(A/N) This is in response to my irritation of the stories when someone has emotional troubles, then someone comes along and everything is okay. Or how everything is ignored and how sudden it happens and how suddenly it stops. It's so irritatingly unrealistic. So, this is slightly uncharacteristic of me, the happy child, but I felt the need to write it, and it actually turned out pretty good, if I do say so myself. So read on.
The Voice
Misty's smile remained, but it never quite reached her eyes. She watched Ash laugh happily with May, just like they had once done. Ash turned to her, saying something in his own childish way, and laughed at his own comment. Misty forced her lips to open and laughter came – forced laughter, but laughter none-the-less. Ash grinned his loveable grin, even at sixteen and continued his conversation with May, only occasionally stealing glances at Misty to make sure she was listening and laughing right along with them.
They were traveling together, Ash, Misty, Brock, and of course, May. Misty still had her long time crush on Ash, but she could live with it as long as she and him were still the good friends they always were –or, at least that's what she told herself, wasn't it? She didn't want to be the selfish one. It was obvious May liked Ash, and Misty even put up with that. She still had the occasional twinge every now and then, but she could live with it, they would never be as good of friends as her and Ash were, right?
-Or, at least those were her thoughts as of two weeks ago. Now Misty was really beginning to doubt. Wherever Ash was, May was there as well, they were always found laughing, smiling, and talking to each other. Ash was beginning to ignore her more and more, just as her smile became smaller and smaller. Thoughts and pictures of the both of them going together on dates began to form in her mind – and that, that was unbearable. That's when the thoughts began.
Why?
Why didn't Ash talk to her like that anymore? Was she boring? Was she annoying? She had been told she was annoying before, an annoying brat, and not just by her sisters Of course, none of her friends had ever said it. No, her friends wouldn't say that, not to her face. It was said before, they'd laughed at other people before, why not her? Perhaps May was more youthful, more childish and that's what Ash wanted. Maybe… maybe it was her beauty? Maybe Misty was too fat?
Misty visibly gasped at the thoughts pouring through her head. No! She shook her head, mentally kicking herself. No! She was smart, she wasn't dumb, she knew she was skinny enough if Ash didn't like her this way then – "Misty?" Brock peered at her through the fireplace. "Hey, Misty, you okay?" Misty looked up at Brock, reality checking in. They were sitting in their camp. Ash and May were still talking, laughing silently to themselves at their own personal inside joke. Misty had drifted into her thoughts, finally broken out of her trance. "Misty?" Brock repeated, his worry was evident in his voice.
"I'm fine Brock." She reassured him. Fine, she thought, I didn't just think those thoughts! She assured herself. I didn't! I wouldn't! I'm not stupid like that! Misty abruptly stood up and announced, "I'm going to wander a bit. My legs are stiff."
Brock frowned, but nodded. He had noticed, and despite him not being the one she wanted to notice, she was grateful. Ash nodded, slightly confused at her weird behavior. He glanced at May who was equally confused and shrugged. Ash gave Misty one last look too make sure she was okay before returning to his conversation.
-
It was night time, Misty made sure she stayed close enough to the camp to not get lost, but far enough away they wouldn't hear her talking to herself. "I can't believe I thought that!" She scolded herself. "I will not resort to thinking I'm fat!" She pinched her belly. Some, not much fat could be pinched. Misty frowned, and then suddenly shook her head violently. "No!" She spat again. "It's bad for me," her voice was strained. "I know it is! So why am I thinking these thoughts?"
Because May's nice.
"Yea, so?"
You're nice too
"Duh!"
You and May are almost exactly the same so why else would Ash like May over you?
"SHUT-UP!"
Misty kicked a rock with her shoe and focused on that pain for a while. "No, no." She reassured herself, "I'm not. I won't! I'm not stupid, I know I'm not fat, and I know that if he doesn't like me for me, then that's his problem! It may just be a stupid crush anyway! Who cares?"
Doubt still plagued her mind as she walked back, and that voice was still there, it never went away.
-
"I'm done." Misty smiled, handing the plate back to Brock. Brock took it with a raised eyebrow.
"Meaning… you're done with this helping?" Misty shook her head.
"Nope, I'm done for the night."
"Misty, you barely ate anything."
"Nah, I'm fine, I'm just not very hungry. I heard that you don't eat as much when you're active." Misty assured Brock, also assuring herself in her mind. This was why she wasn't eating her usual amount, that's all. Her plan was to just cut back on sweets and carbs, no biggie.
"I heard that too, actually." May mentioned, stuffing food in her mouth. "I'm not sure if its true though, I mean, look at the pig over there." She remarked, gesturing to Ash, who was currently stuffing his face with noodles. Ash looked up, with noodles still dangling from his mouth. Misty had to giggle. See? Everything was okay. She opened her mouth to say something to him about his eating etiquette, when May jumped in. "Ash, chew you're food, you idiot, don't inhale it! If you choke, I'm not doing the hemlock maneuver on you!" Misty shut her mouth.
