–- SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –-2004-07-09

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis

Chapter Nine: And Inside Out

"Some of us might find happiness if we would quit struggling so desperately for it." -- William Feather

It was spring, nine years after the musical, with our 'Ten year Reunion' planned for the end of October (which made it more of a 'Nine and one half Year Reunion' party) but… --

Funny thing, with Xelloss married and so much pain in our recent past and then being in one another's company again, you'd have thought I would have been perfectly miserable. I wasn't. I was the happiest I'd been in more than a year. Was just seeing him enough? No. Was singing behind him and watching him eat while on the road enough? No. I wanted him back. I wanted him to look on me like he had before. I wanted him to stand up on stage and look me in the eye and then sing to the world 'It's You…" I wanted him to want me so bad that he'd leave that stupid, ugly little bitch of a wife he had and beg me to live with him.

I also knew that he wouldn't do that. He wouldn't leave her. He obeyed those damned marriage vows like a good White Shrine priest should. But I could see it in his eyes. The longing. Every so often when he didn't think I could see him. A reflected image in a window, behind sunglasses...a flicker before he hid his eyes in his bangs or a smile– desire, naked and raw. For me. I hoped it killed him, because it was going to be the death of me.

I have to say, Val was very, I'm tempted to say, doting at this time. He practically said he'd like to get something started between us again. And I might have, if I hadn't been single mindedly tracking Xelly.

There were some new songs, new to me, for which I had to learn my part. Sylphiel had taken over leadership of the chorus singers, in my absence. Someone had to and Amelia was Miss Busy. And what was cool, she was really good at it! Maybe it was motherhood?

Sylphiel explained to me, "See, this song was going to be Zel's song, but he claimed he hadn't the vocal range to do it. So, I thought that maybe Lina and Val should to do it as a duet, since they only had one song together and that one they did hardly ever. It's called 'How can I be sure?' Xelloss once chose it...I think he said the Young Rascals sang the song."

Sylphiel went on to tutor me on my part during a quick practice session a few hours before we went on stage, "All we sing is this part..."

I really liked how they worked out the parts, and so did the audiences that summer. I sang it with the band for the first time one evening at the beach, I think. It started with Val asking:

"How can I be sure

In a world that's constantly changin'?

How can I be sure

Where I stand with you?"

Lina's crisp, higher voice made a great contrast:

"Whenever I

Whenever I am away from you

I wanna die

'cause you know I wanna stay with you."

The song went on in this way with the two trading off parts and acting out their roles as two unsure lovers.

Lina was singing, now:

"Whenever I

Whenever I am away from you

My alibi is tellin' people I don't care for you."

Then Val once more again:

It's a pity

I can't seem to find someone

Who's as pretty 'n' lovely as you."

Together they sang with the rest of us doing backup vocals:

"How can I be sure?

I really, really, really, wanna kno-o-ow!

I really, really, really, wanna kno-o-ow!"

A short musical interlude cut in and then a return to the trade-offs, beginning with Lina this time:

"How's the weather?

Whether or not, we're together"

Then Val cut in with:

"Together we'll see it much better

I love you, I love you forever"

Lina her arm waving flippantly, telling him:

"You know where I can be found."

...giving rise to warm chuckles from the crowd. Val returned to the opening lament:

"How can I be sure

In a world that's constantly changing?

How can I be sure?"

Ending with them turning toward each other and singing the closing:

"I'll be sure with you."

Oh, yeah! The audience and fans loved those heart-felt songs interspersed between Lina's driving 'Never Give Up!' kinds of songs. And she wasn't singing any duets with Xelloss.

No, he was singing solo one of his older ones, 'But, but, but!' and a new one, another soulful ballad. This one he sang to the audience, who lapped it up like the treacle it was, called DAYDREAMER, by David Cassidy

"I remember April, when the sun was in the sky

Love was burning in your eyes

Nothing in the world could bother me

Cause I was living in a world of ecstasy"

We joined in for the chorus behind his vocals:

"But now you're gone

I'm just a daydreamer; I'm walking in the rain

Chasing after rainbows, I may never find again

Life is much too beautiful, to live it all alone

Oh how much I need someone, to call my very own"

Gods, the fans just started screaming again as he put on his choked-up voice to sing:

"Now the summer's over and I found myself alone

With only memories of you "

The girls were screaming and crying nearly wiping out his tender voice.

