–- SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –-2004-09
"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis
Chapter Seventeen: Moon Over Seyruun
"Life is all a matter of perspective...almost." —Eric Knickerbocker
Here I am again, Lina inverse, story-teller supreme! Not that there wasn't another week's worth of stuff to see in Tokyo, but we only had so long and there was more of Japan awaiting us. So we set out to see Nara and the deer then it was just a short trip by Shinkansen (Bullet Train) to Kyoto, where we were planning to stay overnight a few days.
"Kyoto moves at a slower pace and will give you a better sense of Japanese art, architecture and culture," Subaru promised us.
I believed it. I was sitting between him and Xelloss—they had the most to teach me here, except for Sylphiel who had been sitting next to me until Xelloss changed seats to show me the map of our trip. I relieved Xelloss of the burden of his area map. Kyoto did look compact enough that a short taxi ride could take us from the city center to the lushly wooded hills and scenic walking trails.
Xelloss found a brochure, one of many he had procured ahead of time, and began his reading for our benefit: "Kyoto is known for its Gion District, where young apprentice maiko are schooled in the arts of the geisha. Kyoto offers a wealth of Buddhist temples, Shinto shrines and classical Japanese gardens...blah, blah, blah..." (The 'blah's' were mine. I drifted off to sleep at some point.)
In Kyoto, we settled in briefly at the Ryokan (hotel) Ichume located on a small street running parallel to the Kamo River. It was not stellar but it was comfortable and had character. Subaru blushed when I stressed the character part, forcing me to press him a little to 'spit it out.'
"Ah, yes, M-Miss Lina. Well, this neighborhood used to be a Yakuza area, and our ryokan used to be a house of p-prostitution."
Now, how's that for character!
The owner was very nice, and the price was only 2000 Yen a night, no breakfast, but always plenty of hot green tea. We left our bags and headed out into the town. I found the entire place very charming with an 'old world feeling'. I loved the old houses along the banks of the River Kamo. In fact, all of Kyoto was gorgeous and loaded with places of higher education and shrines. Lots of them. All kinds. I think we visited every one of them. I know we did. Hey, we had two priests and three priestesses in our company, remember!
Ah, there was a temple with holy water spewing from pipes and things. We used long handled ewers to get a taste and Gourry filled up his water bottle. Really old and beautiful Koi fish swam in ponds where fishing was not allowed, I discovered, heh, heh... No need to tell that story... Moving on.
Various votive tablets were hanging on a wall.
"The ones on the left express wishes," Subaru explained to us.
Sylphiel was excited to be able to tell us something too, "When you are sick, or like when you want something, you make 1,000 paper cranes (using the Origami technique) and offer them to the gods. You can see those offerings on the right side. Each contains 1,000 paper cranes, tied together with a rope!"
Everyone wanted to take our pictures; well me and Gourry and Filia and Val because we looked way different from the natives. So did Zel, but he refused to be 'the freak in the freak show.' Sylphiel, Subaru, Amelia, Xelloss, and even Kiki for the most part, blended in with the locals. Next on our list of 'things to do' (Zel's of course), we visited the beautiful Kinkaku-Ji Temple, which translated literally meant 'Temple of the Golden Pavilion'. And if that wasn't enough, its proper name was Rokuon-ji. I had my journal along to get all the names straight, although Xelloss seemed to know them by heart and Subaru was a knowledgeable guide.
The history of the temple was interesting. As Subaru told it, "In the 1220's it was the comfortable villa of Kintsune Saionji. In 1294, Yoshimitsu, the third shogun of Ashikaga abdicated the throne and started building Kitayamaden."
When Xelloss waved a pamphlet shouting "Me, me," Subaru smiled and let him have a turn.
"Ashikaga took special care to make Kinkaku a breathtaking site. He lived the life of a hermit or "vanaprastha" as it is known in Sanskrit in the serene setting. In due accordance to his will, Kinkaku was made into a Zen monastery after his death."
Even as I ran up ahead with Gourry, I could still hear Xelloss intoning, "Observe the three types of architecture in this building. The first floor is Shinden-zukuri,"
"That's the palace style," Subaru translated. "It is called Ho-sui-in."
Xelloss continued, "The second floor is Buke-zukuri—"
I heard a pause as he waited for Subaru for the trade-off of information.
Sure enough, Subaru was catching on to the game, "Which is the style of the Samurai house and is called Cho-on-do."
Once more, Xelloss read, "The third floor was Karayo style or—"
"The Zen temple style and is called Kukkyo-ch," Subaru said, now chuckling I had to hand it to Xelloss: he certainly did his best to cheer up the kid and make him feel a part of our group.
"The second and the third floors are covered with gold-leaf on Japanese lacquer. The roof, upon which the Chinese Phoenix settles, is thatched with shingles. A number of renovation projects were done on this building and the building as it stands today was completed in 1987," Xelloss finished as Gourry and I turned the corner and were no longer within ear shot.
Outside, there was a beautiful lake called Mirror Pond or Kyoko-chi, which contained many large and small islands. A few steps further and up, there was another small lake, An-min-taku with a small pagoda called Hakuja-no-tsuka. There was also classic teahouse called Sekka-tei, which had a celebrated pillar whose name I didn't write down in time. Standing guard at the temple's exit were Fudo-myoo.
By this time my interest was waning and my hunger was escalating to monumental proportions.
"Um, Lina, I'm gonna see what's to eat over there. Wanna come with me?" Gourry asked.
"Read my mind!" I laughed and slapped him on the back in a grand show of camaraderie.
He started coughing, but nodded his head. So...we found a noodle place and slurped up bowls full before the others caught up with us!
Sylphiel was in charge of our next stop, the Nishijin Textile Center. There was a fabulous display of various Japanese handicrafts, jewelry, silk fabric and even varieties of tea. Sylphiel spoke to a woman, one with whom she had done trade with in the past when she was sewing kimonos from imported fabric. "Everyone! Come this way and we'll get to see a demonstration of how Japanese silk is made! And then we get into the kimono show!"
Worms. Creepy ones. Spin cases. Soak cases. Make thread. The key to it was feeding thousands of worms. Gotta tell ya, I could do without silk after that.
The place had a fantastic collection of silk kimonos costing as much as $10,000.
"Hey, Sylph! Look at this one. It's not nearly as pretty as the ones you've made and look at what they're charging!"
"Oh, Lina, thank you but...I used a machine, these tiny stitches were all done by hand," she demurred.
"So? They use technology now, don't they? Doesn't mean yours are any less good." Which was true. She was talented and should do more of that kind of stuff.
Surprisingly, the most exciting event of the place was the Kimono Show where some gorgeous women cat-walked to authentic Japanese music wearing a selection of the traditional and most beautiful kimonos. I had to jab Val to a conscious state every so often. It might have been a bit too much for his weak little lust-filled mind to handle.
"—and they were all fully clothed!" Val muttered nonsensically when it was over.
Xelloss cocked his head and asked in a teasing tone, "Too long without a girl, eh Val-lee boy?"
"What do you mean? You have Lina, Amelia, Kiki, Filia, and Sylphiel to help you out, don't you?" Subaru asked, completely missing the point.
The 'boys' nearly popped a gut on that one before Xelloss sputtered out, "Not...in...the...way...he neeeeeeds, sweetie pie."
Filia and I took turns pounding the smut out of them both. Gourry did the honors and explained 'life' to the clueless and truly innocent Subaru, and so avoided my wrath. Zel, snickering in the background, got off with hardly a pat, since he had hurriedly linked arms with Sylphiel to chat about buying fabric. The fashion show made it worth the visit to the shop even if we hadn't bought anything there. Which we did. Sylphiel arranged for all our purchases to be packaged with her humongous one and then to be shipped to Seyruun together and save money. Now that I could appreciate! Plus, it saved us from having to lug around a bunch of parcels. Shrewd business girl, huh? Maybe getting outta high school, where being brain-dead or at least numb was encouraged by one's peers, was doing Sylphie some good.
We then lunched at a traditional Japanese restaurant with slippery and soft tofu which we had to manage using chopsticks. It was kinda like the Japanese martial arts which use controlled and subtle aggression with infinite amount of grace. I at least had mastered the little devils; it was that or starve. And I, Lina Inverse, was not about to starve!
Next was the Sanjusangendo temple, another beautiful temple with three levels featuring shrines for health, love, happiness, safe journey and what-not.
"Oh, Lina?"
"What now, Xelloss?"
"Oh...ah, I thought you might like to take this path."
"That one? What's so important about that one?"
