–- SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –- 7/2004

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis

Chapter Eight: Turned Upside Down

"Life begins on the other side with despair." – Jean-Paul Sartre

Our perfect day was disturbed slightly by a little kid. Xelloss, unable to help himself any longer, had just broken away from a deep kiss when this obnoxious little boy ran up to us and shouted, "Hey, that's dirty! You're supposed to be a priestess! Priestess' don't do that kinda stuff!"

But Xelly-bean just smiled good-naturedly. He knelt down to eye-level with the boy and explained, "Kissing isn't dirty. Loving is nice. Your mom loves your dad, right? Well, Priestess' love too because they're normal human beings. I know even a big guy like you can understand that, although...you probably don't kiss icky girls yet, huh?"

That got a male-solidarity grunt out of the boy and he ran off... with us soon forgotten.

"You're not bad for a city-guy," I complimented Xelly's riding when we headed back.

"Thanks. The out-of-doors is nice, with someone like you to tame it with," he said. "Um, isn't that the way we came? Or am I lost?"

"Not lost. We have some errands to do."

"Oh? Out here?" He smacked at a bug. Xelly had been very tolerant of the wildlife and rustic accommodations up until this point. Now that the day was really heating up, the bugs were looking for lunch, too. It would be a test of his endurance.

"This way leads to the stream that feeds the lake we swam in. There's some nice spots to stop and gather."

"Gather what?"

But I figured seeing the wild berry thicket would answer that question soon enough.

"Ah...blackberries," he said with understanding.

"Now we give the horses their apple treats while we fill the picnic basket with berries."

"I see, dating a clan girl comes at a price," he muttered. But with a show of good grace, he plucked berries for me. "Ouch! Nasty thorny things," I could hear him grumble.

"Can you reach those?" I pointed to a bunch out of my reach, which meant that they were probably out of his as well.

Gingery, he hopped about the snagging undergrowth. He found a fallen tree branch crooked at the end and used it to bend the heavily-fruited tip to within my reach. "How's that?"

"Satisfactory, my good man, thanks."

When I checked the basket next time, it was full. "Hey, lover-boy! You can stop now."

He climbed out of the brambles to my side. With a scratched and stained hand, he pushed his bangs out of his eyes, leaving a purple smudge of berry juice on one cheek.

I gotta tell you, he looked so cute with his hair mussed and decorated with bits of dry grass. I couldn't believe how attracted to him I was. I liked him well enough in his smart-looking suits and cool band clothes, but this way in old jeans and a shirt he looked more, well, manly. Using his shirttails, he wiped the sweat from his face and looked over my way. He caught my eyes looking him over and smiled. He'd been smart enough to keep his shirt on to protect his arms from the nasty thorns, but he was hot and sweaty. So was I. I could see a rivulet of moisture trickle down his neck and disappear beneath his open collar. He could use some sun on his chest. "I know just the place to cool off. And we can gather greens for our salad tonight, too."

"Cool sounds nice," he agreed and followed me along a narrow, steep trail leading from the road to the stream. One look at the isolated pool off the fast-flowing water and he added, "I don't care if all the clan is watching us, I'm getting you naked in that water."

I laughed so hard as he fumbled with my clothes, hot and sticking to my skin, and then with his own. I was afraid that he'd rip off the buttons, so I helped him out. This was nothing like the smooth maneuvering he'd used to slip me out of my clothes that first time we made love, or was it me who commandeered his? Funny, I couldn't even remember now. Wasn't that an important moment in my life? He was my first-- I gave up something, but the love I got in return more than made up for it. Oh...and my back ached later... Hmmm, I guess it didn't matter. It got better with time. We got better with practice.

"Gods! IT'S COLD!" he gasped when he stepped into the water.

"Ice-melt from the mountains. Very clean and pure."

"And COLD!"

We stood in the water and splashed awhile until we could completely submerge. We could barely endure it for more than a minute or two, but we cooled off and eased our itches. It shriveled flesh and cooled our ardor.

After dressing, we collected several bunches of peppery watercress.

"I had a really nice time, Filia. I know I'm no country lad, but I can see why you love it here so much. I feel relaxed and comfortable and contented." He gathered me up for a light kiss, "I love you, Filia. I thought you should know."

I blushed, "I know and...I love you too. I mean it. Everything about you."

He crushed me in his arms and I think he cried when he told me, "I can't believe this. It's better than I ever, ever dreamed falling in love could be, and you know I've thought about that a lot. I just want to make you happy, Filia. I want you to know exactly how special you've made me feel."

But I did, I really did, because I felt like something magical was happening to us.

"Um, also I was wondering…"

"Yes, Xelly-bean?"

"When we get back…"

Oh boy, this had to be a good one. "Yes…?"

