If Only I Could Dream
A/N: Alright, so that was the first chapter. Yes, I am still tired. In fact, though it's only 7:30 pm, I had less than four hours of sleep last night. At least, it's not severe insomnia. I'd totally snap. Anyhow, I hope you got the gist of chapter one, because I have no idea what I'm doing with chapter two. And yeah, I know that I may have stuck in some references to the comic, maybe more than most people would've liked, but oh well. I personally like the thought of Shmee getting mutilated at the hands of Johnny once more. Heh heh eh. And Johnny and all related character are not mine, but are the creations of Jhonen Vasquez's twisted little mind. The only thing that belongs to me is one shameful character used only because I needed someone to stick in here. He won't be in here again, I hope. Also, this chapter makes no sense, but I do have a warped sense of where this is going. Yesssssss.there is a method to my madnessssss. And please understand my typing skills are less than perfect. So 'from' may come out as 'form' I apologize for the inconvenience. And also forgive any ¼ things you find in here. They stand for '.' The computer is so fucked up. Enjoy.
Chapter 2: Monsters
If you kill me, you'll get caught!
I admit I was an asshole. I'm sorry for everything!
Isn't that, like, the number for heaven, or something?
A heaven for me, and a hell for you.
I was only playing.
Please.
Oh, God!! My mascara's running!
Nny? Nny, what are you doing?
Did you hear that? Pussies don't smoke.
You were supposed to teach me!.I'm just like you!
Are you moving away?
So, are you gonna chop me up and put me in the garbage now?.
Please don't chop me up.
The words played over and over throughout Johnny's mind, echoing despite the fact his mind was certainly not empty. He didn't know where this was coming from, only that was there, and that as it played, he could see hundreds upon hundreds of his own disgusting murders moving like a recorded dream. This thing was like a song, a song he never knew he had known, like a memory he couldn't quite grasp.
He could see the Doughboys and their own 'demise' at the hands of their master. He could see Nailbunny, and Edgar Vargas, and the convenient store man who had dared turn off the brainfreezy machine, and thus had to endure a most unpleasant bullet through his head in one of Nny's suicidal moments; and the electrocuted cheerleading squad, and all those fools at the café. He could see them all, almost every person he's ever killed and even those he hadn't; only knew. He could even see himself.
That skinny foolish.thing. He still refused, even in this.dream, or whatever it was, to believe that he was anything less than the cold form he had become. He wasn't human. But that bloody creature on the floor was. The one who had himself. He was there, lying before Johnny, and he turned his head, pouring blood, that sunken eye looking horribly grotesque.
He stared at Johnny, and grinned. Despite the wound, he was actually grinning and chuckling, although Nny's chuckle was more of a giggle, one of those insane giggles one thinks of when a mad scientist or a schoolgirl is mentioned. And that was how this giggle was.
"Johnny," it commented humorously. Then its smile slowly faded. "You killed me, Johnny."
Johnny looked around, confused. He's never really talked to himself like this. Face to face. He didn't know if that was even him. He.it, seemed a little out of place. He didn't think he could smile like that. Hm, he'd have to try it sometime, if this creature was, in fact, him. "Um, technically, I'm still alive. So you can't really be dead.unless you aren't me. And to be perfectly honest, you don't seem to be anything like me in any way other than looks. That smile for one thing is, well, sort of creepy."
It shook its head. "I WAS you, Johnny. Before you went on that stupid trip to purge everything from your system. I was there before the suicide and after, when. hey, your hair grew back."
Johnny smiled shyly and ran a thin hand through his black hair, quite happy that he no longer had to feel the cold of night on his shaven scalp. "Yes, it took a while, and while I'm not totally sure as to how it happened in the first place-"
"I'm well aware," it replied in exasperation. "I was there when I explained the whole ordeal to that Jimmy/darkness guy or whatever. In any case.hm, where was I?"
"You were me." Johnny answered politely.
"Oh yes, thank you." It continued. "I was you before you left. Before you decided emotion sucked. Before you stopped caring about Squee. The only problem with that statement is you didn't stop caring, Johnny. He's always been there, deep inside you. It's as though you've lost a brother, or in some case, a son. And he's still there inside you Johnny. Waiting to be freed."
"Who exactly?"
"Squee! You still care about Squee!"
Johnny growled. "I've heard enough of this shit from that damned bear and now I have to hear it from you. Not a good time for repetition. And just because you seem to be me, doesn't mean I will listen."
It laughed slightly, reaching behind his back, blood still pouring from the hole in his forehead. He stared at Johnny darkly, its eyes burning a hole through his skinny body. "I knew you would say that. And another thing, Nny."
Johnny waited curiously.
A knife sliced through the air, connecting with Johnny's skull and sending him to the ground in a rush of blood and adrenaline. He felt his head crack against the ground, and a slur of red take his vision. "Ffffu."
"That's right, Johnny. Fuck. Fuck it all. Fuck the world and fuck Squee to hell, right? Heh. Anyhow, hm¼damn, I had a neat witty remark for this. Fuck." the other Johnny scratched his head, leaning over his other self. "Anyway, I just thought it would be fair for you to know the pain of death as I have. No, wait. Before you black out and die, I remember what I was going to say; you'll get a real kick outta this¼no, dammit. Nevermind. I can't remember. Go ahead. Hell awaits."
~~~
"Psst! Johnny!"
Johnny open one evil eye, soon followed by its twin and moved his head upward from his face down position. "Whuhzzzuh..fffffuuck." He pushed himself up slowly on his hands in a sort of push up, and stood, glancing around at the blackness.
"Johnny."
"Mr. Eff?" He could swear it was him, that frightening piece of Styrofoam that had plagued him sometime ago. He could never lose that voice from his mind; recognizing it anywhere.
"No," a small voice rose up, different now, and Nny turned, finding a figure of a different sort, cuddling a once familiar stuffed toy. "It's me. Squee."
