Disclaimer: Come on now! This is FAN fiction. It means the original ain't mine, never was… never will be. Duh.
Chapter Nineteen: And Miles to Go Before I Sleep
Fudge was pleased but a bit disappointed that he could not credit Aurors with their safe return. Dumbledore did not mention Hermione Granger's absence and did not alert him to the wards' weaknesses. If the Ministry knew, everyone in Europe would find out by breakfast.
Classes resumed without comment and parents' minds were put at ease. All in all, the girls had mostly caught up with their classes, except Transfiguration. That was a practical discipline and no sticks could substitute for their wands. They met as a group with Professor McGonagall and quickly learned to vanish mice (for the fifth years) and transfigure a chair into a desk (for the fourth years). Sixth year students learned the form of their Animagus, should they choose to pursue transformation. Minerva was astonished at their rapid progress with such advanced magic, these young ladies were focused in a way they hadn't been before the spell.
After a few days of noisy chattering, everything appeared to return back to normal. The Headmaster had turned away all reporters. He would give no story except to say that they had returned. In turn each of the students had the opportunity to come and discuss her experiences during the spell and in the cave. He had lifted the girls gag order, with the request that they not go into too much detail of the spell. He was somewhat surprised to find that they didn't want to discuss it with anyone at all.
With each passing story of survival and sacrifice, Dumbledore was feeling prouder still of these young women as they discussed how they overcame personal obstacles, wrestling with the consequences of secrecy, contemplating giving up their virginities just to remain safe, and after seeking shelter in the cave—how they coped with the knowledge that Hermione would not return. Very few girls became privy to the knowledge of the ward's alternate weakness. Pansy did not want anything else to distract the girls from their studies by piling more concerns on their shoulders about circumstances out of their control; they had born too much already. So only Millie, Daphne and Luna were informed of this in addition to Pansy and Ginny. In fact, they wholeheartedly supported her decision to leave knowing that she was truthful about the spell failing. If Hermione said there were no other options, they took her at her word. They were deeply concerned about their friend, but not at all interested in looking for her.
Harry of course was a different matter. He came to Dumbledore's office the next day asking to see Hermione's parents. "We have to put out some contacts for her to know we are looking for her! Then if she sees these people, they can at least give us word of her safety."
"Miss Granger made it abundantly clear she does not wish to be found and not to come looking for her Harry…" Dumbledore began.
Harry interrupted his thought. "How can you say that?! I know she's mature an' everything, but we just can't leave her out there! She's just being stubborn, and needs our help whether she wants to see that or not…"
"My dear Harry, you didn't let me finish. I agree with you." Dumbledore floo'ed Molly and moments later, Doctors Wendy and Robert Granger were seated beside Harry. The Grangers had enough of isolated cabin life, and they were relocated to an alternate location at the Burrow.
"Harry, so good to see you," said Hermione's mother.
"Dr. Granger, I am so sorry about Hermione. I really wanted to do something, and given the circumstances I think the Muggle way would be best," Harry proposed.
"No police of course," Dumbledore interjected.
"Why not?" Robert asked.
"Because there may be links to Death Eaters. We won't have any guarantees that any information could not be leaked. Their radio frequencies can be monitored," Dumbledore explained.
"What we should do, is make a list of all of her friends, family, acquaintances, and hang-outs. She's not going to be hiding in the wizarding world. It's too dangerous, and after the press, too many people would recognize her. She's going to be fading into the Muggle world, I'm sure of it." Harry made each statement like a personal conviction.
Many hours later, Harry had prepared an exhaustive list and had prioritized it based on where he would go. Either accompanied by Lupin or Snape, he started with obscure friends, places he felt others wouldn't check first. He went personally to meet each contact and one neighbor had recognized his name from Hermione's conversations about school. Harry felt a little jump in his heart at the mention of their friendship, he felt he had a connection. This friend had been particularly upset at Hermione's disappearance.
"It's not like her to do that, I don't understand it. You swear she wasn't kidnapped?" asked Jake.
"I'm positive. But she is in a lot of danger. Please contact me at this number right away if she comes to you or contacts you in any way. We just want to make sure she's okay." Harry explained. Maybe Hermione would come here. Hermione's childhood home was still being watched and wards were still in place on their home.
While Snape was disgruntled over Albus permitting Potter to coordinate part of the search, Dumbledore was actually pleased with his decision. Harry was very motivated, was taking responsibility, and having the opportunity to help in this way would curb any reckless attempts at heroism by Harry and Ron.
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Pansy was stunned the next day when her mother, Patricia Parkinson came to school alone. She took her aside and hugged her. Pansy couldn't remember the last time her mother had held her so tightly. It irritated Pansy a bit, that her mother was the gushing, doting parent now after permitting what had transpired last summer.
"You can't know," her mother said, "how happy we were that you are finally safe from the Dark Lord. The Headmaster explained it to me. Darling, I'm so sorry you had to do this at all." Her mother's face streamed with tears and all Pansy could feel was anger.
"Why is that? Why now are you so glad and not last summer trying to hide me or something?!" Pansy scoffed. "Is Dad angry that we ruined ol' Voldie's attempt to break into Hogwarts and kill us all?"
Her mother slapped her across the face for her casual reference, immediately shocked she had done so. "Do not say his name! How dare you!" She hissed.
"What?! WHAT! He's an evil, sadistic bastard and I can't believe you'd support him!" She cried.
"Pansy Parkinson, you do not know every little thing in our family," Patricia defended angrily.
"What's to know, except secrets and pretentious parties you hosted all of my life? I don't want to come home, mother. Not ever. I'm not going back there and I'm not talking to father ever again!"
Pansy's wide-eyed mother was both incensed and afraid. She grabbed her defiant child by the shoulders and pulled her to a seated position beside her. "Pansy, I am your mother and you will listen to me. When I married your father, he hadn't taken the Dark Mark yet, and things appeared relatively simple. We were raised in pureblooded families and most of our friends were pureblooded. I didn't notice then how strongly he felt about Muggleborns. In fact, until he joined, I don't think he did either. Marriage is for life, Pansy—so if you get married you make absolutely sure you know what you're getting into. Discuss everything, nothing is too trivial. Once I was in, there were… expectations of me and I did them. That's why there were parties and revels, cancelled vacations and late nights for your father. You think I chose that?" The words were tumbling off her lips from her chest weighed down with so much secrecy over they years. This was the first real conversation she could remember having with her mother in a long while. "At least Kendra's mother attempted to hide her for months, but…"
"Kendra? You know about Kendra?" Pansy leaned forward worried.
"Her mother was found and Kendra taken probably some time last October. They murdered Kendra's mother for it, Pansy." Patricia hollow voice shook with fear. "I could only hide you at your aunt's until school. Patrick wouldn't let me leave with you. And before you think your own father would want you dead, he really has no choice in the…"
"No choice? No choice? He had a choice back when he first took the fucking mark!" Pansy's eyes filled with frustrated tears. "I'll give you choice! Twenty girls just sacrificed their virginity to save Hogwarts from something that should've never happened! That was their choice, but they could've chickened out to save their own skins and just got shagged. We went up against Malf…"
"Lucius Malfoy?"
Pansy had said too much. Shit.
"He's in terrible shape, Narcissa said he was recuperating for weeks over Christmas." Patricia said unsteadily.
Good, fucking bastard. "We didn't do that… That wasn't us mother. Don't mention about him to anyone, okay?" Pansy was quickly trying to undo the damage she'd caused.
Her mother looked strangely at her, and hadn't the foggiest idea what her daughter was getting at. It became obvious to her she hadn't been told everything. Gods, what did you do?
