:: Where Do We Go From Here? ::
By: dreams-of-mist
Summary: Mamoru receives a letter that may change his whole world. Usagi finds it accidentally and confronts him. What will he choose: his dreams or his love?
Author's Note: Hi y'all! It's been so long since I've updated and let me offer my deepest apologies for that. University classes started and before I knew it, I was swamped with readings and assignments. And let me tell you, all-nighters are not cool! I'm running extremely low on energy and I cannot wait for Thanksgiving. Yum...home cooked meals. In any case, here's chapter 4. Please enjoy!
Oh, one more thing! Thanks to CockyButtButt (interesting pen-name by the way) for giving me some really great constructive criticism about Usagi and Mamoru's characters. Yeah, the emotions I put them through were, while quite real in actual relationships, were definitely magnified to put them in super turmoil. And since this isn't an AU fic, it would be weird to mess with their personalities too much. However, I like them incredibly emotional in my fanfics so please bear with me! :) I hope this fourth instalment is to your liking.
Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon or any of the characters in the anime. To the people who do own the rights and trademarks, please don't sue me – I'm not only a poor, struggling university student, I'm also incredibly exhausted and living off of about 4 hours of sleep per night. Would a person like that really have had the energy or time to come up with Sailor Moon? I think not! The story below, however, is mine, and I can only ask that no one plagiarizes it; but then again, who would?
'...' – thoughts
"..." – spoken
Where Do We Go From Here? – Chapter 4
The question laid out between them in the silence that followed Mamoru's words.
Usagi, still reeling from the agony of his earlier accusations, was nonetheless drawn to her prince, her soulmate, her love.
She stared deep into his eyes and saw the undercurrents of torment and misery that swam behind the midnight blue orbs. There was regret, fear, and desperation; but beneath it all, she saw the deep and unwavering love he held for her.
And she knew without a doubt, that no matter what he did, no matter how many mistakes he made, and no matter how many times he hurt her, she would always forgive him and love him.
It was both a curse and a blessing, she supposed, that she loved him so much. That this emotion could drive her do anything and everything for him, to make him happy at almost any cost.
It was because of this that she nearly caved, to take the easy way out. She wanted to just forgive him and let go of the matter, simply accept his decision to reject Harvard in favour of Tokyo U. She could see it in her mind very vividly, almost like a vision, of how the next scenes would unfold if she gave in this one time.
She would forgive, they would kiss and make up, go out for dinner and by next morning, they would pretend this entire evening never happened. They would tell themselves it was simply an unpleasant memory, a tiny bump in the road in their relationship, meant to be forgotten and stored away in the furthest reaches of the mind. And they would go on with their lives, seemingly happy, and pretend that everything was perfect, that their love alone was enough to carry them through the obstacles the future could bring.
'But how long would we be able to fool ourselves? How long would we be able to pretend everything was fine? Before we regret what happened in the past and the decisions we made this night? How long before tonight destroyed whatever love we had?'
With these thoughts, she knew that for their sake, she could not back down. This was one battle of wills she could not afford to lose.
The cost would be too high.
'It's for us, Mamo-chan. And most especially, it's for you," she thought decisively, refusing to take the easy way out. In the corner of her mind, she could almost here the other senshi cheering her on, proud of their princess and leader's steely resolve.
"Mamo-chan..." she said tentatively, her voice as soft as a whisper, "I love you. I always will. A thousand years ago, we fell in love. Against all odds, we found each other, going against ancient laws and customs to be together. And now, a thousand years later, my feelings haven't changed. You're still the one for me. And whatever obstacles come up, I want us to face them together. Do you understand, Mamo-chan?"
"I do, Usako, I do," he claimed fervently, weak with relief. She still loved him. That was more than he could have asked for, more than he deserved. "I want to face the future with you and only you. I want you there by my side for all the big moments. For when I get my medical degree. For our wedding. For the first dawn that shines upon Crystal Tokyo. I want to share all those moments with you. And even the little things, like watching the stars or just having someone to talk to; I want to do all those things with YOU. No one else but you."
He reached out again now and this time, Usagi didn't move away.
He pulled her into his arms, terrified that if he gave her too much time, she would rethink her decision. He held on tight, his arms like steel bands across her back. This was nirvana. This was paradise.
This was home.
Usagi let the warmth of Mamoru's body surround her, let it seep into her bones, into her soul, until everything was washed away and she felt cleansed inside. She drew in the scent of him; of man, of musk, and of roses, always the faint scent of roses she loved so much. And all the doubts, all the fears, all the pain seemed to drop away.
