It doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith.

-Dogma

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A phone call in the middle of the night shook all of them to the core. Alex had called, and told them they had rushed Sandy to surgery again. There had been a bullet fragment that they somehow had missed and had been causing internal bleeding for the past week. That had put pressure on his lungs and pressure on his heart. The leak had been so slow that everyone had missed it until he came close to coding again.

Alex told them they might want to get here as soon as possible.

Seth looked at the floor as he waited for his mother to finish throwing on some clothes. She didn't need to give details the worry in her voice said it all. Besides what doctor called at close to two-thirty in the morning unless they didn't think the patient wasn't going to make it. Seth watched ER enough to know. He wiped a stray tear away irately.

His father was going to die.

"You're going to miss me when I'm gone," his father once said. Seth's reply had been a simple "Oh yeah? When you leaving?" He would give anything to take that back right now.

Seth was petulantly quiet the whole ride there.

'You would think Sandy was already dead,' Ryan reflected out the window. Again flashes of a funeral glimpsed through his mind and pierced his heart. He ran a hand through his hair he had bed head it stuck up everywhere. In fact, they all weren't looking that great. She managed to grab his Berkeley sweatshirt, and some sweatpants, her hair tossed back into a ponytail that was slowly falling out. Seth managed to throw on sweatpants but his hair looked like a cat that got lost in a dryer. Ryan just wore what he slept in: Sweats and a tank top.

He smirked at Seth's hair before he sighed. "Dammit," he muttered softly watching as Kirsten's eyes met his through the rearview mirror. She held his stare for a few moments before turning her eyes back on the road. Kirsten had turned on the radio to confront the silence, she hit the scan button and it flickered to a country station and Reba McEntire's soft voice rang out "But what do you say, in a moment like this? When you can't find the words to tell it like it is . . .." Seth reached quickly and changed the station but that didn't stop everyone from hearing it. 'Yeah. What do you say in a moment like this? What do you say when your husband is dying?' "Hey honey, thanks for the memories I'll always remember you?" She sighed. They were here. For a moment she felt like her legs were made of cement and stuck to the pavement, and for an instant she couldn't breath.

She swallowed, "Lets go."

The doctor met them at the elevator on the first floor. Both Seth and Ryan stood behind her as the doctor rambled off terms and that meant nothing to them.

"Mrs. Cohen...err Kirsten?" He sighed.

He hated doing this. He hated watching their reactions. Some people fainted. Some yelled and screamed. Others just secluded into the room, did what they came to do, shook his hand and walked out. The ones he hated the most were the kind who just stared back at him. As if to say, "Hey, thanks for nothing."

He wondered what they were going to be like, 'Round 324. Ding, Ding, fight!'

"If I was you, I would . . .. I might want to take these few moments and say goodbye. I thought he was going to make a fine recovery but this new development. I'm sorry Kirsten, Ryan, and Seth. I'm so sorry. All we can do is wait, and pray. And hope..."

Yeah. Hope. Hope for a fucking miracle.

Seth looked at the floor. Kirsten looked at Ryan. Ryan looked at the plastic chairs. He looked at the doctor. He walked over to the chair and grabbed it before throwing it, watching as it collided with the other chairs, causing them all to jump.

"THIS IS BULLSHIT! YOU'RE A DOCTOR. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAVE PEOPLE, AND YOU'RE TELLING ME, US, YOUR TELLING US, THAT YOU DON'T KNOW WHICH WAY IT'S GOING TO GO? A FEW DAYS AGO HE WAS FINE, AND NOW HE'S DYING? WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR ARE YOU? YOU SHOULD HAVE WATCHED HIM.... You should have watched him and he.... he... He wouldn't be in this mess," his voice cracked. He ran his hands through his hair and paced while Seth and Kirsten looked wide-eyed at him.

"WE SHOULDN'T BE HERE RIGHT NOW. NONE OF US SHOULD HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE! THIS IS BULLSHIT!" He swatted angrily at another chair but missed, and finally he just collapsed into one.

Security had heard the crash and commotion and they came running full force but the doctor waived them off. They stood on edge and watched warily.

Ryan looked up to Alex and pointed a finger to him. "I hope you know if he dies this is all your fault, if we lose him, this is your fault," he had tears in his eyes.

Danger Will Robinson, Danger!

