Sunday, October 10th, 1976 12:32 A.M.
Remus is sleeping on the four-poster tucked against the furthest wall in the only room of the Shrieking Shack. His hair falls in his face, and shadows dance across his scar in a way that Sirius can only think to describe as beautiful. Sirius does not want Remus to look beautiful right now, so he drops a brick of chocolate on Remus' head, prompting his mild-tempered counterpart to awake with a groan and cradle the bridge of his nose. Remus mutters a very muffled curse before he sees the brick of dark chocolate where his head lay seconds earlier.
A look of utter lust passes through Remus' eyes, an animal lust reserved for nights when the full moon is shining, and Remus is staring straight at Sirius, who trembles and drops the rucksack full of assorted sweets compliments of Honedukes. The look fades in a heartbeat as Remus designates himself stock clerk. James spills his rucksack full of candies onto the floor, followed by Peter, and Remus writes in dust on the ground as he catalogs each piece of candy.
"Not bad for your first go, really," Remus says quietly. "I do hope you covered your tracks well enough, though, because Honeydukes is bound to miss this load. Especially the chocolate. It's the finest in Scotland."
Sirius notes that Remus looks homicidally possessive of the chocolates and whispers to James and Peter, "For the sake of your limbs, mates, I'd advise not going anywhere near the chocolate until the werewolf has fallen asleep."
Peter gives Sirius a look that tries to be mutinous. He fails miserably and ends up looking resentful; that chocolate is rightfully his. But Remus is stroking one of the bricks absentmindedly as he counts the sweets. He writes a number corresponding next to each: six hundred forty-two lemon drops, one hundred eleven licorice wands, and sixty-six blood-flavored lollipops. James satisfies himself with a sherry flavored cinnamon cigarette in the holey, under-stuffed armchair and takes the Marauder's Map out of his pocket.
"This really is ingenious, Moony. One day you ought to tell us how you did it."
"I suppose today could be that day since you brought me three bricks of chocolate and never, ever plan on eating any of it," he says hopefully.
"If you tell us your secrets, the chocolate is yours to share at your leisure," James promises, much to Peter's dismay. "Oh, don't give us that face, Wormtail. Of course, he's going to share the bloody chocolate with us." Remus does not look so keen with this idea and heaves a sigh of resignation as he hands a brick of chocolate to Peter. "See, he's not selfish like we are."
Sirius smiles and sits right across from Remus. Sirius has always reserved this spot during story time because he figures that he'll somehow hear the story before the others if he is sitting directly across from the storyteller. Remus cracks his knuckles and begins speaking in a voice reserved for recounting grand Greek epics and lesser-revered Shakespearean works.
"The date was the tenth of June, right after O.W.L.S., when I overheard the son of a high-priority Auror talking very furtively to his friends. He described a new technology his dad had discovered while working in the Espionage Detection branch of the Auror headquarters in London. The technology basically routed certain security charms to bits of special parchment so that a person's identity could be determined just by using these security charms alone. Said his dad was very nearly made Minister of Magic for his contribution to our society. Of course, that load was a bit of rubbish, but I knew that if the technology of which he spoke really existed it was my duty to procure a bit of it for our own selfish needs."
James knows right away that Remus is scheming an elaborate lie on the spur of the moment—a symptom of reading too often and adventuring too little—but surprisingly, Sirius is enjoying the story far too much to realize its lack of credibility. Peter's attention is torn between Remus' dramatic monologue and a combination of orange liquor and melted chocolate.
"There was a bit of a twinge in my gut then. I knew that this was finally it, that all these years spent with you lot had finally decayed Good Boy Remus and turned him into a lawbreaker and a thief. I had half a mind to mourn for the other part of me, but I reminded myself just in time that thieves do not mourn their dead. They simply cast them out to sea never to return just like the Vikings did. So, I didn't even bother to say one last goodbye to that boy as I began planning Operation Yo Ho, thusly named due to my affection for that pirate carol sung by those who can only now be described as my kindred spirits."
Sirius scoots closer to Remus, staring at his friend as if he has suddenly become more interesting. James is letting Remus have his fun, hiding his laughter politely in the hem of his jumper. Remus smiles thankfully at him but knows not to expect any help when Sirius finds out that this story is a load of crap and beats Remus to a bloody pulp.
