It's not a bad dream, this is really happening to me.
My life is so far gone right now, I don't know what to do. I lost my baby, my fiancé is dead, and one of my best friends is still missing, along with my father and Teal'c who went to rescue said friend.
This is all my fault.
I can't believe that everyone is hurt or dying because of me.
I won't let anyone else around me... Janet is pissed to say the least. She keeps trying and trying, so does Daniel... Cassie even tried to get close.
Dr. Hanley says I can go home over the next few days, says I am doing a lot better physically, but he is concerned about my mental state.
I don't know why anyone is concerned.
No one should be, I just need to get out of here and be by myself.
General Hammond came back in light that General O'Neill is missing, and he gave me a few weeks downtime to recover.
I might take some time and just get away from here for a bit.
Pete's funeral is in a few days, I know I am going to that, then I will most likely just leave after that.
Janet and Daniel said they would go with me to the funeral. I told them they didn't have to, but I don't think they are going to listen to me.
No one from Pete's work has been in contact with me expect his boss telling me when the funeral was.
Do they think that little of me, are they taking the burden off of me since I lost the baby? Has Pete told them about me? If so what? I haven't really met anyone from his job before.
They probably don't know anything about me; I mean why would they want to anyway? I got one of their own killed, lost his baby... I am not a very strong person am I?
I am not even sure if I want to go in my uniform.
I have spoken to Janet about this. She said I should, she will too.
I don't know if I am worthy or not.
General Hammond came to see me today, said that he would recommend talking with Dr. Mackenzie at some point, and that he knew even though I didn't really approve of his ways, I would have to talk to him to get back on to active duty.
Figures.
He thinks I am nuts when I am okay, I can't image what he is going to think now.
A few days later
I got the okay to go to the funeral, as long as someone came with me. Janet and Daniel volunteered.
Like they wouldn't.
I am moving around a little better, although I have some pain still. Not that I would admit it though, I want out of that infirmary so bad it hurts.
I did get to go to Janet's last night, although I spent the night in her guest room.
I think she was a bit upset at that, but I just can't be around people, I don't want to hurt anymore people.
So here I stand in Janet's spare bedroom looking at my self in the mirror. I am dressed in my uniform, although I am not sure why all of a sudden I feel so uncomfortable in it now.
As I run my fingers over the ribbons wondering why I have so many, I was just doing my job, I don't deserve to wear them, there is a knock at my door, I know who it is... and I guess I better answer it before they knock it down.
"Sam...Sam are you ready?"
Yeah...about as ready as I am going to ever be. I look around the room, my bags are packed, I decided to leave when we get back from the funeral. I figure I will slip out sometime after the burial.
"I am coming." I open the door and see Janet in her uniform with Daniel behind her in a nice suit.
Okay its game time.
"Sam it's only been a few days, so if you don't feel well, please you have to tell me." Janet told me from the passenger seat of the car.
"I know, don't worry too much Janet, I will be fine."
"I worry Sam because we are friends, I don't want to see you hurting anymore."
"Janet there is nothing to worry about."
With a nod we leave for the funeral.
Do I really have to do this?
I owe him this much even it is a little to late.
As we pull up at the cemetery, I watch all the Denver P.D. uniforms, and wonder if I should even be here? I didn't know any of these people, and I doubt they knew me.
Janet opens my door as a signal I guess to get out of the car.
I do and slowly make my way to the crowd gathered there. I see there is the team for the gun salute, and many uniforms. I notice his mother and father sitting off to the side, well I think they are, I never met them.
I am okay to stand this far away...far away but still close.
Until his mother looks my way and jesters for me to come over.
"You must be Samantha."
"Yes Ma'am I am."
"I am Peter's mother, I know we have never met, but he talked about you a lot to me."
I just smile, I don't know what to say to her.
All I want to do is run.
"He loved you so much my dear, I want you to know that. He said that there were many secrets due to your work, but that he loved you anyway."
Oh god, I can't cry I can't cry.
"I loved him too."
She patted my arm and I stood up at the sound of the national anthem.
This was going to be a long ceremony, I have to bundle up every ounce of military bearing I have. Janet and Daniel are standing behind me, I can tell doing the same thing...well Janet is anyway.
When they hit the gun salute, I jumped at every single shot.
After the ceremony they wanted to know what I wanted to do, go home or go to the reception afterwards.
I wanted to go, go far far away.
Not that they had to know that.
So back to Janet's we went. I sat in the back seat, as I did before just staring out the window at the passing scenery.
The ride was made in silence.
Once we got back, Janet insisted on showering, and I decided that while she was in the shower and Daniel went for food, I would make my move.
Quickly I changed out of my uniform, hanging it neatly on the closet door, and grabbed my bags.
I was out the door in a matter of minutes; no one knew I had gone.
Daniel had arrived back in less than 30 minutes to find Janet still in the bathroom. He put the food on the counter and got out three place settings for dinner.
Once finished he went to find Janet and Sam.
Walking quietly up to the guest bedroom he knocked only to be received by silence, so he pushed the door open to be met by empty darkness.
"Sam? Sam are you in there?" As he walked in, he realized that she was not there.
"Janet, Sam's gone."
"Oh god!"