But it was an illusion. Things weren't back the way they used to be, not yet.
"Mamo-chan?" she murmured quietly into his ear, her sweet breath tickling the hairs on his neck.
"Yes, Usako?" he replied dreamily, lost in the moment of bliss and peace.
She pulled away gently and framed his angular face with her delicate hands, her slim fingers playing with the stray ebony locks and tendrils.
Looking him deep into his eyes, she made her plea.
"Help me to understand, help me to forgive. Look at what your silence is doing to us. I can't let this matter go. I'll always wonder about why you turned down Harvard. Give me a reason, please. If you don't, it will tear us apart, I just know it. Please, Mamo-chan, please."
Mamoru could do little to avoid her penetrating gaze and it ripped as him inside. She was right. He had to tell her why he was staying instead of going to America. Inside he was a bundle of nerves. Once she heard his reason, would she force him to go?
"Okay, Usako, I'll tell you whatever you want to know. Just remember, I love you. And everything I do, I do it for you, for us, for our future."
She nodded slightly.
He held her small hands in his larger ones. Her pale smooth skin stood in deep contrast against his darker and callused hands, but they were infinitely gentle as his thumbs rubbed over her knuckles in soothing circles.
"Ever since I was young, I knew I wanted to be a doctor. To save lives so that no one would ever be left alone."
"Like you were," Usagi murmured quietly.
"Yes, like me. And I knew that to achieve this dream, I would need to go to the best medical school possible, to become the best doctor possible. That's why I worked so hard, studied so much to reach that goal. I worked two jobs at a time to pay for tuition and to save up money for the future."
He took a deep breath and continued. "When I first got accepted last year to Harvard, I was so happy. All the years of hard work had paid off. And I thought that I could make it work. Could make school work. Could make us work even though we were oceans apart. But then Galaxia came and changed everything."
"And now it's within grasp again, Mamo-chan. The opportunity is right here, all you have to do is grab onto it. You can make all your dreams come true!"
"I can't go Usako, not now. Maybe in a few more years, when you've finished high school and you could come with me to America...but not now. The timing is all wrong."
Usagi was taken aback by the news. "Go with you? But...that could be a long time. I mean, I might not even make it into an American university or college near Harvard or my parents might not even let me go. You have to reconsider, Mamo-chan. This kind of opportunity may never come again. You can't afford to wait!"
"I'm not leaving you again, Usako. The last time I did, look what happened – destruction, death, sacrifice."
"But this is your dream!"
"It doesn't matter."
"Doesn't matter? How could you say that? You and I know that's a bald-faced lie. How can you just give up on your dreams just for me? After all the blood and sweat you've poured into making it come true? I could never live with myself, knowing what the sacrifice was for us to be together. One day, you'll take a look at your life and you'll regret it. While in your head, you'll think you made the right choice all those years ago, your heart will say different and hate me for taking this once in a lifetime chance away from you. Don't do that to us."
Mamoru watched with tortured eyes as Usagi whirled away from him to face his balcony doors, staring out beyond the cityscape that lay out before her, as if the sight of him was too much for her to bear. He caught a small sparkle as her face turned away from him, knew that she was working hard to hold back the flood of tears.
"But, Usako, don't you understand? You're more important than my dreams. YOU are my life. Without you, the dream is empty. Dreams are for those who haven't found what they're searching for in life, for those who have an empty existence, who are dead even though they walk and breathe. I've found what I'm looking for. YOU. I don't need my dreams anymore. I could save a million lives, but it would mean NOTHING - absolutely nothing - if I couldn't save you. If I had to choose between a career and you, I'd choose you. I won't lose you, Usako, not again. I couldn't..." emotion cracking his voice, "...I couldn't lose you again. Don't ask me to leave you. Please."
Even with her back turned, she had heard the dread and desperation in his voice, the vulnerability.
They could hurt each other so easily.
'What was that saying again? Oh yes...you always hurt the ones you love.'
Usagi turned around now, her expression fierce and passionate, her eyes pleading and her love shining through the sheen of tears that still threatened to fall.
"But don't you see Mamo-chan, I'll still be here. I'll be here a year from now, a hundred years from now, a thousand years from now, I'll STILL be here. When you told me about your parents, about your loneliness, I promised you then that I would never leave you. Never. I'll be here waiting, forever."
