–- SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –-2004-07-06
"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis
Chapter Five: I'm Falling...
"From the satisfaction of desire there may arise, accompanying joy and as it were sheltering behind it, something not unlike despair." – Andre Gide.
Note: Intimacy warning ahead. Frank discussions and sexual content.
One day, I got a phone call from my housemate. "Hello? Oh, Lina, yeah? I was busy a few minutes ago, but the shop's empty now so I gotta minute. What's up?" I adjusted the phone to my other ear and listened.
"Zel had this idea, good one, and I figured I'd get you to put this on your new busy, full schedule now before you get home."
"Zel? Is he there?"
"Yep. So, the Slayers will play for Amelia's graduation party. It'll be at the mansion and be for most the graduating class. Pretty cool for the kid, huh?"
"Yeah, I bet Amelia will love it. You cleared it with her already?" I hoped.
"He did that first off. She was ecstatic."
"That's nice. Say, tell him I got the invite and will be at his art show opening party, okay?"
"Sure, everyone's gonna be there," Lina sighed.
I knew Lina had nothing to wear and I could use something more fashionable as well. "How about going shopping with me. We want to make the art critics in town know Zel-bob's got friends in high places."
That approach worked—more easily than I had expected. I had no idea that someone else had already 'sold his soul' to Lina to get her to buy something new and classy. "Yeah, sure. I'd knock'em dead in any dress, but I might as well do it in a new one."
(Note: Now that I think about this more, it might have been Amelia's graduation party or it probably was Kiki's the more I think about it. It's not relevant to my story, though, so I'll just move on. Zel-bob will know and correct me later, I'm sure.)
We all attended Zelgadiss' art show! Everyone was there dressed elegantly, but none more so than Lina. Heads turned when Lina passed by in a shimmery gold lame, ankle-length dress slit up her thigh. With her hair piled on top of her head and spilling down in lush curls around her neck, she looked like a flame or a fire cracker, but gorgeous. I nearly regretted having picked it out for her. Not that I didn't look striking myself in a filmy sea-green dress and my hair in a French knot. Sylphiel looked so thin and beautiful in a dark red, long, satin dress that I began to feel frumpy. When Xelloss' cast his gaze over me, though, I knew I was as gorgeous as anyone there. He hadn't even given Lina that look. Amelia, at least, looked smart and cute, but not competitive in a blue dress with a high neckline and long sleeves.
I have to tell you, tuxes make a vast improvement to nearly all men, even Val. Especially Xelloss. Zelgadiss looked stiff, like usual, but not uncomfortably so. He covered his nerves well and allowed Xelloss to give a speech and introduce him to the crowd of art critics. After that we paraded around looking at the pictures and sipping drinks.
Lina and Gourry hovered by the refreshments most of the time, while Amelia followed Zel around protectively. Zel and Amelia have this secret little hand-over-heart signal that they pass one another now. It's really cute and they think we don't notice it. Well, I'm not telling! Val and Sylphiel wandered together, leaving me to entertain Xelly-bean. Sorry to say that's about all I recall from that event. My mind was on my upcoming plans bringing another huge change in my life.
I know something else big happened about this time too, but I can't recall. Something's out of order, probably… Mr. Precision Zelgadiss will set you all straight later. It's the romance stuff that counts here. Oh my gods! Gourry and Sylphiel's wedding! But I already wrote about that! Oh well, I got things a bit confused and out of order. Just ignore all that. It's not important anyway. Pretend I didn't and now they just got married.
In June, when the Slayers band traditionally took a two-week break, I packed my bags and learned how to be a globe trotter, Xelly-style. Then we just continued going and going. Coming back or meeting the band for weekly practices and gigs. He was a peach, if that's a good thing. Everything was first class with him. Limos, fine hotels, four and five star restaurants, cruises. It was exhilarating. I loved it!
He took me to a fancy dress shop in Italy and bought me really artsy, spendy things he said were necessary for the kinds of places we might be seen. Nothing low-cut or sexy in that way; I discovered Xelloss preferred to 'use his mind's eye', or so he said. Actually, he told me that my being a high ranking priestess was a selling point (although whether it was for me or for him, I wasn't sure) and that I should stay within the 'template' of what was proper dress for a lady of standing in my clan. I got a little tired of his interference, but it was his money after all.
I also bought tons of art. Xelloss, I discovered had done his share of homework. He sought out experts in every country and hunted for bargains and unknowns with a sophistication beyond belief, well, my belief. He wore a suit and tie or did casual cool and always...always was the best-dressed, best looking man in the room. I was star-struck.
