I spent seven days fighting the limitations of my own body. I pushed myself harder than the doctors or physical therapists desired, but they couldn't argue with results. The pins came out of my leg and my arm. First, I learned to explore the world in a wheelchair, but I grew tired of the dependence on other people. By Friday, I was using a cane. My casts were replaced with braces. My mobility had been greatly restored. It hurt so much I often found myself wanting to scream, but I pushed onward.
On Wednesday, I gave in and called my brother. Cal was in Boston on Friday to take me home. My only request was that Cal take me somewhere where I could get a real meal. Cal told me that I was a moron; well, he used much more vulgar terms after I told him the extent of my stupidity. He loaded me and an extensive amount of medical equipment into a compact rental car that didn't feel much larger than the bed that I was trapped in for the entire week. He drove me home . . . an empty, half unpacked apartment on a street close to Pearle Street.
Cal unpacked my apartment. He was going to be staying for the better part of two weeks. Cal had talked his boss into giving him all his vacation days at once. Cal was a charmer; he charmed males and females alike. He had an openness about him that I never could quite master. I was jealous of that. If I had just been honest in the first place, I probably wouldn't have found myself in the position that I am today.
I told Cal about Calleigh. I told him about Nigel and Jordan. I told him that I wanted to know my daughter; I asked him if it was selfish for me to want to be a father at the expense of Nigel's death. Cal tried to reassure me that I didn't wish for Nigel to die, but part of me would always wonder if I did. Cal wanted to meet Jordan . . . he wanted to meet his niece. They were stopping by this afternoon while the hospice nurse was with Nigel.
Jordan had called me several times prior to my release from the rehabilitation facility. She said things were progressing faster than either Nigel or her expected. She said that Calleigh was hurting; she said that Calleigh would crawl in bed next to Nigel in the wee hours of the morning. Jordan would find her there every morning; every morning, Calliegh would ask Nigel to please get better. Jordan said that Calleigh had begun to ask for me; she said she wasn't sure what brought it on, but Calleigh would ask to see me. I wanted to see her so badly. The last week had been the longest week of my life.
Cal took me back to the apartment. He disappeared to find something for us to eat. I struggled to shower and change into normal clothes . . . something that didn't leave my ass exposed for the world to see. Today, would be the first day in over a month that my body would not be violated by the hands of another. It felt good to cleanse myself; I swore to myself that I would never have another sponge bath. I would never be so dependent again.
There was knocking at the door. I struggled to make it to the door in a timely fashion. I figured Cal had forgotten to grab my keys. He had always been forgetful like that.
"God, you look good," Jordan said as she hugged me. Calleigh was annoyed that she had to wait her turn. Jordan reminded her to be gentle with me.
Jordan looked so different. She looked scattered and tired. She collapsed on my couch, while I tried to sit comfortably in an arm chair. Calleigh quickly found her way on to my lap. Calleigh quickly began to tell me about school. I swore that I even heard her say that she missed me. That was all it took for me to get butterflies in my stomach and to make my heart flutter.
Cal burst through the door with two large bags of food. He said that he hoped clam chowder, fish, and chips were fine. I laughed at him for embracing New England as he did. I introduced him to Jordan and Calleigh. I could see how fascinated he was with my daughter. His eyes would glimmer the same way I imagined mine did when Calleigh was near me. Jordan helped Cal get all the food situated in the kitchen. I was pleased to have a few moments alone with Calleigh.
"My daddy is going to die," Calleigh said as she rested her head against my shoulder much as her mother did a week ago. I held her close to me. Her words weakened me. They made me want to cry for all the pain in her life.
"Your daddy is very sick. He's going to go to heaven where he won't be sick anymore," I replied. I didn't know how to say it.
"I don't want him to go. I want him to stay with me," Calleigh replied. She clung to me a little bit tighter.
"I know you don't want him to go, but he'll always be with you. From heaven, he'll be able to watch over you every second of the day," I replied as I ran my fingers through her curly chestnut hair.
"How do you know?" Calleigh asked.
"My Mom and Dad are up in heaven. My Mom was sick the same way your Dad is sick. I know she's happier now that she isn't sick anymore," I replied.
"Really?" Calleigh asked. She didn't sound at all convinced.
"Really. Do you know the story of Orion?" I asked her. She had pointed Orion out to me one night while I was still in the hospital.
"No," she replied.
"Orion was a big, strong warrior, but he was hurt badly by a scorpion," I started. This felt so right. These few moments were my favorite moments. It was like the training wheels had been taken off and I had become a father.
"Uncle Bug taught me about scorpions. They have poison," Calleigh commented with renewed interest in what I was saying.
"Well, the scorpion had poisoned Orion. Orion was very sick and couldn't fight anymore. Zeus was one of the Gods that lived in the sky. Zeus saw that Orion was sick and couldn't fight anymore, so he took Orion from Earth and put him in the sky. In the sky, Orion could never be hurt by the scorpion again. In the sky, Orion wasn't sick anymore," I said. I began to choke on the words.
"So my daddy is like Orion? He's going to be put in the sky so he's not sick anymore?" Calleigh asked. I could feel her tears wet against my chest.
"He'll never be sick again. He'll be able to always see you," I replied. I could hear Jordan crying; it was a distinct soft cry. I couldn't see her, but I hoped that Cal was comforting her. 'My girls' both needed comfort right now. I held Calleigh until she was asleep. I held her a little bit tighter in an attempt to protect her from the world. I asked Cal to take her into the bedroom so she could nap quietly. Jordan sat on the couch.