"Squee.?" Johnny whispered unsure.
Squee stepped forward. "You tried to kill me, Nny."
Johnny raised a thin eyebrow in sudden confusion. This wasn't the Squee he had seen in the past, wrapped up in a thick blanket at night, depressed of his parents, afraid of everything else. There was no fear, no loathing, not even a small drop of sweat on his skin. He appeared to be more agitated than anything else. And he NEVER called Johnny Nny.
"I must be dreaming, huh?" the thin one asked, looking around once more. "Shit, that means I'm asleep. Geez, I hate sleep. Detestable."
Squee cocked his head to one side. "Afraid not. More like unconscious. And there is a difference, you know. But at least you know you're not awake. Few ever know." The dark had changed now. It had pushed back, revealing that what they stood on was a mess of floorboards, a couch near the ledge of this floor, and a TV set nearby with literal rabbit ears. Johnny realized where he was just then.
He was home. "Squee, I-"
"Do you know what it's been like?" He blinked as Squee spoke once more. "Do you realize what I've been through since you left? When you left me alone, to my parents, to the dark?"
"Squee."Johnny persisted again.
"The man at the park." the boy interrupted. "It hurt what he did to me. He didn't have to lure me away like the man you saved me from. He didn't have to. Just picked me up and carried me away into the woods. He said I had pretty hair. I was alone. Not that it matters.to you"
"I had to leave," Johnny replied calmly. "I couldn't stay here and be this.this flaw in humanity."
"I trusted you to stay and save me!" Squee screamed suddenly, chucking Shmee to the floor. To this, Johnny jumped, his eyes fixated on the bear, until the boy spoke again.
"But you didn't. Why don't you just kill me?!"
"What?"
"Kill me. I have nothing to offer anybody. Not my family, not Shmee, not you."
"Um."
"You left me behind."
"But I." Johnny started, somewhat frantic to explain the situation. ".had to. I couldn't stand to be that person, who had to want, to desire such useless things. Company, belonging, control, normalcy.well, maybe not normalcy, per say. But all those stupid emotions clogging up my arteries and shutting off my brain and making me that imperfection. Well now, I am Mr. Samsa, if not a more intelligent version of his personality. Except I can laugh. And I like brainfreezies."
"Besides," Johnny went on, staring at one of his boots and calming down at the same time. " You're not Squee, are you?"
Squee stared at him indignantly., then slowly allowed a grin to consume his features. He laughed softly, a fire blazing through his eyes. "You are smarter than you look. Or act for that matter."
Johnny's eyes narrowed and he looked down upon...whatever it was since it was obviously not little Squee. " So if you're not Squee, who are you? Are you just another voice come to drive me into the further recesses of insanity, or maybe, you aren't even mine. But then that's stupid. You want Squee dead. Shmee doesn't." He nodded his head towards Squee's bear, lying face down on the splintered wood of the floor. "I noticed the way you cast him aside. Squee would NEVER do that. Shmee is apart of him much to my complete disappointment. And that is something they both would know. Therefore, you can't be Shmee, and you're definitely not Squee."
That was when "Squee' began to change. His colorful fear-filled eyes became consumed by hate and lust for murder. His form grew to a tall skinny size, covered in black, and towering over its former self. It grinned (or at least that's what Johnny assumed it was doing) like a vengeful circus clown and hissed through its teeth, " Johnny C. Well you've found me out, haven't you."
Johnny blinked. It was him. A far more creepier, devious version of himself. Johnny glared at it, his expression derived of fear and shock, as was so like the old Johnny. "What the fuck are you?"
"Why, Johnny," his mirror image said, "I am you. Don't you recognize me?"
"No. No I can't say I do," Johnny answered. "Now, if you'll kindly dissipate into nothing, and let me wake, there's a small boy trapped in the basement and I must find him."
"You wish to leave?" the other Johnny asked as if offended. "But you just got here. Don't you want to know who I am?"
Johnny raised a thin eyebrow. "Um, " he uttered, crossing his arms. "Aren't you me? That's what you said. Though I'm not exactly sure what the hell is happening or why I'm having such dream- er- nightmare, or whatever- , let alone how the hell you can be me when I've already talked to me. Granted, he had a massive bullet hole in his forehead, but-"
The other interrupted, calmly enough, but Johnny could see him repress the impatience that was haunting him. "Allow me to explain, Nny. You see, there are three parts to your mind, at least that you can remember of. One is the old you. The keeper of Nailbunny and all these wonderful, disgusting brainlies you call emotions. The dead one. You became a different person after you died, or dreamed you went to heaven. The next is you, the one who changed. You're the one who wants to escape the emotions. Like the old Johnny, you possess little, if any, control over what you do and anything that happens in your life."
Johnny glanced at the floor. "Damn, that's kind of depressing. I mean, to know that you're unchanged in some ways when you wanted to be totally different." He looked back up, that one eyebrow still raised. "So, who're you exactly?"
"I'm the new you," the other Johnny grinned, revealing a row of familiar teeth. "I'm the cold Johnny; the one that will be once you kill Squee, of course."
Johnny was taken aback "Kill Squee?!? I would never ever! I'm the only person that boy can trust; not like that stupid bear.damn I hate that bear."
"You can't control me," his twin countered maliciously. "You've already tried to harm him, thanks to me. Here's the thing. I resurface, Squee dies, and then you will be consumed. Goodbye Johnny. This way to reality."
~~~
"So, what the hell were you thinking again?" Devi growled, turning back to Tenna as they sat in her apartment.
Tenna smiled , clutching Spooky close to her chest. She blinked innocently, or as innocently as she could pull off, and answered, "I was thinking ' here's a sweet guy who likes your photo and he's cute' and you need to get out."
