Author's Note: Nothing's ever easy...

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And then she awoke.
Her mind tried to cast off the nightmare and grasped for reality.
Darkness above her.
A weight on her, pinning her down.
Suddenly claustrophobic, she tried to move, but found that she couldn't.

Hot darkness pushed down on her.

- - -

Ch 33: SUBCONSCIOUS

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--

Her mind still focusing, she realized that he was draped across her.
His weight heavy on her chest. Restricting her ease of breath.

Trying to shift him off, her movements were immediately stilled by the layers of sleeping bags twisted around them.

And she was hot. For the first time in weeks, she was actually hot in the wee hours of the morning.

Taking a few slow breaths, she tried to get her rapid heartbeat to slow a bit.

Calming herself down so that she could think of how to extricate the two of them.

Because she needed to get out... now! The darkness, his weight, the heat and the difficulty breathing... She needed to get out now!

Moving slowly and carefully, she pulled at their covers while slipping out from under him. He groaned and shifted position. Scrambling out of the cover of the sleeping bags, the icy morning air hit her sweat-soaked body.

The instant cold and change of position made her dizzy for a moment. Stopping to regain a sense of balance, she then slowly moved over near the tent door and then slumped against a small stack of their gear.

She shuddered as images of that night at the new Alpha Site flashed before her.

He moaned again and then she could hear him moving around. "Sam?"

Not answering immediately, she groped around for where she thought she remembered leaving her flashlight. Her fingers bumped against the familiar plastic, and she quickly picked it up and turned it on, careful to keep it pointed away from his eyes. He was breathing hard and trying to look at her while squinting in the sudden light.

"Nightmare?" she softly broke the silence.

He looked up towards her voice and the flashlight. "...I remembered."

"Remembered what?" she asked carefully watching his every movement.

Trying to assess his condition.

He glanced around the tent, taking in the weird, harsh shadows created by the angle of her flashlight. "What are you doing over there in the freezing cold?

She didn't answer immediately, but looked down at the ground and then over at the opposite wall of the tent. "Nightmare," she finally admitted, her voice just above a whisper.

"Want to talk about it?"

"Not... yet," and she wasn't looking at him straight on... just with her peripheral vision.

"Ohhkay... You gonna stay out there and freeze?"

She nodded jerkily and then added, "For the moment."

"Sam-,"

"I just need a few minutes, OK?" and then she offered softly, "Want to talk about yours?"

His breathing had calmed down to normal now but he was coughing a little. "It... it was from ...," he began and then he realized where she was in the tent... as far from him as she could get and still be right next to the door... as if she might need to escape. "Sam, did I do something in my sleep?"

She shook her head 'No', but then she brought her eyes up and met his and he saw the uncertainty in her eyes...

"Sam, I'd never hurt you," he said softly.

"Not knowingly," she qualified and he noticed that she didn't let down her guard or relax even slightly.

Regret and remorse washed over him. He could tell that something had shaken her to the core... something more than just a nightmare. "I'm sorry," he repeated what he'd said so many weeks ago.

She didn't answer, she just watched him, trying to appraise his condition. "How do you feel now?" she asked.

"Tired. Hot. Thirsty..," he answered and then shrugged.

"Canteen's over there," she gestured slightly behind him.

He looked around, spied the canteen and picked it up, "Thanks," and he slowly drank a few swallows. Spilling a little into his hand, he splashed it over his face and let it drip off onto his sweat-soaked sleeping bag.

"How's your head?" she continued.

"Bit thick," and he gave her a small smile but she didn't return it.

"Headache?" she specified.

"A little," he admitted.

"The medkit is over there," she pointed over to the other side of the tent.

He glanced back at her and then shuffled over and opened the kit. Pulling out a few acetaminophen, he swallowed them with another swig from the canteen. Looking back over at her, she was still silently watching him.

"You look like you're ready to vanish out that door," he observed critically.

"Yeah... when I woke up, I was feeling a bit claustrophobic... and...," she shrugged apologetically and he winced again. "I think you should take your temperature," and she gestured at the medkit again.

"Sam, what happened?" he asked her as he moved to dig out the thermometer.

Ignoring his question, "I'm going to get the fire going and some hot water boiling. The sun will be up soon," and she quickly escaped the tent.

Sitting back against one of the small piles of gear that they kept inside with them, he waited impatiently with the thermometer sticking out of his mouth. A few moments later and it beeped. Taking it out to read it, he looked up as she stuck her head back in, "What's it say?" she asked politely.

"99," and he gave her a small smile.

"Let's hope the fever has broken for good," she commented.

"Sam-," he attempted, but she interrupted.

