–- SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –-2004-10
"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis
Chapter Nineteen: Lina, Val, and Xelloss
Warning note: This chapter may contain mild sexual situations and frank sexual discussions.
"I was shipwrecked before I got aboard."- Seneca, in Moral Essays
Hey, I'm back with this story again. Let's return to where we left off. Summer was fairly uneventful after that exciting find in the temple. You know, the usual gigs and touring and a few fun trips.
In fall, it was a return to school for me. Of note, I began serious work on the Seyruun High Jinx trilogy at this time, while Val was gone at work at his Monument place creating sculpture, as in A-R-T. Yeah, he was applying that art degree, doing what he had never done before: Giant monstrosities (that wasn't different) but with outdoorsy, natural themes constructed out of discarded car bodies found dumped at the Badlands. Real cool.
Zel was lost to medical school. Amelia was in her middle year of college and thinking of law schools. Sylphiel was caring for babies and Xelloss was...rarely a visitor of mine. Filia and I passed like those fabled 'ships in the night'; her to be with Xelloss or at her tea shop and me to be at the university.
Before I knew it, winter had passed and I was planning summer break out at the Ancient clan site again.
A little birdy with grape-juice colored eyes slipped it to me that Gourry and Sylphiel were planning to see Val and his badlands project for a couple days. Val would give them the grand tour. Not wanting to run into my friends and crowd them (read this as: have to explain myself and what I was doing out there alone with Val), I visited Luna and Julian out at their settlement. And I ran into Xelloss waiting outside Filia's house. He was going to go horseback riding with her, he said.
"You know what a horse is, don't you?" I asked.
"Yes..." he answered warily. "...an animal."
"Just checking!" I laughed aloud at his frown. "Enjoy your picnic!"
Horseback riding. Ye gods, Xelloss! What love could drive a man to do! It was just amazing... Why, he'd no sooner ride a horse by choice as drive a car or swim! Okay, he did learn to swim, but if Zel hadn't made him go, he never would have touched water.
It reminded me of some witty banter years past: "I hate water," Xelloss once whined to us all at some event. "If I didn't have to drink it occasionally, then it could all dry up and disappear from my perspective."
I think it was Zel who then replied, "You are mostly made of water and I wish you would disappear from all perspectives."
From which point on I forgot the rest of their juvenile repartee. Hey, it was a long time ago that that all happened, gimme a break here. But you get my drift; Xelloss hated swimming.
Well, he liked horses even less, being my line of reasoning. For his best bud Zel he'd take swim lessons, but for Filia he would ride a stinking, sweaty, dirty horse. For a second, it made me wonder what Xelloss would do for me, if I asked. Just how far would he still go?
"Fun? Yeah, I will, I think. Filia's packing baskets and towels for swimming," he gave a dry chuckle in acknowledgement of his own predicament.
"So...horses and swimming, too?" I nearly choked on a stifled laugh.
"Yeah," he smiled, uneasily, his grin going crooked. "Would you like to join us?"
Like he wanted me tagging along! I had my own 'guy' to paw and scrape over me now and I wouldn't have to share him. I rose above it all. I made a show of checking my watch first then replied, "No thanks. I'm...ah...I've got plans with Nahga."
Which was true.
He sounded relieved when he answered, "Oh, well, another time then."
I smiled meaningfully, "Oh, and thanks for the warning."
"You are welcome. It should be safe to travel now." He opened his eyes wider and asked, "If you ever want to discuss...things. Let me know, okay?"
I did not want to discuss anything having to do with Val with Xelloss, but it wouldn't have been polite to throw that back at him after he had helped me out. I wasn't sure what he thought was going on, and I didn't want to stoke the fires of his curiosity.
"Ah...um...yeah. Bye then!"
I waved and wished him well, then jogged up to the main entrance to give Nahga a call and maybe still catch that offered ride into the Ancient badlands with her.
"You missed Gourry and Sylphiel," Val said with a disdainful look in his eyes. He attempted to stare a hole through my head."Oh did I? Heh, heh...too bad about that. Say, so what's new?" Besides you being in a bad mood...?
Nahga must have felt the same bad vibes as I had. They were flowing over and about Val. Festooned like a friggin', be-ribboned May pole, only in angry, loud colors. She had to get away before she was tied up any longer in our problems.
"I'm meeting Zolf later," she said as she backed away. "Maybe we'll all get together later for a drink...or maybe not. Bye!"
Val nodded as she left, but his beady amber eyes never left me.
"What?" I nearly shrieked. They were practically drilling me into the wall with pent up force to spare.
"You're avoidin' me."
"What? I'm here, aren't I? How can I be...?"
"Let me put that another way," he said slowly. "You don't want nobody knowin' that you come out here with me, is that it?"
"You told Gourry that I..."
He cut me off, "No. I was gonna, but then... Maybe you got real good reasons. Or..." he took a deep breath and looked off over my head. "Or, maybe you don't think I'm good enough for ya."
Oh my gods... I stood rooted to the spot as rigid as a column of stone and about as word-challenged.
"Yeah, right," he bit off as his anger began to boil over.
I jumped as the door to the cabin slammed shut in my face. "Val?"
But it was too late. He had roared off on his motorcycle. I wilted upon the mattress and simply lay there. Val liked me. Maybe more than just that.
The next day I called a workman from the project to come pick me up. Val had not returned to the cabin the night before. I toiled over papers and plans and returned each night to the cabin, never once seeing Val. It gave me time to think. Regardless of how I felt about him (and I was not prepared to discuss that with myself) I certainly didn't want him thinking that I believed myself too 'good' for him. I hadn't been avoiding him...for that reason. I just hadn't wanted anyone to know that...that...I'd been spending so much time out here alone with him. They would have gotten all the wrong ideas, my friends would have. I would have heard no end of the 'good for you, Lina' and 'at last, Lina' kinda crap. And there was no 'thing' going on.
A workman pointed me to the temple to find Val. Yep, he was there studying a few of the documents which had been recovered concerning his clan and placed in protective, locked display cases.
"Val... It's not like what you think."
His back tensed. I could make out the muscles beneath the thin t-shirt.
"Please, come back to the cabin tonight and let's talk," I added, inching my way a bit closer.
"You wanna talk?" He turned, but kept his eyes askance, fixed upon the far distance.
"I want to and I want my friend back. It's...lonely out there, you know?"
"I'm finished here anyway. You wanna go for a ride at the new Mon-u-men-tal Mo-to-cross?"
"Yeah, super!" I smiled, "And then top it off with a make-up dinner, my treat!"
"'Kay," he smiled faintly in return. I think that shocked him!
Yeah...
"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." --Buddhist proverb
Whew...
It was a step. And for the next few days we took many steps like that just to get back to the comfortable companionship we had enjoyed in the past.Well kinda.
It was time to accept a few things about myself. Like how I was affected by him in close quarters. Okay, so the overall effect of Val was not what you'd call beautiful. Gourry was beautiful inside and breathlessly handsome on the outside. No one could beat him for all-around male attractiveness. Okay, Zel was a cute guy, but too caustic to get close to and just about like a brother, while Xelloss was beautiful to behold (and breath-taking to kiss) but he had too many facets and secret goings-on. Val on the other hand was remarkably good looking, but in an edgy way. Girls just drooled over him and he'd let them, being the kind of guy open to suggestions. Now to me, he had a strange new look. Sexy.