Devi put a hand to her hand in frustration. "Okay, I'm going to forget about the fact that you showed a complete stranger my photo because I'm still getting over how you could possibly set me up on a date with that complete stranger when you already to a great extent, my horrible luck in dating people! Tenna!!!"
Tenna frowned and held up the toy. "It's Spooky's fault."
Devi growled again, rubbing the back of her head. A headache had worked its way into her brain, as usual when Tenna managed to piss her off with her never-ending hijinx. Then, a knocking came from her door. She turned her head, small fear rising in her eyes. She still hadn't gotten over dating thing, especially after dating Nny..it had gotten better. She went out much more, still disliked people, still disliked dating. Nothing new. But the thought lingered. What if he returned to finish the job?
"Helloooooo?" Tenna's voice snapped her back into reality. "Are you going to answer the door? It's your date, y' know?"
Devi glared at her. "I blame you, Tenna," she whispered, and headed towards the door. Tenna didn't seem to notice the negativity spilling out into the room and smiled again.
"I'll be here to get all the juicy details when you get back!" she sang.
Somewhere, in the back of Devi's mind, she wanted to vomit. She opened the door, coming face to face with..a teenage boy? She swallowed, looked back at Tenna, who waved, and then back at the stranger. "Hello?" she managed to say without sounding too rude.
"Hey," the stranger said. He blinked eyes that looked as if the pupils were merely just psycho swirls, and tousled his black hair that stuck out every which way, with three horizontally shaved lines around the bottom of his scalp. His clothing, to add to the picture, was black, gray, cut-off, and weird. He stuck out a gloved hand (the sort of glove with the fingers cut off) which Devi took reluctantly, and smiled ridiculously. "Name's Jaeyzon. Don't know yours though. Tenna didn't tell me that. All she said was that you needed a date. " He licked the palm of his glove and ran it through one particular spike that hung down in front of his face. "So here I am. You look way hotter than you do in your photo."
Devi groaned. "Gee thanks." So he was one of THOSE guys. The kind that acted like he was God's gift to women, or men, or seemingly whatever walked on two legs. She forced a smile and replied, "Well, I don't know how much Tenna told you but." she had her hand set to slam the door. ".I'm agoraphobic and .and.a lesbian!" She hated saying that, but there was no choice. He had to leave. And with that, she promptly slammed the door.just as he stepped in the doorway.
"Wait!" he rasped, caught between the door and its frame. " Tenna told me you'd say that! Please! Gimme a chance! Pleeeeeaaaaaaasssse!!! Nobody likes me and I have no place to go!!!" he wailed and hollered, and Devi turned to glare at Tenna.
It was a glare that sent a message.
'I'm going to kill you.'
~~~
"Um, so what's your name again?" Jaeyzon asked as they sat in Devi's car. Apparently, young Jaeyzon wasn't skilled in driving- no license. That made Devi wonder just a little more how old he really was. When she asked, he answered simply, 'old enough.'
They were supposed to be going to dinner, then to a movie to see something or other that sounded stupid enough, but Jaeyzon insisted that it would be a classic. She shuddered. This would be like every other date-stupid, lame, and terrifying. Why, God? Why?
"Devi," she answered , turning left (Ah, such insignificant detail!). "Forgive my manners. I hate people."
Jaeyzon laughed. " Yeah, so do Iaaaii- Wait!!!" he said this so suddenly that Devi hit the brake and the car screeched to a halt in the middle of the street, surprisingly and coincidentally empty. Both bodies lurched forward, restrained somewhat by the seatbelts, then flew back into their seats, one more confused than the other.
"What?!" Devi gasped. "What's wrong?!"
"You're Devi? THE Devi?!?" Jaeyzon's eyes became as large as saucers, and his would-be date could see now that his eyes really were just tiny psycho swirls. Kind of frightening in a way, but she ignored it for the moment. "Devi D.??"
Devi groaned and slammed her head into the steering wheel, not expecting any airbag to pop out anyway. "You stopped me for that? There could've been a -a car or a semi behind- We could've been killed or at least hospitalized, and did you forget about the car?!? I don't have the money to get this car fixed- and how did you know that exactly?"
"You're Devi D.! Johnny's Devi D.!!" Jaeyzon giggled insanely, but then a look of complete nervousness struck him. He gulped and pushed himself as far over to the side of the car as the seatbelt would allow him. "Whoa, I heard you were nuts.you're not gonna throw me into a mirror, are you?"
"Johnny?" Devi grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him close. "You know Johnny C.? How? How could you possibly know that monster?!?"
Jaeyzon pushed her away and fixed his attire back to his liking. He tossled his hair a little and finally answered calmly, "Chill out babe. He was in my friend's sleep program over at the crazy house; she don't sleep too good. Too many nightmares, but anyway, she had discussions with him on occasion and she said he can be really nice if you just ask the right questions. Seems he still hung up on you, or at least he was last time he showed up. That was a month or two ago.hmmm."
Devi was full of absolute fear, so much in fact that a small puddle of sweat and soaked into the uncomfortable cushioning of the seat and her nails drew blood as she they ripped into the palms of her hands form the fists. "He-he's not th-there any-more?" Didn't they know he was crazy, shouldn't they have kept him there.away from society and .her??
"Oh yeah," Jaeyzon answered, staring nervously out the window. This one looked like she would snap any minute. "Like my friend said, he stopped showing up a month or two ago. The doc said he was going to be very busy and that he enjoyed his time there. But he told my friend that he couldn't stand feeling anymore. There was you and then something else, I'm not sure what, but he just plowed right outta there after that. Every now and then she saw him, visiting this one patient, I think it was a kid¼anywho, nice guy. Too skinny though."
"Nice guy? Nice guy?!" Devi shrieked. "He's fucking crazy! He's a psychotic maniac! He tried to fucking kill me!! He kills people and he's insane like something that's all insane and he's just.insane! What's wrong with you?!!!"
