Author's note: Rated PG-13 for character death. I don't own Dynasty Warriors or it's characters, and the information contained within this document is purely fictional.
My dearest brother,
By the time you recieve this letter, I will be dead. You might be wondering, at this point, whether or not my death has been accidental or intentional, at my hand or at another's. Allow me to put aside your worries and doubts and tell you the truth: this was entirely of my choosing. I choose to follow my husband into death.
I guess that you'd like to know the reason why I'll be leaving you (and, by the time you've read this, left). The explanation is long and complicated. I cannot sum it up in a few words; I cannot tell you why in just a few sentences. I know that you don't hesitate from letters, brother, but I'm afraid that even with a long letter, this won't make sense to you. I have a hard time explaining, but I will do my best.
Love's a funny thing, bro; it can make you feel happy one second, and then make you despair the next. It takes over the senses….it consumes your very being. The scary thing is, you don't mind being taken over, brother. You go along for so long without it, and then the moment you have it, you can't live without it. And I'm afraid that I am in love, completely and utterly in love. With Lord Liu Bei.
I imagine that might be a bit of a shock to you, but it is better to have it out in the open now. We are both dead now, and secrets can no longer hurt us. I expect you won't tell the rest of Wu, and I don't expect you to. This letter is meant for your eyes only, my brother.
I know that you didn't imagine I would ever fall in love with him. I know you used me as a chess piece in your game; by marrying me, you had bonded Shu and Wu through marriage. (And established an important link to the validity of your claims for the throne – don't think I didn't pay attention in my studies, brother, just because I wasn't so keen on books as you!). You didn't plan to keep me in their clutches long,but you still planned to hand me over to Lord Liu Bei, and Shu. I was very scared, brother, when I was told of my fate. I knew you had done what was right for Wu, so I did not blame you, but it did not relieve my fear.
All my life I had been told that Shu were weak pretenders to the throne…That lord Liu Bei was stirring the people in a pointless rebellion. I'd heard Shu was full of nothing but trouble makers and miscreants. In the beginning, the very idea of joining them was terrifying, and I was not certain I could survive in the company of those who had dedicated their lives to Shu.
And yet, those fears died as Lord Liu Bei and I made our journey first back to Shu's camp, and then on to their capital, Cheng Du. Lord Liu Bei was a kind man, brother. He sympathized with me andhe shared my hope that someday all of China would be united. He was an idealist, yes, and somewhat blind to people's bad qualities, but he was a lovely man and a lovely husband. In time, I came to love him.
That love extended to the rest of the Shu camp as well. Truly, they were just as much a family as we of the Sun family, save that they were not related by blood. All of the generals took it upon themselves to make me feel at home. I began to see myself not as an unwilling captive of Shu, but rather, a part of Shu; yet, at the same time, I was of Wu, and still saw myself as a part of Wu. I could not shift loyalties – I would never betray my own blood, brother – so I told myself that I was both Wu and Shu; as you know, we were allied at the time.
Then, one day, I received word our mother was sick, and wished to see Lui Chan and me. The road was dangerous, but I could not dream of abandoning my mother. Eventually, I managed to convince Lord Liu Bei to allow me to go, but he would not let me go alone – Zhao Yun was to accompany me. I agreed, and we set off towards Jiang Dong. We traveled many nights and days; the journey was perilous and yet I was afraid to rest more than necessary, for fear that mother may pass on before I was able to get to her.
But once we arrived at the border of Wu territory, I knew that something was not right. The people were not acting as if the lady Wu were ill; I did not have much exposure with the common man but I knew that when our grandmother was dying, when we rode into the streets we would see people wailing and praying for her. My mother was just as well liked as my grandmother, so why would they not wail for mother? I gave Zhao Yun Liu Chan and told him to wait for five days and five nights at the border. If I had not dispatched a messenger from Jiang Dong by then, I told him to turn and run back to Shu territory as fast as he could, as there was a high chance it was a trap.
I was correct, of course. Once I arrived at the palace, I found mother in perfectly good health. You apologized for tricking me, but you would not hear of me returning to the Shu camp. Truth be told, I was not completely unhappy with your decision, brother. I was content here in Wu. I missed Wu while I was with Shu; though Lord Liu Bei and his subjects had been kind, he could not replace Jiang Dong and my family. Funnily enough, though, brother, when I returned to Jiang Dong, I found that I missed Cheng Du and it's inhabitants. Once again, I fought with myself – Am I Shu, or am I Wu? Both? Neither? I did not know the answer, andthe indecisionfilled me with dread and agony.
Did Lord Lui Bei ever try to rescue me? I don't know. By then the goodwill between Shu and Wu had evaporated, and no Shu messenger could reach Wu, and visa versa. I would like to imagine he did, but maybe he didn't, or he couldn't. Maybe he assumed I was better off here. Maybe he forgot all about me. But I don't like to dwell on that; I could not and cannotread his thoughts.
I do know that I loved him. And I believe he loved me. I could write to you all the reasons why I believe this, brother, but in the end, I do not believe you would be convinced – love if something often unbelievable to all except those whom it affects. Beyond that, the sun looms low over the horizon and I don't have much time left. My handmaidens will be here soon, and I do not intend to drag them to the grave with me. (For I know, no matter how much they respect my wishes, they would try to stop me. But I, brother, will not be stopped.)
As I was saying, no communications could pass between Shu and Wu by then. But I'd still get news of my husband on the battlefield from the soldiers returning from battle. I was often relieved by this news; I would hear that my husband was still alive and fighting, that Shu still lived to fight another day. Though I wished desperately for the triumph of Wu, I wished just as hard for Shu to prosper. I know I am a traitor, brother, for wishing this, and I pray you forgive me. Know that I love these lands as fiercely as the tigress loves her cubs.
I knew I couldn't keep living on the edge like this – I knew eventually one of our forces had to emerge triumphant. And today, I find myself dropping over the edge. Lord Liu Bei, I was informed this morning, has perished.
Wu celebrates. I hear the parades in the streets, the chants that another enemy is vanquished – for surely, without Lord Liu Bei, Shu will fall. Even the great strategies of Zhuge Liang can not hold Shu forever. I should be happy – my people have won. And yet, I cannot celebrate Lord Liu Bei's death – for I mourn for the husband I have lost. And I cannot mourn my family's triumph – for I wish for the prosperity of my family. Once again, I am thrown into a quandary, brother – am I of Wu, land of my family? Or am I of Shu, the land of my husband? How can I feel loyalty to Wu, yet not rejoice at my enemy's death? How can I feel loyalty to Shu, yet hope for victory of Wu?
I believe I have found the answer to my questions, brother.You see, I have come to the decision brother, that I am of bothandof neither at once. I cannot exist – for nothing can be both all and nothing at the same time.That is why I must do that which I will do. This will be my final act, but I don't fear death – I have lived a full life, and I am glad of that. My one regret is that I will not see you to the end. But I'm not worried about your destiny, btoher – for I know that the heavens are shining on you ; you will lead the Sun family to greatness. I only ask that you take pity on the remains of Shu – they are better people than you think.
Well, it looks like my time is almost up, brother, so I better get going. I will leave this letter for you upon the grass, so that when the handmaidens come, they can take it to you. Know that I love you, brother, and from now until forever, I will always be
Your sis,
Sun Shang Xiang
Written for 15minuteficlet word#82: Consumed. Total time: 15 minutes and 30 seconds.
This is my first fanfic and I'm very anxious to hear what your thoughts on it - good, bad, indifferent, or even avacado-flavored - so please review.