SEYRUUN HIGH JINX -- 10 year Reunion Story –-2004-10
"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." – C. S. Lewis
Chapter Twenty: The Joey Thing
Warning note: This chapter does contain multiple sexual situations and frank sexual discussions.
"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret."- Ambrose Bierce
... Sigh...
...Sigh...
So, like Zel told ya, I called him the minute I could to tell him about Xelloss and Filia's breakup, which didn't get any sort of movement out of him. I know he got my word about the death of Nuriko, too, even though he didn't return my call or leave me a message. Yeah, he was on rounds and too busy. We all got that.
I deleted Filia's e-mail, where she told me that she was quitting the band, thinking that she was simply over-reacting. She'd get over the break up. Xelloss would come clean and explain it was an insane plea for help or something. I couldn't quite believe this all was happening to me at the time, until some clan dude dropped by the house to pack and remove her belongings. I thought the place was empty before when she and Xelloss were tooting around most the time or she was working, but now it was just me knocking about a very big, hollow home.
I tried calling Xelloss to rationalize what happened with him. Yeah, who was the crazy one now? He would only respond in monosyllables.
"You have to go see Filia and fix this all up, Xelloss. The band will fall apart!"
"Oh, no, I can't do that."
"Oh yes you can, and you will. You have an apology to make and some explaining to do. If you just want to break off with Filia, then do it. But don't make me a part of it. Don't make it a band issue, got that?"
"Yes."
"Then you'll go see her and fix everything, right?"
"No...I can't..."
Ad nausium. You get the point. Xelloss was being impossible. I wondered if we needed to talk about what had happened in Atlas City, in view of more recent events. Gods, how I hated to open that can of worms...
"Xelloss, about Atlas City..."
But then he turned to me, smiled, wearing a serene and pleasant mask if I ever saw one, and then asked, "What might you mean, Lina? He is dead and buried. What more is there to say?"
Yeah, Nuriko, huh, along with 'Xelloss in Love.' Nice euphemism, Xelloss. "Right," I snapped off. I had plenty to chew over now.
And if that wasn't bad enough, Xelloss became worthless in the band. I'd yell and scream and practically have a tantrum during a practice (Well, actually I did have one or two and drove Val and Amelia out of the room.) and still he'd just be half a person.
Finally one day, Xelloss just up and walked out of the practice room, dropping his drumsticks lackadaisically on the way.
Val infuriated me as well. He could have lent a hand, so to speak, on that particular day, but instead he pushed the blame on me...ME!
"Get off his back, will ya?" Val growled.
"He's messing up and it's his fault!" I insisted. "He's not even trying."
Val stepped closer, crossing his arms and frowning, "Tryin' ta do what? What do you expect him to do, huh? So, he tries to get it on with ya, his girlfriend walks in and sees it. Sure she'd be pissed. Sure she'd break up with him. Whaddya expect? You shouldn't be teasin' him like that... like you do."
"Teasing him? Teasing HIM! What are you implying?" My hands fisted up ready to take my fight to the physical level, need be.
Gourry recognized a scraptastic fight about to come to blows when he heard one. "Guys, they need to talk. How 'bout we go see what ya got cookin' in in yer kitchen, eh Amelia?"
"I ain't im-ply-in' anythin'. I know you two ...screwed up..and I don't mean that as in a mistake," he gave me a deadly stare full of only-just, leashed-in hostility.
"You know, you could be right about that, Gourry-dear. I could use something... water... anything... in another part of the grounds," Sylphiel agreed. "Amelia? What do you say?"
What? How could Val have known about Atlas city? My blush surely must have given away my guilt.
"I'm sure there's something we can eat... something to avoid... Zelgadiss, you're coming too, aren't you?" Amelia hinted for him to leave the two people with major issues alone.
Val passed a deadly glare Zel's way.
"Fine," Zel said with a hasty lockup of his guitar case. He was curious as all get-out to know what we were talking about, but could tell when Val meant business and needed privacy.
Then Val turned his golden-eyed ire on me, full force, and said, choosing his words carefully, "He didn't mean to tell me. I was pushing him for some answers—why he'd go and hurt Fil that way...using you to get at her. Then he started cryin' 'bout his dojo friend and how he wished it was him that had died and how he should have been there to watch his back...crazy stuff like that. I think he forgot who he was talkin' to and said more than he wanted. He didn't mention you by name, but I ain't dumb. I figured the rest out on my own."
Val didn't tell me that Xelloss had revealed to Val about how much I loved him, him being Val. Val just let it all hang out there to see what I would do. I of course did the only thing I knew how to do, I blew up!
"You're telling me I can't sleep with who I want to now? You! You, who can't go a week without finding new fan to lay! Like you're some standard of faithfulness! And besides, I was comforting him and he was in a mess and I wasn't too happy either and things just happened. We talked about it and decided that it was nice but not the start of anything important. A one time thing, not that that's any business of yours! I don't even know why I'm telling you any of this! It's not like we are...are...something special. I don't have to defend my actions to nobody! Nobody, I tell you!" I moved a step closer to punch his face in.
If only I'd kept my head and spoken from my heart. I could have told Val that Xelloss had helped me understand how my feelings were evolving. That, as strongly as I felt for Xelloss, it was time to admit that what I was going through was the growth of a new kind of love in my heart. That I was falling in love with Val.
He grabbed hold of both my wrists and met my furious eyes with his own. We remained poised like that a second or two, no one budging an inch, then Val set his jaw and narrowed his eyes.
"Don'tcha ever hit me, Li," he muttered between gritted teeth.
So, here was my chance, right? Time to pour out my innermost secrets and bare my soul. Right. Instead, I messed up astonishingly. I drove my fingernails into his hands.
"If that's how you want it, then fk you," Val spat, and pushed me away so hard, I banged my head into the wall behind me.
He left the practice after that. And although he continued to practice and come to gigs, he distanced himself from me. Val was no longer a part of my ever-shrinking social life.
...Sigh...
It was winter when Zel told me Xelloss had had a nervous breakdown and made me tell him about stuff. I couldn't bring myself to mention the Atlas City thing. I knew that had nothing to do with what was ailing Xelloss. He wasn't depressed over me, he was adrift over losing Filia. What I couldn't get was why he just didn't fix things up? Zel did help focus my thoughts more productively and together we came up with a plan to help Xelloss...not right then, but later. I was not in the mood to go hunt down and wrestle my sister for clan facts. I let Zel do that, if he could. She outweighed him by 40 pounds and several degrees of macho, I guessed
The notification that my Seyruun High Jinx story was accepted for publication barely mattered, all of a sudden. I went through the motions, signed the papers agreeing to publicize it when the time came to put the book out on sale. The hardest part was to get their consent for me choose the art for my book. I wanted a photo shoot of one of Val's sculptures for the front cover and Zel's black and white line drawings of the whole gang to be inserted and evenly distributed between the chapters. Someone must have done the pushing, because it wasn't me and an agreement with the publishers was made in my favor.