He stayed silent for a minute, staring, just staring, as if he were a child that couldn't quite grasp the fact that he had done something wrong. He was a stupid child. Yes, that must be it. He and his little crazy friend were stupid children. It was awkward. So very fucking awkward.
"So," he finally broke the silence as she sat blinking in confusion and shock. "Are we gonna eat 'cuz it's a school night and I have homework to not do."
~~~
*What's going on? Where-? Damn my head hurts! Shit. Everything's all blurry.smudged together like a painting.a beautiful, ugly.ugly.painting.Squee! Oh fuck! I have to find Squee! I have to help him.."
Johnny sat up, using his arms for support. He gripped the back of his head, feeling warm blood ooze out from the wound from where he'd struck his head. "Oh shit." Pain sank in all around. The air reeked of it, perhaps just his own, or maybe it was Squee's fear. God knew the kid was consumed by his own fear, anyone could see, in his eyes, on his face, the way he moved.
He stared suddenly, something catching his eye near the door leading down, to the underground rooms. He managed to stand, walking unsteadily over to what lay on the floor, and upon reaching it, wrapped thin fingers around it to pick it up.
Shmee. In Squee's fearful little run away from Johnny and his knife- wielding, that devil toy and snapped back from his grip, caught on a nail in the doorframe. Squee must not have noticed- too afraid to. Probably still had some fluff in his hand
Johnny growled. "He could be anywhere down there. In anyone of those rooms.no one to help him." A disturbed smile threatened to fall upon his sickly face, but he restrained it, and grimaced shamefully. Was that the cold Johnny doing that? The one he had wanted (and possibly still wanted) to be? "No. That was just a dream. A really, really stupid dream. I hate dreaming."
Oh well, that didn't matter now. What mattered was Squee. And he would find him. No matter what. Mission acknowledged, he began heading down the stairs to search, with Shmee's leftover, and the knife absent-mindedly shaking in his quivering hand.
He wouldn't be searching long.
***
Oh God.
A small form sat in the darkness, in a sort of room, with horrifying pictures lacing its walls, and a machine. The very same that had held Edgar Vargas in its grip and tore him to pieces. Dried blood still stained the floor, and somewhere in his mind, Squee could swear he was hearing voices.
The voices were screaming.
Please don't! I didn't mean too. It was just a joke!! The rats!
It was frightening. So much in fact, that he realized he'd never been so scared in his entire life. Being trapped in a murderer's basement, with your only friend lost somewhere along the way, surrounded by the stench of death and fear and pain. So much torment had gone on in this one room; he couldn't begin to fathom the other rooms, the ones he hadn't journeyed through.
And in all this, he could even sense another sort of torment. Not that of physical pain, but of psychological trauma. It was Johnny's. Squee knew it. He could smell it; the pain had its own distinct odor when it fell on Johnny. So distinct in its own way, Squee knew it better than the smell of his parents' growing hatred for their only son. It was that smell that still lingered in his room in his room since the very day that Johnny had first broken into his house.
That smell became stronger and more vomit-drawing as Johnny began visiting him in the crazy house, but Squee had gotten used to it, and gotten used to him. Despite Shmee's constant warnings, he'd become strangely attached to the homicidal psychopath.
He didn't know how long he sat there, missing Shmee, and fearing for his life, before the sound of footsteps echoed in his ears. The familiar sound of boots against the rotting floorboards.
"Squee." a gentle voice cooed.
Squee froze, feeling his body become as stiff as a board. He inhaled quickly, daring not to breath. So close¼too close. The footsteps were coming closer. He clamped his hands over his mouth, struggling to keep his breath form escaping, feeling Johnny's dark presence dangerously near. Closer, closer, CLOSER!
He could feel it, looming over him; could see it, grinning evilly in the darkness that held them and closed his eyes tightly, awaiting the inevitable blow. Instead, a thin, frail hand, fell upon his tiny should, and a soft, plushy item was pushed into his lap.
"I won't hurt you, Squee."
The boy opened his eyes, ever so slightly, staring into the "innocent" eyes of Johnny, who was now crouching in front of him. In his own lap, Squee found the remains of the tiny bear Shmee and pulled it to his equally sized body. He looked back up at Johnny and sniffled. "You.you."
Johnny sighed apologetically. "I'm sorry. I don't want to kill you. I could never do such a thing." He stood up and surveyed the room. "It's just, my mind's a little more out of place than usual is all, and I'm having a hard time controlling myself. I'm just trying to get it under control. I bet Shmee could explain it better than I ever could." His eyes locked back with Squee's and he smiled.
Squee nodded, and smiled back, however small. The neighbor man wasn't, couldn't be, all that bad. He did apologize after all, and he said he wouldn't kill him. That was a good thing, yes, very good. No death for Squee.
Slowly, before Todd's very eyes, Johnny's eyes began to change. If there were ever a color darker than the deepest black, then it was the very color that lay in Johnny's eyes now. Johnny allowed a devilish smile to creep across his face like a snake, and placed his hand behind his back, as though reaching for something.
"Enough with the pitiful chit chat. Time for that is over," Johnny replied, whipping out the knife. "You have run your farthest and I cannot allow you to go on any longer. You end here, little Squee."
Squee squealed in panic as Johnny lunged at him full force, tearing the skin of Squee's check lightly. The little boy dove in another direction, skidding across the thick paint of dried blood, and slamming into the wall opposite his attacker, who had in an attempt to stab, rushed shrieking into the plaster.
What was going on? He had just been so nice.what went wrong? Squee shook his head, gripping Shmee in his small grip, watching Johnny stand up, wobbly and shaken, the knife still in his hand.
"You little.insignificant.shit," the man muttered, facing him, he held the blade up in the air, grinning with a trickle of blood tracing a line down his jaw from his collision with the wall. "Sit still and let me do your parents a favor."
A/N: Oh God, I'm so incoherent.
