Disclaimer: All characters contained in this tale are copyright DC Comics.
inferiors
Merryman was not a merry man.
"I'm not wearing these," he moaned as he looked down at his feet and saw two Scooby Doo heads staring back at him.
"But you've got to wear something," reasoned Awkwardman. "Your boots are worn out after all the walking we've been doing."
"I hate novelty slippers," muttered Merryman, under his breath, as the five continued on their arduous journey through the Escherian labyrinth that was Doctor Fate's tower.
It was Merryman's fault that they were all there. It had been his idea right from the beginning. He'd wanted to improve the Inferior 5, the superiority challenged superhero team of which he was the leader, and had decided to seek help from Doctor Fate. It seemed a good plan at first, but the Doctor wasn't in when they called, so they'd let themselves in and thereafter become hopelessly lost. That was back in the 1960s. Since then, they'd been exploring Fate's tower, getting more and more lost. Occasionally they thought they'd got out, and bumped into Animal Man or Angel and The Ape, but, sadly, it would all turn out to be a mirage and they'd find themselves wandering aimlessly again.
As they walked along the golden floor (pushing their way past The Enchantress and Beppo who were also lost there) Merryman looked at his companions: the intellectually challenged Dumb Bunny, the cowardly White Feather and the clumsy Awkwardman. Behind them flew the slow, round hero known as the Blimp – how he wished he had the speed to dart in front of them rather than always being stuck at the back.
They were stuck in limbo and Merryman suspected they would be there forever, but then he noticed something in the distance, something golden.
"Look, over there," he shouted, pointing in the direction of the golden something.
Suddenly, the Inferior 5 were filled with excitement and started to run forwards, leaving the Blimp further and further behind. As they got closer they realized it was a figure and, as they got closer still, they realized it was Doctor Fate. Finally they reached him.
Doctor Fate stood there in his golden helmet with his cape wrapped round his body.
"I am the great Fate. Who dares invade my tower?" he proclaimed in a thunderous voice.
While Dumb Bunny held on to White Feather to prevent his running away, and while The Blimp finally caught up with them, Merryman told Fate the reason for their visit.
"We've come for your help, great Fate," started Merryman.
"I want some brains," continued Dumb Bunny.
"And I w-w-want some courage," added White Feather.
"And I want to dart," concluded The Blimp.
"And what about you two," asked Doctor Fate, looking at Merryman and Awkwardman.
"We'd just be happy to get home," replied Merryman. "Isn't that ri-"
And at that moment Awkwardman, stepping forward to agree with Merryman, tripped over his cape, and started to fall over. Fortunately he managed to grab hold of something before he hit the floor. Unfortunately it was Doctor Fate's cape.
Doctor Fate was dragged down and his helmet rolled off, revealing a white haired old man underneath.
"That's not Doctor Fate," cried out Merryman, recognizing the imposter. "That's Uncle Marvel."
"Wow, cool trick," exclaimed an impressed Dumb Bunny, amazed at Doctor Fate's transformation.
"No, he's a fake," explained White Feather.
"He's not the real Uncle Marvel?" asked a confused Dumb Bunny.
"No, I am the real Uncle Marvel," explained Uncle Marvel. "I was visiting Dr. Fate with Captain Marvel but got lost on my way to the cloakroom. I've been stuck here in this limbo ever since. This Fate get-up was just a spare costume I found lying around."
"Great, you find a cool Dr. Fate costume and all I find is these lousy slippers," lamented Merryman.
"Does that mean we're not getting our wishes?" asked Dumb Bunny despondently.
"Not necessarily," announced Uncle Marvel with a smile on his face. "You'll be surprised what I've found out while I've been here. First of all, I have to ask if you really want me to grant your wishes. At the moment you're a dysfunctional teen superhero group. When you came in here that may have been a problem, whereas now it's almost compulsory. Are you sure you want to change? Do you really want to lose the qualities that makes you stand out?"
Five heads nodded as one.
"Very well, then," replied Uncle Marvel. "But first of all there's something I need to tell you." He paused for a moment, considering whether to continue, but they had to be told. "You're not real. You're comic book characters."
Whilst the others were shocked and stunned by this news (and White Feather more than a little scared), Dumb Bunny was thrilled. "Cool. Which ones?"
Uncle Marvel ignored her question, instead pulling out a top hat that he'd also found lying around Fate's Tower. "First, we'll deal with Dumb Bunny," he said, as he plunged his hand into the top hat and rummaged around. "Aah, here they are. Tons of them, left over from the '80s," he declared as he pulled out some flat objects with writing on them.