"Pansy, I won't make you come home, if you don't want to," her voice broke. "I can set you up somewhere else or maybe Dumbledore could, with my permission. I'm sorry this hasn't… that you're life hasn't been what you'd like." Patricia dabbed a hankie to her red eyes. Pansy finally relented and hugged her mother. It was awkward, but a new beginning as much as anything. Pansy hoped things with her mother could be better, but she just could not be sure. This wasn't the open, loving parent she'd had all of her life. She didn't know who this woman was, so her only conclusion could be that she wasn't real.
Later on, she entered the Great Hall for dinner and passed up the vacant seat beside Malfoy for the end of the row. She wanted to eat alone. When she saw Draco, she immediately thought of her mother's conversation that day and of his father's health. She suspected Voldemort had punished him, maybe for failure. Who could guess? Her father also had come home unable to walk at times. One time she remembered, mother had to feed him nothing but broth for a month. They never talked about it, but Pansy knew who had been responsible— Voldemort. Why should she have any love for him? Instead of eating, Pansy placed a hand on her throbbing temple. She wasn't feeling well.
Before she knew it Millie was at her side, sitting beside her and not with some crude remark but with genuine concern. "I didn't see you much today. Are you alright? Sorry, strike that. Stupid question. Are you going to be alright?"
Pansy let out a puff of air. "Yeah. I guess so." Millie got the message and left her to eat in silence.
Severus Snape noticed the exchange from the Head Table. Pansy was definitely not the same girl from last summer. She hadn't lost her spark, but had become hardened, like tempered steel— cautious in a way she had not been before. He watched her the previous evening with the other SOS members at the head of Gryffindor table, she had almost mothered them. Millie too, they were learning to lead and parent these girls in ways they themselves had not been shown. The girls, all of the girls, not just the Slytherin peers, looked up to Bulstrode and Parkinson since the ordeal. Perhaps The Order has new allies. If he had been asked last year who would be inducted into the Death Eaters after graduation, Millicent and Pansy would've been on top of his list after Malfoy, Goyle and Crabbe. He watched as Draco approached her. Knowing what had transpired and Pansy's bitter remarks about not blessing Draco, he wondered how this would turn out.
He slipped into the seat next to her. "Pansy, I don't know what's bothering you today. But if you want to talk…"
"I don't have anything to say to you, Draco," she hissed under her breath. "I need to be alone, and that doesn't require anything of you except your absence."
The comment stung him, but for all Draco knew her cold statements could have nothing to do with him. He departed quietly, but left a small note behind.
She noticed the message after he left and angrily scanned it. Will be on the labyrinth bench beside the tuberoses until eight if you need. D
Great. She didn't know what to tell him. She was too exhausted to care. Hermione had really been preoccupying her mind and wished she had a way to talk to her. She had been her ear all of these months and like Kendra, she'd lost her too. Draco was still in the dog house and she didn't really want to banter around the bush about relationships and trivial crap when there was still so much more going on.
She barely ate anything and opted for tea. Discarding the cold dregs on the table she walked the grounds and before she knew it she was walking toward the creeping vines where Draco was waiting for her. 'What are you doing?' Her breath was visible in the winter air as she argued with herself. She turned around and went back toward the entrance, then doubled back determined not to chicken out.
Gravel crunched under her feet signaling her arrival to a surprised Draco. "I thought you wouldn't come," he said.
"I didn't expect to either." She paced. Draco remained silent, she had too much on her mind for him to interrupt her thoughts with his own selfish concerns, his own fumbled apologies. The best apology he could give her would be to be a good friend. His father had been a slick talker, saying everything politely with a silver tongue, the eloquence of a shrewd liar. Draco wanted to be the genuine article. It pained him immensely that he didn't know what was real about his own father.
"My mother came today and it's like I don't even know her." Pansy turned away from Draco, unwilling to show glassy eyes. "She came to see that I was okay, but it's like— for months she didn't seem to even care, so I'm thinking— 'why now' mother?"
Draco stood and held out an embroidered handkerchief with his initials. "I haven't felt like I've known my father since You-Know-Who came back. But I've been looking back farther than that, and now I'm wondering if I even knew him at all."
Pansy faced him and met eyes that matched her own. He does understand. And it isn't bullshit.
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Harry carried his cell phone everywhere. He'd picked one up the same day he pounded the pavement, talking to Hermione's friends. Frequently he would reach into his pants pocket to check it for messages, as if the contact with his hand would somehow activate the ring. Hermione led a different life in the non-magical world and learned many details about her from Muggle friends than he had not known in almost six years of friendship. Before going away to boarding school, Hermione used to swim competitively at her school—he had seen the pictures taken with her childhood friend. Jake talked freely of their friendship and they'd known each other since they were six. Jake knew she sang… practically the first thing he mentioned. He attended the same church as she did, went to mass with her on Sundays during the summer. He even gave Harry the name of the club where she sang once, suggesting she might go there to make some cash. Harry sometimes felt like he and Ron were Hermione's closest friends, that no one knew her as well as they did. After talking with Jake, Ginny and even Pansy, he had to accept that was not entirely true.
There was no word, and Ron sulked quite a bit, distracted by the absence of their third musketeer. It was disconcerting to see life at Hogwarts go on without her. Daphne walked with Ron out to the gardens after dinner and let him vent.
"I can't believe she wouldn't even let Dumbledore try to help her!" He huffed. Bloody mad she is…
"Ron, she's doing what she thinks is best for everyone. She really wanted to come back. She was so worried about how you and Harry would take it," she soothed. Daphne really had a soft side to her, but she wasn't used to playing it up so much.
"I'll tell you how I'm taking it," Ron grumbled. "I just wish you could pass along the message to Hermione so she'd know! She doesn't know what we're going through! Her parents must be beside themselves!"
"Ron, stop it. There is nothing we can do about Hermione leaving and we can only hope that she is safe and will send us news soon. But hope for her to call us or let us know she is okay is purely selfish. I'm sure she's fine." Daphne looked straight at Ron and nudged him a bit to wake him up from his pity party.
They walked in silence a bit longer until Ron gathered up the courage to ask her what had been on his mind since her return. "Um… Daphne? When Ginny came back she was all…well, um she was…" he stammered, gulped, and blushed.
Daphne got the picture. "You mean she came here and attacked Harry because she was randy?"
Ron looked shocked and flushed pink. He hadn't expected her to say it like that.
"What? It's the truth… oh. You're wondering why I didn't maul you." Daphne snickered a bit, then bit her tongue that she'd laughed at him. Ron blushed more furiously. She laughed some more. "I'm sorry, Ron. You're attractive and all, don't get me wrong. And I like you, but the spell of desire wore off after the Yule Ball. After that only Hermione, Pansy and Ginny were affected."
"Does that mean you're not attracted to me anymore?" Ron blurted out.
Merlin, so insecure! "No. It means that I don't have the added pressure of some spell making me want to shag you senseless in the middle of class." Ron laughed a bit and realized she was serious.
Boys. Daphne held his hand and continued walking. She had to get over this mushy stuff. It was making her sick.
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It was the end of the second week of school and Friday evening the mark burned black again. Voldemort wanted answers. Thankfully, Snape had a few to give him. He just hoped he wouldn't shoot the messenger.
"My Lord," Snape knelt.
"What news do you have?" Voldemort asked with squinted eyes.
"They have returned to Hogwarts in good health. The girls knew of the wards' vulnerabilities, and returned the spellbook to Lupin."
"So they are not unprepared. And what do you know of the objects of their desire?" Voldemort salivated.
"Weasley and Parkinson consummated their relationships immediately upon their return," Snape said angrily. "Told Dumbledore, desire made them do it," he added distastefully.
Voldemort let out a hiss, "I am certain it happened that way. This is no ordinary spell, but you left someone out. What of the Mudblood?"
Snape dreaded this. "She did not return, my Lord. No one knows where she is, she told no one. Dumbledore is furious."
