If Only I Could Dream

WARNING: This chapter could be a very disappointing one for some of you if you expected too much from me. For one thing, it rambles on and one (just look at my author's notes) and secondly, I found the ending very challenging to write. That's why it took so long. But I did try my absolute best and I sincerely hope you all enjoy this and stuff. K?

A/N: Well, a very interesting comment came by me, concerning the coldness of Johnny. I suppose this is one of those moments where I should make things a bit clearer....I guess....blech....duh. This is a behind the scenes look at what the hell my mind is making me do:

Yes, I have considered the ideas surrounding Johnny's "coldness" and the thought of such did not appeal to me. No, rather it was boring. Oh yeah, Johnny comes back from wherever as emotionless as can be. "Wow, I am cold...good for me." (spoken in dull monotone) Yes, end of story. Nuh uh. So I made him a delusional fuck and gave him the thought that he was the human version of Mr. Samsa, which is what he wanted to be. Yes, he is insane, and at the very beginning, held the belief that he was emotionless when he really wasn't. He is strange like that. After all, if he was cold right from the very beginning, we wouldn't have a story, now would we?

If that was confusing, then disregard, and read this: Emotions are crucial to the plot. So suck it up. :)

A/N II: Thanks to all of you who have reviewed and whatnot. You rock real hard....no, I don't like the way the sounded....let's try: You kick primordial sludge ass. I know that didn't make sense, but it was so fun to write. So let's begin another shit-filled chapter of ramblings and writings and stuff that makes no sense. Sorry I took so long to put this up. My sincerest apologies.

Lightning Rod

Squee had wanted to do something; wanted to say something that could possibly make JOHNNY stop, but the words sank in deeper every minute, and he stopped himself from doing so, even as the last bit of air left his lungs.

"That's right. Once you're dead, Johnny and Devi and everyone will be much better off."

"They won't hurt anymore."

"This is what you want..."

He felt himself fall into a sort of daze; the outer edges of his vision had blurred entirely, and were slowly spreading all around his eyes. He was falling again. Falling forever.

"NO! Squee! Wake up!" a voice called to him, echoing from all around. "Don't let him win!"

Squee opened his eyes lazily. JOHNNY's icy grip on his neck had lost pressure and JOHNNY himself was hissing something to an unknown creature behind him. "Sh-Shmee....?"

"That's enough, you fucking thing!" JOHNNY spat to the toy who had managed to flop over on his back somehow. "Don't you get it? Its over! I've won, and he's going to die!"

"No Squee." Shmee ignored the deranged skinny man. "It's not over if you fight back. You have to! Do it for...um...do it for yourself!"

JOHNNY released the boy all together, infuriated at such words. Those words could cost him if the bear didn't shut up. "GOD DAMMIT! Why can't you just accept that it's all fucking over?! You're just shoving useless shit into his head! It's not gonna work! No one is capable of stopping me! You hear that, you plush bastard! No one!!"

"I wouldn't put much faith into that." a voice called shakily. JOHNNY didn't have a chance to face the shaky person who dared defy him at the peak of his moment. A large, painful object snapped into the back of his skull forcing him to the ground, unconscious within the instant. A small stream of blood oozed down from his new wound, dripping down to the pavement.

Squee turned his attention upwards, still trying to catch his breath from JOHNNY's choking hold. "You-you saved me..." he managed, eyes fixated upon Devi D. "Th-thank you...."

Devi nodded, dropping the large, wooden fence post picked out from someone's yard. "Ugh God. This has been one of the worst days of my life..." she muttered, picking Shmee up off the ground and handing it to the small child.

Squee took the bear gratefully, smothering it with a hug and forcing a small smile. "Shmee, I'm glad you're okay."

Devi sighed, reaching down to grab Squee's hand and tugged him along gently, though hurriedly. "C'mon, we need to get out of here. Maybe there's a hospital nearby where I can drop you off or something. God, I knew Johnny was crazy, but I didn't know he was like this."

Squee pulled his hand from hers and stared back at Johnny's unmoving body. "Buh-but I can't leave him! He's in trouble! The...the bad man's going to kill him!"

