Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl, or any of the characters therein. Those belong to Eoin Colfer.
Jimmy Jenson was a very bad boy. He never picked up his toys, never went to bed when he was told, never ate his vegetables, and always, always, always drove his parents crazy. "One day," his mother would say, "that boy is going to meet the bogeyman, and boy will he be sorry then."
"I'm not afraid of the bogeyman!" Jimmy would reply, and then go back to drawing pictures on the walls, pinching his sister, or whatever other sort of trouble he was making.
One night, after Jimmy had finally gone to his room, he heard a terrible noise from underneath his bed.
'Thump Thump THUMP!' went the noise. Jimmy sat up.
"W-who's there?" he asked, looking around the room.
"Who do you think I am?" asked the noise.
"Are-are you my sister?" asked Jimmy.
"No," said the noise, "you're so mean to your little sister she won't even come near you."
"Are you my m-mother?" asked Jimmy.
"No," said the noise, "she had to cook you a whole new meal when you wouldn't eat your broccoli, she's sound asleep."
"Are you m-my father?" asked Jimmy.
"No," said the noise, "he had to chase you all around the house to make you go to bed, he's sound asleep too."
"Then who are you?" asked Jimmy.
"I," replied the voice, "am the BOGEYMAN!"
The monster jumped out from Jimmy's bed, all hairy and slimy and smelly and green. Quick as a wink, he snatched up little Jimmy, and dragged him down under the bed. His oogy-bogey magic opened a door to the bogeyman world, and just like that Jimmy fell through. He's still down there now, I'll bet, eating plate after plate of vegetables and doing three sets of chores a day. That's what happens to bad little children, you see, when the bogeyman finds them.
Artemis Fowl II was deeply troubled. These stories he was being read each night were highly unsettling to the bright little child; the thought of such a disrespectable creature breaking and entering into his father's home was not a pleasant one. And the concept of such a beast kidnapping him on top of it all, without even the decency to allow for a ransom, was worse still. The third night after his nanny began reading such cautionary tales, Artemis had made up his mind: something had to be done about this bogeyman character.
But first, of course, he needed a plan. The young genius thought deeply about his options. Although he had many material resources, he was to be on his own in this endeavor. The nanny who had introduced him to the stories would, he decided, be of no help at all. She was a nice enough person, young Fowl supposed, but she did not seem to realize he was no ordinary four (almost five!) year old. She had a tendency to talk down to him, and then get upset when he replied to her using twelve letter words and complex metaphors.
His father, of course, understood Artemis as well as could be expected. Artemis Sr., however, was a very busy man. Artemis Jr. understood this fact completely, and decided soon after he began to ponder over the bogeyman situation that his father was not to be bothered by it.
Angeline Fowl, his mother, was also out of the question. Artemis had already tried to tell her about the fairy he had clearly seen a few months before by the old oak at their summer retreat. He had been met with obvious disbelief coated with a condescending retelling of some childish fairy stories. These stories were, of course, all wrong. The fairy Artemis had seen had definitely heard word of the technological revolution. This was, after all, almost the twenty first century. No, his mother would be of no help at all.
There was, of course, Butler. Artemis made a mental note of this, but privately decided to try and deal with this bogeyman on his own. He was, after all, almost five years old. It was about time he began to pull his own weight.
This decision, however, did not help with his predicament. After a good half hour of thought, Artemis was still in need of a plan.
Artemis decided he would try and capture, as opposed to deter, this menace. If he caught him, he could sue the bogeyman for emotional trauma, which would help pay for that new computer he wanted. Well, maybe not sue, Artemis wasn't sure if bogeymen had much money.
The first step to devising any sort of capture device was, of course, to research the topic. Finding very little in the Fowl Manor library, Artemis turned to his computer. The Fowl family had, of course, the fastest internet available. Artemis was quick to pull up accounts of many separate bogeyman encounters. Hundreds of them, in fact, each telling a different story. Realizing how long it would take to analyze them all individually, he was quick to write up a short program to bring up key words that indicated the bogeyman's weaknesses.
"Sunlight and loving parents," read Artemis from his computer screen. This was of no use to him. Sunlight, apparently, turned bogeymen to dust, and parents drove them into hiding. Artemis wanted to capture the monster, not scare it off or kill it, so neither of these weaknesses would be of any use.
Without anything to use to his advantage, Artemis realized this would be more difficult than he had originally thought. He would need a cage, under his bed, with a retractable base and wheels to cart it out… ideas forming rapidly, Artemis took out some paper and a mechanical pencil, and began to sketch out his plans.
"And what are we drawing this time?" cooed Artemis' nanny cheerfully, as she peered into the boy's playroom to check up on her young charge.
"A reproduction of Arthur Rackham's 'Fair Helena', although with the materials you've supplied me with it's not liable to fool anyone" Artemis replied. His nanny took a step backwards, her cheerful smile fading.
"Now, Artemis, we've already talked about this," she said with obvious concern, "copying peoples art is against the rules of the country, and I'm sure your father wouldn-"
"I was being sarcastic" interrupted Artemis, visibly annoyed. "I am doing nothing illegal. Indeed, I am attempting to capture a wanted criminal. I would appreciate it if I could be left alone."