"I wonder why she didn't return…" Voldemort thought and Severus clenched his jaw in anticipation of the next order. "Excellent. She wants to go it alone does she? She knows she's being hunted. Perhaps she has a Muggle for a lover."
"I do not believe so, my Lord." Snape felt the need to provide more information. If the Dark Lord thought she may have a friend on the outside then potential contacts for Hermione would be killed, and she would have less opportunities on the outside.
Voldemort stopped his pacing and turned on the younger wizard, "Indeed? Go on."
"The girls indicated the reason for her return was that she couldn't complete her portion of the spell…"
Voldemort laughed, his cold cackling chilled Snape. "That means when we find her, Dumbledore will fall. The wards will be lifted and dreaded Potter will be no more!"
He immediately called an emergency meeting of the Death Eaters and Snape knew was going to be another long night.
Later that evening he returned to Dumbledore's office and discussed the events with him and Lupin.
"Lucius is furious that his son was responsible for bringing up the wards even part of the way. He of course, to save face will insist he take the mark by his next birthday," Snape explained.
"When does he turn seventeen?" Lupin asked.
"April twentieth," Dumbledore said. "I am not certain he is as strong willed and stubborn as he was last year before his father's embarrassing exposure at the Ministry, and after the Yule Ball…"
"I'll talk to him," Snape said. Though it won't change anything.
"See that you do," Dumbledore impressed upon him.
"We cannot wait," Snape groaned. "They will not stop until they have found her. Hermione used a portkey to leave the cave. Let's at least start there and see if we can trace the charm."
"I'll get Filius," Remus said.
Soon afterwards Snape, Flitwick, Lupin and Dumbledore were in the dark cave with only lanterns for light. Professor Flitwick pulled out a map and removed a large pointed amethyst crystal from around his neck. He muttered a complex charm and held the crystal over the map, while he stood where Hermione had stood. Snape watched in frustration as Flitwick cast a sequence of charms on the crystal, and saw him repeat the effort.
Flitwick grumbled, but almost bubbled. "This is definitely where she cast the Portus charm, but I can't believe she hid her tracks so well. This very advanced magic." The crystal didn't move the slightest bit. "It looks like she never left, like the destination and the departure point are identical. Aurors use this charm in emergencies and I only know a few who are capable of casting it. No one will be able to track her. At this rate if Miss Granger were to return, I'd have her take her NEWTS now and be done with it." He folded the map and shoved it in his pocket.
For once they gave Hermione too much credit. The crystal hadn't moved because she was not but a half a mile away. Such a small map could not show such distinctions.
Lupin sighed. "At least the Death Eaters will have to start at zero too."
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In the morning at breakfast Ron munched eggs nearly choking to death on a sausage when the Daily Prophet was dropped on the plate in front of him.
"Bluh..eee," He swallowed a mouthful of food. "Bloody hell."
Ginny grabbed the paper taking a gander for herself and threw it back at him. "It's crap." She continued to eat like she had read nothing, but scanned the room for the reactions of her classmates.
"Hogwarts Heroines or Juvenile Delinquents?" Harry's eyes flashed hotly as he read aloud, " 'The famous twenty students who went missing, throwing the wizarding world in to a tailspin have miraculously returned free from harm. While it was initially reported that they in some way fled the school in fear for their safety, they in actuality appear to fooled us all. They showed up a week delinquent into the school year with no apparent concern, resuming their classes without discipline or interruption as if nothing happened. Perhaps their spell was merely an attempt to gain publicity or attention from peers? So many of the group were outcasts....' Outcasts?" Harry growled harshly.
"Just outrageous. We don't give interviews so they can print any damn fool thing they like and fill in the blanks to sell papers. What rubbish! Don't listen to it Harry, they know nothing," Ginny said, attempted to hide her own frustration which was growing exponentially by the second.
"Oh really?" Ron interjected. "They listed names." He jabbed a finger at the newspaper leaving a wrinkle where his finger used to be. "Look there, Laura and Emma were listed. And there's an exposé all on Hermione. Well, everyone knows she's gone now. Bugger all." Ginny fumed and swiveled around to catch glimpse of Pansy, who was halfway through with the article. She left in an angry mood to approach her friend.
"We need to talk with the others," Ginny said.
"What's to talk about," Daphne said. "We all know it's bullocks. Don't take it so seriously."
Millie answered, "We may be fine, but look at Emma and Laura." Looking over at the other table, they saw them practically in tears over pumpkin juice. "Let's go."
Several of the younger members were about to tear out of the Great Hall before Ginny and Millie could approach them. Then Pansy stopped halfway, whistling loudly through her fingers to get everyone's attention. All students and teachers turned to look at her, and Laura, Emma and Orla stopped in their tracks. Pansy held up her copy of the Prophet and without saying a thing whipped out her wand and set it on fire. With a poof it was gone.
The students quickly got the message and all had been wanting to do something to support the girls, not getting the full story, but knowing that it wasn't contained in some newspaper. One by one students held up their papers and destroyed them as well. The lasting effects of the ward building spell were still visible, the glowing blue pentacle was tattooed on the floor as a reminder of the girls sacrifice. The young students looked around them and Orla, Laura and Emma were approached by members of their own houses welcoming them to finish their breakfast with friends.
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Night after night he revisited the Pensieve, reliving lessons, Hogsmeade weekends, looking for those subtle clues that might give away her secret.
Severus visited the memory of her stabbing. His heart filled with rage at what he saw and for once he could walk closer to see the heated exchange, hear the conversation— the foul words of her enemy spoken in her ear like a caress. These were the people looking for her, hunting her.
"I know you're a virgin, filthy Mudblood, and I can prove it!"
When Goyle stabbed her Snape could barely prevent himself from futile attempt to attack the virtual image of the Death Eater for his transgression. But there she was, calling Goyle by the name his mother gave him. "Gregory, you don't have to do this…"
Hermione had offered Goyle other avenues. How could she be so forgiving? Even in pain she reaches out… And that's what she was doing now, the self-sacrifice because she couldn't go through with it. Why? Was it her faith that made her not capable of completing the spell? Surely not. Dumbledore made Severus see there were other options to be considered, so he in return would do the same for her.
He would make her see. You don't have to do this. There are other ways. Severus was still looking for that one deed that would wipe out the horrors caused at his own hands. If a bright star like Hermione was so quick to reach out to help her enemy, then he would save her if it killed him.
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Dobby had brought books before her departure, many of them ones she had read before, but she wanted to savor them. If left to her own devices she would devour them in a week.
She finished her unpacking and things were scattered about the cave, taking up as much square space as possible. She definitely needed shelves. She removed the leather strap that bound the last of her books and came upon her Bible. She hadn't prayed in a while and now definitely seemed a good a time as any.
She knelt and said the rosary, asked forgiveness for her sins and prayed for her friends at Hogwarts, for her parents, for the Order, and for Severus. She read a few chapters in her Bible and marked her place. Perhaps she would set aside time for Bible study every morning. She already felt calmer, soothed— comforted. There were some convents who spent a great deal of time in quiet prayer and reflection, a vow of silence which encouraged a peaceful disposition and opened themselves up to God's divine inspiration. And what place to be better inspired than in the natural world He created? She walked outside and smelled the frigid air, as it stung her lungs she suspended the thought of it being painful and instead looked for the beautiful interaction of his creation.
The snow was blinding white, and when she got quiet and perfectly still she could see tracks left over from creatures and rabbits. Winter was a time when so many things appeared dead, but it was still a time of life for the forest. Always in motion. She looked upward toward the sky and squinted for the sunlight.
He was there. She knew it was him. The dove swooped low and landed on a tree stump beside her. God heard. A tear of gratitude fell to her cheek and the dove stretched its wings. The dove was a magnificent pearl today with only a little gray. He looked more brilliant against the backdrop of January snow and Hermione was grateful for the friend.
