(A masked reader with a Sledge Hammer is hunting down the author.)
Masked Reader: Heh, heh, heh, he's behind this door and when I open it I'm gonna beat his lazy-ass with this Sledge Hammer (opens the door and find the author with his back to him) (charges at the author). This is it, I gotcha!
Lee3: (stoic) You can put down the hammer Royiaki I just finished updating this fic.
Hanku: (stops, drops the hammer and takes off the mask) How did you know it was me?!
Lee3: Wasn't it you who mentioned something about hitting me with a sledge hammer unless I updated soon...dammit?
Hanku: You remembered that?
Lee3: Hey, you gave me such a laugh I just had to update this thing.
Hanku: Can you tell the fans what is going on in this chapter and why you took so long?
Excel: (shows up out of nowhere) It'sacrossoverinvolvingafewcharactersfromtheTenchiseries,SilentMobius,DirtyPair,BubblegumCrisisTokyo2040,ReadorDieandanyothershowsExcelforgottomention!
Lee3: (annoyed) Like the secondary characters from the ANIME Excel-Saga. All of these fools will be in this chapter and I had College work to do and since the Fall Quarter ends one week before my 21st birthday and the grades are due the day after, I want to do SO WELL that I know I passed my classes before grades are due so I do NOT have the spend my 21st birthday on eggshells. I already had to do that last year (pulls the rope and Excel falls).
Excel: What did Excel do?!
Lee3: THAT FAST TALKING YOU DID WAS MY LINE!!!!
Hanku: Well, I'm gonna start the disclaimer now.
Lee3: Uh, no you're not (pulls the rope an Hanku falls)!
Hanku: WHAT DID I DO?!
Lee3: THIS IS MY FIC I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO STARTS THE DISCLAIMER!!!! I don't own Excel-Saga, any of the Tenchi Series, Dirty Pair, Read or Die, Silent Mobius or Bubblegum Crisis Tokyo 2040. If I did it would be like the "Going too Far," episode of Excel-Saga only with one big orgy.
I don't own Hanku either, but he isn't in the main story so...does that matter? It probably does. Just being on the safe side.
Hanku & Excel: (jumps out of the pit ) This fic isn't going to make much sense is it?
Lee3: Nope. RUN IT!!!
Anime Hell: Part 1
Excel & Elgala: HAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLL ILPALAZZO!!!
Hyatt: zzo.
Lee: (hangs upside down by his tail) Yo dude.
Ilpalazzo: Everyone the world is corrupt.
Lee: Do you have to say that all the time?
Ilpalazzo: What do you mean?
Lee: We know this world is corrupt, hell my world is corrupt, EVERY WORLD I'VE BEEN TO IS FUCKIN' CORRUPT!!!!
Ilpalazzo: That is a very good point, by the way how is that machine coming?
Lee: (stoic) Almost finished.
Excel: What kind of...
Ilpalazzo & Lee: It's classified!
Elgala: Is it a giant Laser Gun (Ilpalazzo pulls the rope)? AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! HEY GUYS, THERE IS A SNAKE IN HERE!!! ACK, IT'S SWALLOWING ME!!!!
Lee: (cell phone rings) Hello...hey dude, wassup? WHAT (tail retracts and Lee falls on his head)?! They're running around here?! Okay...so the cops from Tenchi Universe are here...the A.M.P. and the Dirty Pair are here too...THE PAPER SISTERS AND NENENE ARE ALSO HERE?!
Hyatt: What's wrong?
Lee: Because my Dimensional Cannon wasn't finished the communications and transports Ilpalazzo made caused a bunch of rips in the Dimensional Fabric, enabling other anime/manga characters to come through...what's that...the Anime Excel-Saga cast is here...and the Puni Puni Poemy cast, what is this the Dumbass Convention?!
Elgala: (climbs out of the pit half dead) I heard everything...are we in trouble (Lee pull the rope with the message "No Shit Sherlock" while on the phone)? I GUESS SOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Lee: (pissed) Anyone else here?! Yes, I've seen Bubblegum Crisis Tokyo 2040...oh, so the Knight Sabers are here too. Anyone else...who the fuck are the Excel Girls...oh wait now I remember...(relaxes) okay I'll get right on it...no help from you will be required...goodbye (hangs up).
(A/N: In this fic Lee knew all the characters that were just mentioned, EXCEPT the Excel Girls and the Read or Die cast.)
Ilpalazzo: (about to pull the rope) Is this somehow my fault?!
Lee: (stoic) Inadvertently yes, the keyword being inadvertently because you didn't know what was going on.
