Lee3: (playing Soul Caliber 2) This Weapons Master mode rocks!

Elgala: (stands in front of the TV) Hello.

Lee3: What do you want Kasumi?

Elgala: (seductively) You.

Lee3: (stoic) Oh.

Elgala: Oh, what are you gay?!

Lee3: No, I am not interested in you, but Ilpalazzo is.

Elgala: Really, is he interested in me, Elgala?!

Lee3: That's right Kasumi, now go and brag to Excel.

Elgala: I, Elgala will do just that (departs)!

Hanku: (appears out of nowhere) Was what you said to that girl true?

Lee3: No. In fact, she will get beat up by Excel right about…now (hears Excel yelling and Elgala screaming as she got beat up by her senior officer.).

Hanku: (stoic) Disclaimer?

Lee3: Oh yeah, I better start on that. I don't own Excel-Saga or Hanku…you know what? You guys should know by now so let's RUN THIS SHIT ONE MORE TIME!!!!

The Most Clichéd Plan Ever

Excel & Elgala: HAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLL ILPALAZZO!!!

Hyatt: zzo.

Lee: WAZZZZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUUUP!!!

Ilpalazzo: Good morning to you all. Lee, is that…

Lee: Yep, and it's charging now.

Excel: Lord Ilpalazzo, can you explain this big plan that is so important that we had to be here at three in the morning?

Ilpalazzo: I'm getting to that, but I would like to say that Lee and I came up with this plan.

Elgala: Well what is it?

Lee: It is…A GIANT LASER CANNON (Ilpalazzo shows the Laser Cannon on screen)!!! This thing will fire one big powerful laser straight into space, afterwards the laser will split into a bunch of other lasers and head straight back to Earth hitting various targets that I command it to strike.

Excel: Um…isn't that the most clichéd plan ever devised?

Lee: (getting irritated) Is there a problem, with our idea Excel?

Excel: Well yeah, that plan has been done to death.

Lee: Yeah well so has this bit (pulls the rope and Excel falls).

Excel: I'M SOOOOOOOOORRRRRYYYYYYYY!!!

Lee: TOO LATE MORON!!!

Hyatt: When does this plan occur?

Lee: This afternoon, the laser takes a long time to charge up.

Ilpalazzo: Why don't you use your powers to charge the laser cannon?

Lee: The charge time IS with the powers. Besides, I need time for my Ultra Pinch to get into position.

Ilpalazzo: Didn't you already have a Pinch in the sewer?

Lee: Yes, that is the main one, but my Ultra Pinch, which is my reserve Pinch is arriving from the air and won't arrive until this afternoon. This is just in case the main one is incapacitated.

Hyatt: Um, what is a Pinch anyway?

(A/N: If you haven't seen the Ocean's Eleven remake you probably won't know what I'm talking about.)

Lee: A Pinch can shut down any power source within range…like a nuclear weapon it shuts down any power source within its blast radius.

Excel: (climbs out of the pit) ARE YOU SAYING THAT BOTH OF YOUR PINCHES ARE NUCLEAR BOMBS?!

Lee: (smirks) No, what I am saying is that a Pinch is like a nuclear bomb minus the mass destruction and death.

Ilpalazzo: Are you sure that you main Pinch can knockout an entire city?

Lee: Yeah, the main Pinch is the biggest one in my dimension. It was in the California Institute of Advanced Science…before I jacked it. I did create my Ultra Pinch and it's a bigger badder version of the main one.

Excel: What do we do now?

Lee: We wait.

Hyatt: What about when it's time for the laser to fire?

Lee: The Pinch should be enough of a distraction for the City Security Shit-heads. All I need is you, Excel and Elgala with me.

Elgala: All right maybe during that time I can tell Lee that I wanna…

Lee: Hello, I'm right here, I can hear everything that you are saying.

Elgala: WHAT (Ilpalazzo pulls the rope and Elgala falls)?!

Ilpalazzo: The Hyper Cannon should fire at 12:00pm.

Lee: Hyper Cannon is the code name for the gun.

Excel: Does this mean we are free until then?

Ilpalazzo: Yes.

Excel: ALRIGHT!!!

