A.N.: Ugh. I'm taking a class in African history, and for the past three weeks, we've been watching these really awful movies. They're not in English, don't make sense, and involve a whole lot of wrinkly, naked old men who jump up and down way too often. Shudders I've been completely traumatized by that, because, seriously...naked. Somebody pass out the fig leaves! I'm going to have nightmares for months.
And before you ask, you hentai minded people, I really do have to watch. The movies all have subtitles, and I need that for papers and things. Otherwise...no way would I ever.
Relevant Story Info: I've been asked to provide a few decent websites with information on Ace/Adonis, but I can't remember what pages I used myself, and my computer isn't letting me look anything up right now. Any suggestions?
This chapter is dedicated to my beta, Magician. Thank you for the help!
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CHAPTER FOUR: Confusion
He was lost, confused, surrounded by a darkness so complete that it was almost suffocating. He was drowning in shadows, the nothingness around him horribly tangible and almost alive. It seeped into his eyes and ears and mouth, leaving him blind and deaf and voiceless. It cut off all external sensations, made him a prisoner in his own body, and for just a moment, his mind flailed in panic. His blood surged within his veins, mixing with an adrenaline entirely wasted on a man who had so completely lost control of himself. His heart quickened drastically, thudding against his ribcage with enough force to cause pain.
It was the pain that brought him back to himself, because even if he was still deaf and dumb, even if he was still trapped in this unnatural darkness and trapped within himself, at least he knew he was still alive. He'd been wondering if maybe he'd died and this was some twisted version of hell, but could his heart still pound like this, if he was? He didn't think so, though of course he really knew nothing of death or anything that came with it. Maybe this really was hell, the darkness punishment for sins he couldn't remember committing, the pain only a reminder of what he'd lost by dying.
And maybe this was only a dream, though he'd never had a dream that felt quite like this. Wherever he was, whatever had him in its thrall, something about this place had sharpened his awareness of himself. His thoughts seemed clearer, his emotions amplified, and that was odd in itself, at least for a man who'd spent the last three months doing whatever he could to distance himself from his feelings, from his pain. It was as though a barrier had fallen within him, and he could no longer block out his own feelings, could no longer block out the pale face of the girl who'd caused his emotional turmoil in the first place.
He gave what would have been a sigh in any other situation and in any other man, trying not to think about Mina even though she was all he ever thought about anymore, only belatedly noticing that that darkness wasn't as intense now that he was no longer focusing so completely on it. Nor were his senses as deadened as he'd initially thought. He knew, now, that if he hadn't been able to see or hear before, it was only because there simply wasn't anything to see or hear. He was standing in a void as deep and dark and lonely as the place Mina had left in his heart, and even if he didn't know why he was here, he no longer needed to fear that he was in hell or that he had simply gone insane.
Of course, that still didn't explain how he'd come to this void, or even what this place was. If this was a dream, it certainly wasn't a normal one. Now that his body was his own again, he could feel how heavy the air was, could feel the smooth, hard surface beneath his feet. He looked down, his eyes slowly becoming accustomed enough to the darkness that he could now make what he thought might be an obsidian floor. He could just barely see his reflection staring back at him from inside the black glass, and he wondered, absently, why he looked like such a stranger, even to himself. He'd gotten paler, these last months without Mina, and he knew he'd lost a little weight. He still looked as fit as ever in spite of that, but there were circles under his eyes and a new cynicism in his gaze. He looked...hardened, perhaps even less human. What would Mina think, if she could see the changes in him?