His nanny smiled that coy little smile of an adult watching a child play an imaginary game. "All right then, Artemis, you just be good and catch that bad guy before he causes any more trouble." She said, backing out of the play room and closing the door behind her. Artemis sighed in irritation.
It only took the clever four and a half (almost five!) year old half an hour to finish his plans. It was an ingenious device, although the crayola crayon that had been used to draw the blueprints somewhat deterred from its majesty.
After rechecking his work (it never paid to be arrogant), Artemis set about gathering materials for his trap. The computer components would be no trouble- Artemis had been meaning to get a new laptop and the old one would go to such a good cause. The physical components of the trap, however, would require a bit more effort.
Artemis paced back and fourth across his cluttered playroom, his mind racing as he struggled to find some way to construct a steel cage without outside help. After a good ten minutes of thought, he gave in. Even he was not invincible, and there was a time when outside help became necessary.
Walking to the door, Artemis opened it slowly. Standing outside, tall and emotionless as usual, Butler turned instinctively towards the sound.
"Butler, I believe I may require your assistance on a project I am working on" said Artemis, looking up at his bodyguard. "I'm attempting to construct a cage, and have found myself incapable of acquiring and assembling the physical components. I would also appreciate it if you would check my wiring, I have very little practical experience with this sort of thing."
"Of course, Master Fowl," replied Butler with a tiny smile. He couldn't help it, his four year old charge speaking of such complex matters was always an interesting part of his job. "What sort of parts will you be needing?" he continued, glancing at the neatly creased paper Artemis held in one hand.
"I've a list here," said Artemis, handing over the paper, "nothing exotic, if I had a phone of my own I would have been able to acquire them myself."
"May I ask what the cage is to hold, Master Fowl?" asked Butler respectfully, indicating it would help him select the most appropriate materials.
"I am attempting to capture the bogeyman" replied Artemis matter-of-factly.
With Butler's help, construction went quickly. By nightfall, the cage was finished and in place. It was, of course, a brilliant design. The cage was as a small metal frame around the bed, from which sprung thin, but very strong metal bars when Artemis pressed a button on his control box. Then a thin sheet of metal came out to cover the floor, so the bogeyman couldn't escape. Artemis tested his trap a few times, then pushed it into place under the bed, and went to sleep.
In the middle of the night, Artemis was awoken by a loud noise coming from underneath his bed. "Who's there?" asked Artemis, still half-asleep.
"Who do you think I am?" asked the voice beneath the bed.
"The bogeyman" Artemis replied, reaching for the control box and pressing the appropriate button. Snap, clang, the bars came into place and the cage was sealed. Artemis leapt eagerly out of bed to examine his catch.
The creature in his trap was hairy and slimy and smelly and green and very confused. "At least those silly stories were accurate" said Artemis, peering in at the creature. "Come to think of it, bogeymen must be pretty rare. I could probably sell you to a private collector instead of suing you for emotional trauma."
"Wait!" said the bogeyman. "Don't do that, I can help you! I read the future, you know. That's how I know when a kid is going to grow up and be bad!"
"The future?" asked Artemis, skeptical.
"Well, not everything, but there's some trouble coming up for you that you might want t'know about, you know" said the bogeyman. "If you just let me out of this cage, I'll tell you all about it!"
"How can I trust you?" asked Artemis.
"I swear on all my magic, honest!" said the bogeyman. Artemis thought about this for a while, then nodded, and pressed a button on his control box.
"Hah!" cried the bogeyman, springing out as the cage retracted. "Silly mudboy, I knew you'd make a mistake!"
"If you don't keep your word, there's a six foot ten Butler outside who'll come the moment there's trouble," said Fowl coldly.
"Touchy, mudboy. Very well, I'll tell you your fortune. You will grow up, at least a little bit, and become every bit the evil genius I'm trying to spare the world. Despite your brilliance, your family will suffer, but your father won't die when he disappears the first time. You've got the fairy's curse, kid, gold will be your downfall."
Artemis listened, looking nervous. His family would suffer? He would have to do something about that, surely. The bogeyman laughed. "Of course, I didn't say you'd get t'keep your fortune, did I mudbrat? Sleep, kid, sleep and forget." Artemis had never seen or heard of mesmer before, so there was no chance for him to resist.
The bogeyman reached down to pick up the young Artemis and carry him away, but then he stopped. It took a rare sort of mind to trust in magic. Most mudmen were naturally scared of any sort of fairy folk, but this kid... he really did have the fairy's curse for gold, but maybe there was a bit more fairy to him than that. Haven was bound to be discovered eventually, and there might be worse people to do it than Artemis, even if he was only a kid.
"Very well, kid, rest up" said the bogeyman, putting Artemis back down. "You've got a big life ahead of you. LEP ain't gonna like it, but maybe it's time they had a real challenge. Give 'em a run for their gold, Fowl, and we'll see what they give back."
Author's Notes: This is the first version of this story I have posted online, so it may contain errors. If you find one or two, please post them in a review. If you find more than that, and are willing to take the time, please send them to me via email. I hope you have enjoyed the story.