Wondering

fluorescentpinkfairies

Rated: T
Warnings: Shounen-ai bordering on yaoi. HieixKurama. Yum.
Spoilers: None.
Disclaimer: This authoress owns no part of Yu Yu Hakusho. Unless, of course, she is Togashi's illegitimate daughter and he wishes to bequeath his ownership of it to her.
Dedicated To: Penny, Angel of Darkest Dreams—have I redeemed myself, o lover of SesshoumaruxNaraku fics?

--

I don't believe in love at first sight.

Why should I?

I don't even believe in the concept of love.

And even if I did, I wouldn't tell that to anyone. Love creates a weakness, and one that can be easily used against you, no matter how strong you are. Look at Kurama, for example. That fool. He was one of Makai's strongest, and still he was put under the spell of that woman. Look at how many times he has stuck his own neck out for her just so that she could remain unscathed.

And that is because he has let his weakness become known. It is because he allowed himself to have a weakness in the first place.

All right, so I believe in love. It has to exist for Kurama to make such an undeniably great fool of himself on so many different occasions.

Speaking of Kurama, at this very moment, he is eyeing me wordlessly.

Idiot.

I will admit, I sometimes wonder what he sees. I doubt he sees me as simply his teammate. He probably calls me his friend, or something like that.

Sometimes I wonder why it matters to me what he thinks.

Sometimes I wonder why I just can't forget about him.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to love him.

Sometimes I wonder.

But right now, I am simply staring at him, and he at me. I'm beginning to think that we're fools, just sitting like this in an almost hypnotized state.

And then I lean across the table between us, press my lips to his, and kiss him for a long second before sitting back down.

I struggle to remain calm.

He blinks.

"Hiei…?"

"Hn."

"What was that?"

"That was a kiss, idiot."

He looks at me with exasperated eyes.

"What did the kiss mean?"

I shrug.

He blinks.

Silence.

Dammit. Did I really kiss him? Yes, I suppose I did.

And dammit, I liked it.

Silence still reigns as Kurama tries to puzzle me out. I can imagine all of the wondering questions that pass through his head at every moment. I'm wondering about me, too.

Now that I wonder about it, I realize that I've been longing to do that for a long, long time. I've wondered about tasting his soft lips, caught unaware in a sweet kiss. I've wondered about seeing his emerald eyes shoot open as he realizes what's happening. I've wondered about hearing him gasp for air after depriving him of it for a few seconds.

I've wanted all this and wondered about it from the day I first met him.

Does that mean I believe in love at first sight?

Fuck. I think it does.

I stand up to leave. Dammit, dammit, dammit. Love at first sight? What a stupid, ridiculous idea. And yet I believe in it! Dammit!

"No… wait," he says, reaching out to stop me, his hand closing around my wrist. His emerald eyes are blinking up at me, confused beyond belief.

I hesitate.

Dammit!

I sit back down. Silence is in the air once again.

"Why?"

My head snaps toward him.

"Hn?"

"Why did you do it?"

I hesitate once more, trying to pick out the words that I need, trying to figure out how to say what I mean.

I'm not very good with speaking. Usually I simply kill and that's the end of it. Emotion. I'm not good at that.

But now I wonder: Why wouldn't a shrug just be enough? Why do I feel the need to explain? Why am I putting myself through all this trouble?

"Because… I…"

He watches me closely.

"I'm not happy… just wondering."

He has a sort of 'Oh' look on his face.

Silence reigns supreme once more. Then Kurama gets up, walks around the table, and stands in front of me.

And he bends down and kisses me, long and sweet, until we're both breathless.

"Neither am I," he whispers.

--

Author's Space:

Inspired by Good Charlotte's Wondering on their album The Young and the Hopeless.

Yes, yet another Hiei x Kurama story. Do you think I care?

Why, in all my Hiei stories, does the word 'dammit' keep popping up?

Because in my world, that happens to be his favorite word. Isn't it so coincidental that it's mine, too?

I refuse to end this with 'I love you'. Don't tell me it should be otherwise, because I swear on all of the fluorescent pink fairies that I hallucinate about, I will beat you to a bloody pulp.

Thanks for reading, review, and tell me if you use it in a C2.

—fluorescent

(revamped 7/3/05)