:: Where Do We Go From Here? ::
By: dreams-of-mist
Summary: Mamoru receives a letter that may change his whole world. Usagi finds it accidentally and confronts him. What will he choose: his dreams or his love?
Author's Note: Hello once again! It's been exactly one week since I've last updated and I apologize for it. I would've had this chapter up much earlier if it weren't for some issues. I've recently moved into my new university home and have spent the last 3 days desperately trying to get Internet set up. At this time, it's STILL not working and I'm actually accessing the Internet from the university campus network. Sad, isn't it? With any luck, my Internet will be up and running soon. Which brings up the topic of my next update – I don't know for sure when it'll be since school is starting soon. Hopefully, chapter 4 will be up within two weeks depending on how classes and workload go. FYI, I've already started on chapter 4 and it is half complete. Fingers crossed!!!
One more thing I wanted to mention in case anyone's confused: the so-called 'death of Mamoru's grandfather' and 'Mamoru's mountain retreat' was just the handy lie I made up for the story to help Mamoru and the rest of the Sailor Moon cast explain the reason for Mamoru's sudden disappearance off the face of the earth. When someone goes missing in the real world for months on end, someone's bound to notice eventually so I tried to put a little realism into the tale. No one's asked about it, but I thought I'd talk about it anyways.
Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon or any of the characters in the anime. To the people who do own the rights and trademarks, please don't sue me – I'm not only a poor, struggling university student, I'm also one so incompetent that setting up an Internet network is near impossible. Would a person like that really have come up with Sailor Moon? I think not! The story below, however, is mine, and I can only ask that no one plagiarizes it; but then again, who would?
'...' – thoughts
"..." – spoken
Where Do We Go From Here? – Chapter 3
"Where did you get that?"
It was all he could think to say, even though he knew it was a stupid question. Mamoru was too shocked to see the letter in Usagi's hand to do little more than stare wide-eyed.
Usagi was also having a tough time trying to compose herself.
'Damn! Why couldn't he have come back just a little later? I haven't had time to figure out what to do, what to say! Be calm Usagi, be calm. Don't let him see how anxious you are. Stay strong, stay focused.' She took a deep breath and said...
"I think you know where," she replied coolly, trying her best to sound in control. "In the second drawer on the right side of your desk. With the pens and pencils," she added as an afterthought.
"I see."
Both stood rigid facing each other across the living room that suddenly seemed entirely too small and suffocating.
Mamoru still too surprised and caught off guard to figure out what to say.
Usagi conflicted and confused, waiting for something, anything, to make things right again.
The silence dragged on, neither one having the courage to continue and shatter the moment. But soon it became unbearable for Usagi.
"Is that all you have to say? 'I see.'?" she blurted out.
Usagi's incredulous voice stirred Mamoru from his mindless stupor and suddenly he was pacing all over the apartment, unable to keep still. It was as if those brief moments of immobility had caused an excess of pent-up energy. He started moving everywhere: storing cups and bowls, putting away his books, hanging up his jacket.
Running away so he wouldn't have to face her; face this.
He needed to get out, to escape, and pretend this wasn't happening. He had never expected her to find the letter, hadn't anticipated the possibility that she would discover it. And now it was too late to secret the letter away somewhere less obvious, or better yet, destroy it before anyone saw it. But he would think of 'what ifs' later. Right now, somehow, he needed to make Usagi think the letter meant nothing to him.
"There's nothing more to say Usako. It's just a letter from some university in America. It's no big deal. Let's just forget about it and go out for dinner, okay? We can try that new restaurant that opened up on Juuban Crescent. I hear they have excellent deserts." He said this nonchalantly, trying to seem indifferent with the university topic and the situation. He tossed the answer over his shoulder while he put some old newspapers in the recycling box, giving the appearance of someone who was disinterested and bored.
But Usagi knew differently.
She nearly saw red at his obvious ploy to distract her with food.
'Not this time, Mamoru-baka, not this time,' she thought darkly, fighting the urge to go over to him and dole out some sailor senshi whoop-ass punishment in the name of the moon.
