Disclaimer: I don't own ER nor its characters.
Chapter Nine: Hope and Barbeque
Sitting on the bench alone Susan found herself dreading what was about to take place. The weeks had slowly gone by and the date had been circled on the calendar for months. After today this matter would be done with, and they could all begin to move on with life, to put it back together and heal. Susie need it, and no one knew how much Susan wanted it. The uncertainty of it all had faded that day in the hospital room and had turned instead to the reality of the road to recovery. Abby's physical recovery, and all of their emotional recovery. It was only time that would show them how deep the wounds ran, and that day Susan realized it all.
"How is she?" Susan asked hastily as she picked up her pace when she saw John.
"She's awake, a little groggy from the drugs, and she seems to be fine. They're going to take her to CT soon." He said comfortingly as he watched the array of emotions dance on Susan's face in response to every word he said.
"Can I…"
"Yeah, go on in." He said with a reaffirming squeeze to her shoulder. He couldn't imagine what was running through her head, or the emotions running through her heart. The blame and responsibility that rested firmly on his shoulders gave him an understanding of the hell Susan was living through. He smiled lightly knowing the relief she must feel with news of Abby's consciousness, a blessing he himself had been denied.
The door seemed infinitely heavier and Susan mustered all she had to overcome the fear that had gripped her in the instant before opening it. Would she hate me? Blame me? Would there be nothing but contempt, anger, and resentment in her eyes when I walk in? Susan knew that no matter what was waiting on the other side of that door she had to face it. This was the moment she had been praying for, and now that it was here she was terrified. The fact that Abby was awake was enough for Susan, and she had somehow missed the fear of what Abby would think until this moment. The uncertainty that still remained almost made Susan sick and she knew if she didn't open the door now she would loose the courage to face Abby.
The slow movement of the door brought Neela's eyes off of Abby. Turning her head weakly Abby watched as Susan humbly opened the door and walked in. It was all Susan could manage to make eye contact with Abby, and at that moment the tears came instantly.
"Thank God you're okay." Susan managed to verbalize as she instinctively moved to the bedside of her friend. Reaching for her hand Abby unsuccessfully held back the tears that were spurred on by Susan's.
"Are you kidding me?" Abby said with all the smile she could muster. "There's no way you guys could get rid of me."
Susan smiled, and Neela took the moment to make her exit. Pulling up the chair Susan sat and held Abby's hands. She had no idea what to say to her, and it was all she could do to not start crying again.
"Hey." Abby said bringing Susan's gaze to her own. "It's okay." She said. " I'm okay."
"I'm so sorry Abby." Susan replied, "I'm sorry I got you into this and I'm sorry my sister did this to you, and I shouldn't have let it happen."
Watching her Abby was amazed by the blame and responsibility Susan held for herself. Listening to the words she knew the pain and guilt that had consumed her and she couldn't believe she had been holding it in. "Susan, this wasn't your fault." She interrupted.
"It was my sister who was pissed at me, and it was a bullet meant for me. The bullet you took was meant for me, Abby. It was suppose to be me."
"But it wasn't, and that wasn't in your control, Chloe wasn't in your control."
Susan sighed, and Abby knew she was hearing but not listening. Probably the very same thing she had been doing to every single person who had been telling her the exact same thing.
"Susan," her tone changing, "I'm going to say this one time." Abby took a deep breath and fought the pain that was creeping through her body. "That bullet was meant for you, but I stepped in front of it. You're a mother, a wife, and so many people depend on and love you. I love you, and I couldn't let that happen. If you were shot it wouldn't be just you affected."
"Abby." The tears once again falling.
"It was out of your control Susan. Chloe, me, the gun, it was all out of your control. I don't want you to feel like this your fault. It isn't."
"Look at me! You're the one who's just regained consciousness and I'm the one being comforted here." Susan laughed as the tears still fell.
"There's that wit and sarcasm I love." Abby said with a small smile. "Susan, you know I'd do anything for you."
"Obviously." She said with a wider smile now.
"You got over that really quickly." Abby softly joked.
"Not really." Susan continued smiling as she wiped the last of her tears. There was a relief and peace now, knowing Abby was going to be fine and knowing that they were okay.
"Good to hear because it looks like I'll need someone to cover my shifts for a while." Abby lightly joked, and the air in the room eased a bit.
"We can go in now." A lawyer said to Susan.
"Yeah." Susan stood, and shook off the memory as they began to make their way into the courtroom. It was just as she had remembered it, cold, impersonal, and completely terrifying. The only time she had ever been in a courtroom was the numerous incidents that included Chloe. The pain of this fact was deep and Susan couldn't help but feel a whirl of shame run through her. Shame not for herself, or the actions she had taken for Susie but a shame for not being able to help Chloe. They all needed something, but somehow Chloe had never gotten hers.
