As I leave Grissom's office I see him standing there waiting for me to come out. Any other day I would have been irritated; any other day I would have given him hell over this, but not today.
I can see the fear in his eyes and I hate I can do that to him, because I know how he is feeling. I know it so well. Up until this relationship with Nick all my relationships with men or with people in general have been unhealthy and one-sided. I think it is a congenital disorder.
I smile at him, not knowing what else to do. I hope it is enough, because it is all I can give him right now. The conversation with Grissom has drained all my energy.
He follows me to the break room. I can feel him standing behind me hesitating about his next move when I feel him come closer. He abruptly turns me around and pulls me into an intimate embrace. We shouldn't be doing this, not now and not here, but it feels so good. I can't let go of him not even if I wanted to. Apparently my body decided to ignore the instructions my brain is giving, but then again the human body is programmed to try to survive under all circumstances. I guess the conversation with Grissom has activated a negative feedback loop which leads to an incapacity to let go of Nick.
Catherine inactivates it when she walks into the break room. She raises an eye brow. I guess that means the number of times we will have to explain this has just been reduced by one. I can't really figure out what she is thinking right now. Her face doesn't give away what she is feeling. I know her loyalty lies with Grissom, but I'm sure she cares enough for us, or at least Nick, to be happy for us. When a small smile appears on her face it feels like an huge weight has been lifted off of me. I never realized I cared so much what Catherine would think about us, me or this relationship. It proves once again how much I have changed, how much having Nick in my life has changed me. I still have to decide if this is a good change though, because I have learnt the hard way that caring what someone thinks about you isn't necessarily a good thing. Maybe it is not as much that I care what others think but just a relief we don't have to live a lie anymore.
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Maybe Sara's idea wasn't that irrational, because it is feeling pretty good being able to hold her in the break room not caring if anyone walks in on us. I still let go of her when Catherine walks in. It's a matter of habit. I guess Greg is the only one we still have to tell in person (I'm sure he will fill in the rest of the lab). I think Sara has to be the one to do that. She will have to let the guy down easy, since he has had a crush on her since day one. I know Rick has had his suspicions. Finding Sara at my house on numerous occasions and her answering my cell phone by accident gave away the secret pretty early on in our relationship. He has been a great friend, he never pushed me or her on the subject. He knows how difficult this situation must be for us.
I try not to think about walking into Grissom anytime soon. I think our relationship will have to find a new equilibrium. I'm not sure what he thinks about me. I don't think I ever knew what the exact status was of our relationship. When he recommended me for the promotion I wondered if he did so because he thought I was the best person for the job or if he was afraid what people would say when he would recommend Sara. I stopped wondering what he thought about me around the same time I started to wonder what Sara thought of me.
Her feelings for me are important. Nothing else. While this thought pops up I realize it doesn't matter when I walk into Grissom or how our relationship will be affected by this. As long as I have her and the way she is still holding my hand says I will for a long time, I will be alright. We will be alright. I never imagined life would turn out so good.
END