Xelly-bean, good friend that he was, also kept his other promise and introduced me to hand-picked 'possibilities', as he called them. Men from other Cepheid or occasionally Volphied clans who he thought might make me a suitable suitor. Right off the bat I told Xelloss not to bother bringing me dates who couldn't speak my language. I had studied the one year of Japanese, sure, but I wasn't good at languages at all. Not one of my talents. He could speak anything, it seemed. He told me that it would not be a problem and continued to deliver them to my door. Actually, each meeting began as a double date, Xelloss appearing with a different girl each time I changed men. If I approved of his choice for me, there might be a second date, usually without a Xelloss chaperone. There was rarely a third date and never a fourth. Regardless of how I felt about each man, none of them felt inclined to see much more of me. Passing friendships.
I grew weary as hell of passing friendships. By the end of the fall season, I told Xelloss not to go out of his way finding me dates any more, and by the winter I told him to give up. There was no man on the planet that would have me. This was true. What I didn't know was that it was not all my fault.
A little syndicate-related background is required before continuing. A very little, I PROMISE. After the musical, the syndicate was ripped apart and stripped of its everything. In a way. However, it had kind of a cult following, especially because of all its family interrelations. Gaav had long ago broken off from the main group and wasted away much of his inheritance and property, so although Val had a position and a vote on the Un-syndicate council-- as the others came to call it-- he hadn't much else to turn over into legitimate businesses. With some advice from Xelloss, he was out from under the syndicate shadow within two years after the musical. He still had the immense Ancient Clan wealth, so don't feel too sorry for him.
Zelgadiss had inherited the Great Red Priest's portion of the Cephied-Shabrinigdo inheritance pie, which he shared generously with his father. However, the bits of the syndicate via the Grauscherra Dynasty, which he had inherited from his mother, he wanted nothing to do with. He let Xelloss manage and un-bundle, and de-criminalize whichever businesses he thought best; Zel preferred to stay clean of any taint of the syndicate. Any gains he received were immediately donated to charity and friends, making him a much beloved and admired man in Seyruun. Aside from his flashy little sports car and the fact that he was one of few who actually paid for his entire college and medical school education, Zel lived modestly. (Oh yeah, all true but don't ask him to show you his earring collection. They still remain quite a fetish of his.)
Back to the syndicate...
Grauscherra wanted to do and had every intention of taking his family's portion of the inheritance and doing the same conversion of property as Xelloss was doing; that is, turning bad business into good, illegitimate to 'legit', and turning a profit at the same time. Since he hadn't a head for business or the time, he followed Xelloss' advice to the letter. After awhile, he gave Xelly all his voting rights in the un-syndicate, leaving him the time and freedom to pursue his beloved job as the principal of Seyruun High School. Yep, there he remained until his retirement thirty years after the musical.
Since Xelloss' dear old aunty, Merasea Dauphin (also known as: Dauphin de la Mer or Deep Sea Dolphin), was insane and locked away permanently in an insane asylum, he was appointed the sole custodian of her legacy. This meant that he acquired the highest level ranking in the un-syndicate.
Do you see a pattern? Xelloss was the syndicate now.
He controlled the wealth of hundreds of companies and thousands of souls. He could be an economic entity...a country...unto himself. He had done what his mother and his father had independently tried to do—and they failed to even remain alive! Yeah, Xelloss had it all.
Lucky for the world, Xelloss was a nice guy with a good heart. He carefully, so as not to flood the markets with loads of money, disentangled funds and dispersed them in astonishing ways. He wanted to make the world a better place. He was a bit quirky, too. (Imagine that!) I think he put up a sculpture in every building he converted from a place of crime to an upright business. The same sculpture. A golden-hued dragon patterned off that old vase figure of mine. Go figure.
Okay, so he was a saint.
Well, not really. We all knew that wasn't true.
He and I had our first big fight, of the current partnership, the day I figured out what was going on– with my dates, of course. It began, sorry to say, in the ladies restroom. He and I had attended a stuffy 'gathering' of artists, it doesn't matter where. It was a First of Summer gathering, I think, and I was not feeling well, probably from eating too much rich food, and I had hidden myself away in one of the bathroom stalls. I overheard two strangers talking in excited voices.
"...Miss Ul Copt...pssst, pssst..."
Huh? Me? Someone is talking about me? How dare strangers gossip about me!
"...She's so lovely; too bad no one can get close to her."
Say, what? Two women are talking about me? Why's that? And why can't anyone get close to me?
"Well, certainly not as long as HE has anything to say about it."
