Part 10- Destroying the Ring

Everyone is outside the entrance of Mt. Doom

(Saruman is in the entrance blocking the way.

Saruman: Bonjour, Je suis Saruman!

All: (blank look)

Legolas: What did he just say?

Merry: Did he say his name was Sarurumon?

Jack: No, I think he said his name was Saroooomaun....

Elizabeth: No I think its Saruman...

Jack: Oh...

Jack: Move out of the way you road block!

(Saruman looks blankly at Jack.)

Saruman: Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit?

Merry: I need to go to the bathroom...(Tugs on Jack's sash...)

Jack: What?!?

Merry: I have to go! Ask him where the bathroom is...

Jack: Hold on for a moment let me try...(Turn to Saruman)

W-h-e-r-e i-s t-h-e b-a-t-h-r-o-o-m???

Saruman: (Blink,blink)

Elizabeth: Donde es el bano cuarto?

Saruman: Quoi?

Elizabeth: Ok, so it's not Spanish...

Legolas: Try something else...umm...ce suo zai na li? (Where is the bathroom?)

Ok, that didn't work....

Jack: Doku deska toleto...

(Merry starts to dance around) I have to go to the toilet.

(Ping! a lightbub shines over Saruman's head)

Saruman: Ah! Vous voulez aller aux toilettes? (Points to a patch of tumbleweed) La bas.

Merry: What there?!?

Saruman: Oui.

Jack: Will you let us pass?

(Saruman shakes his head)

Jack: Please, will you let us pass?

(Again Saruman shakes his head.)

Saruman: en personne peut entre.

Legolas: What did he just say?

Jack: Beats me.

Pippin: Where the heck am I?

Merry: Pippin! You're back! We've been so worried.

Pippin: Look I have a jar of Mayonnaise.

Merry: Let me have some.

Pippin: Ok... (Hands over the half empty jar)

Merry: Hey! There's not that much left.

Pippin: I got hungry waiting for you guys to find me.

Merry: Then I'll just have the rest.

Pippin: No fair. You got to drink the rest of the tree water, so I have dibs on it.

Saruman: De quoi parlez-vous?

Pippin: Huh? Dude who are you?

Saruman: Je suis Saruman.

Legolas: I want to get rid of this ring right now.!.

Pippin: I'm so confused! (runs around in circles with the jar still in his hands)

Elizabeth: We're missing the point. We need to get to the center to destroy the ring.

(Pippin throws his hands up in confusion and the jar of Mayonnaise goes flying and hits Saruman in the head.)

Saruman: (grabs Elizabeth and starts threatening them) vous allez mourir avant matin.

(Elizabeth starts trembling)

Legolas: Let her go Saruman.

Merry: Legolas, he's scary. (Pippin totally silent)

Jack: I'm hungry. (Picks up the jar of mayonnaise and tastes it)

Pippin: Hey, that's my Mayonnaise!

Merry: Keep eating that junk and you'll get even fatter.

(Jack, Merry, and Pippin start brawling it out. Legolas is filing his nails. Saruman is discussing nail tips with Legolas who has no idea what he is saying. Elizabeth is hyperventilating because she is terrified and she can't breath. Elizabeth faints. Everyone looks at her after she faints.)

Jack: Oh. She fainted AGAIN...

Pippin: Elizabeth! Elizabeth! Wake up! (Runs around in circles saying..)

Does anyone know CPR?

Merry: EW!

(Saruman drags Elizabeth into a hidden room to try and revive her with a glass of water)

Saruman: (When she wakes up, she will die)

Elizabeth: Where am I? What am I doing here?

Saruman: alors, mangez quelque chocolat.

Elizabeth: Whatever. I am hungry.

Saruman: Ha ha ha. Now you will DIE!!! (Takes out his staff)

Elizabeth: You speak English?

Will: Not if I can help it. (Hits Saruman on the head)

Pippin: So he does speak English.

Jack: Oh, whatever.

Legolas: (walks up to Saruman and says..) I couldn't help but notice your nails, could you give me some tips when we get back.

Elrond: They continue up the mountain until Legolas stumbles upon a small white bunny.

Legolas: Ow!

Jack: What is that thing?

Merry: Hey, maybe it's hungry.

Legolas: Maybe he'll eat the ring. Try it Jack.

Will: The bunny has better hair than me. (Goes and sulks behind a boulder)

Jack: (beckoning to the bunny) Here bunny, bunny, bunny. Want a nice treat? Come here you filthy, mangy dog! (Gives bunny the ring and the bunny lunges at his fingers hoping to get some blood. He shrieks like a girl and jumps back)

Elrond: The bunny swallowed the ring and hopped off.

Jack: Get that bunny!

Legolas: What can we do? It is already going out of Mt. Doom.

Pippin: We must use the Holy Stink Bomb!!

Jack: The holy what?!?

Pippin: It says one must count to three no more, no less. For three is the number one must count. One must count to three. For two is too little. Four is by far too much. So, one must count to three.

Everyone: We get it!!

Jack: Ok here goes. 1, 2, 4...

Legolas: No, 3!

Giant BOMB!!!

Jack: 3.

Merry: That is gross! Picks up the bunny and puts it into a bag, all the while pitching his nose

(Strange sounds from behind them all)

Pippin: Hey, is that Gollum?!?

Jack: I have an idea. (Gives the bunny to Gollum then he eats it and finds the ring, jumping up and down in victory. Then shoved into Mount Doom)

Legolas: That worked. Ok, let's leave now.

Gandalf: Its over!!! It is finally over!!! Yay!!!

Everyone: HE TALKED!!!

Gandalf: Of course I can talk! I just didn't feel like talking before.

Jack: I heard we're having a party in Merry's house. Let's go!!!

Merry: Who told you that?

Jack: Pippin...

Merry: Pippin! How could you!?!

Pippin: Sorry... But it would be nice to have a big dinner won't it?

Elrond: It was finally all over. We all felt a lot better now knowing that the ring would never come back. Now we can all go home.

Will: Where's Elizabeth?

Elizabeth: Right here, Will.

Will: (sighs) Oh, as long as my face is OK.

(Saruman goes up to Will and messes up his hair)

Will: Hey (crying) my hair. My beautiful hair. (Adlibbing the rest)

Jack: Pull yourself together man.

Elrond: And we were all merry.

Merry: Me? They were me?

Jack: (throws pistol at Merry's head, from off stage) Hurry up you fat hobbit. Let's go.