Disclaimer: I don't own ER or its characters.

Chapter Six: Responsibilities and Blame

"No, you don't understand." Susan said adamantly as she squeezed the phone tighter in her hand. "I need to speak with Mrs. Timtly, it's a very important matter I assure you." The fact that the conversation wasn't going well by any standard only fueled her failing patience. "This is Doctor Lewis with Cooke County General Hospital in Chicago. I really need to speak with Mrs. Timtly. No I cannot tell you what I need to speak to her about. I don't care whose boss you are. He hung up on me. That son of a bitc…"

"Susan, go home." Kerry said as she took the phone out of her hand. "You've barely been home, and when you are there I know you aren't resting."

"Kerry, I don't need this lecture." Susan snapped.

"Listen to me Susan…"

"Kerry I know." She snapped again as she slammed the chart onto the counter. "Can I go tell my patient she has cancer, then I'll go home."

"Sure Susan." Kerry said softening her tone.

"Thank you." Susan replied and walked away. She immediately regretted going postal on the man on the phone, and she regretted being so horrible to Kerry. Even though they hardly ever saw eye to eye she knew the past five days had been hard on everyone. All the doctors were stressed, hell they were covering for two doctors not just Abby. That's why she had ignored everyone when they told her they had her shifts covered. People are putting in the extra effort Kerry had said. We don't want you to worry about it. Just be with your family, and Susan knew this included Abby but she somehow couldn't help but feel like she had to be at work. As a result the past two days had been spent in the ER, Abby's room, and hours with the children so they didn't get worried. She had created a never ending cycle of places to be and responsibilities to fill. There were twenty four hours a day and nineteen of them were dedicated to something.

Pushing open the door to exam three she smiled warmly at the woman sitting on the bed. "Julie, I've got your test results."

"It's bad isn't it? I knew it was bad." She immediately responded.

Susan pulled over a stool and sat in front of the woman. "Your test revealed an abnormal white blood cell count." Susan paused as her patient stared intently into her eyes. She had no idea what Susan was about to tell her, and Susan knew it. "What this means is that your body is trying to fight off a disease."

"Are you saying…"

"I'm sorry Julie but you have leukemia."

"Leukemia." She repeated in astonishment, "I came in because I was having pain in my stomach."

"Remember that bicycle accident you told me about? Well, because of the cancer and your body trying to fight it you had some internal bleeding from the accident. That's where the pain was coming from."

"You're serious, I have cancer."

"I tried to get a hold of your sister, but I couldn't get through. Is there anyone else I can call? Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"Can I call my mom?" She asked as the shock began to wear into fear.

"Yes we can do that." Susan helped her out of the bed and moved a chair close to the phone. "Just dial 878 and then the number. Oncology is going to be coming to talk to you about the specifics of the disease and treatment options. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No, I'll just call my mom."

"Okay." Susan replied as she squeezed the woman's shoulders and left the room. She would go home now, Kerry would cover her patients and eventually they would all be admitted or discharged. It was a cycle, their existence in the ER was a cycle. Treat 'em and street 'em, that's there motto. The humanity gets lost in it. The humanity of it all gets lost.

"Susan." Sam yelled jerking her out of her contemplations and back into reality. "Two GSW's rolling in."

"I'm coming." Susan yelled as she followed the nurse out into the ambulance bay. So much for going home, she thought as she began to listen to the paramedics.

……….

As she walked into her home she dropped her purse and keys and headed for the sound of Brendan and Susie. "Hey guys." She said with a smile that used all the strength in her body. Brendan ran and gave her a hug and a kiss, followed by Susie. It was all Susan could do to keep from crying right there. "What are you guys doing?" She asked.

"We're playing Mario Karts." Brendan explained with his imperfect r's.

"And who's winning?"

"Me." He yelled again, causing Susan to smile and wink at Susie.

"Well, I don't want to keep you from a victory." She explained. "I'm going to head up stairs." She said as she kissed them both on the forehead and began to make her way to the stairs.

"Aunt Susan…" Susie said as she followed her aunt into the hallway.

"Yes baby?"

"Any change?"

"No, Abby's brainwaves are fine but she still hasn't woken up."

"And?"

"They still haven't found your mom." She added. "Come here." She said as she pulled her close and hugged her. "This is all going to be okay." She promised.

Susie sighed and squeezed her aunt back. "I love you."

"I love you too." She said as she kissed her again. "Thank you for letting Brendan win."