He? He, who?
"That's right. I mean, who can argue with him? If he says, 'keep your hands off her', what man's going to cross him? Even if he says nothing, who wants to cross the head of the syndicate?"
Him? HIM, who? Not...Xelloss? But...who else could they mean?
"No kidding… He doesn't give any of us a chance with him either. What I wouldn't do for a turn on the dance floor with him..."
"I could think of a place I'd rather have a turn with him!" the woman giggled.
Oh...it had better not be Xelloss messing with my dates' minds…but of course that's who the bitches are talking about… I thought long and hard, giving my initial anger time cool off, some. Xelloss was a very powerful and wealthy man. And purposeful. The poor chumps he picked out and terrorized into dating me and then 'getting the hell out of my life' weren't to blame. He was. Why would he do such a thing? I had heard enough.
I hunted Xelly down like the sneaky little bastard he was.
"Okay, okay! I admit it. I scared them off! Don't draw blood!" my darling trickster 'friend and protector' whined later back at our hotel, his room, where I was going to beat the truth out of him.
His warning came seconds too late. One of our latest acquisitions, a hefty five pound vase, just felt right in my grip-- you know how that is? I lost my temper. The vase broke over his head, cutting a gash above his left eye. Blood gushed out and dribbled down his cheek and dripped onto his white cuff. Head wounds bleed like crazy.
"Oh no!" I caught his lead weight as he fainted, and steered his back onto his bed, then let him fall. How could I have forgotten that he fainted at the sight of his own blood? Actually, I'd thought he'd gotten over that. Maybe he just wasn't expecting it... It didn't matter. Now I had that mess to clean up, too.
So he had a bundle of excuses...not all of them unreasonable, but still the meddling was unacceptable. Sure, a few guys had been interested only in my connections and another few infatuated with my looks, but one of them, just one might have been a possibility had he not been intimidated by Xelloss' hovering. Our business was done after that, so we flew home to unpack the purchases, set up the shop, and stew over the situation.
Milgasia came into the city and stopped by the Mace and Vase. I used the timely opportunity to complain about Xelloss, "He promised me and then he messed it all up every time for me."
Milgasia found my plight to be amusing, although he tried to suppress it. "What did you expect? Filia, how good has he been at developing his own relationships? Now, tell me, did you have a good time? Did you learn a lot?"
"Oh, it was terrific! I've been places I only read about. Fascinating! We visited the Swiss ski resort of Verbierto… well …we went hiking… and bought pottery made from local clay in Grunne. It was non-stop wonderful. Xelloss knows everything. He's another person off-continent. I mean, I felt that way too. Here, I'm a college girl and one of the Slayers; over there... I was an art buyer, business woman...an adult."
"Then, it wasn't a bust at all. He gave you all that, and yet you're disappointed that he didn't locate a husband for you as well? You are very demanding, Miss Ul Copt."
He was right, of course. Put in that context. Rats…
"He bought me load of clothes, too." I hadn't occurred to me to set up a payment plan to reimburse him.
"You did thank Xelloss for his efforts, didn't you?"
"I broke a vase over his head...cut it here...Oh, I'm awfully selfish, I see that, but..."
"Where is he living now, by the way?"
"Downtown, Why?"
"Why not invite him out for a visit. He can stay at my place, if Val's isn't available. I'd like to talk to him."
I hoped he meant that he would straighten the guy out. "Okay, I'll do that. This weekend too soon?"
"Anytime that's convenient."
I don't know what they talked about exactly, but after that, Xelloss was more subdued around me. He gave me a wider berth. In fact, I hardly saw him. I was working the shop, doing a good job, I thought, and starting to create a few of my own pots in my studio.
I got a call from Lina asking me to pick up some groceries on the way home from work. She was too busy entertaining.
"So who's over?" I asked.
"Xelloss. I know you guys don't get along so well, so I'll kick him out before ya get here," Lina offered. I hadn't told her that sometimes he and I got along just fine.
"No, don't bother. I might wanna talk with him. I'm on my way home. Tell him to wait a few minutes, okay?"
"Got it. Later, Fil. And don't forget a couple dozen donuts, they got that special goin'. Bye."
So that was where he was hanging out when I was minding the store. Back with Lina. It disturbed me that he did that. It was always Lina, had always been Lina first, probably would always be Lina...first.
