Vaughn turns on the radio and relaxing music fills the air. The song finishes and another one begins. Suddenly Vaughn looks at me anxiously. It's one of the songs he kept singing to me the last days we were together. I smile, reassuring him everything's okay. He stretches out to change the channel but I stop him, posing my hand on his.

"It's OK, you can let it…" He starts to protest, knowing exactly what I'm thinking about.

" But-"

" It reminds me of good memories. " He nod and smile slightly.

" Yeah, me too." He turns his head and looks at the road. And I'm daydreaming again.

We were so happy two years ago. This song makes me even remember some things I forgot. Some simple moments we've had, ordinary things, small talks. We used to talk about our future together sometimes. We thought about buying a house together, having kids someday. We were talking about a normal life. A life which has never been ours. And which maybe will never be. We've been so stupid to think that one day we could have this, a normal, happy life together. It was a dream, and it will always stay a dream. I can't afford to dream like that again. It only leads to more pain, deception, grief. There are some things I've learned to my costs: we have to live in the present, not in the future, or in the past.. It's the only way to be as happy as we can.

"Hey! Were are you?" I'm drag out of my rêverie by a smiling Vaughn.

"Umh?"

" Where here." I look around and see dozens of tree.

" Oh, sorry I was thinking."

" Yeah, I saw that."

" So, where are we? Looks like we're in the forest." He looks at me as if I've lost my mind.

" You needed a tree. So this is the best place ever to find the perfect
one." I'm amazed. I can't believe he knows somewhere when can find dozens of trees one week before Chritsmas.

" This is..."

"Amazing?" God I swear he can read my mind.

"Yeah." I smile, staring to the best green I've ever seen: his eyes.

" Good. So let's find the greatest tree we can!" With that he opens his door, walk in front of the car and come to open my door without looking away from me. He takes my hand. "Come on, I know where to find the
best trees."

As we walk between the trees a male voice stop us.

" Hey Mike! Glad to see you finally came by to say hi!"

" Hi! Uh, yeah I was going to see you after we find a tree for Sydney."
The old man turns he head and smile at me.

" Nice to finally meet you! I've heard a lot about you!" I'm surprise this man already knows me, but I shake his hand cheerfully.

" Oh! Really? Well, nice to meet you too." We look at Vaughn, who's slightly embarrassed.

" Umh...Maybe we should just see what tree Syd wants and then we'll let you know."

" OK, but you won't go until we've had a talk!" Vaughn sighs in defeat.

" OK, we'll see you later then."

" It'll be a pleasure to talk a little with the 'Great Sydney' " the man says as he walks away. I turn to Vaughn.

" Who's he? What did he mean by ' I've heard a lot about you' ?" Vaughn looks down.

" He's my uncle, Uncle Bob. I've talk to him about you a little bit."

" Oh, OK. Does he work here?"

" No, actually he owns it. "

" So you must know how to choose trees, don't you?"

" Yeah, he taught me some things when I was a kid."

" Good, I've a tree expert with me!"

" I wouldn''t say that..."

"Aww, come on, don't be so modest! So let's go! Let's find my Christmas tree!"

With that I take his hand and bring him with me in front oh the biggest tree we can find here.

" What do you think of this one?" Vaughn looks at me as if I've lost my mind.

" Unless you want to put it in front of your house instead of in the living
room, I'm not sure it's a really good idea."

" But it's nice to have a big tree, isn't it?"

" Syd, it is ten feet taller than your ceiling " I pout like a five-years old girl.

" Come on, you know you won't win!"

"Ok, so next one!" His hand still warming mine, we walk from tree to tree, trying to find The tree. We must look like a normal couple looking for a last-minute Christmas fit . And there we are, in front of the most beautiful tree I've ever seen. It's perfect, the perfect height, not to tall, but not to small, the perfect green -well not as perfect as his eyes- the perfect smell. It is really perfect.

" So, what about this one?" I can't help to look at it and smile.

"It is..."

" Beautiful?" he tries.

" No...perfect". He chuckles.

" Okay, I think you chose your tree then."

About thirty minutes later the tree was on the car, strongly fixed with cords, so it wouldn't fall from there on the road. Of course we couldn't leave without having talk to Uncle Bob, so we've been invited into his warm, comfortable little house. it's a little wood house, spartan surrondings, with only some photographs on the wall, a couch, two armchairs, a coffee table on the living room. Both Vaughn and I are sitting on the couch in front of the fire while Uncle Bob is making some tea for the three of us. He came back from the kitchen, handed us our cup of tea, and sit in a chair near the couch.

" So, did you find the tree you were looking for?" asks Uncle Bob.

" Yeah, it is perfect, exactly the one I wanted." I reply with a smile on my face.

" Good. Did Mikey helped you or did he forgot everything I've taught him?" Uncle Bob looks toward Vaughn, waiting for him to say for the millionth time :

" Don't call me like that! I'm not ten anymore!" Bob chuckles with me. I take this occasion for asking about Vaughn's childhood.

" Was Mike a good student?" Vaughn looks down and blushes.

" I wouldn't say that...he was a good tree climber, actually the best I've ever seen, but when it come to learn the names of the trees, or how to cut then correctly, he was...well let say my dog was more interesting by what I was saying than him." I look at him, smiling knowingly.

" Yeah, when he's not interested by something he shows it well." Vaughn starts to protest.

" Hey, I wasn't so bad, I sold some of your trees!"

