Oh well.. here i am again.. after AGES! , i just had to do this..
DISCLAIMER! : .. lets get this straight.. i am not Japanese.. i am not working at SE , i am not even anywhere near to be able to understand them... sigh so eventually.. i dont own Vincent-Hojo-Lucreic-Sephiroth-Gast-Cloud and not even the tiny snowflakes falling down the sky in that story.
I own nothing but a pot of nutella on which i spend all my time eating. ... So please don't sue me.
I just felt like watching a depressed Vincent (again) and for once.. not have him being screwed silly by Cid or whoever else i fell like Oo .
Ok ! so this done, gotta warn you again. I AM FRENCH! i DONT want to hear things about bad gramar and blah blah blah.. rough english and yadi yadi yada.. I KNOW IT ALREADY! -sigh- But at least.. i can write in english for YOU who dont know french.
ahah! So rant is done. up with the story nn I hope you like it.. and comments are more than welcome.. i mean wtf ?!?!? 2 tiny comments on my other fic? (and one of them is from a friend!) Geeez.. If you DONT like it.. CAN I KNOW WHY ?? ... would be nice.. Thank you - end of second rant- ... sry i had a bad day lol
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SNOWFALL
By: Shadowgirl669
There is snow, falling in silence, only thing moving in this deserted forest. It's like if life itself vanished from sight, hid away or even went to sleep. The moon is high in the sky, making the snowflakes glow as they fall. Such a simple view but how beautifull it is.
I remember comming here, a long time ago. I wasn't alone, unlike now. I remember her laughter when she tried to catch the snowflakes falling down, just like now. The sun was setting and the sky had those colors that only a late autumn sky wears. The first snowfall... It always made her look like a child. For years I loathed winter but with her, it was different. Spiraling snowflakes, falling as if dancing fairies.
31 years have passed since this day and I am here once again, without her...
I lean my back on a tree, watching the view, mesmerised by it while my mind drifts away. I hear the echo of her laugher, fading within the branches. Melody that never will be sung again.
My mind drifts further away, and only souvenirs of a past I long to leave, ressurfaces. A town, a beautifull woman, a long walk where both of us were laughing while talking about day and night.. A woman I loved, a woman I swore to protect, a woman I still love...
I lift my left hand to catch a falling snowflake, the metal covering it almost shining under the moonlight. It falls on my finger and I watch it melt after a few seconds, my mind still lost in souvenirs..
Hojo, Jenova, Gast, The Jenova project. If only I knew , if only I stopped them. I tried, I resigned, I accepted, for as long as she'd be happy.. then I wouldn't mind.
Or was I?
I didn't want to fight Hojo for her because she chose him.. but I still swore to protect her, day and night if need be. But I haven't protected her from he who she chosed.
I failed her, I failed my promise ... I wasn't there when she needed me and she will never be, because of me.
She gave birth to a small boy, and mere days after, she collapsed. I panicked... Hojo, this was all your fault, you hurt her! I went to face him but met my demise. I was hysterical, I gave into my emmotions and it cost me more than everything. My life, her life... yet I am still walking upon those lands and she isn't...
Hojo ... This has been my sin.. my torment, I let you do to her the unforgiveable. Yet I watched, for her. I accepted, for her. If only I knew... If only I did something, would she still be alive? Would she be with me? The planet wouldn't be at risk... the lives of so many innocents wouldn't have been lost.
Their blood are on my hands, as much as yours Hojo.. You for creating this madness, me for accepting it...for her hapiness.
But she is gone, you are gone, and I am still here...
Lucrecia, are you in peace now? Can you drift away in the depths of the lifestream with this same innocence that you always shown in life? Are you already back to life as a sweet child, about to rediscover what you wanted to protect and guide to happiness? This child you brought to life, you had so much hope for him. He was a new Christ, a salvation for mankind. But Hojo made him a demon, everything was planned like this. Somewhere, deep inside, I am sure he knew about it all along...
He knew it..
My legs gives in under my weight and I unceremoniously fall onto the ground, my back still leaned on the tree behind me. I look at the sky, just like we did 31 years ago. The same sky, yet not the same colors. My life was as colorfull as the late day sky so long ago and now, it is like now. Dark, sad... pained...
I do not remember when was the last time my heart didn't ache with every beating. I do not even remember the last time a warm smile made it's way onto my lips. I prefer the shadows, instead of the brightness of the sun. Everything has changed, this world, the peoples and me... Mere shadow of the man I once was.
The snowflakes keeps on falling, waltzing their way down, landing on my face, biting at it. Pain... as little as it is, is something I welcome. It a part of me... I wake in its arms and dream of it when I am asleep. I feared it as a Turk.. now I love it ...
For how long will have have to feel it for me to finally forgive myself? I do not know, I do not want to know.. sins cannot be forgiven .. I will not try. I am damned to live forever in a world that will never see me.
But this is only because I want it...
I put my right hand on my holster, clasping my fingers around my forever partner and take it out. I look at it, lost in thoughts.. I pass my fingers on it in small and faint caresses.
It's only because I want it?
Is it really what I want?
I could end this now... and no one would care or miss me..
I could take it to my heart and end it slow... make it stop from aching with one shot.. just one.. or I could take it to my head and end this fast..
I bow my head and bring the side of my gun to my forehead. It could all end tonight.. right now. No more pain, no more search for a salvation I will never obtain. Hojo is gone, Lucrecia is gone, Gast is gone, Sephiroth will be gone.. and I will be no more. The chapter of the Jenova project, closed and soon to be forgotten.
