And don't worry, all you S/J fans, please keep with me, don't worry its coming
If I didn't already feel bad, then I would have probably already thrown up.
When people say life changes, things happen for a reason… they can go to hell.
This sucks.
Why is it always me that this happens too? Can I ask that question because I really want to know.
Why does everyone I care about always die?
This is really getting old!
I need to go find Janet, but I don't want to go outside this room looking like this.
God my stomach is killing me.
I have to know what's going on with the rescue mission, but that can wait.
A few minutes later Janet knocks on my door. All she has to do is look at me to know something is seriously wrong.
"Sam…Sam what happened? Are you okay?"
"I just…just got a phone call from….the…Denver Police…"
"Sam, it's okay, take a deep breath and tell me…I am right here for you." She said as she sat down next to me on my bed.
"Pete….he got shot yesterday…." I took her hands in mine, "He…he died last night in surgery."
"Oh Sam, I am so sorry." Janet pulls me into a hug and we sit there for a few minutes just crying.
"They said there was nothing they could have done."
"I am sure they tried everything they could of for him Sam."
"Yeah."
Ow!
"Sam?" Janet looks at me strangely.
"My stomach really hurts Janet."
"Show me where Sam."
So I did, and then she took me to the infirmary. Great! Just what I need to be somewhere public, when all I want to do is sit in a corner and cry.
By the time I made it to the infirmary I was wishing for one of those wheel chairs, I barely could walk.
Which just made me cry more.
God what did I ever do to deserve this?
When she had me in a bed, curtains drawn, she told me she was going to give me a mild sedative to help me rest, and hook me up to an IV.
I know I haven't been taking care of myself these last few days, but with everything that has been going on? How could anyone?
And now this, the life I wanted so badly, with a man I loved, was ripped away from me.
I don't want to have anything to do with anything right now; all I want to do is wallow in my self pity and not have a care in the world.
I don't even want to talk with anyone.
I want my life back, and that is never going to happen.
And to top it off I have a life inside me, that is already…I don't know, I want to say changing me, hindering me, complicating things…
Maybe if I wasn't pregnant, Pete wouldn't have been killed and the General wouldn't have been captured…
But that is cold, the baby didn't do anything to cause these problems, it's just here.
And I don't want to think that because there is no doubt in my mind that I would keep her and love her.
God what is wrong with me?
I am starting to feel really sleepy right now, Janet just came over to see how I was doing, and that she called in a specialist from the Academy to visit me in the morning.
She must be concerned.
Daniel is just a few beds down from me, the curtains are drawn so I can see him, but every now and then I hear them talking quietly.
I really need sleep.
Maybe when I wake up things will be all better?
I can't believe I slept through clear till morning, I have never slept that good unless I was injured, what did Janet give me last night?
I can hear people talking around me, but I am not awake enough to focus on them. I think one is my dad.
"Dad" I call out.
"Morning Sammy, I am here."
"What's going on?" My voice is raspy from sleep.
"The doctor from the Academy is here to see you, they are going to run a few tests and see what's wrong."
"What do you mean what's wrong?"
"Sam you have been bleeding pretty steady since sometime in the middle of the night."
Oh no, what have I done?
oooOOOOooo
The morning went by pretty quickly, I was shuffled from one test to another, everyone seemed to be talking about me as if I wasn't there.
Walking on eggshells is more like it.
Someone from Pete's department called me and wanted to start the funeral preparations, which was fine, as much as I wanted to do it myself, I can't right now.
I can't even get out of bed by myself.
I think I have gone into a slight bout of depression; I haven't spoken to anyone since I got the news about Pete.
Which mind you is all my fault.
If I hadn't gotten pregnant, than Pete might have come home.
He died and it's my fault.
I lost another person whom I loved in my life.
What is so wrong with me?
Can't I find someone to love, and said person to love me back, and both of us be alive?
God this is all my fault.
I want my fiancé back. I want my life back.
Why won't any of my friends talk to me?
All I want to do is cry all the time.
I hate this waiting, waiting for the results, waiting for the funeral, that I might not even able to attend, waiting waiting and waiting.
Waiting for the next life to end.
The doctor spoke to me a few minutes ago; he said that my stress level is over the top, that I have cysts growing on my ovaries, which is the main reason I have been bleeding constantly.
He told me there is no way they can remove them unless it is a last resort.
And I have to stay off my feet. No moving, no walking, no work, no funeral, no stress, no nothing.
Great!
I can't even work now, the one thing that I can use to escape, I can't even do.
What is the General going to say now?
Oh that's right, he's stuck on some planet, with the one person who killed him over and over just for amusement, and that is also my fault.
I wasn't there to back him up to keep him safe.
I wasn't doing my job.
I let him down too.
I just let him down, let my so called need for some sort of normal life cost him his own life.
And I could cost the innocent life I carry inside me as well.
For what?
God how pathetic and I?
I used to think that I had everything in my life, that life in the military was all I ever needed to get anything I ever wanted.
Was I wrong or what.
So here I sit in the infirmary, no one will talk to me, I can't go anywhere, full bed rest.
And if the bleeding doesn't stop, well the worst part is I will lose the baby.
Janet has left to speak with the Doctor and its just be and Daniel in the infirmary right now. I am lying on my side not looking at him.
Why would he want to talk to me anyway?
"Sam?"
I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to talk to him.
"Sam, I know you are awake…"
Damn.
"Sam, please you need to talk to someone, I am worried about you."
Oh please Daniel how can you be worried about me?
"Don't be worried Daniel."
"I am Sam. You haven't spoken to anyone since this happened, it's a classic case of depression."
"So what Daniel."
"Please…talk to me Sam."
I roll over and look over at Daniel. I am in no mood for this right now.
"What do you want me to say Daniel, I got my fiancé killed, one of best friends is first not talking to me, thinks I hate him and the kicker, I might lose the last real chance at happiness that I could ever have."
"Sam, you know that's to true."
"Yes it is Daniel. And all I have to do is not move, to stay in bed for oh what 9 months or so."
He is quiet, that's what I thought, he didn't know what to say to me.
No one does.
"I mean look at you, you get injured and come home to someone who loves you, hell she can even fix it. Me, I have no one now."
"It's not like that Sam. We are just trying to help you, but we don't know how. It's like you won't let us in."
In a way I know he's partly right, I don't want anyone else to get hurt.
"Daniel…I…I just don't want anyone else to get hurt. That's all anyone ever gets around me."
"No Sam…"
"Yes Daniel, it has to end someplace, sometime. You have something great with Janet, something that could turn into the best thing in your entire life Daniel. I am not going to be the one to take that away from you."
"You have us Sam, we aren't going anywhere."
"No offence Daniel, but I don't want to be the third wheel."
"That would never happen."
"Yes it would Daniel, how would the three of us go out to those romantic restaurants together, you and Janet go to the dance floor and what have me sit there alone at the table?"
"Of course not…"
"Then what is it Daniel because I can't really see anything else."
"Sam please, we all love you here, we would be here for you through think and thin."
I don't answer him, I can't, suddenly this searing pain rips through me and I scream out in pain.