"Suddenly lacking propriety, I did not feel bothered when I invited myself to this Auror's household over holidays. A week later I was within grasp of what I so desperately sought and only had to invent a small fabrication about researching Aurors for a future line of work. The Auror believed me in a heartbeat. The poor chap, he probably thought I was interested in his line of work. I didn't have the heart to tell him the truth—especially since that would have completely ruined my cover and I would have been arrested for espionage, probably beheaded too. So, I was in the Auror headquarters, looking like a studious lad with my notebook and quill in hand. I asked very politely for a cup of coffee."
Peter gasps. Remus is quite thrown off by that. Leave it to Peter to gasp in the entirely wrong part of the story. He waits for the boy to ask him something ridiculous like, "Why didn't you ask for tea, Remus?" Instead he puts his hand over his mouth and scoots beside Sirius. James looks as if he wants to throw a large stone at the back of Peter's head. Remus feels rather close to James in that moment. They are finally sharing something after six years of being mere acquaintances. He smiles and continues.
"I should have known that it wouldn't be that simple. This being my first infraction of the law, however, I made the mistake of being overconfident. The Auror returned just as my hand was on a folder classified marked "IMPORTANT", and it was obvious that I had to either run away from this man and succeed in my mission but become an international fugitive, or play the part of the innocent prat who was much too curious for his own good. Well, I know what the Good Boy would have done, but as I've told you, he was quite dead by then.
"Well, I ran my little heart out, knowing full well that I had endangered my family by this, but all I had to say about that was 'Constant vigilance.' By then I was out of the front door and well on my way home on a stolen broom. I figured that I could lose them in the storm clouds hovering just over London. Unfortunately, my task was not that easy. The Auror and his mates were on me pretty quickly. I ducked, they ducked. I swerved, they swerved. Now, Good Remus was not very good at flying, but this new and improved version is something of a force to be reckoned with. He was an absolute maniac on the broom. I must have been right over London when one of them shot at me with a jinx. I fell off of my broom into a trashbin and thought about my life good and hard. This criminal part of me was exciting, but all the things that I had sacrificed for this mission suddenly felt more important than a bit of excitement. After I recovered, I ran, but they cornered me in a small alleyway near the Leaky Cauldron. I told them that they could send me to Azkaban; I'd take it like a man. Instead, the Auror put his hands in his pocket, pulled out his wand and pointed it at me, and said…"
Remus' voice drops very low at this part so that Sirius has to lean in until their heads nearly touch, "'Son, I hate to break it to you, but you've just stolen the recipe for my wife's lemon meringue. She was counting on me making it for our anniversary tonight, if you don't mind.'"
A tense silence fills the room. Then James is finally able to laugh as long and loudly as he likes. Peter cackles and claps Sirius on the back as if denying that he too was so enthralled in Remus' story that he could scarcely breathe. Sirius looks as if he is about to punch Remus' ugly nose until it is no longer a nose and just plain ugly.
Sirius throws his head back so hard that he falls backward and hits the floor, and then he laughs a genuine, overwhelming laugh that makes Remus forget every time he's ever been jealous of the bond between James and Sirius. He laughs so hard that his lungs expand and do not deflate for a very long while. The laughter subsides only after Sirius has thoroughly frightened everyone in the room because they think he hasn't taken a breath in ten whole minutes. Remus believes that he will always remember how Sirius looks in that moment—his throat exposed, his head tipped back, and his legs in the air, bent at the knees. Sirius, he thinks, is what happiness would look like if it had a vessel in which to travel.
Sirius commands Peter to feed him chocolate. James, unsatisfied by the story, asks once more how Remus managed the map.
Remus shrugs. "I transferred all of your drawings onto a bit of spare parchment in some Portraire Potion. Then I cast security charms in all of the hallways, so that the map could identify who was walking through them."
"I liked your other story better, as ridiculous as it sounded," Peter says. James looks disappointed, just as Remus had expected, but Sirius winks at him from his place on the floor.
After Remus has eaten what seems like his weight in chocolate, he pushes all the bricks, including the one on the bed, into the center of the room where the rest of their treasure is piled. Gluttonous as he's been, Remus has to crawl over to the four-poster and pull himself up by the sleeping bag he's put over all the dusty bedclothes.
He's not feeling tired in the least, but he closes his eyes anyway. He is not surprised when he feels the bed sag underneath someone else's weight. He first thinks it is Peter, who is properly buzzed but still not drunk. But this person who now lies next to him smells of wet dog and generic soap, a smell that is likely only attractive to other boys because it is, in essence, what True Boys smell like. Sirius has never been one to wear cologne, much because conventional dating tactics such as dressing up and wearing cologne only ruin the charm that Sirius Black possesses.