"...I was so in love, I couldn't see

'Cause I was living in a world of make believe"

It nearly drowned out the instrumental cues I needed (because it was really new for me) for my part in the chorus:

"But now you're gone

I'm just a daydreamer; I'm walking in the rain

Chasing after rainbows, I may never find again

Life is much too beautiful, to live it all alone

Oh how much I need someone, to call my very own "

Which we all just repeated a few times:

I'm just a daydreamer, ......I'm just a daydreamer baby..."

Xelloss belted out the 'baby', and then after that he just gave up and let the instrumentals take over. It was a pretty good song. And then he turned around and looked into my eyes. I thought it had just been sweat, but those were real tears he wiped away before climbing back to his drums.

Amelia was looking up into my face and stuffing a cloth handkerchief into my hand, "Filia? Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I burbled through my own tears.

Gods, it was a great song. Lucky for me, we only had two more songs after that one, and then a three hour break until our second set in the evening. I wasn't holding together as well as I thought I would and he was not acting like a happily married man, to me.

We were back in our hotel rooms, when Xelloss' wife, Shanna, burst into the room Lina and I were sharing. The poor thing was crying. She looked about twelve, though I knew she was at least twenty, but tiny, skinny, dark… Why she was coming to us, I couldn't fathom at the time. We were the least sympathetic people I knew.

"Hey, your gettin' my shirt all wet," Lina told the weepy thing, pushing her off a ways. "Buck up and quit sniveling. What's the matter?"

"X-xelloss..."

"Oh ho, don't go on about him with us," Lina warned her.

"I have to talk to someone about his problem. Miss Amelia and Mr. Zelgadiss said I should talk to you two."

"They did?" Lina's eyes narrowed as she shot a glance to the door adjoining our room to Amelia's.

I thought that had been an odd thing for them to do, but after some consideration, I began to wonder. Zel had completed his medical school degree and to the surprise of us all...was interning in psychiatry! He didn't do this for no good reason. Zel had a plan. I decided to play along, "Okay, well come sit down and tell Lina and me all about it. There's nothing we don't know about Xelloss."

But I was wrong. It took a little inducement from us, a small glass of wine, but eventually she opened up and let the flood gates open.

"At first I thought he was a real gentleman, taking his time...giving us a chance to really know one another...waiting for our wedding night..."

Lina was tiring of this fast, "Yeah, yeah...so he didn't hop into the sack with ya right off, so?"

The woman sniffled a bit, "Well, then he was busy and traveling. Then I decided that he was seeing other women. I mean, fans are after him all the time...but he said it wasn't that."

"You're telling us that for all the time you've been married, you haven't had sex together yet?" Lina knew how to cut to the chase.

"Yes. He won't admit it, but I think he's impotent! So young!" she burst into tears.

"Or it's you..." Lina muttered in a low tone.

I saw my chance, evil little me. "He didn't tell you that he's gay then? I figured after the mess with his first wife he would have learned better. But I guess he just keeps trying to pretend that he can change. 'Course you can't change a thing like that, but he's so sweet to keep trying. You been traveling with Kiki yet? Yeah? Ask her about the time Zel stopped her wedding to Xelloss. It was a kiss to end all kisses... Ah...wait up! We have more stories for you!"

"You were awful!" Lina admonished me the moment the little thing ran out of our room.

"Yeah," I smiled. "Think I ruined his chances of connubial bliss? Hey, if he's avoiding sex, and I gotta tell you, that is not in his character, then it's a cry for help. I just did what I could. He can deny it or run with it."

"He'll be mad at you."

"For what? Calling him gay? I did that before and he got over it."

"Filia! Not Xelloss, I'm talking about Zel. You just implicated him in your little scheme. He won't like that."

I smiled, "Well, I'll let Amelia get him out of that."

Lina did a double-take. "Huh? Something I don't know about?"

"Maybe," I smiled more, imitating Xelloss more than I knew.

A frown creased Lina's face. "You are still the spoiled, 'got to have what she wants' girl you were in high school."