"Breakfast will be ready in about 15 minutes," she sent to him as she ducked back out of the tent.

Sighing again, he ran a hand through his hair in frustration.

- - - - - - - -

A half-hour later and they were sitting on opposite sides of the fire. The rain had finally stopped and the skies were partially clear. The sunrise was gorgeous, but neither of them were looking at it.

"Sam-,"

"Jack, don't," she snapped.

"Don't... what? Talk?"

"Yes, don't talk!" she sent back angrily.

"Uh... I don't understa-," he attempted to get more information.

"Jack! Please! I'm just barely hanging on right now! I'm just this," and she held two finger tips about a half-inch apart, "this close to losing it!" At seeing his look of non-comprehension, she added, "Look, I thought I'd handled the whole 'Alien Influence' and stranded thing," and she waved at the campsite around them. "But I guess I haven't... quite... Dammit, Jack, I trust you more than just about anyone...," and she closed her eyes and clenched her teeth briefly, "I-," and words failed her.

He desperately wanted to go around the fire and hug her and hold her close and tell her that he wouldn't let anyone hurt her. But that was a little difficult when he was the one she was afraid of.

"So what do we do?" he asked and he tasted the hopelessness in his voice.

"I just need a little time... it was a nightmare... it will fade... just... stop pushing...," and her eyes were shining with unshed tears.

A few moments of silence passed and then he ventured, "You know I was surprised at how well you handled it all that first day we woke up here. You were entitled to a little ranting and raving. Maybe sending a punch or two my way... Sam, it's OK, to be angry... it's human to be angry... You know it's not healthy to keep it all bottled up inside... Now, if we were back on the base, I'd send you to the gym for a workout and a session with the punching bag... but we don't have those...Would it help if you gave me a nice roundhouse?" he offered.

She looked up and quirked an eyebrow, "Don't tempt me," she warned him.

"Do you want to kick my ass? I deserve it, even if you won't have to chase me into the afterlife quite yet," he added.

"You heard that?"

"Yes."

"I thought you'd finally fallen asleep."

"Almost, but I heard you," and he gave her a small smile. "So do you still want to kick my ass?" he persisted.

"Yes, right now I'd love to kick your ass, allright?" and she stood up in frustration.

He stood up and stepped around the fire. She immediately stepped back and he stopped.

"Sam, if taking a few shots at me is going to help... then go ahead," he invited.

She just sighed and narrowed her eyes a little, "First, you're still sick and I know I'd feel guilty about it later. Second, we can't afford any unnecessary injuries. Who knows what's going to happen next?"

"When we get back then?"

"Oh yeah, when we get back, O'Neill, you're ass is so mine. You won't even know what hit you!" and the glint in her eye told him that she was definitely not joking.

He let a few moments of silence pass before asking, "So, what about today?"

She studied the fire for a moment. "I think I need a little time to think... and you should stay here and rest. I'm going to go and check on the 'Gate and the DHD shelter and then see if I can scare us up some something fresh for lunch. It'll give us both time to think."

"Radio checks every 15?" and she nodded her agreement.

- - - - - - -

Reaching the clearing with the alien Stargate, Sam stopped to make a quick check on the status of the DHD. Their small shelter had protected the damaged instrument and its internal workings from the elements. Walking over to the 'Gate, she inspected the alarm system that they'd jury-rigged. Satisfied that it was intact and in working order, she walked back to the steps leading up to the 'Gate.

Standing there for a few moments, she stared at the gigantic ring of naquadah.

The Gateway. The Portal. The Chappa'ai. The Stargate.

Setting a folded rainjacket on the top step, she sat down and stared out at the tableau before her. She let her eyes wander over the peaceful, fresh scene.

The trees, brush and grass... all wet from the past few days of rain.
The sun rising higher in the sky and backlighting the drops of water.
The fresh scent of newly washed air and vegetation.

The feelings from the nightmare dissipated as the sun continued to climb in the sky.
The light chasing away the dark.
The open air chasing away the oppressive claustrophobia.

She finally realized that she was... well... a bit pissed off at him.
He had stranded the two of them here.
Alien influence or not.

And when he'd gotten sick, the stakes were raised further... he might leave her.
And that pissed her off even more than just getting stranded here.
For leaving her, she really would want to kick his ass!

And yet, her rational mind knew that she couldn't hold him responsible for his actions while under the influence of the Sandaran Vandi. But emotions were not rational.

She grinned at his offer to let her take a few punches at him. She could grin about it now... an hour or so earlier though... she'd been sorely tempted to take him up on it.

She took in a long, slow breath.

She was conflicted.

She trusted Jack O'Neill with her life.
They were stalwart comrades who'd die for each other.
And they were now becoming friends.