He wanted something, but I couldn't figure out what it was, until he kissed me in greeting one morning...
I wanted something too, and I was beginning to understand what it was. After weeks of sleeping on his mattress, side-by-side, him naked and lying against me, I was frustrated as hell. There had never been any question that Val was sexy, but me-being-me had been so all-consuming that I hadn't really thought about Val in those terms... until recently. But once I started looking at him, catching more 'glimpses' of his naked body, I found it hard to stop.
Being the clever guy he was, Val gave me some time to get used to the idea. It was unspoken but understood that the energy between us had changed, but neither of us was doing anything about it. Except getting increasingly frustrated, I guess.
The kiss that morning had said, 'Time's up!'
I had been getting dressed, sneaking looks at him in his boxers as I pulled my pants on. His body was toned and lean, but with some bulk to it, not heavy, but not skinny either. He was brown, and his arms bore faint sun-bleached hair (not green), but his chest was smooth. Very nice.
Somewhere in-between glancing at him and buttoning my jeans, Val moved swiftly across the room and caught my lips in his. It was shocking, abrupt, and the head-spinning quickly followed. If you haven't kissed Val you can't know. It was nothing like what I had expected and everything that drove me crazy. There are exaggerations all over the place about kisses that make a person stupid with desire, but this was real.
When he removed his lips from mine, I had temporarily lost the reasonable parts of my mind. Other parts of me were screaming, but not my mind.
I took an unsteady step back and found him smiling at me.
"You kiss all your friends like that?" I asked, for lack of something better to say. (As you can tell this was becoming kind of a fall back line of mine when I'd be at a loss for words; as in 'You put word here with all your friends?'.)
"Only the hot ones."
"Reality check for Val," I shook my head. "Why did you do that?"
Stupid question, yeah, but what's the right one?
"Thought it might help you make up your mind." He was still smiling, completely relaxed.
I guess I wasn't looking very intimidating all starry-eyed and all. "Geez..." I ran my hands through my hair and slumped on the edge of the mattress.
"What's up?" He sat next to me. As always, he was oozing 'calm and matter-of-fact', but his presence was doing just the opposite for me.
"I just... don't want to get into this. Especially with you. It'd mess everything up."
I heard his whispered answer, "How do you know?" as I scooted past him and toward the door.
We played 'avoidance' all day, but in a nice way. He never gave me that hurt look Gourry would have or exaggerated the incident all out of proportion like Xelloss would have. He just went about his work ignoring me for the most part. I, however, didn't do such a great job of doing the same.
I sort of knew that if I slept in Val's bed that night something was going to happen. Or maybe I just hoped it would. I usually like to tempt fate, but not actually make any moves myself. Going to bed with Val was definitely tempting fate. I didn't want to be responsible for whatever decision I made... but if it just happened...?
It was a restless night. It seemed I'd been wrong about the tempting fate thing, since Val had plunked himself on the other side of the mattress and was apparently taking the high road. Disappointment and dissatisfaction blended and built within me as the seconds ticked past, going from being pissed at myself, to being pissed at Val for kissing me, and back to being just plain frustrated.
Val's arm reached out across the mattress just after midnight and pulled me back against him. By this time I was so needy, I bit my lip to keep from making a noise when my body contacted with his warmth. This restraint wasn't determined enough that I could maintain it when his arm accidentally brushed the rise of my breasts through my t-shirt. A short gurgling sound emitted from my throat, which seemed noisy in the dark, silent house.
There was a definite and unnatural stillness from Val.
"Sorry," I whispered, mortified.
"Don't be sorry," he said softly, "I've been waiting for you to ask."
My turn for unnatural stillness. His hand moved, flattening out on my stomach. I groaned, "Gods, Val..."
I could feel my heart throbbing in my stomach.
"Do you like it?" he whispered.
I curled into him and then stretched my limbs around and through his in answer. I had needed him to help me sleep once, now my traitorous body was begging for more. He pretended not to notice and stopped his ministrations abruptly.
"Shit, don't worry 'bout it. Settle down, Li, now sleeeep..."
But I didn't want to sleep this time!
Still he held me close and made no further sexual overtures. Yep, the high road. That's where things remained.
I did manage to get a lot of writing done in the evenings. It kept my mind off...Val... and it allowed me to retain some semblance of normalcy. He certainly had no problem avoiding contact with me after that. The special closeness which he'd shared was gone.
What I didn't get was what was going on inside Val's head. Had I asked, he wouldn't have told me or even been able to understand it himself, most likely. We were suddenly back to being 'just friends'. I decided that he wasn't interested in me as a girlfriend after all and I wasn't going to push it. I swallowed my pride for the time being. It was for the best, right? Yeah, but I had this nasty empty feeling to cope with and I didn't like it one bit. I couldn't get what I thought I wanted. I was about to be consumed by self-doubt, if I wasn't careful. So, I decided that I needed to pursue someone new, that maybe Val wasn't suitable after all. Hell, he wasn't the only fish in the sea, right?
What I didn't know was that he was having his own form of second thoughts. It had all started out as a lark for two friends, but when he felt the mutual attraction becoming something more serious, he balked. What he was reacting to initially was his baser desires for sex, but what had matured inside him was a feeling for me that went deeper. And, importantly, we had had this kinda agreement not to get serious and all. So, he was scared. Kinda like me. I didn't learn this until later, had I known it at the time, I'm not sure if things would have turned out differently for us, but it would have saved me some heartache. Him, too.
When I got back home, Filia was out at her settlement with, guess who? Xelloss, naturally. I guessed they had found some way to communicate without taking turns bashing out one another's brains in the process, unless they liked that kind of thing. Some folks do, I'd heard.
The band did get together for a road trip or ten. The band was still a popular act and the gigs were a blast. Though, I gotta tell ya this, there is no money to be had in the band business. No get-rich-quick thing for ninety-nine percent of us. We made it okay because Xelloss, Val, Amelia, and Zel were damned loaded. Anyway, we had a great time doing it.
Zel was acting strangely, though—odd and withdrawn, yet nice, polite, non-combative, and especially un-aggressive. Amelia grew worried about Zel.
"He caught some awful disease in the hospital!" Amelia gasped as that possibility occurred to her one day at a band practice. "I just know it! He's not well and he swears he is. I'm so worried, but he won't open up to me."
"Who'dya mean, Zel? Oh, Amelia, I don't know. He doesn't act sick or anything. He's got too tough a hide for germs to get past."
"He's trying to hide it. Look at him. Have you ever seen him smile so much for no reason?"
She had me there.
"Or..." she sniffed back tears, "...he's..."
"Oh, for gods'sakes..."
"He's...he's...he's found someone n-new..." she began to cry.
"Who Zelgadiss? No way. He doesn't have spare time to eat, must less date."
"Y-you're right, I suppose. He does look thin...Oh, Miss Lina! He's ...d-dying!"
"Or he will be if he tries to withhold the truth from me," I grumbled. It was the end of summer and I'd had enough of her sniveling and his oddness, so I asked him about it in private.