"That was really nice . . . the stuff you said to her," Jordan said as she dried her eyes. Jordan looked like she had probably needed to hear those words as much as her daughter did.
"Are you going to be okay?" I asked. Jordan sat wringing her hands as if that would prevent her from crying again.
"I don't know. You know, I didn't believe you when you said that you wanted to be here for Calleigh and me. I'm so sorry I didn't believe you," Jordan replied.
"It's okay. I haven't done much lately to make you believe in me," I replied.
"I wish I would have known you like this five years ago," Jordan replied.
"I wish I would have been like this five years ago. A lot would be different," I replied, "You're tired. Why don't you go lay down next to Calleigh and take a nap?"
"Thank you, Woody," Jordan said as she stood up. She kissed my cheek. I wanted so much more than that, but that would be a long time off. I still had so much work to do to prove that Jordan never needed to doubt me again. Jordan went to rest. It looked like she hadn't gotten any sleep for weeks.
"She's beautiful, Wood," Cal said as he sat down where Jordan had been only moments ago.
"Both of them are," I replied.
"They are," Cal replied, "You've done a good thing. They'll always remember that."
Cal and I ate lunch silently. Cal handed me a handful of pills that were supposed to make me feel better; a painkiller, a muscle relaxant, an antibiotic, and an anti-depressant. The painkiller made me nauseated; the muscle relaxant made me sleep for hours on end. I didn't want to sleep until I knew Jordan and Calleigh were well rested. Cal promised to wake me up the minute either of them woke up.
Cal woke me up an hour later. He was carrying Calleigh. She was crying. Cal was desperately trying to calm her down. Cal said that Jordan was still sleeping. He placed Calleigh on my lap. I held her; that was the best I could do. I knew that was the best I could do right now. I held her until she fell back asleep; I struggled to stay awake. I struggled to take in every second. I struggled until I was overcome by sleep; my daughter still wrapped in my arms.
"Woody, Calleigh and I need to get going," Jordan whispered as she gently shook my shoulder.
"How long have I been sleeping?" I asked as I relinquished my grip on Calleigh.
"Two hours," Jordan replied as she brushed the hair off my forehead. She kissed my cheek. "We'll try to come by sometime soon."
"Thank you. Cal will walk you to your car. Take care of yourself. Let me know if you need anything," I said as I rested my hand on Jordan's arms.
"Woody, thank you. You're a great dad," Jordan said. Cal took Calleigh from her. Calleigh was heavy; far too heavy for Jordan to carry. I watched them leave; I wanted to yell for her to come back. I wanted to take care of them. It was five years later, but all those feelings that I tried to bury had come to the surface. I still loved her; I loved her more now that we had a child. I don't think that I ever loved anyone the way I loved Jordan. I remember being able to runaway from Annie with feeling like I left part of myself in Kewaunee. I ran away from Jordan and I felt like part of me was gone; I had left so much of myself with Jordan.
Seven days passed uneventfully. Cal and I established a comfortable routine. Each day seemed the same. Each day felt empty. Cal noticed my irritability; he was patient with me. He tried his hardest to anticipate what I needed much like I did for him after Dad died.
I would jump every time the telephone rang. I could feel my stomach sink to my knees every time someone knocked on the door. I immediately would think of Nigel; I would think about Calleigh and Jordan and wonder if they were okay.
The telephone call came late in the night. Cal answered the telephone and I could immediately tell from the tone of his voice that it was bad news. Dr. Macy had called late in the night. Cal and I were watching a basketball game. I was nodding off on the couch; I had found that the couch was the most comfortable place in the entire apartment. I remember the moment that Cal told me the news. I remember immediately wondering if Jordan and Calleigh were alright. I knew that they probably were not alright.
"Jordan's asking for you. Get ready . . . I'll drive you," Cal said as he pulled on a sweatshirt. I struggled to my feet; I pulled on my jacket. I firmly gripped my cane and allowed Cal to help me down the hallway to the elevator.
The ride seemed to take forever. Jordan hadn't changed much about Max's house; it was if five years had not gone by. Cal had to help me out of the compact car; for some strange reason he refused to drive my much larger sedan. Cal knocked on the door. Dr. Macy opened the door and ushered us in. He said that the funeral home came an hour ago. Nigel had passed away two hours ago.
Jordan was in the living room. She stood up when she saw me. Her eyes were red and her cheeks were puffy. She walked over to me. She wrapped her arms around my waist. Cal had to steady me; I whispered that it was going to be okay. I told her that I would take care of her. She said that she needed me. The truth was that I needed her just as much as she needed me.
Jordan told me that Calleigh needed me. Right now, she needed her father more than ever. Jordan said that Calleigh had finally fallen asleep. She asked me to stay for awhile. I told her that Cal and I would make sure that 'my girls' were taken care of. Jordan and Cal went to check on Calleigh. I tried to make my way through the maze on end tables and couches to sit down. Dr. Macy stood up to help me. Something in his face had softened.
"Make sure you take good care of her . . . take good care of both of them," Dr. Macy said, "How's your arm and leg?"
"Fine . . . I'm getting better. I'm not going anywhere . . . I don't think I could ever leave that little girl," I replied.
"Good because I don't think Jordan ever stopped loving you," Dr. Macy replied. We were interrupted by Cal and Jordan. I was glad that the uncomfortable conversation was over. I saw the way she looked at me; she was scared . . . she was tired . . . she was angry. I would have done anything to snap my fingers and make it all go away. I wanted nothing more than to make it all go away. I wished that things were that simple. I wondered why things were never simple.