"It looks...interesting," he said looking away and trying not to be to persistent. I figured something was up and he wasn't going to tell me, so if I wanted to find out I would have to follow him.
Knowing all this, I still did it. "Yeah, sure..."
We passed an extraordinary number of young people, and not dressed in school uniforms. In fact, I noticed that the walk was fully occupied by teenagers—with their eyes closed and giggling.
"What's their problem?" I asked suspiciously.
"I neglected to tell you something," he said lightly.
"And what was that?"
"We are supposed to close our eyes when we pass between those two rocks. It's a mystery to me!" he added to fend off my near-attack.
"Fine."
"Would you like help?"
"No! I can walk by myself. Let me do it alone."
I was doing just fine until I bumped into a firm arm, "Hey!"
"It's just me, Lina. I nearly stepped over the edge here and stopped. Looks like I blocked your way."
"I think this path's rigged. It feels like it slopes one way. Okay, I'm back on track. Get moving."
"Aren't you there yet?" I called out to him. He was in front and should have reached the rock by this time. I was tempted to crack open my eyes to see where we were, but didn't.
"It seems I've gone off course." His voice was off to one side.
"Yeah, you need to come this way. I remember a couple offshoot dead ends that way. Back up until you hit me..."
"Lina?"
"That's me. Now go straight and we out to be there."
And we were. And so were a gaggle of happy couples babbling so fast I couldn't understand anything.
"What are they saying? Is something wrong?" I demanded.
Xelloss was wearing his impish smile and started messing with his hair. Oh gods...what had I done?
"It seems that I didn't read everything."
"No doubt..." I sighed.
"Apparently, this is called the 'love walk'. The story is that if one can walk eyes closed between the two love stones and reach the other one safely, then he or she would be successful in love. If it takes the help of another to do this, then he or she would need someone's help to achieve love." He hid behind his bangs so I couldn't read his eyes.
"What a lotta of bunk! I don't need anyone's help setting the course for my life." However, I could really identify with the dichotomous nature of the country, being so scientific and automated in almost every walk of life and, yet, still nurturing this kind of belief.
While I was considering a suitable punishment for him, Xelloss turned and look past me at some unseen distant object. "I suppose so. But wouldn't it be nice if it were all so simple?"
For a moment his eyes filled with a mixture of anxiety and longing. He was serious and worried about where he was going in his life-- that was for sure.
I let him off the hook, since he had hung himself on one already. "Well, I wouldn't worry about it. Everything will be all right."
His smile returned and his eyes disappeared as he looked down and away submissively. "If you say so. We can catch up to the others this way."
We moved on to our last stop of the day, Ryoan-ji. The main building of the temple is called the Kuri, which played second fiddle to the dry garden Ryoan-ji.
"What does this say, Mr. Xelloss?" Amelia asked as she sat down on a rock and pointed to a stone water basin.
Xelloss knelt obligingly to read the inscription, "The Tsukubai appears to be etched with a significant Zen thought: 'I learn only to be contented'.
"Ummmm," she smiled. "That's nice. I'd like that back in my garden."
"I'll remember that then," he smiled and grasped her hand in order to help her to her feet.
"Thank you. There's so much to see and I didn't bring my camera today. Good thing I have you and your photographic memory to rely on!"
I thought the two were pretty cute walking along hand-in-hand, brother and sister like. I noticed Zel watching them out of the corner of his eye and wondered how trusting a guy he was these days. I knew he had a jealous streak, I just didn't know how deep. I tensed, ready for trouble, but Zel just turned and walked on, not saying a word or looking troubled. I was happy that he was able to see past the obvious need-for-contact Xelloss and Amelia had and to recognize their deep friendship.
The accompanying lake-garden, called Kyoyochi Pond, sported an attractive, to me anyway, small restaurant next to the water. With little effort, I directed the group in for another nibble. We grabbed a bite of noodles in take away cartons for a snack and then...
"The simple rock garden of Ryoan-ji is regarded as Japan's most famous 'kare sansui' or dry garden of this category (the Daihi-ji Zen monastery also has a nice dry garden). A visit here is a quiet, contemplative experience..." Xelloss chanted on and on as if nothing ever bothered him.
"Quiet...even if you are perched on the edge of a wooden veranda along with dozens of other curious visitors, chattering school kids, and crying babies," Zelgadiss grumbled in my ear.
"Quiet for those of us with hearing in normal audible ranges," Xelloss and Zel traded brotherly smirks before he continued reading, "It was probably created around 1450 when the complex was converted to a Zen temple, although it was 'rediscovered' in the 1930's and has risen in popularity ever since."
"The mornings are usually less crowded if you seek a more private experience at the garden," Subaru sighed.
Couldn't change that now, so we looked around. The walled rock garden had a rectangular perimeter, with trees acting as a natural backdrop.
"There are fifteen stones of various sizes and shapes arranged into several clusters amongst a pit of whitish raked sand," Xelloss told us.
"That's because the number '15' represents completeness in Buddhism," Subaru added.
Great. White sand, 15 rocks. Garden? Some of the stones were dotted by bits of green moss-- that made up the plant life.
"The stones have been placed in such a way that it is impossible (except by overhead view) to see all fifteen stones at one time, as one may be "hiding" behind another from certain vantage points. It is believed that the rock garden is a "riddle" created by the Zen masters to test and enlighten their students." Xelloss' smile widened and he looked at Subaru, asking, "Riddle?"
"Y-yes! It is like a Zen Rorschach test (pronounced 'roar shock', you know, those inkblot tests) to see what the garden means to you and what it appears to represent to you. For the ordinary viewer, this all looks like just a bunch of rocks, but it is still interesting to enter the Zen thought process just a wee bit," Subaru's eyes actually lit up! I though it was worth the trip just to breathe some life into the poor kid.
To my amazement, Subaru opened with the longest speech I'd ever heard from him—and the stuttering which plagued his speech patterns was absent. "The garden expresses both aspects of Zen philosophy through a minimalist aesthetic that has become characteristically Japanese. Silent contemplation of it encourages that elusive 'oneness' and abstraction of the mind. It is also a riddle, set by an unknown Zen master some 600 years ago. It is composed of 15 stones within an area of carefully raked gravel, but the stones are laid out in such a way that wherever you stand - and this is the critical part - you can only ever see 14 at once."
"Ah, ha!" I said aloud. A test!
I wasn't sure how this was riddle exactly, so I stuck with the more entertaining conundrum of trying to figure out what the stones were supposed to represent.
"Tigers swimming across a river," was one suggestion from Filia.
"Logs floating downstream," was another from Amelia.
"Fifteen stones covered with varying quantities of lichens (not 'moss', I was corrected)," was Zel's far too literal interpretation.
I clearly had a way to go myself as I was imagining clouds and...
"'Gators!" Gourry suggested unexpectedly. "Just like that time you saw that one in Zephillia, remember Xelloss?"
Xelloss smiled and nodded, "I was thinking along those lines myself."
Gourry, pleased to have solved the riddle, at least in his own mind, continued to wander and 'contemplate', I suppose.
Subaru started to explain again, "As regards to the Zen interpretation, (which appealed most to me, viewing the garden from the verandah, it was indeed impossible to see all fifteen stones. But the point is that the garden was not meant to be viewed from the verandah; that was only how we were forced to see it today) the garden was meant to be seen from inside the Hojo, sitting comfortably on the tatami - and in that case, all stones were visible."
Oh. There went my inner understanding processes.
Over dinner that night, Zel and Xelloss got into an idiotic argument. So much for Zel's maturation prospects. Gourry said one stupid thing after another, frustrating me to all get out. Val was surly, Filia crabby, Amelia wanted to read a book, Sylphiel was tired, Kiki and Subaru were the only two I cared to share space with, but I needed more space. I loved my friends, you know, but there were times I needed to be traveling on my own. I wandered outside the restaurant while the others gathered themselves and followed, making our way back to our hotel. Along the way, I noticed a small store featuring traveling attire and accessories, which got me to thinking...
Yes, I had had it with the shrines and my associates, so the next day I stepped into the travel store, bought a folding bike and headed out on my own, much to the irritation of my friends. "I got the cell phone you gave us all, Xelloss. If I have any trouble, I'll call."
I tested the folding and unfolding of the bike until I knew I had it down, and then I was off. Yes, my bike. With it, I could clatter along pavements, accompanied by herds of schoolgirl cyclists in sailor suits and weave among the suited businessmen. Then, at the impeccably clean train station ticket hall, I performed my collapsible-horse magic. So you can fold a piece of paper into a crane? That's nothing! Watch as my bicycle turns into a satchel-sized modern sculpture! See the wheels nestle together like the eyes on a Picasso!