I had to get both Val and Zel to approve the rights to their art for the production. Now, Zel was no problem. He was too busy to care. He had Amelia look over the paperwork and he signed. Done deal.
Val. Well, I had to take him out to dinner and be kind, thoughtful, and appreciative of his company. And I was. He signed. I missed him so much it nearly drove me to say things that I should have, but didn't. We were at a juncture in our friendship. It could go either way: make up and deepen, or part ways. So we entered limbo. You know that inter-dimensional world where nothing changes fast, things just linger in a stasis just this side of 'in control'. Not a good place, but not so bad either. I blamed Xelloss, which was less painful than blaming myself. Besides, it was he who told Val about Atlas City, stirred things up, and sent my life spiraling out of my control...into chaos. Always chaos...
At the end of the school term was Joey's high school graduation party. Gourry and Sylphiel put it together. Their biggest concern was that Xelloss would not be allowed to come, and Joey had always admired him and wanted him present particularly. Zel summoned his own unique brand of cosmic energy and 'made it so', and Xelloss was set free for a day. Gods...Xelloss looked waif-like; his skin had a translucent quality making him appear definitely otherworldly that afternoon. Zel insisted that the man was fine, but I could tell that Xelloss was on the other side of real.
Sometime near the end of the party, came the 'discussion over the punch bowl' incident. Amelia misunderstood what Val had said to Xelloss, which appeared to make Xelloss disappear on us that way and escape our world. Val did not drive Xelloss off. Val was not mad or hurt or jealous or anything. He was concerned for Filia's welfare and her relationship with Xelloss. What Val recommended was for Xelloss to leave Seyruun and its environs, and go deal with the Volphied clan people.
"You," Val told him, "should be able to get a membership with them"-- a refreshing idea the rest of us hadn't come up with.
He also suggested strongly that Xelloss extricate himself from the syndicate completely in order to accomplish that and to legitimize his application for membership into a clan. Oh yeah, and he added that it would be beneficial to avoid contacting Filia, 'give Fil some space for awhile to think'. Ah, and I think he probably put in a word or two asking that Xelloss leave me alone in the future.
Val was warming up to me again, you see, not that I was aware of it though. After his temper had cooled off, he found his ardor hadn't. What I also didn't know was that he was being very watchful of Joey's behavior toward me. I had no idea how possessive a creature Val could be, and how hard he fought not to be...for my sake. I did want him to talk to me. Okay, well, more to hold me and kiss me again, but I didn't know how to break the ice.
The party ended as Zel already wrote. Xelloss snuck off to Spain or someplace. Meaning that by the time summer break arrived, Xelloss was gone from the band, Filia was gone from the band, Joey was Xelloss' replacement (except for the songs, I wouldn't give anyone those), and Nahga or Martina irregularly replaced Filia's role in the band. Oh yeah, the Slayers band met their gig obligations, but we were unable to do any recording. At all.
On the up side, I received a letter from my department head at the university. I had been rewarded a full professorship and, get this, a teaching job with only two weeks to prepare! I was far too busy organizing material for my class and I really missed the contribution of Xelloss and Filia, so I put the band on quietus. Then on top of all that, I was notified that my story was a book somewhere in the printing process. Someone had okayed the pre-production copies (With a law-office smell, it had to have been Amelia); someone had collected wonderfully written short compositions from each of the Slayers for a forward (a touch poetic so I figured Val was to blame.) Even a dedication had been written: To my band, my friends forever. A distinctly Zelgadiss touch. I would have done that, but someone (Zel again) had read my mind and done it all for me. Normally I would have been furious that someone had over-reached their bounds, but honestly, at the time I was relieved not to have had to make the decisions, and he knew it instinctively. Or someone else did and made him do it (most likely Gourry.)
...Sigh...
Fall came much too soon this time.
...Sigh...
When the Seyruun High Jinx Trilogy was published, we had a book signing party, which was widely publicized (Thanks, Xelloss, wherever and however you made that happen because even though you never admitted to doing it, I know you did because there was a hint of lavender on my personal invitation), and, so, caused fan-havoc supreme. Kids were waiting in lines for hours just to get one of our (the Slayers') signatures, mine in particular, of course.
One girl was particularly fidgety. She hated the wait, I could tell. She reminded me of myself a few years ago, waiting in those endless lines for college-related material. I kept my eye on her to see what she would come up with to move up the line faster than normal, because if I was right, and I usually still was about things like that, then she'd try something pretty quick. I noticed her whisper to the guy in front of her in line. He shook his head, but let her move ahead of him. She continued this and jumped to the front in no time flat.
"I boughta book and I want your name emblazoned across the whole thing. You are my hero and if I knew ya better, my mentor, but I don't so I just gotta leave it at hero. Yeah, you can sign that 'To Sammy, from Lina, your hero!" That she reeled off in a single breath.
I winked at Sammy. "You bet!" I scribbled away for a few minutes then handed her back her book.
She gave me a big grin, lingered long enough to read what I had written, and then said, "Cooooool!" and bounced away.
"There goes a brazen fan. What did you write?" Amelia asked at my elbow.
"Oh, what she asked, but I also told her how I admired her cheek. I once pulled a 'gotta pee bad' stunt like hers to get to the front of the line too. It worked for me. She must have confidence and daring to spare. She'll need it too," I added wistfully, then made a grab for the next book.
"Next! Hi!"
...Sigh...
The first day of teaching my first university composition class and who should be sitting front and center? Yep, I had Joey Gabriev in my class. It was kinda nice to have a friendly face greet me that day. After that, we frequently road to and from school together. Joey, he became a friend for me to talk to. There was a brief moment in time when I was taller than him and he was out of diapers; maybe when I was 9 or 10. Not long, but it did happen. A day or two later, he grew and I didn't. We played soccer in his backyard, even before Gourry and I were friends. He had been a cute, smart kid and had recently passed through that trying, gangly, teenage-boy stage, to develop into an intelligent, gorgeous hunk of a guy. We talked lots. About everything.
"You don't know problems, Joey. You got girls drooling all over you 'cause yer so cute and in a great band. What more could a sharp, good-looking guy like you want, eh?" I asked on the drive from college to our street.