"I may need some…salve…or something for the saddle sores…"

The lusty glint in his eyes said it all. Did I ever mention that he was a demanding lover? He had a non-stop libido. I'm not kidding! It wasn't like the only thing on his mind, but it took up a large portion of it.

When summer arrived, for reasons only he could understand, Xelloss arranged for accommodations at the resort on Wolfpack Island for my parents, Quinny, and Mil and Milly. He told us all that he understood little progress had been made on returning the island into a Cepheid Believer wolf preserve, or that the resort hadn't been altered, or hardly used. Milgasia said Luna was 'looking into' some financial difficulties. So, we were going to stay a couple days, tour, and vacation. Yeah, got that? Vacationing with my family and my clan leader. I told you Xelly was nuts. A crew of cleaning and cooking staff had been sent ahead to set up and prepare for our arrival. We flew in by helicopter, just as Zelas had probably done in the past.

In case I never explained this about us before, Cephied folk are not very affectionate in public. In the privacy of your own home, that's where all that belonged. Even so, I had rarely seen my parents kiss, hug, or touch, although I knew that they were a deeply devoted couple. Milgasia and Milly were practically still newlyweds and you would never catch them giving one another googly-eyes or making-out in the bushes.

That said, oh gods…Xelly was not repressed or repressible for long. He loved to pretend that he was the romantic lead in some grand musical. Oh, he had more self control as an adult than he had as a teenager, but when he was not 'on the job' he let down his guard and revealed his emotions. This meant that if he felt moved to wrap an arm around me, kiss me, snuggle, whisper sweet nothings, hold hands...the list goes on...then he would; that is, he'd try. If others of the clan could see us, I'd subtly turn away, slip out of reach, or otherwise avoid the contact. I didn't like to do that to him. I mean, I wasn't a prude like Zel-bob, but I knew it would make others uncomfortable.

Also, I didn't want my folks to know how involved we really were. To get their approval to drop out of school, travel alone with Xelly, and run his shop (my shop), we had to convince them that ours was a professional relationship, and it WAS. Trouble was, it was more than that now. Much more. And, yeah, my folks suspected bunches, but were afraid of confronting me-- or, more likely, they didn't want to have their suspicions confirmed.

With that all in mind, I continue…

We landed on the island and reported in at the resort to check on our lodgings and say hi to the folks helping out.

"I get to share with Xelly!" my little brother cried out merrily.

Xelly looked me squarely in the eye and said, "I think not."

And when I hemmed and hawed, he took me by the elbow and led me out of the foyer into a slightly more private hallway. "Filia, I didn't come here to share a room with your little brother. Now, if you won't stand up for 'us' and let your parents know that we, that's you and me, baby, are sharing a room and that they have a two bedroom suite with their son getting the side room, then I will."

I must have looked ill.

"Filia, you are not a child. You are about to turn 23 and I'm 25. You are an adult and can make your own life decisions now. I thought you already had. I thought you and I had a kind of commitment. Am I wrong? Am I simply too inconvenient to be your boyfriend now, but when we are alone on the road then I'm your bed-warmer?"

Xelloss was mad at me. His temper, usually under wraps, was showing, that's how I knew how serious he was about this.

"You know that's hog wash, Xelly."

"Well, I thought so, but now...are we suddenly 'just friends'? Business partners? I can't do the 'platonic' act around you, Filly."

"No, it's just that...they are my parents. You wouldn't understand."

We were staring at one another, when my father and mother found us. "Is something the matter, honey?"

"No..." I began.

"She means 'yes'," Xelloss inserted. "Mrs. Ul Copt, Mr. Ul Copt, Filia and I will be sharing a room here. We frequently do, and have for awhile. She didn't want to tell you because she knows you wouldn't approve, but it's true and I see no shame in something so perfectly natural and understandable. Do you?"

My father shook his head mutely while mumbling, "Well..."

My mother sighed, "Well, thank the gods that's over with. I want to go to my room and change my shoes, and then I want to try out some of those trails. Xelloss? You shall be our guide. Come, Quentin, you are too old to be sharing a room. We've decided that you get one all to yourself and it has a door that opens into ours, isn't that special?"

Thank the gods he thought it was!

My father was telling Xelloss something in parting which made Xelly answer back and then they both smiled and nodded agreeably.

"What was that about?" I asked as we strode to our own suite.

"He wanted to be certain that we were 'careful'."

I couldn't believe that my father would have the nerve to ask such a thing. "And what did you say?"

"Naturally!" Xelloss' eyes flickered gleefully, and then shut as he giggled. "Get it? I could have meant natural birth-control or natural as in 'very likely'. Funny, eh? Well, he thought so!"

I punched his back a few times. Imagine! My boyfriend joking with my father about his having sex with me! I guess I wasn't as grownup as I thought I was about many things.

