Written: June 27, 2004

Setting: Post-episode, "A Knight to Remember"

Lollipop

Around three in the morning I decided trying to sleep was a futile task. It was my first night in the manor, my first night in a strange new house with strange new sisters. My first night in this room. It felt bizarre to know the last resident in this room had been the sister I never knew, but, I was beginning to realize, I would be expected to replace. And from what I'd heard about Prue, it was going to be difficult to fill her shoes.

I climbed out of bed, now resigned to the fact that I desperately needed a lollipop. They calmed my nerves, a replacement for the alcohol I used to consume a little too greedily. It probably wasn't the best new habit, especially considering the cavities the dentist had discovered at my last checkup. But I was trying my best to wean myself from them; it was only a matter of time. And restraint.

I found my way down the stairs without much trouble and eagerly made my way to the kitchen. To my surprise, though, there was already a light on. I bit my lower lip. Going on a lollipop excursion now would mean facing whoever was in the kitchen. Phoebe wouldn't be bad, she'd been pretty sympathetic so far and had offered to lend an ear if I ever wanted to talk. The same went for Leo, who seemed to be cut out for reading a person's mood. Hell, I wouldn't even mind if it was Cole, who I didn't think would be up for any conversation. Which was absolutely fine by me. I shut my eyes guiltily. That left Piper. The one person I didn't want to face in the middle of the night during a sucker craving. You shouldn't feel that way about your sister, I chastised myself. But I couldn't help it. I still didn't think Piper wanted me around for any sort of sisterly reasons.

I opened my eyes and sighed softly. A one in four chance. I'd risk it. Bravely, I walked into the kitchen and immediately saw Piper sitting at the table, looking through a photo album. Damn.

"Hey," I said.

Piper gasped and brought a hand up to her heart. "Paige," she said. "You scared me half to death."

"Sorry," I said with a shrug. I opened one of the cupboards and pulled out my bag of lollipops. I dug into the bag eagerly, already anticipating the sugar, and pulled out a grape flavored one; my absolute favorite. By the time I had the wrapper undone and the sucker in my mouth, though, an awkward silence had fallen between Piper and I. I stood for a few minutes, twirling the lollipop in my mouth, the entire time itching to retreat. Now that I had what I came for there was no need to prolong this. But I wasn't going to get my wish.

"So," Piper finally said, clearly trying to sound conversational, "why are you up so late?"

Why didn't I leave when I had the chance? Now instead of awkward silence there would be awkward conversation. Get out of this as fast as possible, I told myself. To Piper I said, "I couldn't sleep. I needed something to tie me over until morning."

Piper nodded slowly. "You're going to get cavities you know."

I shrugged again and ran the sucker over my teeth. "So why are you up?"

She gestured to the photo album with her head. "Just...reminiscing," she said.

I gave her a tight smile, feeling even more uncomfortable now that I knew I was intruding. "Sorry for interrupting," I said. "I'll just go back upstairs." I was making a beeline for the door when I heard Piper speak again.

"No, wait."

I turned curiously to look at my older sister. Her eyes were downcast at the album.

"Yeah?"

Piper was silent for a moment before she finally answered. "Why don't you stay awhile? I could use the company. You know, if you don't mind."

I took the sucker out of my mouth and licked my lips. "Sure," I said. "Why not."

I slipped over to the table and sat down in the chair next to Piper. She set the album down on the table between both of us and smiled down at it.

"So...what are we looking at?" I asked.

"Family albums," she said vaguely. She pointed at a picture of our mom and two little girls. "That's Prue, Mom, and me," she explained. "And Phoebe if you want to get technical. Mom was pregnant with her when we took it."

"How old were you?"

"Two. Prue was four." Piper smiled. "Phoebe took this picture."

I raised an eyebrow. "Phoebe? Um...I thought she was in the womb. Or does she have a power you guys forgot to mention?"

"We traveled back in time to 1975," Piper said without flinching. "There was this big mess with a warlock named Nicholas. Phoebe took the picture while we were there."

"Do we do this time travel thing a lot then?" I asked.

Piper chuckled softly. "Oh, only once a year or so."

Sheesh. "Cool."

Piper flipped through a few pages of the photo album before finally stopping, pressing a finger on a picture of a baby in a high chair, covered in cake.

"Phoebe?" I asked.

Piper nodded her head. "Yep. First birthday." She gave a little sigh. "Her twenty-sixth is next week."

"What? When?"

"The second. I'll have to go birthday shopping sometime this week. With everything that's been going on, I almost forgot."

We lapsed into a silence then, Piper looking across the kitchen, clearly lost in thought. Idly I began to flip through the pages of the album. Almost all of the pictures were variations on the same theme: my three sisters. Visiting Santa, playing with dolls, dressing up in silly costumes, birthday celebrations. Occasionally an adult would appear in the pictures too. When I got to the last page I drew a shaky breath and shut the album. I felt incredibly guilty. Part of me, a rather large part, had been wondering what my life would have been like if I had been in the pictures too. Four little girls instead of three. And I felt terrible. I loved my parents. They gave me a wonderful life. How could I possibly be contemplating an alternate childhood?

