I spent the night in my half unpacked apartment thinking about what I had left behind. I had left behind a beautiful woman pregnant with my beautiful daughter. I reasoned that I didn't know; I reasoned that there was no way I would have been a good father to Calleigh. I reasoned that I needed some time to grow up. It was a little hard to swallow that at 33 years old I still needed an additional five years to grow up. I wondered how the hell I could just walk into this little girl's life and turn it upside down. Nigel and Jordan gave her a family; they gave her all the love they had. They built a family that went through everything together. I wasn't a part of that family; I wondered if it was fair for me to break up that family. She called him 'daddy.' I didn't know what Calleigh would call me. I wondered if it was far too late for me to walk back into their lives. My things were still in boxes; I could easily steal away into the night and disappear. I could never come home again, but Boston would always be home . . . it was where Jordan and Calleigh were. Home was right behind me the entire time; I was just too damn dumb to figure that out.

It was eight in the morning; I had barely gotten any sleep. I hadn't bothered to change out of the clothes I was wearing last night. I could still smell her on my shirt. I had a hard time parting with the clothing. I stared out the window at Boston. I missed the New England city. Milwaukee could never replace what I had in Boston; I was stupid to think that it could.

I began to unpack the boxes littering the living room. I began to put together my kitchen. I was surprised to hear someone knocking at my door. It was Dr. Macy; I wondered how the hell he managed to track me down. Sydney must have tipped him off that I was alone with Jordan last night.

"Why did you come back? Why did you have to come back after things started to get better?" Dr. Macy asked. I waved him in to my apartment to avoid the developing scene in the hallway. The walls were paper thin; I could hear the couple next door copulating last night. The neighbors would probably be privy to this conversation even if they didn't want to be. It was one hell of a way to get to know your neighbors.

"I didn't know," I replied. I was sure that he would just love to hear the story about Sara; I'm sure that he would probably relish the fact that I had suffered. God knows I made Jordan suffer.

"She fought like hell to find you. Nigel and I were convinced that she was going to kill herself because she thought you rejected her. It's not easy for Jordan to make herself vulnerable . . . last time she did, she wound up pregnant and alone," Dr. Macy said. He raised his voice; the veins in his forehead began to pop out. I understood; if I were in his shoes, I would be pissed at me too. Sometimes, I was pissed at myself for just being.

"I didn't know," I repeated.

"Don't you dare break up that family. Don't you dare play into Jordan's vulnerabilities," Macy warned. I had become the monster in everyone's eyes.

"She's my daughter . . . I can't just walk away from her," I replied.

"Daughter by biology is a very different thing from daughter by emotion and love. Nigel loves Calleigh . . . he's done everything to give that little girl a home. Your genetics don't mean a damn thing in that house," Macy replied. His voice was still raised; I half expected him to strike me. I had never seen him so close to losing his temper. I wanted to say something to the effect that I have grown as a person, but I wasn't sure if that was at all truthful. I was just beginning to figure out my motivations and my needs.

"I just want to know her . . . it's really up to Jordan what happens," I commented. That was probably the wrong thing to say. Dr. Macy just wanted me to leave; he was under the assumption that I should be the one to act. I was under the assumption that Jordan could still make decisions for herself. I'm sure in reality both assumptions were blurred; Jordan and Nigel formed a family that made decisions together . . . I had little if any say in any of their business.

"If you do become a part of Calleigh's life, I will personally kill you if you do anything to hurt her or Jordan. I'm not kidding . . . I promised Max that I would always watch over his girls. Don't screw around with them, Woody," Macy replied as he turned to leave.

"So you really want her to be in a loveless relationship for the rest of her life?" I asked. I hadn't really intended to say it, but in the heat of the moment I was again proving my stupidity. Dr. Macy turned to look at me.

"She's doing what's right for her daughter . . . it's because of you that Jordan had to give up that luxury," Macy said as he slammed my front door. The neighbors promptly started beating on the walls informing me that they would like me to shut up. I wondered if it was really my fault that Jordan was in a loveless relationship; it very well could be . . . I wouldn't count it out as a possibility.

I showered and changed. It felt good to stand under the scalding hot water; for a few moments I didn't feel the anger and hurt. For a few moments I think I even forgot about the mess I left behind in Boston.

I found the pill bottle in the bottom of my carry-on bag. I pulled out two of the tiny white pills. Some days the only reason I got out of bed was because of the Prozac. I had started taking anti-depressant three weeks after getting to Milwaukee. I went to the doctor complaining of stomach aches and lethargy. After an endoscope and what seemed like an endless number of blood tests, the doctor said that I was depressed and these little white pills would make me feel better. I wasn't sure if I ever really felt better. I never did feel better; I knew what I was missing . . . I knew what I had lost. I wondered if every other ex-boyfriend felt the same decimating anguish after they left Jordan. My sadness was nearly crippling; it took months for me to finally begin to open myself enough to forge some relationships in Milwaukee. It took forever for me to even begin to think about dating again. I set myself up for defeat; I always compare women to Jordan. I guess if I couldn't have her, I wouldn't have anyone.