The rest of the vacation was easy after that, comparatively. We settled on holding hands and I let him put his arm around me. He didn't lock me into passion-filled kisses, feel me up, or try to rip off any of my clothing when they were around. We could agree on stuff like that.

The place was gorgeous, which I'll write about later in another part sometime. We decided that we needed to hire a team of scientists, clan when possible, to map out the place, the wild life, and come up with some ecology-saving plans.

"Funds are a problem," Milgasia began.

"That I can solve," Xelloss said. "I turned it over to you, but I meant for the financial support to be there too. I must have forgotten."

"It also requires Filia's signature, every decision does; that was how you wrote up the transfer. It's all in her name. Do you know why you did that?"

Xelloss did, I suspect, but all he would say was, "That's a secret."

I elbowed him gently, "No it isn't. You were just trying to impress me way back then."

To which he replied, "Ah, well, it's possible," And then he winked and smiled.

Another time that summer, Xelloss helped me and my mother with the canning. He was much more useful than Val ever was, and so eager to please. He was happy scrubbing the cucumbers, or measuring out the spices, or stuffing the babies into jars; whatever the task, he was happy to do it. He even offered to make us pies. I had to admire him. He had not shirked learning to ride a horse or getting his hands dirty with actual dirt; things he would hardly have done (for me at least) in the past. He had grown to be a most definitely handsome man and not so prissy anymore, even when in the kitchen wearing one of my mom's aprons.

"You choose the fruit and prep it," he told me, "and I'll make the crusts. I'm not as good as Zelgadiss, but I blame him for not teaching me all his little tricks."

"Nectarines and blueberries blend well," my mother suggested.

"O-kay, do-kay!" he agreed, then in a whiny voice complained about the honey jar. "Why is it that all I have to do is touch this thing and my hand's all sticky? Honey…oh, huuuuuun-neeee?"

He was grinning my way expectantly. "Just wash it off," I told him.

"Sure you don't have any real sugar, that white stuff? I know how much of that to use."

My mother stepped in, "I'll help with that. We add more flour to make it drier. There, that should do it. So, you like to cook?"

"Yes, but probably only because I don't often get the chance. Zelgadiss and I did most of the cooking on weekends together when we were living with Val. When I got married, well...I didn't get much of a chance. Since then, I've been traveling a lot, and cooking for one is impossible." The way he looked at me made it clear that he wished I was living with him.

I blushed and my mom cleared her throat. But, Xelly... he didn't care about that. "Oh, I gotta work quick here, it's warm and the butter is softening as I cut it in. Ice water, yes!" he giggled as my mother trickled a few tablespoons into his bowl and onto his arms. "Um, more all over." The way he said that made my mom blush. He could be so suggestive without intending it, or maybe he did mean it that way. I loved him madly.

Needless to say, this endeared him to my mother. Not that that was necessary because she had always liked him. My father pointed out his only flaw in their eyes, and it was a fatal one (that is, that they knew about), and that was the glaring obvious fact that he was not part of the clan. One night we all sat together and 'talked' about it—after Quinny went to bed.

"Listen, dad, he isn't going to join the clan. We know that. He's a priest elsewhere. I am not leaving the clan, so...where does that leave us? Limbo-land!"

Xelly-buns said nothing about his futile attempts to join the training program, although it would have been a really GOOD TIME TO HAVE DONE SO! (Ahem, excuse the shouting.)

"We can't get married. We can't be a family. We just...are!" I stomped off in a huff refusing to thrash out my future any longer. Xelly might have called me back, but nothing mattered, nothing would come of it. It was a dead-end discussion about a dead-end topic about a dead-end relationship, if I had wanted to think about it, which I didn't.

But I overheard how the conversation ended.

My father was saying, "So, at first we appreciated your getting her out and about. It wasn't until later that we became concerned...ah... You were showering her with expensive gifts..."

"You were worried that I might be trying to buy her?" Xelloss asked in a subdued tone.

""Well, yes. She...that is...we live simply out here. With all the luxuries you could afford, the latest fashions, fancy restaurants and parties, traveling the world like royalty...the high life—how could she not be taken in?"

"Oh I think the term you are looking for is enchanted, dear," my mother put in. "He wasn't trying to lure her into the underworld."

"But, don't you agree that she must have been...is... a little overwhelmed by all the attention?"

Xelloss answered, "What you are really wondering, I think, is if I ever thought that Filia might be staying with me primarily because of what I give her. That's a shallow assessment of your daughter." I could hear him chuckle softly. "Although, it is possible."

My father then said, "You don't care? That she may not care for you like she should, that doesn't bother you?"

"It would, if I believed it. I said that it was a possibility, but I don't believe that it's true. I know that...Filia loves me, the real me. No woman has ever loved...the real me like she does."

