were sleeping, a subconcious message that had never left Sanzo in all the times Goku had known him. When their relationship was at the point where Sanzo would allow this particular event, Goku could almost be certain that what they had was back to where it had been before.
He had to tell him.
Goku gave a small sigh, running a light fingertip along Sanzo's bottom lip. Whether he remembered on his own or not didn't matter any more. Goku hadn't realized he was so transparent. He'd thought he'd matured enough not to wear his emotions on his face as much as he had before, but it was obviously not enough yet. Then there were the dreams Sanzo had described to him. Sanzo had remembered most of it, in a way, although he hadn't completely put the pieces together. If he already had so much of the story, could there really be any harm for Goku to fill in the parts that were missing?
"I've done this before."
Goku blinked and quickly pulled his finger away. Sanzo's eyes peeked open and Goku blushed at being caught, as he always did. "What?" he asked.
Sanzo reached up, and the wrinkle appeared on his brow as he took Goku's hand in his own. "I've woken up like this before, with your hands tracing my face. When you realize I'm awake, you pull away." Sanzo paused and studied Goku's face. "And you always blush. It happens often."
"Yeah, it does," Goku replied, still uncertain what to say.
"But in different life times."
Goku pressed his lips together and felt his eyes widen as he studied the other. "Yeah," he finally breathed.
Sanzo shook his head a little. "This situation just became even more complicated."
"I was thinking about what to do. In the past, you would remember things on your own not long after we met. Sometimes before I was able to find you. There were rare occassions when you never remembered and I kept it a secret. I didn't know what to do this time, with so many factors in place. However, it seemed rather pointless to say nothing, when you've already remembered so much. There are just a few things that are missing."
"I want you to tell me what they are. I feel..." Sanzo stopped, his expression turning into a scowl as he turned away and got out of bed.
Goku smiled as he sat up, leaning his chin against his knees. "I know how much you hate to talk about things inside of you. But you trusted me enough to let me sleep next to you. If you don't trust me enough to speak to me about these things, we'll never be able to get anywhere."
"It's easy for you. How can you understand what I'm feeling right now?" Sanzo asked him, his eyes hard.
"Because I've lived this moment more times than you could imagine."
There was a long moment of silence before Sanzo sat down, his head hanging slightly. "It feels like I'm missing something inside of me. All of these feelings, the dreams I now know are memories, having you sitting here beside me. It all means so much to me, deep inside. But it also doesn't feel like I'm really that person. I can't make a connection between my past and the life I live now. There is nothing tangible there that I can grasp on to."
Goku looked down at the blanket, fiddling with a lump in the quilt. He thought carefully of what to say, but couldn't decide how to respond. It wasn't something he could relate to. He'd never died, in all this time. He never had memories to lose and gain, because they were always there. The feelings he had toward Sanzo, there had never been a pause between them. It had simply been there all of his life as a perminante connection. He wanted Sanzo to say 'oh well' and just throw himself into it, but knew it wasn't possible for him. Sanzo wasn't a person who relied on blind emotions. Even in moments of anger, it was rare for him to lose control of himself.
"That's not completely true."
Goku started out of his thoughts and looked up to meet Sanzo's eyes. There was something strange in his expression. "I have you as proof, don't I?" he said quietly. "I don't know what's going to happen, or how this will change things for me, but I have you here. And I haven't forgotten what I feel."
Smiling, Goku reached over and ran his fingers through Sanzo's hair. "I'm glad for that above all else," he said.
Sanzo watched him for a moment, then coughed and got to his feet. His face returned it's usual aloof expression. "Enough. You can stay with me, but if you blab any of this to those friends of yours, I'll kick your ass, understand?"
Goku nodded quickly. "Of course," he replied.
"I need a cigarette and a cup of coffee right now," Sanzo muttered as he made his way from the room.
To be Continued....
Chapter 14
A familiar scent waved over him, one that he hadn't woken with in a long time. It chased away the usual feelings that overcame him as he woke, the sadness and sense of incompletion. He felt happy, the pure and undiluted type where, for at least the moment, nothing else existed.
Goku turned as gently as he could, glad when he opened his eyes, to see Sanzo's sleeping face. He recalled endless mornings like these, when he would wake a few moments before the other, and he would spend them just looking at him. He wondered if it was normal in people to feel like this. Their relationship was a continual story of hundreds of years, yet he never grew tired of moments like these. He never felt anything less toward the other, as though each morning was the begining of another precious day, despite how many they had behind them.