A/N: Alright, so that was the first chapter. Yes, I am still tired. In fact, though it's only 7:30 pm, I had less than four hours of sleep last night. At least, it's not severe insomnia. I'd totally snap. Anyhow, I hope you got the gist of chapter one, because I have no idea what I'm doing with chapter two. And yeah, I know that I may have stuck in some references to the comic, maybe more than most people would've liked, but oh well. I personally like the thought of Shmee getting mutilated at the hands of Johnny once more. Heh heh eh. And Johnny and all related character are not mine, but are the creations of Jhonen Vasquez's twisted little mind. The only thing that belongs to me is one shameful character used only because I needed someone to stick in here. He won't be in here again, I hope. Also, this chapter makes no sense, but I do have a warped sense of where this is going. Yesssssss.there is a method to my madnessssss. And please understand my typing skills are less than perfect. So 'from' may come out as 'form' I apologize for the inconvenience. And also forgive any ¼ things you find in here. They stand for '.' The computer is so fucked up. Enjoy.
Chapter 2: Monsters
If you kill me, you'll get caught!
I admit I was an asshole. I'm sorry for everything!
Isn't that, like, the number for heaven, or something?
A heaven for me, and a hell for you.
I was only playing.
Please.
Oh, God!! My mascara's running!
Nny? Nny, what are you doing?
Did you hear that? Pussies don't smoke.
You were supposed to teach me!.I'm just like you!
Are you moving away?
So, are you gonna chop me up and put me in the garbage now?.
Please don't chop me up.
The words played over and over throughout Johnny's mind, echoing despite the fact his mind was certainly not empty. He didn't know where this was coming from, only that was there, and that as it played, he could see hundreds upon hundreds of his own disgusting murders moving like a recorded dream. This thing was like a song, a song he never knew he had known, like a memory he couldn't quite grasp.
He could see the Doughboys and their own 'demise' at the hands of their master. He could see Nailbunny, and Edgar Vargas, and the convenient store man who had dared turn off the brainfreezy machine, and thus had to endure a most unpleasant bullet through his head in one of Nny's suicidal moments; and the electrocuted cheerleading squad, and all those fools at the café. He could see them all, almost every person he's ever killed and even those he hadn't; only knew. He could even see himself.
That skinny foolish.thing. He still refused, even in this.dream, or whatever it was, to believe that he was anything less than the cold form he had become. He wasn't human. But that bloody creature on the floor was. The one who had himself. He was there, lying before Johnny, and he turned his head, pouring blood, that sunken eye looking horribly grotesque.
He stared at Johnny, and grinned. Despite the wound, he was actually grinning and chuckling, although Nny's chuckle was more of a giggle, one of those insane giggles one thinks of when a mad scientist or a schoolgirl is mentioned. And that was how this giggle was.
"Johnny," it commented humorously. Then its smile slowly faded. "You killed me, Johnny."
Johnny looked around, confused. He's never really talked to himself like this. Face to face. He didn't know if that was even him. He.it, seemed a little out of place. He didn't think he could smile like that. Hm, he'd have to try it sometime, if this creature was, in fact, him. "Um, technically, I'm still alive. So you can't really be dead.unless you aren't me. And to be perfectly honest, you don't seem to be anything like me in any way other than looks. That smile for one thing is, well, sort of creepy."
It shook its head. "I WAS you, Johnny. Before you went on that stupid trip to purge everything from your system. I was there before the suicide and after, when. hey, your hair grew back."
Johnny smiled shyly and ran a thin hand through his black hair, quite happy that he no longer had to feel the cold of night on his shaven scalp. "Yes, it took a while, and while I'm not totally sure as to how it happened in the first place-"
"I'm well aware," it replied in exasperation. "I was there when I explained the whole ordeal to that Jimmy/darkness guy or whatever. In any case.hm, where was I?"
"You were me." Johnny answered politely.
"Oh yes, thank you." It continued. "I was you before you left. Before you decided emotion sucked. Before you stopped caring about Squee. The only problem with that statement is you didn't stop caring, Johnny. He's always been there, deep inside you. It's as though you've lost a brother, or in some case, a son. And he's still there inside you Johnny. Waiting to be freed."
"Who exactly?"
"Squee! You still care about Squee!"
Johnny growled. "I've heard enough of this shit from that damned bear and now I have to hear it from you. Not a good time for repetition. And just because you seem to be me, doesn't mean I will listen."
It laughed slightly, reaching behind his back, blood still pouring from the hole in his forehead. He stared at Johnny darkly, its eyes burning a hole through his skinny body. "I knew you would say that. And another thing, Nny."
Johnny waited curiously.
A knife sliced through the air, connecting with Johnny's skull and sending him to the ground in a rush of blood and adrenaline. He felt his head crack against the ground, and a slur of red take his vision. "Ffffu."
"That's right, Johnny. Fuck. Fuck it all. Fuck the world and fuck Squee to hell, right? Heh. Anyhow, hm¼damn, I had a neat witty remark for this. Fuck." the other Johnny scratched his head, leaning over his other self. "Anyway, I just thought it would be fair for you to know the pain of death as I have. No, wait. Before you black out and die, I remember what I was going to say; you'll get a real kick outta this¼no, dammit. Nevermind. I can't remember. Go ahead. Hell awaits."
~~~
"Psst! Johnny!"
Johnny open one evil eye, soon followed by its twin and moved his head upward from his face down position. "Whuhzzzuh..fffffuuck." He pushed himself up slowly on his hands in a sort of push up, and stood, glancing around at the blackness.
"Johnny."
"Mr. Eff?" He could swear it was him, that frightening piece of Styrofoam that had plagued him sometime ago. He could never lose that voice from his mind; recognizing it anywhere.
"No," a small voice rose up, different now, and Nny turned, finding a figure of a different sort, cuddling a once familiar stuffed toy. "It's me. Squee."