Her words stung as if she had slapped me. I had balled up a load of feelings inside me for her, not all good, and now I was about going to explode. She must have too, because she nearly blew me away.

"Filia, you tossed Xelloss away without giving him a chance to explain, not that I woulda blamed ya at the time, but then ya cut the rest of us off without a word– like it was our fault, which it wasn't...'specially me. Then when he's got his life pieced back together, you come waltzing back, picking up where you left off with us, and expect him to drop everything and come crawling back. Is that it? That's what it looks like, Filia. In fact, now you've gone and sabotaged his apparently shaky marriage and implicated Zel as well! What is it with you? If you can't have him, you have to make sure no one else does? Maybe he has a medical problem, maybe he's sick and can't...whatever. And don't make me pick sides when the shit hits the fan, 'cause it's a hellofa lot easier replacing a backup singer than my drummer!"

Huh? I was the bad guy here? I hadn't seen it from others' point of view before. On the other hand, she was wrong.

"Okay, Lina. I heard you out. Now, it's my turn. I didn't drop him because I was tired of him, I did it because I thought he was tired of me and wanted you. I wasn't about to get in the way of his lifelong love affair with Lina Inverse. Speaking of spoiled and greedy, if you don't want him for yourself, why not release him from whatever hold you have over him? You took pity on poor Gourry and let him make a life...maybe Zelgadiss and Val too, I don't know about them. But Xelloss is waiting, I knew it then and I know it now. And if there's a problem with his marriage, then I'm not going to let you blame me for anything. He let Zel onto something so Zel could send her my way...like a test. There's no medical problem. That's nonsense. I just let Xelly-bean know I care still. He will get the message."

Lina checked her anger and stewing over what I had said. "I'm gonna let most of the bad feeling stuff go between us. I did that some time ago, I thought, but I guess a bit came back just now. Sorry 'bout that."

Our angry eyes met and softened. Lina was sorry. I was sorry. Our two strong wills had clashed and what were left were two soul-mates bonded together by a complex past.

"Listen, Fil, he's pretty attractive, I've got to admit, but...I really don't want Xelloss in my future the way you do; just as a member of the band and good friend. I hav'ta come clean, though he has a certain charm and can be tenacious... I can tell you are in love with him in a way I can't be—or at times even fathom."

So we talked and talked and I made her understand why our lives were in limbo. How he had sought the clan training program to no avail and behind my back. How I wasn't willing to have him give up the priesthood for me, but never told him. I would never marry, if that was the only way I could be with him, but knew he wanted children and couldn't reconcile that outside of marriage– another unspoken situation between us. And finally, how I had come to realize that leaving the clan was not the dreadful option I once considered it to be.

"I may just leave the clan, if there's any hope for us."

"You two need to talk," Lina said. "It sounds messy but not entirely hopeless and at least it would be more honest, not that I'm particularly good about that either. 'Course if you were wrong in assuming he sent his wife to you to be undone...well...that will probably kill any remaining chance and affection he may have for you."

"I know him that well. I have no doubts," I assured Lina, as a knock on the door interrupted our continued conversation.

"If this is Xelloss, you may find out," Lina said in a low voice, then louder shouted, "Yeah, we're decent!"

"Decent? Then I must have the wrong room," Zelgadiss' familiar low voice ended in a faint chuckle. "No? I see, it's Lina and Filia, just the people I wanted to see." Zelgadiss folded his arms over his chest and stared at me, as he asked "What did you say to her?"

"Why?" I asked. He didn't seem angry at all, even cracked a joke, but I hadn't spoken to Zel lately and couldn't read his mood well.

"Well," he looked at the edge of the bed. "Mind if I sit?" I shook my head and he sat. "Shanna just came back into our room. She asked about Kiki and the wedding-that-never-happened, which Xelloss had neglected to mention to her."

"What did you say?" I asked. Zel appeared calm, a good thing.

"The basics: forced marriage ceremony happily interrupted by a surprise disclosure by me. All in a day's fun for the Slayers."

"That all?" Lina asked him.

"No, it seems that story confirmed both what you had told her and what she suspects about her husband. Did you tell her Xelloss was gay?"

