The lunch was quite relaxing, no fight, no wonderings if will we be still here tomorrow, no angst, no betrayal, and no beeper or phone call taking us back to reality, to work. Just three friends having a normal lunch, talking about anything but work, and love.
Because this is the two things that hurt the more in our life. This is the two things that keep making us suffer, no matter how we try to flee from them, they always catch us up. This is the two things we live for, and we die for. It's weird how people can keep on trying doing things that are only harmful. Spylife is harmful. Love is harmful.
But we need they things like they are oxygen. They keep us alive, an they destroy us at the same time. But we don't stop doing them, because stopping them would lead us to death. But doing them are leading us to death. We just have to keep on working and loving until fate decide we have done enough, we have suffered enough and we can have some peace. But until then we just have to live.
This is this simple, and complicated at the same time. We use to say 'If you have never loved in your whole life then you've never lived'. So we can say 'If you have never suffered in your whole life then you've never lived'. I guess I've lived a lot then. Maybe fate will call me back someday, thinking that I've suffered enough. And it's right. I've had enough sorrow, sadness and unhappyness in my life, more than most of the people in their entire life. I deserve some peace now, some quiet and happyness. A little bit of joy in my life would be welcome.
Since I was six I don't remember one single moment I've ever felt joy, just real and pure joy. Since my mom's gone, I live in a fog, not knowing what tomorrow will be, who'll be the next one to betray me. I fumble one's way, hoping that one day I'll see the light at the end of this black, cold and wet tunnel.
I though I found this, a simple life, without no more worry than necessary. A life in which you love someone who loves you back, a life when no one's trying to keep you away from what you deserve more, a normal life. But I was wrong again. I had it just long enough to taste what it's like to be happy, and then fate took it back, again.
I feel like I have great things in my life just long enough to remember what's like to be happy, and when I start to enjoy it, it vanishes. And these rare moment of pure happyness, these rare time of bliss that I can have are loan to me only to keep me fighting for another moment like this. And as stupid as I am I do exactly what they want me to do.
They, who are they? First Sloane, someone who kept on telling me I was like a daughter for him. This man's made me believe I was working for my country, making the world better. It's all been a lie. A was working for him, a secret organization which only wanted to make money and act only in their interests, against the country. And he destroyed my life.
Then my mom, who I thought was a loving mother and a passionate teacher, and who was instead a cold-blood killer working for the KGB. Someone who tortured and executed inocent people, including Vaughn's father.
My dad, who trained me to become a spy while I was only 6. He used my grief and my naiveté, and chose a life he knew would cause me a lot of pain. But he didn't care. Like the others he was just thinking about him, and his own interests. And the Covenant. I just had my life back and they took it away from me again. They took all I've always wanted, and needed.
But now it has to stop. I can't live like this anymore. I have not only to fight for the right of living my live like I intend to, but also for keeping it. And this means that I'll have to fight for the rest of my life. But I'm tired of this, tired of fighting alone, always alone.
I need someone in my live who will help me, who will fight by my sides, who will stand with me in the worst moments as in the best, who will be my anchor in the storm. Someone I can lay on, and someone who can lay on me. Someone who will make me laugh until I can't breath anymore, someone who will smile just at my sight. Someone who will cause me butterflies in the stomach just by seeing him, someone who will send me goosebumps only by a touch. Someone real. But once again I know who he is. I only hope that one day we'll find the way to be happy together.
As we've finished our lunch, we head toward the first shop near the restaurant. I've no clue of what I'm gonna offer. Actually I don't even know to whom I'll give something this year. Weiss, of course, is the first who come to my mind. What would he like? He's not fussy, but he deserves something special. Maybe I'll see something great later. Who else? Will. Do I have the right to offer him a Christmas gift , after all he maybe doesn't want to have something from me. I know a gift won't make him feel better, and I don't want him to forgive me because of some gifts. I'll send him something, I just have to do it right. It'll come from heart, and I know he'll like it. At least I hope.
Who's next? My dad. As usually usual I'll send him a box of chocolates, or something like that. I'm sure he'll give it to his maid. I don't mind. Marshall and Carie of course. I'll find something later. Something simple for Carrie, and some gadget for Marshall. Dixon. The last gift was a week at the Niagara's falls for him and Diane. They've never been there. Because of me. Again and always because of me.
And Vaughn. I've always known what would make him happy before, but I don't know anymore. Does he at least want something from me? I've never offer him something for Christmas. We've never ever spent Christmas together. Another thing I've dreamt so many times about, something which just exists in my mind. But I hope that one day my dreams will become true. One day I'll have the life I've wanted since my childhood: a normal, happy life, with a family, and love.
We enter in the little shop. A sweet music fills the air. I love these surrondings: it's like time have take out to run, allowing people some peace in their crazy life. Christmas decorations are everywhere: Santa Claus hangs up on the walls, surrounded by snow-covered firs, piece of tinselsuspended from the ceiling. It's beautiful. It makes me feel joyous, and Vaughn doesn't miss it. He looks at me with amusement.
" What?"
" Nothing. It's just good to see you smiling like that. You look like a child discovering Christmas for the first time." I blush slightly, but I can't stop smiling. I nod.
" Yeah, Christmas always makes me feel like I'm 4. It's like all the sadness just disappears from earth, and let people just enjoy it."