(For the next seven hours Excel, Hyatt and Elgala slept and then they went to the store. After they dropped off the food they had to report back to Headquarters to wait for Lee's report. Basically, he watched TV while monitoring the Hyper Cannon charging up and waiting for the Ultra Pinch to arrive in at 11:00am. Now it's 10:00am and the Department of City Security Staff are standing in front of an abandon building with a demolition crew about to blow it up.)

Watanabe: Someone please tell me why we are here?

Matsuya: We are here to make sure nothing goes wrong with the demolition.

Watanabe: What could possibly go wrong? The Demolition Crew is here and so are the "Do Not Cross" tapes, so who would be STUPID ENOUGH to go get too close to the building?

Sumiyoshi: Iwata.

Watanabe: True, but he is getting a new body worked on right now.

Sumiyoshi: I almost forgot about that.

Kabapu: (over the megaphone) DEMOLITION IN FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE (one of the workers pushes the Demolition T and the building explodes)!!!

(At the Apartment)

Lee: (watching TV) Hey, is that the abandoned building I put that Pinch under (watches the building crumble after the explosions went off)? It is that same building.

IRIS: Pinch destroyed.

Lee: (shocked) WHAT?! Shit, what else can go wrong (the power goes off)? Goddammit (teleports)!

(In the sewers under the now destroyed building)

Lee: (sees his Pinch obliterated by parts of the ceiling) Fuck, my Pinch is destroyed (overhears two Electricians talk about how the main line was destroyed.). The Hyper Cannon was hooked to that line…if there is no power going to then cannon then it will gradually lose power. I've got to report to Ilpalazzo.

(At Headquarters)

Ilpalazzo: He's late.

Excel: Are you gonna purge him?

Ilpalazzo: No, because if he is not making a report then it means that everything is going smoothly.

Elgala: So, what you are saying is that Lee was to report anything that went wrong with the Hyper Cannon?

Ilpalazzo: Yes.

Excel: (ecstatic) YAAAAAAAAAAYYYY, THAT MEANS THAT WE WILL HAVE THIS CITY CONQUERED BY NOON!!!

Hyatt: I'm so happy Senior!

Elgala: Woohoo!

(The three girls did a victory dance when Lee came through the door.)

Lee: (frustrated) Don't be celebrating yet girls!

Hyatt: What's going on?

Lee: We're in deep shit!

Ilpalazzo: Elaborate.

Lee: The Demolition Crew took out the main Electric Line!

Ilpalazzo: What?

Lee: You heard me. They did what I was gonna do when the Hyper Cannon fired, only they did it by accident. Now they know their fuck up and they're rectifying it!

Elgala: What about that thing.

Lee: The Pinch? A huge chunk of the ceiling fell on it and destroyed it and my backup won't arrive in 30 minutes!

Ilpalazzo: What about the cannon.

Lee: I put the cannon a few miles behind the building…now it's exposed and without the power running it will lose power.

Ilpalazzo: It's 11:00 now. When your backup arrives can you get it running in 30 minutes?

Lee: (thinks for a minute) Yes I can. I also have a plan. We're cutting it close, but it should work and I need Excel, Hyatt and Elgala to pull this off.

Excel: What do we need to do?

Lee: First, I will go to the cannon to prevent further power loss by charging it with my powers. Since it will be a matter of time before the authorities find it I need you three to create a diversion. Do something that will get the citizen's and the authorities' attention, JUST BE SURE THAT YOU CAN ESCAPE!!!! Oh and keep them away from the cannon.

Excel, Elgala & Hyatt: Okay (Hyatt dies).

Lee: This could be a problem.

(At the Hyper Cannon: Time to Fire: 31 minutes)

Lee: (hands Excel a Time-bomb set at T-5minutes) Hurry, take that bomb and place it as far away as you can.

Excel: Where do you want it?

Lee: I don't care where you put just keep it away from this gun!

Elgala: Seeing Lee's plan in action makes Elgala…

Lee: THERE'S NO TIME FOR THINKING ALOUD, NOW GET MOVING THE TIMER IS RUNNING!!!

Excel: Got it (both she and Elgala takes off while carrying Hyatt)!

Lee: (starts using his powers to charge the cannon) If it wasn't for the black box Excel, Hyatt and Elgala retrieved back in the beginning the cannon would have lost power a lot more power…I should thank them later.

(Five miles from the cannon)

Elgala: How much time do we have?

Excel: One minute.

Elgala: There is no time left, just plant the bomb!

Excel: (places the bomb on a jail wall) LET'S GET OUTTA HERE (they bail)!!!