"I am glad you came," Hermione said to the peace bringer. "I would be glad of your visits if you would keep them secret."
The dove warbled a greeting and flew around her. It soared down the path of trees and back again, in a kind of elegant dance. On the return trip he landed at her knee holding a tiny branch in his beak. Hermione retrieved the offering. She had no idea there were olive trees in the Forbidden Forest. Little miracles everywhere.
Hermione had to find a way to keep herself sane. It had only been two days, and without Crookshanks for company and only ritual bathing to occupy her time she knew she needed to develop her own routine. Every night she was plagued by those images of him touching her face, his voice torturing her with phrases she remembered from his quarters— Come with me… Lean your head back…Appearances can be deceiving, Miss Granger… And the more commanding phrases would creep into her dreams, Stand here. Miss Granger! You didn't touch it did you? Taken out of context those expressions would provoke her horribly close to the edge of arousal, and then of course she would awaken to the loneliness of the cave just before her desires were satisfied. At times she thought she was going mad.
So after she woke, she made a habit if praying— and when she did, often the dove would appear to her, though sometimes she thought he frequented just for small morsels provided in such harsh weather. She felt her sexual appetites subside, and peace wash over her after religious study but most especially when the dove visited her. She didn't know why. She didn't question it at all. Hermione occupied the rest of her day in study, mostly Snape's new book which left her full circle. At the end of every day she found herself looking forward to sleep, and to dreams of Severus, imagining that she was not slipping into an empty bedroll but into strong arms of protection, love, and acceptance.
In the morning, it would start all over again.
So she prayed every morning and had a walk afterward. The dove would meet with her every few days and bring her wildflowers from different parts of the forest. Hermione was surprised to see all that was living here, blooming in spite of the freezing weather. Neville would be impressed. Every few days she would find the strength to make the multitude of trips to the stream for bath water and linger in the bath long enough to feel totally relaxed, clean and wash her hair. The Sleekeasy's was running low, so she used it sparingly, opting for soap first and Sleekeasy's in desperation.
She studied her textbooks every afternoon and saved time for additional thought on Severus' book for dessert. She loved the research. A shame she couldn't brew like she wanted, the research had been going so well. As a substitute she spun her own theories, pulling out her notes and expounding on them. Seeing some of her ambiagram attempts in the margins she quickly scribbled those out beyond legibility. Anything could happen even here, and she needed to keep on her guard.
In the evenings, every other evening she permitted herself the luxury of tea, which Dobby had brought for her. As barbaric as a teabag was to many in the wizarding community, she would have given anything for a box of prepackaged tea. So she rationed her supplies, and ate slowly the food she had saved from Dobby's last visit. Some of it had spoiled and she threw it out, reluctantly, but not wanting to get sick. She had packed emergency rations for all the girls for three weeks. They hadn't used them of course, because Dobby came through. After weeks of high protein, high calorie meal substitutes Hermione tried her best not to think about food. If the SOS had to eat these, there would have been a riot.
In the mornings the snow was usually fresh, undisturbed and perfect. That's when Hermione liked it best. Everything appeared so still and she would pick up a book and read.
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep
And I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
She read lots of Robert Frost, with so much of his poetry touching on nature. And then she came upon her book of women's poets and cried until her heart ached. She could make herself sick with her dilemma, dwelling on things she could not change.
O handsome chestnut eyes, evasive gaze,
O fiery sighs and falling tears, O night
obscurely black through which I wait for light
for nothing, O clear dawn of futile days!
O lamentations, O obstinate desires,
O wasted time, O grief scattered about,
O thousand deaths, O thousand nets throughout
my life among the worst insidious fires,
O laughing lips, brow, hair, arms, hands, and fingers,
O funeral lute, viol, bow, and voice!
A women's heart always has a burned mark.
I sob because of you. Your fire lingers
In every place my seared heart would rejoice,
Except in you who keep no single spark.
O interminable desires, O futile hope
depressing sighs and now familiar tears
endangering in me many rivers, spheres
of rain whose source and fountain are my gro-
ping eyes. O cruelty, inhumanity,
commiserating glance of heavenly rays,
O chilled heart, early passions. These days
I ask, can you still swell my agony?
Let Love again try out his bow and pierce
me with new fire and stab me with new darts.
Let him exact revenge the worst he can.
I am so torn in every limb, no man
can cut another wound in me, no fierce
monstrous attack can find unsuffering parts.
Louise Labe
She picked up her quill and wrote down her thoughts and observations. Sometimes, it took her mind off that which preoccupied her most. Her desire ate at her every day, slowly eroding her composure and will to stay in solitude. Prayer was the only thing that calmed her. The visits from the peaceful messenger were helpful, but lately she was regretting her decision to stay here, each day seeming viciously elongated and the winter appeared unending.
One thing resonated deep within her. Still in love with a man she could not have and cut off from society, she felt more alone than ever. Is that how he felt? Alone? He didn't appear to have much of a life outside of his work, from the Order and his duties as a Death Eater. He wasn't at all friendly— except sometimes, when they worked in his lab, the snarky sarcastic demeanor was replaced with that of a scholar. She longed to remember those times when he looked so intently at her, his eyes boring into her, listening closely to every word she said. It was thrilling.
But she was his student. How did he act around other adults? Around people his own age? Okay, besides Remus. She shook her head. She didn't know him at all. Snape had a life outside of work that he shared with others except her. Severus was a private man and probably had family, friends, a house… God, a lover. She shuddered. Why should she assume he didn't have time for such things? Because of how he lived. Face it Hermione, the man is more consumed by his work than you are. If he could dedicate his life to fight the dark so could she. He had made sacrifices. It could be done.
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Harry pressed on with his school work, studying so that wherever Hermione was, she'd be proud. The DA continued, though it was hardly a secret group anymore and more of a focused (but fun) combat training. It joined with Daphne's dueling club, a sort of Junior DA. The older members hadn't quite got the hang of dueling without causing significant injury, so they tried to work on the techniques of the younger students to prevent Madame Pomfrey from heart failure. Ron was quite taken by Daphne's dedication to the group. They were dating a bit, but he could tell it wouldn't work out. She had other things on her mind and dating just wasn't a priority at all.
Millicent and Neville on the other hand were still going strong and could be seen most evenings in the library, and were busted once in the labyrinth for snogging after curfew.
The second DA meeting of the year, all of the Slytherin members of the SOS met them at the door and everyone stopped. Harry had read Hermione's comment about him having additional allies, but admittedly had no idea what that meant. Ginny beamed and they fell in. it was entertaining to say the least. Millicent knew quite a few spells that were more on the questionable side of grey. While many students weren't willing to try them a number of the other students sparred against her just to see if they could block her.
After that, the DA was never dull.
Draco had wanted to join, but he still hated Potter and didn't want to intrude on Pansy. Their friendship was fragile and he was doing his best to be available without smothering her. They didn't talk about the single sexual encounter they'd had, though at times he was sure there was enough chemistry there to ignite anything flammable. The thick wall of air that separated them was growing thin, and he hoped Pansy would soon forgive him enough that he could start again. He dated no one.
Slytherin wasn't really the same and Draco had become preoccupied with his father's demand that he take the mark. Before last summer it was suggested to him, but he at least had the option of waiting until he graduated. When Goyle got initiated, he knew his father wouldn't be shown up and he knew he'd be pressured to do it earlier than he wanted.
With news of the whole object of desire thing, Lucius wanted proof of his unswerving loyalty to the objectives of the Dark Lord. He had no more choices.
Snape had approached him. It did not surprise Draco that he was a Death Eater as he and his father had been close associates. Professor Snape had always remained somewhat cold and detached from his students, except perhaps in need. Other peers had sometimes made surprisingly civil comments about him, their personal experiences shedding a different light on someone so difficult to know.