"No! It's not okay! How come you never mentioned this to me before? You had this letter for at least two weeks now."
"It wasn't important."
If possible, Usagi looked even more stunned at these words.
"Wasn't important? Wasn't important??? What do you take me for? Some sort of fool? I'm not an idiot Mamo-chan!" she yelled out, her mask of composure slowly chipping away.
"I didn't say you were!" he exclaimed defensively. Somehow, his efforts to distract Usagi from the letter had seriously backfired and if anything, she was more riled up than ever. 'Shit!'
"Well you obviously think it! And it's also incredibly obvious that this acceptance letter means more than you're saying. If it was really so insignificant to you, you wouldn't have purposely kept it hidden and you wouldn't have kept it a secret from me. Even I know Harvard isn't just 'some university'. It's one of the most prestigious universities in the world. And you couldn't even be bothered to let me know; which I guess shows me just how important I am to you. They're offering you a full scholarship into their medical program for goodness sakes – the one you got into last year but never attended because you were..."
Usagi couldn't finish and the sentence hung uncomfortably in the air between them.
She was flooded with memories, memories she had worked hard to push back and move past. But she knew she would never forget. The feelings of abandonment and disillusionment when she thought Mamoru had forgotten about her, hopelessness and despair as she slowly loss her friends and senshi one by one, and grief at the discovery that her prince had died – and she hadn't known, hadn't been by his side. She had lost the only man she had ever loved in two lifetimes; the only person who could make even the darkest days seem brighter somehow. She had failed him then.
She wouldn't again.
Mamoru was equally lost in the past. He could still remember clearly looking up at the cold, vacant, soulless eyes of Galaxia, knowing the horrors she would commit, knowing he didn't have the power or strength to stop her. In her golden eyes, he had seen his own death and the promise of death for all of Earth's people, the senshi, and of his beloved princess. He remembered how it felt to be dying; suffering not from the wounds or the pain, but from the knowledge that in mere moments, he would leave the only person he ever loved behind. The only woman who had ever gotten past his cold exterior to matter, to see the loneliness he hid from an often unforgiving world; to know him and still love him. Usagi was the only person he ever felt compelled to always touch, to hold, to simply be with everyday, even if it was just a brush of the hands or a brief moment to see her heart-shaped face. His soulmate. His heart - for he had long since given her that.
She was his heart. Always would be.
And no one could live without their heart.
The thought of losing that connection, that one thing that kept him from living a bleak existence, was agonizing and terrifying beyond belief. He hadn't protected her, hadn't guarded her as he should have. And she had almost paid the ultimate price because of his selfish desire to fulfill a foolish dream. A dream that put oceans and distance between them. He had failed her then.
He wouldn't again.
Both of them slowly recollected themselves, staring back at each other after making their own solemn promises.
"Are you going?" she asked gravely. Usagi tried to calm herself down once again before her frustration and her nerves started showing again. However, the brief walk down memory lane had unsettled her greatly. She felt even more off-balance than before and knew that Mamoru wouldn't give into her questioning that easily.
Mamoru looked into the eyes of his girlfriend, searching her face for signs of what she was feeling, hints for the answer she wanted to hear. But he couldn't see a thing; her face was an emotionless mask. There was a time when all her emotions were right on the surface and she was as open as a book. He used to know instantly if she was sad, happy, scared, or nervous. But the years of battles fought as Sailor Moon and Serenity had taught her hard lessons in composure and she had learned how to hide her thoughts and feelings when it suited her.
'She's not going to budge an inch. Neither will I.'
"No." It was a sharp, monosyllabic reply that ripped through the tension filled air.
"Is that all you have to say?"
"There's nothing else to say. I'm not going and that's it."
Disbelieving, Usagi's façade of self-control completely shattered.
"Aren't you even going to explain why? Don't you think I deserve to know? I'm your girlfriend you know, not just some stranger; shouldn't I have some say in this?"