" Yeah to cutes little girls to whom parents would've buy anything to make them happy, even if it was the worst tree on earth. They only wanted to see your smile, that's all."

" Yeah his smile has a great power on women." I nod. Vaughn looks at me shyly first, but we both are quickly lost in each other's eyes. Vaughn looks at his Uncle and his brow furrows.

" You're okay?" Uncle Bob looks up, awake from his daydreaming.

" Yeah, yeah. Umh, why don't you help me with this, while Sydney relax on the couch?" Knowing that he wants to talk to him about serious stuff, I smile and Vaughn follows him in the kitchen.

As I start to drop off on the couch, I stand up and walk toward the kitchen, in order to ask Vaughn if we can go soon. As I approach the kitchen I hear Vaughn.

"It's complicated."
What's complicated? Everything's complicated in my life, nothing's as simple as it was to be. Even being with Vaughn is complicated. It was the simpliest thing in my life before, but not anymore. I decide to stay here a little longer - not that I want to listen what they're saying, of course not - just waiting for them to finish their conversation.

"Of course it is. But it's so obvious Mike! I know by your look that she's the One. The only being on earth who makes you feel the luckiest and happiest man of the world. The only one you want to pass the rest of his life with, the only one who made you smile when you just looks at her, the only one you want to share everything with. Your soulmate. When you told me about her it was clear that you loved her. But now that I've seen both of you together, how you behave with each other, I'm truly convince that you're meant for each other."

" Uncle Bob, you know we have a long history together, and as much as I want us to be together again, we still have to work things out before starting anthing."

" Then work out, and be happy!" Vaughn continues to protest.

" It's not that sim- "

" Mike, listen to me. There's nothing so complicated and so simple at the same time, I know that. But she loves you, and you love her, so stop acting like a stupid teenager and make decisions! If you don't try you'll never know if it can work!" Vaughn doesn't know what to say, so I choose this moment to interrupt them.

" Sydney!" Uncle Bob says for telling Vaughn I'm here.

" Something's wrong?"

" No, nothing. It's just I'm kinda exhausted, so maybe- "

" Oh, yeah, sorry I lost track of time." Vaughn turn toward Uncle Bob.

" We'd better go."

" Thanks for the tea." I thank Uncle Bob.

" You're welcome. I'd be glad to see you again Sydney." I smile to him.

" Yeah, me too." We walk through the living room and Vaughn opens the door. Uncle Bob tells him in a hushed tone "Think about what I said." Vaughn nods, and we walk toward the car.

After a few minutes I finally broke the silence.

" Your Uncle's really nice."

" Yeah, he is. He said the same thing about you." I nod and ask:

" What was he talking about, when we left?"

"Oh, nothing...just...some stuff about life, you know..." I nod. Oh, yeah I know, better than you think.

He drives silently for some minutes, and then turns to look at me while we're waiting at the lights.

" What?" I ask as he doesn't stop to stare at me.

" Nothing...just..."

" What? Tell me what's in your mind." He looks down.

" Uhm...well...I was thinking that maybe we could...uhm...you don't
have to decide right now, but I...we could..."

" Vaughn, you're rambling! Go ahead!" He blushes. I like when he blushes because of me. At least I still have a little power on him.

" Well, I was wondering if...if..."

"Yeah?"

" If...you'd go to dinner someday...with me?" I laugh, which makes Vaughn more uncomfortable.

" That's all?"

" Uhm...yeah." I smile to him.

" I' d like that." He looks at me unsure.

" You sure? You don't have to decide -"

" Vaughn, you've heard my answer."

" Okay. So, uhm, just...let me know when it's okay for you."
As we approach the block Vaughn ask me:

" It's pretty late now, so maybe I could help you with the tree tomorrow?"

" You don't have to, I can do this by myself. Besides , I though you were working tomorrow." He shakes his head.

" Actually I've some days off."

" Oh, OK then. Just come when you want, I don't sleep much these days." He stops the car in the little parking in front of the block.

" Ok. So, I'll see you tomorrow then."

" Yeah. Good night." I say as I open the door.

" Good night." He smiles and watches me walk toward my door, until I
enter and close the door behind me.

I'm so tired, and don't even have the force to take a bath. So I walk through the living room without turning on the lights, go straight to my bedroom and fall on the bed. I close my eyes some minutes just thinking about the nice day today was.

Things were so simple, I could just be me, not thinking about how to act, what to say. I felt free for the first time since I'm back. I'm just...happy. That's all, but when you haven't feel like that since years you almost forgot how it is. And you appreciate it even more.

After about thirty minutes I decide to change into PJ's, so I get up, walk to my drawer and pick up a shirt and pants. I change quickly, letting my clothes on the floor, and cuddle under the covers. I drop off quickly.

But this peace is short, and I wake up a few hours later sweating and crying. The hapiness's been quickly replaced by terror, fear, ghosts from my past which will haunt me forever. People I killed when I worked for SD-6 and believed that they was the good guys, flash of memories of the past two years I can't remember, only on these horrible nightmares.

I turn to look at my watch: 3am. Well, at least I've slept almost four hours, that's not too bad. I got up and take a book, walk to the living room and sit on the couch. Books have always had a power on me. They help me to relax, calm down, to empty my mind. Books are refuge for me, I love getting lost in stories of people who're happy at the end.

Maybe I'll be happy too someday, like at the end of these novels. Maybe I'll find a way to love someone who will love me back, to live a cute and inviting house, two children - or three, we'll see - and a normal, boring job. I just want to have what every people have: a normal life.