Devi groaned inwardly. "If we don't get out of here, he'll kill us instead. "She knelt down, hoping to force some sense into the boy. "Don't you understand? He's crazy. He's an insane lunatic and if we stand around here, next thing you know, he'll be after us with those knives! We have to leave!"

"But," Squee attempted again. "That's not Johnny. The bad Johnny locked the good Johnny away in his head. I have to help...." He lowered his large head. "He saved me lotsa times. An-and I wanna help him. I don't want him to die..."

Devi groaned again. "Look-"

"That night...you liked him too. You don't want him to die, do you? Please...I just wanna make the bad man go away. So no one else important has to die." Squee replied. "He's all I have left."

Devi made a noise; something between gulping and sobbing, but tears were vacant from her eyes. She just stared. She stared at that twisted form she had like so very long ago. That person then...he had made her feel special. He had made her feel wanted. She wasn't alone when she had been with him, while with others she was alone all the time. Then he tried to kill her.

"I don't know what to do...

....................................................................................

Black....everything was so damn black...No light, no trees, no child screaming for air, nor the sound of a stuffed bear's pleas. What in the name of all things unholy...?

JOHHNY opened his eyes, suddenly startled at his surroundings. Where was the child? Dammit, he had been so close, so very close....but something intervened....Threw him from reality and back....

Back into Johnny's subconscious. Where his other victim was waiting.

"So." Came Johnny's voice from just above, calm and low. "What do you think you're doing? What is wrong with your demented mind, you repulsive bastard...?"

JOHNNY stood, wiping unseen dust from his clothes. His eyes narrowed, the right twitched involuntarily. Johnny was hidden, but it wouldn't take long to draw him out. "Don't you get it, Nny?" He returned, trying to find the source of the voice in the darkness. "This is our demented mind. We share it, and you created it long before I settled in. So the real question is: what's wrong with OUR demented mind?"

There was a long pause; it irked the one that stood in the black, awaiting the moment that his opponent, if that's what one would call it, would come out. He was paranoid, and that's what made him even angrier.

"Come out, Nny," he finally replied. "This little hide-and -go-seek game isn't helping either of us. Why don't you just come out so we can finish this?"

There was an odd sort of grunt from all around, then a snort as if Johnny was laughing.

"Last time I checked," the voice came again. "Hide-and-seek involved seeking. You've barely moved form your spot....That kind of makes me think...."

JOHNNY raised an eyebrow, that eye still in a fit of twitches.

"I think you're scared. That must be it....But then....it just confuses me more...."

JOHNNY gritted his teeth, anger pushed far beyond the limits.

Johnny continued. "You see.....you claim to the cold version of me, but the point of my being cold was to flush out all the excess. You know...get rid of all the unneeded emotion. You seem to have plenty of it for someone who's cold. How can you hold on to all that shit and still call yourself exactly what you are not?"

JOHNNY stifled the oncoming rage, and swallowed all of it down, his eyes swelling with tears at the pain of doing so. Getting angry would only make dear Johnny believe that he was right. So he felt it ease down into his gut and disappear into the furthest reaches of his body. "Hm," he answered calmly, pleased with himself for managing it. "I see your point, Nny. Perhaps I should explain."

"Yes, go ahead." Johnny's voice eased over, intrigued.

"You and I share one mind, a mind that, from the beginning, belonged to only you. I have managed to take over a good amount of this trash heap brain of yours, but since you still have some control, your mind still has emotion. Therefore, I can't fully and completely be myself until you're good and dead and all the existing extra shit has been cleansed from your body." JOHHNY proclaimed proudly, and happy to get that out of the way.

He smiled victoriously, hoping that Johnny would now see there was no way out. "And I can't do that until a) you either give up or b) I kill the only person you have felt full and total loving and caring emotion for. You've never tried to kill Squee, at least, not until I showed up."

Johnny shifted somewhere in the dark.

"Think of it this way: I'm kicking you out of your house," the man declared. "You can't get rid of me, but I can most certainly get rid of you. Now, are you ready to come out now?"