Like me for gods'sakes!—I sucked in my own drool. I was suddenly overcome with the incredible urge to lean over and kiss those delicious lips of his. I was trying to fight it, to forget it, but it was just sooo strong. I attempted to rationalize it all out in my mind. I tried to pretend that Mr. Tall-Blonde-and Talented here was just reminding me of some other guy I once fancied. But it didn't work. I wanted him, I couldn't stop wanting him. I couldn't stop staring, I couldn't stop thinking, and I couldn't stop wishing I was someone else, ANYONE else. I wanted to hold his slender body against mine, so fragile and smooth, and feel the beating of his heart as his body heat mixed with mine. Gods, I wanted him so bad I could TASTE it. But then I remembered who I was and who he was...and it dawned on me that these feelings were just a waste of my time.
Joey looked me right in the eye, his baby blues piercing straight through to my soul, causing me to get extremely uncomfortable. Geez he was hot! He seemed to get more attractive by the second, and he was actually turning me on. The mental images of him and me together got worse, and I pictured us kissing, rolling around on the bed, moaning softly and touching each other as we indulged in our young hunger. Was I glad this lust-thing hadn't struck me before I got my doctorate, or worse, in high school! I never would have been able to concentrate and get any work done. Once again, I sympathized with all my friends so encumbered and still able to survive...
"You think that just because people think I'm cute that I don't have any problems?" he ran his long, fingers through his straight pale hair, pushing the jaw-length bangs to the side.
"You've got your whole life laid out for you, Joey. People will line up and worship the ground you walk on. Even though folks look at me in that way (but currently, not the one I want to,) I'm not approachable or something. You don't know what it's like to feel this alone, to not have anybody love... the real you (meaning: not to have the one you want to love you, love you.) Do you know what it's like to have nothing but heartbreak to look forward to in the future?"
"Do you know what it's like to break those hearts, Lina? Do you think I get a kick out of it? You tell me I don't know what it's like being lonely, well you have no idea. Do you know what it's like to have people stare at me all the time, to be on display everywhere I go? 'There's that cute Joey in the Slayers band!"
"People pass me notes, telling me they love me and want to be with me. I can't have one good friend without them suddenly saying they love me and can't live without me. And then when you try to tell them you just want to be friends, it's like they hate you for not feeling the same way. I lose my friends because they say they can't bare being around me if it's gonna be friends only. Some girls just throw themselves at me and I feel guilty because I don't like them that way. Guys get jealous and decide to hate me for no reason. Then they say they don't want me hanging around them because they're all afraid I'm gonna steal their girlfriends or something. Yeah, believe me, I know what loneliness is all about."
But not the heartbreak...
I harnessed my yearnings for him, realizing that it was mostly just misdirected. I was thankful Xelloss was far away. Joey was still a boy, but Xelloss was a very appealing man. And what he knew about sex was...impressive. I chuckled to myself, remembering a conversation a long time ago. Back when the band first played in the Zephillia wine festival. He had said, in jest, 'Now I've found something I can do well, and that I like doing!'
Thinking about it now, maybe he hadn't been joking. He should teach lessons in sex and loving. But, back to the story...
What I really wanted was not so easily had. I was craving, hungering, starving for Val's attention again. But...I was so stupid. Why didn't I just call and make a date, and then walk up to him and say, 'Val, lets ...'? Let us what? Was it only a physical thing with Val, or more? I couldn't decide and so I did nothing. I repeat. I was so stupid, just like what I accused all my friends of being at one time or the other.
Then Val ran into me after my class was over. He must have been lingering outside the room, waiting for me to finish my lecture. Joey brushed past him with a knowing smile, which Val didn't return.
"Val! How...really great it is to see you," I gushed like a schoolgirl. I am sure that all the kids exiting the room were snickering at us. It was no secret that he and I were in the famous Slayers band together.
"This all yours, huh?" Val asked, his eyes darting about the room's interior (looking for hidden competitors for my affections?)
"Yeah, it's goin' okay, too, I think."
"You'll do it right," he assured me. "Thought I'd stop in..."
"Do you have time for a ... coffee or something?"
"Yeah," he smiled slightly. "Especially the something."
The suggestive way he said that made my heart thump. I blushed. But at that moment, I knew this wasn't just some crazy feeling or jittery sensation. I was in love. Totally in love. Don't ask me how I knew, I just did. It felt so right. I was falling for his charms and his good looks and making him the object of my desires. I couldn't help it; he just had this exciting aura around him that seeped out of his every pour. He was beyond appealing, he was just sooo sexy and...if only I had the words to tell him. If only I could be with him in the most intimate ways. My heart hurt, my head hurt, I didn't know what to do.
"I haven't had nothin' to eat yet, so let's make it a pizza place, 'kay?" he clarified.
Oh...that kind of something... My blush deepened as I understood how I had mistaken his tone for a come-on. Geez...
Later on he confessed that it had been purposeful. He was testing the water to see if it was con-du-cive, as in favorable. I guess that my blush had given him the right signal; that is, that I was interested.
...Sigh...
The next two weeks of school were a harsh combination of pleasure and pain. A billion emotions ran through me every day. Trying to be a close friend, but not too close. Trying to make him happy but not too happy. Showing him I cared, but not how MUCH I cared. I played tug of war with my feelings, and on some occasions I thought that maybe I was getting better.
But then Val would brush his hair out of his eyes, or throw an arm around my shoulder, or his leg would brush mine under the table, and I'd be in love all over again. I couldn't stop it; it just grew and grew until I literally had to ignore him to keep from hugging and kissing him right in the middle of the coffee shop. I found my eyes glazing over when he talked, watching his lips form every word, and I'd remember how much he hated that 'clingy, demanding' thing. So I would try to concentrate harder and pay attention, but it would be less than a minute before I was in dreamland again. He was soooo dreamy. He just had one of those faces I never got tired of looking at. Yes, Doctor Inverse was a basket case.
My heart went out to him every minute of the day, and it hurt me so much to hold it back from him. But I knew he didn't want to hear it, so I locked it away deep inside where hopefully he would never find it. He didn't want a committed relationship and that was that. If I said how I felt, I would chase him away for real. But it was like the Tell Tale Heart, because the longer I lived with it, the more paranoid I got. It was like he could see it in my eyes, hear it in my voice, and I began to withdraw from him little by little to try and get some control over it all. But the more I pulled back, the harder he tried to get closer to me, and it was just too much for me to handle.
But while Val and I continued seeing one another, just little things like lunch or coffee, public situations, I also was doing similar things with Joey. Although he didn't mention it to me, Val was not happy with the 'Joey thing' as Gourry called it. No one was. I thought Joey might have a crush on me. He once had when we were much younger, Gourry's mom had divulged, mostly to get me to dump him gently, I supposed. Well, I guess he still did since Gourry was getting...uncomfortable... with me picking his brother up and bringing him home each day and...going places and being seen with him.