Passers-by cooed as my bike melted into its carrying bag. Surprisingly, in a land where petty crime was as rare as an anorexic sumo wrestler, unlocked bikes (and umbrellas) got 'borrowed'. Anyway, I took my bike everywhere with me whether I was riding it or carrying it. It fit snugly in crammed commuter trains, buses, and phone boxes. It was so small it even fit - incredible, but true - inside a Japanese hotel room.
What did I see...? Well, there were the inscrutable roadside advertising signs in the language of Seyruun. One said confidently 'YES. AMENITY IN HUMAN LIFE', a sentiment I'd thoroughly agree with if I knew what the hell it meant. (Later Subaru informed me that it was for financial services, so it made no less sense than their Seyruun counterparts' ads.) A common road sign advised me to 'BEWARE OF MONKEYS'. I found only one example of graffiti: several well-drawn Disney characters festively decorating an underpass, which all goes to show that, by Atlas City standards, Japanese vandalism is pretty... Mickey Mouse.
Dawdling through a remote fishing village, I saw three men at their picnic lunch, dressed in extraordinary clothes. They carried staffs and bells. They wore lampshade hats, and white robes emblazoned with Chinese characters. And Reebok trainers and North Face rucksacks.
This I had to learn more about! So, I stopped to talk. Lucky for me, they could handle my language well. They were henrosha - pilgrims doing the 88-temple circuit of Shikoku, a historic trail which atones for the 88 earthly sins. (What were the other 81? Clearly the Japanese were not as strait-laced as many people thought.) It could take weeks to do on foot, though I ran into people doing it by bike, public transport, motorbike, and car.
When the Japanese did something, I found, they most usually went about it properly. For around $300, shops on the trail sold the complete pilgrim's package: hat, staff, robes and bell, plus a large book where you collect the name of each temple visited. The temple's name was inscribed by the priest in artful calligraphy, done so skillfully that it was totally illegible even to very educated Japanese. Cool keepsake.
I was gone just one night then road back. It was a memorable experience for me, so I jotted down a few experiences with which, along with a few other ones from earlier that I hadn't written about before but were notable enough in importance to grace my journal. I end my tale of our trip to Japan with these insightful reflections:
--Outside many businesses stood long rows of dozens or even hundreds of lockable umbrella stands located outside. Very handy.
--I put a wrinkled, worn 1000-yen note into a vending machine, and it was instantly identified and accepted it--no muss, no fuss.
--The sound a bottle of Diet Coke made when I open it was different, more of an explosive 'pop' than the gentle hiss of Coke from Seyruun.
-- Japanese school children go on a lot of field trips.
--People bicycled on the sidewalk. They did it politely, but some of them were doing computer work on their Web-enabled cell phones while they were pedaling. In fact, I saw very few folks actually making cell phone calls anywhere, but lots of folk who were using their phones for data.
--I was also only sort of prepared for Japanese commerce. I vaguely knew that there were 7-Elevens to be found, but I didn't know that I would find convenience stores on practically every block, and that they would sell practically everything.
--Convenience, in general, was important. So was gadgetry. And they melded these interests in a million ways, ranging from ones I approved of (as in a conveyor-belt sushi joint I visited) to ones that were a little alarming (like those five-function toilets with a push-button dashboards.)
--The Japanese love of cuteness I was aware of, but again, it went even further than I had expected. It was, at first, startling. When I went to the Tokyo Tower with my friends earlier in our trip, a strange cartoony anthropomorphic tower character was lumbering around, which grownups seemed more interested than the kids. Later, I noticed the warning signs on the subway showed an adorable kitty getting his tail caught in the door. By the end of my bike trip, however, I had grown a thicker hide, I guess, since I barely gave it a moment's thought when I rode by a row of stores and encountered a giant teddy bear that strolled past me and cheerfully waved.
--As for the people, I really liked them. Some spoke my language well, others used certain phrases haltingly, and some knew as much as I knew Japanese. In spite of the language barrier, they certainly lived up to their reputation for politeness--I'm not sure if Seyruun's finest salesperson would equal the treatment I got from the guy who sold me some sushi at a convenience store.
--Everywhere we went people would bow--at the convenience stores, on the street, everywhere. By the time I formed the habit of returning their polite bows, it was time to go home.
It was hard leaving. I wanna go back sometime.
All right so where was I going with all this? Oh, yeah, the story from my point of view of what happened to us to get us to the time of our ten year reunion party. Let's see...musical...Japan... Got it, okay, so after that we had a lot of gigs for the band and learned new stuff and all. Then I started college in fall. I had made up my mind that college was gonna be more meaningful than high school had ever been. After wasting my brilliance in the stultification of my high school classes, where I practiced academics at most one and one-half hours out of every six hour day there (although I did exercise my patience, tolerance, and sometimes even my wit in the lunch room with my friends,) I was looking for challenges.
I found them.
My advanced placement courses excused me from freshman-level classes at large, which meant I was placed academically and with respect for actual age in with more mature kids. Nice for a change. They behaved and listened to the lectures. No one acted out, passed notes, or jumped out windows. Oh, hell, just me. Just that one time. Hey, you weren't there! I had to get some air and my seat was right by the window. It was open, just hanging open and all I had to do was climb and jump. Yes, it was the ground floor! What do you think I am, mad! I don't have delusions of flying, that's Xelloss you got me confused with. Anyway, what was I talking about? College, I had found my future and a place to shine and converse on topics of interest outside the world of The Slayers. It was exciting, and- excuse the trite sounding word- magical. And I'm not referring to the flying part either!
Oh, and Gourry and Xelloss were both pretty busy and, so, out of my hair most of the time. Don't get me wrong, they're my friends and I love them both, but...way too clingy, insistent, and dissatisfied with the status quo, ya know? If I'd go 'out' with one of them, the other'd get pouty and want more. Xelloss, while smaller, was all over me mosta the time. Gourry would just loom over me, waiting expectantly. What was their problem? I had made it clear that I wasn't looking for a 'relationship'. I wanted my band, my friends, and my freedom. So, I'd finally escape with Amelia, when I could pry a moment out of her busy schedule, or when I had a break, I'd go see what Val was up to over at the Art Institute, or hang with Zel at his favorite campus coffee shop, the one with the 'bottomless' cup and wireless hookup.
All in all, it was a great year.
By spring, though, I was already looking forward to summer again and spending more time writing on my own and playing music. One Saturday, Xelloss dropped by my house and Luna left with my mom to 'give us some space.' They coulda done that any time, but I knew what they were up to: trying to fix me up with Xelloss. It musta been his money...
He was smiling at me and making himself comfortable on the couch. "Hi."
"Hello, Xelloss. What do you want?"
"Space?" he grinned.
"Yeah, well I'm pretty busy. Go take up space someplace else."
He was crestfallen, for an instant. "I came over to be with you, Lina." Brightening he added, "Let me take you to lunch and a movie, okay?"
I wandered over to the couch and sat on the arm overlooking his head. "Your bangs are getting long. Looks like you could put your hair back into a ponytail."
"I know. Filia's been too busy for me, too."
Guilt, guilt, guilt. "I could take a whack at it," I suggested while fingering a sleek hunk of his unnatural-looking, purple hair.
His eyes widened, horror-struck by my proposal, then came his warning mischievous glint. I dropped the hair, but didn't move fast enough. He had his arms around my waist, and dragged me down on top of him, head first. There was a lot of wriggling and twisting around as I tried to free myself, but he was quick to re-adjust and make every movement work to his advantage. Oh, I was tickling him when I could because he wasn't letting me get in any punches, so he was squirming and giggling, which got to me after awhile, making me convulse with laughter.
I mean it; he's a funny, fun guy, mostly.
We met face to face at one point. His face was so close I could see the pores, tiny and perfect and unclogged, and the shadow of a moustache shaved close but casting a faint blue color above his upper lip. Then I melted into a kiss. It happened fast. The struggle, the fun, the closeness. How had he gotten under my skin? No, make that under my blouse!
"Stop that!" I insisted.
"Okay, but are you sure you mean it?"
His hands were stroking my skin, working relentlessly upwards. I wasn't wearing a bra, which he discovered.
"Xelloss," I wanted his hands off me now. I was feeling all tingly, but not in control.
"Hmmm," he managed as he pushed up my blouse.