My heart swelled to hear him say that. He had so much faith in me and in our love. My father seemed adamant to find a crack in his shielding and now even mom was getting into the act.

"Filia has always had her way or demanded it. We thought it might all be an act of defiance at first. You see, first there was Val, then after learning about the Golden clans' involvement in destroying the Ancients, she nearly broke with her priestess vows entirely. Turning to...you would have been an extreme move."

"There may have been a bit of that..." Xelloss' smooth voice broke in.

"And that doesn't bother you either?" my mom pressed.

"Nope!" I bet he was smiling when he said that! "She is about more than all that. She has accepted everything about me, the good and the bad. She has given me...everything and asks me for nothing in return. Well, she does stretch my boundaries at times and pushes me to do a few things I'm unaccustomed to...like riding horses!" he added quickly so that my folks didn't think he was hinting at something kinky. His voice softened to a pensive tone as he confessed, "She moves me like no other has. I-I'd do anything for her."

"Even," my father asked, "give her up?"

I left my room at that point and saved him further interrogation by suggesting that we go for a walk. It was my birthday and I wanted to sleep that night with something else to remember, something more than his haunted voice intoning 'When I have to...'

Occurring over the Sixth, Seventh and Eighth Years After the Musical

So the years wore on and Xelloss and I were in love, but the strain of an uncertain future and of the long separations when he traveled whittled away at us both. I kept myself busy running the Mace and Vase, creating a few of my own pieces, and occasionally taking a class at night. I had completed three years at the university plus some credits in AP high school classes, and was slowly accumulating credits toward another year of class credit.

And, without paying really close attention, I noticed that everyone else was feeling stretched to the limit as well. Zelgadiss was busy practically every waking and non-waking minute of the day completing his internship and then residency at a small hospital in Sairaag. Amelia was interning in a small law firm in Sairaag too, I think chosen for its proximity to Zel's hospital more than its learning opportunities. But don't try and get her to admit to that even to this day! No, she said she needed to work outside of Seyruun, somewhere where her name wasn't a household word. I could buy that excuse as well.

Lina was writing like a fiend and teaching while finishing up her doctoral thesis at some point. She wasn't home much, although she called all the time. She said that she was traveling to 'gain experiences' which she would include in her stories. Val looked after her when she went out his way. Xelloss too, maybe, not that he would have said so-- and he didn't. We were all spread out, but we did call and keep in contact. The band was touring less. We'd shut ourselves into our recording studio and churn out a new CD every so often, and then promote it with a few concerts. We were all too busy and most of us too well off to work at it hard any more.

Val, I don't know where he was most of the time, but before one band gig, he announced that the Ancient Clan Monument Park would be ready for opening soon in winter, the start of the seventh year since the musical. Somehow he had become a strong political activist with the power and finances to place his properties under the continent's preservation and protection authority. There was the area around his and Nahga's spa, heath, and rehabilitation center, which was exempt from the no-growth zoning laws, where a thriving community of outdoorsy folk, the well-to-do, and plenty of us common folk to run the hundreds of small services, restaurants, and businesses which had sprung up. With jobs and tourist trade, the Golden clan settlements in the area were flourishing. These clans included the one Milgasia's wife and come from and the one from which Brad (gag) hailed.

It was late summer… early fall, I remember because I had just been on the phone with Zelgadiss telling me that Joey was starting his last year of high school and that was should do something for him come spring for graduation, but that he was far to busy to lift a hand himself, or was certain he'd be come spring and so on and so forth. Xelloss had been gone ten days. He startled me by showing up unannounced at the Mace and Vase.

"Miss me?" he whispered into my ear. His sinewy had wrapped around me from the back and his hands were pressed over my eyes.

"Ahhhhh!" I screamed and dropped the cell phone.

He caught it before it hit the floor. "Sorry, I didn't know you were holding anything."

"Xelloss! You could have called!" I shouted. I was angry with him. Lina had told me that he had run into her 'on the road' and that they had gone wine tasting in Zephillia. Not that I would have minded, much, but he had only said that he would be busy for a few more days. He hadn't said busy with whom.

He never talked about Lina, but Lina talked lots about him. It wasn't as if they were doing anything wrong, but he would just 'happen' to meet up with her in the oddest places and at the oddest times. I was secure, I thought, knowing that he loved me and me alone, but what was it about Lina that attracted him like that? It bothered me more each time she'd mention a new occurrence. And maybe that was because he never did. If I brought it up like, 'Oh, Lina told me she ran into you at the Shelby in Troutville,' then he'd just smile and say, 'Ah, that's right, we did have lunch.' It wasn't as if he was hiding anything, but he wasn't very forthcoming, when it came to Lina-business.

