"Well, if it had been me, after I'd made sure that he was over the effects of that Sandaran Cocktail, I think I'd kick his ass!" Her feisty words were laced with humor and Daniel couldn't help but smile at the image of Sam Carter giving Jack O'Neill the what-for! "I mean alien drugs or not, he could have at least picked PX3-071 – now that was a planet that a girl wouldn't mind waking up to!"

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Ch 10: DEFINING HERO

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Back on P8X-539

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The first few days had actually passed very quickly, Sam reflected. They had the campsite to build. Something fairly sturdy and weather resistant, because they were most likely going to spend a long time here.

They worked well together, falling into patterns developed over more than 8 years of working in the field side-by-side. Fires were maintained, meals cooked, the shelter worked on, etc. They split the night into two basic watches with the General taking the first and she with the second.

Sam's feet were healing quickly because they had all the proper medical supplies. Her ribs were still sore, but only time could heal that. O'Neill watched her carefully and stepped in any time he saw her reach for something too heavy or awkward that might strain her abdominal muscles and/or ribs. Like all members of SG-1, she quickly grew weary of, and had little tolerance for, such types of 'mothering'. Especially when afterwards, he would take the earliest opportunity to place as much distance between them as he could.

She consoled herself with the fact that he hadn't insisted that she tie him up at night or some such. That would not have worked anyway, because it would have left him defenseless... which would have required that she stay awake to protect both of them if something hostile approached or attacked their camp. And they both needed sleep.

She didn't think he got much sleep though. She had a feeling that he was afraid to go to sleep... that he was afraid that his subconscious would take over and do something to her. She was getting to the point of considering slipping sleeping pills into his dinner.

As the days passed, her mind often wandered to his tale of the events on Sandara and how the two of them had ended up stranded here. A part of her was flattered, because he'd come across the galaxy for her and then had brought the two of them someplace secluded to live together. Highly romantic. The stuff of grand-scale legends and tales handed down through the ages.

But the realistic side of her knew that he'd been under the influence of an alien drug at the time and that she couldn't hold him responsible for his actions. Any more than she'd been held responsible for when she'd jumped him in the locker room when she had the Touched virus.

For her, she knew that that episode had revealed a part of her that she strove to keep hidden. Thankfully, Janet had diagnosed her choice of him as due to his being the 'Alpha Male'... Sam was forever grateful that Janet hadn't said something like, 'Well, gee, maybe the Captain has a crush on you Colonel!' But Janet had always been more professional than that.

Sam acknowledged to herself that she had had a crush on the strong, virile Colonel Jack O'Neill when she'd been a fresh-faced Captain. And then, over the years, the four members had all developed the deep-comradeship that often grows between special-forces types of teammates. She had a deep and abiding love for all three of the men of SG-1. She'd come any time that they needed. Drop whatever she was doing, if they asked. She'd sacrifice her life for any of theirs. As she knew that they would for her.

Teal'c was a solid, comforting force; a protector. Like a strong, sage uncle.

Daniel was like a brother. A kindred spirit intellectually.

General O'Neill. With this man she had struggled to define her feelings. She'd had a crush on him and she'd struggled to keep it hidden. No one was going to be impressed with a female Air Force officer who was ga-ga over her immediate male superior. And over the years, her feelings had morphed, grown deeper, and become more difficult to define. She'd come to trust and respect his leadership and direction.

And yet, there was something more there than just the deep-friendship and loyalty for a teammate. No, she felt something more. Not the crush, no that had metamorphosed into true hero-worship. She truly did see Jack O'Neill as a hero. He'd saved the world repeatedly, and at great personal risk and cost. He would always set himself in the line of fire in order to sacrifice himself to save the others.

So, she had the crush, which had merged and morphed with her feelings for him as her teammate and superior... all mixed into and with Jack O'Neill, The Hero.

Once she'd recognized these feelings, she was a bit embarrassed when she reflected on some of her actions in the past. She couldn't believe that others hadn't picked up on her feelings. She tried to be the consummate professional air force officer, but she knew that Sam Carter's feelings and personality poked through more often than she intended.

One of the first glaring instances was when she'd gone back into Hathor's mock-SGC set-up... ostensibly to set charges to take down the power/control source for the forcefield... but she'd stopped by... to check on the Colonel... who they all thought had been Goa'ulded... Yes, her feelings for him had shown through clearly that time. All had ended well as a Tokra operative had saved the Colonel by using the cryogenic pit to kill the Goa'uld before it could properly blend with him.

But the three months when he'd been on Edora had been the epitome of what she now recognized and understood about herself and her feelings for him. She had worked non-stop to develop previously unknown technology to bring him home. To live up to the credo 'No One Is Left Behind.' She'd worked harder and longer, and pulled out more small miracles of physics, than she ever had on any project in her life. Because she was doing it for him.

And she knew now, looking back with the eyes of experience, that it had been obvious to those around her. It was undoubtedly obvious to Janet, Daniel and Teal'c... and probably General Hammond, as well. At the time, she hadn't thought about how her actions would reveal her feelings. She'd been too wrapped up in her goals. To reach him and bring him home.

And then they'd done it. Gotten through to him. To discover that he'd moved on... he'd given up. And he'd found someone to love. Someone who loved him.

Sam would never forget the scene at the Edoran Stargate as they'd come to greet him, the words still echoed in her ears and she knew that she'd never forget them.

"You must be very happy to be going home," Laira commented.
"No, I'm not," O'Neill returned and his tone of voice emphasized his words.
"You don't have to...," Laira offered.
"Come with me...," he countered with.
"I belong here," she gently turned down his offer.

And he'd come home to Earth with them. As was his duty.
On Edora, he'd found that simple life that he seemed to want.
And they'd dragged him away from it.
He'd retired before and the Air Force had called him back, and he'd answered.
Just as he did when he left Edora. He did his duty.