"Draco, I understand your father has asked you to take the Mark on your next birthday," Snape stated plainly.
He didn't know what to say. "Yes, sir."
"Has he talked to you about what might be expected of you?" He inquired.
"No, sir. C-could you tell me?"
Snape sighed and sat on the divan, offering Mister Malfoy a seat. "Sit. I will tell you what I can, and you will need to decide if your are ready. I know," he interrupted Draco's open mouth ready to blurt out his limitation of choice. "…that your father has asked you to do this out of some ridiculous notion of family pride. But taking the mark is quite serious Draco— Don't use Mister Goyle as a barometer of the role of a Death Eater. Nearly everyone in the school was aware of who stabbed Miss Granger the instant it happened. Discretion is your best ally. And you still have quite a bit of schooling to be getting on with before you open yourself up to the distracting responsibilities of a Death Eater's commitment."
"What will happen at the initiation?" Draco looked on, a litter paler than usual as he watched Snape's expression harden.
Snape clenched his teeth. Truth was he had no idea, so he'd better tell him the worst. Draco might have been spared grueling tasks before, but with current circumstances being what they were, they would make him prove his loyalty. It wouldn't be pretty. "You may likely be asked to kidnap a Muggle or Muggleborn and asked to kill her or him before the Dark Lord. He will require you to cast an Unforgivable, a sometimes difficult thing to do at your age and under pressure. And if you fail, he will cast one or several on you. Cruciatus most likely."
Snape went on and Draco could scarcely hide his disgust. Snape stayed with him, giving advice which to Draco's memory he had never done. Snape made no promises to keep their discussion a secret. For all he knew Snape was sizing him up on behalf of his father. If so Draco feared he failed that test miserably.
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Every day looked the same as the one before and Hermione found herself falling into depression. She longed for him, and only sheer will prevented her from walking to the edge of the forest for one peek at the castle, at its students— to look for signs of Harry, Ron, Ginny, Pansy and others, visual confirmation of their safety and that life was moving on. She trudged out of her cave and walked, meditating as she went, asking for peace. She had come across a few (a very few) edible fruits and berries. Animals however are not used to sharing with humans this deep in the forest, and she was hesitant to pick berries for herself. She ate very little, if only to savor a different flavor than the nutritious bricks that lay waiting for her back at the cave. Of course, there were gastronomic consequences.
She spent the better half of the day squatting painfully in cold, damp weather.
Going back to the cave with a half-full basket of sour fruit she recalled making pies with her mother, and sobbed into her pillow. The mutual friend remembered her location and flew in without pecking. Landing lightly on her bed, he hooted his hello. She looked up and remembered. God, had it been six weeks already?
She looked happily at Buckwheat and dried her tears before freeing the letter from his grasp.
I am sitting here awaiting news of your good health and wellbeing and hope this letter finds you well. My offer of course still stands, and our mutual friend remains at your disposal.
The Daily Prophet never fails in disappointing me, I dare not ask the truth of matters yet hope I may hear it from you someday. If you feel you cannot go home, then fly dear. Wherever you go be safe, but send word of your health so that I can rest with the knowledge that you are well.
Should you return, rest assured I can keep you busy. You shall not want for work. Everyone is clamoring to meet the mysterious artist. Send word soon.
KR
Hermione remembered her opportunity was at hand. "Buckwheat, I need you to make a special delivery for me." She grabbed spare parchment and a magnifying glass, and began to print. She was running out of time and had no ideas of where she should go for hiding.
She wanted to say so many things. 'Harry you buffoon, you better be studying! You knew I'd be checking up on you. I love you so much and miss you all. Eat some good food for me because I'm starving out here. Especially butterbeer and chocolate. Oooh, coffee. Ah, but I digress. Tell Ginny and Pansy that I'm well and plan to be moving soon. It's no longer going to work out here.' In the end she couldn't say what she wanted but settled for sending exactly what she had promised.
Hermione finished her inner monologue and her tiny printing. She removed the magnifying glass and held it up to the light. Perfect.
Buckwheat waited until early morning, around five o'clock and flew to the owlery. He hooted for Hedwig and passed the scroll for him to carry. Hedwig ruffled his feathers a bit, never receiving communication this way before. Buckwheat was not at all happy about passing off his work for another to do, but the woman said it was important. Buckwheat barked out instructions and then flew back to the woods to receive Katie's reply and depart for home.
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"Turn in your texts to page 138 and 'read first' the words of caution as explained carefully for your safety and mine on this planet. DO NOT BREW until you have read TWICE the instructions, retrieve your ingredients from the table up here. Then measure first, measure again. Read a third time and then, only then begin to brew. Please try not to blow us up, this is Advanced potions. You may begin." Snape's lecture was slow, methodical and deliberate. His deep dripping drawl of caution begged their attention and he always had it. Mostly. They had to move on and Miss Granger wasn't here to keep the class on their toes. Malfoy and Pansy were moving up the ranks of the students now, but could only hope to follow directions, not offer the kind of theoretical conclusions and questions that an assignment like this prompted.
There was a pecking at the window and all students froze. Hedwig was flying at the window and Harry started in his seat.
"Love letters, Mister Potter? I'll get that for you," he said tersely. But the last time the white owl visited him was Christmas. Would it be Christmas again?
He unlatched the window and Hedwig flew by jilting Snape for his owner. Harry stood flustered. "I am so s-sorry Professor Snape. It won't happen again."
"Deliveries are supposed to come in the morning Mister Potter, you are not exempt from this rule. Your bird is disrupting my class," he admonished. "Ten points from Gryffindor."
Harry retrieved the scroll and released Hedwig to fly back out the window to the owlery.
"Well, Mister Potter? Aren't you going to share it with the class?"
Harry was getting angry. He didn't do this on purpose. But he was eager to see the note. It was quite small and he opened it. He looked puzzled at first and then his eyes widened in understanding.
He read the short message.
"Excuse me, sir!" Harry bolted from the room abandoning his books.
"Back to work class! Make sure to read twice, before gathering ingredients," he hissed. Snape followed the distressed boy, and found him leaning against the hall outside, eyes glistening with tears.
Snape's voice changed abruptly to one of concern, rarely ever heard by Harry. "What is it? Is it her?"
"It's Hermione, sir." Harry laughed a bit. "She said she'd send word." He showed Snape the paper and his lips curled a bit in appreciation of her one word message.
WORD
"Maybe she thought it wasn't safe to send more?" Harry looked at it again, and saw it in the light. There was something strange about it, and he cocked his head to one side.
"Perhaps you should show that to the Headmaster? It could tell us where she might… Is there something else on your mind?" Snape inquired seeing him re-examine his letter.
"Yes, sir. Do you have a magnifying glass?" Harry looked up with a bit of excitement. Snape took him through a side door and into an adjacent office. Opening an overly orderly drawer he retrieved the requested item and held it out for him. Harry squinted through the lens and there it was.
W: DEARH-HERESYOURWORD.
O: MUSTMOVESOON.TELLG,P,R,&BIGDI'M
R: WELL.STUDYORELSE.
D: MUCHLOVE'MIONE
Each letter was made up of incredibly small block letters so close together they looked solid. Harry rubbed his eyes, trying to hide his obvious feeling from Snape. He relinquished both letter and glass, seeing that the spy was as eager for good news as he. "She's alright." Oh Hermione. Thank God you're okay.
Snape squinted and read. Clever.
Harry wanted to go out to the owlery, but she wouldn't be there. "I don't know how she did it. Hedwig hadn't left to go anywhere. And I know Hermione wouldn't risk coming here."
"Of course not." Snape agreed. Reluctant to do so, he relinquished the letter for Harry to take with him. "Humph. The Big D?"