That's when I had to admit how much I had liked being first while we were traveling. Xelloss showered me with attention and respect too. I had been the center of his universe the moment his eyes caught mine, trapped and snared, then held and coddled. Coddled, yes... he coddled me and I had liked it, but had I told him so? Had I let him know how I felt, how I appreciated him? Once, maybe. He could tell, couldn't he? Maybe not. He was back to adoring Lina again, mostly... likely... which meant he didn't consider me to be enough... or nothing at all... Well, just what was I to be to him? What could I be?
And that, as they say, was the rub.
But then, what was Lina to him? Oh, I wasn't a very nice person. I couldn't have him, he wasn't clan, but I didn't want Lina to have him either. In fact, I didn't want anyone to have him, since I couldn't.
Rub-a-dub-dub, drown my sorrows in a tub. They say that, too. I'd take a long herbal bath later and do just that.
I was in such a poor mental state by the time I reached the house that I missed the music wafting out the window. I kicked opened the front door with my arms loaded down with grocery bags to find Lina in Xelly's arms, dancing. It made me...sick. I felt rage boiling up in me and then it went out of control.
"Get out! Get...OUT!" I yelled at him, and then pounded on his back. This necessitated my dropping everything onto the floor.
And then I started crying and then I collapsed into an ugly blonde heap and then somehow he wrapped me in his arms and then I don't remember anything much after that.
Except that we made up. I apologized for everything I had done and said to him and thanked him for all he had done for me.
"Ready to travel again?" he asked, apologies accepted and all forgiven and forgotten.
I nodded.
"Oh, Filly, what am I going to do about you, my demanding business partner?"
"Everything." I loaded that single word with as much meaning as possible without turning it into a bloated sentence.
"Okay," he smiled. He understood. Without me having to explain, he understood how hard a time I was having reconciling my feelings for him with my duty to my clan. He didn't have any answers for me, I knew. He had mixed feelings of his own to contend with. He wanted a lover in his life and neither Lina nor I fit the bill, and yet we filled his other needs...friendship, closeness, and we cared about him deeply. I, however, wanted him now.
"In that case, let me take you out for dinner and a celebration," he smiled in a conciliatory manner.
"Okay…"
"And happy 21st birthday, Miss Filly."
"You remembered."
"Yes, I even remembered to call Zelgadiss and wish him well on his first day of medical school tomorrow," Xelloss winked at me.
I hadn't. I had lost all count of time and what the others were up to.
"Lina's graduating mid-term and starting her master's thesis…"
"I knew that!" I insisted.
"… and Val will graduate from the Art Institute this year. Just to keep you informed," he smiled as he opened the door for me to leave.
Gulp! That was news to me.
Life was a mess. An exciting, fun, but also complicated, convoluted mess.
This time the traveling was different. We knew something about what was selling giving us a better idea what kinds of art to concentrate on or avoid. I was savvier about packing and we moved quicker with fewer bags. By June I made the decision to make another change as well.
"Shall I look into the local clan possibilities for tomorrow's art show as well as tonight's dinner party? We need opposite-sex escorts." Xelloss asked me. This was the first time he'd broached the sensitive subject since we renewed our travels.
I knew how I was going to answer. I had practiced saying it over and over, but now that he was standing there, waiting.
"Don't bother, Xel-ly-bean," I stammered nervously. Me! Nervous! I redoubled my efforts to spit it all out. "We can go together. Just you and me. We do make a damned fine-looking couple." That sounded cool and collected.
"Okay," he agreed.
At that moment we dropped the facade. We cared for one another, we were attracted to one another, and we didn't need any others to interfere with our good times. His eyes searched mine for confirmation of what he hoped I had meant and that I was on the level. "Just for tonight?"
"I think I'm done with the matchmaking. I just want...what I want." That pleased him. And shocked him. His eyes widened and he stepped back.
"Filia...this is dangerous. You know what I want and I can't give you what you need. It could cost us our friendship." He was backed to the wall.
"I don't want to analyze this," I told him as I moved so close I could feel the heat radiating from him. I pinned him to the wall with a hand to his chest. "I want to enjoy it." I could feel his heart beat. It was racing. I understood Zel and Amelia's 'heart-shake'; it meant 'I want you.'
I swear he gulped. I was being aggressive and he was at a distinct disadvantage.
I jerked his shirttails out of his pants and he gasped, "Filia!"
"You've been in this long enough for one day," I told him and unbuttoned the shirt, beginning at the hemline. "Hmm...nice skin."
"Yesss," he hissed in a quick intake of air, his teeth bared.
I watched as his eyes closed; my fingers slid over his smooth, hairless chest, down a lean side, around to his muscled back, back around his side, and over his firm belly. He grinned and flinched, "Tickles..."