But this time it had run into an overnight experience. Lina shrugged it off as nothing special, 'He just got a room so we could visit a few more places the next day.' So, why had she mentioned it at all? She knew how involved he and I were! I never thought she was so hot in the looks department and her behavior was outlandish. What made her so fascinating? What was her draw? And why hadn't Xelloss called and told me himself?

"That was Zel with nothing important. But before that, Lina called to say you and she were off wine tasting. She thought I didn't like wine so you hadn't brought me along. But I would have loved to have joined you guys, Xelloss. I hadn't seen you in over a week!"

"Ah, well...I had business in the area and I really did just run into her. I knew you would be busy setting up for your big show tomorrow and didn't want to distract you. I'm here now, though."

"I can see that," I sniffed. I was glad to have him back. I wanted more than anything just to slap up a 'Closed for the Day' sign, lock up the shop, and head over to his townhouse.

"I know," he rubbed my shoulders gently. "I need to go back and unpack and shower. Why don't I come pick you up in...an hour and we'll go out for dinner, then we can go back to my place, okay?"

"That's fine, okay." I succumbed to his charms over and over.

Then a day or so later, my world was turned around, upside down, and inside out.

All I knew was that Xelloss had gone out with Milgasia, who was in town on business, and would meet me later. He'd call. He rarely stopped by the house I shared with Lina. Xelloss had always been very circumspect around Lina when I was around and when it came to our relationship. He didn't flaunt it around any of the Slayers, keeping a professional attitude when it was work. Only I got to see the real Xelloss, and only in private or when just the two of us traveled.

That was why I was so surprised to see him in the house that Lina and I shared. I had told Lina that I'd be working out back in my small studio until lunchtime. I was putting the finishing touches on a new line of pottery which I was hoping would be a hit. If it turned out good enough, I would sell it in the Mace and Vase. The store was doing so well that I had made a name for myself as the self-made expert on modern ceramics. I was often called to critique other shows and give presentations in my old high school.

Yes, I am avoiding writing about this next part; it was more painful than any torture-scenario I could have dreamed up.

I walked into our house, Lina's and mine; he was speaking in a low voice, and then drawing her into a kiss. Xelloss was holding her in his arms and kissing her passionately. I could have died right on the spot. But I didn't. I stood there and stared, half expecting them to start laughing and call it a stupid, thoughtless practical joke. I mean, I knew he carried a part of her in his heart, but he and I had been a couple for years. Why this now? How could he do this to me now?

He had been saying something to her. "I've never forgotten you. Tell me how you feel now..."

Trembling with a roiling mix of emotions, I said between gritted teeth, "Sorry to interrupt this important meeting, but you're blocking the path to my room."

They flew apart, Lina doing the pushing. She punched Xelloss and kicked him too, accusing him of attacking her 'against her wishes'. He was trying to say something, but I was not interested or listening. I ran to my room, slammed my door, locked it, and turned up my music to block out anything else.

I was devastated. I wasn't mad at either of them, yet, just shocked and sad.

So sad...I kept falling and falling...

First, I closed out the books on the Mace and Vase, wrote out and delivered the final paychecks to the two ladies I had hired, and locked the door to the place. It was an agonizing day when I had to walk away from the shop I had poured my heart into building. I sent Xelloss an envelope in the mail containing the shop key and a brief note which read: 'You are free. Have her or not. Get her out of your heart once and for all. Please, do not try and contact me.'

I quit the band, sending Lina a similar note, moved into a tiny apartment near campus and returned to school full-time. If I worked hard, I would have my degree in less than a year. I wanted no sympathy or reminders of what I had lost.

It was awful. I didn't want anyone to know the depths of pain he had inflicted upon me. Lina too. I hated everyone and everything. I cried until my body ached, and still, I lay heaving dry tears.

Betrayed. He had betrayed me. So had Lina. I had trusted him completely. I never pressed him for details when he had been away. I never questioned the rumors I had heard—they were just rumors. I had vowed never to be a complaining, finger-pointing bitch. I hadn't asked him for anything. The business, well, I worked my butt off to make that a successful, profitable enterprise.

I gave him my heart and my promise to love him forever and he... He betrayed me. With her-- my friend and roommate and band member. I could not believe it, although I had seen it with my very own eyes.

I lost all sense of time.

Well, not all, I guess because I made it to classes on time. I ate automatically and lost weight unintentionally. My campus apartment location was a close-kept family secret; I wanted a life apart from the other Slayers and with effort, I got it. I knew where Zel and Lina hung out and avoided those places.