I wanted to buy something for Calleigh; I knew to everyone else it would appear as though I was trying to buy the child's love, but I reasoned that I should give her something. I wanted her to have something from me that would always be with her. I had no idea what to buy for a four year old; I wouldn't have had any idea of what to buy a child of any age. I had to remind myself that just because I was a father didn't mean that I was a parent . . . Macy made that entirely too clear.

I wandered the streets of downtown Boston. It was quickly approaching noon. I walked in several toy stores and book stores. I found nothing. There wasn't anything that I wanted to give my daughter . . . nothing was special enough. I walked into the last store on the block; I hadn't bothered to even look at the sign before entering. It was a jewelry store; it sounded like a good idea . . . Calleigh appeared to be all girl . . . so much unlike her mother. I wondered if it was okay to buy my daughter jewelry even if I never bought her mother jewelry.

"How can I help you?" a young saleswoman asked me. That probably wasn't the right question to ask because I needed a lot of help in so many different areas of my life.

"I need to find something special for my four year old daughter," I replied.

"Four year old?" the young woman asked looking very confused. I knew that it probably wasn't customary to buy a young child expensive jewelry.

"She's only going to turn four once," I replied. Well, she already had a series of birthdays that I missed; this gift needed to be damn special. The saleswoman smiled. She looked at me as if I was a wonderful father; she was about as far from the truth as possible.

I finally decided on a simple gold necklace with an amethyst pendant. The amethyst was heart shaped; it was her birthstone . . . it also made me hopeful that someday I might have some place in her heart. I watched the saleswoman wrap the small package. I hoped that Jordan wouldn't be mad at me for spending so much on Calleigh, but I reasoned that Jordan didn't really have any say in my finances. It was stupid to think that because I did wish that she was mine. I wished that Jordan would go back to dominating every aspect of my life; I even wished that she would entangle me in her quest to find truth in the past. This was the first time in five years that I wished I could turn back the clock.

I stood outside the Pogue for more than a few minutes. I didn't want to go in; I didn't want to be in a room where I was judged for all my ill-conceived choices. They would never really understand why I did the things that I did; they would never understand that I needed to medicate myself to deal with the consequences of my actions.

I took a deep breath and walked in. I always hated it when rooms quieted when you enter them. I knew that I was probably the hot topic of conversation. I wished that I could explain, but my explanation would do nothing more than bring back the painful memories that I tried so hard to avoid.

"Woody, haven't seen you in a long time," Bug commented. I was surprised that out of all the people in the bar he was the first one to talk to me.

"It has been a long time. I know it's been a long time passed, but congratulations . . . I'm really happy for you and Lily," I replied.

"We got your card," Bug replied. It was an awkward response to an awkward statement.

"Woody, you're back," Lily said as she hugged me. I was so glad that I could still count on her kindness.

"Wow, congratulations," I said as Lily stepped back. She was huge; I wondered if Jordan looked like that when she was pregnant.

"Seven months . . . we've finally hit the home stretch," Lily said with a smile. Even when she was pregnant, she was beautiful . . . she was happy. I watched the way that she rested her hands on her swollen stomach. It made me sad that I wasn't there to feel Calleigh kick; I would have even been happy to suffer through the morning sickness with Jordan. God knows I'm a sympathy vomiter.

"I didn't think you'd be here," Eddie said as he walked up behind me.

"Jordan invited me last night," I replied. I could see Bug shake his head. They acted as if my return was the beginning of all the Doomsday events. I was thankful that Eddie was oblivious enough to not realize that Calleigh was my daughter. I didn't need his questions or disdain.

"So when is the belle of the ball going to be here?" Eddie asked Bug and Lily.

"A couple minutes . . . you know how Jordan is about being on time. I'm sure that she's having a heart attack because they are a few minutes late," Lily replied. I sure as hell didn't remember Jordan being like that; so much changes in five years.

"Well, I can't stay too much longer . . . Calleigh still makes me promise to go catch the bad guys every night," Eddie replied.

"She's really latched on to that stage of dichotomous thinking . . . black and white . . . right and wrong," Lily commented. I guessed I would probably fall under the column of bad . . . bad parent . . . bad friend . . . I knew I could probably come up with a dozen more things.

I was relieved that Jordan and Nigel showed up with Calleigh. The little girl seemed to revel in all the attention. She was beautiful; I couldn't think of a better word to describe her. Her hair was only half pulled back letting the curls cascade down her back. She wore a purple velvet dress, white tights, and black Mary Jane shoes. She immediately ran to Dr. Macy. He must have been serving as the surrogate grandfather. Dr. Macy's daughter and what I assumed was her husband began to lavish attention on the little girl.

"You came," Jordan said with a smile. I was surprised that she was happy that I was here. I wondered if she was only happy because her daughter was happy.

"You know I think I missed enough of these," I replied. I knew my smile probably looked awkward.

