Fandom: Gravitation
Title: aitakatta.
Pairing: Hiro + Shuichi
Rating: PG
Description: Hiro thinks about the way things used to be…
Disclaimer - Murakami Maki-sama owns this title and the poem is mine.
The gnawing sadness
clouds my ears
until they're ringing.
I miss you more
than I miss my soul
and when I said goodbye
to my mind.
Thinking too much
there you are
with wide arms,
opened to catch me.
I fly
and I
know
you aren't really there.
I have to pretend.
I have to make-believe
you're still here
With me.
For never.
aitakatta. (I miss you.)
By miyamoto yui
I guess I've always known.
From the day that you ran up to me like a whirlwind for no particular reason, I found myself captivated in a strange way. Or was it that I was so shocked by your stupidity and afraid of you like the rest of the class? You asked me if I played the guitar because you heard a rumor and now you had to confirm it.
You idiot. You didn't have to smile at me as you fumbled around to find a pen in order to write my phone number. Instead, you found some white-out and put my number on the back of that synthesizer of yours so that you wouldn't forget it. I laughed thinking you were really a fool to talk to the top student that people admired, but never wanted to converse with. It wasn't the fact that I was anti-social, but people envied my rank or were too awed by my accomplishments thinking that they shouldn't talk to me because I'd think they were just dumb.
Then, why'd you come to me?
I always ran my fingers through my hair because I'd find myself reaching out to touch your hair. Then, you'd grin at me brightly and I'd want to hold on forever as the sun shined through the window as we were punished to clean the classroom from all the trouble you caused.
But you'd go on and write your songs while I ended up cleaning up everything.
But I'll never forget the time you undid your shirt and looked up to me when the sun was shining in. You sat on top of your desk and looked at me so deeply that I didn't know what to do with a Shuichi that wasn't in either extreme. This was the one who was too serious.
I didn't recognize this person except whenever he passionately devoted himself to his songs.
But you looked at me as if you saw through me. It scared me.
Maybe you saw something I didn't want you to see.
There were endless years spent being next to you while trying to protect you from anything that would hurt you. It came out of instinct. I had done that all my life. I did that for everyone except myself.
When you're the one that everyone looks at, you become so pressured that you learn to live to be so tense. And here you came to honestly shout at me to tell me how you felt about everything you experienced. You'd cry when you were hurt. You'd grin when you were pleased with something. You'd shake me back and forth to tell me when something exciting happened. You'd punch my chest lightly when things didn't work out as wonderfully as you imagined.
All I could do was hold your head and pull you closer to me. I'd kiss the top of your head and tell you, "We'll get it next time."
I would try not to cry myself. I was the strong one after all. There was no use for both of us sobbing. I was used to drinking all of the tears I cried when my family was so happy I'd make it to college and didn't particular care for my love for music. To my parents, it was 'superfluous'.
Then, there were the performances that we'd pull for the girls in our classes. Just to feed their appetites for two cute boys courting one another so they'd give us free stuff, we'd give 'em one hell of a show. I'd laugh it all off.
When did I start to mean them all, Shuichi?
It came to the point that I'd torture myself every day. I looked at you and thought of all the things my parents would shout at me if I ever said I found someone I knew I'd love for the rest of my damn life. I'd pound the wall in my room and cry with clenched fists. I'd sob into a pillow so that no one would hear me, even myself. I didn't want to hear myself in so much pain or what it meant to really cry.
I knew I was much better than to do that, but I was only human.
I was bound to fall some time. And that came with such a sweet upward curving of the lips.
I gave it much thought. I wanted to tell you how much of a good friend you were at first. I wanted to tell you how wonderful you were. I practiced in front of a mirror. I'd silently say things in my head when I smoked and looked up at the moon through my window.
I just wanted you to know how much I appreciated you, that's all.
But as the years went by, one day, I looked at myself in the morning. I was shaving with all the cream on my face. I shaved one side and I put the razor down into the sink. I found myself crying.
Then, those words I tried to find to say to you, they came out. They came out like a shock as I found it echoing long after the tile floor and walls stopped repeating the words I never thought I'd find myself telling you.
It made me feel happy and extremely terrified at the same time.
I thought of all the things that could happen, what would happen after them, and if I could handle it all.
There were too many things in the way. What would we do? What would I do if you told me yes? I'd runaway, wouldn't I? That's what happened when I got too attached to anything. It was easier to deal with things in that matter. That's why I did schoolwork well. There wasn't anything to tell you it'd like you or abhor you back. You just had to do it. No emotional impact whatsoever.