"Squee.?" Johnny whispered unsure.
Squee stepped forward. "You tried to kill me, Nny."
Johnny raised a thin eyebrow in sudden confusion. This wasn't the Squee he had seen in the past, wrapped up in a thick blanket at night, depressed of his parents, afraid of everything else. There was no fear, no loathing, not even a small drop of sweat on his skin. He appeared to be more agitated than anything else. And he NEVER called Johnny Nny.
"I must be dreaming, huh?" the thin one asked, looking around once more. "Shit, that means I'm asleep. Geez, I hate sleep. Detestable."
Squee cocked his head to one side. "Afraid not. More like unconscious. And there is a difference, you know. But at least you know you're not awake. Few ever know." The dark had changed now. It had pushed back, revealing that what they stood on was a mess of floorboards, a couch near the ledge of this floor, and a TV set nearby with literal rabbit ears. Johnny realized where he was just then.
He was home. "Squee, I-"
"Do you know what it's been like?" He blinked as Squee spoke once more. "Do you realize what I've been through since you left? When you left me alone, to my parents, to the dark?"
"Squee."Johnny persisted again.
"The man at the park." the boy interrupted. "It hurt what he did to me. He didn't have to lure me away like the man you saved me from. He didn't have to. Just picked me up and carried me away into the woods. He said I had pretty hair. I was alone. Not that it matters.to you"
"I had to leave," Johnny replied calmly. "I couldn't stay here and be this.this flaw in humanity."
"I trusted you to stay and save me!" Squee screamed suddenly, chucking Shmee to the floor. To this, Johnny jumped, his eyes fixated on the bear, until the boy spoke again.
"But you didn't. Why don't you just kill me?!"
"What?"
"Kill me. I have nothing to offer anybody. Not my family, not Shmee, not you."
"Um."
"You left me behind."
"But I." Johnny started, somewhat frantic to explain the situation. ".had to. I couldn't stand to be that person, who had to want, to desire such useless things. Company, belonging, control, normalcy.well, maybe not normalcy, per say. But all those stupid emotions clogging up my arteries and shutting off my brain and making me that imperfection. Well now, I am Mr. Samsa, if not a more intelligent version of his personality. Except I can laugh. And I like brainfreezies."
"Besides," Johnny went on, staring at one of his boots and calming down at the same time. " You're not Squee, are you?"
Squee stared at him indignantly., then slowly allowed a grin to consume his features. He laughed softly, a fire blazing through his eyes. "You are smarter than you look. Or act for that matter."
Johnny's eyes narrowed and he looked down upon...whatever it was since it was obviously not little Squee. " So if you're not Squee, who are you? Are you just another voice come to drive me into the further recesses of insanity, or maybe, you aren't even mine. But then that's stupid. You want Squee dead. Shmee doesn't." He nodded his head towards Squee's bear, lying face down on the splintered wood of the floor. "I noticed the way you cast him aside. Squee would NEVER do that. Shmee is apart of him much to my complete disappointment. And that is something they both would know. Therefore, you can't be Shmee, and you're definitely not Squee."
That was when "Squee' began to change. His colorful fear-filled eyes became consumed by hate and lust for murder. His form grew to a tall skinny size, covered in black, and towering over its former self. It grinned (or at least that's what Johnny assumed it was doing) like a vengeful circus clown and hissed through its teeth, " Johnny C. Well you've found me out, haven't you."
Johnny blinked. It was him. A far more creepier, devious version of himself. Johnny glared at it, his expression derived of fear and shock, as was so like the old Johnny. "What the fuck are you?"
"Why, Johnny," his mirror image said, "I am you. Don't you recognize me?"
"No. No I can't say I do," Johnny answered. "Now, if you'll kindly dissipate into nothing, and let me wake, there's a small boy trapped in the basement and I must find him."
"You wish to leave?" the other Johnny asked as if offended. "But you just got here. Don't you want to know who I am?"
Johnny raised a thin eyebrow. "Um, " he uttered, crossing his arms. "Aren't you me? That's what you said. Though I'm not exactly sure what the hell is happening or why I'm having such dream- er- nightmare, or whatever- , let alone how the hell you can be me when I've already talked to me. Granted, he had a massive bullet hole in his forehead, but-"
The other interrupted, calmly enough, but Johnny could see him repress the impatience that was haunting him. "Allow me to explain, Nny. You see, there are three parts to your mind, at least that you can remember of. One is the old you. The keeper of Nailbunny and all these wonderful, disgusting brainlies you call emotions. The dead one. You became a different person after you died, or dreamed you went to heaven. The next is you, the one who changed. You're the one who wants to escape the emotions. Like the old Johnny, you possess little, if any, control over what you do and anything that happens in your life."
Johnny glanced at the floor. "Damn, that's kind of depressing. I mean, to know that you're unchanged in some ways when you wanted to be totally different." He looked back up, that one eyebrow still raised. "So, who're you exactly?"
"I'm the new you," the other Johnny grinned, revealing a row of familiar teeth. "I'm the cold Johnny; the one that will be once you kill Squee, of course."
Johnny was taken aback "Kill Squee?!? I would never ever! I'm the only person that boy can trust; not like that stupid bear.damn I hate that bear."
"You can't control me," his twin countered maliciously. "You've already tried to harm him, thanks to me. Here's the thing. I resurface, Squee dies, and then you will be consumed. Goodbye Johnny. This way to reality."
~~~
"So, what the hell were you thinking again?" Devi growled, turning back to Tenna as they sat in her apartment.
Tenna smiled , clutching Spooky close to her chest. She blinked innocently, or as innocently as she could pull off, and answered, "I was thinking ' here's a sweet guy who likes your photo and he's cute' and you need to get out."