Kirsten walked up to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders and he leaned into her touch. Eventually Seth sat down beside him, awed at his display, and numb at what he would be doing. Someone was going to have to go. Ryan must have read his mind.

Sighing softly Ryan looked at her. "I'll go first."

He retreated into Sandy's room, casting a dark glance back to the family and watched Seth put his arm around his mother as they sat down in the chairs that he had thrown earlier.

He looked at Sandy, this time there were tubes and this time he didn't look like he was sleeping.

He looked like he was dying.

"Hey Sandy," he whispered as he sat down. "I didn't think I would ever have to say this. God, this sucks. I don't know if you could do worse. I just threw a chair, I hope you're not to mad," He smiled at quickly before his face dipped down to a frown.

"Guess what Sandy, I'm not saying goodbye. Because I know you can beat this. We need you. I need you. If it wasn't for you I don't know where I would be. Besides I'm not ready to be head of this family. I can do it right now till you get back from vacation," he smiled again. "Come back to us Sandy, and if you don't mind, hurry the hell up, I'm running out of chairs," he patted his hand and got up wiping away his tears and opened the door.

Seth went in after Ryan, leaving Kirsten to fidget with her wedding bands.

"Hey there pops," he whispered sitting down next to pale form. "Well, the good news is mom hasn't touched the liquor but I fear tonight she may just give in. Although I think Ryan has headed her off once or twice I'm not sure. Ryan threw some chairs, it made me realize how REAL, this is, how crazy it is. Moment of truth eh? The truth is dad; I don't want you to go away. Please don't leave me. Please? I'm sorry for what I said before..." That was all he could muster, his words were choked and the tears, he couldn't even think coherently. Composing himself before he left the room more so for his mother's sake than anyone else's, he sat defeated beside Ryan.

Kirsten took a deep breath and ruffled the boys' hair. Neither one of them met her eyes. Looking at the floor was a safe bet they could hold it together a little longer, at least until they could retreat to the safety of their home.

She walked in and sat down on the edge of his bed. Sandy looked like a little kid. His hair flopped down in his face and she reached over and brushed it from his brow. She reached down to his unshaven face and ran her hand along his stubble, listening to the rasp against her hand. She leaned over and kissed his forehead, not believing that the end might be near. Seventeen years and this was how they parted, in the middle of a life, with two boys to raise and years to live. "I love you Sandy. I don't need to mention how badly I need you," she sighed unevenly taking his hand in both of hers, marveling at how well they fit together. "Please don't leave me Sandy," her voice trailed off and she knew she could say no more. It just wasn't right, because he wasn't going to die. There was no way.

She said it herself once, "Denial is a very effective coping mechanism."

"I love you baby, and I can't wait for you to come home. I need you to come home. " She took one last look at him, smiling to herself in encouragement, before walking out to see her boys. She wiped at the stray tear before gathering the boys and heading home.

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The drive home was just as silent as the ride to the hospital; the only thing changing happened to be the sun was rising.

Seth hastily went up to his room; he must have called Summer because she streamed through the kitchen, sorrow written on her face.

She paused looking at Kirsten rummaging furiously through the cupboard for a shot glass. She didn't say anything when Kirsten looked at her but she walked over and gave her a hug. She pulled back biting her lip and went to walk away before turning to face her. "If you need anything... something... someone to talk to. I know I'm young, but ..." Summer looked at her.

"Thanks sweetie."

She finally found the glass and managed two shots before Ryan walked into the kitchen. He laid a firm hand on her wrist, stopping the third shot.

"Kirsten. Please don't. I know how you can get."

She looked at him blankly.

"I'm not...I'm not him..." he trailed off looking at her.

'No, you're not. But you're right.'

She had to keep it together for the boys, until he came back.

And for him, how would it look if Ryan started telling him a story and she just barged in, "Well honey, I just couldn't do it so I liquored myself up till I passed out for a few days! Awesome parenting skills, don't you think?"

She thought back to a memory about Sandy begging a promise from her and began telling Ryan the story.

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They were in college when Sandy first had the pleasure of meeting Kirsten's mother. Her good looks and charm she obviously got from her, the attitude and decisiveness from her father. Katherine Nichol liked Sandy the moment the met. She liked how he talked, she liked his looks, but most of all she loved how he treated her daughter, how he looked at her.

Later down the road, when the cancer had bed-ridden her, she and Sandy had enjoyed nice talks and he even nicknamed her Katy. He told Kirsten about their little chats.