"How fucking dare you..."

JOHNNY felt the voice move closer. "Stop feeling, Johnny...." he muttered, getting nervous.

"Who the fuck do you think you are...terrorizing my mind and trying to destroy me...?"

JOHNNY whirled around, expecting the other to be there, but only emptiness filled the spot. "I said stop it!" he hissed, turning in a full circle to see if his enemy had some into his line of sight. "Stop feeling, dammit! It's affecting me...!"

"Just when I believed that I was in control...I wanted so much to believe that I was like Mr. Samsa that I brainwashed myself into thinking it was true....but it was all a lie. I could see that, but I didn't want to believe it. And then, you came in...

JOHNNY swallowed. That anger was returning again. "Shut up! That's enough!"

"No. You've tried to hurt Devi and Squee, and you killed that boy's parents....not that that's a bad thing. They deserved it and all....BUT HE DIDN'T HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO FIND IT! And I'm not going to allow you to hurt him. I'll see to it that if anyone kills anything, I'll be there to gut you before you have the chance to spit up some miserable plea, you pathetic, fucking worm."

"Come on out, you little prick!" JOHNNY screeched, having had enough of the accusations that were so true. "I own you! I OWN YOU!" A noise came from behind him, and a rough, deep voice pierced his ears.

"Bullshit." JOHNNY whirled around just in time to see a fist flying at him and took the blow square in the face. He flew several feet from where he once stood, and landed hard on his backside. Blood poured from his nostrils and he was quick to try to catch it in his hands.

He raised his aching head to face Johnny again, but he had disappeared once more. His eyes widened, and rolled over to face the opposite direction. "Don't do this to me, Nny. You created me, remember? YOU were the poor creature that wanted to be cold; free from all painful emotion, just like that little bug, Samsa."

A shadow moved behind him and he threw himself around in just enough time to see it pass then disappear. "You were the one who didn't want to feel anymore, for anyone or anything. You wanted to be the perfect machine, relying only on survival. No cravings, no desires, no pleasurable extras to corrupt the mind. And the moment I give you that, you go off on some stupid little tantrum! ARGH, FUCK JOHNNY! You tried to kill me off because you couldn't handle it! You created the perfect being and suddenly I'm the monster! What kind of insane fucking shit is that?!"

"Hm, I can plainly see what you're saying." Johnny replied, a crude smile stretched out on his face. "Yes, I can just see it. Of course..."

He jumped out into view, this time in front of his other self. "I wasn't aware that trying to flush away all the shit meant that I would have to die. Hell, I didn't even know that Squee was to die as well. I think you're just coming up with pathetic excuses now, for doing those things you did. That poor child, already beaten down with nightmares and neglect, only to gain set of nightmares from a sick fuck like you."

JOHNNY glared as the other man stepped closer. "Well, I refuse to be subjected to this shit any further." Johnny gracefully pulled a rather long, sharpened knife from behind his back and flashed it brilliantly before JOHNNY.

"Seems to me, that this is the only possible place that I can kill you, since one cannot exist without a mind." Johnny snickered deviously. "Think of it this way: I want you out of my house, and the only way of accomplishing that, is to tear you into pieces and throw you out. So this is the final showdown of everything."

"You're not going to take it all away from me, Nny," JOHNNY countered. "I've worked too hard to take over as much of your mind as I did, and if I can die here, then you can as well. You're body is MINE!"

"We'll see..."

"You've always wanted to die anyway, Nny." JOHNNY reminded, quickly brandishing a knife of his own. "I can make that a reality. All those times that you've tried to end it all, because of something absolutely miserable; some stupid event that made you see how completely lame your existence has been. I can make your whole life disappear, just as you wanted."

Johnny didn't take the time to respond to the statement and lunged out, swinging his weapon around wildly. The blade came down into JOHNNY's left arm, slicing it open, and JOHNNY wailed in both surprise and pain.

He grabbed his bleeding arm, hoping to stop the blood flow. "Dammit! I just want you dead!"

