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Summary: L/J.James just got some disturbing news that makes Lily remember her painful past. what will happen when she spills a few secrets of her own? and what about when voldie comes around? [summary sucks but readreview!!!] set in 7th yr.

:) I was bored and this idea just popped into my head. PLEASE REVIEW!!! i couldn't get this idea outta my head... and this is like my firstest "serious" story [if you could call it drama...i dunno]... i usually write fluff but...well...

:) i know, i know, my others stories suck major butt, but this one is actually pretty good, so PLEASE review!

this chapter is REALLY short but ... more is coming!!!!

reviews are always welcome.... any criticisms or suggestions or praises or questions, feel free.

This chappie is dedicated to Swishy Willow Wand [if she'll even read it, i dunno]
for suggesting in a review to one of my other stories that i should write longer stories well. here you go Turkey-gurl!

And now, the story.....p.s. the first part is from 5th year, its a flashback, but then we go into 7th yr.

YOU KNOW NOTHING

Chapter 1: The Letters

FlashBack-MeMory-ThiNg

A fifteen-year-old redhead made her way down to breakfast. It was Saturday and the middle of Christmas break. Two days until Christmas! That break had been exceptionally brilliant due to the fact that James Potter [who hadn't stopped asking her out since the beginning of 4th year] was at home and she was at Hogwarts. She arrived merely minutes before the owl post did. Normally, she didn't recieve much. A letter or two maybe, but that morning she wasn't expecting anything.

She was grabbing for a piece of toast as an owl she didn't recognize dropped a letter by her pumpkin juice. There wasn't anything special about it, plain white envelope, a blue seal she thought could have been from the Ministry, and her name and information on the front. She opened it and took a bite of her toast. As she read the letter, the toast fell out of her hands, she stood up and walked out of the Great Hall, her eyes glued to the parchment but their emerald green dull and glazed over, as if she wasn't really seeing it.

Her feet took her to the Astronomy Tower, but when she arrived, she had no clue how she got there. In fact, if you were to ask her what had taken place since she picked up the letter to when she locked herself in the Tower, her mind would draw a complete blank to this day.

In shock, Lily slid down the wall she was leaning upon. She was numb. She couldn't feel the floor beneath her any more than she could believe what had happened. She was confused and alone. There was no best friend to follow her up the stairs, to check on her, no one even noticed the quiet girl leave the Great Hall. And now, now she had no family to return home to. Only Petunia, who couldn't stand to look at Lily, let alone live with her.

A distant part of her knew it was the shock that was dulling her pain. She couldn't cry or feel her heart break, she couldn't move. She barely felt her heartbeat, if it was indeed beating. She spent all of that Saturday in the Astronomy Tower, alone, staring at the piece of parchment she held in her hands, though she didn't feel its weight.

Ms. Lily Evans,
We are sorry to inform you that 'Lord Voldermont' has struck again. Your parents were having a holiday party which all of your family attended, excluding your sister, Petunia Evans. He attacked at midnight on the 23rd of December. We send our deepest apologies. Your sister will be handling the funerals and muggles will believe everyone died in a fire. Please contact your headmaster for information about the services.

Mackindric Mallona, Ministry of Magic

As it grew dark, a part of Lily- what felt like a very distant part- realized she needed to go to her dorm. Spending the night in the exposed Tower, while appealing, could be dangerous, especially in her current state. She made her way back to the Gryffindor Tower and mumbled the password to the Fat Lady [Ogsbonsons]. She was an empty shell, mechanically walking and making her way to her dorm. There was no one left. No friends who would worry, no family who would love, no one. It was the worst Christmas ever. By Sunday, some of her shock wore off and she cried nonstop, not leaving her dorm. By the end of break? Lily was cried out and she was once again a shell of her former self, hallow and alone....

EnD FlashBack-MeMory-ThiNg

It had taken Lily around a year to fully recover...if you call it a recovery. She wasn't the same, never would be. But, she was no longer crying constantly, feeling sorry for herself. She lost the whole "woe-is-me" attitude as soon as her tears stopped. Now, instead of carefree and quiet, instead of weeping and alone, she was angry, angry at the world- no, not the world, just at HIM, at Voldermont. She was strong, in control... or at least she thought she was.

She never cried, and she hardly ever cared about anything besides academics, she just worked and spent endless hours in the library, but no one wondered what she was doing. No one noticed the difference, or anything for that matter, and she was glad of it. Now, she was alone by choice and there was no one to worry about. No way to get hurt. Petunia was married and made it very clear to Lily that she wanted nothing to do with her, cutting her last remaining tie to humanity.