Ilpalazzo: (lets go of the rope) Oh, but something else has occurred I see.
Lee: Yes, we gotta send a bunch of anime characters back to where they came from. They could pose a threat to the ideal of conquering this city.
Ilpalazzo: You're right, Excel, Hyatt, Elgala!
Excel, Hyatt & Elgala: Yes, Lord Ilpalazzo?
Ilpalazzo: You three are to assist Lee in eliminating these anime freaks!
Lee: Um dude, I'm friends with most of them.
Ilpalazzo: Oh, well...
Lee: (smirks) I get it...I have the weapons needed to send them packing without having to punch more holes in the D-fabric (reveals a suitcase full of weird looking Laser Guns). These guns will warp those anime characters back to their home dimensions.
Excel: How do they work?
Lee: (annoyed) It's easy dumbass just point and shoot. Oh, I almost forgot...these guns ONLY WORK on the ANIME CHARACTERS, in order to prevent friendly fire when we face your anime doubles.
Excel: Nice thinking, but when do we face our anime doppelgangers?
Lee: Next chapter.
Elgala: I, Elgala would like to know who is first to be returned to sender?
Ilpalazzo: I would recommend the anime characters that can fight.
Lee: Exactly, which means we should concentrate on all mercenary and cop characters first. Those are: the Galaxy Police Officers Mihoshi and Kiyone, the A.M.P., the Dirty Pair, the Paper Sisters with their friend NeNeNe and the BGC Tokyo 2040 crew a.k.a. the Knight Sabers.
Excel: LET'S MOVE OUT (the quartet departs)!!!
Ilpalazzo: Come back alive.
(On the streets of Fukuoka)
Excel: Where do we start looking for these cartoon retreads?
Lee: Keep going straight...they'll appear out of nowhere.
Hyatt: Like in a videoga...(vomits blood and dies)
Elgala: Seniors, Hyatt just died again!
Lee & Excel: So, what are you gonna do about it?
Elgala: Nothing.
Excel: Hyatt, get up we don't have time for this!
Hyatt: Yes senior (everyone's gun starts beeping).
Excel: OH MY GOD IT'S GONNA BLOW!!!
Lee: IT'S NOT GONNA EXPLODE YOU IDIOT...It's the radar I put into the guns, you can figure out their purpose (the guns beep furiously). Someone is...
Excel: Right in front of us!
(The quartet sees Mihoshi and Kiyone who are looking aloof right now...well Kiyone anyway.)
Mihoshi: (happy as always) Hey Lee, long time, no see!
Lee: Yeah, it's been what half a decade my time (points his gun at them)? Nothing personal ladies, but I have to send you two back to your dimension.
Kiyone: Wait a...(Lee shoots her and she disappears)
Mihoshi: Kiyone, Kiyone, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! YOU DISINTEGRATED HER!!!! OH KIYONE I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!!!
Lee: SHE'S NOT DISINTEGRATED DIPSHIT!!!!
Hyatt: Wouldn't there have to be debris for that to happen?
Lee: DUH!
Excel: Can I shoot this spaz now, please?
Lee: Not yet.
(20 seconds and more of Mihoshi's stupidity later.)
Mihoshi: (crying) COMEBACK KIYONE I NEED YOU!!!
Lee: (ubber pissed) I can't take this shit anymore! Take her out goddammit!
(Excel, Hyatt & Elgala shoot Mihoshi, Matrix style.)
Mihoshi: (after several hits) I'M MELTING, MELTI...(disappears)
Lee: I'm beginning to remember WHY I haven't visited the Tenchi crew in 5 years!
Excel: (pissed) WHY DIDN'T YOU SHOOT THAT DUMB BLONDE FIRST?!
Lee: So I could give Kiyone a few moments of nirvana before Mihoshi drives her to insanity (gun beeps like crazy again).
Elgala: According to this the enemy is behind us.
Yuri: Kei, isn't that Lee over there?
Kei: (sees Lee's face) Hey it is (gets pissed)! Hey shit-head!
Lee: What the hell?
Kei: You're gonna pay for wrecking my ship (she and Yuri charges at the quartet)!
Hyatt: Do you know them?
Lee: Oh yeah. I can keep telling them that I had no choice, but they won't listen to me. We don't have time for this, open fire!
Excel: Alright, let's raise hell!
(Everyone starts shooting and Kei was shot half way.)
Kei: I'm hi...(disappears)
Yuri: (jumps and is about to land in front of Excel) Those guns are...(shot by Hyatt) AAAAAAAA...(you should have figured out what happened by now)
Excel: Damn, what a hassle (the guns start beeping normally). Whoa, the beeping is coming from the East.