Elgala: Where to?

Excel: (sees an open manhole) HEAD FOR THE SEWER (dives into the manhole while carrying Hyatt)!!!

Elgala: This is exciting and OH SHIT THE BOMB IS ABOUT TO BLOW!!!

Excel: MOVE YOUR ASS BITCH (Elgala jumps into the manhole before the bomb explodes)!!!

(Back at the Hyper Cannon)

Lee: (sees the Ultra Pinch arriving) Yeah, this is perfect (the Ultra Pinch lands and Lee starts hooking it up to the Hyper Cannon)! Now that the Ultra Pinch is being used as a generator, I can finish hooking up everything else for the operation (hears the bomb go off). Hmm, it detonated sooner than it was supposed to.

(At the Civil Service Office)

Watanabe: We just got back and now we have to go out AGAIN?!

Matsuya: An explosion occurred five miles away from a giant laser cannon.

Sumiyoshi: What can we do about that?

Watanabe: Investigate I suppose.

Matsuya: Let's get this over with.

Roppanmatsu 2: Let's do it!

Matsuya: I really want to get this over with.

(Back at the Hyper Cannon: Time to Fire: 5 minutes)

Lee: What are you three doing back here?

Hyatt: (revives) Did we win?

Excel: No, we still have time left.

Lee: Well everything is hooked up now and the Hyper Cannon is charged up now. All I have to do is push that red button with the Skull & Crossbones on it.

Elgala: This is wonderful, now I, Elgala will witness city conquest at work.

Lee: Why do you always do that?

Elgala: Do what?

Lee: That thing with the I, Elgala/Kasumi all the time?

Elgala: I don't do that.

Lee: Yes, you do.

Excel: I have noticed that too.

Elgala: I don't talk like that!

Lee & Excel: YES YOU DO!!!

Hyatt: Seniors, who is that over there?

Lee: (looks through binoculars) Shit, those Security Retards are almost here.

Excel: We'll get them!

Lee: No, I'll just fire the cannon early (pushes the button and the cannon is about to fire). Yes, yes, it's working perfectly (sparks start flying and the cannon starts acting erratic). What the hell is going on? IRIS, what's wrong?

IRIS: The Hyper Cannon is a DC unit.

Lee: So?!

IRIS: It is running on an AC current from the Ultra Pinch. Remember that one "Jetsons" episode.

Lee: Oh shit.

Hyatt: What will happen?

Lee: Either the cannon will fire or it will explode.

Elgala: That is not good.

Lee: If this fails I would like to say…we had a good run (the cannon fires). SWEET IT WORKS!!!

Excel: WE DID IT!!!

Hyatt: WAY TO (vomits blood and is barely survives)…

Elgala: WE WOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNN!!!

(A mile away from Ground Zero)

Sumiyoshi: We failed.

Watanabe: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH, WE'RE GONNA DIE right?

Matsuya: (stoic) Oh yeah.

Watanabe: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

Matsuya: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN LAID YET…not that I care.

(The Laser went into space bounced off a satellite and was heading back to its point of origin.)

Lee: (looks through telescope) Damn, the laser bounced off a U.S. satellite and is coming back here!

Excel: Isn't that what it's supposed to do?

Lee: It was supposed to split when it got a certain distance, the satellite must have been at the right place at the wrong time. Once again the United States bails out one of their allies without even trying.

Excel, Hyatt & Elgala: Are we screwed?

Lee: Royally…AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Excel: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

Hyatt: AAAAAAAA(dies)…

Elgala: OH MY GOD, SENIOR HYATT IS DEAD AGAIN!!!

Excel & Lee: WHO THE FUCK CARES (the laser hits its mark and a huge explosion occurs sending Team ACROSS in different directions)?!!!

Lee: (pissed) STUPID SATELLITE (a portal opens and Lee flies uncontrollably through it)!!!

Excel: HA-CHAN!!!

Hyatt: (revives) Did we win Senior?

Excel: NO!!!

Elgala: Lord Ilpalazzo will be furious with us!

Excel: (sarcastic) OH REALLY, YOU THINK?!

(Back at Headquarters)

Ilpalazzo: (watching the failure) Lee has failed…oh well at least we tried and the girls were at the peak of their best.