Mamoru crossed the room then, grabbing her arms and pulling her close till there was barely an inch of space between then. His dark cobalt eyes stared deep into her light cerulean ones as if searching for the truth in her words.
"You don't know that for sure Usako. You CAN'T know. What if something worse than Galaxia comes and I'm not there to protect you? What if something happens to you and I'm not at your side to help you pull through, to hold your hand? What if...what if..." He couldn't continue.
"What if what, Mamo-chan?" The scared tone in his voice worried her, scared her even. He was her pillar of strength. If he was afraid, then how could she be strong?
Mamoru gulped visibly. In a shaky whisper, he told her his darkest fear, the one thing that could destroy him when nothing else could. Not his parents' death. Not losing his memories. Not even being unable to protect his princess from the faces of death so many times, especially against the strongest senshi in the universe.
"What if I lose you?"
Usagi blinked, confused. "Lose me? I don't understand Mamo-chan. The senshi are always there to look out for me and protect me. And I can fight for myself now. I'm not as weak as I used to be. I've grown strong."
Mamoru let her go then and it was he who couldn't look Usagi in the eye. "That's not what I meant. I wasn't talking about losing you to the Dark Kingdom or whatever evil that threatens Earth. I learned a hard lesson, Usako, while I was gone during your fight against Galaxia. You don't need me like I need you." He grounded out the last part harshly.
"Mamo-chan..."
"Please...don't say anything," he hurriedly interrupted. "I need to say this. I know nothing happened between you and Seiya. I know that you were faithful even when you thought that I had forgotten all about you. But he being here revealed to me something. It showed me that I can easily be replaced in your life."
Usagi stopped him now, unable to believe what she was hearing. "Replaced? How can you say that?"
"It's true, though, isn't it?" Mamoru retorted loudly, angry with himself, with the world, and especially with Seiya, the black-haired Starlight for opening his eyes and showing him a truth his arrogance had hidden.
'Ignorance is bliss,' Mamoru thought sardonically.
"He did the two things I always thought were mine alone."
"And what was that?" Usagi asked with a shaky voice.
"You know what."
"No I don't! Tell me," she demanded.
"He protected you...and he loved you," Mamoru replied dejectedly.
An eerie hush fell in the room. The only sounds were the ticking of the clock and the soft but tortured breaths of the room's occupants.
"And you honestly think that's enough?" was her pained response.
He glanced up, disbelief on his face. "But...but that's all I have to give you, to offer you."
Inside, a little part of Usagi broke, crying for the man standing before her who knew so little of his own worth.
"Baka! Mamoru-baka!" Usagi cried as she launched herself into Mamoru's arms and wound her arms tight around his neck as if hanging on for dear life. Mamoru was too shocked to do more than hold her close, his arms wrapped tightly around her waist. "What about my feelings? Do you think I'll just fall in love with any guy who loves me and can protect me? Baka! I'm with you because I LOVE YOU! Because you make me feel safe and cherished whenever you're around. Because you love me even when I'm being clumsy and childish. Because you can make me laugh at even the worst moments of my life. Because you can make me forget all my problems simply by smiling at me."
At this, Usagi let all her pent up emotions out in a torrent of tears. As suddenly as she had thrown herself into Mamoru's arms, she pulled back just as quickly and pounded his chest with a flurry of fists. Too surprised to do much more than take the unexpected abuse, Mamoru watched with blurry vision as his petite girlfriend exhausted herself and fell once more against his chest in a fit of tears.
"Do you think you're the only one with insecurities?" Usagi cried out hoarsely. "You're not! You're going off to get your medical degree in university while I haven't even completed high school yet. Everyone's always wondering why a guy like you would even talk to a girl like me. I'm not beautiful, or bright, I don't have a single talent. I'm a coward and a klutz and God, if Luna wasn't there to always watch out for me, I never would have survived long enough to meet any of the senshi. You think I don't see the way women look at you when we're out together? Then they see me and they always look back at you with pity in their eyes. And those girls at your campus? They're all so gorgeous and smart and I know, I KNOW, that they feel sorry for you. And I'm so afraid that one day you'll wake up from this dream, this beautiful dream that I live in, and realize what a fool you've been to waste your time on me."
Shocked, all Mamoru could do was watch as the petite bundle in his arms collapsed onto the ground. Her usually rosy cheeks were pale now, bitter tears falling down in silver trails. Her small frame was shaking from the fierce sobs that escaped her trembling mouth.
'Doesn't she know that she's perfect? That all those other girls pale in comparison? Not one of them has her heart, her strength, her courage."
