Disclaimer: I don't own ER or its characters.

Chapter Five: Hold My Hand

The sound of sirens continued to get louder as Susan made her way through the ambulance bay. You always hear the saying life goes on, but you never realize how true it is until you want it to stop. It should have stopped, accidents should have stopped happening, people should have stopped getting sick or hurting each other. Abby was lying in a hospital bed, and the rest of Chicago kept on as if she wasn't.

They we're doctors, and Susan knew that life went on. She had seen people's worlds fall apart. She had seen life as it was known cease, and then she turned a corner or left the room. The rest of reality was carrying on as if what happened in that room and to that family hadn't. Life should have stopped, it should have halted on a dime, but she could hear the buzz of the ER now. She knew life didn't stop for any one.

Looking through the glass of triage she could see the people waiting for health care. Moving towards admit she could hear Kerry before she could see her. "Jerry, why…"

"I called Dr. Weaver, they said their backed up and we'll have to wait." Jerry explained trying to divert her anger from his direction.

"Well call them back. We're short staffed as it is and they're just going to have to pull a little extra weight."

"Yes Ma'am." He replied in a tone that showed he knew better than to do anything less than agree with her one hundred and ten percent.

With out being notice Susan slid past Kerry and Jerry who's attentions were already focused on something else. It was all she could do to make it to the stairs with out being noticed. She was sure they didn't want her to work today, but they were short a doctor. Susan knew she couldn't handle Kerry's spiel at that moment.

"Susan…" She heard an exasperated voice yell from the stairs she had already traversed.

She turned to see Luka catching up to her. "Luka, you're still here?"

"Yeah, Abby was on until six, and…" He stopped, he didn't want to even give the slightest hint that Susan was needed downstairs.

"Neela stayed until three or so, she'll be back soon and then I'll go home for a bit." He explained in an attempt to show that they were handling it. Susan nodded, she recognized and appreciated the gesture.

"How did it go with Susie?" He asked, not knowing if she needed or wanted to talk to someone.

"It was horrible. I can't imagine how it broke her heart. How do you tell her that? I…" She could feel the emotions beginning to surface, and fought the urge to fall apart yet again. "She's the strongest girl I've ever seen. She shouldn't have to be."

Luka reached for her arm and lightly squeezed it. "She's strong because of you." He added. He didn't want to ask. The last thing she needed was someone prying into the specifics of the situation.

As if she knew what he wanted to ask, or that she simply needed to tell someone the details, she continued. "The police still haven't found Chloe. They're making the rounds of Crack houses, and there is an undercover unit at the house. Attempted murder, that's what she is facing."

"They'll find her." Luka added, as much as it hurt he knew that Susan wanted her to get caught. It was the best chance she had at beating her addiction.

"We'll see." Susan said honestly, at this point she had no ability to read Chloe. "I called John." She said changing the subject.

"Yeah?"

"He's on his way."

Luka smiled lightly. John Carter had an unbreakable connection with Abby. Everyone who knew them knew it. It had changed and hit its share of rough spots, but it was unbreakable. "I'm sure he'll be here as soon as he can. What about her brother?"

"I tried all the numbers she had at her apartment, no one knows him. I know she hadn't talked to him in months. I guess he's off his meds again. She should have her family here, he should be here. As much as she has done for him."

"Her family is here." Luka stated with a warm smile. It didn't matter, blood relations, Susan and Luka along with the others were her family. They were each other's family.

"I'm going to head up there." She said with a mixture of emotions and thoughts. "Page me if you guys get slammed okay?"

"Sure."

Standing outside the door she tried to muster the heart to open it. Visitors still weren't allowed but Susan was a doctor, and this was a special case. Shutting her eyes she took a deep breathe and tried to prepare herself as she pushed open the door.

The tears came instantly as she stepped in. The emotions and reaction were stronger than she had expected as she saw Abby lying in the bed with IV's and monitors, ventilators, and machines. Somehow without seeing her there was an abstract quality to the situation. It disappeared when she stepped into the room.

With out a thought Susan pulled the chair to Abby's bedside and gently placed her hands above and below Abby's.