Johnny grinned, twirling the handle of his knife around his fingers. "Are you ready to give up? I hope not. What a boring fight it would be..."

JOHNNY growled, leaping into the air, and bringing down the knife towards Johnny. It tore into the man's shoulder, eliciting a sharp hiss, and Johnny fell to the ground, holding the wound. His eyes flashed dangerously.

JOHNNY smiled, "The world will be so much better off once you're dead and gone, you know." He stepped closer. "No more innocent little brat to care about; no more stupid obnoxious bitch to get in the way; best of all, no more sharing. I won't have to share mind and body with a deranged freak like you. I'll be my own man, free to kill without a care, survive without feeling, rise above all those who let their emotions and needs and desires get in their way. Do you know what this means, Nny?"

Johnny glared.

"It means I will be everything that you sought out to be. You will still be nothing." JOHNNY giggled, mouth curved upwards in a disgusting grin.

Johnny stood, almost lazily. He stared at the ground, expression thoughtful, swinging the knife back and forth at his side. "You know, I never really thought about what I was doing, that night I decided to leave for my holiday, I never even thought about how it would affect others' lives. Well, really only Squee's. Never thought about what I would do if I didn't care about him. Cockroaches eat their offspring sometimes. They KILL their own children for survival. And I would kill Squee for yours."

JOHNNY raised an eyebrow. "And...? That means what to me?"

"Nothing, I suppose." Johnny half smiled, closing his eyes in thought. "Just making a useless comparison, one that sickens me" he replied, voice angrier by the minute. He raised the knife again, readying himself for another blow.

JOHNNY ran his tongue over is lip, readying himself as well. They began to circle the area, watching each other like hawks, those vicious knifes caught in tight, painful grips.

"I've come too far to have you ruin everything I've worked so hard for this, Nny," JOHNNY growled, continuing to move. "You were always so annoying. Fighting back against me, just as your precious Devi fought too."

Johnny's eyes quickly widened. "Devi? What are you talking about?"

"Devi had her own demon, you see. Someone taking over; a voice that took on a true form," JOHNNY informed, a smile working its way onto his face. "The only difference between her situation and yours, is that she won."

Johnny's eyes narrowed once more.

"Of course, if it had been me stuck in her head, I would have torn apart her mind, then slaughtered her, then, just for fun, I would've sent you each and every one of her body parts individually, just to see your pathetic heart die."

Johnny screamed, jumping at his twin, "YOU FUCKING VIRUS!!" The knife connected with JOHNNY's other arm.

JOHNNY screeched in pain, instantly dropping the knife and falling to the ground. "Fuck!!" he held the new wound, blood spilling out between his fingers. The cut burned and ached, and before he could stop himself, a pained whimper escaped his lips.

Johnny smiled, walking towards his fallen opponent. "What was that? Did I hear correctly, or did you just make the pathetic noise of someone who knows what's to come? Does that mean, you accept defeat?" He suddenly snapped his arm straight into JOHNNY's jaw, watching humorously as the man skidded a few feet form his original spot.

Blood falling from his mouth, JOHNNY managed to speak, though his words were slurred and weak, "I am not defeated. I WILL kill you..."

WHAM!

Johnny's steel-toed boot now slammed into his face, and a particular snap was heard above JOHNNY's sudden wail.

It was around that time that JOHNNY's whole left arm disappeared.

Johnny stared, clearly surprised. He opened his mouth to speak, but the words escaped him. All he could manage was a soft "um...."

JOHNNY placed his only hand over where his arm had once been. The look on his face wasn't surprised in the very least; no, it was anger. Unbelievable anger. He turned his head to Johnny, eyes blazing with red. "Now, look what you've done..."

The other man raised a thin eyebrow. "What exactly have I done to make you lose your arm? I haven't even sliced it off yet."

Nose and lip bleeding, JOHNNY growled, "You're ruining everything! Why couldn't you have just disappeared?! You were just supposed to wither away and die, and you couldn't even do that!!"

Johnny just stared.

"Agh! Dammit!" JOHNNY stood, picking back up his knife. "I can't take it anymore! I'm going to fucking rip you apart, you fucking freak!" He moved quickly, the blade flashing violently, and aimed directly for Johnny's face.

