The Wizard of Oz
"The Shameless KH Parody"
Written By Tanya J Hamilton
a.k.a. Chibi Tanny
Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy Characters are owned by Square Enix and Disney.
The storyline is based on L. Frank Baum's 'Wizard of Oz'.
I don't have any exclusive rights and this creation has been written only for personal pleasure, no profits will be made from this story.
Author's Notes: Greetings to one and all, I'm back. Hopefully this time round, I shall finish this story; I hope it entertains you all. This isn't a perfect retelling of the story we all know and love, it's not suppose to be, actually it's fairly messed retelling.
I warn you now, there is cross dressing and bad humour, if you don't like this combo then I suggest you turn back now. Please light on the criticism I can't take it very well from strangers. (Yes I know I'm touchy)
Also on another note the KH story I already started and never added too, I do apologise, but I'm planning a much better rewrite so something else to look forward to my loyal readers.
I'd also like to thank my friend Steven and all those insane humorous fictions out there that inspired me to write this and also my lovely beta PrettygamerI!
I hope you have at least a little chuckle at the surprises I have in store for you all and exactly who is who in this shameless version of the Wizard of Oz.
Chapter 1: "Follow the Yellow Brick Road"
Something was wrong; Riku sensed it as soon as he came to. Something very out of the ordinary, it wasn't the fact a cold wet nose nuzzled at his neck to aid his return to consciousness, or was it the fact the climate of the environment had dramatically decreased, neither was it the fact that his house tipped slightly at an odd angle. No it was none of these things that alerted Riku that something wasn't right at all; it was the most unsettling and traumatizing factor of the whole situation that drew his attention to the immoral scene he was trapped in.
The poor boy found himself sprawled across his single bed in a dress. A blue and white checked dress with a white apron along with white socks that reached just above his ankles and black old style school shoes, to be precise.
"Aaaaaaaaahhh! Why in Sephiroth's name am I wearing a dress?!" the teal eyed boy demanded stalking from his bed over to his closet, throwing open the doors that nearly were flung off their hinges by his sheer force.
Riku cried out in horror again, "Aaaah! M-my clothes! S-someone has switched them!"
Yes, to Riku's horror he found all his clothes replaced by dresses, aprons and girl's floral patterned underwear (blush).
The teenage boy's (ahem girls?) room was as if a atom bomb had hit it, clothes, books and plush toys were scattered across the floor by the time Riku noticed the other presence in the room. Pausing to try and calm himself and plan a painful execution of whoever thought this was a funny prank to play on him, his attention fell on the cute blonde cairn terrier that had a striking resemblance to his friend Tidus. The puppy sat obediently upon a rug beside the bed tilting his head sweetly and blinking up at him with its adorable big blue eyes. Riku felt himself drawn to the endearing mutt and squatted down to pet the canine and check if there was any identification collar, the little pup sniffed at his hand then his knees and before he knew it had rudely stuck its head up his dress as it familiarized itself with its master (mistress?). Riku reacted like any young lady should; he batted that pup away and clambered up to his feet, screeching bloody murder. The little terrier whined and looked up shamefully at its chosen master, not even Riku was immune to old 'puppy-dog-eyes'. Shaking his head, his hair bobbing around like a silver halo Riku sighed and forgave the puppy; after all it was just a dumb animal, right?
"What are you looking at?" Riku demanded glaring coldly at the terrier, feeling self conscious in the dress and slightly stupid since the dog couldn't understand him, "When I find the moron who dared pull this prank on me, I'm gonna – well I dunno what I'm gonna do, but it's gonna hurt."
Riku at this point frowned upon recall, the night before a huge tropical cyclone hit Destiny Island, how could anyone manage to pull a prank to this scale with a storm raging about, even in the time after the storm had blown over.
He remembered hurrying back from Kairi's house after walking her home in the storm and then finding he had left his bed room window open which was positioned just above his bed; he remember leaning over the bed frame to close the window and just as he looked up to latch it closed – black. He couldn't remember anything after that; he assumed that's when he was knocked out cold. Only to wake up now to find himself clad in a dress with a little puppy that seemed to have the hots for him.
He knew someone, somewhere was having a good laugh at the expensive of his dignity and he vowed whoever that someone was, they'd meet a very sticky end. (Ew not in that way you hentai readers!)