He stopped that thought before it could affect him. Even now, even here, he didn't want to dwell on Mina or the loss of her. It was just too painful, thinking of the slender and very much absent love of his life. His fears for her had already come close to consuming him, and he didn't need to torment himself like that. He had enough problems, at the moment, and, in any case, his attention was already elsewhere. A glint of...something...had caught his eye as he turned his head to one side, and as it was the first hint that there was anything here besides himself and the darkness, he wasn't about to ignore it just so he could wallow in his own pain. He spun on one heel, practically jogging towards whatever it was. His long legs carried him swiftly over the black glass, bringing him closer to what he eventually realized was a wide, sourceless pillar of cool white light, one powerful enough to leave an afterimage every time he blinked. Another moment brought him still nearer, and his silver eyes narrowed as other details became apparent. Something was inside that pillar of light, he slowly realized, and though he wasn't close enough for it to be much more than a shadow, he could tell that it was human-shaped. Someone was waiting for him inside that pillar...
Malachite never had to question, even for a moment, the identity of his companion. He'd have been a poor sort of lover if he hadn't been able to recognize her, even here, and his steps didn't falter in the slightest as he continued his approach. Perhaps a part of him had known all along that she would come, because as strange as this place was, it honestly made sense that she would have something to do with it. After all, she was strange, too, and every oddity in his life seemed to involve her in some way or another. Why should his dreams be any different?
She was waiting patiently for him, her arms crossed over her chest, her golden hair swirling around her lithe figure. She was dressed in what appeared to be a pair of plain flannel pajamas, and while that should have made her more approachable, it didn't. He'd been half-expecting her to wear the tight jeans and shirts she'd always worn around him before, and the pajamas looked out of place on her. Everything did, in this moment, though he truly couldn't have explained why that was so. He also couldn't read her expression or see her features in any real detail, but something about the way she held herself was already making him uneasy. Her posture was a little too stiff, tense in an angry, defensive kind of way. He never thought to question that, though he wondered at the change in her.
She already wasn't what he'd expected, and as he finally came close enough to really see her face, his uneasiness only deepened. Her face had changed, even more than his had. She was even paler than she'd been before, and while she was still indescribably beautiful, there was now something untouchable about her. The bubbly warmth that had first driven him nuts and then drawn him like a moth to the flame was completely gone, leaving a flawless and distant woman in its place. He didn't know what to make of that, didn't know what could have been terrible enough to take the life from her expression. He only knew that she was not the same vibrant girl he'd fallen in love with. Whatever had happened to her in the time they'd been apart, she looked...different, older. Sadder.
And her eyes had changed color.
He blinked at her, for a moment too shocked by this particular change to notice the way she was staring at him, her now-tawny eyes both hungry and furious at the same time. When had her eyes changed, and how? He'd never seen such a shade in a human being, and while he might have chalked this up to the dream, the Mina that usually haunted his sleep hadn't looked like this. Even without the color change, she hadn't been so serious, or so tense. The Mina of his dreams had always been smiling, laughing. She'd always looked up at him with love in her gaze, but that was an emotion entirely lacking in this Mina's eyes. He winced, wondering if somehow he was responsible for this. "Mina?"
Her name had been a prayer on his lips, but if she heard the love and the desperation in his voice, she gave no indication of it. She only shook her head, uncrossing her arms and bringing them back down to her sides, her slender fingers clenching into fists. Her eyes were glittering with too many emotions, but he couldn't read any of them. "Hello, Malachite."
He'd taken a step towards her, wanting so badly to take her in his arms, not caring that she was only a figment of his imagination, but the chill in her voice stopped him. She sounded so angry, and the Mina he'd known had never been angry. "Gods, Mina," he breathed, pale eyes scanning her face for an explanation, for an echo of the love he'd once believed she held for him. "It's been so long..."
She stared at him, a quick, harsh bark of bitter laughter erupting from between her lips. "Yes," she snapped, "and if I'd had my way, it would have been longer. How did you get here?"
He hadn't been expecting the bitterness, and for a moment he didn't answer. Then, shrugging slightly, he took another step in her direction. "I don't know," he answered frankly, gazing intently at her. "Does it matter?" He shook his head, more confused by her reception of him than he'd been even when he'd first found himself trapped in this dark abyss. "I've found you now, Mina, even if you're only a dream. I don't care about anything else."
