The world thought of him as a hero and he wanted to spit in their faces. He was no more a hero than the men who had charged into the arena intent on taking control of the situation, albeit a little too late. Sean was dead, Jack being a hero hadn't saved him nor would it bring him back. He grimaced as he thought about the media pestering him for interviews and pictures, which he refused to participate in. He was not a hero!
He found out later that the people huddled on the ice were the Garretts and others who were trying to save Sean's, and Deidre's life. The other shooter had headed toward that end of the arena and Sean felt it was his duty to try to stop him. The boy had peppered the stands and the people fleeing over the ice with bullets, one hitting Deidre in the chest, while Sean had been shot in the head. When it was all said and done, four people had died and seven were wounded, all because Jack didn't tell anyone what he had overheard. His own wound had only been a scratch, but Deidre was still in the hospital and would be for a few more days.
He heard Mrs. G sob and he looked over at the woman he had come to know as his foster mother and true friend. He wanted to comfort her as she had done that night he woke from a nightmare, but he was afraid she would push him away. It was his fault Sean was dead and Jack could not get over the guilt.
He thought of his son, Charlie, and how Sara had forgiven him, still not sure he understood why she did. He still blamed himself for that unnecessary death, just as he did for this one. Both children were dead because of him, two young lives ended because of his carelessness.
The preacher droned on about the virtues of Sean's life and about the tragedy the community was facing, while Jack tried to make sense of the decisions he'd made over the past week. Why didn't he report that conversation he'd overheard? Why didn't he do something to stop the whole thing before it happened? He hated regrets, and although he knew he would not dwell on them for too long, he spent a good deal of time on this particular one.
He had nearly killed himself because of the regret and guilt he felt over Charlie's death, but he had learned that there was more to life than his own pain. To dwell on these regrets only served to destroy everything Charlie and Sean wanted out of life. Neither would want Jack to destroy himself, his friend, Skaa'ra had taught him that, with his loyalty and willingness to please.
The snow that had been threatening to fall all morning finally did as they walked away from the gravesite. Kelly's face was hidden in her father's coat and Jack noticed that Mrs. G was wiping the tears from her face. He took one last look at his friend's grave before joining the others at the car.
The ride back to the house was quiet, punctuated only by Kelly's sobs and Mrs. G's sniffles. Mike had gotten permission to ride with them and he sat in the back seat trying to calm Kelly. Jack could only stare out the window thinking of all the children he knew and lost. "Could you stop here?" he asked Mr. G as they drove past another cemetery.
Mr. G. looked at him through the rearview mirror questionably, but turned into the cemetery when Jack didn't elaborate.
"Any place in particular?" he asked when they pulled into the drive.
"No. Right here would be fine," Jack said, wanting to be alone.
"We'll drive you to it," Mrs. G said through her tears, her concern for Jack overriding her own sadness.
His heart swelled with an emotion that he didn't want to admit to for the woman who had taken it upon herself to be a surrogate mother to him. He was responsible for her son's death and she still cared for him. He blinked away the tears that threatened to fall and gave them the directions. They arrived at his destination and he got out to walk up the small hill to the grave.
Sara had been keeping it up, he noticed. He squatted down to see the gravestone, memories sweeping over him of that funeral and the months afterward. He remembered the guilt and the hatred he felt toward himself, the desire to end it all, but not quite able to pull the trigger. He hadn't been strong enough to do it, the will to live outweighing the desire to die. The same desire to live that had gotten him through countless dangerous missions.
He stayed at the gravesite for awhile, remembering the loss of that young life and the long road to healing his heart. He thought of the young man he met on Abydos who helped him to understand that there were other young lives out there that needed him, that could love him and he realized in that moment that Sean was a lot like Skaa'ra in his loyalty and his ready smile. He smiled as he realized that both Skaa'ra and Sean were already helping him heal from beyond the grave.
"Jack?" Mrs. G called from behind him, causing him to jump at the sound. "You okay?"
"Yes," he nodded giving her a small sad smile. He stood up and was surprised when she reached over and wiped the tears from his face, tears he didn't even realize were there. "Who was he?' she asked as she linked her arm in his.
"A cousin," he lied. "Shot himself with his father's gun."
She gave a small nod and stared at the headstone. "You both were near the same age," she said, still staring at the headstone. "Were you close?"
"Yeah, really close," he said, then cleared his throat as he heard the catch in his voice.
"His father never forgave himself," he said quietly as he looked out over the graves.
"It wasn't your fault, Jack," she said and Jack whipped his head around to stare at her. Did she know?
"You couldn't have known that those boys were really going to go through with it," she continued with a puzzled frown. She stared at him for a few seconds then put her other hand out to touch his face. "You did your best to stop them. More than you would be expected to do. Colin and I don't blame you at all."