After a great battle of logic and pride, Riku summoned enough courage to go outside and find out what the big idea was all about, scooting cautiously toward his front entrance the terrier in tow, Riku peeked out past the wooden door only to find the shock of his life. No his house wasn't positioned on the sandy shore of Destiny Island it was smack bang in the middle of a miniature town's flower garden. Ok so it wasn't much of a garden anymore the flowers that been squished flat by the humble house.
Wandering from the safety of his home, out into the open, Riku found a country of marvelous beauty. There were lovely patches of greensward all about with stately trees bearing rich and luscious fruits. Banks of gorgeous flowers were on every hand, and birds with rare and brilliant plumage sang and fluttered in the trees and bushes. A little way off was a small brook, rushing and sparkling along between the green banks.
"Well 'Tidus', I don't think we're on Destiny Island anymore," Riku named his new companion due to it's immense likeness to his human friend back on Destiny Island.
Finding the town seem deserted Riku was just about to give up when he wandered past a bush, his attention was caught by the odd sound of high pitched giggling that seemed to be coming from the shifty looking bush.
"Who's there?!" Riku demanded only to be answered by more squeaky and high-pitched giggles from all around him. Stumbling trying to depict where the giggles sources were, Riku demanded once more, "Show yourself!"
Finally Riku's cries were met by a group of the queerest people Riku had ever seen and as more joined the rather odd group, appearing from various hiding places, he found that the little village wasn't as deserted as he first thought it to be.
The queer folk of the village were not as big as adults; but they seemed to be as tall as well grown children, although they were, so far as looks go, many years older than he.
Two of small curious looking people parted from the main collective, one female, she had bright emerald eyes, chestnut shoulder length hair that curled out at the ends in a bobbed cut; she was clad in an oddly familiar yellow dress. The other male, darker brown eyes, his most distinguished feature was his bright red hair slicked back into a cowlick style along with a blue bandana. When the duo drew near they paused and whispered between themselves as if afraid to come any closer. At long last they seemed to come to a decision and the hideously yellow clad girl approached Riku.
Spluttering in shock Riku comprehend he actually did recognize this smiling monstrosity in yellow, "S-Selphie?!"
Her grin grew wider if that was possible, chirping brightly with a great deal of gratitude and admiration she spoke, "You are most welcome, noble Sorceress, to the land of the Munchkins. We are so grateful to you for having killed the wicked witch of the East and setting our people free!"
"Huh? What on earth are you on about Selphie? Have you been eating too much sugar again? Sorceress? Munchkins? Are you in on this prank? Ok ha ha very funny Selph' now – Wait! Did you say killed?!" exclaimed Riku as if Selphie had gone completely mad. (ahem, at least she isn't the boy wearing a dress.)
"Your house did, anyway," replied the even odder than usual Selphie-Munchkin.
"That's the same thing. See!" piped up the male Munchkin that looked awfully like Wakka.
Choking on all but oxygen Riku looked to where his 'Munchkin friends' pointed with great excitement and joy to the corner of the house. 'There are her two toes, still sticking out from under a block of wood.'
"Holy crap!" Riku cursed quite bluntly.
The Munchkin whether she was the real Selphie or just some freak of nature cursed to look like the hyper girl he used to know back on the islands was indeed telling the truth, just under the corner of the great beam the house rested on, two feet were exposed, shod in ruby red shoes with pointed toes.
Riku picked up a near by stick from the ground and prodded the lifeless legs, not too sure about getting any closer, "Shit. They are real! This isn't a joke!"
"You house fell on her when the great winds died away," Wakka-Munchkin informed him off handily.
Had the cyclone really been strong enough to tear his house from the ground and carry it away to a far off world? Riku wondered briefly upon these passing thoughts before his attention was drawn back to the fact he had technically killed someone.
"But who was she?" the aquamarine eyed boy questioned.
"She was the Wicked Witch of the East, as Miss Selphie said," answered the dwarf sized Wakka, "She has held us Munchkins in repression for many years, making us slave for her night and day. Now we are all free and are grateful to you for the favor."
"Who are the Munchkins?" Riku inquired huffily, if this was a game it had already gone too far. But something told Riku that it might not be a prank as he first thought; could it be possible these people were for real?
This is when a new presence intercepted the conversation, abruptly a single pyrefly floated between the conversing Riku and Munchkins as it drifted in, on the cool spring breeze.