That gave me an idea. Pausing in my tactile stimulation of his belly, my hands were free to massage his shoulders a moment before I shoved the shirt off. Down his back, along his arms it slid, catching at the wrists where the cuffs remained clasped. His arms were behind his back. "You forgot the cufflinks," he smiled.
But his smile faded as mine grew, and I whispered slyly, "Did I?" Then I started tickling him in earnest.
I only had him trapped momentarily. He twisted away amid giggles and tore the shirt off. "Now, it is my turn," he smiled.
"OH!" I couldn't believe how quickly he had moved! I couldn't hold on to him; he was slippery like a fish.
Now it was I who was wrapped in his strong grasp. Again, we studied one another's eyes.
"Filia, I know you know what you are doing, but..." his eyes opened wider, dark and mysterious in the low bedroom light. "Do you know what you are doing...to me?"
I had a damned good idea. His breathing was ragged, his eyes luminous, and his smile tense. He wanted me bad, and I knew it. I nodded.
He swallowed. "What will you have me do?" He was asking, but his fingers were slowly lowering the zipper at the back of my neck. "I can stop at any time."
"Can you?" My voice was weak as his face nuzzled my hair, finding my ear.
His warm breath teased along the outer edge of my ear and down my neck where my hair had parted and exposed it to his lips. "Yesssss, I can, no matter what."
"You mean," I paused, distracted when I felt him trailing wet kisses along my neck and shoulder as he began to peal my dress away. "If I ask, you'll stop...anytime?"
His face raised and our eyes met in the middle, then dove past my reserve. I knew he could see my innermost thoughts. "Of course, but..." His hands moved and my dress was affixed together again. "I don't believe we are going to make it to that party tonight, do you? No? Then we have no reason to rush anything. Right? Okay, then here's my idea." He leaned in and pressed our foreheads together. "You, go back to your room, take a shower, change into something casual, then come back. In fact, here's my room key in case I take longer to shower than you."
I wasn't sure that he wasn't just trying to get rid of me, so I asked, "What about dinner then?"
"I will take care of that too. Hey, don't look like that! Gods, Filia...I'm not pushing you away here, just...slowing us down...me down." His hands squeezed my shoulders and he smiled so kindly, I had to nod. "I'll make it fun, I promise, okay? You'll come back, right?"
"Half an hour," I clipped off and grabbed his keys out of his hand. "Be ready."
My heart was pounding. My gods! I had just propositioned my friend, Xelloss, XELLOSS! And...I had no regrets whatsoever. Xelloss knew how to have fun. I tossed the dress aside and rushed through a shower, lingering only to make sure my hair was well-rinsed and my legs smooth. What to wear...? I wished then that I had packed a sexy nightie, or had one to pack. A cotton gown from the settlement wouldn't do...but the silk pajamas Xelloss gave me a year ago would. I put them on, covered them with my coat, and re-wrapped my damp hair in a dry towel and stood thinking. I jammed my keys and his keys and a toothbrush into the pockets and left, avoiding a parting glance into the mirror. I looked about as sexy as a well-worn slipper.
"Xelloss?"
"I'll be right out. Oh, there's a twenty on the desk in case room service comes."
"Room--?" I was interrupted by a knock on the door. "Oh...yeah."
A young man rolled in a cart of covered dishes and chilling bottle of wine. "Good evening," we greeted each other. I watched while he snapped a clean white tablecloth over the small table by the window, then set out the food, leaving the lids, and lit a candle. "Shall I open the wine?"
"Yeah, please." I said, then handed him the bill and he left.
Xelloss emerged drying his hair. "Oh, good. It's here already. I thought we should fortify ourselves first. Why don't you take off your coat and stay awhile?" he grinned.
He took my coat and hung it up after I removed my things from the pockets. I could see him looking over the items, especially the toothbrush, and I blushed. Me, blushing! He said nothing, but pointed to a chair. "Shall we eat?"
"Sure," I shook out my hair, which was mostly dry and took the seat he had pulled out for me.
He poured a small amount of wine and held up his glass in salute, "To us, two good friends about to become closer."
I know I blushed again. "Xelly!"
"Well, I hope so!" he chuckled and took a sip. "Oh, and before I forget everything I was planning to tell you before you started removing my clothes and distracting me, I sent Val a notice that we will be back for his graduation from the Art Institute next week. Just to keep you informed," he smiled more, and then served me some of the salad
More blood rushed to my already scarlet face. I was burning up. For once, I really sympathized with poor Zel-bob with his out-of-control blushing response. "Thanks for remembering…"
We ate the simple meal of a salad with bread and baked brie. I sliced a pear and apple to share for dessert. Then we were done. He was resting his head in his hand and gazing unabashedly at me. I thought he looked adorable. "What, Xelly-bean?"
