That night was like every night since I've been back, sleepless, nightmares, crying until I fall asleep again. And nightmares again. I don't know how many nights like that I'll be able to handle alone. Waking up alone in this big bed, without someone to comfort me, without Vaughn. Hopefully one day he'll be here with me, I'll be falling asleep in his strong arms, and maybe I won't have nightmares anymore. Maybe one day we'll be like before, no, better than before.
But now the morning is here, too fast, and I didn't sleep enough again. I take a quick shower, dress up and go to work. But today everything is different. Lauren isn't here anymore, Vaughn either. He must have taken some days off, I guess he needed to rest after all this mess. Lauren's been transfered to Washington, that was the first thing Dixon told me when I arrived this morning. He was smiling, I never noticed he didn't like her. At least I won't have to face her anymore. I spent the morning doing my morning routine, checking my mail, having a cup of coffee, reading some new intel which leads nowhere.
And as I was about to leave for lunch, I see him, smiling and walking toward me. He knows I know, I can see in his eyes. I've always been able to read his eyes like in a book, and I know he can do the same thing with me. What am I going to tell him? 'I'm sorry' no, I'm not. I'm sad for you , but I haven't be happier in years. And now he's in front of me, still smiling, a huge grin accross his face like I haven't seen in years, two and half years exactly.
"Hi."
"Hi."
"How are you?" He shouldn't ask me that, he already knows how I feel.
"Fine. You?"
"I'm okay. Better." Really? I don't believe him, he can't be fine after only a night, unless he didn't really love her? No, it can't be true, he wouldn't marry someone he doesn't love. What do I say to him now? "Weiss told me you know what happened."
"Yes, he came last night when you were sleeping."
"It's been a while since I slept that well."
"Good."
"Yeah"
And then there was an awkward silence. It's never been so strange between us before, no one knowing what to say to each other. Suddendly I find a very interesting spot on the floor to look at. Fortunately, Weiss join us.
"Hey guys!
"Hi."
"Hi."
"Mike, where've you been this morning, I was worried!"
"I went for a jog, I needed to clear my mind."
"Oh, okay. Next time, let me know, I don't want you to be alone."
"Ok."
Why? He's a big guy, he can go for a run alone. Maybe they're hiding something from me, again.
"Syd, I was wondering if could you do me a favor?" Weiss asked.
"Yeah, of course. What is it?"
"Well, in two weeks there's the annual CIA Christmas party, so maybe you could help me to pick out what I'll be wearing? And you could get a dress too."
"Actually, I'm not sure I'll go...but, I'll help you."
"Thanks."
"Mike, you're coming, right?"
"I dunno, I'm not really in the mood to go to a party."
"Oh, come on, you won't spend that night alone at my place!"
"So I'll go elsewhere."
Yeah, you could come at my place, for example. I though to myself
"Mike, I'm serious, I don't want you to be alone."
"I'll think on it, but I don't promise I'll come."
"That means you'll come."
"No!"
"He'll come." Oh no, did i just say that out loud?
"See, even Syd is says so!"
"Oh really, and why should I go?
"Because I'll go if you go." What the hell am I doing? Am I flirting with Vaughn?
"What?"
"Ok guys, so we'll all go! Now when can we go shopping, Syd?"
"I'll let you know."
"Okay, thanks. I gotta go, see ya!"
"Yeah!"
"See ya!"
And now here we are, Vaughn and I like we were 5 minutes before, not knowing what to say to each other.
"Did you mean it?"
"What?"
"If I'll go you go?"
"Mmh mmh."
"Why?"
"I don't know...maybe I just don't wanna be alone for Christmas."
"What about your dad?"
"Work."
"Oh."
How can it be so hard to have this simple conversation with him?
"And you?
"My mother met someone. They're traveling a lot. Last week they were in Spain."
"That's great for your mother."
"Yeah"
His mother, another thing I shouldn't be talking about.
"So, do you know what you'll wear?
"No, not yet, I'll see with Weiss. And you?"
"I must have some tux at ho- in a box."
"Ok. Um, I gotta go, see ya."
"Bye."
Good, at least we had talked, it's better that the 'nothing' we've had since I came back.
The following days were relatively the same, Vaughn and I met in the parking garage, in the elevator, or at the coffee bar. We had small talk about the weather, work, nothing in particular. He still stays at Weiss' place, but he never came to mine, and I must say that I'm glad for that. I don't know how I should react if one day he'd come at my place. Should I let him in? Hug him? What would we talk about? I feel like a teen who's afraid of a future boyfriend.
It used to be so simple, we talked about everything, the good and the bad, we were always there for each other. But it's not that simple anymore. It's hard just walking around, so how could I manage to see him at my place? But at the same time I'm dying to see him here, like I used to. I'm dying to fall asleep in his arms watching a hockey game, waking up in his arms in our bed. I'm dying to see him cooking breakfast for me, coming with me into the shower, before arriving late at work. I miss all the little things we used to have. But I don't know if we'll be able to have them back. Like said Weiss we have to let time heal. But time run to fast...