(Meanwhile in another dimension)

Lee: (plummets and hits the asphalt) Ow that really hurt (gets up and looks at his surroundings). What am I gonna do now (watch starts beeping)? What's up IRIS?

IRIS: You have another mission in this dimension.

Lee: What is it?

IRIS: Take care of the short brown haired girl 20 feet to your left.

Lee: (looks at the girl who is walking with a blue haired girl who is obviously her best friend) What the hell…is that…

IRIS: That's right, Poemi Watanabe.

Lee: (frustrated) WHERE THE HELL AM I!!!

(Back at Headquarters)

Ilpalazzo: What is your report?

Excel: We failed sir.

Ilpalazzo: Tell me something I don't know (pulls the rope and Excel and Elgala fell).

Excel & Elgala: YOU KNEW?!

Ilpalazzo: I knew.

Excel & Elgala: THIS SSSUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKSSSSSSS!!!

The End?

Warning: The following Antics short is political to the point where political figures get beat up and a possible epiphany from the self-insert. If you are really, really, ultra patriotic and conservative and can't take a joke and can't tell that I am joking…you suck balls. By the way I don't own Rush Limbaugh or any of the Political figures that may appear in this short…not like they're reading this anyway.

Antics: Gone Political

(Washington D.C., the nation's capital where the president resides. It also has the highest murder and crime rate. Right now it's peaceful…unless you're near the White House.)

Lee: (riding through the White House on a motorcycle) HELL YEAH!!! FUCK THE REPUBLICANS (stops right in front of George W. Bush)!!! Well look who it is. It's the guy who abandoned my home state during the energy crisis. Even though I think it was planned by PG&E…cheap bastards.

Bush: Let me guess…TV made you do this.

Lee: Oh, that's really nice coming from the guy who spelled potato wrong! Don't you need to find Osama or Weapons of Mass Destruction or piss off the world even more (rides towards Bush)?

Bush: What are you doing?

Lee: (busts out a steel bat) THIS ASSHOLE (whacks him with the bat rendering him unconscious)!!! I've always wanted to do that (rides through the back window and stops the bike). Where is my backup?!

(A Monster Truck jumps over the White House and lands in front of Lee who loads the bike onto the truck.)

Excel: (at the wheel) YEAH, THIS IS FUN!!!

Lee: (gets into the driver's seat) Move over Excel, You've done enough driving for one day (starts doing donuts around the backyard and he sees John Kerry just outside of the donuts Lee was doing).

John Kerry: What the hell is going on here?

Lee: Shut up you emotionless old bastard (gives him the finger)!

John Kerry: Real mature of you.

Excel: SHUT UP SHIT-HEAD (throws an anvil that makes contact with the former Democratic Candidate knocking him out.)!!!

(Lee stopped doing donuts and drives off.)

Excel: Hey, how come we didn't go after Howard Dean?

Lee: Well Excel, it's bad enough that a two second sound bite cost him everything. Now, out of watching politics what have you learned?

Excel: That you can freeze during one debate, act like a dumb-ass during the second one and literally drool during the third and still get reelected.

Lee: And?

Excel: Showing emotion scares the American people.

Lee: One more thing.

Excel: That a lot of Americans are more afraid of gays than their own soldiers dying in another country.

Lee: Exactly (runs over Conservative Talk Radio Personality Rush Limbaugh).

Excel: Who was that?

Lee: Just some stupid fat guy who thinks he knows everything.

Excel: (nonchalant) Oh is that all? Okay.

Lee3:That short was a jokeso don't take any of that seriously (stares at the pissed off conservative readers). What none of you guys have ever done that before?

Hanku: (points an AK47 at Lee3) Remember this?

Lee3: Oh bloody hell (points into the opposite direction)…LOOK SOMEONE IS LITTERING!!!

Hanku: (turns around) Where?!

Lee3: (hauls ass) SUCKER!!!

Hanku: GET BACK HERE (chases Lee and starts shooting)!!!

Lee3: You got Tex, I got pranks (pulls out a remote control and pushes the button and Hanku falls into a hole)!

Hanku: DAMMIT!!!

Lee3: SORRY DUDE!!! I better end this thing quick (the ground explodes from beneath him sending him flying twenty feet and he lands on his feet.)! Review, flame I don't give a shit at this point!

Hanku: Incoming (takes aim)!

Lee3: (pulls out an M-80) See ya guys next time…if I survive this shootout (both of them shoot each other)!