The knife fell to the ground, clanking hard against the ground.

Johnny watched as his other self hit the ground hard, his thrown blade digging hard into the other man's ribs. JOHNNY's right leg was quick to vanish from all existence.

Johnny gave a small smile, picking up JOHNNY's fallen knife and waving it around mockingly. "I understand now. It's all so clear to me."

JOHNNY glared from his heap on the ground. "The more control I regain from you, the more you disappear. Within a few moments, you'll be nothing more than a pathetic torso," Johnny declared, walking over. JOHNNY rolled over on his stomach and promptly groaned in response.

"Damn, of all the defects I've come across in my day, you have got to be the absolute saddest being I've ever seen," Johnny remarked, unable to keep himself from chuckling. He knelt down next to JOHNNY, that unremorseful look in his eyes, and plunged the knife down into his back.

JOHNNY screamed again, trying with all his feeble efforts to grab at his tormenter with his remaining arm, but did not prevail. His arm quivered and quickly disappeared. He wriggled beneath the knife, screaming and screeching as loud as he could manage before Johnny gave in and kicked him in the ribs.

"Ew, that's kind of disgusting..." Johnny muttered, making a face. "Now, if I had torn off you're limbs, I probably wouldn't be as grossed out...God, that's disturbing.... Soon you'll just be some kind of rolling head."

JOHNNY lay there, still squirming and screaming, until finally, Johnny removed the knife and hoisted him up by the front of his shirt. He tore the knife out from his ribs and tossed it away.

"How could this have happened? I came so far...." JOHNNY murmured. "But, perhaps there is still hope..." That said, he leaned forward, slamming his forehead into Johnny's face. Johnny's wailed in pain, instantly dropping what was left of his attacker, and fell backwards to the ground.

He slammed his head against the ground and a blaze of white overtook his vision for a single moment.. In that time, the knife that had been in his hand skidded across the ground into the dark and he felt a hand grab at his own collar.

Johnny opened his eyes slightly, coming face to face with his evil twin, who had suddenly regenerated his lost left arm and straddled him with his only leg. Johnny lay, clearly stunned; the other man, JOHNNY, as he giggled and panted, slapped him hard in the cheek, and watched happily as dear Johnny's arm disappeared.

"You honestly thought you could win, didn't you, Nny?" JOHNNY asked, rather pleased with himself. "Foolish, foolish, foolish lies you tell yourself. I gave you a chance, remember? You could've given up, but no. You had to try to be the hero....of all the fucking stupidest things in the world, our wonderful murderous Nny here thought he could be the hero for once, instead of the ever unpopular villain...." He leaned forward, so that they were touching noses. "You lost."

"This can't be..."Johnny told himself softly in disbelief. "this just doesn't seem right...I'm not supposed to die...all those times I tried to kill myself, and THIS is the one time I end up losing my life?! When someone else kills me?! What the fuck...?"

JOHNNY grinned, paying no mind to the other man's ranting, and pulled out an oddly familiar knife. "Oooh. How pleasant...I get to destroy you with your own weapon. You thought you lost it, didn't you? No, I saved it. Just for you. You see," he explained, "this is no ordinary knife, Nny. Its one of the knives you tried to kill Devi with at you house. She gets to have her revenge through me, and stab you right in your fucking empty heart. Now, doesn't that sound nice?"

Johnny didn't bother to respond. He closed his eyes in defeat, and turned his head sideways. JOHNNY's limbs had returned and any hope the skinny being once had was gone. He sighed heavily, all of his thoughts ceasing to exist as he lay them all to rest.

Oh come on, Johnny! Wake up!

His eyes snapped open.

Please...Don't die... Mommy and Daddy are gone now...

Who? Who were they, these voices that screamed out in his head? They seemed so distant yet so close,; so familiar, but at the same time, unrecognizable. He felt his heart begin to pound in his chest, unable to stop its rapid thumping.

You have to get up! Do it for Todd! I don't know what to do!

