It's about 9 when I hear a knock at the door. I open it and first all I see is a big box. Then I see Vaughn's head point out from one side of the box.

" Hey. Care if I come in?" I let him in.

" No, no, sorry." He puts the box down on the coffee table.

" What is it?" I ask him while I try to open the box and find out what's in. He puts his hand on mine to stop me.

" Don't, it's a surprise." I smile to him and look down at hour hands, his on mine. We stay like that a little longer than, necessary, but he eventually put his hands on his pockets, blushing slightly.

" Umh, do you want something to drink, or a breakfast?"

" No thanks, I've already ate. But...did you have one?"

" Yeah, it's OK, I woke up pretty early." He looks at me anxiously.

" Weiss told me you didn't sleep well since..." he trails off.

" Yeah, I've had some bad nights, but it's okay now." I better lie to him and don't see this pity in his eyes, than to tell him the truth. The way he looks at me I can tell he doesn't believe me, but I don't care. Hopefully he changes the subject.

" So, where do you wanna put your tree?"

" Uhm...I'm not sure. Maybe there, or there. What do you think?"

" I don't know...Yeah maybe there, so you can sit on your couch and admire it."

" Yeah, OK, good idea."

" OK. Let's install it."

" Yeah." I follow him to his car, where the tree is still well fixed.

"OK, umh, I take the feet and you the head. I'll follow you. I do as he says, and soon we're in my apartment, trying desperately to make the tree stand.

" I should have brought something to hold it."

" No, we'll make it." He looks around, searching something that could work. "Do you have some big pyres?"

" Uhm, yeah, I'll go get them. You can hold the tree alone?"

" Yeah, yeah, it's OK." I walk outside and bring back the biggest pyres I can find.

" Will this work?"

" Yeah, it's perfect. Here, help me." I hold the tree while he fit up the pieces of wood around the feet of the tree.

" OK, let's see if it works." I let go the tree but the fitting doesn't work and the tree falls. We try to catch it but it's too heavy, and we both fall on the floor. He falls on the top of me, both of us laughing. He stops suddenly and stares in my eyes. I stop laughing too and get lost in his. I can see in his eyes regret -regret of all the time we lost together maybe- but also something new, something I haven't seen for three years and half: love. Or at least I hope this is love. He starts bending on me, his face inches of mine. I can feel his breath on my lips. He looks down at my mouth, then back to my eyes, as if asking the permission of kissing me. I could almost feel his soft lips on mine, giving me a sweet and warm kiss, full of love, a promise that tomorrow will get better.

" We should try again and make it work..." The hope and joy I see in his eyes tells me he wants to make it -us- work as much as I do. He bends closer and closer, and...

" the tree." I add. And now I've ruined this perfect moment. How stupid I am! He was going to kiss me, and all I do is talking about this stupid tree on the floor of my living room!

Deception all over his face, he reluctantly gets up and offers me his hands to help me up.

" I think I know what didn't work." he stands up the tree and bends down to try something else, while I hold it again. I watch him placing every pyres, very carefully, his forehead wrinkling with concentration. He's so cute when he does something like that, the tongue in one side of his mouth, his hands expertly moving the wood. I wish one day these hands will be on my skin, instead of where they're now.

" OK, this time it should work." I let it go carefully and the tree stands up perfectly.

" Now turn and close your eyes."

" What? Why?"

" You'll see."

"But- "

" You trust me or not?" I nod, turn and close my eyes. I hear him brewing something during some minutes, and then he walks behind me and put his hands on my eyes.

" OK, now turn." I execute, his hands still on me.

" Now, you can open your eyes." He puts in hands in his pockets as I open my eyes. The box is open, and empty. I look up, and all I see is a fully decorated tree, with pieces of tinsel, balls, all the Christmas decorations you'd want on your tree.

" I though that given you hadn't bough a tree you'd not have decorations to put on it, so..." I look at him in amazement.

" Vaughn, you didn't have to- "

" I know; but I wanted to offer this to you. These are specials to me, and I hope they'll bring you happiness like they did to me."

I remember he told me once about these decorations. His father brought him one year to buy new decorations, some weeks before Christmas. He was seven. He told him to always keep them safe with him, that they were special decorations that would bring happiness in the house they were. It was the last Christmas he spend with his father, and since that time he has always kept them preciously.

" Vaughn, no, I...it's too much, I can't accept."

" Please, I really want you to have them. Beside, I don't need them anymore, I've found my own source of happiness." I look in his eyes and all I can see is honestly. Tears are threatening to fall -again- I smile to him and open my mouth to speak, but his phone rings. He smiles apologetically.