He was shocked. He was trying to be 'the man Amelia wanted him to be', that was all!
"Oh be reasonable, Zel..."
"Be reasonable! How can I do that? I thought I was!"
Now, before one can improve the reasoning skills of others, one has to show them what reasoning is; that is, what counts as reasoning and what its point is. Without doing that, one only turns reasoning into a game for these people, a game whose point is arbitrary or unclear and whose rules or methods are external, behavioristic, contrived, and capricious. I suspect there are a number of incorrect things people are doing when they are being what they consider 'reasonable'. Some seem to think that being reasonable means merely 'having reasons'.
"I had my reasons for doing what I did," Zel assured me.
See what I mean? It doesn't matter to them that their reasons are untrue or improbable or that they may not even be relevant to their conclusion. When you point out problems with their reasons and their conclusions, they say things like "Well, I have my reasons, and you have yours."
"I wanted Amelia to see that I could be nice like anyone else, so she would see I was not the contemptible fiend she probably has called me... That I liked her for her own special qualities, not because she was convenient or... That I could treat her just like everyone else."
"Yeah, but Zel... Amelia doesn't want you to be like everyone else or for you to treat her like everyone else. She wants you to be special. To treat her special. If you want her to know that you like her, then you're going about it in a strange way."
And if you are bold enough to say something like, "But your reasons are no good! That is what I have been trying to show you!" then they dismiss you with, "But they are my reasons!"
"Well, I had my reasons..." he muttered.
Yeah, even logical Zelgadiss was a mess when he dealt with this love thing. So, you can hardly fault me for my mistakes and follies.
"You'd hardly understand what I'm going through," he sniffed crossly and fell onto a bean bag chair, slumping demonstratively. "I am having trouble staying emotionally detached anymore, and yet, staying in love is excessively hard sometimes, too."
Oh, but I did know. I ignored his drama queen antics, which he had picked up from living with Xelloss all those years. My heart had been touched and the touch had been withdrawn and although 'in love' might not have been the right term for it, I was now feeling bereft of what I had shared with Val.
I settled in beside him and snuggled closer. "Life's... tough," I commiserated and rested my head on his shoulder.
He gave me a long look, "Somehow, I think you do understand..."
Thankfully, he kept his curiosity under wraps and his mouth shut. I didn't feel like sharing and I didn't want Dr. Zel, shrink-in-the-making-- just my pal.
When fall mercifully arrived, I could pour my heart into my graduate classes. I was 2 and one half years into grad school, if you could believe it! Filia and I drove into the university together occasionally when she took the odd night class. Considering how busy she was with her shop and Xelloss, it provided us with the longest conversations we held at that time. Amelia was going to graduate at the end of the year and go to some law school, so far unknown, next year, and so was studying all the time. I really must say that Zel was inabsentia until summer began that year, just as he had said.As soon as said summer began, the band celebrated over dinner before our two week break. Gourry and Sylphiel announced that they were to have another baby. We all drank to that, and then Amelia announced that she was accepted into law school, and moving to Sairaag over summer, where she had been granted an internship with her Uncle Christopher's law firm.
My eyes slid over to Zel, seated across the table from me and over one. Obviously that had some as news to Zel. His eyes were wide and his face frozen. He had been unusually solemn all night, and now this was a reaction of shock, clearly due to Amelia's news. While everyone else was congratulating Amelia, I was wondering why she had made such a point of wounding Zel, leaving him out of her 'loop'.
He took it hard, although it seemed only I noticed. He didn't speak a word at the table, and then swept off immediately when the bill was paid. Okay, that wasn't good. The band had gigs lined up and we needed him mentally intact—happy would be even better.
I turned on Amelia first and let her have a piece of my mind, "Amelia, I don't know why you chose to take a dig specifically at Zel that way and at this time, but I think it was really uncalled for."
"But he hasn't called me in weeks... he obviously doesn't give a damn about me or what I'm doing!" she shouted tearfully.
I knew that wasn't true, having listened to him moan about her repeatedly. "I don't think you've tried very hard to speak to him."
She started to defend herself, but I waved her off and continued my tirade, "But something else has been eating away at him all night. I'm surprised that you hadn't noticed it right away. I guess you've become pretty caught up in your own affairs to care much about anybody else's!"
Okay, so I was on my own high-horse that night, but these friends of mine were just unable to communicate with one another! (Don't laugh!) I whirled away from her and stormed off looking for a ride over to Zel's. I couldn't get anyone else to stir out of their sated stupors for what seemed like hours in order to chase him down.
"Val, Gourry...somebody! Take me to Zel's place now!"
That got Val to move, barely making it past the cops as he ran an orange light (almost red.) But Zel wasn't there. Oddly enough, when I heard a buzzer, I found that it was their home phone hanging on the wall near the kitchen table. Val was outside wandering about, ostensively looking for Zelgadiss in the hot tub.
"Yeah, hello?" I answered it.
"Why, you're not Zelgadiss..."
"Got that straight."
"My apologies. I thought I was calling Mr. Greywords number."
"Ah, you got the house number right. This is Lina."
"Miss Inverse?" the voice sounded relieved, not the most common response I got. "This is Count D. How is...your friend?"
"Who, Zel? Fine...I guess, why?"
"I was concerned. After the death of such a dear companion, there is a grieving period, although the young man seemed unwilling..."
"Death? What are you talking about? Nobody's died!"
"Oh, my... well, to him, Beast was special, like family. Often dear pets are considered to be closer often than actual human members..."
"Beast! Are you telling me Zel's dog died? I just got back from a dinner party with him and the rest of the band and he didn't say a word about that. Whoa...what happened?"
The pet shop owner and all around strange person, Count D, briefly gave me the run down on the old dog's illness and demise. A quiet, painless passing of a very old dog, with the heart of a wolf.
"Ah, thanks, Count, for telling me all that. I'll give you Zel's cell phone number and you can try to catch him...wherever he is."
So, Zelgadiss took off traveling alone. Zel just took off for two weeks without telling any of us. It made me kinda mad that he didn't think he could share his feelings with the best friends he had, but then...that was Zel. I wasn't sharing a large part of my life with him or any of the others either, so I understood. However, that left it to me to tell everyone about Beast, and, man, Amelia was crushed when she found out how deeply she must have damaged Zel's already raw feelings. Maybe this would mark the undoing of their relationship. Not that I wanted that particularly, but, frankly, I could see that I needed to spend more time dealing with what was happening in my life.
Val and I worked apart at the badlands, meeting for an occasional meal and tense nights back at the cabin. Half the time we stayed over at the spa, where the creature comforts were better and where we were each afforded more privacy. It was a two week period of time I'd rather forget now, since it mars my other memories of fun out there.I don't recall when the Slayers all got back together that summer. It was probably for a string of gigs, and then as soon as it had started, it was over; the summer, I meant, but also my 'almost a thing' with Val...
I went out a few times with admirers from the university and a couple fans, but I found the fan-date-events to be lame in the extreme. They rarely had the money to spend on a decent dinner and 'fixing something at my place' always meant (I came to learn) 'in bed.' The school chums were okay, but they didn't understand that I didn't want to sing for them or tell Slayers stories. I couldn't get close to anyone. If I was such a 'catch', why was I striking out all the time? Why were all the guys I met such losers? Well, maybe not losers exactly, but no one compared to Val, and I hated to admit that he had been a failure of mine, because now I missed him so much I couldn't get past it.