They were each working hard at making this difficult situation work.
Just the two of them here.

They hadn't had a serious argument yet.
No major blowups.
Yet.

They were both trying to be extremely considerate and careful.
Maintaining that fragile balance.

He was a good man.

She knew that.

She let out another shaky breath.

She let herself remember that night at the new Alpha Site... and then waking up in the clearing... And then she thought about the nightmare she'd just had. After all that talk about his Black Ops days and watching him toss and turn feverishly... it was no wonder she'd had the nightmare that she did.

Calmly she made herself think it over.
Bring the fear into the light.
Think about it.
Recognize it.

She wished she could talk to Janet about it.
Or Daniel or Teal'c.

She needed someone as a sounding board.
Someone to give her an objective viewpoint and opinion.

Turning to look up at the sky, "Janet, I don't know if you Ascended or not..., but if you did... and if you are watching us now... I have a sneaking suspicion that you just might be enjoying this!" she accused the scudding clouds with a small smile. "Here I am, stranded on a deserted planet, thousands of light years from Earth... with one Jack O'Neill!... yeah... you'd probably be laughing!"

"But after the snickering... and few suggestive innuendos... what would you really think? What are we supposed to do now?" she asked honestly.

No answer came... just a slight freshening of the breeze.

- - - -

She let a few moments of silence pass, and then she asked the breeze, "And what was with the tingling and glowing last night?" and she held up her hand and inspected it. No answers drifted down as she turned her hand around scrutinizing her palm, fingers and even the back of her hand. Everything looked normal. No unusual marks or blemishes.

"Was it real? ... Or was I dreaming?" she softly asked the air around her.

Only silence answered her again.

Sighing, "His fever seems to have broken... did I have anything to do with that?" she wondered with disbelief. "We've seen so many strange things over the years... is this something I can do because of the naquadah in my blood? Because of Niirti's machine? Or is it related to how he was changed by the download of the library of the Ancients'? Or something else?"

She sifted through possibilities in her mind. No answers came forward.

Her eyes wandered again over the vista before her.
Quiet.
Peaceful.

"Janet, this is exactly the type of thing I'd want to discuss with you. I'd trust you to think about it professionally while still being my friend... I miss you... and I hope that wherever you are, you are happy," she sent her soft words to join the gentle breeze.

And once again, her words were answered with silence and a slight quickening of the breeze.

- - - - - - -

Sam returned to camp to find Jack napping next to a smoldering fire of mostly ashes. He was wrapped in one of the sleeping bags and lying on one of the bedrolls from the tent. The mid-morning sun streamed through the clouds and trees creating a shifting milieu of slowly moving soft patches of light and shadow. Smiling softly, she quietly set down the two alien-rabbits that she'd zatted and then went about stoking the fire.

"Hey," he greeted her quietly.

"Hey back," she gave him a soft smile.

"Feeling any better?"

"Yeah... much better actually," she admitted.

"Good... I was worried," he confessed.

"I'm sorry I was so difficult this morning," she apologized.

"Sam, there's nothing to apologize for... you had a nightmare... and it's not like you don't deserve to blow off a little steam now and then," he added.

She nodded briefly and then, "It's just... the nightmare seemed so... real... and then when I woke up... it was like I was still in the nightmare... and it all got mixed up with your comments about your Black Ops days... and that night at the new Alpha Site... and I... just... got overwhelmed..."

"Sam-," he started, but she held up a hand gently to stop him.

"No let me finish," she asked quietly. "When I got to the 'Gate to look at the DHD, I spent a little time just thinking. Out in the open. Away from the confines of the tent. And the feelings from the nightmare faded more and more as the sun came out. Jack, I know that what happened that night at the Alpha Site would never have happened without the influence of the Vandi. I know that that wasn't you," and she paused and looked up at him, "To be honest, a part of me still wants to take a few swings at something, but I do trust you, Jack. I've trusted you for more than 8 years and I still trust you."

"I- I... don't know what to say," he was a bit embarrassed.

"You don't have to say anything... just... don't drink any more of that Vandi... or eat any alien cake...," and she gave him a knowing grin.

"So... no drink... no cake... no cake?" he repeated.

"No alien cake," she qualified.

"Oh... I think I can do that," he shrugged and gave a small sheepish grin. "And if I do... then you have full permission to kick my ass," he added.

"Yes sir!" she returned enthusiastically.

"You don't have to sound quite so eager," he protested.

She shrugged, "It's been awhile since I've doled out a good ass-kicking..."

"Who and why?" he prompted.

"Ah-ah, that's a story for another time," she smiled and turned her attention to the zatted alien rabbits.

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TBC

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