It was Christmas time again, her last at Hogwarts. Lily had never been so happy for her private dorm as she was then. She wouldn't have to see the girls' pity as she woke to nothing at the foot of her bed. Christmas was like any other day to her, only the food was better than its usual magnifigance. The only downside was that James shared the Head common room with her and there was no escaping him. Lately, though, he had gotten less full of himself, had matured even. He even stopped asking her out daily. This year, he'd only tried to be friends with Lily. For some reason, she was actually almost happy that he was staying for break this year...

It was Sunday and, with only one day until Christmas, Lily could feel the excitement in the air around her. She couldn't help but wish she was as happy as the rest of them, but she couldn't let herself be. It was just another day. Nothing special. An endless string of days would follow, all the same. What made this one any different? Sitting in the head common room, she was sitting on one of the couches, reading. She didn't even hear him behind her, just watching her. He stared for a few minutes longer before walking over and sitting on a couch opposite her. She looked up at him and smiled, a small smile but a smile nonetheless.

"Hey James. Can I help you with anything?" she asked him politely, waking him up from his stupor.

"Oh... yeah... I wanted to know if you had those lists for the different Hogsmeade weekends we set up. Just want to check something." He said to her quietly. She picked up her bag and began to dig through it, eventually pulling out a few sheets of parchment and handing them to him. " 'Ere you go. I'm going to go to dinner. Coming?" she asked. He shook his head, already reading the lists and waved for her to go on.

He arrived about 10 minutes after Lily and sat with his friends. In the middle of the meal, a single brown owl came swooping into the Hall and dropped a letter in front of James. Lily gasped as she recognized it. Same plain envelope, same blue stamp, same round and loopy handwriting. Her eyes widened as James' eyes did and she knew what he must have been reading. She longed to rush up to him and comfort him in some way, but how could she?

Her eyes followed him as he rushed out of the Great Hall, pale and followed by two very worried friends. The fourth of their group, the smaller, chubby one, was in the Hospital Wing or something. The rest of the meal passed in a blur for Lily. While the rest of the Hall buzzed with gossip, Lily sat, staring blankly at her plate, while a wave of feelings she had long since buried overcame her. She blinked back tears and left the Great Hall with everyone else.

She went to the Head's common room and was surprised to see James sitting in front of the fire, staring at the flames, his eyes bleak and angry. Lily was afraid to disturb him. He practically shook with surpressed rage but at the same time, she knew he was feeling more pain than he ever had before. Lily had gotten off easy, she went straight into shock, she had felt nothing for the first 24 hours... and, after that first wave of emotion had hit, she didn't really feel much towards anything at all, aside from a burning hatred towards Voldermont. Her stubborness finally came in useful, she refused to feel anything else...

Slowly, carefully, she made her way towards him and gently sat next to him on the other end of the couch. They sat in silence for a long while, him staring at the fire, her staring at him. Her heart broke as she saw the warmth had left his eyes and his face looked as if it would never smile again. She wished he would cry or something, not just sit there!

"James?" she said quietly, timidly, "Are you... well.. okay?" He didn't answer at first, but at length, he managed to mumble to the fire "Just dandy."

"That's not what I meant... I meant.." she sounded distressed. She refused to get angry at him, she had asked a stupid question, but she was hurt by his answer. " I guess I should have asked if you needed to talk..." she said to him, still quiet, but less timid.

This seemed to anger him, a worse statement than before. "No. Okay, Evans? I don't need to talk. And certainly not with you." A wave of protests rose in her throat, but she swallowed them. He didn't know what she has or hasn't dealt with, but she still had to keep telling herself to calm down. He's hurting, he's just acting out. Don't get angry.

"James, I know how you must be feeling but-" she was cut off by his gruff voice.

"How, Lily? How the hell could you know how I am feeling? Not only do you not know what happened, but in your perfect little life, you have never had to deal with the pain I am feeling right now!" He was getting louder and angrier "You have no right to come in here and try to 'fix-it'! It can't be fixed! How dare you come in here and tell me you know what I'm feeling!" He had gotten up and had his back to the fire, towering over Lily.

She felt her fury slowly rising and her outrage bubbled up her throat, but she refused to fight with him, to let him use her as a target for his anger. She stood up and looked him straight in the eye, her plans to stay out of a fight were diminished. He had gone too far. Somehow she had managed to control herself and the urge to yell her head off.

"You are NOT the only victim of a Voldermont attack and don't you dare think that I have never felt pain. You have no right to assume ANYTHING about my life." she whispered venemously, but he saw the tears that began to form in her eyes. Lily spun on her heel and rushed to her dorm, where she spent the remainder of Christmas Eve staring at the ceiling, trying not to relive all of her memories about her family. She preferred it when she just kept it all buried. It was much less painful...

dun dun dun! not really a cliffie, but..yeah... anyone who reviews gets a giant internet cookie!!!!