It was done now, and Susan knew it. Chloe wouldn't forgive her for this, and when she gets out of prison Susan knows she won't try to contact them. It hurt herself to know she had so completely burned the bridge that connected her to Chloe, but she knew it had to be done. It had to be done for Susie, for their family, and deep down where Susan tried to deny it, she knew it had to be done for herself as well. She couldn't live her life like this anymore, it was the hardest realization she had ever had to make. It was time to let go of your sister. She was the only blood relative, besides Susie and her Children, left. With the death of their father a few years back it was just the two of them that remained. God, this hurts was the underlying sentence the ran under what ever thought was occupying Susan.
"Hey." Abby said warmly as she slowly moved to sit next to Susan.
"What are you doing here?" Susan asked with a hint of surprise in her voice as Abby settled into the hard wooden pew.
"Come on, where else would I be?" She asked. "I can't imagine how hard this is, and I'm here, you know moral support and all."
"Thanks." Susan said simply.
"Where's Chuck?"
"He should be here by now." Susan replied with a slight hint of anxiousness.
"I don't think I can do this." Susan said honestly as the two of them stood in the hallway with the lawyers, defendants, and witnesses from other matters bustling around them.
"I know." Chuck replied with the understanding and compassion she was looking for. "I'm here for you."
"Tell me I have to do this." She asked.
"Susan, you can ask anyone and they'll tell you there isn't anyone who can make you do this. But I'll tell you that you can, and when you do it'll be for Susie, for Abby, for Chloe, and for you."
"I just want this to be over."
"It will be." He said reassuringly as they hugged.
The room was silent as she uncomfortably made her way to the witness stand. The courtroom was relatively empty, and without looking at Chloe she could feel her eyes on her. The strongest hesitation in her mind told her that she was betraying her sister. That this isn't what family does, and then the image of Abby falling to the ground and Chloe's hand holding the gun took its place.
Without giving the questions time to settle the words poured out.
"We were on our way to work…"
"I heard a loud pop and I was pushed to the ground…"
"It was only then I realized the blood wasn't mine…"
"She was gone, as quickly as she had appeared, she was gone…"
"I had fought her for custody because she could no longer take care of Susie…"
"I saw the pain and hurt that she had already endured at the age of ten and I had to stop it. What kind of aunt would I be if I didn't?"
"She had been abducted from the front of the crack house my sister was at…"
"I just want Chloe to get help, and this is all that is left. She almost killed someone, and I … There's no way to know what she'll do. She needs help, and I need to do… I need to help her."
"Yes, she shot Abby…"
"I'm so proud of you." Chuck said as they stood against the wall in the hallway they had been waiting in.
"It's over." She quietly cried in his arms. "It's done." There was nothing more she could do or say, she had said what she needed to and testified against her sister. It was out of her hands and they could let go.
"I know." He said as he continued to hold her. "Soon it'll all be over and we can all move on." He said comfortingly.
"Thank you." She said as she wiped the tears from her eyes.
"Hey, come on, you know I'd do anything for you."
"Top Gun." She said with a smile.
"Yes, I'll even watch Top Gun with you." He smiled.
Without an invitation or sign he leaned in and gently kissed her before they began to make their way through the busy hallway. "All I'm saying is I think we're going to need to get a new copy of it because this one is getting worn out."
"I thought guys we're suppose to like that movie?"
"I think we're bordering on obsession at this point, and I thought girls we're suppose to like Sleepless In Seattle and Steel Magnolias?"
"You didn't marry just any girl."
"That I didn't, I'm so proud of you Susan. You stood up for your sister, your niece, and us all today. That's something."
"I hope so."
"How are you feeling?" Susan asked in an attempt to fill the void before the court was called to session.
"Better, still a little stiff and sore, but the rehab is working."
"Good." Susan replied.
Before Susan and Abby could continue their conversation the lawyers and Chloe entered the room. Susan sighed as Chloe sat down and didn't make as much as a moment of eye contact. She had known Chloe would hate her, but deep inside there was hope that perhaps she wouldn't. That hoped died right next to the faded prayer that she would kick the drugs. Soon the bailiff and Judge entered the room and a wave of nausea hit Susan as they stood. The rhetoric and procedures for the reading of a verdict rolled by flawlessly and it was all Susan could do to remain calm.
Reaching over Abby grabbed Susan hand and gently squeezed. They were there, both of them for each other. With out Susan's presence Abby knew she couldn't stand there, and at that moment Susan knew with out Abby this situation would be too much.
This moment stood tall in the recollection of tribulation that had come from this situation with Chloe, and situations past, but Susan couldn't stop recalling the other moments that stood next to it.
"Susie, we need to talk." Susan said as she moved next to Susie on the couch.
"They found her." She replied. Susan thought it was from the years of impossible situations and badness, but Susie could read these conversations before they started.
"They picked her up today. She's okay, and she's being held in the county jail."
"Have you seen her?" She asked, her emotions baring themselves as Susan took her hand.
