Title: Forgotten Until Remembered

Chapter 3: Light Darkness

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I noticed the nurse staring strangely at my bruises today. She wanted to ask, but when I met her eyes she bowed her head and hasn't looked again. It doesn't matter if she asked me anyway. I'd just tell her they were from the fall. Still, I'm pretty sure my eyes would have betrayed me. My eyes. They always betray me. When I smile they show sadness. When I say "yes" again and again they show the pain, the truth, the "no I just want to cram you into a grave". Tears when I'm trying to be strong.

Tears. Oh yes. I feel their icy wetness spilling down my cheeks, curving under my chin, dripping down onto my neck and hiding beneath my cloths. I feel the cold, literally and that, which I've tried to keep stored away. I'm so cold.

"Don't cry, love." He whispers, holding me close, his hot breath on the back of my head, my only warmth.

For the first time I realize I'm not in the hospital bed. I don't see the linoleum white tiles or the stiff green curtains. I can't smell the heaviness of death mixed with the bitter odor of sanitations wipes. Only that familiar smell. His comfortable smell. I don't even know what it is. Something like eating home made bread and soothing, silent darkness.

"Please don't cry, love." He whispered again, his words curling in and out of my ear. He calls me "love." Riley never called me that. Not once.

I turn back. I just want to look at him. Just one time, at least one last time. I need to just look at him. Oh those deep eyes. Those truthful, honest eyes. They don't lie to me. They don't hurt me. Those eyes. I just... if I could only.

He smiles. I know what he's thinking. I know that question is still bugging him because I can see it in his eyes. Why? Why? Because I just can't. You know I can't. I want to yell it at him. Want to make him see. Suddenly I want to beat it into him. Make him understand.

"I know. It's okay, Buffy."

Of course he knows. Of course. Why wouldn't he? He's so... so... damn. I hate it when he says my name. He really says it. Really caresses my name, allows it to roll of that hot wet tongue... that warm inviting tongue... if I could only.

The tears come full blast again, not that they ever stopped, I think. I don't know. I'm feeling so much, but not feeling anything. This is how it is. This is how it is whenever I'm in his arms. Whenever he encircles me in a tight embrace. Holding me. I just need to be held. Need. Need.

"Buffy." He whispers so quietly, almost scared.

I'm not sure at first, but then I realize I've laid my head down on his shoulder. I realize my tears are spilling down into the crook of his jacket. That black jacket. He took it from another slayer. Slayer... slayer... oh yes...

Suddenly I realize how close we are. I remember. Slayer. Vampire. Angel... I can't. I can't go through it again. I can't let this happen again. I won't.

"I should go." I hear myself say and feel the hard floor against my feet, but it doesn't felt steady. I guess this is why I stumble a little.

He's up instantly, those quick Vampire reflexes. He steadies me, his large hand on my shoulder holding me up. I lean into that hand, and instantly he encircles me again. He knows what I want. What I truly want. But no. I should...

"I should go." I say again, my voice light and untrue.

He grips me tighter and says, pleading with me, "Buffy."

"I should go." I repeat for the third and final time.

He nods and lets me go, taking with him that shield of warmth. I'm cold again. Cold as Vampire skin. Removed from the warmth of his. I want to cry again. Need to, but I don't.

I want to say thanks, but only he says "Anytime, love."

I want to smile, but only he can mask the sadness. I can't. It's taking too much out of me not to cry.

"Say hi to the pet, eh?" He tries an attempt at that lightness. That joking, simple nature we use to share before... before...

I nod and finally I smile, but the tears betray me. Doesn't matter. Not like he doesn't know anyway, but still I try to keep it from him. My eyes betray me anyway, just like his. Just stay his say and mine say yes, but I walk through the door, hugging my jacket close.

"I could walk you home." He offers, but knows I will refuse.

He nods.

"Be seeing you, love?"

I start to say yes, but only more tears come.

He nods again and closes the door. Standing there I can feel him on the other side, sliding down to the ground. He might be crying, something that he would never show me. I don't think so though, but he might.

Touching the door I say thank you and from the other side I know he's saying always. I too want to sit down, stay here, and even more so I want to go in. But I can't, at least I won't. Nope.

Clasping my thin jacket even tighter I take in a deep breath, turn and start down the street. Further and further I disappear into the darkness, closer and closer to the black, as the light, relaxing darkness sits behind me. I calm down a little thinking about that. It's always there. The light darkness is always there.

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Well that was fun to write. :-D Alright! Please review and I'm hoping to update again soon. This is really, really fun and getting lots of reviews would make it even better!!