The little people gasped and started to chattered excitedly and the pyrefly started to danced about and change shape into a splendid and elegant looking woman before them, she had long wispy brown hair pulled back by a red ribbon into a single braid, her eyes a deep green full of kindness, she wore a pink shoe string strapped dress that buttoned up at the front and in odd contrast bulky leather tanned boots. What Riku noticed about her were the cheaply made coat hanger and stocking 'fairy wings' along with a plastic Tiara and matching wand.
While Riku gapped at her she smiled gently and spoke in a sweet voice, "The Munchkins are the people who live in this land of the East, where the Wicked Witch ruled, to answer your earlier question."
"Are you a Munchkin?" Riku questioned.
"No, but I am their friend, although I live in the land of the North. When they saw the Witch of the East was dead the Munchkins sent a swift messenger to me, and I came at once. I am the Witch of the North, Aerith."
"A witch?!" Riku looked at her suspiciously as if she would suck out his brains, only to be distracted by the Tidus terrier who and started sniffing up his legs again. Riku lightly punted the blonde dog off in annoyance, but his eyes never once left the taller woman and so his efforts to silently deter the mutt were in vain as it soon returned to what it had been doing.
"Yes, indeed," the woman chuckled, her voice sounded like merry bells, "But I am a good witch, and the people love me."
Riku gave her a flat expression, muttering under his breath to himself as he continued to try and bat the hormone driven puppy away, "Someone has tickets on themselves."
"I am not as powerful as the Wicked Witch who ruled here, or I would have set the people free myself," Aerith explained.
"I thought all witches were evil," the cross-dressed boy somewhat accused her.
"Oh no, that is not the case. There were four witches in the Land of Oz, two of which are good; they live in the North and South. Those who dwell in the East and the West were indeed evil. But now that you have killed one of them, there is but one now. The Wicked Witch of the West."
"Let's hear it for the noble and not to mention sexy sorceress lady that fell from the sky!" miniature Wakka cheered causing a chain reaction as the entire Munchkin population sung out in joy to their savior.
Riku blinked in shock, before flushing a pretty shade of pink in embarrassment. " . . .Hey . . .Hey! I'm no girl, especially not a lady!"
Selphie - munchkin giggled, "Don't be silly, Miss Sorceress lady, if you were a boy why would you be wearing a dress? Boys don't wear dresses."
Blushing a deeper shade of pink Riku couldn't decide whether it was from embarrassment now or frustration. Maybe it was a mixture of both?
"I can assure you, Selphie, I am a boy."
"No way. I know a girly girl when I see one and you're the girliest girl I've ever seen!" Selphie argued which just infuriated Riku more.
He was just about to rudely insult her when he was interrupted by a loud explosion that reminded him of fire crackers going off, and a thick choking violet smoke expanded from the center of the Munchkin town square and dissipated as quickly as it appeared, to reveal yet another outrageous intruder.
"Eekkk!" screeched an annoying high pitched voice that pierced Riku's eardrums, "Sister! Oh my dear sister Ansem! What happened to you? W-who dared do this to you my big sister?"
Riku waving the last of the violet smog away, he looked over to see the next shock of his life; a girl bent over the lifeless legs of the person Riku accidentally killed wept, and she wept for a few moments before a scary rage took over her.
Standing up she turned to face the large crowd with a nasty sneer on her face. Riku eyes widened upon recognizing her, there was no mistaking that shortly cropped reddish brown hair, and that hideous outfit consisting of tiny purple skirt and shoe-string strapped top. Even with the added accessories of a black cape, pointy hat and rubber green witch nose that was held on by string.
"Who did this?!" Witch Kairi angrily demanded.
Everyone was silent staring fearfully at the demon girl from hell.
Kairi growled waving an angry fist in the air, "Fine, I shall curse you all."
That got the response Witch Kairi was looking for, everyone stepped back from 'Miss Riku' including Aerith and they all pointed at Wicked Witch Ansem's murder (him; Riku).
Riku glanced from side to side then frowned, "Oh, come on. Is this any way to treat your hero?"
"So it was YOU who killed my dear sister Ansem?" Kairi snarled, striding up to Riku and poking him in the chest. "I am curious how a flat–chested girlie girl like you could manage such a feat; I sense nothing special about you! But no matter what the circumstances are, I shall not forgive you!"
"Hey! Wha- Kairi . . . Grr! I'm not a girl!" Riku argued.