'Come on love, come on in... come on, let my life begin!'
Xelloss' little tunes and songs rattled about in my mind at the least opportune times, but they were often apropos to the situation.
Fall...that year...I have nearly no recollections...Oh, yeah, that fall. Okay. Zel was in for his last year of medical school and I was working on my doctoral thesis and my story, which I had started the year before. Val, Nahga, and I met weekly to go over the last details for their 'pre-opener'. We had agreed that the Monument, Temple, and a portion of the spa and its town would be fully functional by spring, but that a few shake-down events would help train the staff and test the operation plans. We decided to invite everybody and their families out after the Solstice events that winter. We, or they...Val and Nahga, would throw a big party over that first weekend featuring a trail-breaking, spa-alapaloosa! Together we drew up the guest list and supply list to accommodate a crowd.I reminded Nahga that, "My involvement is a secret and not to be disclosed for any reason."
"I don't get it. Why? You've worked your butt off out there. It's something to be proud of, Lina. My gods...you're not ashamed of doing good are ya?"
"It's nothing like that..."
"Oh, I get it. Val doesn't want to acknowledge..."
"It's got nothing to do with Val! No one needs to know how much time I spent out there. Just keep my name out of it. Okay!"
With an elaborate shrug, she said, "I see. It's all got to do with Val. You're afraid your little friends will think that you and him been sleeping together but that you couldn't keep him interested in you long enough to..."
Val, who had been on the phone and out of the room, chose now to reenter and come within earshot.
"Shuddup you little snake!" I shouted. "You don't know anything about what's been or not been going on so just shut your mouth up about it!"
"Snake? You call me a snake, you little pooch! Yapping and snapping at my ankles like an annoying little bitch I'd like to kick..."
"Problem?" Val wanted to know.
"NO!" both Nahga and I shouted loud enough to make him step backwards.
"Shit! I don't need this. My work's done for the day." He stalked off to his Suburban.
Nahga, unable to let it go, ran after him. "I get it now, Val! It's you who doesn't want the other guys know that you're the one to get stuck with Little Lina Spells Trouble. Hey, I don't blame ya for tryin' to cover that up! Ha, ha, ha, hoooooooo..."
He must have said something to her 'cause she shut up, but he didn't deny what she'd said. Could that actually have been the truth? Did he consider himself 'stuck' with having to play 'caretaker boyfriend' with me while the other guys I'd rejected got to build real relationships? That idea was disconcerting, no, staggering, to say the least! He hadn't really been falling for me after all. He had been taking care of me, distracting me. Talk about a cold slap in the face! But then, after all, that's what I had kept saying I wanted, right? No commitment, nothing steady, just a pal for fun. But that wasn't how it was; things were changing, weren't they? Well, at least for me. I thought they were.
My heart cracked.
Just a little. But before my sorrows could start leaking out all over and making a mess of things, I staunched my feelings with a loaf of bread and pound of cheese. But what I needed was a trauma center! Who could I turn to? Then it occurred to me: I had no one I could tell. It was a humbling experience, I gotta say. The musical was about six years in the past and I was questioning my goals in life big time.
Invitations were sent out and that winter break, between gigs and various Solstice activities, Val and Nahga hosted the Limited Invitational Ancient Clan Monument Park Grand Opening. We relaxed and got healthy at Nahga's spa and toured Val's monument to his lost family and clan. Zelgadiss and Amelia hadn't been out to see it in process and so were both truly amazed, in spite of the sad fact that they seemed strained around one another. Gourry and Sylphiel had made that recent trip out there and should have been prepared for what they saw but still, they were stunned by the place nonetheless. Xelloss and Filia enjoyed every minute together. It was gratifying to know I had been a part of it all, and irksome that I was unable to bask in the glory of my achievement without revealing my involvement-- although, at the time, I was beginning to take issue with that resolve.
The last day, Val pulled me away from the breakfast table to take a walk. I could tell he had something on his mind. His face was clouded over, but he only grunted responses to my inquiries. When we reached his room, he opened the door and gestured for me to enter his masculine and richly decorated suite. I moved to stand by the window, where I could admire the majestic view of the mountains and the soft gray-beiges of the winter landscape. As wonderful as the accommodations were, however, I was missing the warmth of our humble, cabin abode.
"So, what's up?" I asked. Might as well get it over with.
He blew me away with his answer.
"Summer was shit. So was fall and winter's gettin' worse. I'm goin' away."
I agreed about the summer, but, "Huh?"
He snorted, "Yeah, well, you know how ta get in touch with me." He pulled out his cell phone, and then returned it to his pocket.
Going away? What did he mean by that? The meaning of his words only then sinking in. "Find you? Where are you going?"
"Thought I'd do some traveling to think things over."
"Things?"
"Life things, Li. Personal stuff."
"I'd go too, but there's school..."
"Yeah, sure. Maybe I'll find myself."
But I was more worried that he might find someone else. I saw this as my chance to get back something I was certain to lose if I said nothing.
"Spring break. Maybe between band stuff we can do something together, okay?" I suggested.
"Yer not worried 'bout what the other's would think?"
"What other's? Oh, the band. Heh, heh, well, we don't haveta tell them, right?"
He shook his head an expression of bitterness marring his mouth, "That's how it is. Yeah, well, I need some workin' room too, ya know? Li...I...gotta be goin'."
And he left immediately without another word to me. Why hadn't I just told him that I liked him? Maybe it was love, I didn't know, but I could have said that too. Why? Why was it so hard for me? Why was I allowing what OTHERS might think cloud my decisions? Why was I so dumb?
Well, to be truthful, I was scared. Scared that it all might be just superficial, scared of his rejection, scared of dropping all my defenses.
And I just really plain hated scared. I had always been able to take care of myself, but damn if it wasn't getting more complicated growing up.
In spring, Zel announced his plans to take his medical residency in Sairaag. Then right after that or before, I forget which, he called to tell me that he had just successfully delivered Duran, Gourry's second child. I told him I was exceedingly proud of him, and I was, but I think that freaked him out.Around that same time, Val called (from parts unknown) to inform me that a tree had fallen on 'our' cabin during the last winter's storm, totally destroying it. He didn't figure he'd rebuild it, unless...
I just said something detached like, "Oh...well whatever. The places over at the spa are more comfortable, that's for sure."
But I missed the point; I didn't understand. He wanted me to say that the cabin mattered to me because of the good times we'd shared there, and then he would take care of everything and rebuild it. The memories. He really was a soft hearted man deep inside. No wonder he put up that rough punk exterior to protect it! But I didn't get that at the time. Not until after the call was over and I realized that I had no idea how to contact him unless he answered his cell phone—which he didn't for weeks.
So, we left it at that.