His heart was in his eyes, but she must have questioned his sincerity anyway, because she only continued to glare at him. "You don't belong here, Malachite," she said, her lyrical voice suddenly soft enough that he could barely hear her. "I want you to leave."
As quiet as her words had been, there was still so much fury in her voice that he struggled to keep from flinching. He couldn't remember a time when Mina had spoken to him this way, not even during those first tumultuous weeks of their acquaintance, when she'd driven him up a wall with her craziness and he'd been less than pleasant in response. Still, part of him knew that he should have expected this. He'd never understood why Mina had left, but of course he wasn't blind to the possibility that it might have had something to do with him. He must have hurt her in some way, because even if her reasons for leaving had nothing to do with him, she hadn't exactly been kind in her farewells. She'd literally abandoned him while he slept, leaving nothing but a scribbled and rather heartless note telling him that she didn't want him around, asking him not to look for her. She'd disappeared, and he hadn't heard from her in all the months since. If she'd cared about him at all, he'd reasoned, she would have contacted him at some point, at least let him know she was all right. His devotion to her aside, there was only one way to take the fact that she hadn't.
He scowled, but no matter how much love he had for Mina, no matter how convinced he was that she was only part of a dream, he was still unwilling to let his hurt show. His features hardened, a mask of stone dropping over his expression. He stared back at her, the silver of his eyes now chips of ice, his voice just as cold. "I can't." He shrugged, dismissing his own statement, wishing he could dismiss her. "And even if I could, you're not getting rid of me so easily, love, not until you've explained a few things."
Her eyes were hard, so blank and frozen that her gaze was almost painful. "What do you want from me? I'm only a dream, remember? There's nothing I can give you, Malachite."
He shook his head. "I think there is," he said, the words out before he could really think about what he was saying, spurred by that other within himself. "Whatever this is, it's not a regular dream, and whatever you are, I think you know it." He gazed at her, his own eyes just as harsh as hers. "I want the truth, Mina. I want to know where you've been, why you left."
She laughed again, and while the laughter wasn't nearly as bitter as it had been before, there was an edge of frustrated hysteria in it. "You don't understand anything at all, do you? I left for a reason, Malachite, and I told you to stay away for a reason. Hasn't it occurred to you that I don't want you around?" Her eyes narrowed. "I don't need you. I never did, and I'm certainly not going to tell you anything that might bring you back into my life. You're too much of a burden." She sighed, not giving him a chance to respond but not looking away. Her eyes were glued to his, though there wasn't so much of a trace of sympathy or hesitation in them. For all he could tell, she didn't even remotely care that she was being cruel.
He'd paled, but his face hadn't changed beyond that. "I see." He didn't, of course. He and Mina hadn't always had the perfect relationship, and there'd been plenty of times when he'd practically hated her. Still, no matter how much of a jerk he'd been, she'd never reacted badly. She'd always been pleasant, smiling, accepting. If she could accept all that he'd done to her before, how could she be angry now, when she knew he loved her and would do everything in his power to make her happy?
Mina had been watching his face, and perhaps she'd seen something she didn't like in his eyes, because she suddenly snorted. "This is stupid," she snapped, breaking up the staring contest, her lyrical accent thicker than he'd remembered it being in real life. "I don't know what she was playing at, letting you in here. She should have known better, but I suppose it doesn't really matter. This conversation is over." She turned, began walking away. "I don't have time for you," she told him, coldly and almost casually tossing the words over her shoulder, disappearing back into the darkness and out of his life.
He couldn't bring himself to call after her.
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A short distance away, hidden within the shadows, two slender, ageless women watched as the tall man with the silver eyes stared at the place where the girl had been only a second before. He wasn't moving, his features so hard and empty that he might have been a statue. Then, moving so quickly and suddenly that he surprised even his two watchers, he turned and was swallowed up by the nothingness.