"He's just a kid, Lina," Gourry would say.
Well, I had news for everybody: Joey weren't no kid no more!
Then one day 'things came to a head'. Val drove over to 'see' Joey at his house and have an exchange of words with him. He didn't know I was there. I was in the bathroom at the time, but when I heard Val's familiar, distinctive voice, I snuck around the corner and eves' dropped. I could see Val was standing close to Joey, nearly nose to nose. He didn't look so imposing next to Joey anymore, now that the kid was just-turned nineteen and looking...well...manly.
"You datin' Lina?"
Joey shrugged, "Sort of. Mainly Katie...and Charlene, I think."
Val coughed on his cigarette. "But, Lina, right?"
Joey nodded, "Yeah, it was her idea, really. You know Lina, when she wants something..."
It was Val's turn to blush. Joey looked on as if fascinated, as the tough punk and band keyboardist, colored deeper while we both watched.
"Yeah, I know," Val admitted, dropping his eyes.
Wow, Joey intimidated Val!
Joey straightened some, but said nothing. He watched Val regain control of blood vessels; his face fading back to the sun-washed tan he'd worn before. Joey touched Val's arm lightly.
Val looked up.
"So...you and Lina...?" Joey asked.
Val flushed and Joey held up a hand, trying not to smile.
"Friends, I mean just friends, still," Joey clarified. "So, it's okay if I wanna invite her over to stay here...some night?"
Huh! Where was this kid getting' off asking Val for permission to...what...sleep with me? I nearly growled aloud.
"Leave her alone. Stay out of my way and... just leave Lina alone!" Val roared.
Not this again!
Tell me if you've heard this part before.
My part: "Who are you to tell him to leave me alone, huh? If I wanna be left alone, I'll do the telling. Get that!"
"Oh yeah, I got that. Now you get this," and Val launched into a tirade on why an 'inexperienced woman of a certain age' should stay a Val's-arm-length away from young gigolos. Not in those words precisely.
"The hell..." I began.
"Okay, well Li. Just do what you want, what you want, with whatever fing dude you want. 'S'not my business. I got me my own entertainment." Val brushed an arm quickly across his face, muttering, "I can't deal with this any longer!" and then stormed out.
...Sigh...
"It looks wrong and it sounds wrong, but its right." -- Ralph Vaughan William, on a passage from his 4th symphony
...Sigh...
A few days later, Joey lingered after class, waiting for everyone else to leave. I was standing, my back to the door, gazing out the window, as I frequently did. I think I was always looking for an escape route, or for a place to flee to whenever I was closeted in a room for long. When I heard him steal closer, I turned my head. He drew the pack of gum out of his pocket, held it out, and then pulled it back just as I reached for it.
"What?" I asked.
"Is it true? Do you really like Val?" Joey asked, critiquing my expression, I suppose.
I sighed, "For gods'sakes, Joey, give it a rest."
"It wouldn't kill you to like somebody, Lina," Joey said seriously. "Somebody else," he emphasized.
I looked away. That was uncalled for. "Just gimme the gum."
Joey handed the pack over and watched me extract a piece, tear off the paper, and pop one into my mouth. I held the box out but Joey shook his head.
"Keep it. We still getting together tonight...as planned?"
Joey looked me over. I felt like my batteries were running low. Where had all my spark gone to? I had looked better, no question. What I needed was a diversion, a distraction or two. The poetry workshop thing sounded like a good one, setting up the new creative writing circle sounded like another. There was always the band reunion party to get working on, of course, if you could call that a distraction. Spending the night tonight was sounding better all the time. Maybe we could rent a movie. Something hilarious and insane. Marx brothers or Fight Club, maybe. Something I would know by heart.
I turned my eyes back to the view out the window. I continued to examine the ducks that waddled back and forth alongside the pond at the other end of the building. Crud, I thought, determined to reengage myself in the world.
"Yeah, sure. Later."
"Okay, see you later," Joey said, moving to go. "I'll pick you up about six for dinner and...plan to stay overnight, okay?"
I nodded absently, not looking.
"Zel gave me his old sports car, remember? Like he promised. We'll go for a little drive, if you want."
I may have nodded.
Joey sighed and left the building.
"Um, Doctor Inverse?"
I whirled around to see the most beautiful girl, the kind all the boys loved the instant they saw—tall, slim, curvy, and impossibly perfect. "What do you want?"
She must have known I instantly hated her. She smiled and handed me a note, at which point I recognized her to be one of my students. Damn. Had to be politely professional now...
"I'm a big fan of the band's," she said in a feathery-soft, lispy voice (something more to hate). "Um, Val's my favorite. Would you give that to him, please?"
The big watery eyes worked on the boys, but... "Sure, whatever."
"Thank you, professor. You are so cool!" she gushed and pranced away.
"Yeah, right."
I was left there holding this letter that was probably more than a love note in my hand; it was the end...of everything. No doubt, once Val found out that he got a note from the hottest girl on campus, and a big fan, he'd follow his standard routine and abandon me. And yet, it wouldn't make sense for me NOT to give it to him. I mean, maybe this was it, my freedom. Maybe I could pass it along and leave him behind knowing that he'd be happy. I could do that, I mean, what was I waiting for? I could never tell him how I felt, and I could never give as much of myself as I wanted to; he'd never want to relinquish his freedom for...me. So what was the big deal? I might as well set him free and detach myself from the whole fantasy before I ruined everything.
Just repair our friendship, I sighed. And it hurt me to think of letting him go, but it was time I faced facts and realized that we just weren't meant to be. I was just wasting my time, and his.
I closed the door and sat at the desk, and even though it was against my better judgment, I read the note. I had to look.
It was quite thick, the folded pages, several pages spouting the most eloquent words professing her love. It was just beautiful. It's funny how a strange girl could so easily sum up every feeling I've ever had for Val in one letter. I couldn't have written it better myself. If I could have written such a thing myself, I couldn't have done a better job. It was everything... it said everything I wanted to say to him myself.
Gods...I was handing him his next conquest and she was perfect. And down at the bottom it was signed 'The one you've been waiting for'. Kind of a cocky ending if you asked me, but I was sure he would fall for it. I mean she was the one ALL guys were waiting for, and since she didn't put her real name, I figured this meant that I'd be forced to pass on further notes and gauge reactions from my... friend. Play the middle man until it was risk free for the both of them, until they got together. Sigh, be strong Lina, this is what you want, right?
I was nervous, jealous, depressed, but I said I would deliver the note and I would. I wanted to toss the note out, but she was a student of mine. I said I'd do it and now I had to. But when? Next practice?
...Sigh...