Harry laughed. "Guess I need to see Professor Dumbledore. May I be excused from class, sir?"
"It will probably increase my chances of survival today, Mister Potter." He waved him off and while Harry might have felt chastised it was more likely he had just realized the greasy git had made a joke.
She was alright, Snape thought. The day was looking better already. But she said she had to move soon. To where? What did that mean? Was she in danger?
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When finally the snow began to break, Hermione raced outside immediately feeling the difference in the temperature. It was late March and the forest was beginning to show signs of the thaw. She found in the distance a bush of new berries, venturing out again for a new flavor. She picked berries slowly and risked tasting one. It was far sweeter than the bitter ones of winter. Hopefully the consequences of tasting wouldn't be as severe.
Hermione could see that her rations would run out soon.
She took a short walk trying to pick herself up from her despair of an unknown future. She couldn't stay out here forever. What on earth had a witch like herself expected to accomplish in the forest? She was procrastinating and the war was going on without her. What of Severus? He was still a spy, still in danger. If he was killed and the wards fell anyway, would she know? Hermione figured could drive herself crazy with speculation. Wandering farther than usual, things began to look unfamiliar and she decided it was time to turn back. She heard something snap behind her and spun around, crouching low. What was that? Where are you?
A pair of amber eyes glared from his stalking position beyond low bushes. She looked around her and she spotted more eyes, brown fur visible barely disguised by tree bark. She had unknowingly walked into someone else's den and the wolves had found her. Little Red Riding Hood almost didn't have a happy ending.
Her heart raced and she willed it to slow. She felt her Goddess stir at the threat against her host and she stilled it. Not yet. I have a long way to go, she thought. She wanted to back away slowly, but no respect could be shown to this wild untamed pack. Hermione was surrounded.
Several cracks were heard in the distance, something louder than the current predators stalking their prey. The wolves lifted their heads in curiosity, distracted from their previous goal. The wolves started to growl and retreat, and then Hermione saw the herd.
Unicorns. They came from every direction, a rare sight to be sure. She wondered if Hagrid had ever seen such a thing. Most were pure white with a shiny silvery sheen to their coats. In all there were twelve, and lastly there was a black unicorn. He seemed almost angry, a horrible emotion to assign to such a sacred and noble animal. Hermione did the only thing she could do. Bow. She knelt low, as low as she could, grateful to be alive and surprised that a herd such as this would dare approach her. They were not aggressive animals by any means. She heard soft whinnying, a beautiful melody on the air.
She was in awe of such creatures, feeling as safe now in the forest as when she prayed. She slowly moved to stand and one of the unicorns neared her. Tentatively she reached out her hand, but the unicorn startled and Hermione backed away, bowing again in apologetic fashion. Hermione had remained innocent, but since the spell no longer possessed her virginity. Tears streamed silently down her cheeks, grieving the loss of her ability to touch such majestic creatures.
They escorted her halfway, seeing her safely home. Over the next days she saw one from time to time, but respected their space. There was a peaceful quality about the air when they were about, and they seemed to bring warmer spring air with them. Sometimes she wondered if unicorns were responsible for the changing seasons of the forest or were merely a reflection of them.
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It was the night of the full moon and everyone was frantically preparing for mid-term exams. Remus went out to explore a lead on Hermione's whereabouts, however it turned out to be nothing. He half wondered if it was a plant from the Death Eaters trying to ferret out who the competition was, or perhaps draw Hermione out. There was still a fair amount of rumor going around that Dumbledore was hiding her somewhere safe and sound, when that couldn't be further from the truth.
When he apparated back to the school Remus was running late and unfortunately grossly miscalculated nightfall.
Snape looked up from his grading and saw the goblet of Wolfsbane still smoking on the table to his left. He looked at the clock and heard a distant howl. Bloody hell.
Snape floo'ed Dumbledore from his quarters, and stepped through to his office. "Get the students inside and lock the doors, quickly! Lupin transformed."
The teachers flew down the steps to the front steps and gathered all of the students who were out of doors, as well as lock and bar all entrances to the school. For many hours, the Headmaster's attention was focused on located the DADA professor instead of the elusive girl.
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Every morning she prayed and periodically she would be visited by the white dove. He seemed to show up at those especially desolate times, and during her most hopeless moments her burdens were miraculously lifted from weary shoulders.
She could also see, if she was especially still, glimpses of the white unicorns in the herd which remained nearby. The special elements of nature and life around her gave her more of a sense of home than the stone cave and her personal belongings could provide.
She would need to move soon since her supply of rations was running low. After much deliberation and worry, she had finally resigned herself to the alternate plan. Originally it had been the back-up plan for the SOS's escape. It was risky at best, and she worried about the consequences if it didn't work out. In any case, she would know immediately if it wasn't a go, because she'd be caught in a matter of minutes. Come on Hermione, where's your sense of adventure?
Hermione had lost weight. She had been rationing her bars and knew she would be needing to relocate soon if only to prevent her from vanishing completely. She used to have a healthy plumpness about her frame, giving her pleasant curves. Her clothes were loose now and her one lone safety pin that had been holding her jeans up broke — it had been a losing battle.
Hermione screamed in frustration at her brush and gave up. She couldn't stretch her Sleekeasy's anymore by thinning her supply with water and there was no more shampoo to be had. Her hair felt… gritty, matted. In short, a knotted nightmare. Bushy no longer described the heavy hellish mass of dreads. "I'm going to cut you off I swear it!"
She had been screaming these profanities at her locks for three days now, but couldn't bring herself to do it. She itched, her scalp itched.
Everything itched.
Hermione was sure she looked like the stereotypical witch of Muggle folklore, the hag with dark bits between her teeth and wild hair with a crazed look, hunched over a smoking cauldron. Pretty close to the mark actually.
Hermione attempted to made her own soap from wood ash, and it was harsh without a single component of moisture to complement it. She was working on that in the cauldron outside, adding the oils of spring flowers to add fragrance to at least give the impression of mildness. It was practically a total wash. Bah! Wash.
The bath cauldron was spent, and she was now using it to store things. It had been one week since she had taken a bath in it and the filthy, filmy, sludgy residue left behind was too much to bear. She cursed herself for not packing cleaning tools— a sponge, a brush… something. Honestly, what would Dobby have brought? The house elves cleaned the castle with magic! Hermione resigned to freezing baths with water from the spring, leaving her with a feeling of stickiness rather than clean.
Walking into the forest, she hummed a little tune while she tried to divert her thoughts from cleanliness to food. The red fruit on that bush she found tasted almost like strawberries and it seemed lately like her only pleasure. She drooled on the walk, savoring the memory of berries in her mouth already. It was about half a mile from the cave and she knew her way, having made the trip for two weeks. The berries wouldn't last much longer she feared and she hadn't seen any other bushes available for picking.
The berry patch was loaded with fruit. It felt like Christmas had come again and Hermione was determined to make herself sick from eating them. She ate and picked, placing two in her mouth for every one she put in her basket. Time passed quickly and before she knew it the forest was darkening.
"Shit, Hermione! Now you've done it! You can't see a thing!" She hissed stumbling back through the forest toward the cave. She barely managed not to trip over a soft place in the ground and recovered with a curse muttered under her breath. It began to rain. Great.
Her breath quickened. For some reason she was panicking, and she hadn't felt like this in a while. Not since the wolves.
When the howling came, she knew she was in real trouble.
The large hairy beast was heard and not seen in near total darkness. Hermione had no portable fire and the trees were so thick, they barely permitted the light if the moon to shine through.
Her heart pounded in her chest as she listened for more howling, and heard something sniffing the air. Damn! Hermione remembered her period, and knew the scent of her blood would be enough to tempt predators for miles. Might as well have painted a target on you that screams, 'Victim here! Victim here!'