Reaching up, Goku traced a line on Sanzo's face that was presently absent, but was almost always there when he was awake. A small scowl on his brow that caused Goku to smile with fondness. In every lifetime it was always there, one trait that was never different, even if Sanzo's hair were brown or red, his skin pale or dark. And perhaps it was twisted, but Goku couldn't help but think it was cute. Especially when it wasn't there, because it meant he'd been able to relax Sanzo to the point where he had finally stopped worrying.
This was the first time in this lifetime that Goku hadn't seen it.
Sanzo had actually let him sleep next to him. The first time, it was always important. It meant that Sanzo trusted him. It was easy to be in danger when you were sleeping, a subconcious message that had never left Sanzo in all the times Goku had known him. When their relationship was at the point where Sanzo would allow this particular event, Goku could almost be certain that what they had was back to where it had been before.
He had to tell him.
Goku gave a small sigh, running a light fingertip along Sanzo's bottom lip. Whether he remembered on his own or not didn't matter any more. Goku hadn't realized he was so transparent. He'd thought he'd matured enough not to wear his emotions on his face as much as he had before, but it was obviously not enough yet. Then there were the dreams Sanzo had described to him. Sanzo had remembered most of it, in a way, although he hadn't completely put the pieces together. If he already had so much of the story, could there really be any harm for Goku to fill in the parts that were missing?
"I've done this before."
Goku blinked and quickly pulled his finger away. Sanzo's eyes peeked open and Goku blushed at being caught, as he always did. "What?" he asked.
Sanzo reached up, and the wrinkle appeared on his brow as he took Goku's hand in his own. "I've woken up like this before, with your hands tracing my face. When you realize I'm awake, you pull away." Sanzo paused and studied Goku's face. "And you always blush. It happens often."
"Yeah, it does," Goku replied, still uncertain what to say.
"But in different life times."
Goku pressed his lips together and felt his eyes widen as he studied the other. "Yeah," he finally breathed.
Sanzo shook his head a little. "This situation just became even more complicated."
"I was thinking about what to do. In the past, you would remember things on your own not long after we met. Sometimes before I was able to find you. There were rare occassions when you never remembered and I kept it a secret. I didn't know what to do this time, with so many factors in place. However, it seemed rather pointless to say nothing, when you've already remembered so much. There are just a few things that are missing."
"I want you to tell me what they are. I feel..." Sanzo stopped, his expression turning into a scowl as he turned away and got out of bed.
Goku smiled as he sat up, leaning his chin against his knees. "I know how much you hate to talk about things inside of you. But you trusted me enough to let me sleep next to you. If you don't trust me enough to speak to me about these things, we'll never be able to get anywhere."
"It's easy for you. How can you understand what I'm feeling right now?" Sanzo asked him, his eyes hard.
"Because I've lived this moment more times than you could imagine."
There was a long moment of silence before Sanzo sat down, his head hanging slightly. "It feels like I'm missing something inside of me. All of these feelings, the dreams I now know are memories, having you sitting here beside me. It all means so much to me, deep inside. But it also doesn't feel like I'm really that person. I can't make a connection between my past and the life I live now. There is nothing tangible there that I can grasp on to."
Goku looked down at the blanket, fiddling with a lump in the quilt. He thought carefully of what to say, but couldn't decide how to respond. It wasn't something he could relate to. He'd never died, in all this time. He never had memories to lose and gain, because they were always there. The feelings he had toward Sanzo, there had never been a pause between them. It had simply been there all of his life as a perminante connection. He wanted Sanzo to say 'oh well' and just throw himself into it, but knew it wasn't possible for him. Sanzo wasn't a person who relied on blind emotions. Even in moments of anger, it was rare for him to lose control of himself.
"That's not completely true."
Goku started out of his thoughts and looked up to meet Sanzo's eyes. There was something strange in his expression. "I have you as proof, don't I?" he said quietly. "I don't know what's going to happen, or how this will change things for me, but I have you here. And I haven't forgotten what I feel."
Smiling, Goku reached over and ran his fingers through Sanzo's hair. "I'm glad for that above all else," he said.
Sanzo watched him for a moment, then coughed and got to his feet. His face returned it's usual aloof expression. "Enough. You can stay with me, but if you blab any of this to those friends of yours, I'll kick your ass, understand?"
Goku nodded quickly. "Of course," he replied.
"I need a cigarette and a cup of coffee right now," Sanzo muttered as he made his way from the room.
To be Continued....