I made it through dinner, then back to his house. At which point I had decided to let Joey seduce me, if he could. What the hey, right? There was nothing happening in my life worth saving myself for. Joey must not have felt my vibes, though. Joey kept going, as though he had waited his whole life to give this speech, to let it all out to someone who would listen for a change.
"I start to wonder if every friend I ever had was ever a friend at all. I look at people and try to have a meaningful conversation, and I see their eyes glaze over, and I know that they're not listening. Most people could care less what I have to say. They either hate my guts or are completely obsessed with me and I get tired of it. Half of them are usually too scared to talk to me, the other half just expect some sick sexual favor from me the second we meet. I'm tired of having older guys watch me in the mall, I'm tired of getting embarrassing compliments in front of everybody, I'm tired of losing friends because of how I look. I have feelings too you know. You were the first person who ever listened closely enough to me to get me."
"I was?" I said, actually starting to giggle a little
Joey saw me laughing and moved closer, making me even more nervous than I already was. "You see? You LISTEN to me. You're not just pawing me or staring at me like everybody else. That's why I like you so much, because for the first time in my life I've found somebody that makes me feel like I matter."
I was trying to smile for him, but his words made me feel sick. He saw me as such a good friend, as such a big difference from everyone else he had ever known...and here I was falling for him with every word he spoke. Why did I have to be like this? Why couldn't I turn it off? Here was this awesome, wonderful boy, pouring his heart and soul into me, and all I could do was think of how miraculous it would be to kiss him. It would help me forget Val...
He got down on his knees and came over to where I was sitting on the couch, and he held my hands in his.
"I'm REALLY happy to have you Lina. You're so special to me. It's strange, but I've never felt so close to anybody before in my life. I really like you, okay?"
That's when it happened, my thoughts turned from confusing and innocent, to sexual. I hadn't wanted at first to get past an image of a sweet kiss, but looking down at his blue eyes slightly hidden behind strands of white-blond hair, I pictured his beautiful nude lithe body on top of mine, glistening with a thin sheen of sweat. He was so unlike Val.
He was holding my hand...my hand! He was staring into my eyes without saying a word, and I thought to myself, all I would have to do is lean forward. Just a few inches. I started to wonder whether our entire friendship, everything that had been built between us, would be worth that one sweet kiss. Just a simple kiss, with lips so tender and soft...how could he hate someone who wanted him so much. Maybe he would understand, maybe he wouldn't mind.
We continued to look at each other and for a quick second I could have sworn I saw a spark of something in his eyes, a familiar shine that let me know he understood. I had been so head over heels in lust so suddenly, I didn't know what to do. I thought of how smooth and soft his hands were (not calloused from workouts, roughened by hard work, scarred by accident, or by cruelty), and I thought about how he must be an EXCELLENT kisser. I wanted to act, to say something, do something, I was right at the door all I had to do was open it.
"Bet you want to know what I'm thinking?" he smiled furtively.
I nodded, You bet right. That was his sign to me...
"Well...it's a secret!" he chuckled, no giggled, just like you-know-who from whom he'd picked up the stupid, annoying habit. The effect was like slamming that theoretical door in my face.
I blinked away the image of Xelloss' face. This was my 'sign'? Instantly, my senses got the better of me, my reason returned, and I pulled away from him.
"Thanks Joey. You're...you're a good friend. You can count on me."
We both stood up, and shared an awkward moment before he stuttered, "Sure...good friends."
Then there was a total mood shift. As if we changed dimensions or something.
"Look...um... So, I can see your mind is...not on us, or me at any rate this evening," Joey said.
"It'sssssss... my fault," I exhaled slowly as I said it, admitting it out loud.
"Okay," he said slowly, not certain what 'the what'was, but he figured he was smart enough to figure it out after he knew the, "How?"
I sank onto the couch again, with him leaning on the arm. "I invented him into something in my head. Something he wasn't interested in being."
Joey nodded, knowing that I was talking about Val now. "Didn't he tell you he loved you?"
"Did he?" I sighed, squeezing my eyes tight, admiring the red glow behind my eyelids. "I guess he did. Not in those words, but in his own subtle ways. He wants me to hang with, but he doesn't want a constant thing, a dependent, a steady, one single-choice girlfriend. He wants me to be faithful to him, but not the other way around. He needs to remain unattached. I know, I used to want that too, now...I'm not so sure anymore what it is I want. Look at him; you can see what he's like. You know—double standard."
I said all this, unsure if it was really true or not. As it was, I was part right and much wrong about Val. I opened an eye and rolled it around to look at Joey.
"Okay, maybe," he shrugged, squinting at a loose hangnail. "But I'm not crazy about Val. And I'm a little like him too."
I snorted at his conceit.
"I've had people fall in love with me, Lina. It's not great on the other end either. You know, they love you, but you feel...not nothing, but not that."
"I never told him I loved him!" I raised my voice defensively. "I'm not really sure I do...exactly...I mean..." Oh what's the use?
I sighed and continued, "But he's that way because he's scared. You're not scared," I put that out hoping I had figured them both correctly.
He laughed, "I get scared, okay? I get scared that I'm gonna do to someone what Val's done to you. I'm careful, but when someone wants to be closer to you, they'll show you whatever cool front they can."
"Why is it such a big deal? Why don't you want more, Joey?"
"It's just not my thing. I don't believe in monogamy in general."
"Right, but do you believe in love?"
"I love a lot of people. But not like you mean. I don't agree with it. It
makes you crazy."
Got that straight, but... "Sometimes it's good."
"Yeah, not often enough for me, Lina. And I never felt it like you do."
"If I do, ya mean." I thought about it a moment then asked him, "Really?"
"Hmm?"
"You never liked anyone?"
"Yeah, liked... not loved... thought they were hot... but not in love."
"Never?" I sat up, raising myself onto my knees, staring at him.
"No, never."
"What do you do? When... if- if someone truly fell in love with the real you?"
"Say sorry."
He slid down onto the floor, and leaned his head up against the edge of the couch, his arms resting on his drawn-up knees. "Break it off. Stop ...ah...sleeping with them...sex, ya know. But what I do has nothing to do with you and Val. Like I said, I don't want a relationship in general. Val's got other stuff going on."
"I just wanna stop thinking about him," I sighed. "I'm so tired. It almost makes me sick now."
"Relax. Think about something else."
"Relaxing makes it worse. Sometimes if I can sleep it's okay."
"You finding it hard to sleep?"
"I don't really sleep..." I didn't want to tell him I only slept when I hugged a Val plushie from a crazy puppet maker who lived in a tower—that was an age ago that my friends and I went there. I felt lame enough about keeping a Val plushie to sleep with, without telling perfect, indestructible Joey.
"Is it being alone in the house? You can crash here, you know that."
I shrugged, "Don't wanna bug you."