Hyatt: I think this mission would be easier if we split up.
Lee: She has a point, just in case the enemies are in different areas.
Excel: Okay, so what are the teams?
Elgala: I, Elgala want to go with you (hugs Lee)!
Lee: (electrocutes Elgala) Actually, I want you to go with Excel.
Excel: (whines) Why do I have to pair up with her?
Lee: Hey, someone has to keep Hyatt alive, let's go Hyatt.
Hyatt: Yes sir (they go North).
Elgala: (gets up) I guess we'll have to get along for this.
Excel: I agree, lets go (they head East).
(Lee & Hyatt's team)
Hyatt: Senior?
Lee: I don't know if I told you or the others this, but I hate formal titles.
Hyatt: Lee, who is our next target?
Lee: Hopefully, the A.M.P.
Hyatt: Would they be those female officers in front of us?
Lee: What? Whoa! Either they can't be tracked by radar or the radar conked out.
Yuki: Hey, it's Lee!
Kiddy: Yo, how are you doing?!
Lee: I'm fine. Right now me and my cohort... (Sees a dead Hyatt) who is dead now are going to send you all back to your dimension.
Katsumi: Fine with us.
Lee: (kicks Hyatt) Get up Hyatt we have a job to do and this time we didn't freak anybody into a panic like rage.
Hyatt: (awakens) Okay.
Rally: (makes the "this is disturbing" face) Wasn't she dead?
Lum Cheng & Mana: SHE'S A LUCIFER HAWK...GET HER!!!
Lee: (annoyed) Oh my god, fire at will (both of them shoots up the A.M.P in a few seconds).
Hyatt: That was easy (their guns start beeping like crazy). There it goes again.
Lee: (points to the roof of a building) They're on the roof!
Hyatt: How did you know?
Lee: There is always an enemy on the roof in these situations (watches the Knight Sabers jump off and land in front of Lee and Hyatt).
Sylia: Long time no see.
Lee: If it isn't the Knight Sabers. Are you four gonna let Hyatt and I warp you all back home or I have to strip you all naked and then shoot you gals?
Priss: I prefer to fight.
Hyatt: She's violent isn't she?
Lee: We never got along that much. That's why when I wasn't rockin' out with her I was whoopin' her ass.
NeNe: You gave Maki illegal drugs!
Lee: Hey, those mushrooms were from the Realm of the Dead and I told him to analyze them NOT EAT 'EM!!! Hey, why are you yelling at me anyway, you ate them too and while on that hallucination/Acid trip you ran around screaming "BOOMER" at the top of your lungs! Your constant shrieking pissed off everyone and broke all of Sylia's windows and that's a lot of windows.
Linna: (starts laughing) That was pretty funn...(gets shot by Hyatt)
NeNe: LINNA (Lee shoots her for screaming)!!! NOOO...
Lee: Aww, the shriek, the Shriek of Death.
Sylia: I know what you...(Hyatt shoots her)
Priss: SYLIA, YOU DIRTY BAS...(Lee shoots her 14 times)
Hyatt: Yay, we...(coughs up a lot of blood and dies)
Lee: Only one more group to go (looks at the dead Hyatt)! I guess you deserve that little hiatus (radar beeps like crazy). No rest for the weary, at least we didn't have to move much.
????: You killed an innocent woman!
Lee: (stoic) She always dies on her own.
????: Liar, no one can do that.
Lee: My friend Hyatt can.
????: No more lies...face the wrath of the Paper Sisters!
????: (forms a bow & arrow out of paper) I'm Michelle!
????: (forms a lion out of paper) I'm Maggie.
????: (forms a sword out of paper) I'm Anita, you murdering fiend!
Lee: (sarcastic) Murdering fiend? Oh, that's a good line.
Michelle: Silence! Now...
Lee: (didn't get the message) And you three form crap out of paper and use it as a weapon...that's the dumbest power I've ever seen in my life! Only J.C.Staff can come up with something that stupid!
(A/N: (laughing) That really is a dumb power. I know the "Read or Die" fans are gonna hate me for this, but I just had to do this.)
Anita: Hey, don't mock...
Lee: I'm sick of this shit (shoots all three without even trying).
Paper Sisters: WE HAVEN'T DONE A...(they're gone)
NeNeNe: YOU BASTARD, THOSE WERE MY FRIENDS (Lee shoots her in the head)!!!
Lee: (sarcastic) Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it woman.
Great Will: (shows up out of nowhere) You think you're so badass. Well let's see how...(Lee shoots her several times) What the h...