That was Zel. Direct. I returned in kind. "Yes. It seemed kinder for her to believe that than that he didn't find her desirable, don't you think so? Does she look like a stringy girl or pretty boy to you, Zel?"

Zel shook his head and let out a big sigh. "You know, he didn't want to marry this one, but she caught him at a low point and manipulated him somehow into believing she could make him happy, I guess."

I broke in. "He must have been nuts."

"He was in a vulnerable state and maybe he hoped it was true. But...when he saw you back with the band..." Zel's serious face grew lighter. He smiled, "He came out of his depression overnight. He and I had a talk. Filia, I have to know how you feel about him."

For Zel to be concerned and involved in 'affairs of the heart' nearly floored me, but his direct question actually did. I slipped off the other side of the bed where I had been perching, and hit the floor hard. "Owwwww!"

"She's still got a thing for him, Zel. The two need to talk about their problems and, say...can you get him in here while you and I go for a walk. I gotta idea," Lina asked.

The two of them were out the door before I had stood up. I wasn't sure I could talk face-to-face...alone with Xelloss. I wasn't sure what would happen. There was just so much emotional baggage in the way!

I found out later that Amelia and Xelloss' wife met in the hotel's coffee shop for some girl-talk, while Zel and Lina directed Xelloss to my room, before hiding away in Zel's room for their own dark discussions.

I knew from the knock on the door, that Xelloss was on the other side. I was faced with the decision: let him in or not. It was too late to pretend indifference. "Come in."

The door opened and closed quietly. My heart ached for him while for a hairs-breath of time we stood distanced, yet ensnared in one another's gaze.

I nearly doubted him.

Then he cleared the space between us in two strides and embraced me. "Filia...oh, gods...Filia..." Further words were lost in a kiss.

We poured all our passions past, present, and future into that kiss.

It was some time, countless heartbeats passed, before we parted and then only a few inches. "We have to talk," he said the dreaded phrase in a near-whisper.

"When? We play our second set real soon."

"After the gig then."

"It will be late."

"But not...too late," his body rubbed against mine and I hugged him tightly again, unable to bear another parting.

"I want you," I whispered.

"I know, but..." his voice shook with emotions held in check. "I can't… not while I'm married to someone else. We'll talk about..."

"What happened? You and I forgot to communicate about the most important things happening to us and..."

"I could offer you nothing," Xelloss sobbed into my shoulder.

"I would give up everything," I fought back tears.

There was a quiet, polite tap at the door, then Sylphiel's voice, "Time to get into costumes and meet behind stage in twenty minutes for the last sound test. Sorry guys."

We were straightening our clothes and standing apart by the time we heard her footsteps leaving. Xelloss smiled and ran a finger across my lips, "You look beautiful."

I smiled back and told him, "So do you."

As it turned out, Xelloss called me a couple of times to make certain it wasn't all a dream, but we didn't have a chance to meet privately until the next week. I had moved back into Lina's house, but was still half packed.

So, there I was. I was waiting, thinking about unpacking, but not actually doing it. Lina was out leading a literary discussion group on campus. She had successfully published her monolithic Seyruun High Jinx Trilogy … and received a full professorship at Seyruun University.

Anyway, I was home waiting for Xelloss to arrive because he had called earlier to say he was ready and able to talk. He must have known how stressed out it made me to think about what all he might tell me, because he wasted no time letting me know where things stood the moment he stepped into the house.

From out of his jacket pocket, he withdrew a folded paper and whispered, "Annulment."

Wordlessly, I dragged him into my room and then...I don't know how we did it but we both stripped one another and made the hottest, sweatiest, neediest love we ever had. Well, more sex than love, but we were both hungry for the other and desperate to regain some of our magic from the past. When it was over, we showered. To give you an idea how long that took, we had to rinse out our hair in cold water!

We saved the best for last, making love again, but this time slowly and with caring. After that necessary mutual reassurance, we began to tell each other about our dreams and fears. But first he explained about himself.

"What shocked me was your getting married so soon...so fast," I said. "What made you do such a thing?" I was not going to even mention Lina. No, if he wanted to talk about her, then he could but it was still a tender spot for me, one that I didn't need to aggravate myself.