It would be for the better... After all.. I ain't better than Hojo, or Sephiroth.. I am a threat to this world as well.
Those demons dwelling inside me makes sure of that..those demons who kept me compagny in those 30 years of long slumber.. those demons who made sure that every memory of this day would remain fresh in my mind.. those demons that claws at my mind and controls me when I can no longer stand..
I am not myself, I will never be. I am dead.. I died 30 years ago.. in life I do not belong.. for this world I do not exist
Lucrecia..
Hojo..
Sephiroth...
My head spins.. all those thoughts intertwining one with the other.. memories of things i heard, things i saw.
"I offered the woman with my child to Professor Gast's Jenova
Project."
Hojo...
"This is the end for all of you."
Sephiroth...
"Back!! Stay back!"
Lucrecia...!!
"Hojo... How did you know?"
"She and I are both scientists!!"
"For it is through death that a new spirit energy is born. Soon,
you will live again as a part of me."
"I wanted to disappear... I couldn't be with anyone... I wanted
to die..."
"What will Sephiroth think when he finds out that I'm his father?"
"Ha ha ha. And at the center of that injury, will be me."
"Please, Vincent, tell me......"
"I will cease to exist as I am now.Only to be reborn as a 'God' to rule over every soul."
"...Vincent"
"Mother..... it's almost time...."
"When Sephiroth was still in the womb, we took the cells of
Jenova..."
I scream, I cannot take this anymore NO!! With my left hand I cover my right one that is violently trembling, my head still leaned on it and my quicksilver. My breathing has quickenned and my body is shaking as well. I fear I may morph.. right now. I feel CHAOS trying to take control.. he always does when I become unstable, when I lose control.
Stop!! .. stop I beg of you.. stop...please...go away.. not now..
Leave me alone..
STOP !!!
I tighten my grip on my weapon until it hurts my hand, if the gun wasn't of metal it would probably break.
This sin, this nightmare.. It's my fault.. my own fault.. Why didn't I stop them WHY!! Why did I believe him? I felt something would go wrong.. I knew it..
and I never did anything.
It's my fault....Lucrecia oh Lucrecia... Can you forgive me? Can you ever forgive me?
My beautiful angel...my muse
.. I am so lost.. I cannot continue this.. this nightmare.
I can't..
Slowly, I let go of my right hand and passes the tip of my left fingers on the quicksilver.
Make it all stop..
My mind blanks out, I think of nothing anymore and the silence of the night and the forest adds to it. I merge with the darkness and the emptyness.
A faint smile crosses my lips and I turn my gun at my head, pressing the barrel at my temple. My hand still shakes violently and I wonder if I won't accidentaly pull the trigger because of it...
Make it stop.
It would be so easy.. so fast.. one last movement, just an inch long movement and everything will end. I will join her in the lifestream, I will protect her from Hojo, I will wait for Sephiroth to arrive and make sure she sees him and holds him, at last. I will watch her get reborned and I will be her guardian. A soul by her side.
It would be so easy.. all it requires is a single...one inch long... movement..
I close my eyes, taking a deep breath and holding it in, ready to pull the trigger. My heart beats at the pace of a runaway train and I feel tears forming in my eyes. At last.. everything would end.. I would be free.. I would drift off to sleep, once again, one from which I would never awake.
but....
no.. no! NO! I .. I do not want to die.. do I? I don't know... what if... what if I cannot be with her again? What if.. what if she hates me?
Am I.. affraid? Affraid to end this all? Affraid to live?
" ..... Vincent "
I reopen my eyes. Have I just heard my name?
Lucrecia? Is that you? Are you here?
I lower my gun and look around but see no one, I feel no one. There is nothing but the darkness, the silence and I. No, I must have been hallucinating, no one is here... I am alone..
I glance at my right hand, layed on the ground and still holding my weapon. I try to lift it to my head again, but I cannot convince myself. My hand refuses to move as if weighting a ton.
I am such a coward...
With both hands at the side of my body, layed lifelessly on the ground, I look at the sky again. The snowflakes are still falling, shimmering under the moonlight, faintly piling up on the ground, covering the planet with such a pure mantle, a mantle I almost tainted.
Why can't it be easy? Why can't I convince myself? Why can't I forget?
If I die, what will happen with this world... Will Cloud and everyone be able to stop Sephiroth? If I live, will I be able to help them stop him? And if we stop him, what will there be for me after? What will I do? Where will I go?
I haven't aged in the 30 years where everyone I know has died. What is there left for me in this world I do not even know?
..... will I always be... alone?
Avalanche...Once everything will be over, will we all split and go on separate ways or will we all keep in touch one with the other? Will they want me?
So many what and ifs, so many questions. Do I really want to know the answers?
With a bittersweet smile, I holster my gun. I will give it... some more time.. and see. I better make sure Sephiroth will join his mother before I leave this world.
That is...
If I do leave it... cowardice hurts, i know.
Getting back up, I walk away, melding in the shadow of the forest. I do not feel better, not at all. I may never be alright, but I'll take it a day at a time. Right now, I got my objective: Sephiroth. I'll deal with the future once it becomes present.
Lucrecia...
Wait for me my love, one day we will be united, one day I will protect you. But before I do, I will send you your son. You will hold him and show him that his mother was a beautifull and gentle angel. I am sure that, with you, he will be able to rest in peace.
....just please....forgive me.
end
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