The taller of the two women immediately turned to her companion, inky bangs falling into mulberry eyes. "Was this really your plan? You're going to make them hate each other, if this keeps up."
The other woman shrugged, not at all affected by the irritation in her friend's voice, sounding a little too tired herself. "No," Mina's future self disagreed quietly, her voice intense enough to make the other woman glance uncertainly at her. "They're still very much in love, those two. They always will be, whatever happens." She sighed, full lips twisting in an unhappy frown. "He just can't find her yet," she explained softly. "She's not ready for him, and even if she was, he's still too much of a distraction. She needs this time alone, Raye, even if she has to drive him away to get it."
Raye was still staring at her, magenta eyes appraising, but she only nodded. If Mina believed this was necessary for her past self, then it probably was. She would hardly make herself suffer if she didn't absolutely have to, would she? Not even Mina was that crazy. Then again, it was Mina... "Exactly how long do you plan to keep this up, Meens? She's going to figure everything out sooner or later. You know that." She paused, then softly added, "You should at least tell her the truth about Minako."
Once again, the blonde shrugged. "Not a chance," she retorted. She glanced at her friend, a smirk now gracing her perfect features. "How would you feel, Raye, if you learned that the voices in your head were real?"
As hard as Raye was still glaring, there was really nothing she could say to that.
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Malachite came awake with a start, eyes flying open, chest heaving with sharp, painful gasps. His hair was damp with sweat, the sheets of his bed twisted around his legs. He ran his hands over his eyes, swore softly and repeatedly, and although he wasn't quite aware of it, Mina's name was among the curses...
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Mina's eyes slowly opened, stinging with tears she would never bring herself to shed, smooth features twisting with anger and bitterness and a thousand other emotions besides. It really had been cruel of Minako to make her do that, Mina reflected wearily, though she still couldn't disagree with her older self's reasoning. All of it—the calculated fury she'd forced into her eyes even though she hadn't felt even the smallest spark of anger towards Malachite in months, her refusal to ease even one of his concerns for her, the casual dismissal of his love—had been horribly necessary. She'd needed Malachite to leave her alone, needed for him to stop his search for her, and hopefully her acting skills had been sufficient to convince him that she wasn't worth it, even if he really did think it had all been a dream.
She sighed, wishing he'd move on and forget about her. She'd hadn't been lying when she'd told him that he was too much of a burden, though of course she hadn't meant it quite the way it had sounded. She'd only meant that she couldn't handle knowing he was out there, still loving her and hurting because of it. She couldn't handle knowing that she was still causing him pain even when she wasn't around, or knowing that if she had been at his side she'd have been too busy worrying about his safety to focus on saving the world. She had enough guilt in her life, and she just didn't need any more. Of course, if he ever did move on and find love with someone else, that would become a burden, too. She was already so alone—would she even be able to handle a broken heart on top of everything else? She didn't think so, because as hard as it had been to walk away from Malachite even when she'd thought she hated him, it would be a thousand times worse knowing that he had walked away from her, especially when she really did believe he loved her as much as any being could love another.
Mina sat up in her bed, curling her arms around her knees as she brought them to her chest, knowing she wouldn't be sleeping any more that night. She buried her head in her arms, golden hair pooling around her, body far too still in spite of the anguish she would never allow herself to express. "By the gods, Malachite," she whispered, "for both our sakes, just leave me alone."
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Reader Responses:
Sapphiregirl: Wow. That's, um, a really long review. I'm so incredibly flattered that you'd take that much time!
Prolific, am I? Yeah, well, I bet you're not thinking that now. It's been a couple of weeks since I updated anything...
I'd forgotten about the cow, but I agree, at least about his being insane. This particular brother makes me look normal, and trust me when I say that I'm anything but. And I guess my mother just doesn't care anymore. My brothers are always doing crazy things, and she's just gotten to the point where she doesn't react. And as it turns out, the snakes will get to be about 26 feet long. My mom's trying to convince him to sell them. We'll see what happens, though.