"Phoebe said my birth parents had to give me up because of that Whitelighter witch rule."

Piper turned to me, startled. I didn't blame her. I was startled too. Where had that come from?

"Yeah," Piper agreed. "That rule sucks."

I nodded and bit off a piece of my lollipop, chewing nervously. I decided to just say what I was thinking. "The thing is," I continued, "you and Leo broke that rule, right? And you fought really hard to get where you are. And I guess I'm just wondering...why...um..."

"Why Mom and your dad didn't try to fight against that rule?"

I swallowed hard. "Yeah."

Piper was quiet for a moment. "I can't really answer that Paige," she finally said. "But I do know they loved you very, very much. Just like they loved each other. And they did what they thought was best."

I looked down at the closed album and pulled the lollipop out of my mouth, setting my hand in my lap. It wasn't much of an answer, but that wasn't Piper's fault.

"You know," said Piper, "I've been wondering too, what it would have been like if you grown up with us. If you had been in all those pictures. But," she took a deep breath, "if you hadn't been raised with your adoptive parents, you probably wouldn't be the same person you are now. Not entirely, at least. And I'm kind of attached to you the way you are."

That got me to smile. "I'm kind of attached to me too."

Piper nodded slightly. "I do wish we'd met you before Prue died though."

I snapped my head up and looked straight at Piper. I hadn't expected that comment. Not at all.

"I wish that more than anything," I said.

Piper furrowed her brow, studying me. "Paige," she said, "I hope you know that we want you here as more than just a Charmed One. You're our sister."

"Yeah." I sounded sullen, even to myself. It sure doesn't seem that way to me, Piper, my mind said bitterly.

"And...I hope you know, we don't expect you to replace Prue."

"What?"

The melancholy mood that had overtaken me during this unexpected conversation bolted away, leaving me feeling shocked and a little hurt. And angry. They didn't expect me to replace Prue? Yeah right. More like they thought I couldn't replace Prue. I should have known I could never live up to Prue in Piper's eyes.

"What the hell does that mean?" I repeated before Piper could answer.

"Paige," said Piper. She sounded frustrated. "Paige, it didn't mean anything. I just thought you should know we don't want you to try to replace Prue. We're not going to compare you to her."

"Who said you were?" I snapped. Okay, it was a little unfair, considering that was how I had been feeling since I found out these women were my sisters, but still.

"Don't tell me you haven't been feeling some sort of pressure to fill Prue's shoes," Piper said. "I can tell you have. Phoebe can too."

"Of course I have!" I said, completely contradicting myself. "Prue was perfect. She was the third sister in the Power of Three. And now that's me. So I have to be just as good as she was, if not better."

"Paige!" said Piper incredulously.

I stuck the lollipop back in my mouth and crossed my arms and legs defensively.

"Paige, that's ridiculous. You're not Prue. You're never going to be Prue."

"Rub it in."

Piper sighed. "Prue wasn't perfect either, you know. No one is."

"That's not how I've heard it."

Piper flinched.

Damn, I thought, maybe that was a little too far. Of course all I was going to hear were good things about Prue. She had just died. I shut my eyes. You're an idiot Paige. An insensitive idiot.

"Piper..." I began.

"No," she interrupted. "I...I know you've only heard how amazing Prue was. And I know that probably paints a pretty grand picture of her. But I guess it just seems wrong to say anything negative about her."

"Yeah, Piper. I understand."

"This needs to come out sometime though," she continued as though I hadn't spoken. "And now is as good a time as any."

I waited for her to go on, but she didn't. Finally I asked, "For what?"

"For you to ask questions. Go ahead. Ask me anything. I'll be honest, I promise."

My eyes widened and I stared at Piper, who continued to stare straight ahead. My mind immediately filled with questions. Was Prue ever irresponsible? Did she ever use magic for personal gain? Did she ever bug the heck out of you?

Do you regret me coming into your life?

I licked my lips nervously and opened my mouth to ask one of the questions zipping through my mind. But then, instead, I said, "Will you tell me a story about when you were younger?"

Piper's eyes widened. Clearly she had not been expecting that. She raised her left hand and scratched her earlobe, her brow twisted in thought. "Yeah," she said. "I'll tell you a story."

Eagerly, I pulled my legs up on the chair, sitting Indian style and facing Piper. I felt calmer again, and a bit excited. In the two months or so I'd known Piper, she'd never really told me any stories. Almost everything I knew had come from Phoebe.

"I don't know if Phoebe told you or not," Piper began, "but she and I were four years apart in school. I was the class of 1990, she was '94."

"But I didn't think there was that large an age difference."

"There's not," Piper agreed. "A little less than three years, actually. But I started school when I was four going on five. So did Prue. That's how Mom wanted it. Grams disagreed though, and so did Dad. It was probably the only thing those two ever reached common ground about." Piper paused for a moment, smiling as though she had just realized this. "Anyway," she continued, "Mom died before Phoebe started school, so the decision was left up to Grams, and she decided to wait until Phoebe was five. Probably not the wisest decision she ever made, but I guess it doesn't matter now. In any case, because of that Prue, Pheebs, and I were only in the same school together for one year."