"You did," Jordan replied, "Nigel and I wanted to talk with you after everything settles down and Calleigh is distracted." I understood that she didn't want her daughter to be an active witness to the conversation.

"Sure. Um . . . I got this for Calleigh. I thought she would like something special . . . it's probably too much for a four year old, but you know. You don't have to give it to her now . . . it's probably something she would appreciate more when she's older," I rambled. Jordan smiled.

"You didn't get her a gun, did you?" Jordan joked as she accepted the box. I hated how we always fell back into this comfortable banter; it always made leaving her harder. I would have almost preferred hatred.

"No . . . no . . . ," I replied. I scrambled to find the words. Jordan laughed. I remembered how much she loved to put me on the spot.

"Mommy, when do I get to open presents?" Calleigh asked as she pulled on Jordan's pant leg to get a suitable amount of attention.

"Soon . . . soon. Did you go say hi to Lily and Bug?" Jordan asked. Calleigh violently nodded her head yes; I couldn't help but to smile as her.

"You're Uncle Eddie's friend . . . you're a cop too," Calleigh said pointedly as she motioned for Jordan to pick her up. I didn't know the proper response to this question; I really wanted to tell her that I'm her father, but I restrained.

"Calleigh, I'm Woody. I used to know your Mom and Dad a long time ago . . . before you were born," I replied. Jordan nodded approvingly.

"You look sad. What are you sad about?" Calleigh asked. I wondered who she got that sense of observation from . . . it could have easily been Jordan or me. I was the one that was more likely to call people on their emotions. I was sad . . . I was sad that I couldn't even reach out to hold my own daughter. I was sad that I hadn't been an active part of her life; I was sad that I was so easily replaced by another man.

Calleigh, I have a million things to be sad about . . . you are far too young to hear about them, but I'm saddest because you don't have any idea as to who I am or what I should mean to you, I thought.

"I'm not sad . . . I'm just very tired," I lied. Calleigh didn't seem convinced by the answer; I wondered how a four year old could be so much smart than a man that was thirty-three years her senior.

"Are you going to help Uncle Eddie catch bad guys?" Calleigh asked.

"On Monday . . . I'm going to catch as many bad guys as I can," I replied. Calleigh crawled out of her mother's arms just as quickly as she had crawled into them. She ran off to find Abby; Jordan said that Abby always would do Calleigh's hair.

"I'm sorry. It must be hard," Jordan said. She would never know what I was struggling with.

"I shouldn't be here . . . she's happy and healthy . . . she has no idea who I am. I don't think I can torture myself anymore," I said with a sigh. I wasn't a part of this girl's life; I probably never would be. I watched Calleigh jump into Nigel's arms. I watched him twirl her around. I was just torturing myself by being here.

"I'll understand if you go . . . I'm sorry. I didn't mean to dangle her in front of you like that," Jordan replied, "It was good to see you again . . . I don't think you'll ever fool anyone with that answer . . . you know, if someone asks if you are sad."

"Before I go . . . can you just tell me your decision?" I asked as I began to put on my coat. Jordan paused and sighed. It couldn't possibly good news.

"Woody, we don't know . . . we don't know if you are serious about wanting to be a permanent part of her life. We don't even know if we can trust you. I don't want you to walk out of her life if your life gets too tough. The running stops once you start a relationship with Calleigh . . . your needs come second to hers. It's a commitment. It's not one that I take lightly," Jordan replied. I wished she could have saved the lecture for another time.

"Are you okay, Love," Nigel asked as he came up behind Jordan. She seemed comfortable as he put his hands on her hips. She leaned back into him a little bit. Jordan seemed to relax in his arms. I wondered exactly what the boundaries of their relationship were; I wondered if I was right about Jordan being in a loveless relationship. Looking at them now, I knew there was the distinct possibility that I was wrong . . . I was very wrong.

"We're fine . . . don't worry so much," Jordan replied.

"What comes next?" I asked.

"I don't really know . . . let's just play it by ear," Jordan replied.

"Just remember that Calleigh isn't someone that you can just walk away from . . . ," Nigel said. I didn't dare admit how I was captivated by the young girl. This was the first time that I was really interested in making a commitment; even if I couldn't have Jordan, I wanted to be part of our daughter's life. Family was important; I didn't realize that until I went back to Wisconsin and found that it was my family that once made the state special. Without Cal, my brother . . . my last living relative, the state held no significance. I wanted something significant in my life.

"I don't think I could . . . I don't think I want to," I replied.

"Woody, you can turn my life upside down, but please be gentle with Calleigh," Jordan replied. I saw how worried she looked; I wondered if she would be surprised that I spent well over three hours looking for a birthday present for Calleigh. I wondered if that was a start on what looked like a long road of redemption.

"Woodrow, you should stay . . . she's only going to turn four once," Nigel replied. At that moment, I wished that I was even half the man he was. All I could do was nod and watch a perfect little girl trying to teach Dr. Macy how to play pat-a-cake. I would never fool anyone into thinking that I was happy . . . I was probably the saddest man on Earth.