Excel: Well, that last chapter sucked.
Lee3: I guess I can't use asterisks for scene changes, since this format seems to omit them every time I use them.
Hyatt: So what will you do?
Lee3: Use the parenthesis for the scene changes.
Excel: What do you mean?
Lee3: You'll see.
Nyozeka: Hey, do you guys know where Alice is?
Lee3 & Excel: No, now get lost Rabbit girl (pulls a rope and a bunch of snakes fall from the ceiling)!
Nyozeka: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! SNAKES GET AWAY FROM ME (runs in terror while the snakes chase her)!!!
Lee3: She may be my favorite character in "Alice 19th", but that doesn't mean I want her here.
Excel: Uuuuuhhhhh, Lee?
Lee3: What (sees Excel pass out from being bitten by a Cobra)? Oh god (sees Hyatt dead). Better start on that disclaimer before I pass out or die.
I don't own Excel-Saga; if I did the manga/anime would go from making little sense to no sense. Nyozeka belongs to Yu Watase, but since she isn't in the main story, who gives a shit? I think that covers the legal crap. LET'S RUN THIS SHIT!!!
Training: With Bombs
(8:00am Excel and Hyatt's Apartment)
Lee: Hey Excel, did I tell you how nice this apartment is? Even though I did hit my head 8 times.
Excel: Yeah you did, and you also know just how cramp this apartment is. Wake up Ha-chan will ya?
Lee: Sure thing (walks over to the sleeping or dying Hyatt whose soul seems to be leaving her body a little bit at a time.) WAKE UP, BLOOD PUKER!!!!
Hyatt: (awakes as if nothing is wrong) Oh, is it morning already?
Lee: Yes Deadhead it is (Cell phone rings).
Hyatt: Is that your cell phone?
Lee: (sarcastic) You are very observant. (I glad I set the ringer to Equilibrium.) (Answers the phone) Yeah what is it? Yeah...okay...I got it...I'm sure they can handle this...okay...bye (hangs up).
Excel: What's up?
Lee: That was Ilpalazzo...we have an assignment.
Excel & Hyatt: REALLY?!
(Headquarters: 2 minutes later...don't ask.)
Lee: Yo, Ilpaldildo!
Ilpalazzo: Why do you always call me by that name?
Lee: Because I feel like it (Excel & Hyatt enters from the pit).
Excel: Hail Ilpalazzo (Hyatt coughs up blood and dies)!
Lee: Um, doesn't she get the "zzo" part out before dying?
Excel: Actually, she survives that and the briefing before (Excel falls into the pit) dyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!!
Lee: Why did you do that for?!
Ilpalazzo: (impersonates Lee) Felt like it.
Lee: (annoyed) Are you gonna impersonate me or get to the briefing?
Excel: (climbs out of the pit) Please, brief us Lord!
Ilpalazzo: You will go to this address (hands Lee the sheet of paper). Then you will blow up the building with this bomb (pulls the chord and a black box with mechanical legs falls in front of them).
Excel: (freaking out) Ohpleasedon'tpulltheropeIhaven't...
Lee: (pissed) YOU'RE NOT FALLING DUMBASS!!!!
Excel: Oh (regains what very little composure she has).
Lee: Yo Ilpalazzo, isn't that the bomb I used on that last mission I did for you?
Ilpalazzo: (nonchalant) I do believe it is.
Lee: But last time the mission failed miserably. I got caught in the explosion, got warped back to my dimension because of it, and this place nearly collapsed!
Ilpalazzo: Yes, but that won't happen this time, now go!
Lee: Fine (picks up the bomb, while Excel picks up Hyatt and departs).
(Through the streets of Fukuoka)
Excel: (laughing) So you blew up the wrong places?
Lee: (annoyed) It was only one failure. How many times have you and Hyatt failed?
Excel: (crying) I won't answer that.
Hyatt: (revives) Was it cheese?
Lee: What the hell are you talking about?
Hyatt: (clueless) Weren't you guys talking about food?
Excel: (drops Hyatt) No Ha-chan.
Lee: (looking at the map) This can't be right!
Excel: What's wrong?
Lee: These co ordinances have lead us to a Bakery.
Excel: Maybe the Bakery is evil.
Hyatt: I don't think so Senior.
Lee: Let's let the Robotic Bomb be the judge (drops the bomb, which walks to the side of the Bakery, stops, and arms itself).
Excel: Why does this feel familiar?
Hyatt: I think it's because we have done this a few time before Senior.
Lee: This feels like episodes 14 and 15, without the whole getting lost bit and the robot that beat up Roppanmatsu 2.
Excel: Lee, should we assume that we are at the right place?
Lee: Yes, the bomb was programmed to reach its destined target and arm itself to self-destruct.
Excel: How long until it blows up?
Lee: (smiles) 30 minutes.
Excel: (getting nervous) And... what is the blast radius?
Lee: (realizes something) Ten...miles...OH SHIT!!!
Hyatt: Were in the blast radius.
Lee & Excel: THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!!!!
Lee: (picks up Excel and Hyatt) Let's get the hell outta here (takes off at super speed)!
Excel: Do you have superpowers or something?
Lee: Yes, actually (looks at Hyatt). What's wrong with you, Hyatt?
Hyatt: Motion...Sickness!
Lee: Goddammit, is healthy even in your mind at all (Hyatt pukes blood all over Lee's shorts and then dies)? DAMMIT HYATT, THOSE WERE MY FAVORITE SHORTS!!!
(At the Department of City Security)
(Matsuya, Watanabe, and Sumiyoshi, are doing paperwork)
Iwata: (Bursts into the office) Everyone, Roppanmatsu 2 says there is a bomb 20 minutes from here!
