I got to Faith within twenty minutes of her call. I couldn't explain the feeling of panic that had engulfed my entire body. As long as I lived, I would always remember this night and know that it was the beginning of a downward spiral. I prayed that the baby was fine, because I knew that this was just too much for her to take. All I could think about was helping her. I didn't know a lot about pregnancy, but I knew that losing blood wasn't good.

I drove as fast as I could, the lights in the RMP swirling and flashing, warning everyone to stay out of my way. As I made my way down the dark, glassy streets, I knew already that I was too late.

I should have called in sick to work or taken a vacation day and stayed home with her. I knew in my gut that I should have taken the time to press her on what was really going on, and instead, I had walked out the door and gone to work anyway. It was stress that had caused her to feel this way. She had too much going on and I hadn't helped enough.

As I drove toward our apartment, my self-loathing continued, making me feel like the worst human being in the world. Why couldn't I just make everything work out for once? We had lost Emily and Charlie and now, this. Were we destined to be unhappy? To not lead productive, happy lives?

I saw the red brick of our building and pulled up along the sidewalk. The lights of the RMP casting a red and blue glow. It seemed to be warning me, 'hurry, hurry'.

I grabbed the keys and threw the car door open and bounded up the steps. I jabbed the elevator button impatiently, willing it to open immediately. Tired of waiting, I took the stairs, two at a time, not daring to breathe until I had Faith in my arms.

She was lying on the kitchen floor, all doubled over and writhing in pain. Blood had soaked through her pajama bottoms, making it look like she was swimming in a sea of it.

The only thing she kept saying for the rest of that night was 'the baby. The baby's gone.' It killed me to hear it. I knew it was true and I had expected it, but it didn't lessen the pain I felt from losing the closest thing I had to a child of my own.

As I sat next to her bed, holding her hand, I couldn't help but wonder if we'd have this chance again. What if she never wanted to have kids now? Could I go through life without a namesake? These were questions that I knew were premature and not worth worrying about, but I couldn't help myself.

Too many things were happening. Too many things being thrown at us and while we tried to recover from the first blow, the second and third were being hurled faster than we could cope with.

When did life get so hard? I guess it had all started with the loss of Em and Charlie and then the rest just went downhill from there. Faith would never be the same without her children, I knew that. But, I really thought that this baby was going to be the mark of a new beginning. Now, I would be lucky if I ever got her out of the depression that she had fallen into already.

I still wanted to ask her to marry me as soon as she recovered and came home from the hospital. This time, I was going to take a few weeks off of work to be with her. She had used almost all of her time off, but still had a couple of weeks left and I intended to be with her. I felt guilty, even though I knew in my heart that I had nothing to do with it. I was always my own worst enemy.

I excused myself and went to a pay phone down the hall. Not that it had mattered to Faith. She hadn't looked my way since I had found her. She was locked in her own mind, not wanting to deal with reality right now. It seemed that I was going to be on my own to deal with the loss of our child. I was used to it by now. I hadn't survived the last couple of months without having being used to counting on myself.

Lieu was understanding, as always, and granted me two weeks of vacation time that I had coming. I was always amazed at how he was so gruff, but could come to the aid of his officers with such understanding and sympathy. I had been riding with Gussler lately and he'd been driving me nuts anyway, so I didn't mind ditching him. Faith had to be back at work in two weeks and I hoped that I could get her better by then.

For the next two weeks, Faith and I spent every minute together. I have to say that it went better than I expected. Although she didn't say much, she wanted me to hold her and comfort her. We spent a lot of time napping, as people tend to do when they are depressed, and a lot of time just sitting around in bed, reading or watching tv. I was thankful, in a way, that she didn't want to talk about it, because I had no idea how to cheer her up or how to make this pain go away. I wanted to be strong for her, but just once, I wanted her to ask me how I felt. To let me cry on her shoulder. For her to tell me that she still loved me.

I knew she loved me, but I was feeling a little insecure, I guess and I wanted to hear it. But, it never came.

"Faith?"

"Hmm?"

"Why havn't you asked me how I feel about what happened?" I asked, quietly, hoping that I wouldn't set her off.

She looked up at me from the magazine she was reading, a confused look on her face. Her blue eyes widening.

"How you feel?"

"Ya. You never asked me how I felt about losing the...about this."

She sighed and put the magazine down on her lap and motioned for me to lay my head on her lap, which I did so gladly, greedy for affection.

She entwined her hands into my hair, and dragged her nails across my scalp. I closed my eyes, relaxing as she stroked me.

"I'm sorry, Bos. I feel like there's nothing I can say to you that will ever make up for....what I've done. But, I am sorry. So sorry. You'll never know" She murmured.

I opened my eyes, not comfortable with her telling me that she was responsible for the miscarriage. I shook my head. "No. It's not your fault. Don't apologize for what you couldn't control. I just wondered why you didn't want to know how I felt. I....feel so bad....I can't help you and it seems that you don't care how I feel.." I babbled, not able to control all of the emotions that wanted to come out of me.

"Shhh....shhh." She soothed. "Baby, I'm sorry. I was selfish. I have a hard time thinking about anything else these days...how do you feel? Tell me."

I rolled off of her lap and laid down beside her, entwining my hand with hers, not wanting to let go.

"I feel....I just feel....so...sick inside. I wanted this baby. I want to have a baby with you.....why can't we be happy?"

"We will be again, Bos. We both need time to get our minds wrapped around all of this. I know I've been distracted by everything, but we can try again for another baby, when the time is right."

When the time was right. When had the time ever been right for us?