"You don't bug me," he tugged my hand and whispered, "Stay if you want."
"Will you tell me to leave if I start to get on your nerves?"
"Sure," he grinned. "If you say so..."
I hadn't had much experience with parental authorities, but from what I knew about the Gabrievs, they usually weren't big on having friends over all the time, eating their food, lying all over their house, blah blah. Especially girl-type friends of the boys...and especially me. I was used to taking care of myself, and didn't want to start relying on them too much, making a pain of myself. I mean, I wasn't a little kid anymore. I was supposed to be an adult and able to get past the low points of my life, right?
Reading my mind, or at least guessing at my hesitancy, he said, "They're all gone for the weekend. They took Alfie and Charlie and are visiting my sisters in Atlas City. So, we got the place to ourselves."
"Okay."
"Okay...yeah, I'll be in my room, should you need anything." Then Joey paused for a second before giving me a hug, his arms folding lovingly around my neck. It was one of those hugs that lasted a bit longer than necessary, and it felt like he was shaking. Then he backed up, looking for some kind of reaction from me, and when he didn't see one, he turned around to walk out. I felt like shit.
I slept in Gourry's old room, not with Joey, so you can get that picture out of your heads right now. But really, I hadn't actually been sleeping at all. I slipped out of bed, picked up my clothes from the floor by the bed, and started dragging them wearily over my body as I awkwardly headed for the door. I stopped briefly to pull my sneakers on by the front door, and then I stepped quietly out onto the front porch and pulled the door shut behind me.
The cool, damp air felt good against my skin. Goose bumps prickled up my arms. I wandered aimlessly out onto the road, staring up at the writhing fingers of fog. I started walking down the road, my head tilted back, breathing cold air into my throat, getting dizzy as I watched the sky crawl past. I didn't have much idea of where I wanted to go. It felt good to be out.
My feet scraped rhythmically across the cement for blocks. A pleasant thudding assaulted my knees as I walked down slight hill, still looking at the sky. There were few streetlights, but the moon glow was bright enough.
Lethargy was gradually seeping into my limbs. I walked to the place I once spent most of my waking hours trying to avoid: the old Seyruun High School. I sat on a bench out the front for a while, head still tilted back, breathing slowly, deeply. I felt a surreal calm.
Sitting made my neck ache, and I had to bend my head forward eventually, with a wince and a sharp intake of breath. I massaged it, keeping my head bent forward, but lifting my eyes to look around for the first time. I noticed the bell tower glowing in the moist haze, and thought about Zel and Xelloss.
How did that tune go that Xelloss was always humming? "Something new's... got old; something warm's... grown cold..."
There was no future for me with Joey. It was as if Xelloss was with me (again), telling me something... Like he was watching me and trying to tell me, no... steer me onto a different path. But that wasn't possible, was it? Xelloss wasn't even in town. He wasn't on the same continent. I didn't even know if he was on our planet, mentally speaking. So, maybe if I closed my eyes and kept walking, then, when I opened them next, I would find my own true love—like at that shrine in Japan.
I sang his song softly, but it changed as I repeated the verse to: "Something old...is... grow-ing warm; something cold's...becom-ing new..."
Which led my thoughts back to Val. Back to Val... Thanks, Xelloss...I get it now.
Shivering some, I set out walking again to get my blood moving. For an hour or more. When I focused on my surroundings, I realized that I was quite close to Val's house. I knew it, of course, but seeing it jolted me. Two blocks, I thought. Walk to the end of the street, turn left, walk two blocks. White house. Gum tree in the front yard. I stood restlessly, shifting my feet in that direction.
I'll just look.
My fingers worked at my neck as I walked, this time watching the trees along the street determinedly. I counted. I knew how many before his. My legs weakened as I moved closer, trying to recall what day of the week it was, that Zel might be there. But he wasn't home, was he? The house seemed empty.
Maybe Val was at a girlfriend's. There were no lights on. There was no car in the drive; he wasn't likely to be home.
The gravel in the drive crunched under my feet, loudly. I winced at the noise, dropped my hand from my neck, slowed down. I'm just looking, I thought.
I pushed open the unlocked wrought-iron gate and went around back. His back porch was made of tile and shale slabs, hard and quiet. I crept up the steps, and across towards the back door, feeling slightly detached from my actions. I didn't really know what I wanted, or why I was there. My body was humming with nerves and tiredness and cold; my eyes were dry and wide. My fingers slid over the wooden doorframe, and I rested my forehead against it. I wanted in. I wanted to lie on the couch where I last held Val naked. My other hand lifted and pulled the screen door open, resting against the wooden main door. I pressed it, my arm trembling. Of course, it didn't open. I was pressing a locked door.
My arm jerked back compulsively and the screen door snapped shut, hard. I jumped backwards looking around. I had been certain that no one was home.
Suddenly, I was certain they were.
My heart was beating erratically, when... Val appeared out of the mist. He called out softly, "Li? What are you doin' out here so late...?"
He had been in the hot tub, but now he greeted me with a towel wrapped casually around his waist and steam rising off his overheated body; quite a sight for my sleep-deprived eyes. He moved closer, right up beside me so that I could feel his warmth penetrate my frosted exterior. He rested his nose lightly against my cheek. It burned and I groaned and slid his face against mine. The feeling was insanity. My body wakened. My sleeping brain jerked. My mouth opened involuntarily, and I felt myself slipping back. I was becoming an open wound again.
One of his hands was gripping my arm; the other was sliding underneath my neck, cradling my head. He moved his head back, his lips scraping along my jaw towards my lips. A pained sound convulsively exited my throat as he covered my lips with his.
His hot tongue slid inside me. I felt the stabbing pain of desire slice from my chest to my groin. Even my thighs ached. My body strained backwards, arching up to meet his mouth. He teased my lips, withdrawing his tongue, nibbling on them, swiping his tongue possessively across them.
Desire stabbed and swelled in me.
"You are so sweet," he breathed against my swollen mouth, "Oh yeah... you taste so sweet."
I made a nonsense moan, a sound that matched my weak and muddled insides.
"I've missed you," he nibbled my lips again, little licks and bites.
Gods! I had to pull away. I felt like I was trying to swim upwards through sludge. Then his mouth moved to my neck, nuzzling my head back away from my shoulder, exposing my flesh, feasting on it. I cried out, losing my restraint. My hand clutched convulsively at his head, pressing it against me, and I was lost.
"Yer freezin'. Come warm up in the hot tub. You'd like that, right?" he asked, gently leading me that way.
I notice the stiff object in my pocket, poking me in the arm as he puled me forward. Letter. I still had that damned thing with me. I knew it was time to give him the letter, and give away the love of my life. I was trembling uncontrollably, and I used the last few minutes to look upon his face for what may be the last time before he left me behind.