That's just what you were going to say, huh? Misty frowned slightly.
'Go away.' She thought.
So did you ever figure out the difference between you two? You're both pretty much the same.
'Shut up'.
The only difference is you're beauty. You ate too much starch today.
'Ash isn't that shallow, now go away!'
You know I'm ri – "Where are we going tomorrow?" Misty asked suddenly. She had to get her mind off of that stupid voice.
"Um," Ash replied after swallowing his food. "I think we're going to head to Violet town again, we haven't seen them yet, and neither has May. We should be there by tomorrow."
"That assuming you don't get lost like usual." Misty grinned. Ash stuck his tongue out at her and silence resumed. Misty seemed to have no choice but disappear in her own world again. 'He didn't react like he used to.' She sighed. 'Did he mature, or is it just not the same?'
You know the answer.
'Didn't I tell you to go away?'
Didn't I tell you the truth? Yet you still don't listen!
'I don't care! You're wrong! I'm skinny!'
Sure. No, you're not fat, per-say, but you're not skinny either. You could be skinnier.
'Go suck on a hairball.'
Hmm… in the meantime someone's calling you
"Misty!" Misty blinked into reality, now noticing everyone was staring at her. Brock had his hand out; in his hand was a small Milky Way. "Want one?" He asked. Misty almost raised her hand, to take it, but then she remembered. She was cutting back on sweets – and only sweets – for now. So she smiled and politely shook her head. "Nah, I told you, I'm not very hungry, besides, I had a lot of sugar today."
"What sugar? You had sugar without me?" Ash blinked. He was paying attention now.
Brock folded his arms over his chest and stared at Misty, expectantly. "Yes, what sugar?"
"Iiieee…. Had some in my bag from the previous town, sorry." She grinned sheepishly. Tsk! Lying, one step closer to that 'bad girl self' Oh yes, it was getting tiring ignoring the stupid voice. Why couldn't it just go away?
-
It was later that night when Misty's stomach was rumbling, signaling her need for food. She crept over to the sleeping Brock's bag and pulled out the Milky Way.
No! Stop! You're going to get fat! Gr, that voice was getting irritating – or was that her own voice? Quickly before she could change her mind, she stuffed the Milky Way into her mouth and chewed. Stupid! You're so weak!
'No I'm not! I was hungry!'
But fattening junk? You have no self-control, do you? Idiot.
'No…'
No? No what? You have no self-control? Idiot.
'I'm not…' She was getting weaker. She couldn't argue anymore. She crawled into her sleeping bag and closed her eyes dreaming of big, red balloons.
-
"He's so IRRITATING!"
"Misty calm down." Brock pulled Misty down so she could sit by him. "Breathe."
"But he's so stubborn! He won't move from his stupid solitude! He lost once, and he has to throw a pity party!"
"It's hard to loose." Brock calmly reasoned.
"I know! But he needs to get used to it. It was a tough battle. He fought well, can't he accept that?"
"Did you tell him that?" Brock asked looking in the direction he had just stormed off to earlier.
"I did!" Misty threw up her arms in exasperation while she jumped up from her sitting position. She was frustrated and worried. Ash had lost a hard battle. Really, he was over confident, that was his downfall. She had gone to talk to him while he sulked by the water, maybe she could get him to talk to her. No go. She had gotten frustrated and left. "Where's May?" She managed to ask in between ranting.
"Disappeared sometime after you came back."
"She better not be sulking either." Misty pouted. She plopped down again beside Brock and crossed her arms. Brock snickered.
"Because you never sulk." Misty caught on and grinned slightly, grateful for the diversion. "So did you eat anything after last night?"
"Nah, I went to bed when you did." Brock's face was serious again; he opened his mouth to comment, when there was rustling in the bushes. They both turned to see May appearing --- with Ash trailing behind her.
"Great!" Brock jumped up leaving a shocked and tense Misty. "You brought him back." She brought him back….
"Yea," May giggled. "He just needed a good talking to." …A good talking to?…
"Sure Ash, don't go sulking like that again. You sure you're okay?" …He's okay?….
"Yea, I'm alright. May made sure that I was awake. It okay now." …she made sure?…
"Whatever." Brock shrugged and picked up his backpack. "Are you ready to go?" …go…?
"Misty?" May turned after realizing Misty wasn't following anymore. "Let's go!" …go? Go where? Why go where I'm not needed?
It's because you're ugly and stupid. He doesn't like you anymore.
"Misty!" Misty looked up at Ash. "You okay?" Misty looked up and him and forced a smile on her face.
"Yea, sure, are you okay?"
"Sure Misty! I told you. Now let's go."
Because you let HER help you…
Ash grinned and waited for her as she slowly picked up her bag. Her pace was slower than usual; she was no longer smiling at his stupidity – not that she didn't find it cute. She just wasn't paying attention – and neither was he.
Because you're fat, ugly and stupid.
She didn't argue.