"No Usako! Just let this go!" he exploded, aggravation and unease written clearly across his face, his body tense and rigid.
"Well tough for you!" she retorted equally fiercely, "I'm not just going to let this go. I'm not going to be someone you can let into your world whenever it suits you, to only be privy to certain parts of you you deem appropriate. I won't settle for bits and scraps of your life that you'll toss my way when you feel like it. I'm your girlfriend and I won't be kept in the dark. You've shut people out before, but I refuse to be one of them. I'm not leaving here until you explain to me exactly why you're not going to Harvard, the school of your dreams, and why you didn't tell me about this!"
Usagi's once blank eyes were now fierce, her face flushed from her heated words.
Looking at Usagi's intensely determined face, Mamoru felt trapped. He was cornered, forced into a defensive stance. And from these feelings of guilt and being trapped, anger and hate sprang and grew.
It made him attack blindly on whoever was convenient, whoever was around.
Usagi.
"Damn it Usako, I don't answer to you!" he yelled out viciously, slamming one of his textbooks down on the counter. "I'm not going to explain why and NO, you don't have any say in this. I don't have to consult you on every little decision I make – I'm not some child you need to coddle or fuss over. It's none of your damn business so just leave it alone! You shouldn't even have seen this letter. Is this what you do when I'm not around? Snoop around my place and invade my privacy? Is that it??"
The instant the words came out, he regretted it.
A small gasp escaped Usagi's trembling lips, her hands covering up her mouth in astonishment and hurt. She felt as if she had been physically beaten, too numb to do more than accept the pain Mamoru's words inflicted, blow by blow. Her blue eyes were now wide-eyed, frightened and scared. She had instantly gone deathly pale and suddenly looked much too frail, too innocent, and too vulnerable to face the miseries of the world, either as Serenity, Sailor Moon, or simply Usagi Tsukino.
"Usako..." Her name came out as a soft plea, begging for forgiveness. He was drowning in shame, wallowing in regret. He couldn't believe he had let the situation get so out of control, that such spiteful words had escaped his mouth in anger. "I'm so sorry my love, I shouldn't have said that." Mamoru's face now mirrored hers, except his eyes were filled with remorse and a different kind of fear.
He crossed the room, reaching out to hold her, just to touch her, and felt despair well up inside when she flinched and moved away from his outstretched arms. That one small move was more painful than if she had struck him. But it was her eyes that nearly felled him, that nearly brought him to his knees; they were filled with so much pain and hurt it destroyed him.
"Usako, oh my god, I'm so sorry. I was out of line; I didn't mean the things I said. Please, love, forgive me. I was wrong to lash out like that. You didn't do anything wrong. You were right, I should've told you, been honest right from the start."
And still, she continued staring at him as if she was looking at a stranger.
He couldn't stand it.
He had finally done it, driven away the only thing, the only person that ever really mattered. In the end, he really was going to be alone; and he had no one to blame but himself.
'Did you really think, Chiba,' his mind mocked, 'that after all the years of neglect, of detachment, of emotional pain and torment you've caused her, she'd still stay with you? Wake up you fool! You've finally made her turn tail and leave you; even she, the most forgiving soul alive, can only take so much abuse.'
Thinking this, Mamoru made his one last frantic plea, not for redemption, but for one more moment of paradise, one final taste of heaven before he was barred from its gates.
"If you can't forgive me, all I ask is that you let me hold you one last time before you walk out the door and leave me. That you go to the same park everyday so I'll always see you amongst the roses. And that you visit Motoki every afternoon so I'll bump into you and see your beautiful face." His voice was rough with emotion and filled with desperate longing.
"But I can't help myself; I have to ask one last time: can you forgive me Usako?"
:: end of chapter 3 ::
This chapter's over now! Hopefully, you liked it, enough to review. Or maybe you hated it so much that you'll point out all the things wrong with it. Reviews would be nice, even if it's to say why you don't like it. No flames please, but good constructive criticism would be great. Thanks for reading and I'll try to put out the next chapter ASAP! Ciao.
dreams-of-mist