"No problem." She said with a smile.

"Don't let him win by too much." She said with a wink as Susie smiled and went back into the play room.

"Chuck?" Susan lightly yelled as she made her way up the stairs and towards their bedroom.

"I'm in here." He replied.

Without another word she made her way to him and hugged him. Without a question he hugged her back and didn't hesitate to continue. Standing there in the middle of Brendan's room with toys scattered across the floor they hugged. Each squeezing tightly. One to let go of all that was on her and the other to take it and carry it for a while.

"Chuck." She said without a word to follow it.

"I know. How about a bath?"

"Yeah." She agreed as she allowed the comfort and safety of home wash over her. God, how could it all be so much? She thought. For every step to fixing it there was three more knocking them back. Every step, by the book, and still Chloe wouldn't stick with it. Maybe she couldn't. Look at where it had gotten everyone. When all parties were asked, who's fault was it? Who had driven them all apart, taken away the hope of future?

"Susan…" Chuck said as he emerged from the bathroom. "It's ready."

"Thanks." She said as she made her way, kissing him on the cheek.

"I'm here if you need me." He said with a look of familiarity before he moved to the pile of laundry sitting on the end of the bed.

"I need you." He heard a moment later from the bathroom.

Walking back into the bathroom he found her already in the bathtub, crying. "I'm just….I can't…I." Reaching for her hand he lightly smiled as she motioned for what had become quiet moments of peacefulness in the never ending saga of child raising drama.

They adjusted to where they could both fit comfortably. Susan leaned back onto her husband and shut her eyes. "It's going to be okay." He reassured her.

"There was a woman today, Julie, I had to tell her she had leukemia. She won't live for another two years. She had no idea, she had stomach pains. I had to tell her it was over. I…"

"What did oncology say?"

"Kerry kicked me out before they got there." She said with hints of the emotions fighting to come out.

"She kicked you out?"

"I snapped on the phone with some guy who worked at this company."

"Baby…"

"I know it isn't like me, but I can't. I can't keep doing this. Chuck, we have to breakthrough somewhere. Chloe is out there, who knows if she's even alive. She thinks I took her daughter away from her. She's my big sister, and I can't help her. I can't do a damn thing for her."

"You know that they're doing everything they can to find her."

"And when they do she'll go to prison." She added wiping a tear. "I will have sent my sister to prison."

"No." Chuck said with a mixture of reassurance and firmness. "Chloe will have sent herself to prison. And as for whatever she thinks and says about you , you fought for her. Susan, you flew to New York. You moved to Phoenix. You did everything you could do to save her life. If she can't see your love, if she can't appreciate your love…That's not your fault. I know this is hard, it's hard on us all, but this isn't your fault and you can't let yourself feel that way."

The silence that filled the small bathroom was quietly interrupted with Susan's breathing. "Do you want me to sit here and go on about all the wonderful things you do for us all? Because we can do that. I can alphabetize the list if you need me to."

"No." She said with a smile. "I just need to be here with you. I feel like I haven't been here."

"You haven't." He said with a squeeze. "You've been holding all of this on yourself for the last week."

"Chuck."

"I don't mean it like that. I just mean that I'm sorry that you've been holding this all in. Chloe, Abby, Susie, it's too much. I shouldn't let you carry it all."

"I just feel like it's mine to carry. Chloe is my sister. Susie is my responsibility. Abby, she was shot for me."

"Susan I love you, but I think we really need to work on your listening skills. Because I have been trying to tell you that none of this is your fault. Baby, I really want you to hear me." He said as he kissed the side of her head. "Chloe is a drug addict, and has been handed more chances than most. Abby was shot by a person under the influence of God knows what. That wasn't your fault, you didn't do anything that could have warranted that or prevented it."

"She pushed me. She saw that Chloe was going to shoot me, and she stepped in the way. The bullet was meant for me."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want to face it, what ever happens to Abby was meant to happen to me. I didn't want to face the fact that what happens to Abby rests on my shoulders. It's me Chuck, this is because of me."

"I know you feel this way, but this is Chloe's fault and whatever happens rests on her shoulders. You can't walk around with this blame and responsibility."

"I don't know how not to." She said quietly. "I don't know, how do I let it go?"

"I don't know." Chuck replied, squeezing her closer.

"Can we just stay here, for a little longer?" She asked with a tremble in her voice.

"Anything you want." He added with a weakness in his own voice to match the emotional state of his wife.

"I just want it to be okay."