Xelloss became a more frequent visitor, meeting me on campus, and then taking me out to dinner or to dance or just to stroll through a park. I guessed he had gotten tired of waiting for me to be the one to approach and talk to him. He was feigning light-hearted at our meetings about as well as I; two troubled spirits dancing around their problems. I wanted to know if his interest in Filia was waning, but I was afraid to ask. (Afraid to know that it wasn't?) I knew that Filia was concerned about what might become of them if he was unable to join her clan, ever. She was thinking that he might turn despondent when he really came to terms of not having a 'normal' family with kids...and all. So, was he losing interest in Filia? He was an easy man to get to like, that was for sure.
My sister had once warned me about what a 'hunk' Xelloss would turn into. At the time, he was an effeminate, irritant with great hair, terrific drumming prowess, and some gods-awful problems, so I didn't see it. Well, Xelloss had finally grown into his strong, debonair personality. That I noticed him in that light now wasn't so very odd. I was parched from neglect. I sopped up all his attention like a thirsty sponge.
By the time summer came, we had a few gigs to work out after our break. I talked to Amelia about a few of the band things, but it was clear to me that she had more on her mind than the band. She was hoping that she would be able to repair her friendship with Zelgadiss. She still loved him, she thought, but they had had so little time together during the previous year. I wished her luck, shored up her self-esteem a bit, gave her a kick-start in the right direction, you might say. I helped her lots, although I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I wasn't having much luck with my love-life. It might have helped me to share what I was going through with my closest friend (or Filia for that matter) who was suffering too, but I couldn't. I didn't want to appear weak and vulnerable.At the same time, Val as distant as ever. I knew he was seeing another lady out at one of the adjoining Cephied settlements, since I wasn't around, and I didn't like the feeling it gave me. He never called to ask me out to the desert over the break, like he had previously.
Okay, so I made the decision that I had been mulling over my problems long enough. Time to pull myself together! I would go do what I wanted, concentrate on having fun, and continue my work with the folks out at the preserve, in that order. No more pessimism for me! And, without Val to distract me, I could do just that. I hitched a ride out with Zolf and Nahga, with anticipation and optimism in my heart...but I didn't run into Val at any time during my stay.
However, summer would be fine. Just fine.
In fact, the summer was so boring and everyone was so detached, that I was impatient for the fall to start and raring to go when it did.
"Sex is the one thing you cannot really swindle; and it is the cause of the worst swindling of all, emotional swindling."—D.H.Lawence
Which brings me to the next part of my story...
Joey stopped by my house one evening to remind me on that he was graduating from high school at the end of the year. I suggested that he apply to Seyruun University, which he did. He had impressive grades and excellent test scores. I had no doubt he would be admitted. It was a nice visit. He was an exceedingly handsome guy, a lady-killer Gourry told me, and not always a very nice one using his Slayers act to score chicks. Considering that no one else was giving me the time of day, I thought he was sweet and told him to stop by anytime, which he didn't.
I aced my orals and finished my thesis paper. I was now Doctor Lina Inverse...not the medical kind, as Zel reminded me every time I mentioned my new title. Then, to my supreme delight and exultation, I was called into the Humanities Department chairman's office and told that I was being considered for the only available teaching job, if I was interested. Was I ever!
The first person I called was Zel, then Xelloss, and then...I called Val to share my good news.
"That's great, Li. Wanna celebrate someplace?"
I was astounded by how quickly my brain went from zero to sixty, "Yeah, just you and me, right? Can it be this new place that opened up at the edge of town? A fish place with all-you-can-eat shrimp!"
I was delighted when I heard his rough-sounding chuckle, "Yeah, sure, Doc-tar Li. Whatever suits yer pleasure."
I gave him a time and place to meet me at the university and hung up, my heart pounding hard enough to crack crab legs...er...my ribs.
Now, prior to all this, I had decided to celebrate with a trip out to Zephillia to see my aunt. The great grape pressing would be in full swing with lots of fun to distract me. Trouble was, I didn't want to go alone. What I needed was a gorgeous man to grace my presence. Gourry and Zel, I knew, had their hands full. Xelloss was uncertain of his timetable, but he 'would try and stop in if he had the chance.' Yeah, well, he wasn't my first choice anyway. Who I really wanted to invite was Val, but I had been afraid to ask.
So, after that tentative phone call to Val, I pounded out an e-mail. That way, he could think about it first and have time to think up a good excuse not to be able to come, you know, so he could opt out of going with me gracefully, if he wanted. I was that insecure. Me, Lina Inverse...no... me, Doctor Lina Inverse Uncertainty Supreme!
I was schmoozing with a gang of writer friends in the late afternoon on the last day of classes, waiting for Val to show. He had to at least show up, didn't he? At least for the dinner!
I felt my stomach tightening with worry as every second ticked by. Then, I heard someone clear his throat and faint undercurrent of unease ripple through the crowd. My eyes swept the environs warily and locked on Val off to my blindside.
"Hey!" I called out and greeted him with a pleasant smile. Why not? He was damned good-looking, but also off-putting from the standpoint of my nerdier groupies. Relief was surely evident in my expression, as I added lightly, "Just the man I was thinking about. Got a minute?"
"Sure," he nodded, blew out a puff of smoke, and waited for me to head his way to a more private setting. Smoking indicated nerves on his part which could be good, or bad.
"I got yer e-mail, 'bout Zephillia, 'bout staying there." Val spoke in a low voice without looking at me, while I watched him steadily. "I don't know...it's not what I thought I might be doin'."
I sighed, waiting until Val's eyes were on me to answer, "I told you that I was flexible about plans." Gods, he has plans with another girl...
"Yeah, I know but...I dunno, I just...I'm uncomfortable, I guess, and I didn't think I would be." Val watched as a couple passed by, then slipped further into the empty classroom.
I nodded once. "Yeah, well. We can just go out to dinner, see how it goes then...maybe... stay...longer, eh?" I knew I sounded as needy as Xelloss had countless times to me, and for a split second, I felt a special kinship with him.
Val closed his eyes, "What would yer aunt say?"
My aunt? "Oh, her. She said she'd be too busy to notice me for the next few weeks, what with the work at the winery and all."
Val shrugged.
"What's she supposed to say? I mean, she doesn't really care what I'm up to anymore. She's got her own problems with the grape crush and considers me an adult now." And what has that got to do with your decision to come anyway?—I wanted to ask but didn't.
Val didn't seem to hear me, so I tapped his shoulder, "Don't do that, Val."
Val frowned but his eyes were back on my face, "What?"
"Tune me out." I was not good at playing disinterested, not as good as Val.
Val snorted, "Not hardly. I just don't wanna piss you off, yanno? And I don't know... about bein' atcher place. I don't feel right 'round yer aunt. I mean, I don't want her to get the wrong idea."
"Yeah," I said as I studied my friend. "What's the problem, exactly, anyway?"
"I dunno, just...feels funny sometimes. I can't explain it. Maybe it wouldn't be so weird if I hadn't met her before, if she didn't know me. Just, yanno..." Then it was as if a shroud lifted from his face and he lightened up, "Listen, what if I stayed at your place for dinner and maybe one night, see how that works? I'd probably be in your way," Val winked at me, "Or more likely you'd be in my way."
I chuckled, "Yeah, maybe. And maybe we don't need to play those games. Who knows, we might discover something important that we've known all along. The sooner the better." I threw all caution to the wind.
Val tossed his cigarette down and leaned back against the wall, looking directly at me, "So...what about I spend tonight over there and we find out?"