" Sorry." I nod and he walks to the other side of the living room, but I still can hear him.

" Hello...Hey! How're you doing?...Fine, thanks...Yeah, me too, I'm sorry...Uhm uhm...Yeah...Of course, no, go ahead...A date? Yeah, no problem, I don't have anything planned...What time?...OK...I'll be there...Yeah, me too...OK...Bye!"

A date? He has a date? With someone else? No, it can't be possible.. Why did he ask me to go to dinner with him so? Maybe that's true, maybe we're just friends for him. But what happened earlier, it was more than what friends have. Or am I desperately hoping for something that will never happen? Again...I should have learned from the past: never hoping something happy will happen to you. How could have I been so stupid? Thinking that maybe one day we will be together again? Of course we're just friends, what else? But what he said to his uncle yesterday, it wasn't my imagination, was it?

" You're OK?" I look up at him, he has hung up his phone and stays in front of me, smiling. Is the idea of having a date with someone -not me- that make him so happy? I couldn't bear to see him with another woman, not again. I better like not to see him at all.

" Yeah, I'm fine. I just remembered I've something important to do at work."

" Oh, I thought you told you hadn't work to do these days."

" No, but...Kendall's secretary called me this morning." I know he doesn't believe me, he knows me too well and knows I just gave him an excuse to make him leave.

" I'm sorry, I don't want to push you out, it's just..."

" You have work to do, I understand, it's OK." An awkward silence fills the room, and we both look at our feet, not knowing what to say.

" So, I...I'd better go and let you get ready."

" Yeah."

" OK, I'll see you at...I'll see you."

" Yeah, thank you for the tree. Tell Weiss I say hi."

" I will."

" Thanks."

" OK, bye."

" Bye."

With that he leaves me alone, in my too-big-home-for-me-alone.

Suddenly it's like I was dead inside, but in worse, getting cold from the heart to all over my body. I don't feel anything but that I'm empty, lost, mentally and sentimentally dead. I put my head on my hands, falls on the couch and cry.

I don't know how many times I spend here crying, but I know I've no tear left. I fall asleep exhausted, on a salted and wet pillow. As if life isn't sad enough for me, I cannot find refuge into sleep. When I close my eyes the sadness of today is replaced by the horrors of yesterday.

I woke up more tired that I was before I dripped off, crying and sweating again. I drag myself to the bathroom and slip into a warm bath. At least I have peace for some hours when I'm in there. Baths always relax me, make me forget for some time the world out there. After tiring missions Vaughn used to run me a bath, bringing me a glass of wine, and then washed me and massage my sore body. But I have to stop thinking about these happy times. It's all gone now, I'm all alone, and I feel like I'll always be. All I want is Vaughn, but he isn't mine anymore, he has someone else in his life. I have to accept this and more on, but I can't. Vaughn is all I ever wanted, and all I'll always need. I don't want someone else in my life, no one can replace him. Either I'll be with him, either I'll stay alone, until death. But I won't find someone else, I can't.

I've never felt like this after Danny. I loved him, of course, but I've never thought I'll stay alone after him. At the beginning yes, of course, but, then I met Vaughn, and I learned how to trust again, how to believe again, and how to love again. He's all to me, and I know no one will be able to give me what he did. Love, happiness, trust. We completed each other so well, I know I'll never find someone like him. And I don't want to.

I woke up some hours later in a cold bath, all the bubbles gone. That's how I spend my days when I'm not working, sleeping here and there, some hours of piece before waking up because of daily nightmares. I stand up and put on a robe, walk toward by bedroom and get dressed again. It's almost 1pm, I should eat lunch. But I'm not hungry. I used to wolf down in the past, but I'm off my food. Why eating when you're not living? I force myself to swallow down some leftovers, cold chicken, tomatoes and an apple. I kill the rest of the time cleaning a little and reading, on my couch, in front of my tree. And of course it reminds me who helped me to install it. Every time I look up at it I want to cry. I think every time I'll see a Christmas tree I'll want to try, remembering the great time -maybe the last- Vaughn and I had. I should have guessed that no matter how hard I try it's hopeless to have him back in my life. I drop off on the couch without having a dinner. Like usually I woke up abruptly, screaming and sweating and crying. But I must have been louder than the other nights because there's a knock at the door. I don't want to see anyone right now, so I don't answer. After all it's 1:30am, most of the people are sleeping at this time. But Weiss knows me, and keeps knocking.