"Cut that out. I mean it. Stop!" I had to shove his face back into a pillow to get his attention. "Enough of the fooling around, Xelloss. You said something about taking me to lunch. Either we do that, or you gotta go."
He was breathing raggedly. He was having 'control' problems too. "O...okay." He didn't look pleased, but he didn't try to stop me from getting up.
"Listen, Xelloss. I know you think I want more of...that kind of stuff. But I don't. I like you fine, but I get tired of having to fight you off all the time."
He opened the door for me. "How would I get you to kiss me otherwise?"
"That's just the point. I don't want...to do that stuff. I know you sleep with just about anybody that will have you, isn't that enough for you already?"
"That's just not true! I don't...sleep with...anybody. Gods, Lina I'm not that desperate. You don't think so really, do you? Please, tell me you think better of me than that! I'd do anything for you..."
"You'd leave me alone?"
"Well, anything but that. I thought we were doing fine. I thought you were starting to kiss back like you might be liking me for a change."
"I do, like you, but I don't want you—get the difference? You want me to be yours and I am not into that. I am me and I want to keep it that way. Get it?"
"But I can give you anything, Lina. Take you everywhere you want to go. You could live like a princess...like a Queen!"
I had to give Xelloss that. He did know how to seduce a girl like me, had I been interested.
"I don't know what I want, but I don't think you or anyone else can give it to me, get that? Oh, except lunch. I can use that right now, but nothing else. I don't want your promises or your demands on me in return."
"Not now."
"Not ever! I want this real clear, Xelloss. I don't want you or anything you've got to give me, sex included. Not now, not in the foreseeable future."
"Except...my drumming."
"Oh, yeah. That. That's important. I want the band unscathed and in one working piece, sure. I also want to make my life what I want it to be, on my own, without anyone dragging me down or directing my course of action along the way either by guilt or by force. And to do that, I don't need you pressuring me for what you, and only you, want."
Xelloss nodded briskly, but wouldn't meet my eyes. He fed me and walked me home, not once treating me to his genuine warmth or infectious humor. I hated to lose that, but it had to be done.
Nothing much seemed to change until a few weeks later; I got this call from Zel. "Hi, Zel. Whatsup?"
"It's about Xelloss; he's getting married to Karly."
I staggered over to my bed and buckled over, all the while trying to gain control of my racing heart and spinning brain.
"Lina? Did you hear? Are you still there?"
"Yeah, yeah, just getting comfortable. Karly. Who's that?" I asked. Now, it didn't really matter to me, who she was; that is, but I had to say something and it was the first thing out of my mouth. I really was shocked.
"Karly, the girl he's been bringing around to show off at practices lately. The one you called Knarly," Zel said flatly.
"Oh, yeah, well it's ludicrous of him to marry her...or anyone! He's got time and money so why doesn't he just have some fun for a few years?"
"You should ask him that, not me. He's already committed. Anyway, he'll be counting on you to be one of the bridesmaids. I'm best man."
"Does that mean I gotta get dressed up? Oh, jeez, whatta waste."
"Don't complain to me. I was just calling to prepare you."
"What makes you think I need preparing? Xelloss can do whatever asinine thing he wants to without consulting me. He doesn't need my...approval. I don't care. It's his life to throw away on some leech, if he's so damned intent on doing that. He's nothing to me, that's for sure!" I was all worked up for some reason. Zel could do that to me with just his superior tone of voice.
"You are upset and are trying to hide it with anger. Don't try and bluster past me. You had your chance. Whatever you said to him last month, must have cut the cord connecting his heart to yours, to have driven him to...make this rash decision."
"Me? Now, don't you go putting the blame for Xelloss' mad folly on me! He was getting all...lovey-dovey on me."
Zel was silent.
"I was home and he just...appeared. Luna let him in the door before leaving. If she thinks so much of him, she outta be the one marrying him! Anyway, so he just started getting all pushy like he's my boyfriend or something, then...well, I put a stop to what he had on his mind. I say 'mind' but that's giving him far more credit than he deserves. I let him know that from my standpoint, he was way too interested in procreation, in both the act and the result. I told him to leave off with the stupid pranks and give me some space. That I didn't want his grubby hands on me, and that I wouldn't go out with him any more. I told him that if he didn't know me well enough by now not to be such a jerk- and he'd played out this stupid scene before with no success- then he never would and, subsequently, I kicked him out. At least, something like that. We did eat something, but at some point I musta told him to leave the house, but I forget the exact phrasing. Get the general picture, now?"
"Fine, Lina. If that's how you want to think," Zel muttered, adding, "I'll talk to you later," and then hung up on me.
Sure he was mad at me. He probably wanted his two best friends to 'get along' better, but, Xelloss...could be so impoverished emotionally and I just didn't want to have to be the one to supply those 'needs' for him, or any other male for that matter. Why couldn't he just accept that and admire me from afar like everyone else?
Except Gourry. Ugh, the other stickle-burr. It was strange. He moved into Xelloss' room in the house he shared with Val and Zel. It was strange not having him just a few houses down the block. Real empty like. I mean, he'd still drop by now and then, hell, even Xelloss did, although it was on a more and more infrequent basis than either of them had in the past. Which was great, right? That's what I wanted, more freedom and less pestering. I mean, we all saw each other lots with the band. There was no reason to hang out all the time, right?
So one time Gourry invited me over to his mom's place, for dinner. Like old times. We were sitting around waiting for the food, just talking and all, having a fine time. Eventually, we moved to the dining room and everything seemed great. We talked about everything. Real interesting, too. When his sisters were clearing the table, Mrs. Gabriev pulls me aside and asks questions, the oddest of them being, "Is something the matter, dear?"
"No," I said honestly as I could. I mean, sure, I had my share of troubles, but it wasn't like she wanted to hear about those.
"Really, well, you hadn't said a word to Gourry all night, so I was wondering..."
"Huh?" Hadn't I? I sure had been doing a lot of talking to someone.
"Although, I'm certain Joey enjoyed you taking an interest in his life. I think he gets a little overwhelmed by the Slayers phenomena and feels left out much of the time. Not that I blame you, dear. He's just a boy and I don't want him competing with his older brother or Xelloss for time in the limelight."
I wasn't following her very well, but I got the gist that I'd been talking to Joey and not Gourry all evening. Even though Joey was just a kid still, he was real smart, a serious, intellectual-type guy. Because he was smart and so tall, I forgot that he was still pretty young. Okay, I had liked having someone to talk to about books and history instead of just music. That's when it hit me. Gourry was out of school, working, in the big world dealing with construction job issues. Besides our history and the band, what did we have in common anymore? What interests? It made me sad thinking that, and I didn't want to bring down the whole night, so I said, "Oh, Gourry and I have more opportunities to talk, like when he walks me home tonight. Yeah, I just can't get over how little Joey's all grown up, huh? Hey, and Alfie and Chuckie, too," I added as the two youngest siblings ran into the room.
Now their mother was busy chasing down their problem and that left me off the hook for any further explanation. For the time being.
Gourry and I did walk home after that, talking about the upcoming line up of gigs and whatever. We didn't have much to say. He hated to argue or debate stuff. No wonder! He didn't have many facts at the tip of his tongue to back up his arguments, generally, so he always lost out. He was not the clubbing sort so we couldn't do that together, or do writing workshops on campus, either. We really didn't have that much in common. He could see that, couldn't he? He tried to kiss me before he left, but I shut the door on him first. We were just friends, like how I wanted it...like how I wanted to keep it.
Yeah, I had it much better than my poor friend, Amelia. She couldn't 'help herself', so she said. If Zelgadiss wanted to see her, then she'd drop whatever and rush to meet him. Well, until he pulled that stunt at the beach and showed her his true colors: true blue, male jerk. I covered for her with her dad, telling ole Phil that I was along with them at the beach and would chaperone after Zel's car wouldn't start. I shoulda let Phil send his driver and bring them back home. That's what I shoulda done! 'Course, then Amelia wouldn't have learned her lesson. She was better off running around with Nahga, Val, and me that summer, anyway. I mean, Zel's like my brother and I like him, but... she could do far better just culturing good friends and staying out of the boyfriend market entirely for a while longer. Unfortunately by fall, she had forgiven him. Fortunately, she was in high school and very popular and Zel was in college and a virtual hermit. I figured time would do its thing and they'd grow apart.
Then came her birthday.
I thought she had that covered with all the boys she was dating, but somehow I had underestimated her lingering attraction to Zel. She wouldn't share all the details, just the cake and earrings, but I got the sinking feeling that she thought Zel was in love with her at last. I hoped she hadn't slept with him to come to that conclusion, but I was afraid she had. I wasn't going to pry into her personal affairs, so we left it at that.