And the zoo wouldn't take him. He's too weird.
Maybe you're right. I do seem to be focusing on dreams a little too much right now. Can't help it, though. And I'm glad you liked my past-lives theories. I guess I always figured that if people are as shaped by their environments as everybody claims, and if Mina's life and Minako's were so different, they couldn't possibly be exactly the same people. Still, they are basically the same people, so Mina just needs to find some kind of balance between who she was as Minako and who she is as Mina. When she does, she'll finally be Venus.
I'm glad you like my sense of humor, twisted as it is. Somebody needs to!
Well, that's Mina—overanalyzing everything. She's so afraid of screwing up again that she is, as you put it, thinking too much. And, no, it's definitely not like her to be logical. It might be kind of funny, though, to see her try.
Are you very mad at me for not letting Mal realize the truth just yet? He will soon, I promise, but it'd be too inconvenient right now.
No, I never intended for her to hate him. She never even thought it would last, so of course it didn't. And I like your spin on the brainwashing thing. I might have to steal it, actually. (Just kidding. I wouldn't do that to you.)
I'm glad somebody got it! I was getting all these emails asking about the whole love vs. duty thing, but nobody really understood what I was going for, except you. See? I knew you were clever.
Well, nothing happened in the dream world, but it will. This wasn't a one-time thing, so there'll be plenty of opportunities for Mal/Mina bonding/fighting/whatever later.
And don't ever apologize for making the review long! This so completely made my day. I love hearing from you!
Sapphiregirl: Oops, didn't see this one until after I'd already responded to the first. Don't apologize, though! As I've told you so many times, I'm not any better.
Adonis, Ace...they're one and the same, and yes, that's him. I wanted to toss in a new love interest for Mina (not a permanent one, of course. I'll probably either kill him off or send him away at some point, but he'll be good for a little jealousy later.). And I think he is a potential stalker-type! The dude has so many issues with Mina that it'll be hard for anybody not to make him one. We'll have to compare styles, though.
I'm glad you liked the Bat Cave, but are you picturing Mina as Batgirl as often as I am? It's making it very hard for me to write anything serious.
Thanks again for reading. I love how insightful you always are, and it makes you that much more appreciated. Until next time!
Venusian From Hell: Glad you liked the Bat Cave idea. As funny as I found it, I was afraid it would be too corny. I'm so pleased that you didn't see it that way!
Venusian From Hell: Yep, Mal has found her...sorta. I didn't really let him get anything from her this time, but he will later. As for Artemis...he'll probably show up within the next chapter or two. I haven't quite worked him in yet, but I will. Thanks for the review!
Eagle8819: Don't worry about it. It really wasn't that big of a deal, and I was just glad that you read my story at all. I'm certainly not going to complain when you ask questions or make comments!
Thanks for the compliments. I always love hearing from you, and yes, more will be revealed about the enemy. I just haven't gotten around to it yet.
Sassy-chan: Don't sweat it, Sass. I know how busy life gets, so I'm not going to complain or chew you out.
Yes, the new character is Ace. I hadn't thought so many people knew about him, but apparently they do, because just about everybody guessed who he was. There's actually a website with all of the manga transcripts, and I'll put the address in my author's notes or something. Thanks for the suggestion.
I'm glad you liked the Bat Cave idea. I thought it was kind of funny, too, if only because I kept picturing Mina as Batgirl...giggles.
Sassy-chan: Thanks, again, for the compliments. You're always so sweet, and your descriptions of this chapter certainly got me motivated. You're an angel!
Actually, the credit for the dream sequence goes to a book I read years and years ago. I don't remember who it was by or even most of what it was about, but I remember that some woman kept meeting her lover in her dreams for years and years after they'd separated. Neither of them realized it wasn't real until they met up again, and it'll be the same for Mina and Mal. I just wish I could remember who the book was by, because then I could give proper credit...