Minutes passed and Usagi's loud sobs had turned into a soft weep, single tears still trailing down the sides of her eyes. Mamoru leaned down to his knees to pull her back into his arms.
"Usako..."
"I'm afraid too, Mamo-chan, like you," she said quietly, her sudden voice stopping Mamoru mid-motion. "Afraid to lose you to someone better. When you go to Harvard, there will be even more girls, smarter and more beautiful girls, who you could talk to about politics or science or about classes with. But it doesn't matter, Mamo-chan. It doesn't matter that I'm scared. Do you know why?"
"No, I don't. Why?"
Usagi's downcast eyes turned up to look at him. They were bright once more, the sadness faded away.
"Because underneath it all, underneath all the insecurities that live in my heart, something more powerful, more true lies in there as well. Faith."
"Faith..."
"I have faith in you. Faith that you'll always love me and never cheat on me. I have faith in us, that what we have is meant to be and written in the stars. I believe that we were destined, maybe even before the Silver Millennium. And this will keep me strong, strong enough to let you go. I love you and I want to make all your dreams come true. And if one day, you do find someone else, someone better –"
"That would never happen." Mamoru interrupted darkly, clearly affronted that she would even think such a thing. She was one of a kind. No one could compare.
A hint of a smile appeared on Usagi's lips. "I said 'if', didn't I? And IF it did happen, I would let you go. I only want your happiness, even if it's not with me. So please, Mamo-chan, go to America. Fulfill your dreams. Become the wonderful doctor you want to be, the wonderful doctor I know you'll be. And return to me once more."
At that moment so looked enchanting. The moon had suddenly seemed brighter and bathed its princess in moonlight that came through the windows of the balcony doors. She beckoned to him like a siren, as enticing as a powerful sorceress. And he was helplessly drawn to her. To everything about her.
'My moon goddess, luring me to her. How could I refuse?'
He pulled her back into his arms, this time gently, cradling her softly in his arms like she was fine crystal to be handled with care. He couldn't resists brushing a soft kiss against her shoulder, marvelling at the softness of her skin, the smoothness of her hair, the delicateness of her lean frame that hid the underlying strength of sailor soldier, princess, and woman.
"I'll go o America, Usako. I'll study hard and earn my medical degree. I'll make you proud. I'll call you everyday, write letters and send you emails. I'll come back and see you every chance I get. And in the end, I'll return to you. That I promise. Wait for me?"
Usagi closed her eyes, the happiness she felt all-consuming.
"Yes! I'll wait for you. I'll always wait for you."
The last of Mamoru's doubts and fears ebbed away. He was going to make sure she never regretted choosing him as her love. That she was never want for love. They weren't the same people they were thousands of years ago. They had to find love again, as Mamoru Chiba and Usagi Tsukino. It made their love that much more special and precious. As long as she allowed it of him, he would never let her go.
"I love you, Usako."
Usagi's heart gave a lovely roll in her chest over the sweetness of those three simple words. She never tired of hearing it, especially from him. She knew how precious they were. Mamoru was a man who had never truly known love, but who guarded it fiercely, allowing only a select few into his heart. This was a man who loved, and loved wholly. She would protect his heart as she would protect the earth. Without fail.
"I love you too, Mamo-chan. Always and forever."
Mamoru pulled back and looked at the woman he was so blessed to know, to hold, to love. She was so beautiful she glowed. He leaned down to kiss her, suddenly finding himself desperate to touch his lips to hers, to drink her in like sweet nectar and forbidden ambrosia. He was a breath away from her parted lips when...
"Grr..."
Usagi blushed a deep shade of red, silently reprimanding her stomach for interrupting what was sure to have been one hell of a kiss. She had her lips ready and all puckered up too!
Mamoru laughed loudly. His little bunny was just too cute. He should have known that her stomach wouldn't take a back seat for too long.
'I guess I'll have to sneak in a few kisses later.'
"C'mon Usako, let's go out and celebrate. I believe I owe you a dinner followed by dessert. How does Italian sound?"
:: end of chapter 4 ::
Chapter four is done! Please review if you liked it. Please also review if you didn't. Please, no flames however. It can really hurt a writer's confidence in writing. This sounded kind of like an ending, eh? I'm thinking of adding an epilogue but I'm not sure. Let me know whether I should add one more chapter or not. Time permitting, I'll write one up. Hopefully, I'll be able to start a new fic soon. I've got some ideas spinning around in my head. So for now, ciao!