I tried to warn Zel in a phone call, that if he hurt Amelia I'd take IT up where Phil left off, but he insisted that he'd done her no harm and that they'd both had a 'nice time.' That didn't assuage my feelings of misgivings one iota. He and I did manage to agree to have the band play at Amelia's graduation party at the end of the school year, and that was that. He was hanging on wanting to talk, but I had nothing to say. By the tone of his voice, I could tell Zel was hurting. He missed having his friend, Xelloss, around all the time. I never would have considered him the type to form such tight bonds, but then, he was a loyal friend to me and the rest of the band, so why not? I know that once you get used to folks just being there, you get accustomed to their presence. You might even ignore their little annoying singularities after awhile, or choose to appreciate them. Either that or they'd drive you nuts. I couldn't decide whether I missed Gourry and Xelloss' near-daily visits or was relieved by their neglect. I imagined that Zel had similar mixed emotions over his friend's marriage and subsequent loss of contact.
So, at the end of the year, Amelia had a graduation party. We played music and Nahga was supposed to stand in for Amelia's singing parts, but she managed to go and almost make a spectacle of herself. Luckily, Zolf was there running the security team at the time and he took care of her himself. Yeah, sure. He went bonkers over her. I was keeping my eye on him and Val. I wasn't sure if Val and Filia were still on or if he was dating Nahga some of the time. I knew he and Nahga had some kind of a business thing going, but I tried to steer clear of all the romantic interconnections.
"Hey, Val," I cornered him during a break.
"Hold on. I need a drink," he grumbled.
I thought he was headed for some hidden alcohol stash of his, but he just popped a can of soda. "Whatsup, boss lady?"
"Ah...nothing..." I started to back away, but his long arm shot out and clutched my arm.
"I saw what was goin' on over there," Val titled his head in the direction of the door through which Nahga and Zolf had disappeared. "Zolf's good. He'd take good care of her. She...had a rough breakup. She can't find dudes good enough for her, that's all."
"Oh, well...o-okay, then," I stammered. That answered my unasked question about Val and her anyway.
"So, you wanna see where the spas' goin'? Got us some tracts of land by the old clan badlands to improve and de-vel-lop. Cabin to stay at, if yer interested."
His eyes slid to mine. Gold. His eyes were like molten gold marbles with bright sparks for highlights. So unlike Xelloss' deep purple secretive pools, or Gourry's clear, pure wistful blues, or Zelgadiss' hooded aqua-marine infernos, Val's were a complex mix of accusatory and dare and arrogance and a pinch of longing to be free of all the pretense too, leastwise, I thought it was.
"When? This weekend? Well, ah..." Geez, I just kept rattling out nonsense around him. He may have nodded, I wasn't looking. "Sure, but not this next one. Too close to project deadlines." Then my eyes slipped upwards.
His hard-edged, gold-toned eyes definitely warmed as Val let down his guard and said, "Me too. Got some big art thing comin' up. You don't need nothin' 'cept a sleepin' bag and I probably got extras of those 'round if ya can't locate yer own. You'll need a coat 'cause it's cold in the high desert at night."
He seemed excited to show off the place and I needed to get out. And he'd guessed right about not being able to find my sleeping bag. Nature and some freedom would feel real good.
And it did.
We had a real good time. Place was primitive, but that's all right. He had plans, lots of them and the money to pull them off. He kept another motorcycle up at the cabin so we could get around fast. Man! Flyin' thought the passes, over hills, across the damp but water-free stream beds...what a blast! We had so much fun, he asked me if I'd like to do it again sometime, and I said yes. It was great. I figured it was perfect doin' stuff like this with a guy who had a girlfriend, because then he wouldn't feel the need or have the drive to hit on me. I said something to that effect to him.
"Heh, well...could be, but I ain't got no girlfriend right now. Fil and I well, we got as far as we could go and then we ran outta whatever it takes to make it go. I wanted one thing and she somethin' different, I guess. It was mutual, so don't get all messed that we're gonna split the band of somethin'. It's all cool, is what I mean."
Damn. So much for that hunch. Well, anyway Val seemed to be able to act normally around me so that was okay, I guessed.
"Got me some...pos-si-bil-i-ties, though," he grinned. "No problem getting those, not that I need anything much. I ain't got those nesting needs."
Hey, me neither! I had found a true ally here at last. "Yeah, I hear ya. Gourry...Sylphiel...Xelloss...Amelia and even Zel kinda, well...a little I think sometimes, are looking to settle down. I mean, if ya don't want kids, and I sure as hell don't, then why not embrace yer own life for awhile?"
He grinned, "Right. That's what I kept sayin', but most chicks want com-mit-ments."
"Most dudes do too, after a certain amount of time," I agreed.
"But not me!" we both said simultaneously, and then laughed.
Yeah, great, huh? For the longest time, Val had bugged me about getting together, but that was way back in high school, before Filia. He hadn't pressed me since and now I had a friend to lean on, and so had he—no obligations. Big sigh of relief there, I gotta tell you.
When the next opportunity arose to head out to the badlands, I couldn't wait.
"Ah, Zel's been naggin' me to come along. Okay with you if I invite some others?" Val asked.
I had been hoping for the peace and quiet of just the two of us, but I didn't want to give him the wrong impression, so I acted thrilled, "Sure, why not? In fact, if you and Nahga got business to take care of, why not bring her and her sister, too so I got someone to bum around with?"
And so he did! He neglected to inform the others about the whole party because I'm certain Amelia wouldn't have been allowed to come along with Zelgadiss as a participant. The entire weekend went pretty much like Zel told it in his story. He got that much right. Nahga made an ass of herself, while Val and Zel managed to control themselves.
The place was great. I really loved the dry air and huge open skies. You could see forever. Val and I were sitting outside looking at the stars one night there. He was looking contented. "This place seems to agree with you, Val."
"Yeah, it does, doesn't it? Feels good up here. I can see why my people, the Ancient Clan, made their home here. Like there's nothin' between you and the gods, ya know?"
Wow, that was about as religious a thing as I had ever heard him say.
"I think I do," was all I could say.
"You seem ah... sad, kinda. Was it that?" he asked with caring.
"Ah, no...Linda...my...mom..." my breath caught in my throat. I was getting all choked up about her now. "She told Luna and me she's gotta move on again."
"She's stayin' with the CIA? I thought she'd quit."
"No, just Zolf and Rodimus quit. She's got another assignment someplace."
"Sorry, Li..."
"Eh, no biggy. We've been without her before, right?" But even I didn't believe the tough act I was putting on, so I knew he could see right through me. I rolled the 'Li' nickname around a little, too. Zel had said once that Val called me that around the 'boys' but I hadn't heard it before, until this conversation.
"Yer mom, she's a traveler. Like you inna way. Doesn't like to be tied down. Rough on the kids though. But," he said in a low, soft voice, "Don't mean she don't love you, in her own way."
I nodded and bit back my tears threatening to make me feel foolish.
"I'd feel rejected, if it were me. I'll bet you do, but hey, ya got me and the rest of the band. We'll always be here for you. Believe me, okay?"
And there was something in his intense expression that made me believe him. I felt better having shared the information with someone who cared.
"Zel probably told yuh the same thing," Val added cautiously.
But he hadn't because I hadn't told him. Zel wouldn't understand. He'd get the rejection part all right, but he was so used to that feeling that he wouldn't get why it bothered me. So what? So 'mom' was going again? It wasn't like she'd ever been there for me in the past! I could hear his words, but those weren't the ones I needed to hear. Gourry would know what to say, but he wasn't here. Amelia would, too...but she and Zel were off counting rocks or something. "Um, sure, well...thanks Val. I'll think about what ya said."
So this bear climbs into our cabin window...I thought for a second that it was Val plundering the kitchen for food, but one whiff and I knew even Val couldn't smell that bad! I tried opening the front and only door to give the animal a preferred exit, but something solid was pressed up against it from the outside. I was afraid it might be another bear, so I backed off. The bear was eyeing me coolly, like I might be a friend or a meal, I couldn't tell which and frankly I wasn't much interested in becoming either one.