It took every bit of strength and courage that I had, but I gave it to him. I actually GAVE it to him! Not too bright, huh? I didn't want to see him read it. I practically threw him the letter and said, "Here...Here. Take it. It's for you."
He took the crumpled note and held it in his teeth. I was shivering uncontrollably, so he helped me out of my shoes and clothes, and then into that streaming cauldron of pleasure.
We kissed and touched and held each other for countless minutes. It was restorative. My mind re-engaged. It was then that I moved around to the other side of the hot tub, avoiding his disturbing intimate contact. What made me think that it was my turn to be happy for a change? All my friends had gone off and found their true loves, and at least had been happy once. It seemed everybody had had love dropped in their lap. But not me, I had to search and struggle to find love, and when I finally found it, it was for someone I could never have. I suppose life was meant to be cruel for some people.
He was trying to talk sensibly to me, "Li?"
"What? What, Val?"
"I asked how you felt...about me. That's why you came here. Why yer not with...him...tonight, right?"
Was it? "Did you read the note?"
Val shook the water off a hand and delicately opened the note and read it completely. He smiled.
"Yeah?" I said, trying to sound as normal as possible.
"Li, you've gotta move closer over here," he said.
He was obviously excited about the note, and I knew it would be torture to hear him talk about it. Great, now was my self-punishment to suffer through hearing him talk about his new love life and future sex life. Rubbing it in my face, reminding me what I gave up, and that I lost out for no other reason than I was too scared to open my mouth and say something when I had the chance. (Thanks Carol, for writing that letter. I'll remember you for this painful experience when the ten year reunion comes around and you've gained 100 pounds and grown a moustache.) I thought about making up an excuse, but I just couldn't say no to him that night.
"Okay...okay," I repeated, just as dull both times.
The look on his face was indescribable, so full of light, so full of joy. It only made him ten times more beautiful. "Li...I don't know what to do with myself! I'm speechless."
He was practically jumping up and down. It was almost funny seeing him so happy. I would have laughed, if I wasn't hurting so much.
"So you read the letter huh?"
"Yeah, it's cool. I'm really surprised! I'd never have had the guts to put it in a letter. Poem or somethin', maybe, but... I mean, I've been dreamin' about it for a long time now, but I never thought I had a chance in hell!"
Ha! The very thought of Val thinking he didn't have a chance in hell with ANYBODY was downright ridiculous. I mean Carol was bound to fall for him sooner or later. ALL the girls everywhere it seemed were. I guess that little note really made him happy, happier than I ever did anyway. I guessed it was time to cut my losses and move on, at least I knew he'd have someone.
Gods, he was so special to me. At least I recognized without a doubt what love felt like.
"No chance? Of course you had a chance, you're one of the hottest guys in all Seyruun, you know that. Heh heh..." I spit out on the edge of hysteria.
"It did, it finally happened. Li...I just want you to know...that I feel EXACTLY the same way," Val said, his smile threatening to rip is face apart if it got any bigger.
Well, at least I knew he liked this Carol person, too, wherever he'd heard of her or met her somehow before. Like I said, he'd be happy. Maybe we'd still get together once in a while. Maybe they'd break up in a few weeks and he'd need a shoulder to cry on. I'd be here for him if he needed me. I'd always be there, pathetic little creature that I'd become.
"Good, I'm glad. I hope it all works out," I said, giving him all the false well wishes that I could muster.
It hurt, oh man did it hurt, but this was what he wanted and what I wanted for him. Yeah, great. Something to look back at twenty years from now when I might want to remember what true love really felt like.
That's when something happened that let me know something wasn't quite connecting here.
Val hugged me tightly around the neck, saying, "It'll work out, Li, 'cause I've never loved anybody else this much. I love you too Li, more than anything. Thank you."
He had even dropped the 'ing'; he had dropped all his act. This had to be for real. Then, before my brain could continue to process what was going on, he loosened his grip and kissed me on the lips. He took me completely by surprise and I felt weak, helpless, breathless. I guess the shock got the better of me and I backed up, losing my balance and falling back against the side of the hot tub. I hit my head and slipped down beneath the water.
"Lina? Are you okay?" Val asked, half concerned, half grinning as he pulled me up.
I was just...I couldn't believe...my mind went completely blank. No words would come to the surface, some water spurted, but words, no emotions could be described, or explained. I just sat there, dripping, wondering if it was all real, or if I was going to wake up in a second and have to put my Val plushie up on the bookcase.
"Yeah (cough, cough), I'm fine."
Val looked down at me for a few moments while I regained my senses. "You know, I just told you I loved you too, you could look a little bit happier," he said jokingly.
I don't know what made me say it the way I did, or why I couldn't just let down my defenses and enjoy the kiss. I had been waiting for him to say those words, and the second I did, I screwed it up and nearly gave myself a concussion in the process. I had to tell him the truth, "Val...I didn't write the letter, some girl named Carol did."
"Yeah, right," he joked.
But I looked at him, and he saw the answer in my expression. His joy faded quickly, and I saw his face melt into a look of hurt that almost brought tears to my eyes. His smile was the first to go, then his eyes lost their youthful glow, then his shoulders dropped, then the rest of him transformed in sections to the sad figure that half-floated before me. He looked over again at the letter he'd left resting on the edge of the hot tub. The ink was smudged and blurring from the wet steam.
"You...you mean...you didn't write this? You're not...'The one I've been waitin' for'?"
There was so much hurt in his voice, so much shame and despair. I couldn't answer him; I could only shake my head.
"Oh...oh Gods...Lina...I'm so... shit, embarrassed. I...I...look, this didn't happen, okay. None of it, this never happened. I'm sorry. Just...just...forget about it."
When I looked up again, tears were welling in his sparkling amber eyes. He turned his back on me, attempting to hide his shame from me. But he was hurting, and the pain was showing through his front and back, inside and out.
I sloshed over to him in the tub and put my arms around him from behind. Why couldn't I say it? The mystery was gone, the risk was gone, the love was real, so why couldn't I just say the damn words? They choked me, refused to come out, they betrayed me and forced themselves downward to hide away in the dungeon where I had kept them locked up for oh so long. I needed a magic charm to disenchant my lips!
"Why? Why don't you want me?" Val's voice caught in his throat. He was fighting back a sob. "Oh damnit, Li, if you don't want me I'm not worth the air that I breathe."
I hugged him tighter, wishing I had the strength, wishing I could just say it, just once. I was crying just as harder than he was, and then, as if on reflex, I kissed him on the cheek.
