Tourniquet
I tried to kill the pain
But only brought more
Duo stepped carefully into the darkened safe house. He had come back from a separate mission to find that the rest of the pilots had been shipped off on another. At least he THOUGHT they were all gone.
In no hurry, he went to the kitchen, poured himself a tall glass of milk, and wondered into the living area. He flopped onto the couch and searched the table in front of him for the remote control, but just before he found it he hear a prominent thud from somewhere in the rear of the house.
"That sounded like it came from my room... Heero must be home still..." Duo stood and bounded down the hall way, eager to see his cobalt eyed buddy. However, when he opened the door, the scene on the other side stopped him dead in his tracks.
"Heero, what the—"
"Duo." Heero said weakly, he was sprawled on the floor and covered in blood. Just out of reach of his left hand lay a dagger Duo had never seen before. "Shinigami, take me home." Heero was babbling incoherently...
Duo could not believe what he was seeing. "Heero, what are you doing?!"
I lay dying
I'm pouring crimson regret, and betrayal
I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?
Heero had been sitting on his bed since the night before, the knife gleaming on the bedside table before him. All too often he had thought about suicide. And many times he had come a little too close to committing himself to such a fate. The dawn was breaking and he had hit the nadir of despair. He wanted only to paint over the sun and staple the curtains shut... the light hurt his eyes so...
He finally got the courage to touch the blasted blade, and slowly, precisely, he drug the sharpened edge across his skin... methodically drawing the crimson fluid from his veins... Heero started small. Tiny almost unnoticeable cuts, but soon enough, the flaming, itching redness wasn't enough. The cuts came longer, deeper and more jagged... his hands began to shake and grow white.
He didn't know what he was doing until it was too late. His eyes rolled back in his head, mixed with shame, fear, and ecstasy... He vaguely remembered the front door being thrown open... it had to have been Duo... He couldn't hold himself up any longer, so he fell forward, off the bed onto the cool hardness of the floor in front of him. The blade shot out from his hand and lay sprawled and bloody on the floor beside him.
He never expected that Duo would come in to find him this way...He pleaded for help in the only one way he was sure he could... he began to cry.
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
Duo could not believe his eyes. This could not be the Perfect Soldier lying sprawled and bleeding before him.
"Shinigami... Save me."
'He's dying.' Duo thought and nearly panicked but slowed his thoughts down and kicked the knife away from Heero. He lifted the Japanese boy up by the shoulders and laid him across his lap, cradling his head and torso in his arms. "Heero, what were you thinking?"
"I hate all this..." Heero said slowly.
Duo wrapped Heero's wrists in the bed sheets that drug the floor and hugged Heero tighter. "You hate me too?" He asked and immediately wished he hadn't...
Heero's eyes opened a bit in shock and tried to focus on the braided pilot in front of him. "No... I want... you... to make it better..." Heero rolled his head back into Duo's chest.
"Oh Heero." Duo grasped the boy's face and kissed his forehead softly.
"I'm so far away..." Heero said, allowing his head to fall back against Duo's arm, limp.
Do you remember me—
Lost for so long
Duo sat there, tears forming and brimming over his eyes. How could he have not seen this descent into insanity this spiral into hell Heero was falling—no, crashing into all this time...? Why didn't he notice what this war and what his training were doing to him?
Duo naturally blamed Heero's condition upon himself. "Heero, please, hang on, you're going to be alright, I promise. You can't die on me... I... I love you." He said, for the first time not regretting the words as they came off his lips.
"Duo. I'm... already lost...Can I be saved?" Heero's voice was weary... tired.
Duo clung to the cobalt eyed boy for dear life. "I can't lose you, Heero." Duo said, willing the death and destruction inside Heero to take up residence inside his own spirit... Death could handle death and destruction... the Perfect Soldier need not to.
"Duo."
Will you be on the other side
Or will you forget me?
I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?
Duo swore then that he would redeem Heero through himself, if he had to fight the devil for his soul himself. "Heero, you're not too far gone yet, please hang on. The bleeding will stop eventually. And when you've rested up we can work through everything you're feeling. I won't leave you alone anymore..." Duo pledged himself only to Heero then.
"Duo... There's so much inside..." Heero whispered. His voice sounded faint and raspy, as if he'd been screaming and was now losing his voice.
"Yes, I know... But I haven't lost you yet, and I am not going to lose you. You're too strong for this, Heero. Please." Duo pleaded with the Perfect Soldier... His love.
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
Heero tilted his head upwards then as if it were the only energy he had left in his body, "Save me..." he said, looking into Duo's eyes. "Make the bleeding stop... bring me back to reality." Heero's eyes shut and opened again slowly. He tried to focus on the braided pilot in front of him but had very little success.
"Consider it done." Duo said and drug a First-Aid kit from underneath his bed. He bandaged Heero's wrists, and tied them off tightly. "Death also preserves life. It is not your time to go, Heero." He said, smiling weakly at the Wing pilot...
My wounds cry for the gave
My soul cries for deliverance
The cuts healed more slowly than Heero would have liked. Since that fateful day, he and Duo had not spoken much. He knew he owed the braided boy an explanation, even an apology, but he did not know how to go about bringing it up.
It had been two weeks, and Duo was beginning to wonder if Heero even remembered what had happened to him… Surely he had not forgotten the knife, the bandages, and the things that passed between the two of them… Duo's mind was in torment, he did not know how to address the Perfect Soldier, or how to address the feelings that welled within his heart.
Over dinner one night when the house was empty, except for Duo and the Perfect Soldier, the conversation finally commenced. Duo finally inquired as to how Heero was feeling.
"Hn. My arms itch." Was all Heero said, but the look on his face implied that he wanted to say much more.
"They're healing. It will go away." Duo reassured him. But before he could mutter another thing, Heero was up from the table and standing before him.
"Duo, you saved my life that night. When no one else would have. I meant what I said. I want you to save me—because you are the only one that can." Heero's eyes were intense, his voice was even, but his hands were shaking.
Duo stood from the table, leveling his gaze with the Japanese boy. "I have wanted nothing more than to save you, Heero." Duo said, reaching a hand around the other boy's neck and pulling him into a deep, hungry kiss.
Will I be denied Christ?
Tourniquet
My suicide...
© 2003
Aleesha Posey
August 13, 2003