She didn't see him leap out.
And she only felt the breath knocked out of her by the force of the other muscular black animal who charged in front of her path.
She had been thrown to the muddy ground. And when she looked up she saw white. Lots and lots of white.
The noise of hooves was almost deafening as she heard whinnying and an animal's pained cries of anger and injury. Hermione sat unmoving, for their was nothing else she could do. She was transfixed by the sight before her, the blur of white unicorns sealing her off from the werewolf.
Hermione had passed out at some point and woke up in daylight. She'd been doing that a lot lately, probably for lack of proper nutrition. As her eyes adjusted to the light, she remembered what had happened and stood. A deep circular trench surrounded her where the unicorns had trampled grass and earth to protect her. To protect her from…
Remus! Her heart both leapt at the sight of another person, but also felt a jolt of fear run through her at discovery. She both longed for contact with the outside world and yet her isolation had made her wary and apprehensive. She wasn't far from the cave and he needed help. Biting back her fear, she ran for the cave and grabbed her bag, dropping a few things inside and the pomade. People would come looking for him.
Hermione ran back to the place where he lay and crouched to face the half naked form of her DADA professor, who was curled up and bleeding on the forest floor. She covered him with her cloak.
Remus opened one eye and then both popped open. "Hermione! What are you doing here?! We've been worried sick about you!" He tried to get up and couldn't.
"Stop that," she said placed a calming hand on his forearm. He was looking more disheveled than ever, with bumps and bruises everywhere with a large angry gash oozing large amount of blood down his back. Only problem was, he wasn't healing. She could feel part of the wolf hadn't left him as a low growl erupted from his lips when she touched him.
"Hermione, you look like hell." His eyes became dark and she was already losing willingness to help him.
"Thank you Remus. But I really don't think you're qualified to make that kind of statement just now," she joked. He was bleeding, badly. He needed medical attention. Now.
She changed the quality of her voice to a soothing low one, almost a whisper to make suggestions. "We should go to Grimmauld Place so I can treat your wounds. I need fresh water to clean this up."
"Oh no you don't, the only place we're going is Hogwarts," he grunted. Remus was back, perhaps briefly.
"Remus, you can't make the hike to Hogwarts and I can't support you that far. And besides which, I am not going back, just so you know. Let me help you. You're not well enough to argue with me." Her dulcet tones pacified the untamed part of him. "Can you apparate?
"Maybe. Ah!" Remus sucked in a sharp breath and let out a raspy snarl, remnants of the wolf lingered throughout his blood.
"Remus?" Hermione took a tentative step back— her companion wasn't looking too safe at the moment, human or not.
"I'm alright." He said collecting himself.
"Can you get us to headquarters? I need to work on that wound, and I'll need fresh water and supplies."
"What I need is Poppy," he growled.
"Remus, I'm telling you, I can fix you up. Trust me." Hermione made eye contact with the tense, tremulous man. "Come on, If I try to get us there, it will alert the Ministry."
"It's rather frightening to hear you say that. I hate it that you're hiding. Do you want to explain why?"
"I'd rather us apparate to the Headquarters and then talk." Hermione handed him his wand which she had recovered from several feet away.
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Dumbledore and Snape had been following up that morning on Remus' failed lead, still worried for the fate of the werewolf. Thanks to the Wolfbane, he hadn't fully transformed for three years. Albus and Severus snapped their heads around when one the Headmaster's many spy glasses whirred to life. "Headquarters."
Dumbledore picked up the device and placed it between them a relieved smile playing across his aged face. Youth returned to his eyes.
"They are safe," the old man said.
Severus looked into the mirror. He jumped up a bit in his seat, ready to retrieve them both but Dumbledore settled him. "Severus, they are fine and she appears well. Let us see what Remus can get out of her before we force her to return. Better that she come willingly. If we force her to come home, she won't stay. You know that." Dumbledore spoke honestly and Snape knew it was true. Hermione was stubborn when it came to doing something she thought was right.
Snape blanched to look at her. She looked awful, ragged, dirty… hair in a mess of tangled earth. Her frame was thin and her tattered clothes hung off her body. For a moment he became angry at the thought that Remus might have hurt her, but there wasn't a scratch on her. This was how she had lived.
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In a moment they were in the park across from 12 Grimmauld Place, and she permitted Remus to lean on her. At least in her cloak he was less obvious, though it only hung to just past his knee. She looked around and people were not quite up yet. Hermione half walked, half dragged Remus to the door. She opened it and managed to get him to the couch. Once he sat, it was far beyond the point of further use. No amount of cleaning would get that blood out. He grunted again in pain.
"Wait here," she said, and he laughed, then winced in pain at the consequence.
"I'm not going anywhere," he murmured.
She returned with a bowl of water and began to clean his wound. She quickly figured she was doing this backward because the blood was still oozing and Remus was beginning to look quite pale. She fished in her cloak pocket for the jar of curative ointment. She hadn't had to use it on herself except to treat a bad case of winter burn on her face, at least it could be useful to someone. While she normally would only expect to use a tiny quantity, she expected the whole pot was about to be used on his skin.
"Oh Remus. What happened?" Hermione shook her head, put the jar between her legs and unscrewed the lid.
"I changed in the forest when I couldn't get back in time to take the Wolfsbane, and was attacked by a… Ah! That stings… large black unicorn." He felt a stirring low in him, the animal was still calling, but hunger subsided when she spoke.
"Oh no. I'm sorry, I think this is all my fault then," Hermione said sadly.
"What is that stuff?" Remus asked looking over his shoulder at the cream.
"It's a healing potion made from virgin's blood," she answered putting some onto her fingers.
"Hermione," he flinched to move away, "you can't use that on me, I'm a dark creature…"
"Remus Lupin, you are not damaged goods! I think that I of all people know very well who I can and cannot use this potion on. Now hold still." He relented and allowed her to treat him though he snarled at her when she made contact with the wound. Hermione could almost cry at the contact, she wanted to hold him… she had no contact except with animals since January. She hadn't expected to feel such a strong sense of loss.
She started at the top and began to work her way down the injury. She decided to attempt to hold his interest through conversation and began to speak low, "You ask me to explain why I left…"
"First I want you to explain… why you think this is somehow your…ah! Fault." He grimaced and fiercely gripped the arm of the divan as she continued her ministrations.
"I think the unicorn knew that you were dangerous to me should you find me and attacked you, attempting to scare you off. Fiery one isn't he? Temperamental." The blood poured over her fingers as she tried to close the wound. It was only half sealing.
"Protecting you? The unicorns aren't an aggressive herd."
"They have been very protective of me since I fled. I've been living in the forest since Christmas." She changed tactics and put the small pot in her lap. Hermione took the towel in her left hand, cream in her right, she tried a two-handed approach, wipe and rub. Slowly the wound finally began to knit together. Wow, this is more powerful than phoenix tears.
Dumbledore and Snape were surprised she was located so close to home, and a dangerous choice for escape and shelter. Dumbledore was a bit amused at the choice. They hadn't thought she'd stay.
"You're still in the Forbidden Forest?" Remus was deeply pained by her admission, but she seemed unharmed. This now fully grown witch was quite able to take care of herself.
"Yes."
"Now, why did you leave? Didn't you know we would protect you, Hermione?" His urgent voice was clearer now, and more paternal in tone. He felt better now and his wolfish inclinations were waning as the day came.
"I know you would, but I couldn't stay. It's not safe for me and not safe for anyone else. Hogwarts is better off. Everyone is…" she said with a sigh, thinking sadly of Severus. At least he is safe. She wouldn't bring it up, but she hoped Remus would mention him.