What would happen if you told me no? That would be great! It'd end there, wouldn't it? There was no more to think about. There would be an answer.
But what if you said yes…? Yes, I could push through it all.
Yes, as long as it was you. Because I wouldn't be alone anymore. There would be someone with me.
After all, when did I start thinking in terms of 'we'? Long before we became a band, I know.
And for the first time in my life, I thought that I'd deal with it on the spot. Whatever answer you would give me, I'd take it well. I wasn't going to plan anything.
I wouldn't run away anymore.
And so, instead of this letter I quickly wrote before I left my apartment, I wanted to say the words that came into my head.
I folded the notebook page and put it into my pocket. When I came to see you, I tried to find a way to have a private moment with you. But then, when I was frustrated and opened my mouth to speak, you said there was someone that said you were a zero talent and that your lyrics sucked.
I took a deep breath and smiled. I wanted to laugh at the irony as I saw you slip away from me so quickly without a way to fight back.
After all, I'm the strong Hiro, right?
I wasn't going to cry. I was much too mature for that now. I wasn't going to wail like a spoiled child.
"Then you go and tell him what you think!" I enthusiastically said as I slapped your back trying to support you as you looked at me with hurt and confused eyes. Then, you were angry in the next moment and I don't know what I said. It seemed to make sense as the gibberish came out of a fool's mouth.
You're so stupid, Hiro. Even when you lose, you still have to be the good guy.
Because…
Because I didn't want to lose what I had left of you.
From the way you talked, I saw how much it affected you. But you're so slow, Shuichi. I know you more than anyone. You love this person without knowing.
I know because that's how I've been. So I know exactly what's going on.
So I have to tell you to go with what you feel so you won't make the same mistake I did.
With you.
As he closed the door, I talked to Sakano for a bit and went riding on my bike. I didn't know how long it took for me to register that I was long gone in mind, time, and distance.
Crazy as it seemed, at first, I was happy I was rejected.
But bitter things kill you much later. They lay dormant and they'll make you turn to dust from the inside to reach to the outside of your skin. It'll continue to destroy you until it captures everything by eating you away.
That's why I'm at this exact same place by the railing. I'm parked somewhere near the beach with my helmet on my knee. I'm looking at the sunset as the waves crash loudly.
The same memories repeat in my head over and over. And we both make new ones whenever I see you.
It gets harder as the years go by. It gets harder when you hug me and I have to let you go all over again.
And I still smile for you.
Is it so that you won't forget me? Is it so that you won't hate me?
Maybe, it's because that's all I know how to do. And I'm making up for the smile that you won't ever give to me. It isn't meant for me anymore.
I'm still not ready to accept it. You are a part of me, Shuichi.
Just right now, you hugged me and told me that you'd never leave me.
But you lied to me.
You left me that day and I've never been able to make you look at me ever again. I have your past and I'll always be grateful for it even though we were never 'together'.
No matter how much I try to distract myself with different people, I end up comparing them to you in the end. And the love I've suppressed all of these years keeps coming out and bleeds within me.
Yes, I'll be your 'friend'. That's the only way I can still be with you in name. That's what I desperately hold onto even though I dream about you at night and think about you when certain songs or particular instances that pop up at me out of nowhere.
You haunt me and I wonder who could have possibly loved you more than me? I still can't see it. I won't even ask why it wasn't me. You're unpredictable. Telling me you only fell for girls until you met him…
Did you know how much I depended on you because you were much stronger than you thought? Did you know how much I looked up to you and that ability to tell everyone exactly what was happening in your heart and your head? Did you know that I've re-lived our moments together more than a google of times?
Did you know that I wrote songs to the people we used to be? Did you know how many times I've thought that I've accepted it? Did you know that it still hurts me even until now?
Of course not.
And that's more painful than everything else that I've had to face. I don't know if you even remember anything anymore, or the way we used to remember them together.
+/+/+/+/+/
I go into the studio and I start to jam on the guitar. You put your arms around my shoulders and place your cheek next to mine as we practice together with you singing. I nod my head solemnly as I try to absorb you and the time we're spending together in the midst of all the disorder that's around us.
Whenever I see you, I don't touch you. You're the one who always has to come up to me. I'm fearful of letting go even though there's nothing to keep.