" I know what you mean. I feel the same way. It's like if we're just here with friends and family, no wondering about anything else but 'Is there enough decorations on the tree?' " Suddently I slap my head.
" I forgot to buy a tree! Oh no! And now I'm sure there isn't anyone left for sale. How could I forget that?" Vaughn laughs.
" Hey! It's not funny!"
He answers through his laughter "Oh yeah it is! I've never meet someone who forget to buy a tree for Christmas!" I laugh with him. Weiss is alerted by our laughter and joins us cheerfully.
" Hey, what's going on? Are you cracked up?" Vaughn tries to explain through his laughter, stamming:
" She..forgot...buy...tree! "
" No way! You didn't? " I shake my head and try to calm down.
" I swear! I didn't have time to think about it, with work and all..." Weiss grimaces slightly.
" I should have told you last week that I was going to buy one. You'd have come with me."
" No, I'll go tomorrow and find something." Vaughn shakes his head.
" No, by tomorrow you're sure you won't find any fir. Tonight after the shopping I'll come with you and we'll find one." I open my mouth to protest but he continues.
" And no objections! " I nod in defeat, and smile at him. After all it could be fun.
"Ok, let's see if we can find some gifts elsewhere." Weiss concludes. With that we get out and walk toward the next shop.
We spend the rest of the afternoon wandering from store to store, finding some good deals and great gifts. It's been a nice afternoon, with small talks and laughter here and there. A normal afternoon. It's so good, just hanging out with friends like that almost make me forget the reality. But I like it. The three of us are exhausted, and I can think only about one thing: going home and taking a bath. But as Vaughn said if I wait to much there won't be any tree left. After all it won't take me so much time, and then I'll take a warm, relaxing bath.
It's about 6 and Weiss' 'meeting' arrives. She, actually, is the clerk of the mall where we bought our clothes this morning. She looks nice, better that in that outfit she was wearing before. She's a little smaller than me, brown-blonde, and blue-lagoon eyes. She's beautiful. Weiss introduces her.
" Sydney, Michael, this is Clara. Clara, this is Sydney, and Michael, my friends". We shake hands and exchange some talk.
" Nice to meet you." Vaughn and I say.
" You too."
" Uh, guys, you should go for the tree now, there won't be anything left if you dawdle." Weiss tries to getting rid of us, so we don't prolong this moment more than necessary.
" You're right. Maybe we'll see you later." I say to Clara.
" Yeah, I'd like that." With that I walk away with Vaughn, letting Weiss and Clara behind us. Vaughn giggles.
" What?"
" It's funny, Weiss never had the guts to ask a girl out, and now not only he's flirted with someone but he has a date the same day."
" You think he's becoming a big boy?" I say in jest.
" Nah, he'll never be one!" I laugh with him.
" Seriously, I think it's good for him going out with someone. He's been with me very (so instead of very) often these last months, and he needs some new air, meeting people."
" You regret this?" I look at him, asking him silently to explain what he's thinking about.
" Do you regret that he was here for you? Helping you going through this?"
" No, of course no. If he hadn't been here, I don't know what I would've become..."
" You wouldn't have been alone, you know. I should have been here for-" I stop him.
" Vaughn, we've already talked about this."
" I know, but you didn't let me finish." I don't say anything, letting him to continue.
" Since you're back I wanted to come to see you, hug you tight and never let you go again. But I knew you wouldn't let me. I knew you didn't trust me, I'm not even sure you do now. That's why I didn't come to you. I saw you were better without me, so I let Weiss taking care of you. Because if I've been here it would've only complicated things. It was hard enough for you to discover...the truth. I didn't want to make you suffer more than you were already.
" Tears are threatenig to fall, a lump is in my throat, but I still manage to remember how to speak.
" Vaughn...I...I don't know what to say..." As we have stopped to walk, he turns and takes my hands in his.
" Sydney, this isn't your fault. You didn't deserve all this mess. You've been through so much, and believe me if I could go back in time and step into your shoes, I would."
Now tears fall freely down my cheeks.
" I know you would. I know that, Vaughn. But you can't, and believe me you wouldn't really want to go through this."
" I would if it means avoiding you to suffer."
I can't stand looking at him anymore and I turn my back to him. My shoulders are shaking with the force of my tears. As much as I try to calm down and regain composure I can't. What Vaughn just said to me is all I wanted to know since I'm back: he still loves me. And I pushed him away instead of accepting his help and comfort, even when I needed him the most. He puts a reassuring hand on my shoulder, as if telling me he's still here for me, like he's always been. He's always been here for me, but I let my rage and my resentment blinding me. I turn slowly and immediately his arms are around me, warm and inviting.
I hug him back, feeling at home. We stay like that for a while, just hugging each other without moving. It's been so long since I've found shelter into his arms. He may feel as good as I am because he squeezes me tight. I burrow my head in the crook of his neck, breathing his scent. He's still the same, even his smell didn't changed. I close my eyes and just enjoy this little moment. Our little moment. I hope there'll be many others moments like that, moments when I'm lost in him, not thinking about anything but only the sensations that are traveling through my body.
After what seems an eternity, we break the embrace. We look quickly in each other eyes, as if reassuring each other that everything will be okay. We head toward his car silently, enjoying the Christmas atmosphere and each other's company.