Nahga, ready as ever to prove that she was better than me, braver than me and certainly much more brazen than me, had slipped off into the 'kitchen' area, picked up the pot and pan Zel had left out to dry, and began bashing them together like a crazed woman. When the bear made a lunge at me, I started yelling at Nahga to 'cut it out!' Lucky for me, Nahga did know what she was doing, swept past me, and continued annoying the hell outa the bear, banging and shouting away until the poor beast panicked and headed for the partially blocked door. With a forceful push and shove, the bear escaped over, or onto Val, and past Zelgadiss. Nahga wasn't going to stop at that. No, the 'Great White Serpent' was on a mission and persisted in her threat to scare the thing witless or blast out its eardrums as she hollered and crashed and banged after it. Out it bounded, with Nahga in pursuit, relentless and naked as a jay bird...both of them, I guess you could say. If there was any question as to how the woman looked without clothes, it was put to rest that morning. Val looked amazed and Zel looked stunned...and amazed. Men. You'd think they'd be able to handle a little nudity by this age, but no.
It would be the last time Nahga would hang out with us like this, because when we got back to Seyruun, Zolf was waiting. Like I said before the first time I met him in Zephillia, Zolf was handsome. I learned to appreciate that he was also smart, talented, and a loyal friend and worker. Nahga was well-off, what with the ongoing spa thing (financed mostly by Val, mind you) and some inheritance from her mother, a sharp cookie, and a looker, from most accounts. That meant that the two of them made a fine match.
They thought so as well.
Phil was beyond himself with joy when he learned that they were seriously dating. Later, when Nahga told her father that she and Zolf were getting married, poor Phil over-did himself putting on a spectacular wedding feast—that's the part I can recall with any clarity. Yep, the mayor had to take a few days off to rest and re-cooperate after that. I wondered how he'd react when his little darling Amelia got married. Probably suffer a heart attack if he wasn't careful.
I gather that both Filia and Zel wore out the 'Filia becomes Lina's roommate' story, so I won't repeat it. I was relieved to have Filia move in with me. I hated the empty place after my sister moved out. I won't go on about the day my mom left again. Luna was pretty disgusted with her, actually, although I understood. However, I learned one thing: if I ever have any kids of my own, and I'm not planning on it by the way, I'm never going to just up and leave them. It's cruel. Why even have kids if you're not going to raise them? My father wanted kids; that was the case with my family. He hadn't planned on dying before us and I'm certain that he counted on mom to do her part if and when the time came to take care of us. Sure, kids tie you down, that's why I don't want any myself. Mom shouldn'ta had us...but then...I guess I'd rather be alive now and living this life, than the alternative. So, here's to mom for giving birth to us and dad for wanting us! Cheers!
Which all brings me to the next part...
Filia was about moved in when Xelloss dropped by to say hello and ask if we needed any help.
"Of course not," Filia bit off without hesitation. "Like always when there's any physical labor to be done, you manage to appear when it's mostly finished. Besides, I don't want you touching my things."
"Oh?" his voice caught in his throat.
I could tell his feelings were hurt, and just to smooth things over I offered, "I got something for you to do. Here in the kitchen..."
He followed me to the sink full of dirty dishes. "You want me to wash these?"
"Oh, ah...I was just thinking you could get us drinks, but... sure, while yer at it, you do that too."
"As you wish, Lina."
I was pretty pleased how that worked out; it gave me time to muse. I had missed his often-present buzzing about the place, checking on me. Yes, Xelloss could make a fairly handy roommate, with all his cleaning skills, and cooking ones, too. Zel had told me that he'd learned his way around their kitchen. Too bad he was a male; Xelloss, that is. 'Course, it helped that now that he was married, he was less...forward, shall we say. Yeah, however, it all didn't matter now that he was someone else's husband and servant. I imagined Xelloss was easy for his wife to boss around--not to mention not available for house sitting any more. I wasn't confused about what I wanted, just thinking to myself.
"Ah, I'll be back," I told him. "There's someone at the door."
This time it was Gourry, looking for a job to do, too.
"Too late!" I announced to him.
I hadn't expected the grief-stricken look Gourry gave me in response, so I clarified, "Filia's all moved in, if that's whatcher here for."
He immediately appeared relieved, "Oh, um...that's right...I'd forgotten. That was today?"
I nodded, "Yep. Wanna come in?"
"Ah, I was hopin' we could go out. For a walk an' get a bite to eat at the deli..."
Before I could yell for Filia to get ready to go, he added, "Just you an' me, Lina. It's...kinda, no... REAL important."
"It is? Oh, okay. FILIA! I'm headin' out a bit! Check on Xelloss in the kitchen, all right?"
I noticed Gourry's eyes shot over my head to scan inside the house, "Xelloss...is here?"
"Yeah, he just got here. Doin' dishes. Come on, let's git before I haveta do any more explaining."
We walked in silence toward the deli, passing by the park along the way. Gourry paused. "Was he there to help Filia?"
"Who, Xelloss? I suppose, though he got there too late to be of much help."
"I didn't think they got along."
"Sometimes," I sighed. I didn't think Gourry to be the devious sort, but it seemed to me like he was beating around the bush. And I was pretty sure I knew about what. "He's got a wife now and dotes on her. He has no interest in either Filia or me, for that matter. He's just being friendly, understand?"
Gourry nodded. "Yeah. It's just..."
He stopped again and scanned the park. Empty. "Can we sit at that bench a minute?"
My turn to nod mutely.
We sat. He turned toward me and picked up one of my hands and enfolded it in one of his palms. His hands were huge compared to mine. "Lina, ya know how I feel...about ya. Or, maybe ya don't."
"Gourry...don't..."
"But I gotta, Lina! I love ya so much and I wanna marry ya. An' now that Xelloss is married an' I know ya don't love him, then yer free ta marry me."
I was stunned to silence. Marry him!
"I got what ya need, a good job, steady work that pays well and a good future. You can go ta school if ya want, but ya won't need ta work, ever. We'll get ourselves a nice house and fix it up just like ya want it. An' I'll take good care of ya Lina, I promise. I'll keep ya safe and happy."
What was he jabbering on about? Our future? It didn't sound like mine! I was starting to get hot, flushing with embarrassment and anger simultaneously. What had gotten into Gourry? Why was he saying all this stuff to me?
"...kids..."
"Huh?" I looked at him aghast, like he had grown another head or something. He'd been carrying on and I had not been listening to all his ramblings.
"Sure, kids, I know ya like 'em. I do too, so we can have as many as ya want, as soon as ya want. Or, if ya wanna wait until you've done a bit more college stuff, that's okay, I guess..."
"You're t-talking about us h-having kids, g-getting married? B-but..." I sputtered like Filia's neglected tea kettle.
"Well, yeah. Ya wanna go out some first before we get married, that's okay with me..."
I yanked my hand from his grasp, "I don't want any...KIDS! I don't want to get married! Ever! You don't even KNOW what goes on inside my head any more, Gourry! How could you even... SAY all this stuff to me? I hate little kids. You ever see me around them? By choice! I don't date. I have no interest in 'couples' stuff... romance... and certainly not with you! You wanna know what I want? I just want you to leave me alone! I don't want to date you! I don't want you 'taking care' of me. I can do that perfectly well all by myself and that's the way I want it!"
He was looking down and away, not meeting my eyes. "So you are in love with him after all..."
"WHAT!"
Gourry riveted me to the bench with his intense stare. "Xelloss. You love him, but ya can't have him now."
"You idiot! Didn't you hear a word I said! You're not deaf...are you that stupid, Gourry? I am not in love with anybody, got that? I run my life the way I want it. No one takes care of me. I don't want you or anyone for a husband. EVER!" I was shaking and screaming and I had actually managed to kill my appetite. "Go home!" I shouted one last time, and then did what I had ordered him to do.
Xelloss, thankfully, had left my house in the meantime, leaving me and Filia alone. I gave Filia the short version of what had happened, and then shut myself in my room to change clothes. Filia and I went out for dinner later. But that night, his words came back to me, filling me with more anger. Why had he turned on me and said all that stuff after all the years we'd been friends and hung out together? Was he crazy? Pressuring me that way? Putting our friendship on the line for...what? I didn't think I could stand to look at him again. I should just kick him out of the band, I thought. Good thing it was all in my head. It would have been rash to have done that, especially since it all blew over after a week or so. Next band practice he was the same ole Gourry far as I could tell. Geesh! Men! I didn't think I'd ever get what was going on inside their heads.