Could it truly be them? Was he hearing their voices, or their thoughts? Could it be a joke the last of his mind was playing on him?

JOHNNY raised the blade into the air, running his tongue over his lip. His eyes flashed with the impending murder he would create, and he finally spoke, "This is the end for you, Johnny. All that hard work; I finally get what I deserve."

You're all I gots left...

"No. Dammit, there's nothing I can possibly do now."

I hate you, but he needs you.

The rage built up inside; his muscles tensed, his heart pounded, and the world around him turned red.

Please, don't leave me all alone...

JOHNNY screamed as he brought the knife down towards Johnny 's head, but his actions were suddenly stopped.

Johnny's hand lashed out, grabbing hold of the offender's wrist. His missing arm reappeared and he caught the knife before it could hit the ground, gracefully throwing JOHNNY off of him. JOHNNY skidded across the ground, watching as his twin stood up and walked over to him.

His eyes were burning, his face was twisted in the most intimidating scowl. He grabbed JOHNNY once more by the collar of his shirt and hoisted him up so that they were face to face again. JOHNNY stared through fearful eyes, holding onto Johnny's cloth-gripping hand, as if that would force him to let go. However, it did not.

There was a long, uncomfortable silence, the only thing that could be hear being a raspy, spastic breathing, coming from none other than JOHNNY.

"What was I thinking?" Johnny broke through the deafening quiet, voice solemn and sorrowful . "This is all my fault. And I know it is. But I have the power to stop this. Knowing that things will be the way they were before: Myself, alone and monstrous; Squee, constantly scared, misled and uncared for; and Devi....my wonderful Devi: fearful of everything on the outside. All of that makes me wish I would be the one to die instead of you. So that I wouldn't have to see it all. So I wouldn't have to live it."

JOHNNY tried to force a smile. Perhaps he wouldn't die this day....

"Then I remember the kind of pain you wish to inflict on them." the skinny man continued. "And that's why I can't be the one to die. Besides, its not as if killing someone would be a new thing for me. A much as I wish it were."

JOHNNY raised his hands in a last minute plea. "No, Nny! I'll make a deal with you! If-if you let me live, I'll tell you how you came to be! I tell you what your life was like before all of this! Before you came into this shit-filled house and killed all of those shit-filled people and fed that damned wall!! I can show you, Nny!"

Johnny shook his head. "I've wanted to know for as long as I can remember, but if it means letting you live, then I'm afraid I must decline. You're just too dangerous."

"NO! NNY! DON'T!!"

Johnny shoved the blade into JOHNNY's sweaty forehead with a grunt, and forced it down into his face, slicing it all in half. He pulled it down from where it had stopped, halfway stuck in JOHNNY's chin, and forced it into the center of the victim's neck, pulling it out sideways. He watched as the neck fell against the body's shoulder, and JOHNNY convulsed and bled in his tight grip.

Johnny dropped the bleeding mass against the ground, forcing the knife into its chest, and tearing open, as he had done to the boy, Jimmy. He tore the flesh even more afterwards, all the way down to the stomach, and tore out a few bits and pieces, intestines and such, casting them aside.

That done, he sank to his knees, his eyes scanning over his latest piece of art.

As he sat there, watching the body twitch and spasm, he felt a tear grace his cheek, and quickly wiped it away. His skin felt so cold, his insides felt as if they were on fire; it all felt so strange, he couldn't quite explain the feeling.

After what seemed like hours, it had only been just a few seconds. JOHNNY was laying on the ground, moving slightly in his involuntary spasms, in a pool of dark red. But Johnny could feel no pity.

Standing up, the man dropped the weapon to the ground, hearing its metal rupture the spot, and began to walk away. He turned around only once, seeing the body stretch out its hand towards him, and then fall.

JOHNNY had stopped moving.

...............................................................................

A/N: Almost done. Sorry if this chapter seemed shitty to you. But I did it my way and nothing's going to change that.

'Um' doesn't actually qualify as a word. At least not to me.

I don't know if any of this is possible, but it's my world right now, so shut up and enjoy it . ;)