No, I don't think they do like each other all that much. Mina resents Minako for her interference and for her failures in their past life, and Minako doesn't quite approve of the way Mina responds to things. And to answer your question, Mina is both afraid and sick of Minako. She's afraid of what Minako can tell her, but she's also sick of the interference. Does that help?
Thanks, as always, dear Sassy, for reviewing. You're wonderful!
Adyen: No kidding! It's got to have been one weird conversation...
S'okay. I understand. I don't always feel like taking the time to review, either, even if I'm hooked on the story. As long as I know that I haven't completely put you off, then I'm satisfied.
You're hilarious, if very, very weird. I'll certainly miss your jokes! Thanks for reviewing.
Becx: I thank you for the enthusiasm! And I'm not giving up, even if it takes me a while to get new chapters out. I'm just very busy at the moment.
Usagigreenleaf657: Thank you for the compliments, and as soon as I have even a little free time, I'll certainly check out your fic. Lemme know when it's up. (My email is ) Thanks again for reading!
JadesRose: I don't write fluffiness very well, but there will come a point when you'll feel practically nauseated by all the sappiness! Just be patient, please.
And thanks for the suggestions. I'll see if I can work them in at some point, because they really are clever.
And the snakes are outside my room because my brother has already filled both his room and the entire garage with creepy crawlers, and they can't stay outside even in California. I'm still having nightmares about those things, though...
A. Lee: Well, you know me—why make something easy when it can be complicated? 'Sides, I don't want Mina and Mal reconciling just yet. Sorry about the sneakiness! I really couldn't help myself.
Yes, TPLI (This Potential Love Interest, as you so cleverly put it) will be showing up soon. I like Ace, even if I'll either be killing him off or sending him away sooner or later, and I want him involved. We'll see what happens, though.
As always, thanks for reading! I adore you!
Fushigi Hime: I'm glad you liked this so much! Your compliments are certainly inspirational!
As always, thanks for the review. Trust me, the adoration goes both ways. You're an incredible writer yourself, and that makes your opinion mean so much more to me. Until next time!
Ocianne: How about if I just give you credit for that scar thing? Heaven knows you deserve it for being able to explain what I couldn't.
Yeah, but then he's a cat, so he's easy to forget. It also makes the idea of him having self-esteem issues very, very funny.
Explanation bought! Either that, or I tend to get wordy and introspective, and force all of that on Mina. (I like your explanation better!)
Yep, Minako will definitely return soon. She's going to start bugging the crap out of Mina real soon.
I'm glad you liked their conversation, and I'm also glad you picked up on the animosity between them. So many people keep asking me why they wouldn't like each other when they are each other, and it's good that somebody actually gets it without my having to explain. Your theory is dead on, though it's also because Mina is afraid of losing herself beneath Minako's personality.
Hmmm...can't answer that...mostly because I don't know yet. Maybe Mina will have something special that will help her defeat the Styx when Minako couldn't. It sounds like a good idea, and I'll see what I can do with it.
As always, I adore your input. You're a fascinating and insightful individual, and I'm flattered beyond words that you would spend so much time thinking about my story. Ja ne!
Optical Illusions: Well, I thank you for reading, and I definitely thank you for the compliments! If someone as wonderful as yourself can't find anything wrong with what I wrote, then I'm happy.
Merry Faerie: I adore you. Not many people would be willing to read such a long story, especially one that doesn't always makes sense. I'm flattered that you would even attempt it. You must be a remarkably patient person! Thank you for taking the time. It's quite the motivation!
I know you asked several questions in your reviews, but I can't answer them right now. My computer is spazzing and won't let me access the reviews for that story. As soon as I can, though, I will definately address each and every one of them. I'm overjoyed that you're thinking so much about what I wrote. Thanks for reading!