"I saw her today."
"Is…Is…She…?" Not knowing how to proceed.
"She's pretty upset, at me." Clarifying between herself and Susie. "Do you know what's going to happen in the next few weeks?"
"They're going to try her, and put her in jail."
It hurt Susan to say these words and think of the pain it was causing her niece, but the time for lies and glossing over the facts was over and they all had to face this. "She's going to have to face charges of attempted murder, and if they find her guilty then yes, she'll go to prison."
"She's guilty." Susie broke down in her aunt's arms.
"I'm so sorry." Was all she could say as Susan held her niece, it wasn't her apology to make, but she was here and if she could have undone it, she would have given anything.
The only words harder than the ones she was about to here were "Guilty as charged." She had known it was coming, but the actual words had hit harder than she had expected. Bracing herself with a hand planted firmly on the edge of the bench she waited again for the words that would be so defining and full of emotion.
One, then two seconds went by and she couldn't react. They had said what she had known was coming and she couldn't even react to it. Ten to twenty years, this is what the lawyers had said the sentence would be. She could hear their voices, "the judge will hand down ten to twenty, she'll serve no less than ten before she gets a chance at parole.
The next thing that registered with Susan was Chloe being escorted out of the court room. The tears in her eyes and the pleading look that pierced Susan. The tears that fell were for Chloe, and the hell she would now find herself in. Her thoughts argued that somewhere, there must have been something more she could have done. Now her sister was imprisoned. Exhaling she pushed the thoughts out of her mind and simply allowed the emotion to roll over her.
The courtroom was empty except for Susan and Abby. Without a word they sat next to each other. Susan, trying to deal with this new found reality, and Abby sitting in support. There wasn't anything to say and nothing to be done, there was just reality.
"Susan." Chuck said out of breath. "I'm so sorry I'm late." He sat down next to her.
"It's okay, it's all over and it was just what they said it would be." She lowly replied as the tears continued to fall.
Abby squeezed her shoulder and smiled at Chuck before she stood to make her silent exit.
Susan and Chuck sat there, his arm around her and her head on his shoulder, in the brief lull of the courtroom.
"Lets go home." Susan broke the silence that had filled them for several minutes. People were once again filling the courtroom and the judicial process was about to be once again in action.
"Okay." He supportively agreed and grabbed her hand.
……….
Standing at admit Susan signed her last her chart and sighed out of relief.
"Heading home?" Luka asked.
"Yes, I've got Barbeque and children waiting on me."
"Sounds like a perfect evening." He smiled.
"That it is, what time are you off?"
"An hour." He checked his watch.
"You and Sam should bring Alex over."
"You don't have to wait."
"I forgot to mention I'd be cooking the food." She smiled sarcastically.
"Okay, I'll call Sam. It sounds good."
"Good, see you then." She smiled and headed for the lounge.
"Abigail Lockhart." She said loudly as she swung her stethoscope at her.
"Someone's in a good mood." She joked. "Hot date?"
"Barbeque."
"Ah."
"Yeah, it's pretty quiet out there." She motioned to the ER.
"It won't stay that way, Friday nights are never slow."
"It's a fact."
"Have a good night, one should at least." Abby said as she wrapped her stethoscope around her neck and shut her locker.
"Are we still shopping on Sunday?"
"Are you kidding me?"
"Okay, stupid question."
"Tell everybody I said hi."
"I will." Susan replied as she placed her purse across her body and winked at Abby.
The air outside was crisp and Susan couldn't help but breath it in deeply. Walking down the street to her car there was a sense of hope that somehow fought its way to the surface. The setting sun and a busy street lent itself to such a moment. Susan knew it was one of those quiet, defining moments that stay with you until you die. The hardships that we go through are the very things that bind us together and strengthen us. She was certain she had read that somewhere, but until now the true relevance and truthfulness of it had eluded her. There were moments when she knew they had overcome something so large and difficult that it was a miracle. The hurt still ran deep, and the recovery was far from over, but the hope that was almost tangible was exactly what Susan grasped and chose to hold onto. The hope of tomorrow and the hope that the ones she loved gave her were enough. Something had been there to get them through, almost as if they had been in the collar of grace. Call it what you will, be it love, grace, or any other adjective, Susan knew it had gotten them through, and this clear evening when she left the ER to embrace what they had fought so hard to keep she knew that they were lucky and that she would cherish it because it was worth cherishing.
Author's note: There it is, finally finished! It took me long enough, and I do apologize. Finals are done, and I could finally devote the time to wrapping this thing up. Hope you enjoyed it, and I couldn't resist or escape the semi to fully cheesy ending, but lets face it Susan could use a little of it at this point. Okay, my almost incoherent ramblings I'll bring to a close now. Hopefully a new fic will be in the works soon. Thanks for reading and to those of you who reviewed, I swear it makes the world go round. Take care, and until next time this is K-Caedmon signing out.