She'd never worked so hard for something, for someone..., succeeded in her efforts... only to have it end so sadly. Her heart had ached at realizing that he had found someone to love. She knew that she couldn't have him, but she still felt jealous.

And sad. Sad that she'd taken away from him what he'd truly wanted.
That life on Edora with someone who loved him.
No wars, no Goa'uld, no weekly crises of galactic proportions...
Just a simple life with a woman he loved and who loved him.

-------

And then he'd gone on that horrid undercover mission within the NID. And, in true Jack O'Neill style, he'd played the part to the hilt. More words seared into her memory.

"Is there anything I can do, sir?" She tried to offer concern and support.

"About?" He'd returned abruptly.

"Well Sir, with respect, you aren't exactly acting like yourself," she was careful with the words... trying to stay away from anything that he might take the wrong way... but she had been totally unprepared for his response...

"No Carter. I haven't been acting like myself since I met you. Now I'm acting like myself."

His words still hurt. Even after the reason for his actions had been revealed... even after Maybourne and the others were sent off to jail. Even knowing that he'd been undercover.

She knew that she was letting her feelings show too much.
She knew that she had inappropriate feelings for her CO.
And she knew that she needed to 'get a grip' and move on.
She needed to act like the professional officer that she was purported to be.

But it wasn't easy.
Not when you have a crush on a hero.
Who had actually become more of a super-hero over the time that she'd known him.

- - - - - - - - - -

And then there'd been the Ancient armbands and that scene on the Goa'uld ship just before it blew. He'd refused to leave her, even though she was trapped behind that forcefield and the ship was going to blow any minute. At first, they'd both thought that his concern was the same that he would have shown for any of his team.

But when Anise had come around with her memory recall devices and that infernal Tokra lie detector... they'd both learned that things were much more complicated.

"I didn't leave ... because I'd have rather died myself ... than lose Carter," his spoke carefully.

"Why?" Anise had asked.

"Because I care about her ... A lot more than I'm supposed to," more carefully spoken words.

Sam knew that at that point in time, she and Colonel O'Neill had had feelings for each other that somehow went deeper than just colleagues or even comrades. But she really didn't know exactly what his words meant. They'd both ultimately passed the Tokra's Zatarc Detector... after admitting to having those deep feelings. But 'those' feelings hadn't been specified or explained. Not then, and not later.

She'd been the one to offer the idea that they leave their admissions of those feelings 'In That Room.' And how hard that had been. There was the off-chance that he really, truly felt deep, romantic love for her. But she didn't believe it. Not in her heart. Because he was Jack O'Neill, Superhero. The world needed him. Heck, the Galaxy needed him. Just ask the Asgard the next time they beamed him up!

But even now, some of her confused feelings for the man still surfaced... were still visible to those who were watching closely. She would jump to attention a bit too nervously after he was promoted to General. She didn't do that with other Generals... not General Hammond or General Vidrine, for example. Just with him. Just with General Jack O'Neill. With this man, she was still off-balance.

So, was she in love with him? Yes, but she had to be realistic. He was her superior officer and definitely off-limits. He was a world-wide and galactic hero and she was just lucky to have served with him. Did she love him? Yes, in some ways similar to how she loved Daniel and Teal'c... and in other ways, as the man she'd had a crush on, and as that larger-than-life Hero.

"For almost seven years she had placed her commanding officer on a pedestal with which she compared all men she met. But when she had been alone on the Prometheus suffering from a very bad concussion she had come to a realization. First and foremost was that he was on a pedestal, and he would have to remain there. He was something that she could admire but could never have" after Airam4u's fanfic 'Time To Think', Chapter 4

He was a hero. One who shouldn't be mired in petty court-martials because he had a female 2IC who had feelings for him. He deserved so much better than that. He'd always responded to his duty when called. Even when retired. He didn't deserve to have toads like Kinsey tear his life's work apart because of her.

She knew that she'd always be there for him if he asked for her help. She'd always hurt when he hurt and feel deeply for anything that affected his life. She would defend him against all who talked disparagingly about him. She would always strive to be the kind of officer and subordinate that he expected and needed.

But what about now? Stranded here, there was only the two of them.

As time passed, neither of them would have anyone but the other to turn to.

What would they do now?

There weren't any galaxy-wide crises to solve here. This was similar to Edora in that they would have to have a simple life... the kind of life that he seemed to yearn for.

No woman wants a man just because there were no other women to pick from. OK, maybe that wasn't true... maybe some women would be just fine with this scenario. But Sam Carter wasn't one of them. Sam Carter didn't have a large ego... she wasn't known for her vanity or self-absorption, but she also couldn't bring herself to accept a man's affections... because the male pitied her... or was simply desperate.

But time might change that. She already loved him in so many ways. It probably wouldn't take much for her to love him as a romantic partner too. And... if he reciprocated those feelings...

Shaking her head, she broke her train of thought. This was not getting her anywhere productive right now. If they were stranded on this planet long enough, the two of them were going to have to talk about some of it. She didn't know what the resolutions or answers would be, but she wasn't going to solve them today.

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TBC

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Author's Notes: Airam4u's fanfic 'Time To Think' can be found at wwwdotfanfictiondotnet/s/2052190/1/ - just replace the dots with periods.

And ongoing thanks to all who put the countless hours into the website SG-1 Yahoo Transcripts at wwwdotmoon-catchindotnet/transcripts.htm - again, replacing the dots with periods. I referenced the following transcripts while researching details for this chapter:
Episode 317 "A Hundred Days", Transcript by Sarae
Episode 318 "Shades of Grey", Transcript by LizzieAnne
Episode 405 "Divide and Conquer", Transcript by AQ

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