"What are they?" asked Dumb Bunny. "Some diplomas enabling me to misquote Pythagoras' theorem?"
"Even better than that, child. They're called thought balloons and in days of yore comic book characters used to use them to show readers what they were thinking. Here you are, try them."
Taking the thought balloons pensively, she lifted one above her head. "Managed to convince Lois I'm not Superman and divert Brainiac's threat with seconds to spare," she thought (albeit in capital letters with an excess of exclamation marks).
"Wow, that didn't make any sense to me, so it must be intelligent," reasoned Dumb Bunny and gave Uncle Marvel a big hug.
As Uncle Marvel groaned, on account of his newly-fractured ribs, he turned his attention to White Feather. "So what's your problem again?"
"W-well, I'm a coward," confessed the cowardly White Feather. "I always want to hide from the bad guys."
"That's nothing to worry about – in fact it's the only sane response. Your parents threw you into a life-threatening occupation that you're clearly not equipped to handle so it's only natural to be a bit scared. The problem's not with your cowardice – it's with your image."
White Feather looked confused (and, of course, scared).
Uncle Marvel continued. "Use your cowardice and hiding abilities to your advantage. You'll no longer be White Feather, but rather Dark Feather, the stealth archer, hiding in the shadows."
"But I'll still be a coward?"
"Don't think of it as cowardice, but as a heightened survival instinct."
"I'm Dark Feather," announced the newly-christened Dark Feather proudly, as he hid from everybody.
"Of course with a name like that you may end up turning evil a couple of years down the road and killing your team-mates," warned Uncle Marvel, "but, hey, who cares."
"So, it's just me now, I guess," said the Blimp, as he wobbled forwards. "Please don't put me on a diet. They never work."
"There's no problem with your fuller figure, friend. All you need are these …" And then Uncle Marvel produced a set of horizontal lines from the top hat.
"They're just lines?"
"They're speed lines. Hold them behind you."
The Blimp took the lines and held them behind him. "Well, it kind of looks fast but something's missing."
"Here, take this as well," shouted Uncle Marvel, as he tried to be overheard above the large letters spelling WHOOSH! that he'd just thrown to The Blimp.
Everyone was impressed.
"I'm impressed," thought The Blimp.
"Gee, that's not bad," thought Merryman.
"The Dark Feather is impressed," thought The Dark Feather.
"That's amazing," thought Awkwardman.
"Aargh, red kryptonite changing me … transforming me," thought Dumb Bunny.
"So, that's everyone sorted out," proclaimed a very-pleased-with-himself Uncle Marvel.
"But we've still got to get home," moaned Awkwardman.
Uncle Marvel shook his head. "Can't help you there, kids."
Merryman looked down despondently at the floor and then saw something. "Of course, all of these Wizard Of Oz references - I know what to do."
A smile came to his face as he looked at his friends. "Hold my hands. All of you," he commanded, and once his puzzled team-mates, along with Uncle Marvel, had all grabbed his hands, Merryman closed his eyes and tapped the heels of his Scooby slippers together three times.
"There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no -"
Merryman opened his eyes, and found himself lying down in a place that was no place like home. He looked around at the concerned people looking back at him.
"I just had the strangest dream. Like a really bad parody of the Wizard of Oz. You were there, Awkwardman, and you, Dumb Bunny, and you, White Feather, and you, Blimp, and you too, Uncle Dudley, but you were calling yourself Uncle Marvel and wearing a Captain Marvel costume."
"Me in a Captain Marvel outfit," laughed an incredulous Uncle Dudley. "Not on this Earth."
"And we were all comic book characters," continued Merryman.
"Cool. Which ones?" asked Dumb Bunny.
Ignoring her question with practiced ease, Merryman looked around him. "So where is this place?"
At which point Abigail Hunkel entered the room. "So, kid, you've recovered from accidentally running into me earlier. You must have been unconscious for nearly an hour"
"Yes, but he doesn't remember anything," explained Uncle Dudley, and then turned back to Merryman and started telling him more details than he really needed to hear. "You were here helping us renovate this old house to use as a soup kitchen. A mother and her two sons vacated it back in the '70s convinced it was unsafe. Anyway we've decorated it all and put an extra strong support beam in the centre of the room, so it looks like our work here is done. Time to go home."
"Oh, Uncle M, there's no place like home."
"It's Uncle D – maybe you should pop by the hospital first."
"Hopefully that's the end of the Wizard Of Oz references," groaned Awkwardman as he leant just a little too heavily against the support in the centre of the room.
And then the house fell on them.
Plop!
THE END