"I wouldn't have believed that you could be any more beautiful than before, but sitting there, your hair...just down, no make up, smiling... You are...a goddess, Filia."
His hushed tone and worshipful expression convinced me that he was sincere. He was the only man I knew who could pull off such corny things to say. From that instant on that night, he made it clear that I was at the center of his universe. He had a CD player and started some soft music and we danced– slow and romantic in our silk pajamas. He whispered sweet things and made me smile, warmed my heart, and healed my damaged ego.
I was falling in love for the first time and there was no stopping it.
"Can I kiss you?" he asked.
"Huh? Yeah, sure, it's just that you never asked before."
"No, I guess not," he managed to say before kissing me softly. "It's different now, though. I want you to be an equal participant all the way with this. Start to finish, stop-go, yes-no, give and take."
I didn't know what to say. I never imagined being with Xelloss this way, that he could be this way. He was completely open, vulnerable, real. He was real. I thought of something. "Kiss me again," I begged.
We stood by the window and kissed gently, nose-to-nose. It was odd kissing a man just barely taller than me. I had been used to the lofty giants of the clan. Xelloss was well-built, but slender, his face still youthful, pale, perfect...eyes closed with long, dark lashes. His silky, soft hair brushed my arms wrapped around his neck. I wanted to feel it tickle my bare skin sometime soon.
I felt his knees bend and one arm slide beneath my knees, as he scooped me up and carried me across the room. How strong he was!
We stretched out on his wide bed and found our way to each other's mouth and kissed deeply. "I could do this all night," he said in a low voice.
"Okay," I agreed.
"You mean that? You want this?"
"This is nice; you feel good," I assured him.
He rolled on one side and smiled down at me lying on my back. He fingered my hair. "Like gold. I always wanted to touch it, but I was afraid you'd think I was some kind of pervert."
That made me laugh, "Yeah, me the one that messes with and cuts your hair. You see blonde all the time, but yours...is a very rare color."
That made him grin. His matching eyes winked out.
"You...are a very handsome man, Xelly-bean." I poked the end of his nose to make his eyes open again.
"You didn't used to think so. And...you thought I was gay for the longest time."
"That was a long time ago and you...were different then. You walked funny and wiggled and giggled and your face was...more pretty then. Yeah, I thought you were for sure, but Zel-bob kept defending you."
"Oh, him? The guy that kissed me once?" Xelloss was teasing me about my misconceptions about him in the past. He wanted to get everything out into the open.
I pushed him hard enough to knock him on his back. "Poor Zel! After all he's done for you! And he's not even here to defend himself."
Xelloss pulled me down on top of him. I lay half across him, my breasts pressed high on his chest. "No, he's not," Xelloss growled in a husky voice. "Just you. I thought you were mean and a snob. You hated me."
"I was and I did, but for different reasons than you think. I felt superior because I was clan and we feel that way about ourselves. You didn't drool over me or show any interest, which made me mad. There was that Wolfpack Island thing we worked out, you remember, how I blamed you personally for being the inheritor of that island which resulted in my people being forced off it and losing our homes."
"It's yours again," he said.
"I know, thanks to you. But there was more to my feelings about you. You bugged me so much...teasing...irritating me in endless ways. But it was the fact that you weren't at all attracted to me that annoyed me most. So, I explained it away with the 'gay' thing."
"I was attracted to you...your looks, but I had my assignment to link up with Zel and Lina. I had to focus on that... And, I have to admit, Lina...well...I won't lie about how I desired her. Past-tense, note that. Plus... I'm more drawn to brunettes, medium-small ones. But..." he stretched his neck and kissed me noisily. "I've made a big exception...for you."
"Gee, thanks," I pretended to care, but laughed instead. "So, me being one in a long list of girls you've been with, who was your first to ah...do it with?"
"Girl?"
That took me by surprise. "Naturally, Xelly, what else? You don't date guys; I thought we just determined that was a dead issue. How old were you when you...did it the first time."
His smile faded. "Maybe this conversation should wait a bit."
"Why? I've known you for years. I know bunches of worse stuff about you than that. Besides, you know my history short as it is; I want to know yours."
"Eleven."
"What? You were just a little boy! How could you...do that so young?" I was stunned.
"I didn't. He did." Xelloss looked away his eyes filling with tears.