The impact of our break up hit me like an out-of-control freight train in the Ancient Clan lands— wild and fierce and leaving me in utter devastation. I wasn't even safe at night. I had to dream and re-dream about Xelloss. I even relived the first time we made love. It was shocking in clarity. When it resurfaced from my unconsciousness into a dream, the enormity of the emotional trauma sent me screaming into wakefulness. Sweat poured off my chest, I tore off my nightgown which had been hot and sticky then gone instantly cold and clammy against my skin. I was panting and anxious. I thought on awakening that I'd forgotten all about losing my virginity, breaking my long-held priestess vows. Such a momentous occasion! At the time, I had figured it wasn't such a big deal after all the fooling around we'd been doing. And it wasn't, then, but it was now. I had given him an irretrievable gift and I thought he had treasured it. A 'no return' policy included. But no, he had taken it from me. Taken it and then discarded it with all the words of love and trust and commitment we'd made. I hated the thought of giving him that first time.

He didn't love me, anymore! I had a panic attack over that. Herbs helped, so did time, and so did family and an old friend.

Fall ran into winter and into the spring. I graduated from college and returned to the settlement, where I helped my mother but did little else. Summer came and went like that, and then another fall. I remained in self-confinement at the settlement. I had missed everyone's graduation ceremonies, birthings, and new job celebrations, although I did receive invitations to attend them at my parent's address. It was a sad, pitiful life, but it was what I wanted. I hadn't the motivation to do a damned thing more.

I did see Val. I couldn't avoid him entirely when he came out to the settlement. The first time we saw each other I explained my wishes and, gods be with him, he honored those wishes and left me alone. But gradually, I softened somewhat and we began riding together. We never spoke about the other Slayers. He listened to my few words and cheered me up at bit with his wild and crazy stories. Boy, I needed a friend like him at the time.

Then came the blissful dreams of my life deeply in love with Xelloss, like persistent, wretched reminders of what was lost. I would be half asleep when I swear I could feel the bed sway with Xelloss' weight as he sank onto the mattress and swept to my side. But it hadn't. I even smiled when I recalled my irritation with his persistent need for loving. How he'd press his length along my thigh in urgent supplication, leaving a cool damp trail like a slimy slug. The look he gave me every time I asked him to 'put on some clothes' because he loved to wander his place naked all the time. The time I thought we had finally come to an agreement that he'd wear 'something' at the dinner table, only for him to greet me at the table sporting a strategically placed sock and a scarf of mine tied like a bow around his neck. He could be so childish and fun-loving and tender and fragile it hurt. I loved him so much. I missed him so much. I felt so hollow inside. I cried each time I thought about him, soaking my pillow in salty tears.

Not all the time. When I'd think of his eyes when he'd sung, 'It's you…', or his smile when he'd ask, 'Yes, love?' I couldn't help but tag on, 'Was it me?' or 'Who did you mean?' How could he say those things to me…and love Lina, too? How could he lie like that? How could he lie? How could he!

The anger, frustration, and pain would overwhelm me, and then I would pound my pillow to threads and send the feathers flying like dry leaves in autumn.

Pillows. I was running out of pillows.

In time, Val convinced me to go shopping at the mall on the outskirts of Seyruun. It was time I got out of my self-imposed purgatory and either start over or... well Val wouldn't let me go there, he promised. Instead, he drove me to the mall a few times and let me shop alone, when I wanted to, picking me up when I phoned. It was good to be around normal people again, and there, I gained another sorely needed friendship.

Pillows. I beat up, soaked, and otherwise destroyed many pillows. The forth time I entered the bedding department at the mall's anchor department store to buy a new pillow, which was the 'least expensive, feather but with as much down as possible, please,' the saleslady, a woman about my age, took me aside. "Listen, Hon, either you got man troubles or you've got more relatives moving in on you than you need."

I was about to object to the woman's audacity, but all my fight left me. I needed to gripe to someone, a woman who'd understand. "Man."

She nodded, "I thought so. Been there. How about I buy you a cup of…tea… in the coffee shop downstairs? I got break coming."

So, that's how I came to be pouring out my woes to a woman I hardly knew, but who could commiserate with me completely. She had been dumped more than once and had found peace alone. She was married now, but it had taken a lot of work on his part to get past her defenses. After I told her about the scene which caused our breakup, she asked a few questions which got me to thinking through the painful event.

"But you didn't catch all that he'd been sayin' to her, am I right? Maybe she wanted him to pay her some attention like, and he was trying to figure if she really cared about him or was just envious of what you and he had. Maybe she was latchin' on to him when you caught them?"

"She pushed him off. I saw that."

"She was shocked at seein' you. She was hiding it all from you. What did he tell you? He give you any kind of excuse?"

I shook my head, "I wouldn't have listened to it if he had, Miss ah…"

"Frieda, my name's Frieda, hon, and I think the situation calls for an evaluation. That's just what I think."

I sipped my tea, "Filia."

"Filia, now that's a pretty name."

I must have scrunched up my face at the unfamiliar, nasty, bitter taste of the beverage, because she wrinkled up her nose, too, and confessed, "Ugh, mine's pretty bad, too. Sorry 'bout this tea. I'm spoiled since my place closed up."