I nodded, "Fine, not a problem. If you want to wait until after this writer's workshop meeting. We can swing by your old place and you can pick up some stuff."
Val grinned, "Hey, maybe you should bring a date to yer meetin'?"
I laughed, "Who, you?"
"I am a college gra-du-ate." Val pretended to look offended, "You could do a lot worse."
I raised an eyebrow, "Somehow I don't think Professor Podbat is ready to meet a smartass with a dozen holes in his face, even if he is a hotshot musician and a college gra-du-ate."
"Seven, its seven, not twelve," Val corrected.
"Whatever. I don't think you'd be her idea of a good influence on her star protégé. She seems pretty much a fan of the clean-cut upstanding citizen thing," I said.
I didn't want to offend him now, and I could see that what I'd been saying could be taken as a refusal to be seen in his company in public, so I added hastily, "Which means, it's time she had a rude awaking, right?"
I was rewarded with an evil smile, "Yeah, I didn't think you'd let someone else do yer thinkin' for you. Let's go."
And that's how Val ended up staying out at my aunt's place with me for all two weeks of fall break. And that's why, when Xelloss unpredictably and miraculously showed up, things were strained at first. I remembered inviting him the moment he popped in, but I had totally pushed it aside until that moment.
"Hello!" Xelloss smiled and waved. His smiled faltered a moment later.
"What the f are you doin' here?" Val was pissed. He nearly scorched Xelloss to toast with his blazing gaze.
"Lina invited me," Xelloss looked askance at me for support.
"That's right," I broke in, hoping to settle things before a fight started. "Just to keep me company, right Xelloss? But, I thought you couldn't make it."
"I wasn't sure if I could, but I finished up sooner than anticipated..."
"You invited him, before me?" Val's hurt feelings combined with his resentment of Xelloss' momentous appearance, creating a combustible fury of great magnitude, which flared proportionately to incorporate me in his swath of wrath.
"Val, you got that wrong," I began. (But not too wrong...)
About this time, Xelloss figured out what was going on. He was always pretty adept at reading other people's emotions and experienced in the ways of love, not to mention he had roomed with Val for some years.
A grin spread across Xelloss' face. "You two are a couple," Xelloss said, "...aren't you?"
"No," Val began.
"Yes," I said. "He and I well...it's been going on awhile..."
"Mostly off," Val growled.
"--Until recently," I amended.
Xelloss placed a hand on Val's shoulder, transferring a kind of supernatural calm over Val's countenance. Val deflated instantly.
"You have my admiration and my sympathies," Xelloss smiled and winked.
Bristling at his suggestion that I wasn't a cherished participant here, I put in, "What's that supposed to mean?"
Val interposed, "He don't mean nothin', just forget it, and so will I. Xel can have dinner with us and I bet you can find a place for him to sleep tonight-- in another part of the house, right?"
"You're sleeping together?" Xelloss asked Val in wonder.
"It's not like you think!" I said.
"I was thinking, eyes closed...mind dreaming...restful sleep. Oh, I see...you thought I was assuming that you guys were having sex!" Xelloss giggled jubilantly. "Oh, no, no, no, no, no...I never would suggest a thing like that. Not of you, Lina dearest."
My eyes narrowed defensively, "And why not? What's wrong with me?"
"You? Nothing, nothing at all. I just know that you're not into that kind of activity, let's just say."
"Let's...just say you've said enough," Val stepped in.
Xelloss raised his hands to ward us both off, like he put up a shield, and stepped back. "Hey, I just wasn't expecting this. I won't tell! Your secret is good with me, whatever it is! You know that! If asked, I'll just say I ran into Lina, stayed the night in another room, and left. Okay?"
And that was what happened in Zephillia. With Xelloss, anyway. We all had a really good time together that evening and the next day too, visiting the different wineries and tasting. Xelloss knew when his welcome was wearing thin, though, and left soon after that, leaving Val and me one more night to ourselves.
Now this next part gets a bit personal so if you don't like to read lime-rated material, just skip past the two and one half pages or so...We had managed to collect a couple glasses and a bottle of wine before winding our way down the hallway toward our rooms. Val stopped outside his and pushed the door open with a toe. "Comin'?"
I followed slowly, then finding a chair covered in his discarded clothes from yesterday, fell into it and waited for what was to come.
"Wanna come to bed...here with me...tonight?" he asked in a soft, low voice. He placed the bottle and glasses on one end of a low dresser.
I felt a rush of excitement as I looked him over, as if for the first time. He wore metal in his lip, ear, nose and both eyebrows. His tight black tee shirt had I'm only wearing black until they come up with something darker' lettered in white across his pectorals. I realized that I was attached to the most enticing guy I'd ever seen in my life. Now tell me, Zel (wherever you are with that Jedi-mind-reading trick of yours,) what are the mathematic odds of that?-- I wondered, still too astonished to speak.
That arresting face was turned toward me, full lips currently pouting, skin kissed by the sun, sizzling, golden eyes smudged with gray eye shadow and lined in black like an Egyptian pharaoh (his latest affectation.) Tousled mint-green hair, just long enough to cover his eyebrows in places and lick against the edges of his broad shoulders and hands perched now on slim hips as he glared at me.
"Well? I asked you a fking question," he repeated.
I searched for a dictionary, thesaurus, any handy lexicon, suddenly unable to identify my own native language as I just continued to stare dumbly.
Val hesitated, and then frowned. "This is my bedroom," he went on in a calmer voice.
"Oh?" I said. Brilliant, just brilliant. Now think of something else moronic to say.
But sadly what came out was"Um?" Oh, great, let me die now, please, dear gods!
No, it was my turn to be teased by the gods. And somehow, Val was fully cognizant of my imparity. Apparently he was even amused by it. He began smiling at me for some reason and leaned back against the edge of the dresser, his thighs spreading deliciously apart as he relaxed and continued to watch me a little uncertainly, as if he were trying to match my words to my mood or to my face. The guy's golden eyes were tantalizing, an intense mesmerizing shade like something you'd find in a roiling cauldron of chicken soup. I watched him as his expression slowly altered to a wicked smile that revealed relatively white, straight teeth. Damn, damn, damn. I was falling under a spell.
"You didn't answer me," he observed, eyes twinkling.
"Huh?" Oh, just bury me now. I coughed and sat up a little, unable to hide my deepening blush as I noticed the effect (of what he was considering doing with me) on his body. A sharp image of Xelloss naked came to mind. I shoved it away, angered that he would intrude at such an important time. It did help me find my speech center in my brain, however.
"Um...okay. I can do that, sure. What the hey, ya know? Might as well give it a go, say what? Heh, heh..." I blustered in a rush of words. I felt my face warm with a new flush of embarrassment. Geez...
Val just laughed and walked lazily towards the chair I was still half sprawled in. He leaned down with a hand on either armrest and kissed me full on the lips, a slow leisurely kiss with just enough tongue action to shut back down whatever parts of my brain had managed to come online after the visual assault. He pulled back to survey the damage he'd wrought, searching my heated face and then smiled again.
"I sure like the tongue stud, ahh..." I gasped in clever turn of wit after my previous witlessness. I had tried to put it in a low voice just this side of downright sultry.