Lee: Now that the living RESET MACHINE is gone the rest of the missions will be easier (picks up Hyatt and heads for the apartment).
(At the Apartment)
Lee: (on the phone) Ilpalazzo, Hyatt and I completed the mission and Excel and Elgala already completed most of Mission 2...glad you're pleased, but I wish they took out Nabeshin and Rikdo, I guess I will have to deal with them...bye (hangs up).
Excel: What did he say?
Lee: He said good job, take the rest of the day off and meet him at Headquarters at 5:00 tomorrow morning.
Hyatt & Elgala: Yay, let's get something to eat!
To be Continued
Antics: Excel & Elgala
(A/N: This takes place right before Lee & Hyatt ran into the A.M.P.)
Excel: Why do you think Lee partnered us up like this?
Elgala: Maybe he secretly likes Hyatt.
Excel: Um, you're speaking your thoughts aloud again and I don't think he has a love interest in Ha-chan.
Elgala: Are you sure?
Excel: Think about it. Why would he fall in love with someone who dies eight times a day?
Elgala: So, this pairing is strictly based on us working together as a team?
Excel: (smiles) Yep, after all we are coworkers whether we like it or not.
Elgala: I, Elgala would like to ask another question.
Excel: (annoyed) And that would be...
Elgala: Who are those people over there and why is this radar going haywire when I point this gun at them?
Excel: Where?
Elgala: There (points across the street where the anime versions of Sumiyoshi, Watanabe, Iwata, Kabapu, Matsuya, Roppanmatsu 1 and 2, Shioji and Momochi are standing.)!
Excel: (shocked) Elgala, do you know what this means?!
Elgala: That they are the secondary characters from the Excel-Saga anime and if we warp them back we could tell Lee and he would tell Lord Ilpalazzo and Ilpalazzo will praise us for our hard work.
Excel: You know, I wasn't expecting you to know that answer, but you forgot one thing.
Elgala: And that is...
Excel: OUR NEXT MISSION WILL BE A WHOLE LOT EASIER (fires three wild shots that hit Pedro, Sandora and That Man without Excel even knowing.)!!!
Kabapu: What was that (everyone looks in the direction where the shots were fired, but they didn't see anything.)?
Watanabe: Maybe you're getting senile Doc.
Roppanmatsu 2: (starts jumping up and down) Yeah, yeah, senile, senile, crazy, demented!
Iwata: SHUT UP YOU STUPID MACHINE!!!
Roppanmatsu 2: YOU SHUT UP!!!
Matsuya: (hits them both) BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!!!
(Excel and Elgala are hiding behind a nearby trashcan.)
Elgala: Why did you do that?!
Excel: Oops, I guess Excel got a little too excited.
Elgala: You almost gave us away Senior.
Excel: Oh well, so what do we do about those guys?
Elgala: I'm all for shooting wildly at them.
Excel: Same here, CHARGE (she and Elgala run out there shooting wildly at the City Security guys)!!!
Kabapu: What the...(get shot and warped)
Matsuya: At least he's...(next to go)
Iwata: Misaki no...(goes bye-bye)
Sumiyoshi: Run for it!
Watanabe: No shi...(he and Sumiyoshi got shot)
Roppanmatsu 1: The shots are being fired from across the street. The odds of...(got shot three times because the author hates probability.)
Roppanmatsu 2: Big sister? Where did...(got shot several times because the author can't stand annoying, ever spazzing, hyper robots.)
Shioji: (freaks) NO MY RO...(gets shot)
Momochi: That was...(gets shot a bunch of times for no reason)
Excel: Damn, the author sure hates hyper robots and Math huh?
Lee3: (as a voice over) Damn right I do!
Elgala: Well now that...(the gun starts beeping really fast) HUH?!
Excel: Elgala? There is a little girl with pink hair standing behind you.
Elgala: What?
Cossett: Hi, I'm Cossett Sarah and I'm here to (makes a demonic face) KILL YOU!!!
Excel: (stoic) Take her out (Elgala complies).
Elgala: Now it's over (Lee's image appears on a holographic screen that was manifested by the gun.).
Lee: Hey you two. Have you guys made any progress?
Excel: Yeah! We just warped the secondary characters from the Excel-Saga anime back to their dimensions!
Lee: Good, we just completed the mission and are on our way to the apartment. We'll meet up there.
Elgala: Where is Senior Hyatt?
Lee: I've got her with me, she's dead as always, but she was a great help, later (ends the transmission).
Excel: Let's go Elgala.
Elgala: Yeah.
Antics: Paper?