"Yeah? Where was that?" I asked.

"Downtown, the..."

"Mace and Vase," we said together.

"You went there too?" she asked.

I told her that it had been mine.

"No, kidding?" She was thrilled. "Um...terrific teas and delicious food and sometimes I'd see this guy there. Now he was mouthwatering. One of the waitresses said he was a rock musician. I tried to get him to notice me but, well...maybe he was a guy's guy. What, you know who I'm talkin' 'bout, right? Mr. Tall, Purple, and Mysterious?"

I smiled and shook my head, "That was, Xelloss. He was the owner and I his partner. He bought it with...ah...proceeds from his mother's estate when she died. He lived off the money from the band." My expression must have said a bit more.

She wondered that I'd give up a place like that and then it sunk in, "Oh, gawds...no...not him? That gorgeous Xelloss fellow was the cheating monster you broke up with? Oh, honey...cry all you like!"

I held my tears in check this time and sipped my tea as punishment. "We had known each other for years and been in love for half of them."

"But he never wanted to marry you, huh?"

I explained that conundrum. "I am a Cephied Believer and he is a White Shrine priest. It wouldn't have worked. One of us would have had to give up something just too important."

"Priest, eh? Who'da figured him for that? And he wouldn't join your clan, right?"

"He might have tried, but I'm certain they wouldn't have accepted him...extenuating circumstances, you see. But he might have given up his position otherwise. Not that that matters anymore."

"So, he wanted you a lot. Well, honey, what was stopping you from joining him?"

I explained that I would have had to leave my priestess position—not the end of the world for me—and lose my clan privileges and easy access to my family.

"And that was important? Listen, Hon, most married folks try to get away from their interfering in-laws and meddlesome relations. How much of your life did you figure you'da been staying out with that clan of yours, if you'd been married? Week or two each year? Surely, your old clan rules woulda let you visit a few weeks a year, right?"

More than that, far more time than that.

I realized that I had never really thought about what a marriage was, what it entailed. It meant building a new life, a new family, as well as fitting in with my old one. Why had I naturally expected Xelloss and me to settle down out on the settlement? He liked to go for visits, but I knew he belonged in the city. Hell, I liked the city, too! I hated the idea of being stuck out on the settlement for the rest of my life. In fact, I was getting restless being in such close proximity to my parents already, after having lived on my own for some time now.

What had I been thinking!

I had let Milgasia counsel me, but he was the head of my clan and he certainly wouldn't be giving me advice that would lead to my resignation. Had I spoken to someone else, say, Mrs. Gabriev, would I have gotten another kind of recommendation? Would Xelloss and I be together now? Happily married?

Ah, but then there was Lina... there had been Lina as well...

There was Lina and he loved her, didn't he?

Frieda and I stayed a little longer and talked. But when I went home that night, I had a lot to think about, and a couple new pillows to think with.

I started wondering what had become of Lina and Xelloss' romance. Lina would come to visit Luna and Julian out at the settlement, alone, never accompanied by Xelloss, but I made certain I was not there or available. Since I was clan and she was not, there were places I could go that she could not, so it wasn't hard. Plus, Luna was kind enough to always notify me prior to Lina's coming. Bless the Knight of Cepheid, may she live long. So, whatever relationship Lina and Xelloss had surrendered to, I was decisively ignorant of it.

By that spring, I was emotionally brittle but mentally stable. As far as I was concerned, Lina and Xelloss had been living out their dreams in blissful harmony. But Frieda's words had wormed there way into my consciousness, leaving behind doubts where certainty had once flourished. Val dropped in one afternoon to say hi and go riding. Actually, he was out of breath. He had driven like a bat out of hell to see me. It was important. That I know something. Good. I was ready to listen.

"Val, let's just go for a walk."

When Val told me Xelloss had remarried, I was unprepared. "Xelloss. I don't know what you wanna to know about him, but you outta know that Xelloss got married again, um…" Val began. His news was interrupted by the phone buzzing.

"Hold that thought. Hello? Luna, I'm with Val. Yeah, he just told me. Are you two in collusion or something? Oh, he just got back from where? Lina wants to talk to me? Why's that? Oh, I really don't think so... Lina's at your place alone? Then...it wasn't her? I'll think about it...bye."

I stared at Val, "He didn't marry Lina?"

Val looked at me as if I were nuts. "Lina? What makes you think they woulda gotten married. Shit, since you guys broke up, Lina hasn't even talked to him. Even on the road, she made Zel or Amelia the go-between; when he even played."

"But he was always in love with her. He met her...was with her in Zephillia. He was...kissing her that day... I never spoke to either of them after that."

