Oh god they are back.
My stomach is in knots, Janet told me I had to stay here in the infirmary, that if I left, she would send me to one of the isolation rooms.
Well I do not want to go there.
I want to be here.
I have to know if everyone is okay.
There are a lot of ifs.
But I have to know.
I can hear Janet shouting orders, wheels turning on the floors, all the commotion that goes along with teams that come home injured through the gate.
I am sitting here my back is bone straight, wringing my hands, my stomach is so tight, I might just throw up, all in anticipation of my friends coming into the infirmary.
I see a rush of nurses come through the door followed by a gurney, with what looks like Jack.
Oh god.
They move him to one of the beds down from me, I hear the usual one, two, three, and then they switch beds, he groans at the movement, as they move the gurney the curtains close around him.
From what I saw, jack is in bad shape, he is bruised and cut…and it is my entire fault.
My father comes through the door next and moves to go with Jack, but the nurses and Janet move him back and close the curtain.
"Dad"
"Sammy, are you okay?"
"Dad, what happened?"
"The typical escape from Ba'al, he had done things to Jack Sam, he is in bad shape."
He gives me a hug, "I am so glad you are okay."
"I am not really okay dad, I….I lost the baby, and…." I am crying now, and he pulls me into a hug, "I went into complications after losing the baby, and collapsed, Dad…I can't have children."
"Oh Sammy, I am so sorry."
"A wise man told me one time that there is a lesson to be learned in everything."
He smiles, remembering when he told me that right after mom died all those years ago.
"Did he now?"
"Yeah he did, I am just trying to find out 'what' that lesson is."
"It will come Sammy, don't push it."
"That's what Janet said too."
We are silent for a few minutes, just sitting and taking comfort in each others company when we heard Janet tell the nurses to bring him into the OR for surgery, we looked at each other, and he grabbed my hand to give me support when Daniel and Teal'c came into my little curtain made room.
"Hey Sam."
"ColonelCarter."
"Hey guys, have you heard anything yet, I mean I just heard them take him into surgery."
"No not yet."
"Sam he was really worked over, Ba'al, he did not take as much caution as he did the last time he had Jack."
"What did he do?"
"ColonelCarter, I am not sure if we should go into the details, it was quiet extensive."
I can only imagine what happened; they obviously won't tell me.
We sat there talking for a bit, I got a few more details about what actually went down.
They gad to gate to get a ship, then avoid a whole slue of jaffa warriors on another planet where they thought Ba'al was located, only to find him long gone.
I could tell this whole ordeal had taken a lot of energy and other things out of both my dad and Teal'c.
On of the nurses come in and tell them both to go get some rest, and that it was going to be a while, Jack went into surgery.
Great.
"I'll see you in a bit Sammy."
"Sure Dad." He gives me a quick kiss on my forehead and heads out of the infirmary.
"Stay well ColonelCarter."
"Bye Teal'c"
And then there were 2.
Daniel is still here with me, thank god, I think I would have gone nuts if I was here all alone.
"Jack will be okay Sam, you hve to believe that. He has pulled out of far worse before." "Not when it has been my entire fault Daniel."
"This is not your fault Sam."
"Yes it is, if I had been myself, and been able to go on that mission he would not have gotten captured, not had the stuff done to him that he did."
"No you are right, but it would have been you instead, and he would have gone after you to save you."
"I should have gone rescued him." I look down at my hands, he would have done the same for me, and I couldn't even do that for him.
God what kind of person am I?
"You couldn't have Sam, please don't blame yourself for his. There is no way you could have rescued him, especially after…"
"I would have tried Daniel."
"And where would that have gotten you? Killed? Back in the hospital worse then you already were?"
"But I would have tried Daniel, don't you see I failed my CO, I failed my…my friend…I failed my…"
"Sam you didn't fail anyone."
Didn't fail anyone?
"What?" Okay I am a little upset now, how can he say that?
"Sam, calm down…"
"How can you say I didn't fail anyone Daniel? How can you say that, I failed Pete, and look he's dead now, I failed my unborn child, and now I can't ever have any more children, and I failed Jack, and he is lying in there in surgery for god knows what, because of me. So yes Daniel, I failed."
I start to gather what little things I have with me, I can't be here, I am a failure to all my friends and family, all I want to do is go home.
"Sam listen to me." He grabs my arms for a moment, "Will you listen to me please?"
Okay Daniel, what do you have to say?
"Some things in life Sam, aren't meant to be, when we push and push for them because we want them so bad, life tends to push back."
"Are you telling me I wanted someone to love so bad I pushed Pete into death?"
"No, I am not saying that at all Sam, Pete got killed on the job, he had no control of that. That is not your fault Sam. What I am saying that is when you want something so bad, you will do everything you can do get it, even if it is the wrong thing."
"So you are saying that I wanted someone, and that even though they were the wrong person for me, I didn't care and went after them anyway. And his death was life saying no to me?"
"Something like that Sam."
"What about the baby, it didn't do anything to deserve what happened."
"You are right, and there was nothing that you could have done to change that either. So please try not to beat yourself up to much. You are alive; you have a second chance Sam."
We are quiet for a few moments, I want to ask a question, knowing he won't have the answer, but it's like I have to ask anyway. Weird huh?
"Then who is my 'someone' Daniel, because you know what I am not getting any younger here."
"Sometimes that 'someone is right under your nose."
"Like you and Janet?"
That thought brings a smile to his face.
"I love her, you know that right?"
"Yeah I do."
As if on queue, Janet moved the curtain aside and looked at his both.
He was out of surgery.