(A/N: This short takes place while Lee was waiting for Excel and Elgala who were an hour away.)
(At the apartment)
Lee: You all might be wondering how I found the new apartment. Well let's just say that this is an unorthodox fic so it doesn't make sense and leave it at that.
(A/N: Remember, the old apartment burned down at the end of Volume 8.)
Lee: (sets Hyatt down) Since Excel and Elgala are still minutes away, I think I'll have some fun. Take care of things Hyatt (creates a portal in the ground and jumps into it.).
Hyatt: (revives) Okay Lee...where did he...(dies again)
(In a totally different dimension)
Lee: (appears outside a bookstore) Man I love dimension hopping...(sees three semi-familiar faces) oh, the Paper Retards...time to prank (disappears leaving something behind).
Michelle: Look at all these great books!
Anita: Girl, you are obsessed to the point of freaky.
Michelle: I'm sure Maggie dear doesn't mind.
Maggie: (stoic) Not really.
Anita: Still, shouldn't we figure out who that guy was?
Michelle: (excited) LOOK AT THIS!!!
Maggie: It's a book and a letter.
Anita: What's so great about that?
Michelle: (reads the letter) Whoa, you guys should read this!
Anita & Maggie: What does it say?
Dear Paper Shit-heads,
Sorry about before, but I had no choice.
Lee (the guy who warped you three back to your home)
Maggie: What do you guys think?
Michelle: I guess he can't be all that bad.
Anita: I wouldn't trust that guy, even though he did send us back here unharmed.
Maggie: Is that a book your holding Michelle?
Michelle: It came with the letter. I guess it's a gift.
Anita: Open it...but be careful.
Michelle: Anita, books can't hurt you (opens the book but only one thing was written on it). Turn around?
(They trio complies, only to find graffiti on the street saying "You fuckin' suck," written.)
Anita: Now I know that was directed at us.
Lee: (appears behind Maggie) Exactly right little girl, that message is directed at you three.
(They Paper Sisters turn around to see their foe.)
Maggie: (looking up at Lee) And they say I'm tall.
Lee: (blushes) Um, yeah. Anyway I just wanted to say that controlling paper is still a dumb power, however I am sorry about before.
Anita: If you're sorry then what's with the graffiti!
Lee: Just to grasp your attention.
Michelle: (points a paper bow & arrow at him) Want do you want?
Lee: (breathes fires and burns the paper weapon) Just a little fun (pulls out a remote control and pushes the button).
Maggie: What will that...(a giant bomb with a skull and crossbones drops in front of them.)
Lee: (flies up to the short fuse, lights it and lands in front of the bomb.) I gotta go, but be prepared to jump high in the air (a portal forms under his feet, Lee sinks into it and the portal disappears).
Anita: Oh...(the bomb explodes, only to leave the property undamaged, but the Paper Sisters smoking) crap.
Maggie: What did he mean by jump high into the air?
Michelle: Maybe it involved that...(the bookstore explodes, the trio flew a few feet and landed on the ground.)
Maggie: ...explosion.
Michelle: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, NOT THE BOOKS ANYTHING BUT THE BOOKS!!!! WWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Maggie: (spots another note) Hey another note.
Michelle: (stops crying) What does it say?
Anita: (reads it) That bastard.
Michelle: Let me see...DAMN HIM!!!
P.S.
For the record, The Old Man and the Sea by Hemingway and all of the Harry Potter books suck ass!
The Paper Sisters: DAMN HIM TO HELL!!!
(Back at the apartment)
Lee: (reappears just as Excel and Elgala arrived) Hey, you two made it back.
Excel: Nice to see that Ha-chan is here too.
Lee: Well I'm gonna call Ilpalazzo and report on the mission.
End of Antics
Lee3: Finally finished.
Excel: Weren't you missing someone in that last Antics short?
Lee3: You mean Yomiko Readman a.k.a. Agent Paper? She'll suffer my wrath within the next few Antics shorts.
Hyatt: I think she means the one with the glasses.
Lee3: Nenene? I wasn't planning to put in that short...where is Hanku?
Elgala: He said something about Soul Caliber 2 and Astaroth kicking Link's ass.
Lee3: It's a challenge...I better go (looks at the Fourth Wall). Review or flame if you want.
Excel: Are you sure about that?
Lee3: Don't worry I can take it. I am in college after all. Sorry if I pissed off any "Read or Die" fans...yeah right. I'm a fan too. See ya next time.
Excel: When is that?
Lee3: Whenever the author has enough time to write Part 2 of "Anime Hell" on pen and paper and then type it up.