"Ah, Fil, I don't know nothin' 'bout that. Nobody does. You never said a word; Xelloss didn't either. I do know 'bout Zephillia, 'cause I was there, too. No one knew 'bout that and he wouldn't give 'way my con-fee-den-shall info. But I can say fer an absolute fact that he and Lina had nothin' goin' on then. And I know that he barely survived yer leavin' him, but he wouldn't say a thing about it. He had a nervous breakdown, or somethin' and Zel put him in a hospital. When Zel got him out to go to Joey's graduation, he just left the continent and... now he's back, just today, and he said he's married to some woman no one's ever heard of. He's not happy, but he's not suicidal anymore." Val paused as he mulled over something I'd said earlier. "Wait... he didn't tell you he was havin' an affair with Lina, did he?"

"No...never..."

"'Course not. He couldn't say nothin' like that 'cause it wasn't true and he can't lie. His eyes give him all away. Zel told me. It's a part of his con-di-shun."

Xelloss hadn't lied to me? He hadn't married Lina. They had parted that same day. Then why the hell had Xelloss done that? Why had they been kissing? It must have been one-sided, his side, and Lina had turned him down. So, why hadn't he tried harder to get in touch with me? He certainly had the connections to discover my whereabouts? Yeah, I'd told him not to, but when had he ever let something like that get in his way? I was still trying to process that.

If he had wanted to get rid of me, that was one hell of a way to do it. Why?

"I need to talk to Milgasia, Val. Thanks for coming over."

He was going that way too and so walked me over while calling ahead on his cell phone. Mil was in.

That was when I first learned about Xelloss' prior meetings with my clan leader. That's when I found out that Xelloss had tried to gain approval from the Cepheid clan Supreme Elder to enter into the clan training program– five times. And he had been turned down five times, the last time the day I discovered him with Lina.

Milgasia told me how desperate Xelloss had been to find a way to marry me and that he thought Xelloss had set a deadline, by which time if no hope was left he would set me free.

"Do you think that last failure came at the deadline?" I asked.

Mil nodded. "I had a meeting set with him. He called first and when he heard the news, he cancelled our meeting and told me not to continue trying. I thought he was communicating all this to you. Had I any idea that you were uninformed... all those years..." He was unable to finish his thoughts. It was too late, after all.

"He set that whole thing up to get me to let go of him emotionally," I said. The realization was staggering. "He could have chased me and tried to convince me there was nothing between him and Lina he could have tried to get me back..."

"But he wanted you to be free, to have another chance to find someone you could marry, to have a full, complete life...before it was too late." Milgasia looked deeply into my eyes. "It's not too late to find someone in the clan who will make you a fine husband...Perhaps an older man would be better suited to..."

Tears sprang to my eyes, "How could he make such a decision like that without consulting me!" I interrupted Mils' nonsense. "All I wanted was him! I needed him for that! So, things didn't work out within his stupid timetable. He goes and does the one thing he knew I couldn't take and drove me off. He let me go. No, scratch that, he MADE me leave him! All that hurt for nothing... And then he went and remarried to put himself permanently out-of-bounds. All this time wasted! WASTED! I could kill him. I could just KILL HIM! I shall!"

Milgasia calmed me down after a bit. "On the good side, you've graduated from college, you're still young, and you are wiser..."

Ignoring the man– it was either that or knock his head cleeeeean off with the walking stick resting by his door. I knew he meant well, but I was on the warpath– I jumped to my feet and headed out the door. "Next...Lina!"

It was a rancorous, sweet, tearful, jubilant, emotionally releasing and bonding experience, meeting with Lina after our estrangement. She was mad as hell at the idiot (that would be Xelloss), but now Lina understood what his motives were at the time he initiated that kiss, and after a time...she was considering forgiving him. She wanted her band intact; she wanted her friends back. The past year or so had been a terrible drain on her and everyone. She told me about Zel's fight to save Xelloss from a mental slip into serious depression and I cried. I cried for us all and the pain I had caused. I had tried to cut myself out of the Slayers, but all I had accomplished was cutting the Slayers up. Lina assured me it wasn't my fault. She might have done the same thing, well…after killing Xelloss first.

That day, the healing began.

It took awhile, but one day shortly thereafter, I joined the band for a practice (Lina begged me!) and greeted Xelloss for the first time in over a year. Now, I would tell him where to go, twist off his head and drop-kick it onto the freeway for a game of dodge-ball.

One look.

His eyes met mine, "Forgive me?" his lips moved soundlessly.

He held me spellbound in that plum gaze. The thoughts of neck-twisting and head-launching, and the equally satisfying alternative of mashing his brains into the cement floor, vaporized on contact.

"Of course," I gasped breathlessly. All my fire piffled out.

And I meant it. It's him...

I did. It's him...

The hitch was: I was still in love... with him.

And the magic was back!

End -- SHJ Ten Year Reunion-- Chapter Eight.