"Depression...and messed up my drugs with poor habits...bad food, too little sleep, and...more alcohol than I should have and...she came and helped me and one thing led to another. I needed company, Filia. I don't do well alone. I wanted you to have another chance finding...a man you could marry."

"Next time you get a stupid idea like that, consult me first. I would have set you straight on that," I poked his chest for emphasis.

"Yes, dear," he said, looking down and away submissively.

I could see him fighting back a smile so I knew he was teasing me. I wondered how his annulment happened so expeditiously.

"That...would be Amelia's doing. She helped with the filling– you know...dotting the 'i's' and crossing the 't's', red-flagging it to the top of the pile, expedite, expedite!" He fell back facing down onto the bed. "What are we going to do, Filia? We can't live in limbo forever."

"I'm not certain, but I think the key lies with Lina, don't ask me why." I watched his smile fade and then he looked away. "What's the matter? We'll figure something out, Xelly-bean. We will be together, no matter what. I've decided that giving up the clan wouldn't be such a traumatic experience for me."

"Please, don't do that yet. Hold on. I have a few last details to clear up overseas."

"That means...you're leaving soon. For how long?"

"I leave tonight. I will meet everyone for the gig next week, leave again the next morning, and return...I see you for the next couple months at gigs and...an over-night if I can. I'll be back in time for our reunion party. I won't be able to help you with the decorations, like I said I would."

I couldn't hide my disappointment at that news, and I don't mean the decorating part. "So much for having you back in my life again. Sorry, that's the spoiled bitch in me letting her feelings out. I think Lina's been doing the planning for the party, but..."

"I promised her food and drink delivery. That I can arrange, but I won't be there to personally set it up."

"Give the caterer's my name and number as the contact and I'll take care of it. Between that and decorating I'll be a busy girl and not be counting the seconds until you show up." That technical part was easier to discuss than the emotional part.

"I'll not keep you waiting a moment longer than that which is out of my control," he said meaningfully. Ours eyes met and I sank onto him for a deep kiss. I tried to sink all my love into it.

"That gives me something to take with me. I don't want to go but..."

"I know, but it's not so bad knowing you're coming back to me. You do promise not to go and get married on this trip?"

"You are so mean!" He laughed. "Oh, I have something of yours I need to return." He removed something from his pocket and pressed it to my palm.

"The key…" I knew that key very well. "I'll reopen the shop. And I know just who I'll hire to run the tea business."

"Who's that?"

"Her name's Frieda. She was a customer at the store. A great admirer of yours, too. But mostly, a great new friend on mine."

"Sounds like the perfect choice. I can't wait to meet her when I get a chance."

An hour later he was gone, but I didn't feel alone. I felt him filling that empty space he had left in my heart when we parted in this house before. Filling me up with optimism and anticipation. I knew I'd be lonely, but I could take that for a short time. Besides, with the Mace and Vase to reopen, Frieda to contact, school work to finish up before the year was over, and the reunion party and concert to prepare for right after that, I'd get through it all okay, because Xelloss loved me back.

Then Zel-bob called me. He was in Sairaag, but was willing to drive all the way just to talk to me.

"That's okay. I'm open to anything right now. Just tell me over the phone."

He started to tell me about my controlling interest in Wolfpack Island. "Yeah, I know and so does Xelloss. He did that long ago to make an impression on me. So what?"

"Lina and I thought that you could use that as leverage over the Supreme Council. They should either allow Xelloss admission to the clan, or lose the island, the ultimate ultimatum; that is if his joining the clan is still what you guys want. You would have to be prepared to actually leave your clan, should they refuse..."

Of course! "Zel-bob! Great idea! I'll give it a try and if they don't care, then the hell with them all. The clan can stuff it for all I care. I've given them years of my life and they can't see fit to do one tiny, little thing for me. Well, I'll just quit. Xelloss is far more important to my future than them!And Luna had better act as my deux ex machina in this or I'll... I'll think of something!"

Yes! Now I had power of my own to wield. Oh yeah! And I'd get through it all okay, because Xelloss loved me. He always had.

Note:Parts of the song 'How can I be sure?' were from the song by theYoung Rascals. Parts of the song DAYDREAMER wereby David Cassidy

End -- SHJ Ten Year Reunion-- Chapter Nine.