And when it had come down to say goodbye, Katy personally asked for him.

When Caleb normally challenged Sandy she intervened and kept the peace. She watched silently as Kirsten exchanged concerned looks with him, and he would smile at her. And after Caleb had left the room, Sandy would lean up and kiss her forehead, or whisper something in her ear, which would make her relax or smile. Either effort normally made it so that she turned around and kissed him on the lips.

She was happy.

Katy loved watching the two of them, and it saddened her that she wouldn't get to do it enough.

"Sandy. Promise me now you'll make sure she's okay. Take good care of my baby-girl. Promise me, and tell her to lay off the sauce a little, eh kid? I swear that will be the end of her. You're a good man Sandy, my Kirsten's fortunate to have found someone like you."

He smiled at her, and held her hand. "No, I'm the lucky one to have found her Katy," he drifted off on a little ramble. "I love her. I love her so much, and I'll do anything to protect her. I can promise you that."

"I know, Sandy. She's told me so, time and time again. I'm thankful that you came into her life everyday, I can relax a little knowing my little girl is in such good hands." she closed her eyes briefly.

He smiled weakly at her, tears running down his cheeks, "I'm also lucky to have met you. At least I know where she gets most of her attitude and soft sides. And good looks!"

Kathy managed to smile weakly, "Don't change Sandy. Such a sweetheart you are."

"I'll try my hardest not to."

"If it's not too much to ask, can you keep an eye on Hailey for me?" She closed her eyes again and her breath caught in her throat.

He nodded, "I'll do my best there, too."

"Have a good trip Katy," he whispered affectionately as he cracked a small smile and kissed her gently on the forehead, turning as the door opened and Caleb, Kirsten, and Hailey walked in to be with her in her final moments.

He walked over to her, kissed her on the temple gently, and told her he would be waiting outside.

He sat in the hard plastic chair, placing his hands on his knees, his head between them, dark hair flopping into his face, the universal stature of someone who is grieving. He wiped away the stray tears that were running down his cheeks.

It didn't take very long and he stood up slowly, running a hand through his hair. He took in her crestfallen features, before folding her into his loving embrace, the look on her face melting his heart, the intense sobs tugged against his body, and he found himself supporting her weight. "God baby, I'm so sorry," he whispered and he held her tighter against him. Her tears drenched his shirt, and he cried with her.

When they arrived home that night, the house felt empty even though Katy hadn't been there in months.

Death was just so permanent ending. It felt like she was still coming back.

He went to change his clothes and when he came back she had found the vodka. So he watched as she did shot after shot, through the tears. He watched as she tore herself apart because they both knew he would put her back together again. Most times he stopped her when he knew she had enough. This time though, she needed it and he let her.

He was there. She would be fine.

When she had her fill he watched the flushness retreat from her cheeks and her color paled. He grabbed her hand and pulled her into the bathroom, and sat her down. He went out and grabbed a blanket, a glass of water, and some mouth rinse.

Then he waited.

She lifted the lid of the toilet and starting heaving, her whole body shuddering. One hand wrapped gently around her stomach, the other held back her hair. His body supported hers. He whispered softly to her, encouraging her 'to get it all out', and that he was here.

When she finally finished he gave her the water and mouth rinse, which she gratefully accepted.

"I'm sorry Sandy," her voice is shaking and she looked ashamed. She hated when she did this to herself.

He reaches a hand out and caresses her cheek; looking into the soulful dark blue eyes, "Don't be sorry honey, its okay. Promise me something however."

She looked at him with tears in her eyes, "Okay?"

She trembled.

"Promise me, that no matter what the circumstance, when you decide to hit the bottle, you make sure I'm there with you."

She gave him a halfway smile and nodded her head in agreement. "Okay. I promise."

Having Sandy there was soothing, well as soothing as it could be throwing up. But he would take care of her, that much she knew. He was her lifesaver, her savior, and her safety net.

"Good girl," he whispered as he pulled her against him, pressing his lips to her brow he covered them with the blanket he brought in, "I love you honey. I love you so much. Never forget that."

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She smiled at Ryan, "You're right. This is his job. And I'll be damned if thinks he's going to miss out on it when he comes back."

He smiled lightly at her as they walked shoulder to shoulder to the living room, sitting at opposite ends of the couch, taking silent comfort in each other, and waited.

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