Jack stood there staring at Charlie's grave, not saying anything. Not able to speak through the fresh wave of grief. He wished he could make things different.
"Please don't blame yourself for this. It's not your fault."
"There is so much hatred in this world," he finally spoke. "So much anger. Whether it's the adults killing each other in wars or the children with their parents' guns, it will never change. We try to stop it, but we don't."
She didn't say anything and Jack turned to see the tears falling from her eyes. He put his arms around her and hugged her, her tears flowing freely into his jacket. They stood there for a moment, with the snow falling softly around them, and he held her tightly as she cried for her son. He marveled at her strength as he realized she was standing there comforting him in his grief while her heart was broken, destroyed by a 14 year old maniac.
"You are so wise for your years," she told him as she moved away from him, wiping futilely at her tears and staring into his eyes. "Sometimes I think you are a thirty year old in a seventeen year old body. I suppose you had to grow up fast because of all the tragedies in your life," she nodded at Charlie's headstone, "your cousin, your parents and now your best friend. You don't have to take on all the troubles of the world, Jack. Let other's help you or do it for you."
Jack wanted to tell her that there was more to it, that there were a lot more tragedies in his life, but he also realized that she was right. He was not responsible for all the bad things in his life, he just needed to let go of some of the guilt. He could do it, he knew he could. He stared at Charlie's headstone one last time, shook his head and turned to follow another of his saviors.
He glanced over to the left as he walked toward the car and saw a man standing a little way off, his hands stuck deep in his pockets, watching him, and Jack wondered what brought him to the cemetery on a day like this.
"Give me just a few more minutes," he told Mrs. G quietly. "I'll be right back," he continued as he stared at his old friend.
He walked toward the man dressed in Air Force dress blues, feeling a grin coming to his lips as he got closer. It was good to see him.
"I had a feeling you'd come by here today," George Hammond said as Jack walked up to him. "I heard about your friend and I'm real sorry for your loss, son. I'm proud of what you did, though. You saved a lot of lives there that day."
"I could have prevented it, you know," Jack said quietly, staring into the older man's eyes. "I had heard those boys talking about it earlier, but didn't pay too much attention to the danger they posed. I should have done something then." His eyes showed his grief as he turned to stare off toward Charlie's grave.
"Life goes on for people like us, Jack," George said. "No matter what we do, the good and the bad, it just keeps marching on. The hard part is learning to live with our decisions."
"Yeah," Jack said softly. "I've learned all about that throughout the years. Some decisions are just harder to live with."
George nodded in agreement. "Your new family?" he asked as he stared at the people standing by the car.
"So to speak," Jack nodded. "They've sort of adopted me. I can't complain too much, though," he continued as a smile came to his face. "That woman sure can cook."
George gave him a relieved smile and Jack realized that George had come here because he was worried about his old friend. That thought tugged at him and reminded him of his other friends, the ones he had to leave behind. "How are things in the real world?" he asked.
"Everyone is doing just fine," George said knowing exactly what Jack was asking. "They're holding down the fort and keeping this world safe."
"That's good," Jack said. "I miss my old teammates," he said, putting his hand in his pocket and looking away. "Daniel still causing headaches?" he asked.
"Sure is," George replied with a smile. "Same as always."
"Thanks for coming here, sir." Jack said with feeling. "I know it took you away from something important."
"This was important to me, Jack," George said. "I needed to make sure you were doing okay."
"I'll survive. I always do."
"Yes, you do. How is it you always survive? I'm glad you do, just never could figure out how you do it every single time."
"Someone must like me," Jack said, grinning at his friend. His smile disappeared as he thought of those who didn't make it. "Too bad I couldn't share the wealth," he snarled, looking over at Charlie's grave.
George didn't respond, he just put his hand on Jack's shoulder offering friendship and understanding to help ease his pain. Jack nodded at his friend and held out his hand, "I'm glad you came here today," he said. "It means a lot to me."
"I'm glad I came," George said, as he took Jack's hand and shook it.
Jack turned and walked away, leaving his past behind him once again. He headed toward the car where a man stood comforting a weeping woman, a teenage boy sat sideways in the back seat with his feet on the ground and a young girl stood next to the car with her back to him, staring off into space. He knew these people, was loved by them and he wanted to help them as much as they helped him.
He walked up to the car not stopping until he got to Kelly. He grabbed her and picked her up from behind, swung her around and set her back down facing him. The look of surprise on her face turned to a small grin as she saw him, and he pulled her into his arms, hugging her until she squealed that she couldn't breathe. He let her go and was heartened to see her smile, even though the tears were still flowing down her cheeks and he knew right then and there what his new mission was. He was going to help his family get through this, one way or the other.