Thanksgiving I went to stay with Luna at the clan settlement. Xelloss. What a mess he was. I mean, divorced already. At the time I really felt for Filia, having to take care of him and all. I couldn't tell if seeing Val fawning after that little tramp (one of the notorious twins) bothered her or not. I was disappointed in his choice. I thought he had better taste than to go for that kind of girl. Anyway, poor Filia, she had that to face and then to discover her boyfriend in bed with the tramp's trampy twin sister! Gods! I tried to get Zel to come take Xelloss off her hands—his duty—but he was 'unavailable'. Filia rose to the occasion and did her 'priestess' thing, taking in the invalid Xelloss and healing his wounds. Idiot. He shouldn't have married that Karly bitch. I'd told him so, or at least I'd meant to. Oh well. He got what he deserved. Just because I wasn't the bonding type when he was, didn't mean he had to go and glom onto Karly.
Best thing was, Val lost his 'girl' too. When Polly made her departure with Brad, Penny left as well. That meant I got to hang out with him. It was either that or my sister and...well...Val was far less trouble. He took me out on his motorcycle, showed me around. We even did some horseback riding. He was a guy who had no cares and had fun. No girl stuck to him; he could shake them off the moment he felt them begin to put down roots. He wanted no permanent relationship and nor did I. Also, we were kinda outsiders at the clan; me more than him certainly, making us feel a bit stranded on the settlement. So, we hung out together the next day, while Filia coddled Xelloss and he distracted her.
What came next? Oh, yeah, Amelia's Solstice party. It was a small non-Slayer event. Just Kiki, Amelia and bunches of their high school buds. Zel had had to be invited and me, but that was it. I was heading out the door when Val buzzed up on his motorcycle, despite the frosty cold air. "Hey!" I shouted.
"Yo, Lina. I was on my way out to the settlement for some Solstice action. Thought I'd drop this off for ya. Ain't nothin' much, so don't get all worked up over it. Filia already gone?"
I took the small package he offered and started to unwrap it. "Yeah, she's not here. Whoa...a book of poetry. Nice, Val." I turned it over, noticing the funny smirk on his face. Must be a joke then, I thought, so I read the title aloud, "Adoration: Sonnets for Lovers," then choked.
I barely had the power to look him in the eyes, but I did. A flush had flooded his face and his jaw hung slack. I had no idea what to say. Nor did he it seemed. I don't know how much longer I could have stood the awkwardness, so I just started talking off the top of my head, "Well, heh, heh, I guess you bought this one. Not a collection of yer own stuff, right? Heh, heh. Well, I guess we both need to get going, eh?"
"Get on," he tossed me a helmet. "I'll give ya a lift."
"Sure."
"Where ya headed?"
"Amelia's. Party for her school friends."
"Cool."
Relieved not to have to say anything more. I took my spot in back and clamped on. What had possessed Val to give me a book like that? When had I ever read 'love poems?' I must have been gripping him more and more tightly, because he pulled over and stopped half way to the mayor's.
"Ease up, Li. I can't breathe," he said after twisting out of my grasp.
"Sorry."
"No prob."
Lucky for me I couldn't see his face behind the helmet. He revved up and I held on to him more loosely the rest of the trip there.
"Well, have a good time," he said in a muffled voice.
I pointed to his head, and he removed his helmet, "Oh, ah...I said..."
"Yeah, I know—have a good time," I said, although I still couldn't look him in the eye.
"Yeah," he looked aside then with a sigh said, "About the book. It was a mis..."
I interrupted whatever he was going to say. It had been a kind gesture on his part, a curious choice, but well-meaning, I was sure. I didn't want him to dismiss it all as a 'dumb thing.' "I just wanted to, ah, thank you for the gift. I hadn't done that yet. It was really nice of you to think of me, Val, so thanks."
"Oh...sure...well..."
Then I thought of something else, "You probably have a favorite one in here you wanted to read, right? Ah, come on by later and we'll...ah...you can show me, okay?" Damn, that had made me sound stupid and I could tell because he was giving me a really weird look.
I was about to start backing out of the offer, when he finally said, "Okay. I'll call ya in a couple days, when I'm free."
"A couple...yeah sure. Whenever! See ya!" I waved and dashed off. Amelia was waiting.
Amelia was waiting, still, hours later. Zel never made it. The party was over and everyone was leaving, when I heard, then saw, Zel's car breeze up.
I shook my head, "You are late, jerk."
"I was really busy, Lina. I just got away. Where's Amelia?"
"In her room..."
"Crying again," he sighed.
"Cutting up her framed photo of you, I think," I corrected him. Cruel, but he had this superior attitude about the way he thought of himself with Amelia.
"Oh, well..."
"You'd better just go home."
"Fine. I brought her a gift," he held it out in a feeble attempt to draw me to his side, I guess.
"How magnanimous. She just wanted to show you off a little to her friends." I snatched it out of his hand, "A book? How personal, Zel." But before he could defend himself, I shut the door on him.
You know which book this was, right? 'Course ya do! So, I took the rather nicely wrapped present to Amelia.
"Zel dropped by with this. I sent him away. You can talk to him later, if you want."
"Thanks, Miss Lina," she sniffed. She took the gift and opened it reluctantly.
"Eh? What's the matter?" I looked at the cover as the book slipped out of her fingers and fell onto her bed. "Erotic...? What the hell? What is wrong with that jerk anyway?"
Amelia and I sat and chewed him out. Too bad he wasn't around to hear it.
"H-he knows I like sonnets," she wailed and burst into tears.
"Yeah?" Then it dawned on me that Val had just given me a collection of sappy sonnets. What if the two guys had switched gifts by mistake? Both were distracted and apathetic enough to have done such a thing. But that would mean... Val had intended to give me the arousing poem collection. I banished that possibility away in a burst of mental flame. No way! Val might get a bit sappy, but not suggestive...around me! No, it was Zel being an arrogant ass and attempting to embarrass Amelia in front of her friends—I was certain of it!
It didn't really matter if Val was the asshole and Zel had been thoughtful...but late...which made him an asshole, too. They were both so feeble!
The next week, we were all collected together for the wedding of my sister and Julian. I was a mix of emotions: happy for Luna, hurting with her departure and mom's too, angry at Zel, and stumped and annoyed at Val. There was a pretty grand feast laid out, which I gotta tell you helped curb my resentment sufficiently to haul Zel off his lazy ass and make him dance...and talk.
"Dance, you fiend from hell," I growled at Zel who couldn't deny me.
"Amelia's still mad," he said. "You are too, I take it?"
"You betcha."
"Then why do you want to dance with me?"
"Because, I wanna dance and watch you squirm while you try and explain your way outta this one."
"I did nothing wrong. It couldn't be helped. And I don't have to explain anything to your highness." Zel was getting all worked up.
Before I was able to really haul off and smack his mocking little face, Val appeared out of the blue and manhandled me away.
"Grrr..."
"Knock it off, Li-na. If yer gotta gripe with me, then out with it."
Had he poured a bucket of ice water over me, it wouldn't have shocked me into silence faster. Well, that wasn't right. Had it been water, I would have screamed bloody murder. Instead it was his well-pressed suit in my face and his iron grip on by back. No where to run...no where to hide... A quick glance back at Zel and I could see Gourry rounding him up. No where for him to hide either.
"Zel gave Amelia a book of..."
"Yeah, I know. He took the wrong one. They'll figure that out soon. Now, whatcher problem?"
The wrong one? So that meant...I got the wrong one, too. "Was that one the one you meant to give me?"
I could feel him jump, startled, then feel a grumbling chuckle deep inside his chest. "Oh, Liiina...was that what you've been thinkin' all week? That I'd planned ta give ya a book of Erotic Love Poems? Ha! I'd be the biggest dumbass in all Seyruun ta think I could pull that off. Naw, that was something Xelloss wanted me to pick up as a joke, or not. The one I gave ya...was part of a set. Zel was ta give Amelia part and you would get the other which got misprinted."
I didn't understand.
"When ya get home, look at page 43 and you'll see what I mean," Val smiled with his hidden knowledge and smothered an out-right laugh.
Still, Val gave me a collection of love poetry, which was weird enough, but with some printing error that made it a joke. Well, I guess I understood. Just a joke then. Geez...I was letting my imagination get too carried away there for a moment and though that Val was getting soft on me. Heh, heh...boy, that was a close one.
"Page 43? Okay, sure. So, the book gift thing was kinda a joke then, right?"
A peculiar look passed across Val's face. "Uh...I gotta take a leak, 'Cuse me," Val said and marched off, leaving me to dance alone.
Okay, so maybe it wasn't. I guessed I'd better check out that page before opening my big mouth again. To quote Zel: "You never know all the ramifications of an action, try as you like."
My revere was broken by a tap on the shoulder, "May I dance?"