Devi put a hand to her hand in frustration. "Okay, I'm going to forget about the fact that you showed a complete stranger my photo because I'm still getting over how you could possibly set me up on a date with that complete stranger when you already to a great extent, my horrible luck in dating people! Tenna!!!"
Tenna frowned and held up the toy. "It's Spooky's fault."
Devi growled again, rubbing the back of her head. A headache had worked its way into her brain, as usual when Tenna managed to piss her off with her never-ending hijinx. Then, a knocking came from her door. She turned her head, small fear rising in her eyes. She still hadn't gotten over dating thing, especially after dating Nny..it had gotten better. She went out much more, still disliked people, still disliked dating. Nothing new. But the thought lingered. What if he returned to finish the job?
"Helloooooo?" Tenna's voice snapped her back into reality. "Are you going to answer the door? It's your date, y' know?"
Devi glared at her. "I blame you, Tenna," she whispered, and headed towards the door. Tenna didn't seem to notice the negativity spilling out into the room and smiled again.
"I'll be here to get all the juicy details when you get back!" she sang.
Somewhere, in the back of Devi's mind, she wanted to vomit. She opened the door, coming face to face with..a teenage boy? She swallowed, looked back at Tenna, who waved, and then back at the stranger. "Hello?" she managed to say without sounding too rude.
"Hey," the stranger said. He blinked eyes that looked as if the pupils were merely just psycho swirls, and tousled his black hair that stuck out every which way, with three horizontally shaved lines around the bottom of his scalp. His clothing, to add to the picture, was black, gray, cut-off, and weird. He stuck out a gloved hand (the sort of glove with the fingers cut off) which Devi took reluctantly, and smiled ridiculously. "Name's Jaeyzon. Don't know yours though. Tenna didn't tell me that. All she said was that you needed a date. " He licked the palm of his glove and ran it through one particular spike that hung down in front of his face. "So here I am. You look way hotter than you do in your photo."
Devi groaned. "Gee thanks." So he was one of THOSE guys. The kind that acted like he was God's gift to women, or men, or seemingly whatever walked on two legs. She forced a smile and replied, "Well, I don't know how much Tenna told you but." she had her hand set to slam the door. ".I'm agoraphobic and .and.a lesbian!" She hated saying that, but there was no choice. He had to leave. And with that, she promptly slammed the door.just as he stepped in the doorway.
"Wait!" he rasped, caught between the door and its frame. " Tenna told me you'd say that! Please! Gimme a chance! Pleeeeeaaaaaaasssse!!! Nobody likes me and I have no place to go!!!" he wailed and hollered, and Devi turned to glare at Tenna.
It was a glare that sent a message.
'I'm going to kill you.'
~~~
"Um, so what's your name again?" Jaeyzon asked as they sat in Devi's car. Apparently, young Jaeyzon wasn't skilled in driving- no license. That made Devi wonder just a little more how old he really was. When she asked, he answered simply, 'old enough.'
They were supposed to be going to dinner, then to a movie to see something or other that sounded stupid enough, but Jaeyzon insisted that it would be a classic. She shuddered. This would be like every other date-stupid, lame, and terrifying. Why, God? Why?
"Devi," she answered , turning left (Ah, such insignificant detail!). "Forgive my manners. I hate people."
Jaeyzon laughed. " Yeah, so do Iaaaii- Wait!!!" he said this so suddenly that Devi hit the brake and the car screeched to a halt in the middle of the street, surprisingly and coincidentally empty. Both bodies lurched forward, restrained somewhat by the seatbelts, then flew back into their seats, one more confused than the other.
"What?!" Devi gasped. "What's wrong?!"
"You're Devi? THE Devi?!?" Jaeyzon's eyes became as large as saucers, and his would-be date could see now that his eyes really were just tiny psycho swirls. Kind of frightening in a way, but she ignored it for the moment. "Devi D.??"
Devi groaned and slammed her head into the steering wheel, not expecting any airbag to pop out anyway. "You stopped me for that? There could've been a -a car or a semi behind- We could've been killed or at least hospitalized, and did you forget about the car?!? I don't have the money to get this car fixed- and how did you know that exactly?"
"You're Devi D.! Johnny's Devi D.!!" Jaeyzon giggled insanely, but then a look of complete nervousness struck him. He gulped and pushed himself as far over to the side of the car as the seatbelt would allow him. "Whoa, I heard you were nuts.you're not gonna throw me into a mirror, are you?"
"Johnny?" Devi grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him close. "You know Johnny C.? How? How could you possibly know that monster?!?"
Jaeyzon pushed her away and fixed his attire back to his liking. He tossled his hair a little and finally answered calmly, "Chill out babe. He was in my friend's sleep program over at the crazy house; she don't sleep too good. Too many nightmares, but anyway, she had discussions with him on occasion and she said he can be really nice if you just ask the right questions. Seems he still hung up on you, or at least he was last time he showed up. That was a month or two ago.hmmm."
Devi was full of absolute fear, so much in fact that a small puddle of sweat and soaked into the uncomfortable cushioning of the seat and her nails drew blood as she they ripped into the palms of her hands form the fists. "He-he's not th-there any-more?" Didn't they know he was crazy, shouldn't they have kept him there.away from society and .her??
"Oh yeah," Jaeyzon answered, staring nervously out the window. This one looked like she would snap any minute. "Like my friend said, he stopped showing up a month or two ago. The doc said he was going to be very busy and that he enjoyed his time there. But he told my friend that he couldn't stand feeling anymore. There was you and then something else, I'm not sure what, but he just plowed right outta there after that. Every now and then she saw him, visiting this one patient, I think it was a kid¼anywho, nice guy. Too skinny though."
"Nice guy? Nice guy?!" Devi shrieked. "He's fucking crazy! He's a psychotic maniac! He tried to fucking kill me!! He kills people and he's insane like something that's all insane and he's just.insane! What's wrong with you?!!!"