-
It started slow. She was eating fewer dinners, holding out until breakfast. She slowly began to lessen her lunches until it was almost nothing. She wasn't really paying much attention to it anymore. Maybe and Ash didn't notice, didn't seem to care. Ash asked her once why she wasn't eating her dinner, and she was pleased. But she only handed her plate over to Ash and said she wasn't hungry and she watched him devour it. Brock was noticing. He would frown each time she declined seconds, or even any more than a half of their tiny plates.
"Misty," He pulled her aside. "You're loosing weight."
"Really?" She sounded surprised – and she really was. She didn't see it come off.
"You're not eating."
"Brock," She tried explaining, she wasn't going to shake when she said this. "I stopped growing, therefore I don't eat as much. You're just comparing me to Ash." It brought a small smile to his face. He looked at her sincerely in the face.
"You're not going Anorexic on me?"
"Brock," Misty's mouth was dry. Inside, her heart was screaming 'Yes Brock! Help me! Make me talk to you! Make me tell the truth!' But the voice was still there. No, no! He'll think you're weak and stupid, well, weaker and more stupid than you already are at least. "I'm not that stupid." The voice won again.
Brock stared into her eyes, unsure whether to believe her or not. Her insides were pleading, 'He cares, Misty! You're big brother is worried! Tell him before you get too deep!' But the words wouldn't come. Brock sighed and turned away. "You sure?"
'No Brock! Please!' "Yes!" Her voice sounded annoyed, exasperated. Why couldn't she just tell him? Why, because she wanted to be sure someone cared? But why would someone care about you
'Shut-up.'
Defensive are we? You know its true.
She watched Brock walk away and start dinner. Maybe she would eat more tonight.
-
They were in the pokemon center today. Brock was out talking to Nurse Joy (nothing surprising there). Ash and May were in the other room talking. Misty was in the bathroom, staring at herself in the mirror. Ugly… She was finding her voice and the other voice was beginning to blend together now. She thought about the time when she thought anorexia was the most stupid thing you could do (or at least high on the list). What happened? When did she become so stupid?
Why…? She had dressed up today. She got many comments, more than she thought. Brock still said she was too skinny. But what mattered most was that Ash commented as well. He was surprised at first, of course, but then he smiled at her and said she looked nice today. He talked with her, (and May) but he had acknowledged her, but what she found so weird was that others were commenting as well. She cocked her head in the mirror. Ash was dense. That was common knowledge. What did he know or care about looks? If he didn't know or care, why should she? She frowned in the mirror, once again staring at her body. She still didn't look skinny in her eyes, but then she thought about a scene she'd watched on the news that morning. There was a movie star; she was just put into rehab for anorexia. When did she become like them? No, Misty violently shook her head. "I'll never be as bad as them. I didn't stop to eat entirely." She would never get that far.
-
They were on the road again the next day. It was the same routine. Misty found herself eating less. Her stomach wasn't growling as much anymore, in fact, her body almost felt sick whenever she put food in her stomach, like it was just feeling the pounds she was putting on. The voice telling her how ugly she was, but the picture of the girl on TV still flashed in her mind. "I'll never get that bad." She muttered and drifted to sleep.
-
Feet, the sound of running feet echoed in the forest. The feet finally stopped in front of a large tree and let the body lean against it. Tears were threatening to fall as she thought back to just a few minutes ago. Brock had served breakfast. She barely ate dinner the night before so she expected herself to eat breakfast, her favorite meal of the day like she normally would, but no. Why don't I want to eat? She let herself fall to the ground, still leaning against the tree. She found that when the plate of food was handed to her, she truly didn't want to eat, and you know what? It terrified her. What have I done? You've made yourself skinny.
No! I was already 'scrawny'! People said I was fine. It was just you! I won't be anorexic! I refuse!
You weren't! It was just a few meals!
But I didn't want to eat breakfast! My favorite meal!
It had too much fat
'I'm still not hungry!'
Why force yourself?
'…I don't want to be sick.'
You're not sick.
"I want to be my old self again!"
Misty pulled herself up from the ground, arguing with the voice the whole way back. She marched herself back to the camp and sat herself down at the breakfast area. She ignored the stares from all around her and on her face she wore a determined look She forced her plate out in front of her and, ignoring the voice, shoved what food she could down her throat.
-
Of course, everything wasn't 'okay' now, it wasn't an "everything was perfect" now, but it was better. She was beginning to see there was more to life than her looks. She was beginning to believe it didn't matter so much anymore (although once in a while she still resisted a dessert). Time, it all took time. Wounds were healed, relationships mended. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. That's for you to decide. As for the voice, it had dimmed, it only came out once in a while, but now, when it did, Misty would say, "Go away" with the confidence she didn't have before, and it would listen.
You always see the end result, don't you? Well, I thought I'd leave that up to you. Here's the beginning, or possible end to it, see it how you will. Ack… wow, I just needed to get that off my mind, and now to write happier things!
Er, I thought I should also point out that the relationship between Brock and Misty are purely brother/sister worry
And I AM an AAML supporter all the way! Another reason why I ended it this way, it has room for your imagination )
Smile, Jesus loves you!