Watanabe: Since when did you listen to what that robot girl says?
Matsuya: Wait a minute, another bomb?!
Iwata: Yeah, we gotta go!
Sumiyoshi: Where did all that valor come from?
Watanabe: Who knows...who cares? Let's just get over there.
(A/N: I know in the anime Sumiyoshi had subtitles. Well in the manga...he still had subtitles. So whatever lines I type in for the "Silent Bob Reject" are...you guessed it, subtitles.)
(At the Bombsite)
Roppanmatsu 2: (serious) This bomb will blow in 8 minutes.
Sumiyoshi: Does this seem familiar to anyone?
Watanabe: Yes it does (the bomb shows a projection of a hooded figure).
????: Ha, ha, ha, No man can diffuse this time bomb and by man I mean humans as a whole, so take that "women who think they can play the hero"!
Sumiyoshi: That projection was ingenious!
Matsuya: (annoyed) This is no time to be impressed, Sumiyoshi.
Roppanmatsu 2: (serious) Everyone, I'm going to diffuse the bomb, you guys get everyone and yourselves out of here!
Matsuya: Of course.
Watanabe: Did you get that Iwata...(sees a dust trail) he's gone.
Sumiyoshi: What's really weird is that everyone has ominously vanished.
Matsuya: We better do the same (everyone except Roppanmatsu 2 leaves).
Ropanmatsu 2: Okay, time to diffuse this thing.
????: It's too late.
Roppanmatsu 2: (starts tinkering with the bomb) Heat sensitive trigger: disconnected.
????: HUH??!
Roppanmatsu 2: Vibration Sensitive Trigger, Cold Sensitive Trigger, Horse Trigger and Cuss Sensitive Trigger: disconnected.
????: Damn, you're fast (all other triggers disconnected). Whoa!
(A/N: Cuss Sensitive Trigger?! Now you know I'm just throwing shit out there.)
Roppanmatsu 2: (cuts the red wire) That should it.
????: Congratulations, you diffused my bomb. I gotta hand it to ya, you're something else (confetti falls)!
Roppanmatsu 2: (jumps up and down) Oh, oh, what do I win, what do I win?!
????: A free explosion!
Roppanmatsu 2: That's what I'm talking about...hey wait a second (the bomb explodes, destroying the robot, but since she diffused most of the bomb the blast radius was significally weakened.)
(The Department of City Security)
Kabapu: Hello? What happened Watanabe...the bomb went off anyway...at least no one was hurt...she's a robot remember...you and the other should just take the rest of today off...bye (hangs up the phone). This is becoming a real nuisance.
(Back at Headquarters)
Excel: Do you have any idea if the planned worked?
Ilpalazzo: Yes Excel, it worked.
Excel: Yaaaaaaaay, we succeeded, which rarely ever happens because we always screw up (Ilpalazzo pulls the rope and you all know the rest) AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
Lee: I know there is a "but" or "however" coming on so I will just add to it. We blew up a Bakery dude, was that our intended target?
Ilpalazzo: Before Excel was rambling I was about to mention that the buildings around the Bakery were the intended targets.
Lee: What were those buildings?
Ilpalazzo: Police Stations, but since the blast was weak only one of the stations was destroyed.
Lee: But how is that a success? By all means that plan would be considered a failure.
Ilpalazzo: But we did destroy the person who tried to diffuse your bomb.
Lee: (partially angry) Someone tried to diffuse it?! So that's why the blast was just enough to take out one Bakery and one Police Building, instead of taking out everything within ten miles.
Ilpalazzo: All that aside, where is Agent Hyatt?
Excel: (climbs out of the pit) We dropped her off at the apartment. She won't be getting up for a while.
Ilpalazzo: Oh, then we have nothing to worry about.
Lee: If that's the case then I'm outta here (rips open the dimensional fabric).
Excel: You're going home already?
Lee: Hey, I'm starting college tomorrow, so I got to get back into the Circadian Rhythm of things. I'll see you guys in two weeks (walks into the rip, which closed behind him).
Excel: What a weird guy!
Ilpalazzo: Did you say something Excel?
Excel: (Freaked) No nothing!
To be Continued
Antics: Mince
Excel: (scolding Mince) Mince, you mustn't run around like that, I will make you skinny.
Lee: Muscle weighs more than fat, Excel.
Excel: Does it look like I care?
Lee: Is that a Rhetorical question?
Excel: Yes.
Hyatt: (shows up out of nowhere) Is it morning yet?
Lee & Excel: No, it's still the afternoon.
Hyatt: Oh (vomits blood all over the place and dies).
Lee: (frustrated) Awe shit!
Excel: Um, she always dies.
Lee: I know that, but she puked blood all over my favorite clothes!
Excel: So?
Lee: So? Maybe I don't want blood on my clothes. It makes me look like I killed somebody!
Excel: And that's a bad thing (Lee pulls on a rope that appears out of nowhere and you can figure out the rest.)? AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Lee: Even in this apartment Excel isn't safe from the rope.
Lee3: The second chapter is done. So what did you two think?
Hyatt: It's funny.
Excel: But you literally laughed yourself to death every few minutes.
Hyatt: I know (dies).
Excel: Not again. Don't you wanna live?
Lee3: What is your opinion Excel?
Excel: It's better than the first chapter.
Lee3: Good enough. Well readers, review or flame if you like, either way I'm writing chapter 3 which takes place right after Volume 8 in the manga.
Elgala: Which means I, Elgala will make an appearance.
Lee3: Yes it does. I'm outta here. See ya next time.