"Eh? Oh, Julian, yeah sure." He was my brother-in-law now, so why not?
"Very generous guy there."
"Who?"
"Why Val, of course. But don't you think it puts any pressure on you now."
What in hell was this guy babbling on about? "Pressure? Nobody pressures me into anything and gets what they want out of it, especially Val. What were you referring to?"
"Oh, I'm pretty sure he wanted to impress you more than just a little by giving me his portion of the country club. Quite a gift!"
Catching my step before stumbling, I remarked, "Yeah, he's a philanthropist all right." I had no idea that Val had given them that. It was pretty nice of him. He certainly had no need of it himself and Julian had always dreamed of owning the place, when he never thought he had a chance. Yeah, pretty sweet, Val... But it was in no way going to impress me. He wasn't out to do that. "But get this straight and crystal clear: if he gave you his share of the business as a wedding gift, then he did it because he thought it was the right thing to do. No other reason. He doesn't bend to arm-twisting (except when it's me doing the twisting) and he leaves an impression in loud obnoxious ways, not sly expensive ways...and especially important here...he's not out to get my approval, or anything, at all. We all work independent-like in the band."
Julian smiled patronizingly, "Dear Lina, I just meant that he wants you to notice him and how sporting a fellow he is. He talks about you all the time, that's what made me think of it."
"Of course he does!" I snapped. "We've been friends for ages, I'm the band leader, and I am pretty much central to all that's going on in his and the rest of the band members' lives."
"You mean his whole world revolves around you?"
"Not the entire world, nitwit, the band!" I'd had enough of his airhead banalities. The song was in its closing measures, so I ended the dance turn and headed off at a good clip. I wasn't fast enough to miss hearing him say, "I think that you protest too much, little Lina."
The party broke up and everyone went their ways: Zel and Xelloss to stay with Val, Amelia to stay with Filia, and Sylphiel and Gourry to stay at Milgasia's. I sat guard outside Luna's place, now Luna and Julian's home, while they were off on their honeymoon. I was sitting on the porch steps under a darkening sky. Crickets were setting the background rhythms as I watched a full moon rise over the hills separating the Cephied Clan settlement from Seyruun proper. It wasn't cold out despite the date on the calendar. The winter chill had not yet set in. I heard a whine rise above the other noises, which soon drowned out all else. Val's motorcycle shut down. His sandaled feet crunched across the gravel drive to the worn wooden steps to the house.
"Li?"
"Val?"
Satisfied that it was me and not some strange new lawn ornament someone had gifted my sister, he 'humph-ed' and flopped beside me. Then with a grunt, he stretched out his legs like a great stiff bird. No. Like something bigger and more dangerous...and ancient...like a dinosaur-- one of those Raptor dudes. Eh...no...more Phantasmagorical. A dragon. Yeah, all stretched out like a dragon, down to the smoking fires within.
He noticed me staring at him. "Uh, sorry 'bout that," he said as he sucked on his newly lit cigarette. "First one in a year. Nerves, I guess."
"Hnn," I agreed.
"Watchin' the moon?"
"Ummm, pretty huh?" I asked.
The crickets started their racket again. A dry breeze shook the remaining dry leaves, what was left of fall. Nerves? Had he said nerves?
"Yeah." He took one last drag, fire smoldered, smoke, then snuffed out the cigarette on a rock.
"Whole and round it glows,
Casting shadows in the night,
Moon over Seyruun."
Whoa...Val was spouting poetry... I was moved to ask, "Haiku? Whose?"
"Mine. Just thought it up. Mostly, they just come to me that way."
Not to me! "Cool. Poems just pop into your head?"
"Yeah."
I thumbed the book in my hands.
"Readin'?"
Well, not likely, Val, in the dark... Oh, he was kidding me. Okay, then I said, "I thought I'd take a look but it got too dark with the porch light off and the view was eerie and it was all peaceful, compelling me to simply remain a non-active participant in...it." What had I just said?
He nodded.
"So, what's this about 'nerves'?" I asked. Time to throw the ball back into his court, as they say.
"I got the feelin' what I did was botherin' you." He had preceded that with a meaningful sigh, kinda Zel-like. "Givin' you a gift. I didn't mean to put you on the spot or nothin', Li."
What was I to say to that?
"Wanna light?" he asked, holding out his-- no, not a lighter-- small flashlight.
"Thanks." I flicked it on and flicked through the book, stopping when I found page 43. A poem, sonnet. I read it through.
Two bubbles in a crystal bowl appear,
Born separately; round the opposing rims
Each for awhile in a charmed circle swims,
And shuns the other's touch, as if in fear.
A gold-fish rising breaks the mimic mere;
A thwart tide, traversing the surface, dims
The placid water: from the distant brims
The bubbles swept together are one sphere!
They might have perished singly' might have known
Life but not love, and living separate
Have ceased imperfect, sundered mate from mate;
And thou and I have walked the world alone,
And died so, if the strong storm had not blown
That swept us hither on the tides of fate.
Val said nothing. He just let me read it. It was a lovely sonnet. So, what was the mistake he was talking about?
"So?" I asked.
Val grinned so I scanned it again, and again, then I caught it. "The author was Valentine Agares? What the...?" Back to the front of the book, I checked the publishing date. "Impossible. You weren't even born yet. You couldn't have written this."
"Right. That was the mistake in that copy. 'Valentine'—it should have read 'Valentino', my dad's name."
"Your father was the head of his clan and a poet, too! Oh...Val..."
We shared smiles and an understanding. Both of us had lost fathers when we were young; he had been about five and I had been a little older. Both of us had lost mothers later on, although mine was still alive, merely absent, I guess. To discover something of our lost loved ones was to find a treasure of immense value.
So for a time we traded the book back and forth, reading passages, sharing favorite lines, dissecting and peeling away the layers to get at the hidden tasty morsels, the real meat of each poem.
"The slumberous stillness of the summer noon, is not its drowsy quiet perfect peace?" he read.
"Makes me want to sleep, Val. How 'bout this next line?" I read on excitedly. "Ah...Night hath no hour like this in all her lease of cold calm slumber 'neath the spell-bound moon."
"Like the one tonight, huh? I guess the next part's mine," he shrugged and read, "So is the height of love a perfect rest, and stiller than all frost that ever froze the ice-bound river, or sleep of spotless snows on inaccessible mountain's footless crest, lies the all peaceful glow, the warm repose, of loving heart on heart, and breast by breast."
There was a rather uncomfortable pause, and then he chose another poem, "Well, it is a collection of love poems."
"I guess..."
The last we read went like this:
"Kisses are sweetest under covering hair,
And whispers in its woven twilight best;
As flowery boughs above the chirping nest
Make sweet and sacred all the darkened air
Wherein abide the soft-secluded pair,
And know in the warm fragrance where they rest
The small heart beating in the downy breast
Each of its mate:--a Paradise they share.
This is a longing of the human heart
After that dream, an Eden all for two,
Some lonely island 'mid the ocean's blue
Where Love may sport, and laugh, and kiss apart.
Therefore it was a moment past I drew
Thine hair about mine eyes, Eve that thou art."
Where touches and looks had not made headway, words did. My heart filled with feelings, desires, and images the like of which I had avoided for the most part all my life. This man who had been Val's father had written a series of sonnets on love which had suddenly touched my soul. It was magic.
The moon had reached its apex directly overhead. The flashlight had dimmed. The cricket serenade in two-part time 'cricky-cricky... cricky-cricky...' and 'Errrrrrrrk... Errrrrrrrrk...' had finished for the night.
"Val! It's nearly 3AM! We've been reading most the night! No wonder I'm freezing!"
"Ho... yeah? Whaddaya know?"
"Well, this was great and all, but I need my beauty sleep. Thanks for the book. Here, you should keep it though. With your dad's poems and all..."
"Naw, you keep it, Li. I wanted you ta have it. 'Night, then."
With ghostly speed he mounted his motorcycle and sped off, leaving me to ponder the eventful day and night, alone.
Whoa, I did it again—another long chapter! But, hey, first I had to finish up that Japan trip and I already gave the chapter that title so I had to tell the story about the moon, right? So...it got long. Besides, the poems took up a lotta space, which wasn't mine really. Anyway, next chapter, I'll try to move through time a little. Yeah, Lina Inverse, Time Traveler!
Authors Note: The three sonnets were by John Barlas (pseud. Evelyn Douglas) 1889; the haiku was Val's.
End -- SHJ Ten Year Reunion-- Chapter Seventeen.