Remus smiles as though he has made a funny joke that does not quite warrant laughter. Sirius reaches out and touches his lip gently.
"You've got chocolate all over your mouth," he explains in a dreamy voice.
"Well, that makes perfect sense since I've just eaten plenty of chocolate."
"Don't be wise with me, Remus. You're lucky that I am not stumbling over myself to punch your hideous nose into your head."
"Are you this sweet with all the boys?"
"Only with the ones I love. James over there knows just how sweet I can be. Why, just the other day I complimented his arse." Sirius voice drops very low, conspiratorial even, as he says to Remus, "I don't have the heart to tell him that Evans doesn't like a man with a taut arse as much as she likes a man with a prefect's badge. When she does profess her undying love to you, mind you don't gloat about it. In fact, don't talk about it at all. Disappear with the girl and save yourself the beheading. I would have to help poor James because what an awful thing to do, Moony! Going after your best mate's love."
"Lily only talks to me to discuss wrong-doing and good books. She's a bit of a voracious reader, you know? The cleverest witch of her age, anyway. I think she wants to kiss me as often as she wants to kiss James, which is to say—"
"—that she absolutely never wants to kiss you. In fact, not only does she never think of kissing you but she never thinks of you at all. She thinks of dung beetles more than she thinks of you. Sorry to hear it, bloke. The lot of you would have made beautiful, red haired, ugly-faced werewolf babies."
"I'm not too heartbroken. I don't fancy redheads half as much as I made her believe. In fact, I think I fancy that delightful Indian girl in Ravenclaw." Remus still has his eyes closed, but he feels Sirius tense beside him. "Of course, she's dating Kingsley Shacklebolt and thinks that I have an ugly face and therefore do not deserve her attention."
"Well, Kingsley Shacklebolt isn't the kind of person you'd trip over if you're so worried about aesthetics, really."
"He's a nice bloke, very gung ho and all that. He's even a perfect gentleman."
"Are you sure it's the Indian girl you fancy?"
Remus yawns without answering and curls up with his arms tucked between his legs and chest.
"Moony, you can't fall asleep here. We have to make a mighty journey back to the castle." Remus grumbles around his three middle fingers, which he has the unattractive habit of sucking on just before he falls to sleep. Remus feels the weight shift on the bed once again as Sirius turns into a great black dog and shakes himself out luxuriously.
Padfoot nudges him in the shoulder with his face, breathing hotly on Remus' neck. Remus grumbles again when Sirius persists, and finally, Remus bites Padfoot affectionately on the nose. "Bugger the hell off, you wet-nosed mutt because I want to fall asleep right here and the only thing you can do to stop me is to carry me to the castle yourself."
Padfoot yips playfully and puts a paw to Remus' chest, scratching him affectionately. When Remus still does not move Padfoot nudges him playfully. Remus then falls off of the bed and onto the floor with a thud.
James and Peter have already climbed through the exit before Remus hauls himself onto all fours. He moves slowly, nearly toppling sideways, and Padfoot is biting playfully at Remus' arse to move him along. Finally, fed up Padfoot wriggles himself in between Remus and the floor, stands up, and burdens himself with the one hundred forty pound task of carrying his friend to their dormitory. Remus wraps his arms around Sirius' body and holds on very loosely.
The journey up the stairs is one that Sirius is sure to feel in the morning. Remus does not help at all. He did warn Sirius properly, after all; he does not feel guilty that Sirius failed to take him at his word.
Remus doesn't bother to undress before climbing into bed, and Padfoot doesn't bother to change back into a boy before he curls up next to Remus. Padfoot's snuffs his wet nose in Remus' neck, and Remus shakes his head. "I suppose you think that I owe you a good belly rub after all that, then?" Padfoot breaks into a wild grin and chews briefly on Remus' wrist to indicate which answer he prefers.
Remus puts his hand to Padfoot's stomach and rubs lazy circles into the soft fur of the dog's underbelly until he falls to sleep. Padfoot, looking pleased, lulls into his own private dream world where, completely without shame, he chases rabbits and squirrels and Slytherin around the countryside. The best thing about his dog-dreams is that his father and mother are nowhere to be seen.