"STOP IT!" he shouted, pulling away from me. "Don't you see, you're makin' it worse! I thought I was above all those others, better than they were. Falling for their best friend instead of appreciating what they had. But now I'm on the other side of it, and you know what? IT SUCKS! Now I know how much it hurts. Gods, I'm no better than they were. I couldn't help it Li, please believe me. It's just, you're so wonderful, you treated me like a real person and you listened to my problems. You were the first person I ever trusted. I just...I just couldn't..."
He hit the water with his fist sending a flood rushing out of the tub and repeated how sorry he was for everything, and it ripped a hole in my very being. But it didn't break the seal on my imprisoned lips! It didn't open the dungeon!
Then, out of nowhere, the magic box opened. It was as if someone had turned the enchanted key that opened the box—no, not just someone, Xelloss. I pictured his face telling me what he knew I needed to hear, what he had told me back in Atlas City. The box opened and out rushed all these words to my lips, speeding up to the surface, stale from being held captive for such a long time. But it still wasn't easy to say. First I merely mouthed the words. Then they turned into a whisper, then a shy, low speech. But the spa's jets blasted on and Val couldn't hear me. Xelloss...always the trickster...
"Val!" I punched him.
"W-what?"
I pointed to the jet controls and he nodded. When the bubbles subsided, I stagger-spoke on.
"Er, ah...give me a moment. I want to get this right. I don't wanna haveta go back and say it again because I screwed something up. I just hope...I mean...I like you and everything and all but..." I was stalling and baulking stupidly.
"You came here, tonight...all this...to what? Reject me formally or somethun?" Val gasped incredulously.
"No! NO! No, sorry...no. I just don't know how to tell you...how much this means to me...how much you mean to me."
His eyes dilated I could feel his muscles in his legs and arms relax, so I hastily went on.
"Look, I like all the touching and kissing and all, but I want this to be more than just about that, 'kay? It is more that just that, right? I mean, for you too? It's more than just..."
"...Just physical attraction," he said at the same exact instant that I did.
I gasped, "Yeah. I don't want us to be about just... physical attraction. I want more from you, Val. That's all. I just needed to get that out in the open."
"Oh, yeah sure. And I want more than that... too," he said slowly.
There was something odd about his tone of voice. Caution, maybe? So the last time anybody said things like that to me, I got a lot a whole spiel out of them. (Think: Gourry's proposal or Xelloss way back then.) I gave Val that letter, which pretty much summed up how I felt about him. Of course, I hadn't written it, but it was close. Why wasn't he saying more? He wasn't one to hold back entirely. So, I asked, "Aren't you gonna tell me how you can give me anything I want and make me all kinds of promises?"
"Nah, I figure Xelloss and Gourry already tried that with you. If that's what you wanted, wealth or security, then you woulda settled for one of them at one time. No, if it's me that you want, and then here I am, when you want. And if you, don't, then there ain't nothin' I can say ta change that."
For all his profession of love, he didn't sound all that thrilled at the prospect all of the sudden. Here we go again, the reality setting in on us. I had the intense desire to have one of my friends walk up and interrupt the awkward conversation RIGHT NOW!
"You don't sound too happy about it," I pointed out.
"Should I be?" he asked daring me to admit my feelings for him.
"I-I don't know...exactly..." I looked him straight in the eye. Now was the time to level with him. "Xelloss unleashed this... passion, lets say, inside me that I needed...that I needed in order to feel complete and satisfied. I needed to be in love with my lover, he said. I almost had that with Xelloss, but not quite. I wanted it to be you, but you didn't seem to want me and I didn't want to share you with others."
"But, Lina, you said..."
"Oh, don't go throwing what I've said back at me. I've said a lot of stupid things over the years, all of them true at the time, maybe, but they don't hold true for me anymore. I... I..."
Val gripped my shoulders and leveled his killer stare at me, "Tell me."
That's when I felt myself floating so that I lay across him, my breasts pressing against his chest. I put my mouth right next to his ear and whispered the lovely words, their delightful sound getting easier and easier to say each time. "I love you, Val. More than anything. I love you, I love you, I love you... "
I kissed his smooth cheeks again, his warm, prickly skin being gently sucked into my mouth, and this time I took the time to enjoy it. I felt him relax even more, his head turning slightly to allow me to kiss more of his skin. It was at that point that I realized exactly what I was doing! I was kissing him! I was kissing the man I admitted to loving, and he was letting me! And he loved me too! Oh wow! I could feel him breathing under me. My heart raced, my head spun, and I was so close to having everything that I could ever want in life that it scared me. I was actually FRIGHTENED by it, the feelings that I had, the desire to completely give myself over to Val and become one with the man who had been slowly changing my life.
"I love you. I want you to love me for real and nobody else."
That made him moan out loud, and his arms stretched out in front of him as he arched his back and stretched underneath me. I felt his smooth body tense up, and my hands traveled down the subtle curves of his sides. While he was stretching, his body became tight and firm, yet still retaining that wiry 'green' quality, it was like having a cat stretch underneath me.
I whispered again, "I need you Val. Just say the words, please say you'll be mine, just mine."
Val moaned again, even louder. My voice was turning him on something fierce, and it made me feel so good to know I was arousing him beyond his wildest dreams. My body was numb with excitement, my mind was lost in the moment, and my heart...my heart found a new purpose, and it seemed to pick up an extra beat, just for him.
"Pleeeeaaase Val, say it. Say I can have you. I want you, I want you so bad." I knew it was driving him crazy, I knew he was insane with passion, and I wanted to fulfill his every fantasy. I wanted him to know my love was forever, and that his spectacular beauty, as well as the gentle side of his spirit and good natured personality, had never once gone unnoticed.
"That all?" He was only just audible.
"Yeah, and well, I'll love you and nobody else."
"Really?"
"Yeah, really"
"Okay, Li, ya convinced me. We'll do it your way..." he gave me a twisted smile and finished, "...since it happens to co-in-cide with my way."
"Okay. Um...well, ah..."
"What now? Want me to sign somethin', to commit?"
"Well, yeah, sure," I smirked my prettiest smirk.
That startled him. His arms dropped.
"Where?"
"Here," I offered him my right arm.
"I ain't got no pen on me," he said cautiously, not being the gaming sort that evening.
"Use whatever's handy...like your tongue." Get it now lover-boy?
"My t-...? Oh," his smile returned.
He signed for hours, and then turned to Braille. He was conversant in several languages.
And as stupid as all this has sounded, and even I think it does and I wrote it, I have to say, I never sounded stupider than when I was in love. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
Next time, I get to lend my hand at breaking up Xelloss' marriage, and mending two hearts into one. Now, doesn't that sound sweet? Tacky! We'll see about that!
End -- SHJ Ten Year Reunion-- Chapter Twenty.