" I know you're awake, Syd. Come on, open the door. Anyway I've the key, so I can go take it and come in, you know." He's right, he has a key in case of…… I walk toward the door, open it and go sit on the couch without looking at him.

" What do you want, you should be sleeping." I know it's harsh, but I don't care. I want him to go as quickly as possible, and instead he sit down next to me on the couch.

" We heard you screaming so loud, we though something was going on..." We? So he's not the only one who heard me. He looks at me anxiously.

" You still have these nightmares, don't you?

" Just sometimes, I'm fine Weiss. Really."

" Syd- "

" Look, you should go back to bed."

" You wanna talk about it?"

" About what?" The look he gives me tells me not to play with him.

" I told you I'm fine!"

" Syd, you know you can't lie to me."

" I just wanna be alone right now."

" You know it's not the solution."

" Maybe, but for now it works."

" OK, I'll come by in the morning. And it's not negotiable!" I sigh.

" Fine...night."

" Night."

With that he goes back to his place, and I walk to the kitchen to make some tea and eat something, since I haven't had dinner.

I spend the next days working, trying to occupy my mind. Most of the agents took some vacations, wanting to spend the end of the year with their families. There's not much work to do, so we take our time reading files, looking for new intel. Most of the analysts took some days off too, and as field agents have no work to do, we replace the analysts. It's a very boring job, but it helps me emptying my mind. I wouldn't like to do it all the time, but for now it's welcome. I try to stay at work as late as I can, avoiding Vaughn, going back to home in the middle of the night, and leaving home early. But Kendall told to us to stay at home, only a few agents are still working, and he wouldn't let me stay. So now I'm at home, reading, gardening, jogging, having nightmares, crying to sleep. Daily basis. All I have to do is wait for Christmas to end.

One day as I was running in the park I see Vaughn, jogging with his dog, and coming toward me. I try to hide behind a tree but he sees me, and approaches. I act nonchalantly, at least I try, but I'm nervous and I can tell he's too. But why should he be nervous? Is he uncomfortable with me now that he's with someone else?

" Hey!"

"Hi!"

" I haven't seen you a lot those days."

" You know, work..." He nods and looks at his feet, at his dog, at some
joggers, but not at me. Eventually he looks up.

" So, uhm...you...the party's soon." Oh no, I've totaly forgot about that!

" Yeah."

" And...who...does someone come with you?" He doesn't want me to be alone, given he'll not be.

" No, not yet. Maybe I'll go with Weiss...I'm not sure to come anyway."

" Oh, why?"

" I'm not in the mood to have a wild time."

" You...I heard you screaming the other night."

" Sorry I woke you."

" No, don't be...You...You're okay? I mean..." I don't want his pity, I don't want him to care about me, while he spend his days and nights with another woman. I don't want to be his friend. I don't want to see him again.

" I'm fine."

" Does it happen often? Nightmares?"

" No, just sometimes, one or two days a month."

" You wanna tal-"

" I'm fine Vaughn, I can take care of myself."

" I know, I'm sorry y-"

" Stop being sorry for me Vaughn! You're always sorry for me! You're sorry I've a sad childhood, you're sorry I lost everyone I love, you're sorry I lost the last two year of my life, you're sorry my mom is who she is, you're sorry my father is not here for me every time I need him, you're sorry I have nightmares! What will you be sorry for next? That you're seing someone else? That you've moved on and that I can't? Well great, be sorry Vaughn, but I don't want to be here when you are! "

" What are you talking about?"

" Don't lie to me Vaughn! At least be honest with me for one time in your life!" He tries to deny it, and I hate when he does that. It makes me insane, more insane that I already am.

" Syd I don't understand, explai-"

" You know exactly what I'm talking about! Don't play the innocent with me!"

" No, I-"

" You're not even capable of being honest with me about it! How to you want me to trust you again? You said I can always relay on you, but it was another lie! And you know what? I'm tired of all these lies! I'm tired of being the perfect woman who can overcome everything, the one who's always here for everyone, and for whom no one is here!"

" I's not true, you know I'm her-"

" Stop this, Vaughn! I don't want to hear anything else! And I don't want to hear anything about you anymore! Stay away from me, and don't you dare send Weiss to argue your case!"

With that I run away, not looking back until two or maybe three miles. I only stop when I can't breathe anymore, tears pouring out, a lump in the throat. And suddenly I feel giddy, my head his spinning like hell. I'm so nauseous, I bend forward, and throw up, again and again and again. My stomach is empty, I haven't eaten since yesterday morning, but my body doesn't care, and it hurts like hell. When it finally stops I'm sink to the ground, not able to move.