I only have memories, but even those are starting to fade with time. I'm starting to learn the art of forgetting and I desperately scramble to grasp onto the pictures in my head with all my heart.
You're different then you were then.
And all I have are the memories of how we used to be.
I see you in front of me, but all I am in love with now is a memory.
But I still play on as if there's nothing wrong. That's how I am. That's what you taught me when you told me, "Hiro, why do you have to do all this?"
You picked up all the papers and assignments that were scattered on the floor because I threw them on the floor. I watched you as I sat on the floor while you slowly kneeled to pick them all up for me.
"I just have to."
Even though you're first born in your family, I was sure Maiko had to pick up the slack that you didn't do at home. And it's the same with me because my brother did what he wanted. I didn't want to hurt myself or anyone else to say I loved a guy and I want to become a musician. You couldn't understand that, Shuichi. Or at least that part.
"You think I don't understand, do you?" You turned your head to me with that serious look that I hated because I felt like you knew everything I tried to keep secret. I was the most vulnerable in between that space of time and between those deep eyes.
You stopped picking up the papers. "That I just go and do what I want without thinking of anyone else."
I slightly opened my mouth.
I hated it when he was so smart at the worst of times…
"But I do. Except, if what other people want of me and what I want don't match, then they don't matter. With everything you do, not everyone's going to be okay with it anyway. I've gotten to that point that it doesn't matter anymore." The tears in his eyes were so real as they fell onto my handouts when he looked away from me and down at the papers. "That's why you've gotta do what you want to."
Then, he wiped his own tears with the back of his hand as I watched him turn his head to look me with a hopeful smirk. "The best things in life don't ever make sense."
That's when I laughed. I looked at him as he came over to hug me.
And as I leaned my back on my bed, I stroked his hair and looked down at him as he took a small nap on my lap with his arms around me.
That's right.
If I was given the opportunity to do it all over again knowing how much it would hurt like this, I would smile through all the frustration, annoyances, and the infliction that grew deeper with time.
I would say I'd do it all over again.
There's nothing to regret. We didn't do anything wrong. It's hopeless to think any more of it because I did the best I could.
I continue to play as he holds me when we practice. We seem to end up recording that way and I forget everything around us. I drown myself in his warmth so that I can recall it when I'm alone.
I'm only living because I know you're here, Shuichi…
Before I know it, you unwrap yourself with the coldness settling outside and inside myself once more. Everyone says bye as I keep on practicing alone in the studio.
You're the last to leave as you kiss my forehead while patting my hair. I grin widely while I play on without stopping.
I play until my fingers bleed, forgetting that I can understand and feel pain at all until it washes back to suffocate me all over again. And I watch the door, replaying over and over the time that I opened my mouth and was about to tell you,
"I'm only going to tell you this once, because it's already hard for me to tell you.
But…
I really, really love you."
My fingers play as if they're not my own.
The tears that fall down don't feel like they're mine anymore.
Now, as all the old tears inside become more solidified within me, I realize that I was wrong. My hopeless wish was the ultimate thing I could never stomach:
We can never go back to the way we used to be.
But Shuichi, you made me into the truly strong and optimistic person I pretended to be all those years before you came.
Maybe you won't ever know that. Maybe you'll never think as much as I did about all this. And that's all right as long you're happy.
I can be too because you are.
That's why I continue to smile at you whenever I see you.
That's why I can bear being alone while I chase after the you that
no longer exists.
Achingly, I somewhat accept what this all means, but I know I don't want to get over it or I'll lose you completely.
My voice cracks in the silence,
"I miss you.
I really, really miss you."
Owari.
-
Author's note: I tortured myself by listening and learning the words to a song I shouldn't have. It makes me think of that person…And so I wrote this. I think I was barren from the statement in my last fic when Roy said, "How do I resurrect someone who isn't dead?!"
But I'm glad I made this. Even though it doesn't resolve anything, even though I'll continue to write about that person, even though I'll continue to fight losing those memories, I wanted to at least capture it here. So, thank you so much for reading this particular piece and hearing the feelings that I can't express or describe to anyone aloud and even understand myself. Ironically, I named this after the first thing Shizuka says to Rui (hana yori dango) in episode 4 when she sees him. And Rui was what that person was to me.
In the volume when Shuichi leaves to hug Yuki (Volume 11?), Hiro's head hangs. And through this fic, I hope it conveyed how much I thoroughly love Hiro.
Love always,
Yui
December 4, 2004, 3:49 AM