"I'm so sorry." She cried, allowing the tears and words to flow freely. "Abby, you have to wake up, you have to pull through. I'm so sorry." She couldn't help but feel this was her fault. She would bare the responsibility. "God Abby, it should be me. That bullet was meant for me. Why the hell did you step in front of me?"

"Is Weaver on today?" Susan asked as they made their way through the ambulance bay.

"I think she's off now."

"I don't think I can handle her, ever since we butted heads last month she been such a little bi…."

"Where's Susie?" Chloe screamed. Taking Abby and Susan off guard.

"Chloe…" Susan almost yelled. "What are you doing here?" The anger in her voice apparent.

"Susan she isn't your daughter. She never was."

Susan and Abby both knew she was high, and the uncertainty it brought to the situation.

"Chloe you're high. I won't talk to you like this."

"No, you are going to talk to me, and you're going to do it right now." She said with an authority that scared them. "Now where is my daughter."

"I'm not going to tell you anything, and you should leave." Susan said with an authority to match Chloe and with a seriousness that Abby hadn't seen in quite a while.

"Where is she?" She yelled with all her energy as she brought her hand from her coat pocket.

"Chloe…" Susan said as she saw the gun. "You don't want to do this, this isn't you it's the drugs."

"You took her from me, and I'm going to get her back." She said with an irrationality that permeated through every word. "I'm going to get my daughter."

It was an instance, as Susan watched Chloe Abby never took her eye off the gun. In the moment Chloe stopped speaking Abby watched her finger begin to tighten.

"Susan." Abby said as she began to push her out of the way. It was an instance. Chloe crossed the line and fired.

She had stopped speaking as the memories flooded her mind. She had never known a burden like this, and she knew that whatever happened would rest firmly on her shoulders. The thoughts of the bullet that was meant for her, and the image of Abby jumping in front of her and shoving her flashed through her mind.

"Abby." She said in shock. "Oh my God." She yelled as tasted the blood in her mouth and looked down to see it everywhere.. There wasn't any pain in her body, it was Abby. "Talk to me Abby!" She screamed almost hysterically as she gently tried to push Abby from on top of her.

Rolling her over, seeing the bullet wounds, how could this be happening? No pulse. She isn't breathing. One, two , three, four, five, Susan gave her mouth to mouth. One, Two, "Some one help me!" She screamed as loud as she could, breathing once again for Abby. One, "Help!", four, some one had to have heard, breathe.

It took the better part of two minutes before someone realized there was a crisis outside. "Hurry up." Susan yelled as she saw them coming. "It's Abby."

"We're doing everything we can." Susan said quietly to Abby. "Susie's okay. She took it pretty hard, I think she thinks it's her fault." Susan added. "I don't know how to tell her it isn't." Her voice was cracking again as she lost control of her emotions. "I don't know what to say to her, how to make it better."

It made her sick to think of what Susie must feel responsible for. She wasn't. She hadn't done one thing to deserve any of this. How were they going to get through this? Susan knew it was hard enough dealing with the moment, but they would have to start with more long term thinking.

For now she wouldn't think about it. The police were doing what they could, the doctors were doing all they could, and now Susan would do all she could.

"God, Abby. I don't know what I would have done if…" That thought was worst than the others, but Susan knew nothing that none of the things that would come to her mind would be pleasant. Instead of finishing any of the thoughts she quietly whispered to Abby that she was here and she wasn't leaving. That she loved her, and she was a sister not a friend. That she would be here until she woke up, and that she would do anything she had too. She poured her heart out about how she felt and how much Abby meant to her, how much was on the line. The responsibility and shame she felt for what her family had done, for what her sister had done. She vowed to make it right, although she had no idea how. This mess, it was her fault and she knew that it was out of her hands. But she would find a way to fix it.

Still holding her hand she leaned back in her chair and sighed. Shutting her eyes she tried to drift into unconsciousness, to push away all the things she knew weren't going away.

Author's note: Sorry about the incredible delay, school is kicking my butt this semester and unfortunately my scholarships don't rely on successful fan fictions. It's crazy where a story can take you. This one has become about Susan and her personal struggle through this. I find it very challenging, so hang in there if I have trouble with the pace and finding interesting ways to get inside her head. More to come soon.