I smiled inwardly. Piper was apparently going to go into detail with this story, which was exactly what I wanted. Attentively, I rested my elbows on my calves and put my chin in my hands.

Piper continued: "So at the end of every year there was this talent show. You know, one of those ones where the most ridiculous things are talents. Like...um..."

"Like when a couple kids get up and pretend to have a sword fight while cheesy music is playing in the background," I supplied.

Piper raised an eyebrow. "Yeah," she said. "Exactly like that. Well that year Grams got it in her head that the three of us should be in the show together, since it was the only year we'd ever be able to. It was a disaster from the minute she suggested it."

"Why?"

"I didn't want to do it!" Piper said with a bit more aggression than I would have expected. "I was quiet and a little awkward and terrified of performing in front of people. And Prue loved the spotlight. She did the show every year, and she didn't want to share the limelight with her little sisters during her last show."

"And Phoebe?"

"Phoebe didn't want to do it either. She had been taking tap dancing lessons for a couple of months and she wanted to go it alone. She was like a six-year-old diva."

I laughed. Somehow that struck me as the perfect characterization of Phoebe. It was the idea of Piper being timid that was harder to picture.

"So what did you guys do?"

"Well, Prue wanted to play the piano and Phoebe wanted to dance, but Grams wanted the three of us to sing together. So after a lot of fighting, Grams finally agreed that Prue could play and Phoebe could dance and I would do the singing."

I winced. I knew how bad it could be singing in front of an audience, and I wasn't even shy when I was younger.

Piper stood and walked to the refrigerator, pulling out a carton of orange juice. "You want some?" she asked. I made a face and waved my lollipop in her direction. She smiled and poured some juice for herself, taking a sip before returning to her chair and continuing.

"I was really upset about the arrangement though. I guess I wasn't a horrible singer for a nine-year-old, but it was probably the last thing in the world I'd ever want to do. So I kept trying to get out of rehearsals, unsuccessfully."

"What did you sing?"

"'My Favorite Things' from The Sound of Music."

Bleck.

"So Grams made us these matching sequin leotard costume things and made sure we practiced. She was so excited. And then came the big night. The three of us were backstage, waiting to go on. We were right after Freddie Hogan's one man comedy act. But while the principal was on stage, announcing us, I had a panic attack and took off running."

"Wow," I said, more amazed at our similar aversion to singing in public than the fact that she ran off.

"I know," said Piper. "And it would have been so much easier if I could freeze time then." She smiled. "Anyway, it was too late for Prue and Phoebe to back out, so they had to go it alone."

"Where'd you run to?"

"I went around through the school and stood at the back of the auditorium so I could watch. Phoebe completely stole the show. I mean, Prue was up there playing, but then there's six-year-old Pheebs, front and center, singing and dancing her heart out. The crowd loved it. But Prue was so angry; at me for ditching them and at Phoebe taking over the act. And Grams gave me a big lecture on the importance of sticking with my commitments, but it was worth it. If I had gone on stage I would have just stood there."

She opened the album again and began flipping through the pages, finally stopping somewhere near the end. "Here," she said, pointing. "That's the night."

The picture was a little blurry because of the lights on the stage, but I could make out two figures in red leotards. Above that picture was another of Prue, Piper, and Phoebe, standing in the living room in their costumes. Phoebe was in the center, grinning at the camera, with Prue smiling demurely on her right, and Piper scowling on her left.

"Did you ever do the show again?" I asked.

"No," said Piper. "Phoebe did it until fifth grade though, and then she and her friends decided it wasn't cool."

I bit off the last bit of my lollipop as Piper and I lapsed into silence again. This time though, it wasn't awkward. After a few minutes, I stood and tossed the stick in the trash. "I think I'm going to head to bed," I told Piper. "I should go to work tomorrow."

"Yeah," said Piper, picking up the album and standing. "I should probably go up too."

We walked up the stairs companionably and went to our respective rooms after exchanging whispered goodnights. I still wasn't extremely tired, but my conversation with Piper had cleared my mind a little of the whirl of thoughts that had been preventing sleep earlier. After a few minutes, I must have finally drifted off.

The next morning I woke up late, having pressed the snooze button on my alarm a few too many times. I ran around trying to get dressed and gather my stuff for work so I could be out the door as soon as possible, but when I went to grab my lipstick I was distracted by a bundle of envelopes on my vanity. On top was a little note I picked up slowly, holding it closer to read the small script. It read:

Paige, I thought you might like to have a look at these. We found them a couple of years ago, and I've been holding on to them. But since they're between Mom and your dad, I thought you might like to have them. Piper.

I set down the note and picked up the top envelope, opening it and taking out a letter from my mom to my dad. A love letter.

And for a moment the world slowed down a little, as I sat and read, suddenly not caring that I would be late for work.