He stood and walked to the bed, then turned. My eyes followed him like iron filings on a magnet.
"Name's Val Agares," the idiot said with a wink and stretched to yank off his t-shirt. "You seem to have trouble rememberin' that."
Yeah, sure, funny dude... My eyes dropped to that chest, then lower as he began to unzip his jeans. I laughed at myself, sitting up in the chair and shaking my head. Next thing you know I'll get that Cepheid-clan-type religion.
"Want me to turn out the light?" he asked.
I nodded. As much as I wanted to continue watching him, I was sure I'd make a run for the door in about twenty seconds unless the lights dimmed.
Val stood slowly, hand lingering on his belt buckle as he did, then walked to the switch at the door and flicked it off, leaving only the light from the bathroom to illuminate the room. He returned to the bed this time and stood silently for some minutes while I watched.
"Li?" Val voice sounded loud in the quiet of the room.
"Hmm?" I said without turning.
"You coming to bed?" His voice was soft.
He unloosened his belt and dropped his pants. I heard the soft rumpling of fabric as it hit the floor.
I sighed, "In a minute."
"Okay," Val sighed and stretched out under the covers.
It was just so much easier to talk in bed and I'd been looking forward to curling up next to him and having a conversation. That's how I knew I needed his friendship badly. Did I want to jeopardize it for a sexual encounter? What if I separated the two? He could be my friend and... we could fool around. Just keep the 'love you forever' tripe out of it. Yeah. Yeah, that was it. That's the kind of thing he'd understand. Could I do that? Val certainly seemed able to handle dispassionate affairs with other girls in the past, could he now with me? Was that what I wanted, though? I was confused. Val's presence was, as always, reassuring. He radiated a kind of casual authority and certainty. Val's face was impassive as he returned my gaze from across the darkened room.
I walked to the bed. I could hear Val's even breathing in the dimly lit room. I shrugged out of my shirt, added it to the floor pile, and looked down at Val's tousled head on the pillow.
"Nice..." he purred.
With that encouragement, I hooked my fingers in the waistband of my sweatpants, slid them down and off. As I folded them and put them on top of the t-shirt, Val's breathing grew louder and quicker. Wearing only underpants, I pulled up the edge of the covers and climbed into the bed carefully, trying not to jiggle Val. What was I afraid he'd do, bite? Fall apart? Who knows?
Val's body stirred beside me, "Mmm...Li?"
I could see his eyes glitter slightly in the moonlight. "Yeah?" I said nervously.
"You must be tired, babe. Want a backrub?" His smile was concealed in the darkness.
"Umm..." Somehow 'no' just wasn't coming out of my mouth.
Val chuckled and pushed himself up on his elbows. "That sounded suspiciously like a 'yes'."
I laughed quietly, "Yeah, well, I wouldn't mind a backrub, I guess."
"Not one of mine," Val corrected, rising up to kneel beside me. He patted my shoulder. "Be a good girl and roll over."
I laughed nervously again and followed the command, rolling over and putting my cheek down against the pillow. Val straddled my back, placed his hands on my neck and began kneading the tight muscles, digging his thumbs in to loosen the tension there. Man, that felt good. I moaned softly, it felt so good after the long day and Val's hands were strong.
I murmured into the pillow, "You should be a professional masseur; you have real talent in those fingers."
He worked his way down my spine, digging in and relaxing each muscle group in turn, then shook his head saying, "Nope. It's just for people I care about, my talent can't be bought."
"Mmm, just as well," I agreed against the pillow as he hit a particularly tight section in my lower back.
As I relaxed, I became more physically aware of the weight of Val's body on mine and I felt myself grow warm. He reached down to surreptitiously adjust 'things'. Friendship with Val, especially accompanied by this kind of proximity, was going to make my resolution to damp down my heart more difficult, I knew, but I had no intention of changing our relationship itself. Just my own emotional reaction to it. I could do this. It wasn't his fault that I was having difficulty, so why penalize him with some kind of dramatic scene or hysterical demand to alter our friendship? I just had to...gain control of myself.
I had that quick vision of Mr. Spock in the Vulcan desert. Detached. In control. Ah...but hadn't Spock failed that training in stoicism? Damn. I pushed that nagging thought away and concentrated on letting Val's hands soothe the stress in my body. Val's friendship wasn't something I wanted to jeopardize with jealous demands of fidelity. I really could do this. Val hit an especially sensitive spot and I groaned appreciatively. Val slid his hands a tiny bit further down and kneaded just above my butt.
"Mmmm...Val?" I muttered.
"Like that?" His hands stroked and massaged a little lower yet.
"Mmm-hmm. Don't stop...well...except..."
"It's dark, babe, but I can tell you're blushin'. You're lightin' up the room."
The pillow muffled my embarrassed laughter. "Yeah, well..." I murmured, stretching my legs apart to get more comfortable.
Val paused and then gently lay down across my back, nuzzling the back of my neck and murmuring, "Feeling better yet?"
I snickered. Then Val nipped my earlobe and I gasped at the unexpected rush of blood and feeling. The heat of Val's body touched mine from head to toe and I could feel his hardness against my thigh. He pushed down my underwear with his hand, and then used his foot to toss them off the bed. He groaned again, needy, and ground into me, "Li...na..."
And I simply gave in to it all. Gave in to both our impulses.
I should have drunk half that bottle of wine to deaden the occasion even more, maybe, because after it was over, I was disappointed. It hadn't felt great at all; it even hurt. Even into the next day, my back ached. I knew there had to be more to sex or no one would ever go through that again. Okay, so Val claimed he'd never had a 'first timer' before and may have been a little rough. I brushed him off, telling him not to dwell on it and I'd be fine and forget it and hoped he would.
Like that would happen.
When I got home, I immediately searched the internet for help. There had to be a thousand guides and helpful hints to having good sex; I only needed one. I read maybe ten and learned loads. Next time, use lubricant, touch him, take time... I had been too afraid. Afraid? Of what, some pain? What really was terrifying me, I didn't want to deal with. I took that thought, suppressed it, compressed it into a ball and crammed it into a little pocket of my subconscious labeled 'Later, baby!' The rest of what I learned, I stored it all away in my head like a training manual. I'd make a success of sex yet, if I ever had another chance.
Val was really disturbed too. He wanted more from me, that emotional link, but was certain I would never willingly give in. He wanted a new chapter in our book, but the themes were already in place. He felt bad because, while I was sticking to my character, my plotline in the story, his were changing. He had fought the notion of us being a devoted couple before, and had had to run away to avoid being reminded of how much he wanted the impossible.
I didn't know all that, of course, just like he didn't know how I was suffering in my own state of confusion. I was trying to fit in an outdated character description of my own making, and it was uncomfortable. I no longer wanted the same old 'just be friends' plotline, and was unsure how to alter it. Was it too far in the story to change things now? Didn't know, but I wasn't ready to start turning over the proverbial new leaf just yet. So, we kept to the same old storyline, twisted the ever-changing characters into their fixed forms, and forged ahead.