"Almost done." She rubbed additional cream over the repaired wound for good measure. She wetted the towel and cleaned off the remaining blood which was the only reminder of his injury. "I was gathering fruit nearby for eating and there are some plants out there for potions and antidotes, mostly for spider bites. Damn, they are so per…sis…tent." She rubbed his back, now free of wound or scar of any kind and sealed the magic with the finishing charm. She placed her hand a scant inch from the middle of his back where he could feel the heat of her palm radiate toward him. "Finito." His back glowed from her spell and the light subsided leaving the well healed skin, pink from the smears of blood she attempted to clean. She laid her hands on his shoulder blades and rested them there. It reassured both of them and Hermione had not had any human contact in some time. She was grateful for it. She reached in her robe for the object and touched the handle of her bag.
"Hermione, what can I say to convince you to…" When Remus turned to face her she was gone.
Lupin cried out in angry protest, quickly to his feet. He ran bloody fingers through his hair. He had failed. Close enough to touch her and he failed to bring her back. He knelt in resignation on the sofa and pressed the palms of his hands into his eye sockets in frustration.
Snape was outraged. "He should have bloody tied her up and dragged her here!" Snape bellowed. Damn Albus for saying what he had. Better that she come willingly. If she'd wanted to come willingly she would have returned after Christmas!
Once again, Dumbledore's youthful look left him as he pondered what Hermione had done. "She prepared well, Severus."
"What do you mean she 'prepared well'? Did you even look at her?" Snape was pacing furiously. He had to do something.
"She appeared in good shape considering the cold winter in the Forbidden Forest with nothing but what did Miss Weasley call them? Oh yes, Power Bars. And by prepared I meant she took a portkey she made in advance of her trip. She couldn't have cast a spell without the Aurors coming. They've been tracking her since January."
Snape had to concede that point, but he wasn't feeling agreeable. She was lost all over again and it hurt.
Author's Notes:
Taunting you guys with another cliffie! Hah! But I was nice, could've ended after she woke up and saw Remus! Thank you again for such thorough reviews. I had written a lot of this chapter (particularly the scene with Remus a long time ago and I begin Chapter 20 with a blank slate. Ah that will hopefully take no longer than a week. Maybe more.
I repeated myself a lot in this chapter because I wanted you to feel the monotony of Hermione's days, she needed routine to keep her sane and at the same time it wore on her. Ah well, late March and things are changing anyway.
I have a book called A Book of Women's Poets from Antiquity to Now IBSN 0-8052-0680-9. Hundreds of poems are translated from all languages. Louise Labé (1525-1566) had her poems (untitled) above translated from Italian. The excerpt you may be familiar with is excerpt taken from Robert Frost's, Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening.
Thank you for your continued reviews! You keep me going!
Moon-n-Universe-Goddess- Thank you!
KarySky- Thanks is July 5th too soon? Thanks for eating ice cream and by the time you get back from your business trip I hope to have at least two more chapters up. Aren't there internet cafés up there? Thanks for your steadfast reviews!
LilThuggin420- Oops, didn't know about Ginerva, I stand corrected. It didn't appear in the books though did it? I thought it was funny – Virgin…ia. Not anymore.
wackoramaco87- You are correct. Not confused. HG does have to go through with it to make the wards permanent. The wards are fine, but all she can do now to prevent it from falling is to hope Severus doesn't get killed or that people don't find out about her OOD. And I hope you like the lexicon, I use it all the time.
alicat999- Hooray! Thanks for the long review. Didn't know about Ginerva, eeek! Will have to correct that and re-post. Draco needs mental help. He's got troubles and doesn't know quite how to be himself anymore after trying to be so much like his father all these years, quoting him at every turn… 'my father says' and so forth. Good question about the Goddesses. It would be tempting to simplify things and connect them in a way, but for all practical purposes the Goddesses remain dormant until they are called or sense danger and act of their own accord. That's why Gaia didn't stir in Severus last chapter and did stir in Hermione when she was about to be attacked by wolves. I think Severus can't see the forest for the trees so to speak and he is torturing himself with his memories in the Pensieve. More soon, thank you for continuing to review! I love to respond to them and what does LMAO mean? Hee, hee— I'm a novice with mnemonics.
hope- Cool! Sounds like you have a lot in common with HG in this fic. I've really tried my best to keep characters in character in this fic even with the additional bits of made up trivia. Thank you for reviewing, I appreciate your feedback.
Goddess Blaque-Rose- Woo hoo! Wait no more.
lyress- I have to go back and read my own chapter, what was Dumbledore keeping from them that would make them pissed? You're right on about Minerva of course, but I couldn't think of what McGonagall might say, she switched so often from strict disciplinarian to mothering sentiment I imagine she's just too thrilled to have her girls back. About the calligraphy, the answer is no, not soon. For this chapter's posting, how about Monday afternoons? As always, thanks for your reviews. You can always e-mail me at leynarountreeyahoo.com
levans- Thanks for your review. I don't think lovely would describe the cave, hee. More soon, hope you like the next chapter. Ma salaam.
June Williams- Thank you for correcting my slip in missing Transfiguration. So much of that requires concentration, and charms more mechanics I imagine and pronunciation. I imagine they could practice more charms in the cave than transfiguration so I added it in this chapter! And thank you for your complement about re-reading the story, I'm flattered. I am thinking of removing the disclaimer in that it may turn off some readers, but I have spent every moment crafting the new chapter!
Alarase- Hermione is still a faithful follower of God, however it is not religion getting in the way of her completion of the spell. I did put the bit in the Daily prophet for you (wink!) and I imagine Rita or some other nasty reporter wrote it, though I imagine she wouldn't dare cross Hermione Granger since she's got the good on her. Again, I cannot talk about Katie or I will blurt out everything! Thank you for your 'nice' comments! Hope you like the new chapter.
Tiffie 101- Thanks for your review! Dumbledore may be flexible but overlooking abuse probably wouldn't be one of them, of course Snape at this point would 'do his duty' as it were and Hermione would feel pitied. Snape would not likely admit to feeling at this point and Hermione is still too stubborn to approach him. And poor Draco, we are right to be worried for him.
poetrychik- Thank you. Oh woe for our would-be-pair. So sad. And Severus well… there's no hope for insight as you will see…
kat6528- Oh goody! Which part? Thank you for your review!
Althea Grey- Glad you be otay. As for Pansy, it's hard to continue to hate someone who's smiling at you. They both have a lot on their mind at the moment. Draco is doing a lot of thinking about his own stuff, not dating anyone and not pressuring Pansy to do anything except what she wants. Right now, they are back to square one. Snape isn't stupid, just a helpless man with no leads. He's relieved to hear word twice in this chapter and you won't believe what he goes through next. Thanks for reading! (And reviewing!)
Lori- Thanks, you too! Severus won't find out for awhile yet, so I hope I can keep you entertained in the meanwhile. God bless!
Wytil- Ah, ordinary supplies. Shucks. Now that Hermione is gone from the woods… well I'll leave you to find out in the next chapter. But what you said, research. That's right.
Kylara- Yes the book is doing well! Remember Flourish and Blotts is on back order! Here's another LONG chapter. Hermione isn't quite ready to return, She will likely be forced into it. Perhaps kicking and screaming… but I don't want to give anything away…
Ezmerelda- She's kind of stunned that she doesn't really know what to do next. She can't practice magic and her back-up plan is tricky… she's gotta figure out something. For these last few months she's just been existing. So sad. And you're right she can't hide forever. If Hermione didn't go to danger, danger would come to her. So the story moves along… no more caves. Thanks for sticking with me. Any suggestions for upcoming issues at school or for our Severus looking for her?
Min Hee- Thank you, I like drawing the painful separation out. More suspenseful that way. Here's the next installment!
Nakhash Mekashefah- Thank you, Thank you! Here's a chapter for Monday afternoon!
Rosmerta- Thank you for your review and here's another long one. You are a good guesser. So I won't say any more!