"Oh...you mean a man...Dubois..." I sighed as the last parts of the puzzle making up his life were brought together.
He nodded and wiped at a stray tear.
"You can cry if want, Xelly-bean. Tell me what you can."
He shook his head. I didn't think that he would tell me much more tonight, but he did. "It started just before I turned twelve and continued for some time. He...h-he raped me, told me I was good, s-special, his..." His voice thickened making it hard for him to speak, so I held him tightly and waited. "It continued after he married my mother and up until...that video..."
So Zelgadiss knew. He had watched the video of Xelloss' torture by his stepfather while both boys had been hospitalized. "But you guys got the video back and that...awful man is dead now. Oh, Xelly, and I kept calling you gay...after that man...how horrible. I'm so sorry. No wonder it made you so mad."
But Xelloss shook his head. "Dubois wasn't a homosexual. He was a pedophile. He'd done that with girls too before me. Nuriko actually helped me understand...alternative sexual tastes. He had come on to me when I first joined the dojo, but backed off when he found I really messed up and just needed a friend to talk to. To be honest, back then I was pretty confused and still drugged out of my mind much of the time. We got to know each other well after that, and he helped me sort out my preferences. He was a good friend for me at the time, even if the results disappointed him. I really liked girls, Filia. Still do. One in particular."
That earned him a kiss.
I was still full of questions and he was letting me in on his secrets. "Umm...but I don't get how a man can...rape a guy. I mean...not the sicko mental part but the actual...how...where?"
"Oh, man, Filia..." he groaned and covered his face with his hands. "I'm not getting into that..." But he thought of something and tried. "Okay...the term you'd be familiar with is sodomy. Does that tell you enough?"
Yes. That did it for me. "Oh..." I blushed at my stupidity. "Um, so Zel knows --anyone else?"
"Zelgadiss and Val, that's all, and can we please change the subject now?"
Zel and Val, but not Lina. Inwardly, I smiled. "Who was the first girl then, which was what I really wanted to know?"
He groaned and covered his face with a pillow. "Gods, Filia...what difference does it make?"
"I am a nosey person." I noticed that with his arms up, his bellybutton was exposed. I wondered what he'd do if I kissed him there. As I dropped closer, I could see a fine line of dark hair, black against his white skin, disappear into his silk pants.
"Filly?" came his muffled voice. "You're being very quiet... AH!"
That was where I ran my tongue, ending with a kiss to his bellybutton.
"You are a seductressssssss..." he went limp when I stopped.
"You liked that? I thought I was making you tell me stuff."
"Torture me more with your lips," he begged, grinning.
We hugged and rolled back and forth and laughed. We were happy and the air felt taut, tightening with the anticipation between us..
"Why don't we brush our teeth now, just in case we fall asleep, okay?" he asked.
I nodded and sat up. I was new at all this. "Me first?"
He smiled and nodded. "I'll wait."
We took turns, and then when he returned to the bed, he pulled back the covers and paused expectantly.
I wasn't sure what he meant, so I just lay there.
"Do you want to go back to your room? You can if you want, Filia. Or...move over."
"Ah, no...I wasn't sure what to do, that's all."
He moved in beside me and pulled the covers over us both. "Ummm, nice."
His arms encircled me and we adjusted to one another's curves. "Let's just say good night and sleep like this, okay?" he asked.
That surprised me. Actually, it sounded wonderful, but not what I had come to expect from him. "Ah...sure..."
He turned my face to look at him. "Filia, is sex all you want from me?"
I swallowed. That was direct. "No."
"Good, because it's not going to happen tonight. Not until you...we... are ready. Really ready. I want to show you how I've come to feel about you, but first we need to get used to being this close. Just touching you is...too much for me."
I wanted to know what he meant by that, "Too much?"
He smiled, "You were every boy's dream girl in high school, and every man's now. I'm just a bit overwhelmed by you."
Wow...what a romantic. "Every boy but you." I reminded him. I wanted to hear more. I loved the sound of his voice. I didn't want this closeness to end.
"Ever notice the girls I go out with, including the woman I married? What they had in common?"
"Yeah, as you said before, mostly short and dark; at least, shorter and darker than me. You're not drawn to leggy blondes like... Oh!" I got it! "Like your mother..." I gasped.
"For the longest time, it was a problem for me," Xelloss said seriously, and then he waggled his eyebrows, ran a hand lightly over my covered breasts and licked his lips lustfully, "But not any longer!"
"Xelly-bean!" I objected weakly.