Kairi suddenly laughed in a glass-shattering manner, "How 'cute', a girl in denial. Now to collect what is rightfully mine!"
Storming moodily over to with her sister's limp legs were she found the items she was planning to take as her own were now gone. The ruby red slippers had disappeared and now Ansem's legs shriveled away, disappearing beneath Riku's house.
"AH! My sister's shoes, they are gone! Who dares take them?!" Kairi screeched like a dying chicken, it was becoming very irritating.
"I did," Aerith stepped forward, "And I have entrusted them to the one responsible for the fall of your sister of the East."
Riku felt all eyes all on him, "Hey . . . wait a minute, that's me!"
Sure enough looking down at his feet Riku found he was now wearing a beautifully crafted pair of ruby red shoes, the very same ones the dead person had been wearing.
This seemed to fuel Kairi's rage even more and she lunged at Riku crying out at the top of her lungs to give her the shoes. However Aerith easily intercepted and restrained the red haired girl that was starting to foam at the mouth.
Poor Riku was going to get nightmares from this, he just knew it. What the hell was going on?
"I should warn you, Wicked Witch of the West, if you try to remove the shoes by force you shall be cursed for eternity, your sister Ansem put some type of charm on them," Aerith proclaimed with a sly, smug smile.
"Arg! Curse you, Aerith! Don't doubt I shall find a way to get those shoes if it's the last thing I do," Kairi threatened meaning every word with all her being.
She then turned to Riku with a look of pure loathing on her face, "And YOU! I'll get you my pretty and the horny little dog too!"
With these parting words and manic laughing, Kairi disappeared in a puff of violet smoke once more.
If Riku were an anime character would have 'sweat dropped' at this point and probably at a few million other points in this story so far. Glancing to the dog he found the canine Tidus trying to make love to his leg. Sighing as he got more irritated and frustrated, he massaged his temples as he felt a major headache forming.
"Lady Riku," Aerith walked over to the youth with a more serious expression now, "The only way the Wicked Witch of the West can ever get her hands on those slippers you now wear is if you take them off willingly yourself or if something like what happened to Miss Ansem were to befall you. You must NEVER allow Witch Kairi to get those shoes; if she ever does, a great darkness would befall Oz!"
"Is everyone deaf or just dumb? I said I'm not a girl!" Riku grumbled.
"Now, now, Miss Riku there is no time to be gender confused, you must follow the yellow brick road, to get to the emerald city," Aerith informed Riku.
"Huh? Why do I wanna do that?" Riku questioned bluntly.
"Bee-cause it's a part of the plot development! You've got to follow the yellow brick road and go to the emerald city to meet with the Wizard of Oz to seek his help to get home." Selphie piped up bouncing around him, not helping his headache at all.
"Er, do I have to? I've been dying all my life to get away from Destiny Island, not that this is exactly the ideal sort of place I wanted to travel to, actually this is the most idiotic place I've ever been." Riku ingenuously stated.
Aerith's kind expression turned sour. "That's it! Young lady, either you march that tight little butt of yours down that yellow brick road, or I'll see to it a house falls on YOU!" The so-called 'Good' Witch of the North stood over Riku in a threatening manner (special effect flames flickering up behind her) that put Kairi's threats earlier to shame, "Do I make myself clear Miss Riku?"
"Y-yes Lady Aerith!" Riku squeaked out, backing away from the Aerith in 'Scary Mode'.
Returning to her former pleasant self, Aerith smiled brightly, "Alright then, you have my blessings, be of with you and have a safe journey! Farewell Miss Riku and good luck!"
Riku decided not wait around any longer so he did not witness Aerith giggling as she turned into her pyrefly form and drift off on the breeze. But what he did have to witness and endure was the entire Munchkin population breaking out into song. 'She's off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz' …and well, you should know the rest.
Kicking Tidus off his leg again Riku broke into a fast sprint down the yellow brick road… Well, a sprint consisting of a lot of stumbling considering Riku had no idea how to run in heeled shoes.
"Ahhhh! I'm not a GIRL!" were his final cries of frustration that were left echoing in the Munchkin settlement.
Riku didn't stop running until the town of the insane little people was out of sight.
To Be Continued.
A/N: Here's the deal: you give me reviews and I'll start work on chapter two. Also on a side note, did anyone know the shoes were actually silver in the book? But I like the film's red shoes, they look much sillier.