He stayed silent for a minute, staring, just staring, as if he were a child that couldn't quite grasp the fact that he had done something wrong. He was a stupid child. Yes, that must be it. He and his little crazy friend were stupid children. It was awkward. So very fucking awkward.
"So," he finally broke the silence as she sat blinking in confusion and shock. "Are we gonna eat 'cuz it's a school night and I have homework to not do."
~~~
*What's going on? Where-? Damn my head hurts! Shit. Everything's all blurry.smudged together like a painting.a beautiful, ugly.ugly.painting.Squee! Oh fuck! I have to find Squee! I have to help him.."
Johnny sat up, using his arms for support. He gripped the back of his head, feeling warm blood ooze out from the wound from where he'd struck his head. "Oh shit." Pain sank in all around. The air reeked of it, perhaps just his own, or maybe it was Squee's fear. God knew the kid was consumed by his own fear, anyone could see, in his eyes, on his face, the way he moved.
He stared suddenly, something catching his eye near the door leading down, to the underground rooms. He managed to stand, walking unsteadily over to what lay on the floor, and upon reaching it, wrapped thin fingers around it to pick it up.
Shmee. In Squee's fearful little run away from Johnny and his knife- wielding, that devil toy and snapped back from his grip, caught on a nail in the doorframe. Squee must not have noticed- too afraid to. Probably still had some fluff in his hand
Johnny growled. "He could be anywhere down there. In anyone of those rooms.no one to help him." A disturbed smile threatened to fall upon his sickly face, but he restrained it, and grimaced shamefully. Was that the cold Johnny doing that? The one he had wanted (and possibly still wanted) to be? "No. That was just a dream. A really, really stupid dream. I hate dreaming."
Oh well, that didn't matter now. What mattered was Squee. And he would find him. No matter what. Mission acknowledged, he began heading down the stairs to search, with Shmee's leftover, and the knife absent-mindedly shaking in his quivering hand.
He wouldn't be searching long.
***
Oh God.
A small form sat in the darkness, in a sort of room, with horrifying pictures lacing its walls, and a machine. The very same that had held Edgar Vargas in its grip and tore him to pieces. Dried blood still stained the floor, and somewhere in his mind, Squee could swear he was hearing voices.
The voices were screaming.
Please don't! I didn't mean too. It was just a joke!! The rats!
It was frightening. So much in fact, that he realized he'd never been so scared in his entire life. Being trapped in a murderer's basement, with your only friend lost somewhere along the way, surrounded by the stench of death and fear and pain. So much torment had gone on in this one room; he couldn't begin to fathom the other rooms, the ones he hadn't journeyed through.
And in all this, he could even sense another sort of torment. Not that of physical pain, but of psychological trauma. It was Johnny's. Squee knew it. He could smell it; the pain had its own distinct odor when it fell on Johnny. So distinct in its own way, Squee knew it better than the smell of his parents' growing hatred for their only son. It was that smell that still lingered in his room in his room since the very day that Johnny had first broken into his house.
That smell became stronger and more vomit-drawing as Johnny began visiting him in the crazy house, but Squee had gotten used to it, and gotten used to him. Despite Shmee's constant warnings, he'd become strangely attached to the homicidal psychopath.
He didn't know how long he sat there, missing Shmee, and fearing for his life, before the sound of footsteps echoed in his ears. The familiar sound of boots against the rotting floorboards.
"Squee." a gentle voice cooed.
Squee froze, feeling his body become as stiff as a board. He inhaled quickly, daring not to breath. So close¼too close. The footsteps were coming closer. He clamped his hands over his mouth, struggling to keep his breath form escaping, feeling Johnny's dark presence dangerously near. Closer, closer, CLOSER!
He could feel it, looming over him; could see it, grinning evilly in the darkness that held them and closed his eyes tightly, awaiting the inevitable blow. Instead, a thin, frail hand, fell upon his tiny should, and a soft, plushy item was pushed into his lap.
"I won't hurt you, Squee."
The boy opened his eyes, ever so slightly, staring into the "innocent" eyes of Johnny, who was now crouching in front of him. In his own lap, Squee found the remains of the tiny bear Shmee and pulled it to his equally sized body. He looked back up at Johnny and sniffled. "You.you."
Johnny sighed apologetically. "I'm sorry. I don't want to kill you. I could never do such a thing." He stood up and surveyed the room. "It's just, my mind's a little more out of place than usual is all, and I'm having a hard time controlling myself. I'm just trying to get it under control. I bet Shmee could explain it better than I ever could." His eyes locked back with Squee's and he smiled.
Squee nodded, and smiled back, however small. The neighbor man wasn't, couldn't be, all that bad. He did apologize after all, and he said he wouldn't kill him. That was a good thing, yes, very good. No death for Squee.
Slowly, before Todd's very eyes, Johnny's eyes began to change. If there were ever a color darker than the deepest black, then it was the very color that lay in Johnny's eyes now. Johnny allowed a devilish smile to creep across his face like a snake, and placed his hand behind his back, as though reaching for something.
"Enough with the pitiful chit chat. Time for that is over," Johnny replied, whipping out the knife. "You have run your farthest and I cannot allow you to go on any longer. You end here, little Squee."
Squee squealed in panic as Johnny lunged at him full force, tearing the skin of Squee's check lightly. The little boy dove in another direction, skidding across the thick paint of dried blood, and slamming into the wall opposite his attacker, who had in an attempt to stab, rushed shrieking into the plaster.
What was going on? He had just been so nice.what went wrong? Squee shook his head, gripping Shmee in his small grip, watching Johnny stand up, wobbly and shaken, the knife still in his hand.
"You little.insignificant.shit," the man muttered, facing him, he held the blade up in the air, grinning with a trickle of blood tracing a line down his jaw from his collision with the wall. "Sit still and let me do your parents a favor."
A/N: Oh God, I'm so incoherent.