I visited him at his old place, the house he had once shared with Zel, Xelloss, and for a short time, even Gourry. It beat being alone in my place when Filia was with Xelloss so much. It beat being alone, period. We tip-toed around the 'do you love me?' issue and just enjoyed the feeling of togetherness. Um, and sex, too. We got better at doing that as well. The best part was the hot tub, but I sure as hell am not going to go into that now. Just use your imagination and you'll get the idea.
Problem was, well there were two problems actually. First, how deep did his feelings for me go, and how much longer could I deny how much he meant to me? I wasn't ready to risk everything with some big stupid admission when things weren't so bad as they were. The other problem hit hard and fast, like a sneaky curve ball.
"I just want to be normally insane." –Marlon Brando
Enter the chaos-kid to mess with everything. EVERYTHING! As if my life wasn't complicated enough at the moment! Don't get me wrong, I really like...well, okay, love Xelloss—then and now. I mean, in another universe out there I'm sure there's a Lina who falls in love with and marries her Xelloss. But that is there and this is here and in this, my universe, with this Lina, her being me, and this Xelloss, the two were just not quite in sync, if you get my meaning. It's like we were really meant to work together to change the world, but love other people to change ourselves. Or something philosophical like that. Of course, that's not what I was thinking at the time; that was a conclusion arrived at after many years of reflection. So, back to the story...
Xelloss insinuated himself back into my life unrepentantly—twice. I think he started to mentally fall apart and used me to break his free-fall into insanity. The first time came after a call out of the blue from my old friend Tasuki (of singing Suzaku Seven notoriety). He desperately wanted to contact Xelloss. Nuriko was in critical condition at Atlas City Peace Health Hospital. He had been protecting Miaka from some rogue fans, when things turned ugly and a guy pulled a knife out and stabbed Nuriko in the back. By the time the other band members pulled him off, Nuriko was gushing blood.
"He was still alive, but..." Tasuki was too choked up to continue.
I promised to get Xelloss there ASAP and hung up. First I called Dr. Zel and left him a message, just in case he could help. Then I tried Xelloss. I had better luck, probably because my caller ID was more attractive to him than Tasuki's. Xelloss told me to meet him at the Seyruun airport in one hour and he'd take me to the hospital via helicopter, faster than ASAP.
Nuriko died surrounded by his closest friends. He had held on until Xelloss made it, smiled faintly, then sighed. Xelloss was beside himself with grief. He vowed to kill the man who had done this and I swear, he would have torn the man apart had he been able to reach him. Luckily for him, the assailant was locked in jail awaiting trial, and so safe from Xelloss' vengeance.
Nuriko's family wanted an immediate cremation and burial with a brief private ceremony. Xelloss, being a priest, was allowed to say a few words. I was allowed to attend under the pretense of being his wife. It was awful. Freezing rain, nasty wind, grim people, horrid, horrid, violent and unnecessary death! First Hokuto then Nuriko. Such a waste...
After that, Xelloss was terribly shaken. I called a cab to take us to a hotel, got us a room, and helped him out of his shoes and coat.
He stood and stared out a crack in the curtains, watching the rain. I rinsed out my mouth, stripped and climbed into the king-sized bed. And waited. I didn't expect to sleep. The last thing I remember seeing was Xelloss gazing out the window through the parted curtain. How long he stood there I had no idea. I may have felt the mattress move or not. Time must have passed but if you know how it is when you sleep lightly, it seems as if you never slept at all. I was aware of the body of a man at my side. Something about a man, the heat they generate, the scent, whatever. It was soothing. I became aware of his breathing, coming in spasms and jerks; Xelloss was crying.
I had to do something, so I turned and whispered, "Come here."
"Oh, Lina..." he wrapped me in his sadness.
There we lay for sometime. Not too long. I drew his face down to match mine and kissed him. He reacted with immediate passion. As if by kissing me he could reanimate his dead friend. It sure kindled the fires in me, and I reacted in kind. Kissing Xelloss is like no other man, no comparison. His gentleness and softness has no match. We lay like that for the longest time, just kissing. Then I touched his bare skin and he sighed, "Please?"
I helped him remove my clothing and let him love me. It was a form of healing for us both. Repressed passions were unleashed and we poured our hearts and souls into expressing our needs and desires. It was unreal in all aspects. He loved me thoroughly and completely and I loved him in return. It was a mutual breakdown.
And when we were spent and had no more energy to put into another lovemaking session, we lay enwrapped in each other's arms and slept. Not long, because our minds were not at rest. Our bodies were exhausted; they had given up their energies, but not our minds. We had to talk.
"I do love you, Lina."
"I know, and I love you too, but..."
His low chuckle cut me off. "But... Why is there always a 'but'? A 'however'? A 'still'... an 'and yet'... an 'on the other hand...'? Always a clause ..."
He sighed and rolled onto his back. "I love you, but... I'm in love with Filia. You love me, but... you're in love with Val. I'm in love with Filia and she's in love with me, but I can't join her clan. She loves me, but she needs to be a part of her clan. We want to marry and have a family, but that can only happen...outside the clan and that would tear up her family and Filia..."
He turned his face away before turning back to say, 'You are in love with Val and he loves you, but you both can't see that in loving one another you don't lose yourself, you gain everything you need to find your true self. You love Val, but can't tell him for fear of his cheating then rejection. He loves you but is terrified of your denial and eventual dismissal. You both don't want to show weakness and need but you are weakening yourselves out of need for love. You are afraid of failure and so you fail, but..."
I held him tight enough to shut him up. He knew me too well and I didn't want to hear his truths. Xelloss understood love that was for sure. We had reached an understanding finally. WE were not meant to be together, but how were we to combat the forces driving us apart from our 'true' loves? And how were we to fight this...insurmountable force which seemed to inexorably propel us together on this collision path?
We parted company the next day, Xelloss dropping me at the airport to get my car.
"Take care," he said with a brotherly kiss to my nose.
"You too," I said. I truly wished him well.
The next unexpected visit came shortly thereafter. Xelloss just showed up at my house, professing love in the most artificial tone of voice. Articulating carefully practiced lines, repeating them from rote.
"Lina be mine...I've always wanted you...I know you love me. Tell me you feel the way you did back in Zephillia..."
I figured Xelloss had finally cracked and gone nuts. Nuriko's tragic death had sent him off the deep end. He was confusing Atlas City with Zephillia. Yes, that's when Filia walked in and saw him kiss me with more passion than necessary. She, admittedly with good reason, was mad...furious even and broke off with him right then and there. Mentally, anyway.
I started yelling and lashing out at him, "Why did you do a damned stupid thing like that? Pulling a stunt like that and ruining everything!"
He was tearing up. His eyes were full of feelings he couldn't verbalize. He looked like a man about to lose his contact with reality, which he had pretty much. I can't recall what I he said to me, it wasn't much and it made no sense, except for the last part. He drew me into one last hug and whispered into my ear so that only I could hear what he had to say, "Go to Val. Tell him. Do it now. Do not waste another second of your life... Let love fill your life. And...please...forgive me."
Then he left the house. He left behind a miserable, heartbroken girlfriend, his own wretched, bleeding heart, and the un-knowing tool he used to sever them, which was me, standing in the front room of my house wondering how love could make so many people so very, very unhappy.
End -- SHJ Ten Year Reunion-- Chapter Nineteen.