But I couldn't resist his charm and tender kisses. He wanted me; I knew it, even though he was willing to wait. He fondled me gently and wrapped me in strength. "Now that I've taken all the fight out of you, it's time to pounce," he whispered with a giggle at the end. "No, actually, I'm ready to sleep. So don't move. Just let me listen to you breathe. Unless...?"
I could have asked for more, but found that I was so warm and comfortable and...tired, mentally and physically tired from the hard day and emotional turmoil we had gone through, that I just closed my eyes and smiled, "Umm, 'kay."
He curled around my back with an arm draped over me. I was at peace. I knew I'd met the real Xelloss at last and reveled in the feeling as he held me until I fell asleep.
I didn't sleep especially well, waking up numerous times only to feel a strange limb heavy across a leg or an arm wrapped possessively about my waist. I'd never shared a bed with a guy, not my little brother and rarely with one of the Slayers on a trip. But...it was not a bad thing; it was really reassuring to have him there, it simply was something that would take getting used to. When I woke up the last time, it was to the sound of his voice muted at a distance. He was standing in front of the window, wearing his kimono open loosely over his pajama bottoms, speaking into his cell phone with a smile. It had to be a friend.
"When? Last night? That was fast then. How they doing? No, the baby and Sylphiel– I don't care about Gourry's stunned state!" Xelloss giggled excitedly.
I joined him by the window, snaking my arms around his waist from the back.
"Ummmm," he hummed contentedly. "Me? Nothing, Lina. So, have they named her yet?" I stroked his side with one hand and then pulled off his kimono to kiss his shoulder.
He put his hand over the mouth piece and turned to me to repeat what was said, "Sayo Ruth Gabriev, after Sylphiel's natural mother and Gourry's grandmother who just died."
I felt emboldened by his reactions and so just as he uncovered the phone to speak again, ran my hand over his hip and along his thigh, then back up to circle his belly. Ohhhh..." he moaned.
I could hear Lina screaming from the tiny phone. "Oh, yuck, Xelloss! You're there with some girl, arent'cha? I'm gonna be sick. Next time, Zel calls you! I'll call Filia."
"Don't bother, she's right here!" he said lightly, and then blanched. What had he just done? Would Lina know we'd spent the night together?
I grabbed the phone out of his hand, "Lina! Hi! Xelloss wrenched his back lifting a humongous vase and I was massaging it a bit this mornnn...afternoon, almost. So, Sylphie had her baby, I take it?"
We both drew deep breaths and relaxed; Lina bought it. She hadn't thought for a minute that anything was going on between Xelloss and me. As I continued to talk on the phone, however, I noticed Xelloss was no longer as cheerful as he had looked in the light of the window.
When I was done talking, I set the phone down and walked over to his side.
He sighed, and then said, "We have to talk about this, Filia." He turned his face in my direction and smiled, barely. "Nothing has happened between us that has to be kept a secret, yet. So if I embarrass you or you don't want our friends to know about us, then...you should go back to your room now and go back to our business arrangement."
"Oh, Xelly...it's not that way it's...well, it's just..."
"Don't bother finishing either of those thoughts. Just go."
But I didn't. I didn't want to give him up, but I could tell that I had hurt his feelings. And then I realized how much his feelings mattered to me; more than my own. I picked up the cell phone and punched in a number, then waited. "Lina? Yeah, me again. Say, tell me something, you ever think about sleeping with Xelloss? Stop screaming! Why? Because I have and I think I'm going to try him out as a boyfriend. Yeah, I know...mess up the band...he's not clan...Yeah, got it. Okay, well, thanks. Gotta go now. What am I gonna do, you ask? I think I'm going to start by ripping off his clothes...Oh!" I caught Xelloss' wide-eyed stare. "She hung up on me!"
"Huh...?" He was speechless, a rare thing.
"Now, ready to talk about it? Let's just say I did that the first time and go from that point. Yeah, I'll admit I want to try us out a bit before sharing us with the others. You okay with that?"
"Okay..."
"But..."
"But...?"
"I don't know what to do about the clan thing. Right now, I can just push it aside. Maybe I'll never get married."
"Filia," he pressed a finger to my eyebrow and traced its shape. "Okay, for now...we'll do it your way, but sometime it will matter." He smiled again and cupped my cheek, rubbing his calloused thumb across my lips. "When you change your mind, let me know first, okay?"
I nodded. His honesty knocked the air out of any smart comment I might have said, again. "Okay, but...I don't see that coming."
"Lovers never do, Filia my dear," he said as he held me tightly to his chest.
End -- SHJ Ten Year Reunion-- Chapter Five.